


Let the Light In

by muninnfanworks



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2018-05-12 15:19:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 75
Words: 231,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5670655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muninnfanworks/pseuds/muninnfanworks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"We don’t need heroes, or mythical saviours. We need people. People who don’t always do the easy, or right, thing, people who remind us what it means to be sentient, who walk that line between Dark and Light, and get burned while they get saved. People who still come out the other end and say ‘I survived.'"<br/>Sometimes it's not so easy to see where the Dark ends, and Light begins.<br/>***<br/>This is the story after The Force Awakens<br/>And it WILL be Reylo, as my Snippets will show you. You have been warned.<br/>(also Stormpilot fluff on the side)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Awakening

**_Chapter 1: Awakening_ **

Rey was lying on a stretcher in the _Falcon._

They weren’t on the exploding base anymore, no. Neither were they hurtling through space at lightspeed. Oh no, the _Millenium Falcon_ was safely docked in one of the many hangars in the Resistance base on D’Qar.

It had all happened so fast.

Han calling out that man’s name- Ben? Han falling.

Chewbacca bellowing.

She had been screaming.

Then she was in the forest, running for her life from the man with the red lightsaber. Kylo Ren. Ben.

There had been so much blood.

But Finn was safely in the infirmary now, and though he was in a coma, the medics were sure he would be fine once adequate cybernetics were fitted to account for his spinal damage. Poe had managed to get her out of the infirmary, but Chewbacca had been the one to force her to rest.

So, here Rey found herself, staring at the gunmetal of the _Falcon_ ’s bulkhead, with no rest to be found. However, Chewie would come to check on her every now and then to make sure she was still lying down, so she was trapped. Trapped between her stinging mind and a heartbroken Wookiee who seemed to make her wellbeing his life’s new purpose. Rey couldn’t fathom why he would care so much, so she wrote it off as being a distraction from the pain of losing his lifelong friend. Idle minds, and all that.

Rey heard movement in the hold and turned her head just in time to see brown fur fleeing from the doorway. A fine pain pierced her heart at the sight. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to escape in some manner, but she only found herself faced with the ghosts of the past few hours dancing on the backs of her eyelids.

Rey had been captured by a masked monster, who had turned out to be so glaringly _human_. Even when he had intruded on her mind, and she discovered that new muscle- that new _extension_ of herself that had enabled her to push back- that monster in her mind had fear enough of his own to rival hers. And she had mercilessly used it against him, _enjoying_ the horror that had flashed across his face at her display.

Han had fallen, and Rey had used the hate for the monster that had built up within her to fight back against him, and strike him down, even outmatched and backed against the cliff as she was. She had used her hate, it had stoked the fires of her new energy, and she had _liked_ it. It had made her strong. But, when Rey saw the monster Kylo Ren lying in the snow, beaten; only a wretched human had looked back at her. He would have been so easy to kill in that moment, but the hate had sickened Rey then, and she ran from it. But the monster had started something in her, this she couldn’t deny. She could still feel that energy, and she was ever so slightly scared of what it could do.

Rey’s head was spinning, and as she tossed and turned the vertigo only got worse. The pain in her chest increased, and spread across her face as she screwed her eyes closed, pressing her cheek into the rough pillow of the stretcher to try and put out the flames that scorched her nerves.

Rey felt such incredible pain. Rey heard screaming. At first, she thought it was herself, for surely it was coming from her mouth. But no, the screams were male, and Rey wasn’t lying down any more. She was leaning against the medbay wall of an unfamiliar ship, heavy black glove on one hand and cauterising instrument pressed against her gut with the other. The edges of her vision where heavily blurred, and she was shirtless, but this was not her body. The agony across her face become intense, but it was nothing compared to the toil that broiled in her mind. She gasped again before lifting the instrument from her side to reveal a knotted burn.

Unexpectedly, her body stiffened, and for the first time she felt like an intruder where she was.

_Interesting._

Rey sat up sharply with a cry, gasping for breath.

That voice. That voice in her head had been _his_ voice. That was _his_ ship. Those were _his_ wounds. She had been in his head. Rey mentally cringed away from the fresh unfamiliar energy that was surging in her mind after that incident, blocking it in the same manner she had employed when she had been fending _him_ off.

There was a faint growl from the doorway, and Rey looked up, startled. Chewbacca had come running when he heard her shriek.

Rey could understand the gist of what he was saying, but she knew she would have to become committed to learning Shyriiwook for Chewie’s sake.

“I’m alright big guy.” She wiped the back of her hand over her brow, finding it slick with sweat. “Just a really bad dream. I’m sure you can understand.”

He rumbled in agreement.

“Think I can get up now Chewie?” Rey managed a smile, though she was still thoroughly shaken.

Chewbacca seemed hesitant.

“C’mon, we can play a game of holochess or something. I can’t sleep properly, and I doubt you can either, which is probably why you’re guarding me like a mother hen.”

He had the grace to look abashed. Rey hopped up from the stretcher.

“And hey, while we’re at it, you can help me out with my Shyriiwook.”

Chewie practically purred as she passed him, offering a quick, affectionate rub on her head. Out of the gentle string of growls she could make out the phrase ‘Little One’, though she had no idea how. It simply popped into her mind.

Must be just another perk of the mystical energy, Rey thought bitterly. How many things had she done before that had only come about by the ‘grace’ of the Force? How many things could she actually do as just _Rey?_ The thought made her irrationally angry, and the familiar side of the energy within her flared up bright and red in her mind’s eye.

_Intoxicating, isn’t it?_

The sudden alien thought had Rey nearly jumping out of her skin. It was the same almost-voice as before. Kylo Ren.

Rey actively searched her mind for the feel of him, using her memory of his prior intrusion to help her search. Eventually, she found him, and she promptly shoved at his presence. It didn’t move as it had in the interrogation room, and where once Kylo Ren had been a gloating weight in her consciousness, now he was intrigued. She shoved again, with more than adequate ability to block him out. Still, the link stayed. Now Kylo Ren was vaguely afraid. Rey stopped pushing, and instead opted to simply block him. The act came easily, as natural as breathing, and while she could still feel the link- the tether- Kylo Ren was not in her mind.

Chewbacca called her attention, and Rey realised she had been clutching the back of the lounger the entire time. How long that was, she had no idea.

_[Are you alright, Little One?]_

Rey was startled to understand him fully this time around.

“Yes Chewie, I’m okay.” Rey sat on the opposite side of the chessboard, and Chewie took his move, still watching her in concern. “Really, I am. Just a little unsettled is all.”

He huffed in response, and they became lost in their game.

Every once in a while, Rey would feel a little nudge or waver against the barrier she had cast up, but it only served to strengthen her resolve. That monster would find no purchase, if she could help it.

Talking to Chewbacca was a welcome distraction, and though she was very hit-and-miss with his language- even with use of the Force- by the end of their fifth match she was doing rather well with making out distinct words instead of vague sentences. It almost blocked out the fluttering in the back of her mind.

Almost.

Rey was only too happy when Poe ran into the hold with a large flask slung over his shoulder. Imagine her surprise when she found out that _Poe_ was the pilot Finn had gushed about. She hadn’t really spoken much to the pilot, but Finn had talked highly of him, and that was enough for the time being. Poe was a very likeable person, and he had provided just the right comfort Rey needed when Finn had been taken into surgery to be stabilised, and Rey was very thankful for that.

Poe swung the flask from his should and set it on the holochess table like a trophy, and flashed a bright smile, though it was somewhat melancholic.

“Caffa call!”

Rey looked at him in confusion, then at Chewie when he purred appreciatively.

“Caffa?” she asked.

“Oh no,” he feigned horror, “Don’t tell me you don’t know what caffa is!”

Rey shook her head slowly, watching as Poe’s expression fell from merry faux dismay to honest shock. Chewie got up and shuffled over to the mini-kitchen, retrieving three mugs.

“Truly?” Poe’s brow was wrinkled.

“Jakku wasn’t the most diverse of places, despite its trade liquidity,” Rey shrugged, “Niima Outpost especially. Hutts don’t much care for their scavengers, just so long as the scrap came in. Water and old military rationing was the extent of my luxury.”

Poe’s eyes were wide. “Just _that?_ Oh no, no way. Chewie!” The Wookie cracked open the flask and decanted a steaming liquid the colour of Takodana’s soil into the cups. “We’re going to have to educate our girl here. Poor thing.”

Rey looked up sharply from the hot caffa to see Poe smiling cheekily at her. She rolled her eyes and took a hesitant sip. Then another, and another.

Poe laughed, “It’s a good thing I brought a whole flask!”

Rey wiped a little bit of the drink’s froth from the side of her mouth, smiling genuinely for the first time since she had landed here, “This is _amazing,_ Poe! What’s it made of?”

“Just good ol’ roasted and brewed Garqi caf beans. And maybe I put a little cream and Correlian Cacao in there for some sweetness-“ Poe trailed off when he saw Rey’s riveted confusion, “-but you probably don’t know what that is. Don’t worry! I’ll get you well acquainted.”

Poe slid in bedside her on the lounger, and Rey could feel him studying her as she hungrily gulped down the rest of her drink.

He simply poured her more.

“Usually this stuff doesn’t taste quite so great. Mainly we drink it for the caffeine boost, but I have a bit of a sweet tooth.”

Rey forced herself to savour the first sip of her second cup, intending to drink this one much slower. She relished the way it warmed her from the inside out, chasing away the chill that had plagued her ever since she left Jakku. Space was cold, Rey thought, cold and utterly unforgiving thus far, but she was glad to not still be stuck scrounging scraps to be able to eat even less.

_Space is like that._

Rey choked heavily on the caffa she was about to swallow, coughing violently.

Frack it! Could she not have _one moment_ of peace!

The presence that had found her with her guard down was startled, and she didn’t allow it any room, hurriedly slamming up her defences again.

Poe had taken the cup from her hands and Chewie was patting her back while she spluttered the fluid from her lungs.

_[Slowly, Little One.]_

“Rey? You alright?”

She rapidly shook her head and waved them down, but neither would abate.

“I’m fine, I’m fine!” Rey eventually wheezed, eager to put them at ease so that they wouldn’t push further. “Just drank too fast, I’m sorry.”

“You sure?” Poe looked at her doubtfully, “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Rey met his eyes, then quickly looked away. Why did he look like he didn’t quite believe her? She instantly felt guilty for lying, but she couldn’t have her first real chance at friendship spoilt by having _him_ in her head. What would the Resistance do if they discovered that? Rey would rather not find out.

At least the fluttering against her mental barrier had ceased. For now.

Rey looked up to see Chewbacca gone, and Poe sizing her up with a thoughtful, if not slightly _sympathetic_ expression, though Rey couldn’t think why.

Abruptly, Poe bounced the palms of his hands against the table and got up, hauling Rey to her feet with him.

“C’mon kiddo, we’re going for a walk!”

Rey blinked at him in bewilderment, “W-What?”

“A walk. Y’know, putting one foot in front of the other and moving in a general direction?” He grabbed her hand and urged her towards the ramp.

Rey followed, despite her confusion.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“Dunno,” he shrugged, “Just around. Figure you could use some air and good ol’ D’Qar sunshine.”

She didn’t answer, but followed him dutifully, and listened to him as he pointed out the mess halls, barracks, data centres, and other location. Mercifully, he didn’t introduce her to anyone or get any conversations going.

It honestly surprised Rey when Poe led her to what she could only guess to be the most beautiful place on the entire planet. It was most assuredly the most beautiful place Rey had ever seen.

“Hanging Gardens,” Poe said, smiling gently at her astonished expression, “I come here when I feel overwhelmed or scared.” Rey looked at him sharply, and he laughed, “ _Not_ that I feel scared particularly often, but having someone scratch around in your head, well, it gets to you.” By now, Rey was sure her eyes were popping out of her head.

“How-?”

“Eh, I’ve seen that look in your eyes already. Saw it in the mirror this morning when I washed my face. That kinda stuff gets to you. Now,” he sat down at a table in the gardens, and she joined him, “I don’t mean to know exactly how it’s affecting someone like you, what with the whole Force thing and all. But with my nightmares, I can pretty much guess.”

Rey clasped her hands in front of her and kept her eyes glued to them.

“But,” Poe continued, pulling something out of his jacket, “I think I may know a way to help you keep your mind busy enough to forget, even for a moment.”

A deck of cards appeared next to her hands.

Pazaak.

“Ah, I see a little smile there, friend.”

Rey chuckled, picking up the deck and shuffling it a little. “It’s finally something I actually know.”

“Fantastic! Deal us a side deck each and we’ll do…till we give up?”

Rey looked back to him again, and had to laugh aloud at his unusual excitement. She dealt out the cards, and they started playing.

“You use this to keep yourself distracted?” she asked him.

He nodded, “Yeah, yeah. The numbers, you see. Counting cards, stuff like that. Helps to stop the mind from wandering.”

“…Does it work?”

“Well, it’s helped me get through the nightmares so far-” He placed his final card for a total of eighteen, winning when Rey went bust on twenty one. “-and it’s helped me keep from tearing down the infirmary door to shake Finn awake. So I guess it works, yeah.”

Rey rather suddenly felt overwhelmed with guilt.

“I’m so sorry Poe. I should have gotten to-“

“Rey, no,” he cut her off sharply, “Don’t do that to yourself. It’s not worth it. I’ve spent so many nights cutting myself up over lost squad mates, please don’t do that to yourself over Finn. He’s gonna make it.” Poe looked more like he _needed_ Finn to make it. “Besides, you’re gonna have more than enough to worry about once tall, dark and Forceful comes looking for you again-“ She cringed at that, “-sorry. That-Rey I’m sorry. He’s not going to get you.”

Rey nodded, and they carried on playing.

She lost count of how many games they played, and Poe was right, it really did distract you. Or maybe Kylo Ren was just leaving her be for the time. Either way, time passed without incident till dusk, when Chewbacca’s soft roar pulled them both from their concentration.

_[General Leia would like to see you, Little One.]_

Rey flinched; she had been dreading this. She hadn’t seen the General since Finn had been taken into the medical wing, and yes, Rey had been avoiding her.

“All right, Chewie.”

She handed her cards back to Poe, but he just smacked the rest of the pack into her hand and curled her fingers around it.

“You keep it kiddo. I think you’re gonna need it more than me.”

Rey swallowed hard against the feeling in her throat. This was the same sensation she had felt when Finn had come back for her. It was still so foreign to Rey that these people would see her as a friend.

“Thank you, Poe.”

Just when she thought she could be surprised no further, Poe pulled her into a hug and patted her back for a moment before letting her go, then waved to Chewie and headed in the direction of the infirmary.

Rey clutched the Pazaak deck tight, and followed Chewie to wherever the General waited for her.

As she walked, she became very aware of the presence pecking against her mind, almost pleading to be let in. What confused her the most- and frightened her to her core- was the memory of that delicious energy she had felt on the cliff, and how it truly tempted her to let Kylo Ren in.


	2. Apprehension

**_Chapter 2: Apprehension_ **

Rey didn’t know what to expect, but an empty control room with only the emergency lights lit was a surprising turn of events. Only as her eyes adjusted to the light could Rey make out a huddled figure at the central hologram emitter. Chewie growled softly, an endearment, and the figure immediately regained composure that was unmistakeably General Leia Organa’s. Chewbacca gave Rey a gentle nudge forwards, and when Rey made to rebuke him for it, he had already left the room.

The General paused for a moment, and Rey got the feeling that she was grappling with maintaining her poise, but when she turned, Rey saw no hint of grief or unrest on her face. Instead, the once-Princess exuded a strength that Rey felt could only come from years of hard choices and haunting decisions. Rey couldn’t imagine what this woman must have seen and done to warrant that kind of unwavering will.

“Finally,” the General surprised Rey with her gentle, even motherly, tone, “I can officially become acquainted with the girl I’ve heard so much about.” She gestured to a chair beside hers, also haphazardly pulled to the emitter. “Sit, please. Rey, was it?”

Rey sat shakily on the chair she was shown, “Yes, General.”

She flapped her hands at Rey, jerking her head back and forth, “Oh no please, none of that dear. Leia will do just fine.” Leia surprised Rey again by actually smiling at her with just the faintest tinge of vivacity, “These are not working hours, nor do I currently have an oversized-death ball aiming its payload at my head. And you’d be surprised just how often that’s happened.”

Rey couldn’t suppress a tiny laugh, “I believe you Ge- Leia.”

Leia chuckled with her, but then was silent for a time before speaking again, “Rey,” she seemed to be picking her words with care, “I’m truly sorry if this opens wounds but, I find myself needing to know. Whatever did my son want with you?” Her gaze pierced Rey to her core.

Rey knew something along these lines had been coming, and she was certain the conversation was going to get a lot worse. Thankfully, there was no pressure against her mind, and the ‘bond’- for lack of a better word, though she loathed it- was mercifully silent.

“He wanted the map,” Rey answered flatly.

Leia cocked a brow, “But why _you_ , and not a much easier to manage droid? I hardly think a Bolo-ball-sized astromech would be hard to catch out in the woods, as a pose to something that is capable of shooting back.” Somehow, Rey got the sense that Leia was looking for a very specific answer, and Rey knew she would fast tire of such games.

She sighed, “I don’t know. All I know is he wanted the map. I won’t pretend to know what Kylo-“

“Ben.”

“- _Ben_ wanted with me beyond that. Though he sure had a fun time picking around inside my head, till I kicked him out, that is.” Rey could still taste how sweet it had been, to find his insecurity and _get_ him with it.

But Rey felt guilty when Leia flinched at her words.

“I’m sorry, Rey. I haven’t forgotten what he’s become.” Grief flickered across General Leia’s face. It had been brief, but Rey had not missed it. “Or what he’s done.”

“Leia-“ What could Rey ever say that would lessen this blow?

“No. I haven’t forgotten. Nor will I. But this does not mean I don’t want him back home.”

Rey felt pity for the woman in front of her, but the certainty with which Leia spoke almost made Rey feel as if her pity was misplaced.

“Did Ben know you were Force-Sensitive when he captured you?” Leia asked, quickly diverting back to her questions.

“No, _I_ only found that out myself strapped to the interrogation pallet, trying to get him out of my head.”

“Did he torture you?” Leia’s voice was soft, almost lost in the whir of the lights and idle consoles. If Rey hadn’t been studying her intently, she would most definitely have missed the thin line of worry that had appeared between Leia’s brows.

Again, Rey sighed. “Oddly, no. He didn’t. If I hadn’t fought back as I had, I doubt there would have been any pain at all. He didn’t so much as touch me when I was strapped to that thing, and he left has soon as I pushed him out.”

Leia almost looked relieved, but confusion eventually etched itself on her face along with a more evident sorrow, “That is odd. You know. When he…defected…Snoke had him slaughter all the other younglings in the academy?”

Rey’s stomach flipped in uneasy antipathy. There was regret in Leia’s voice.

“No, I didn’t know. We didn’t get much galactic correspondence on Jakku. Just traders, treasure hunters, and people looking to get lost. Frack-” Rey rubbed her palm over her eyes, “-I spent most of my time convinced that some of the stories the traders told were just legends. My handler, Unkar Plutt, kept us scavengers dependant and clueless. Just how the Hutts liked it.”

Leia looked at her despondently. “Were there very many of you?”

“None as young as I was.”

“You were just…left there?” All previous emotion was gone from the General’s face, and in its place was a genuine curiosity.

“As far as I know, yes. I’m sorry,” Rey was almost embarrassed, “I don’t really remember much about it. In fact, I hadn’t really ever remembered anything at all of back then till I had an, uh, incident of sorts at Maz’s.”

“Incident?”

“A vision of sorts,” Rey answered uncomfortably, her tone turning slightly bitter again, “A Force vision, I guess. I made the mistake of touching that lightsaber.” Rey had given it to the General in the infirmary. More tossed it than given it, but that was a mere technicality.

“Ah, yes,” Leia said tersely, “I know the kind you mean.”

Rey was fascinated to see Leia’s understanding expression.

“You’ve had many Force visions before?” Rey asked eagerly, unable to mask the hope in her voice that perhaps _someone_ would be able to understand the pain it had wrought.

But those hope were instantly dashed when Leia shook her head and smiled acridly, “No. But I spent many nights awake with Han trying- and failing- to comfort my son, who was plagued with them.”

Rey tensed, “Oh.”

Leia flicked her eyes over Rey’s face, “And what exactly did the vision show you?”

“Just a lot of really odd imagery-” This was not something Rey was going to explain to the General. “-And then Jakku.”

Leia pursed her lips, no doubt picking up on Rey’s unwillingness to talk about the imagery.

After a beat, Rey relented and spoke again, sharing the only part of the vision she was willing to spare. “I saw myself, maybe five or six, and I was calling for someone to come back. Plutt was holding my arm. I guess that was when I was left there.” She swallowed the little lump in her throat at the memory of the vision. “I don’t even know if that’s what really happened. But I don’t have anything else to hang onto at night so I suppose it’s better than nothing, besides-” her voice turned acerbic once more, “the Force seems to be the catalyst in most other things, why not my non-existent memories too?”

Leia huffed a sharp laugh, “Now that, my dear, is a sentiment I can agree with. And I think Han would have toasted you for it too, till the both of you met either the floor or the bottom of the bottle.”

Rey ignored the pang in her chest, “He wasn’t a fan of the Force, then?”

Leia laughed outright at that. It was a sorrowful sound. “Heavens no. He was suspicious of it before, tolerant of it by the time the Republic had reinstated themselves, and then just outright hated it when he saw what it did to Ben.”

She hesitated, and Rey could see the General was debating whether to say more. Eventually, she did, and when she spoke her voice was low, almost as if she were speaking to herself. “Han did only his best to comfort Ben when the terrors would come. But he never understood it, and he hated that he was unable to fix his own son.”

Rey was utterly captivated. She wasn’t sure whether it was honest intrigue or morbid curiosity, but she found herself oddly fascinated hearing about this _person_ that existed before he became Kylo Ren. It unsettled Rey. As much as she found it fascinating, she didn’t _want_ to know him as anything more than a monster. She didn’t want to feel anything but hate for him.

Leia did not continue speaking about him. She was staring at an unfixed point on the inactive emitter, lost deep in thought. Unpleasant or troubling thoughts, by the look on her face.

They sat in silence for quite a while, wrapped in their own thoughts.

To be honest, Rey was rather perplexed as to why _the_ Leia Organa was being so familial with her. Scratch that, Rey thought, she was confused as to why _everyone_ was being so open with her. Finn trusted her right from the get-go, Han offered her a job, Chewie seemed to have practically adopted her, and Poe had focussed on making sure _she_ was okay. Now, here was the General of the Resistance sharing her private life with her. What was Rey to them? She was just a scavenger; a nobody.

Rey couldn’t have possibly been very important in any way. She was just left on Jakku after all, and despite all her hope, she knew in her heart that Maz Kanata was right. Her family wasn’t coming back. Frack, she didn’t even know if it had been her family that had left her there in the first place. Did she want to do something about it? Of course! That’s why she had taken a stranger’s hand to deliver a droid. But to receive such care and attention? Rey had spent her entire life fighting to simply exist. Was this what other people experienced? Was this normal? Rey had no way of knowing.

_It has made you strong._

Rey’s heart leapt into her throat, but this time she stayed calm. She needed to. She couldn’t have _General Leia_ find out about this. Whatever this was.

_Talking with my mother. How sweet._

He was composed, and his mind was tranquil against hers. It was a stark contrast to the contorted mayhem that had been his mind earlier.

_You caught me at a bad time._

Good, she thought spitefully.

_I was rather impressed. I’d read of such ‘bonds’ before, but never thought much of them till-_

Stop! Please just stop! She practically screamed in her thoughts, and her heart crashed wildly against her chest.

Kylo Ren fell silent.

Rey was shocked. Was that even sufficient? Is that how one talked through the Force? Just…Think something?

He was still silent, but there was a thrumming in the back of her mind that indicated his continued presence. Rey swore at herself for leaving her mind open yet again, and she had an ill feeling that it would be a continuous issue.

Only, Kylo Ren was still silent.

Rey groaned inwardly at what she was about to do.

_Can you hear me like this?_ She intentionally projected the question to him.

_Yes,_ he answered, _but only when you consciously direct at me. I am ashamed to admit it, but at this distance, I can’t do much more than brush at your mind without your consent. I can only hear that which you intend._ Suddenly, there was admiration blossoming over the bond, and a twinge of jealousy. _Yet, you managed to get into my head. You. And untrained Force Sensitive who claims to be a no-one. My question,_ now there was amusement, _was what you were intending to see in there._

_Nothing!_ Rey spat back. _I never intended to get into your mind! I never wanted this- this tether._ She sincerely hoped, wherever he was, that he was recoiling from the anger she lashed across the connection. If anything, she could sense he was startled at her sudden outburst. _You did this-_

_I did not-_ He spluttered, but she cut him off.

_-And I want nothing to do with you! Now GET OUT of my head!_

_I JUST said I couldn’t get in by myself!_ There was the anger she knew as Kylo Ren, and it gave her a sick satisfaction to have cracked his calm. _This was all you, Rey. I can ONLY get into your head when you LET ME._

_GET. OUT._ She shoved him back with a fury, hopefully scorching him in the process, and the bond fell cold. But Rey was still fuming. She wanted him to taste blood. She wanted to be the one to make him bleed.

“Rey?”

Leia’s soft voice pulled her from her own mind. Rey could finally hear how hard she was breathing.

“Are you alright? Do you need air?”

Rey gasped, reeling from the poisonous words that man had said.

“I-I’m sorry, General, I need to go. I-“

“Please, go get some fresh air, and try get some decent sleep.” Leia eyed Rey apprehensively as she staggered up from the chair and steadied herself.

“Rey!” Leia called her back just as she had reached the door.

“Yes, General?” Rey’s voice was withered.

Leia eyed her for a moment, again carefully choosing her words, “You’ve been through a truly distressing time for you, and I do want you to know that you can talk to any one of us should it become too much.”

Rey nodded quickly before ducking out the door and fleeing back to the _Millennium Falcon._ If anyone tried to call her attention on the way there, she didn’t notice.

She didn’t look around, she didn’t think, and she barely even dared to breathe till she was back safely inside the _Falcon._

‘Decent sleep’? Rey didn’t think it was possible.

At first, she passed it off as fear of _him_ lurking on the outskirts of her consciousness, but when she had paced the passageways of the _Falcon_ till her feet ached, and eventually fell into the co-pilots chair, she knew that was not the case.

No, Rey was scared of something far more sinister to her. That vision, her entering his mind, and all that scathing _hate_ that just felt so exceptionally satisfying to this new side of her. That was all her, and the _Force_ within _her._

Rey huddled into the chair, wrapping a coarse blanket around her. Kylo had been right. It was intoxicating. She felt poisoned and she was needed help to control it. Rey knew she needed to find Luke, she just didn’t know if she was ready for that. Besides, there was still a large part of the map missing, and Rey didn’t know where to start. She supposed- no, hoped- she would have a better mind-set in the morning.

But sleep was an elusive respite, and Rey was a faltering seeker.


	3. Ruin

**_Chapter 3: Ruin_ **

Kylo Ren was thrown back against the panels of his barracks with all of force of being ejected from a fighter craft. His head spun as he slid down the wall, and he dug his fingers into his temple to try sooth the white hot pain resulting from _that girl’s_ assault. It was not she who had so powerfully flung him against the walls of his own ship. No, he had moved all by himself, but it was the raw, branding pain of his resistance to her onslaught- and the aggressive emotion she had so fitfully thrashed at him with- that had caused Kylo Ren to react in such a volatile manner.

Force _damn_ her, Kylo snarled as he clutched his head tighter. It gave him no satisfaction to be aware that _this_ was the pain that she had felt when she had actively resisted him, and it enraged him to no end when he felt honest _guilt_ seep from that realisation _._

The wound _she_ had caused burned sharply at the pressure, but Kylo Ren did not mind. In fact, he relished it. He found relief in it.

Monster.

Her belief echoed around in his mind, and Kylo felt his rage subside, replaced with a vaguely unsettling sense of despondency.

Kylo had been allowed into her mind long enough to see some of the girl’s more unguarded feelings, and as much as he loathed to admit it, he had only told her the truth when he had said he could only see what she wanted to show him. This notion was just as confusing as it was infuriating. Over the past few hours, Kylo Ren had found himself blocked out and let into her space rather sporadically.

At first, he had assumed she was losing her focus in barring him out, and even she had thought this was the case. But after a while, Kylo discovered the rather disturbing truth. The barrier she had erected around her mind prevented any mind trick or intrusion, this was certain. However, he and the girl had forged a Force bond when their minds had clashed, and he was no third party anymore.

If what he had read from his Master’s Sith holocrons were to be believed, these bonds were exceptionally rare, and were almost exclusively between a master and their padawan. Additionally, as Kylo had come to find to be true while testing out the extent of this bond, one could only see what the other wanted them to see, and the recipient had to be listening. True, flashes of feeling or imagery were known to be sent unbidden- according to the holocron- but this was chalked up to a mutual want or need for connection between the two who shared the bond. A comfort, so to speak.

Somehow, Kylo doubted the girl would agree with this definition, and he himself was rather disquieted by the implications.

_“You have compassion for her.”_

Kylo let his hands fall from his face, and into his lap as the earlier words of his Master stung his mind. He shied away from them, resenting them for the shame they incited in him.

Compassion…Compassion for an insignificant scavenger.

Except that’s not who she was.

Insignificant.

That word could never be used to describe Rey.

And he was so bitterly sorry. So sorry.

For the second time that evening, guilt twisted ugly and contemptuously in Kylo’s chest because of _her_ , and he felt a familiar irascibility begin to rear its head.

Fitfully, he squeezed his fingers into the knot that Wookie had caused, and revelled in the far more adequate pain. Kylo pressed harder and gasped aloud as the burning agony spread from the mangled flesh and began to scorch the nerves in his chest and thighs.

Kylo closed his eyes and saw his fath- No. _Han Solo_ \- falling from his saber into the inky blackness of the shield reactor.

His whole body was aflame, but Kylo didn’t mind. The pain fuelled his hunger, and reminded him of the weakness he still had to snuff out. And Kylo Ren was nothing if not determined.

More so, the sweet agony drowned out his guilt.

He lifted his hand into his blurry line of vision, and twisted his lips in a cruel smile when he saw the glistening red.

Rey wanted to make him bleed.

She got her wish, even though she wouldn’t know it.

He would carve his body to pieces if it meant he wouldn’t have to feel that guilt.

Kylo Ren let his head fall against the wall with a dull metallic thud.

_“I want nothing to do with you.”_

He didn’t blame her.

Hopefully, they would arrive at the old Sith temple soon. Kylo was only too eager to complete his training and break free of the bonds from his time in the light.

Compassion.

He wanted none of it.

Had he not been plagued by the Force all his life? Kylo was resolute to conquer it. He would make it his own. He would finally be free from the terrors of the Force, and instead be its master. All this and more Snoke had shown to him. Snoke, the Sith Lord who had learnt to cheat even death in the past.

Luke…His foolish Uncle had done nothing of what he promised. Luke had gone on about peace and tranquillity. He taught lessons all well and good for people looking to master only _one_ side of the Force and merely quell the other.

Did he not realise that this was simply impossible for his young, terrified nephew?

His nephew, who had not spent a single undrugged night of his life without nightmare. His nephew, who was plagued by erratic and uncontrollable bouts of Dark-sided power. His nephew who had begged him for help because intimacy with _only_ Light simply did not work.

But Snoke. Snoke had shown him the power he could wield, and the control that was possible. The young boy named Ben would do anything for that reprieve. The man Kylo Ren would do anything for that control.

Anything.

Had he not just proved this when he killed…?

No. Kylo Ren would not fail.

He was no fool, and he knew Han Solo spoke with some truth. Snoke was a Sith, so it was no stretch of the imagination to believe that Snoke only wanted him for his power, and would dispose of Kylo when his own agenda had been realised. This, after all, was how the Sith operated. Kylo would become a threat when he got too powerful, and then he would have to be eliminated. Until then, however, he would be an ideal pawn. Kylo Ren was not mislead, he knew this well. Moreover, he knew that the only reason his training was progressing at this point was the introduction of a new threat.

Rey.

Snoke needed Kylo to be stronger, so that Rey would be unable to interfere with his plans.

Kylo, however, could not shake the feeling that Rey would not prove as easy to nullify as Snoke thought, and this brought him some measure of unexpected comfort.

He decided it was because losing her would be a waste of potential, and nothing more.

Even this, however, caused further complications for Kylo, but he did think on that further as a knock on the door distracted him from his thoughts.

“Landing in five, sir!”

Kylo hauled himself from the floor and opened the door.

The Stormtrooper before him flinched at the sudden movement before repeating himself, seemingly startled at seeing the imposing Force User without his usual mask.

“L-Landing in five, sir.”

Kylo nodded once, satisfied that even without the mask, the ‘trooper still seemed scared. “Understood.” He closed the door.

Perhaps it was the scar. Or the blood. Maybe the crazed look he had no doubt was frozen on his face after his most recent interaction with _her._

No matter. He got the reaction he desired.

Kylo called his lightsaber to his hand, and clipped it to his belt, taking a deep breath. There was still aching across his face, and stabbing in his gut. Good. He would need it for this meeting with Snoke, the first since he had been approached to kill the younglings.

All the younglings.

Kylo Ren sighed, walking to the ramp as the ship descended.

It had been Snoke’s objective to have Kylo alone, is was obvious.

And now Rey.

Kylo left the ship with an uncomfortable feeling in his gut, and in a moment of panic, he sealed off all evidence of his bond with Rey as well. Kylo was not sure of his current indispensability enough to allow Snoke this information, if he didn’t know it already. Kylo would find out soon enough. He forced himself to steel his nerves when he entered the unfamiliar inner temple.

It was a new planet. It was always a new planet.

“Ren. Welcome.” The seven-foot, lanky, cloaked figure in the centre of the sepulchre spoke.

“Master.” Kylo knelt, quashing his rising disgrace over the events of the past few days.

Supreme Leader Snoke strode towards him with an impossible grace.

“You are right to feel humiliated. Your performance had been far less than satisfactory. Pathetic would be a compliment.” His voice lacked any intonation.

“Yes, Master.” Kylo kept his head bowed.

Snoke had other plans. “Rise, Kylo Ren. Let me see how that desert rat has marked you.”

He obeyed, and got to his feet without hesitation, hiding his surprise at how close Snoke had come. Typically, he kept his distance, but now he was a mere meter away, and Kylo had to look up to meet his unsettling eyes.

Quicker than Kylo could breathe, he found himself on the floor again, palms flat on the stone and his forehead propped in between. There was a searing pain blazing its way across his left breast, and over his shoulder. Kylo smelt burnt flesh.

“You will not heal that wound. You will leave it till it has inflicted all it can. Neither will you treat the one on your face.”

“Yes, Master.”

There was a rustling of robes as Snoke swept past him, and Kylo staggered to his feet to see several non-Sensitive acolytes move towards him, pikes ready to attack. He had forgotten how unorthodox Snoke’s instruction was. Be that as it may, it was far more effective than Luke’s had ever been.

Kylo was not surprised to see Snoke leave. He never stayed in any one place for long, especially not if his apprentice was present.

“This will be your home till I feel you are ready to re-join the First Order and a _t least_ take care of that scavenger. I have unearthed some very particular Sith holocrons for you from Korriban. Training modules of an…Unusual variety-” The tone of Snoke’s sent shivers of honest fear down Kylo’s spine. “-I think you’ll find them more than adequate.”

“And what would you have me do with the girl when that time comes, my Master?” Kylo asked before he could stop himself, and waited with bated breath while Snoke considered it. The acolytes were rearing to attack, waiting for Snoke’s departure.

“Try your hand at making her one of us,” he said after a while, “Make her your plaything, as with everything else. And as with everything else-“ Kylo recoiled slightly at the notion, and was enraged at his own response. “-If you cannot break her to your will, kill her. Such is our way, apprentice.”

Compassion. He disgusted himself. He needed to kill something.

“Yes, Master.”

When the acolytes attacked, Kylo Ren knew Snoke had left. He smiled when their weapons crossed, and blood was spilt.

It had been light when Kylo had arrived at the temple. Now, it was dark, and the stars shone brightly against the inky backdrop of space.

Nothingness.

That’s what Kylo felt when he stumbled to his chambers and collapsed on the hard bed.

He was empty and spent, and had more than several new carvings on his body.

_“It’s your weakness.”_

_“Monster.”_

_“Weakness.”_

Kylo wrenched himself upright and got to work cleaning and scarring over his lacerations from the first training fight, carefully avoiding doing anything to mend the two that Snoke had made taboo.

Despite the pikes being what they were, they made devastating injuries whenever they so much as nicked flesh.

No matter, Kylo had left five bodies on the floor of the chamber for the other seven to take care of.

As he worked, he ever so slightly let his mind wander to the bond, and gently brushed against it, feeling the connection out.

It was warm, humming, but blank.

So, Kylo thought, she was asleep.

He jumped as a flash of fear sparked across the tether, and for a moment was actually nervous that she had caught him out. Though why this mattered to him, he could not figure out.

His chest clenched with an unfamiliar emotion when he realised that yes, she was indeed asleep, but she was having a nightmare.

No, it was more than that.

She was having a Force-inspired terror.

Kylo Ren’s heart ached for her, and it caused him to rip open the gash he had been working on in anger.

Compassion.

He threw the medical kit he was using to the side and instead tried to focus on healing the freshly seeping wound with the Force, something he had been unable to do thus far.

Focus, Ren!

There was turmoil beating against his mind, and now that he had flirted with it, he could not escape.

She was calling out in her sleep, and Kylo was shaken by the familiarity of it.

The spikes of fear, anger, and hopelessness became more and more frequent, and the line between what she was projecting and what Kylo himself was feeling became increasingly blurred.

Compassion.

_“Weakness.”_

Kylo jumped to his feet and concentrated all his scorching fury at the wound, willing it to close.

Compassion.

_“I want nothing to do with you!”_

He screamed, and the skin finally closed.

Kylo Ren stood in silence, panting from the exertion.

It bothered him that the act was only possible with her influence.

“ _Weakness.”_

More so, it bothered Kylo that it only made him want to protect her more.

Protect? Was protect the right word? He didn’t know anymore. The prospect of her death was something that would cause more guilt than Kylo felt he had threshold for. He had been cause of enough already.

As the fog cleared from his mind it dawned on him that, for the first time, there was someone out there who would _understand._ But why did it have to be _her._

The wound split back open, and anger bubbled afresh.

In a single motion he called his lightsaber to his outstretched hand, ignited it, and brought it crashing down on the table with a howl.

Kylo Ren hacked his chamber apart, drowning out the feeling of Rey’s fear in his mind. He could do nothing about it.

_“I want nothing to do with you!”_

_“Monster.”_

He didn’t blame her.

Kylo fell to the desecrated floor in exhaustion, and his lightsaber clattered away from his limp hands.

The girl may have been systems away, but she was still going to be his weakness, and it pained him to be so unsure if she was a weakness he would be able to break.


	4. Fated

**_Chapter 4: Fated_ **

When Rey saw the _Millennium Falcon’s_ cockpit again, it was through blurry eyes and Chewie’s arms.

Her chest was heaving, and with every breath she gave an audible cry.

The Wookie had pulled her to his chest, and had her enveloped in a warm embrace, rocking her back and forth.

But the night terror persisted still.

Rey found herself clinging to Chewie’s hair, appreciating the comfort he provided, but dismayed that it was doing nothing to calm her, and chase the dreadful imaginings away.

The nightmare was not unlike the vision she experienced on Takodana. No, that was no _nightmare._ It was far, far worse. Only this time, when Kylo Ren had killed the other man, he had proceeded to advance on her. And she had been unable to stop him from running her through again, and again, with that jagged saber.

He didn’t stop till he was kneeling over her, and her hands were wrapped around his mask.

This time, he did not remove it when she asked. Instead, he had picked her broken form up and carried her away from the sodden battlefield, into a courtyard where many still bodies lay.

Such tiny, tiny bodies.

But Kylo Ren carried on walking.

He moved through the littered enclosure, through an arch, and onto almost-white sand with Rey still in his arms. Rey did not know this place. At first, she thought it to be Jakku, but then she saw the ocean.

Kylo Ren waded into the shallows of a crystal clear pool with her, and as he gently dipped her body beneath the cool water, Rey’s pain had ebbed away. He clutched her body to his then, holding her desperately close, and Rey curled her fingers around the latches of his helmet once more.

This time, he let her remove it.

The face underneath was not the Kylo Ren she had already met. The face was younger, more innocent, but still undoubtedly him. And so terribly scared.

He released her, and instead of drifting or sinking as she expected, Rey landed on soft sand, utterly unharmed. The ocean was gone.

The boy, however, collapsed.  Rey watched Kylo in alarm, feeling the slightest of uncanny concern for him. His face was twisted into a pained grimace, but his lips were smiling. Kylo Ren clutched at his upper body, squeezing hard against his upper left chest, and tried to get up. He fell again, and Rey scrambled to help him, compelled beyond her understanding. She could not move. The sand just kept shifting, and she kept tumbling to meet it.

Kylo reached out for her, sprawled helplessly on the dune. The sand around his body bled red.

Rey stretched her arm out from where she lay, coming within millimetres of Kylo’s fingertips, before his eyes locked with hers in one last, frenzied plea, and the crimson sands swallowed him.

Rey was left alone, clawing at the blood soaked desert.

Abruptly, searing pain sped over her chest in the same place Kylo had been clutching, and her whole body screamed with the phantom agony of sliced nerves.

As Rey had writhed, she found that pull as she might, her left leg would not move; it was sunken in the desert silt. Then it was her right arm, then her other two limbs, and then the discoloured sand overwhelmed her as it had Kylo Ren.

It was everywhere.

In her hair, in her ears, in her eyes, in her nose.

She could taste the blood in her mouth.

Rey tried to yell for help, but choked on the sand. She tried to breath, and it suffocated her.

Just when her own heartbeat pounded loud and frenzied in her head, she had heard Kylo Ren scream- a tormented, enraged cry- and Rey had awoken in Chewbacca’s arms.

Rey’s head still throbbed, but not with her heartbeat, but a splitting migraine over the right side of her face.

_[Little One? Little One please. Please be calm.]_

Rey nodded shakily against Chewie’s chest, and took small comfort in the way his fur scratched her face. It was something tangible and _here_ , unlike everything that was undoing her mind.

Rey froze. Her mind! She had left herself open again.

Her temper flared sharply as a malicious thought bubbled to the forefront of her mind.

That _bastard._ Was their Order truly so _low_ as to manipulate her as she _slept?_

Rey turned her focus to the offending fetter in her psyche, intent on unleashing all the pure hell she could harness at the creature who dared to make her feel _concern_ and _pity_ for him in the one place she was meant to be safe.

But when she keyed in on the connection, Rey lost all of her ire, and was left having to retract every curse she had just thrown.

The bond was open, this was true, but Kylo Ren was wholly unfocused on her, and his state was one of chaos and distraction. This did not mean he had not _just_ been in her mind, twisting her thoughts, but Rey knew he had done no such thing, even though the admission was a reluctant one. She knew the feeling of aggressive intrusion, and this was not it.

The connection was alive with the stimulation of one mind brushing against the other, but that was all, and though Kylo may have dipped into her exposed thoughts while she was asleep, Rey was certain that had been all he had done. There was no sting in her mind, no feeling of shredded mentality, and while that thought still unsettled her, Rey was unusually reassured that Kylo had not taken advantage of her unconscious state.

Whether he told the truth or not about being able to see anything she was unwilling to show, Rey still debated. She could hardly imagine herself _wanting_ to dream of him, or even calling out to him in any way at all. However, this conundrum, as strange is it may have been, was not the most troublesome one in her head.

Rather, she was more bothered by the ghost-pain she felt. It was fading now, but still not ignorable on her chest and face. Even more disturbing was that she had no idea what caused it. Not even the dream had given an inkling to its origin.

Chewbacca shook her gently, shifting her attention.

 _[Are you alright now, Little One?]_ He rumbled.

“I think so,” Rey answered slightly breathlessly, “I’m sorry Chewie.”

Chewie shook his head at her in urgency, _[No, Little One. Don’t be sorry. Just get better. Such experiences do awful things to the mind. As does the Force. Just focus on getting back up each time such a thing pushes you to the ground.]_

Rey stared up that him, her eyes wide. She had not once heard the Wookie speak so much all at once.

_“…Spent many nights awake… comfort my son.”_

Leia’s words jumped to the forefront of Rey’s mind, bringing with them an awful realisation about the poor Wookie.

This was probably the second time Chewbacca had to comfort a struggling Force-Sensitive with nightmares he did not fully understand.

Force.

The _damn_ Force.

Rey had no doubt she had just had her first taste of a Force dream.

First taste.

Something in her despaired, and she wrapped her arms as far around Chewie as they would go, letting him sway her to and fro.

_[Don’t worry, Little One. You will come to manage them in time. Perhaps, with Luke’s guidance.]_

Rey knew it was the best way to go. So why did Chewbacca sound so uncertain?

At last, the ghost-pain subsided, and Chewbacca let he go once he felt her muscles ease from the tense lock they had been in. He left her in the cockpit after one final once-over to be sure she was alright, and Rey was alone with her thoughts again.

Well, not alone.

Rey sighed heavily. She could not believe she was just walking into this, eyes wide-open, _again._

But she had to know, and she had no one else to turn to right now without outing the secret she kept.

 _Kylo?_ She called, and instantly regretted it, nervous knots forming in her gut. There was silence, and she almost hoped he hadn’t heard her.

 _I’m here, Rey._ The anxiety vanished as mist before the sun when she heard his tone. He was exhausted, and if he had been speaking to her rather than projecting, she was sure it would have been a hoarse whisper.

She was drawn to the presence of his consciousness, now turned towards her instead of away. It was weak.

_You can walk right in if you want, you won’t find any resistance from me._

Rey was startled. This was not normal.

 _Are you alright?_ She asked without thought. A reflex reaction really, much like reaching for him in the dream had been.

 _A-alright?_ He was taken aback, then intensely curious. _Dream?_

Damnit. She hadn’t intended to project that. Kylo was proving to be much for adept at partitioning his thoughts, but perhaps that was a perk of his training, where deceit was practically a requirement.

_Nothing._

_Dream, Rey?_ He sounded genuinely worried, despite the fatigue evident in his every mental shift.

Rey sat in uneasy silence, and felt him gently brush and graze the bond between them. He felt so sincerely troubled at her distress, and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that.

_Rey?_

_I think it was a Force dream. Or vision, whatever. It was…_ She trailed off.

When he responded, there was an edge to his presence that threw Rey, so out of place was it for Kylo Ren.

_Rey, I’m so very sorry._

_Sorry?_ Rey had meant to snap at him, but what came out was something else.

He was drifting in and out on the tether, and Rey was honestly feeling slightly concerned for him.

 _It’s- It’s like a weight that becomes heavier every time you need to carry it-_ Kylo was projecting with such difficulty, Rey even reached out further to pull him in, eager to hear what he had to say- _It’s someone dear to you who keeps begging you for water, and all you keep doing is lighting them on fire, despite being sure you were leading them to a spring._ His presence was fading. _It’s you starving, pleading for it all to end, yet every time you reach that ledge, there’s something there to s-sustain you, if only to torture you more._ Kylo was almost completely gone, and Rey was clinging to the vague thread of his consciousness that was still there. She could have been imagining it, but she was sure he was fighting to stay there with her.

_But why, Kylo? Why?_

His answer was laboured, and she knew he couldn’t hold on much longer. Whatever was wrong with him, Rey didn’t know, but it was scaring her.

 _I don’t know, Rey, I’m sorry._ He fell away completely then.

 _Kylo!_ Rey called, alarmed.

No response.

_Kylo?_

Rey forced her mind outwards, feeling out the bond and following the tether to its other source. She was surprised how easily it went, despite having no active mind pulling her in, and somewhat proud of herself when she tracked him down. Rey marvelled at the feeling.

So this was what he felt each time he had tested out her barrier.

Rey was relieved to find him unconscious, asleep. Relieved? She did a double take on herself. Rey chose to ignore it.

She felt him out further, for once testing the limits of this new power she had.

To put it simply, Kylo Ren was a mess to her, and it made it very difficult to make out anything beyond mangled emotion. It occurred to Rey in that instant that, perhaps, chaos had its perks, if it was _this_ successful in confusing any assailants.

He had not been lying when he said she would meet no resistance, but once she felt that _pain_ , Rey staggered back as if branded.

Was _that_ how he was trained? Beaten and pushed till physical failure? Rinse, repeat?

Rey jerked her head back and forth as if to throw the sudden onslaught from her mind. That was one exploration she was never going to try again. Kylo Ren could have his mind as private as he wished, and Rey would continue to ignore that persistent compassion that curled in her heart for him.

Compassion for _him_ was something Rey simply could not afford to allow in herself.

She braced her hands on the console of the _Millennium Falcon_ and stared out of the viewport into the hazy dusk of a misty D’Qar.

Rey knew she had to find Luke, even if it was only to bring him to Leia. But maybe, just maybe, he could help her with this energy that seemed to both pull her together and rip her apart at every turn since she had embraced it.

“Rey?”

Only Poe Dameron could pull off being so chipper in the midst of all that was happening. Rey was glad for it.

She turned to him and smiled, aware that it didn’t quite reach the rest of her face.

“Morning, Poe.”

He gave her a tight squeeze, then held her at arm’s length and looked her up and down.

“Hmm, I’d honestly love to say ‘You look like you had a good night!’, but-”

Rey scoffed a laugh and lightly hit his shoulder, unable to not respond to his mischievous grin.

“-So I guess we just focus on ‘You look like you slept!’, and leave it at that?”

“Yeah,” Rey sighed, “There’s at least that, I guess.” She looked up at him, not missing the slightly dimmer sparkle in his eyes, and asked softly, “How’s Finn doing?”

“Well, actually,” he bobbed his head as he spoke, “The cybernetics went in last night, and they give him about two weeks or so until his body either accepts or rejects it. Till then, we wait and see. But they say it looks promising!”

Rey couldn’t help but smile as he led her out of the _Falcon,_ a spring in his step after getting to share the news, and that smile only grew when she saw a familiar little yellow-and-white astromech speed towards them full-tilt, bouncing sporadically over the little pebbles on the tarmac.

BB-8 practically skidded to a stop in front of them, rolling back and forth to compensate, and beeped zealously at them both. Rey was out of her depth with the speed at which the little droid was talking, but Poe laughed and knelt beside the little ardent ball, and seemed to catch what was being said.

“Now, seems Leia has called a lil’ meeting for us and BB here,” he said, looking up at Rey, “Somethin’ to do with good ol’ R2-” He shrugged, “-That droid’s been on low power ever since I’ve known it. Wonder what’s up.”

They followed a chirping BB-8 the rest of the way to the main control room in companionable silence.

Sure, Rey didn’t know why they were all so accepting of her, but maybe that was just how it worked when people were decent. Maybe there was more. She didn’t know, and quite frankly didn’t care so long as people like Chewie, Poe and Finn felt as genuine as they did. That was enough for Rey, for now, and she was not oblivious to the fact that she had come to rely heavily on all of them, even in such a short time.

The control room was abuzz when they walked in. Leia was talking rather vigorously with two of her junior techs, and there were several others fussing over the R2 unit and the machinery around it. Both Poe and Rey looked at each other in simultaneous confusion.

What in the world was going on?


	5. Tending

**_Chapter 5: Tending_ **

“Rey! Poe!” Leia noticed them in the doorway and ushered them over.

BB-8 sped circles around their feet as they walked over, twittering just as enthusiastically as he had outside. From her time with the endearing little droid, Rey managed to pick up just a hint of smugness in amongst the garbled beeping.

“Is it just me, or is BB just a teeny bit proud of himself over something?” Rey whispered to Poe.

He grinned back at her, “Nah, little buddy is downright chuffed about whatever it is, but I’m afraid not even _I_ can understand him at this point. He’s practically giddy.”

“If you two could stop gossiping back and forth for a second, perhaps I can help bring about some clarity.” Leia was smiling at them with all the patience her position commanded, with a smidgen of feistiness on the side.

Rey was ever so slightly saddened to note that Kylo had his mother’s eyes, as well as her smile. Though while hers was laced with the burden of her years, yet still spirited, his had been youthful but tortured. Rey didn’t know which was worse.

“Our humblest apologies, your High-“

“Poe!” Leia looked at him warningly.

“-Your Royal-Generalness.” He finished with a disarming smile. Rey had no doubt this man could talk a krayt dragon out of its lunch.

“Poe…” The General simply shook her head, chuckling, “Oh well, at least you’re here now. As far as all of this-” she gestured to the room, “-goes, follow me.”

Leia darted across the room to where the R2 unit was trussed. Poe and Rey were close on her heels, but BB-8 skidded a bit before his body caught any traction, and bumped into the back of Rey’s legs to stop, causing her to stagger forward. Thankfully, Poe steadied her before she fell on Leia, and said General eyed the little BB unit with stern amusement. He could only beep apologetically from his position, hiding behind Rey’s legs.

“That one always has been a little rascal. He’s almost as bad as R2 was back when,” Leia said, affectionately patting the sleeping droid on his dome, “Which brings us to the ‘why’ of all this excitement. It appears that section of map little BB-8 here brought in triggered some kind of directive in R2’s low-power sub-programming. We had him hooked up to these terminals as soon as we found him in the temple all those years ago with the hopes he would power back up again. Instead, the terminals seem to have come to use in another way.

Since this directive was activated, R2’s background programming has been systematically trawling all the data we’ve discovered thus far. This includes all the holotapes Luke had discovered for his academy, among other more sinister ones the Empire had in their command.”

Rey looked to Poe in confusion, but he looked about as excited as the techs.

“Why didn’t we pick this up sooner? This is fantastic!”

Leia maintained her patient smile, and Rey had a feeling it was one she had crafted specifically for the go-getter pilot. “Well, Mister Dameron, unless those solar rays really have taken effect on your eyes, I’m sure you’re privy to the fact that the Resistance does not have legions of minions mucking about. Additionally, I don’t think any of us were particularly preoccupied with R2’s shenanigans when we had imminent death looming over our heads. Unless, of course, you felt that blowing up a small planet was approximate to a lazy morning stroll?”

Poe laughed, “Perhaps, General?”

She sniffed in response, “Well I’m glad to know I can count on you to take over our suicide missions, then. At any rate, the excitement is actually due to the fact that R2 has narrowed his searches to astrological maps.” She pointed to a monitor that was rapidly cycling through various images, “More specifically, _old_ astrological maps. Really old ones.”

Rey could have kicked herself. Of course.

Luke.

They were anticipating that the R2 unit would be able to reveal Luke’s location.

For some reason, this didn’t thrill her as much as she thought it would have.

Leia flicked one of the cycling images onto a static monitor, “This, for instance, is an old navigational chart from before the Jedi Order was wiped out in the Clone Wars.”

Rey recognised the symbols. “That’s Jakku!”

Leia nodded, “Yes it is. But more than that, the sole purpose of this map is to mark out the old Jedi Temple there.” She pulled up the map’s Jakku notation, and Rey felt Poe’s body go rigid beside her. “Poe, I think you know where this points to.”

Rey looked back at him, catching his stiff nod.

She turned back to Leia, questions dancing in her eyes.

“That little fragment of navigational map we have?” Leia continued, “Poe retrieved that from an old friend on Jakku, before my son massacred the village and the friend, and took him captive.” Rey was taken aback by the matter-of-fact way Leia spoke. She radiated professionalism.

“Then he proceeded to pick his merry way through my mind until he realised the map was still back on Jakku.” Poe’s usually joking tone came off as dry and scathing.

Leia shrugged infinitesimally, “I’m hardly excusing his actions, Poe.”

“But you want him back alive,” Poe retorted flatly, now completely without any attempt humour.

Rey stayed quiet. Obviously this was a continued fight of sorts, and she wasn’t about to interfere. She told herself it was because it wasn’t her place, and not due to last night at all.

“Only to ring his neck myself, Dameron.” The look Leia levelled at Poe was one that had overthrown governments in the past, Rey was sure of it. It certainly ended _that_ altercation.

BB-8 rolled into Rey’s legs again- this time she _did_ fall to the floor in surprise- and chirruped loudly in the ensuing silence of Leia and Poe’s standoff. The shifty little scamp.

However, just like on Jakku, he rolled around, tilted his little domed head, and she was an absolute pushover for the little astromech.

The people who claimed droids had no soul certainly hadn’t met any of these pieces of works.

From the little bit she had seen and heard, Rey shuddered to think what C-3P0 and R2 were like as a fully active duo.

Leia was the one to help her to her feet. Poe still had a slight scowl on his face.

“So,” Rey began slowly, looking at the flashing maps and feeling slightly daunted, “I expect, with this lack of garrison you claim to have, you’re looking for someone to go find Luke whenever we should find him?”

“You’d expect correct, my dear.” Leia pursed her lips, “Find him, and drag him back here even if it’s with him kicking and screaming the whole way.”

“And I suppose my mutual interest in Luke with this whole _Force_ thing makes me your best bet?”

Leia smiled ever so faintly, her face unreadable, “ _That_ , and I don’t want to send a whole fleet after him, despite how desperate I may seem. Mainly because I don’t want the First Order sticking their nose in, and my son is quite the, um, tenacious one. As we’ve seen.” Her voiced waivered slightly at her last words, no doubt thinking of _that._

Rey twisted her lips at that. She didn’t know what to make of General Leia. How one woman could lose all her family after actually having _had_ a family and still maintain such dignity impressed Rey.

“I’m sure I can come keep you-“ Poe was swiftly interrupted by Leia.

“No, I’m sorry Poe. I need you here.”

His expression changed from hopeful to indignant faster than Rey could blink.

“But-“

“Poe, you say it yourself all the time. You’re our best pilot. I need you here.”

His face fell in defeat.

“And,” Leia continued, “Just because Starkiller is space dust, it does not mean our fight against the First order has stopped. Have you forgotten that they destroyed the _last_ of the Republic Senate? Our fight has only just begun.”

He shook his head, grim acceptance on his face.

“Poe,” Rey said softly, “don’t forget about Finn. He’s going to need someone friendly to help him adjust all the way, and not be chasing some recluse to the ends of the galaxy.”

“Fine, fine. You girls win,” he eyed her pointedly, “but you best come back in one piece, alright?”

Leia laughed, “She’s not going anywhere just yet, Dameron. Come along, let’s leave R2 to his treasure hunt.”

Something occurred to Rey then, “And if he isn’t looking for the same thing as us?”

The General raised a brow at her, “Oh, don’t worry. My techs have their own search running as R2 goes. Under no circumstances am I letting my brother get away with desertion.”

With that, Leia turned on her heel and left the hub, with Poe and Rey standing slightly disconcerted in her wake.

She called her son tenacious, Rey thought dryly. She could see where Kylo got it from.

Rey looked up at Poe, and saw him staring blankly at the door, a slightly lost expression on his face. There was an insistent beep at her feet, and she glanced down to see BB-8 wobble back and forth, as if wanting her to do something about his friend’s mood.

Only one thing came to mind, “Pazaak?” she asked lightly, clapping a hand on his shoulder.

He smiled at her, “I’ll bring some caffa. Meet you by the gardens in ten, alright?”

She nodded and watched him walk away. BB-8 cheeped at her happily before following Poe with a fury, dodging techs as he went.

Rey smiled widely at the sight before heading off to the _Falcon_ to go get the deck.

So, she thought as she walked, looks like she was going to be of use to the Resistance beyond delivering a droid after all. If only it didn’t feel quite so much like Leia was going to use her as bait to get Luke to come back.

Though, Rey had to say it was as good a reason as any. What kind of brother abandons his sister after her son, well, commits genocide? No, Rey would take pleasure in bringing Luke back to Leia, and she would make sure she got her pound of flesh out of it. It was his nephew who caused her to be in the situation she was in, he was damn well going to help her cope with it if nothing else.

_He’ll disappoint you._

Despite the small measure of unwanted relief at feeling his presence against her mind again after the way he had left her, Rey was in no mood to deal with his antics.

_My antics?_

_Either say whatever it was that was so important as to warrant my immediate attention and get out, or get out immediately. Either way, you have exactly one minute to remove yourself from my consciousness or I promise I will kick you out far worse than last time._

His shock made her smile.

_You know, with the way you act I’m surprised you turned down my offer. You would fit right in here._

_No thank you. I don’t fancy being beaten half to death as a method of instruction._

He was silent for a bit, and Rey almost thought he had heeded her one-minute warning.

But this was not to be.

_You saw that, did you?_ He sounded vaguely embarrassed.

_I saw the aftermath, Ren._

Now she could feel his mortification, but above that she could feel respite and thinly-veiled aches of discomfort.

_Why do you follow such a teaching?_ She just couldn’t help herself.

_It makes me stronger._

_Did killing your father make you stronger? Did collapsing from pain and pure fatigue make you stronger?_

Anger flashed bright and fierce over the bond.

_It will make me stronger._

_It’ll make you dead._

_Then all your apparent problems will be over, scavenger._ His voice was laden with surrender.

She faltered at his use of the word, now oddly used to him calling her ‘Rey’.

He was frustrated when he spoke again. _I’ve told you this before, and you still don’t seem to believe me. I am simply not strong enough to just waltz my way into your mind, unlike you. I need your invitation. So please, Rey. What do you want from me?_

_I want you to leave me alone._ Rey was becoming increasingly exasperated with his games.

_This isn’t a game, Rey._

_Then stop toying with me!_

_Very well._ He was terse, cold.

He was gone.

She retrieved her pazaak deck in silence, and walked to the gardens with her mind empty.

Had she called him? She couldn’t be sure.

Rey barely knew how the Force itself worked, never mind something as supposedly rare and complex as a Force bond, if Kylo was to be believed. Her determination to find Luke only increased at that. He would help her, whether he liked it or not.

_“He’ll disappoint you.”_

_“He would have disappointed you.”_

Rey could not help but wonder what the men young Ben was supposed to have looked up to had done to him.

Rey was torn between sympathy and revulsion for Kylo Ren, and she didn’t know how to deal with it as she was.

She spotted Poe sitting at the table they had played at last time, a flask and two steaming mugs beside him. He smiled brightly at her as she approached, and pushed one of the mugs to her when she sat.

“Now, I ain’t Force Sensitive, but I know troubled when I see it.”

Rey laughed, appreciatively taking long sip of the tasty drink.

Poe took the deck, shuffled it, and dealt them in.

“Now, tell Doctor Dameron all about it, buddy.”

Rey shrugged, her smile growing tense, “Just, thinking. About the Force, Luke-“

He nodded mock-sagely, and flipped a five onto his side.

“-And tall, dark, and Forceful.” She had to be moderately honest with someone. It might as well be Poe.

He looked at her from under his brow, head tilted in an understanding bow.

“Ah, Rey-” he sighed as she put down a seven, and took a sip of his caffa“-I should’a added Corellian Whiskey instead of chocolate this time around.”

Rey would drink to that.


	6. Privation

**_Chapter 6: Privation_ **

Three days.

It had been three days since Leia had told Rey about R2’s activity.

Three days since she and Poe had sat down to their second game of pazaak.

Three days since Poe had, in fact, gone to fetch that bottle of Corellian Whiskey, and they had spent the rest of the day playing pazaak for shots, taking refuge from the mutual memory of Kylo Ren.

Three days since Chewie had helped Rey stagger back to the _Falcon_ and fall into bed.

But more importantly, it had been three days since there had been any activity over the bond at all.

Needless to say, Rey didn’t get much time to mull over this fact. Chewie had kept her busy with Shyriiwook and holochess, and Leia had been systematically running Rey through a myriad of medical examinations to ensure she was in top shape after the events of Starkiller.

Her physicals all came back spotless, if not a bit malnourished, but her mental examination had been, well-

“A mess.”

That.

Leia had Rey seated in her living quarters, and the General herself was standing with her hands firmly on her hips, looking at Rey with an almost motherly disapproval. Rey had been here for almost an hour, and Leia was nothing if not persistent.

“Rey, I’m more than aware of the toll that such events can have on a person, and I know we’re in the middle of a war and everything, but you can’t expect to be fine just brushing off everything like you do.”

Rey shrugged, “I didn’t have much room to wiggle on Jakku, I’m sure you can imagine. Any show of weakness would have made me easy prey.”

“I _know_ , Rey. I know. The past is for you to deal with and I won’t pretend to have all the answers. All I’m asking is that you try and talk to someone about what’s _happening._ I tell all my men, if they can’t acknowledge what’s bothering them, they can’t fly a fighter or fire a blaster. Having issues that cloud your mind put yourself as well as others in danger. That might have been all good and well for solitary life on Jakku, but here I’m going to need you to at least think about it.” There was no harshness in Leia’s voice. Only concern, and the lilt it had on her speech reminded Rey of Kylo. He definitely got most of his genes from his mother.

Oh _frack_ it! Rey swore at herself. Did her thoughts honestly have to wander _there?_

“I _do_ think about it! That’s the problem!” She retorted, letting her frustration get the better of her, “I think about it _all the time_ and it’s driving me insane.”

Leia sat down for the first time since she had brought Rey in, and she let Rey vent.

“The sudden change from hot desert to cold space. Lonely and afraid, to _friends_ and slightly-less-afraid. Non Force-User to suddenly-“ She choked over her own words, stopping herself short of saying something _really_ damning, “-s-suddenly making Stormtroopers do what I tell them,” she finished quickly, and hoped Leia hadn’t noticed the wobble.

Who was Rey kidding? Of course the perceptive General had noticed, but she was also privy to know when to press, and this was not one of those times.

“Leia,” Rey continued slowly, “I just want to find Luke and get some measure of control over whatever is happening to me. I was _fine_ on Jakku. I was _fine_ on Takodana. Sure, I was struggling, but I was _fine-“_

Rey looked at the older woman to see if she followed, and continued when she got an understanding nod.

“-But then…Then the _Force_ had to come into it, and suddenly I’m barely keeping it together-” And suddenly I’m bound to your son, Rey though grimly. “-I think about it all the time, Leia. I can’t stop, the Force doesn’t let me. All I want is to stop.”

At this point, Rey wasn’t really sure what the ‘It’ was. Even in her mind, the lines were very blurred.

Leia surprised her by chuckling, and Rey looked at her, startled.

“Oh, you remind me so much of how I reacted when I unintentionally shattered a few windows in my youth.”

At Rey’s unchanged expression, she carried on, “Both Luke and I discovered our abilities rather late. You see, it takes a Force encounter to incite a Force Sensitive. Luke existed in the barren in more than one way climate of Tatooine. I was in amongst the noise of politics and rebellion. It was only just after Endor that I unwittingly tapped into the Force a few times in any way more than a _feeling.”_

Leia paused, her eyes rather abruptly looking far more haunted than Rey had ever seen them.

“I hated it. I shied away from it once it manifested as anything more. I didn’t want anything to do with it.” She sighed heavily, “Rey, you have to understand, I was a princess back then. I was the ‘New Big Thing’ when the Empire was crippled. Most others that were part of the Rebellion just wanted the fleet admirals as they were to be the new Senate. I knew this could not be the case. If we ever wanted to flush out the Empire, we had to dissolve the militant state.

So, I stayed in politics. I stayed, and I didn’t want any of this Force mysticism to influence my position. People still had bad memories of the Jedi and the Sith. To the galaxy, the two bled together. A Force user was a Force user, no matter the side. I didn’t want that to jeopardise my fight for democracy. As it happened, I turned down Luke when he offered to train me, instead allowing myself to stagnate in the Force and be blind to it through the noise of the political affairs-”

Rey was hypnotised once again, lost in a world long gone as told by the General.

“I cannot articulate how much I regret that decision, Rey, and not because I can’t feel the Force, because I can, make no mistake.” Her face crumpled in momentary grief, and Rey came to the realisation of what she was saying just as she said it, “But because I missed out on the only chance I might’ve had to help Ben. I threw it away for _politics._ ”

“Leia-“ Rey’s heart broke for the aggrieved woman.

“I don’t want you to say you’re sorry, Rey. I just want you to make sure your head’s in the right place before you make a mistake like that. When I refused Luke, I had no idea I would have a son. Until I did. I had no idea I should have honed my ability and learnt how to wield it before it was far too late. By then, I was left with a distraught little boy in my arms, and a husband who was forced to watch the two people he loved most suffer and be unable to do a single thing about it.”

Rey was speechless.

“I sent Ben off to Luke on a desperate whim. He didn’t want to go at first. _I_ sent him there while Han was away, knowing he would have stopped me. I sent Ben there in the hopes that Luke would succeed where I had failed. But as history repeats itself, something much worse had taken a hold of Ben in the absence _I_ had created. His _master,”_ Leia all but snarled the word, “Snoke, he saw this young, scared little boy so strong in the Force and he preyed on that. And I, I could do nothing about it because I didn’t know _how._ ”

“Leia, you couldn’t have-“

“I could have. I should have, but I made a mistake, and I lost my husband for it-” Rey felt a pain in her chest when she realised Leia had not yet written Kylo off. “-I know you’re scared, Rey. But hiding away from it isn’t going to solve your problems. If anything, it will only make them worse now that both my son and no doubt Snoke are aware of your Force Sensitivity.”

This was something Rey had not considered, and her expression must have showed it because Leia raised a brow knowingly, and nodded slightly.

“You’re persuasive, I’ll give you that, Leia.”

She laughed once, “Let’s hope so, because I still intend to deal with my son, however this may end.”

“Leia,” Rey’s voice shook, “Kylo-“

“Ben. Please,” Leia was almost desperate, “He’s still Ben to me.”

“Ben, then. Ben has probably changed a lot from the boy you knew, how can you be so sure he’s not lost?” Rey asked, sincerely wishing to know how the woman could possibly see any good in him.

Leia took a moment before answering, “Because he killed his father.”

Rey visibly flinched, and frowned at the General, gaping at her, “Wha-“

Leia held up her hand to stop Rey, “-The Sith value strong emotion like passion and hate, it supposedly makes them strong. They condemn attachments because unlike lustful passion, love was seen to make one weak. The mere fact that Ben killed Han shows me he was not lost. It shows me he’s desperately trying to remove anything that makes him weak- anything he loves-”

“And exactly _how_ does this make you think he can _still_ be saved?” Rey was close to shrieking.

“You-” Rey froze. “-He could have easily killed both you and Finn. But he didn’t. From what you babbled to the medics when Finn was brought in, Ben could have easily ended him off, but instead turned to you. And he could have easily pushed you off the edge of that cliff, but he didn’t-”

“He wanted to teach me.” Rey mumbled the words, biting her tongue when she realised she had actually said them.

“-Exactly.” Leia didn’t miss a beat, and smiled gently at Rey. Her smile was guarded, as if she were keeping something back. “If anything, I’d guess that Snoke wants you dead…Just like he wanted all the other younglings dead. But Ben offered to teach you. An acceptable compromise to a power-mad Sith like Snoke, no doubt.”

Rey was struck dumb.

If what Leia was insinuating-

No.

As convincing as Leia was, Ben would still be Kylo Ren to her. And Kylo Ren was an evil beyond reproach as things currently stood.

At least, that was what she was going to tell herself. In all honesty, Rey just simply _didn’t know_ what was her, and what was the Force, but she was certain there was a difference. There just had to be.

Leia’s comlink beeped wildly, causing both ladies to jump in fright. Both of them got up together, and as Leia answered the com, Rey had a good look around the room for the first time since she had come in.

To put it plainly, Leia’s living quarters were startlingly devoid of any personal belongings. Sure, there were books and some ornamental bits and bobs, but nothing that spoke much of _Leia,_ or her family.

Nothing, that is, except a single small holoframe amidst all the Resistance baubles and gear that lay on the sideboard, underneath the single window the quarters boasted.

Rey’s heart sank.

A family photograph.

Han and Leia, years younger, holding each other and beaming at the camera. Perched in between them was a little boy, no older than four, with wild dark curls and an impossibly large grin. Han was tickling him.

She forcefully swallowed the lump in her throat when she felt Leia re-enter the room, and spun to face the General.

Leia’s eyes flicked from Rey, to the holoframe, and back.

“Everything in this base seems to happen at once,” her voice was strained, “There’s been a development with Finn-” Rey’s heart almost stopped, sinking even lower “-Go to him, Poe will meet you there. After you’ve done everything you can-“ Rey turned from where she had her foot out the door. “-meet me in the data centre where R2 is.”

Rey nodded and fled, sprinting to the medical wing, and fearing the worst.

This was the one thing _the one fracking thing_ that Rey knew would break her every time. She didn’t even bother hiding it, lying to herself about it helped nothing. Rey was petrified of being left alone. Abandoned. Wasn’t _this_ why she had accepted solitary life on Jakku so easily, she thought as she sped past the gawking Resistance troops. Well, that, and the whole potential backstabbing threat helped with the isolation.

When Rey reached the medical wing, it was simply not fast enough, and she burst through the doors, nearly knocking Poe to the floor.

“Whoa-whoa, easy there Rey-“

“What happened?” She clung to his jacket lapels as he steadied her, “What we-“

He clapped a hand over her mouth, “Relax Rey, relax. Finny is just fine-“

Rey pulled away abruptly and glanced over to the bed that held her comatose friend, and found that he was, indeed, stable and ‘fine’. She rounded on Poe with a fury, “Then _what_ was so urgent?”

Poe rolled his eyes before smiling at her affectionately, “He almost woke up, sweets. Not everything is a catastrophe, you know. But the good doctor wants to keep him under for another week at least. His body only just accepted the implants-”

“Quite well, actually,” one of the doctors, a Kaminoan with an open, friendly face interjected, “The best match we’ve seen thus far in the resistance, and I promise you, we’ve had to do a lot of implants. In fact, I’d be truly surprised if he doesn’t recover all his previous functionality.”

Poe grinned at her triumphantly, and she felt herself deflate with relief.

“I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help but think…” She trailed off, looking back at Finn.

Poe pulled her into a tight bear hug and rocked her reassuringly.

Rey couldn’t imagine losing either Finn or Poe, and the thought scared her.

Poe was the leading Resistance fighter pilot, Finn would want to be a ground troop when he woke up.

Rey would kill Kylo if he touched either of them again.

At that, she braced herself for the interpolation she had come to expect from the ma, and it was a reflex she had noticed in herself over the past three days.

But none came.

As it had been the past three days.

When Poe let her go and she absentmindedly watched him move back to Finn’s side and mutter something to the sleeping renegade, it dawned on her.

She had been so incredibly foolish.

 _That_ was what Kylo had meant by her calling him. That moment, that mimesis of awaiting his imminent comment, that _anticipation._ She truly had been calling him all along, simply by holding him in her mind.

Rey left the medical wing in a slightly horrified daze, only vaguely aware of Poe calling her name and following her.

She had been so very foolish.

But still, Kylo was not responding to her. She had told him to leave her alone, and he was actually respecting her wishes.

The thought caused an unusual twisting in her chest that was entirely unwelcome. Even more so, Rey absolutely loathed the empty feeling itching in the back of her head at the absence. This would simply not do, and she would follow Leia’s advice even if only to become powerful enough to forcefully break the bond and scour his signature from her mind.

She walked faster in her state, irate as she was at the softer feelings for the man she only wanted to hate. Poe had to trot beside her to keep up, and even BB-8 hurtling at her feet from wherever he had materialised from couldn’t break her pace.

“Really determined aren’cha, buddy?” He laughed at her, hitting the control pad to let her in.

Rey smiled at him, trying her best to make it genuine over what boiled beneath, “Can’t keep the General waiting.”

He saw right through her, she knew it. But she also knew he’d understand even if it was only partially. Ironic as it was, it took all her new friends with their own experiences together to do what Kylo Ren alone could do. Understand her.

Rey came to rest around the main holo projector, where Leia was standing talking animatedly with a few of the techs from before, and some of her officials, but she couldn’t focus.

_“Star maps...Jedi Temple,”_

_“So close…_

_“Ancient.”_

The words flew around her head, and not a single thing made sense.

She tried, she really did, but Rey was just too tightly wound.

The lights were too bright, the machinery too loud, and the people too close.

Rey was not coping well, and her breath was coming short. She gripped the edge of the console hard, and her knuckles were white with the pressure.

But the people around her carried on talking. No one noticed.

No one noticed, till she felt that familiar fluttering against her mind. Reassuring, soothing.

Then it was gone, as quick as it had come, and Rey was able to gape along with everyone else as all the monitors in the room flickered erratically, and R2-D2 came steaming to the display area, beeping vigorously as he went.

He had the rest of the map, and Rey had some tangible hope to hold onto once more.

She could find Luke.


	7. Undertaking

**_Chapter 7: Undertaking_ **

Rey almost wished she was back in the forests of Takodana running from Kylo Ren when the time to say goodbye came, for surely it was an easier thing to do.

Almost.

BB-8 was ramming into her already-struggling legs begging for attention while Poe was hugging her, causing her knees to shake by leaning his full weight into the embrace.

Leia watched the debacle with an impish grin on her face.

“Must you hang off me like an ornament, Poe?” Rey huffed past her constricted lungs.

“Hey, don’t sell me short. I’m bloody fine jewellery, lady.”

Rey giggled, patting his back as affectionately as she could with her arms pinned to her sides as they were. Mostly, she just ended up swatting at his ribs.

“C’mon Poe, I can barely breathe!” He loosened his arms slightly, and she finally managed to return his hug, resting her chin on his shoulder, “You look after yourself, Dameron. I want everyone still functional when I get back. No more life threatening injuries, okay?”

He held her out with his hands clutching her shoulders and smiled lopsidedly, “Can’t promise anything, bud.”

Chewie called an all-ready from the ramp of the _Falcon,_ and R2-D2 beeped along with him.

Rey chuckled when BB-8 chirped back at them, no doubt telling them to back off. She would miss that little droid.

She turned back to Poe and smiled at him when he let his hands fall, a gloomy expression painting his face. Rey knew immediately what was bothering him.

“Hey, you take care of Finn too, you hear? You give him enough are for the both of us until I get back, or you’ll have to deal with me.”

He mock-saluted, the grin back in place, “Yes ma’am.”

Rey had to steady herself when BB-8 launched himself at her legs again, catching her unawares this time.

“Alright, alright!” She knelt to his level, seeing Leia come a little closer in her peripherals, “You have no manners, and you know that right?” Rey asked teasingly as she lightly rubbed his head-dome. BB-8 twittered unapologetically, snuggling closer against her knees and touch.

Leia muttered something to Poe, and Rey saw his expression brighten.

BB-8’s beeps turned ever so slightly miserable, and Rey laughed. “Yeah, I’m going to miss you to, you little imp. But don’t worry, I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

He peeped in response and skidded back to Poe’s feet when he called.

“Looks like I’ve got a sort little recon mission to keep my usual danger threshold nice and high-“ At Rey’s narrowed eyes he held his hands up in defence, “-Don’t worry, don’t worry. Doc sends her word that Finn won’t be up till at least a day after I get back. This prime diamond’s gotta fly, honey.” Poe pulled her back for one last squeeze, and Rey smacked his chest good-naturedly when he let her go.

“Mmhmm, just so long as ‘prime diamond’ doesn’t get himself pretzeled around a TIE fighter, I’m happy.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it, I’m your best necklace remember? And you’d probably kill me if I left Finny all alone.” He winked at Rey before heading off, BB-8 hot on his heels.

Rey could only shake her head at him, marvelling at the mere existence of a friendship, never mind one _this_ good. Rey had only ever dreamed of such things.

Leia’s delicate laugh pulled her from her thoughts.

“Half the time I don’t know how I dealt with him for the first few weeks. You should have seen him back then. Now, he’s practically tame in comparison.”

Rey snorted, “’Tame?’ Ouch. I can’t imagine having to deal with the equivalent of perpetually-drunk-Poe just as a normal thing.”

Leia smirked, “What, you think he was always the model pilot? He had his cocky phase, and his hotshot phase. He learned humility as the missions became tougher, and more people were lost on missions. As with everyone here, he started at the bottom.”

Rey chewed her bottom lip, frowning slightly at the pilot’s retreating form. It saddened her that nothing ever seemed to be just…Happy. Was there nothing in the galaxy that just _was?_

“Here-” Leia handed her something, and Rey took it without looking. She shuddered when her fingers closed around the familiar tube of _that lightsaber._ “If you’re going to train as a Jedi, you will need a weapon. And Rey, I want to thank you for what you’re about to do.”

Rey turned her eyes back to the General, focusing on the stoic, but friendly, and all too matriarchal face for the battered- but not yet beaten- spirit Rey knew lay beneath.

“I know you have your own reason for needing to find Luke, but I want you to know that I appreciate your decision to help.  You could have left at any time, but you decided otherwise, and you’ll always have a place in the Resistance, whenever you should return with Luke, just-“

“Don’t worry, Leia. I’ll bring him back.”

Leia nodded. She was calmer than in her living quarters, but Rey still sensed alternative intentions lurking beneath the General’s veneer. Though Rey was not yet too accepting of the idea of the Force, and what the Force could do, she couldn’t deny that this _feeling_ had its uses.

Rey sighed. She wasn’t going to let this hang between them any longer.

“Leia, over the past few days-“ How did one phrase this? How did you out a General in a polite fashion? “-When you’ve been telling me about, well, everything. Ben.” She said the name through gritted teeth. “You are hoping that, by training with Luke, I can somehow lure him in?” Rey finished slowly and looked Leia right in her eyes.

Leia took a steadying breath, “To put it in so few words, but, yes. Something like that. Does this anger you?”

Rey faltered, “Not…No. It doesn’t.”

“But it makes you feel used.”

“Slightly, yes. I’m more confused than anything else.” And scared, but Rey wasn’t about to admit that.

Leia tilted her head thoughtfully, speaking almost more to herself than Rey, “He’s taken an interest in you. And you two will meet again-“ This Rey couldn’t deny. If that man had his way, and it seemed like he was used to that, it would definitely happen. “-My want for you is to be prepared. _That_ is why I want you to train with Luke. To be able to defend yourself against a man who is, at this very moment, being pushed far beyond his limits in order to fulfil Snoke’s wishes, which may very well include your death. My _request_ of you, however, is that you don’t kill him when you next meet. Bring him in. I don’t much care if it’s willingly on his part or not, he could be strung up in the cargo hold for all I care, but bring him in. I know it may not be a possibility, but that’s my request.”

It wasn’t an entirely unfeasible one. He was her son, after all. He was all she had left. She was sure Luke would ask the same thing of her, with his Jedi mercy and all. This did not mean Rey had to bring him back all in one piece, just alive.

Rey caught herself just before she felt out the bond again. She would be glad if Luke’s training helped break her of that habit.

“I’ll consider it.”

Leia considered her for a moment, “You’re scared.”

“Perhaps.” Yes.

Her face emptied of everything else and was replaced with a countenance of motherly concern once more, “If it’s the Force you’re scared of, you needn’t worry-“

“It’s not the Force as such, but what the Force can _do_ to a person.” Like your son. “I want to learn, I just don’t want to-“

Leia was shaking her head sternly, obviously understanding exactly what Rey was suggesting. “No. You won’t share the fate of my son.”

How could she be so sure? _How_ could she still be so positive?

The woman took two assured steps towards Rey, and pulled her into her arms, holding her tight in a reassuring embrace that Rey suspected she had come to master over the years.

Rey positively melted into it, comforted by the maternal way Leia had come to treat her in times where her distress became obvious.

When Leia released her, that ever beseeching look was in her eyes once more, “Rey. May the Force be with you.”

Rey nodded firmly, and started walking up the _Falcon’s_ loading ramp.

“Rey!” Leia called out, and when she turned, Rey saw a distinct look of déjà vu on the woman’s face. “Just remember, he’s not a bona-fide Sith. There’s still Light in him, I’m sure of it.” Leia was borderline pleading.

Rey was angry now, “Not a Sith? With all due respect, General, how can you still think him to be _not_ a true Sith?” As for Light still existing within Be- Kylo Ren- Rey was uncertain.

The loading ramp started to close, and Leia shook her head, “Because, as I’ve said, you’re still alive. He should have killed you.” The last of what Leia said was almost drowned out by the ramp, but Rey caught some of it, and it left her in a rooted, staring at the metal of the hatch. “Seems…never been able to…”

Never been able to…What?

_[Little One, I need assistance with take-off.]_

“On my way, Chewie!” Rey called back on reflex, still in two minds over what Leia had just said.

When she sat by the controls, Rey pushed the thought right to the back of her mind, along with the neglected bond.

“All ready, Chewie?” He grunted affirmation. “And you R2?” He beeped excitedly in response.

The take-off was smooth, and Rey let them idle in the atmosphere of D’Qar while she keyed into the navigational map with R2’s help.

“Ahch-To, huh?” Rey remarked, “Sounds about as ancient as these maps Luke used.”

_[As far as we could gather from them, the maps indicate Ahch-To to home the first Jedi Temple in record.]_

Rey almost rolled her eyes. “After what I’ve heard around base, it seems to be a very typical thing of Jedi to do. Go cower away on some mystical planet.”

Chewie growled a series of laughs _, [I would agree with you there, Little One. I have experienced such incidents more than once in my lifetime.]_

Rey looked out of the viewport of the _Millennium Falcon_ onto the marble-like visage of D’Qar below and sighed. No one had any idea what Ahch-To would be like, and Rey was almost physically pained to leave the leafy beauty of the planet behind.

“Well, hit it Chewie. Let’s go.”

_[Three days to Ahch-To, starting now.]_

Rey groaned aloud as the blue of hyperspace enveloped the cockpit.

 _Three days_ in space? She was going to go mad.

The Wookie had the audacity to chortle at her.

_[Go ‘calm’ yourself, Little One. Meditate. Might as well practice, since you caught onto Shyriiwook so naturally.]_

Rey glared at him in indignant shock, “ _You’re_ teasing _me_ now? You big ball of incorrigible fluff!”

 _[Or, you could play holochess against the little trashcan-]_ R2 beeped irately _[-But beware, it cheats.]_

He patted her on the head, effectively shushing her continued nonsensical mumbling.

“Fine, I’ll go meditate,” Rey grumbled.

Chewie nodded dismissively, _[Remember, meditation involves peace of the mind!]_ He called after her.

“Yes, mother!” She yelled back, electing instead to simply fall onto her bunk, the Wookie’s howl of mirth echoing to her compartment.

Then there was quiet.

Far, far too much quiet.

No Resistance troops fooling around, no droids snapping at each other, and no Poe to chime in at the most perfect of times.

Now Rey understood what Leia had meant by ‘noise’.

Now it was just her, the wholly too unobtrusive hum of the ship, and the Force.

And whatever the Force had done to her. No, what _he_ had done to her. She was a prisoner in her own mind, and it made her furious.

Oh frack it all, why not? Rey leapt of her bed and sunk to the ground, imitating that ‘Cobbler’s Pose’ she had seen travellers mimic when telling any Jedi stories.

Peace of the mind, Chewie had said.

So, what, just empty one’s mind? Rey could do that.

After much error, Rey admitted that she truly could not do _that._

Perhaps if she just focused on one thing. One very inane thing, like the engine’s faint baritone purr.

That Rey could do.

But it was so incredibly boring.

Rey fell onto her backside with a huff, stretching her legs out in front of her, and looked at the holoclock.

Seven fracking minutes. Seven.

She banged her head back against the fuselage, and groaned when she used a bit more force than she intended, causing a loud thud to echo down the silent passageways.

 _[That sounds the epitome of peace, Little One.]_ Chewie’s voice followed her crash after several beats of quiet.

“Shush it, Fluffy, I’m trying!”

Rey had absolutely written meditation off as useless and futile. So, she lay on the floor with her head against the wall, and aimlessly shuffled her Pazaak deck, swaying her head back and forth to a strange tune she had undoubtedly heard once upon a time, but couldn’t quite place.

This counted as meditation, right?

It struck her as odd that the bond in her head remained silent, and that was the end of the momentary peace, as Rey once again reprimanded herself for allowing any attention to the tether.

But it stayed mercifully quiet.

Was he _really_ leaving her alone?

Rey knew she hadn’t imagined his presence the other night in the data centre. Or perhaps the nightmares were succeeding in driving her mad. Who knew? Certainly not Rey.

But…If that _had_ been Be- _Him_. He had just calmed her, and left. That was it. No usual pomp or ceremony. No dramatics. He had simply pulled her from the brink of panic, and disappeared again, almost as if he didn’t _want_ her to know he had been present at all.

Rey shook her head. That was absurd. _Kylo Ren_ valued his intimidation and menace. Kylo Ren would never have allowed himself to go unnoticed.

Except…

No. He probably saw that Rey was on the verge of discovering Luke’s whereabouts- as well as her intention to find him- and planned on tracking her down to find them both. This sounded more plausible for Kylo Ren.

Something within her disagreed.

Either way, Rey knew Leia was right, and she was going to have to be very careful in the future. She would just have to be stronger to match him. Rey had tasted his training now, she knew what Leia claimed even before Leia had voiced it. Kylo Ren was a tuned machine bent to Snoke’s every whim, and wilfully performing the tasks. Well, apparently not _all_ the tasks, but Rey suspected this ‘teacher’ offer to simply be another ploy.

After all, that’s what the Sith of legend did, right?

No matter, Rey would become _more._ She would not be scared of Kylo Ren.

The ship gave a harsh lurch, and Chewie called out an apology from the cockpit. Something about a rogue asteroid disrupting the hyperspace stream.

Rey’s heart was beating in her throat from the fright, and while she was adamant she wasn’t scared of Kylo Ren, that didn’t necessarily mean she wasn’t the slightest bit afraid on the whole.

All those simulations she had scavenged really worked as far as teaching you how to fly went, but they didn’t really prepare you for everything that went with it.

Rey considered sleeping, and taking a medicinal pill for a _dreamless_ one, but…Perhaps she would take Chewie’s other advice. But that droid better play fair.

Rey picked herself up, and headed to the main hold.

“Hey, R2?”

His beeps were almost taunting in nature, as if he had been expecting her.

This was going to be a long three days.


	8. Nihilism

**_Chapter 8: Nihilism_ **

Rey wasn’t sure exactly when she fell asleep, but it was somewhere past her fifth shift in the cockpit, and what was most probably her thirtieth holochess match against R2.

He didn’t really _cheat,_ but he was a droid and that was pretty close.

Rey had been awake for forty nine standard hours, despite Chewie’s protests.

Even the droid had shown concern.

Now, however Rey was just not able to keep her eyes open and stave off wretched sleep anymore, nodding off slumped in the lounging chair that wrapped around the table.

She awoke in a bed, the room was dark, and there was a panicked din going on just outside. There Rey got up, and found that the stone-decorated room was very familiar, but couldn’t remember from where, like knowing someone’s face but not their name. The screaming outside sent freezing terror shooting through her, but she could not stop herself from running out the door, and into the ornate stone corridor.

Her heart stopped when she saw a tall, darkly cloaked man at the end of the corridor. There were shadowy figures running around, wailing, and the man cut one of them down as it passed him. Then he turned to her, but she didn’t wait to see his face. She could feel him stalking her down as she ran, and she surprised herself by innately _knowing_ where to run.

There was one word in her mind.

Courtyard.

Rey dodged left and right, avoiding all the other bodies that were flailing around her, with the presence of that haunting figure breathing down her neck. The courtyard’s arch appeared in the distance, and she practically dove through to get out of the constricting tunnels.

Only, she landed on rough, wet gravel, and there was a man jeering at her in some language she did not understand. She tasted blood, and her chest burned. Someone kicked her hard in the ribs, and she sprawled to the side from the force, spitting blood onto the already black with rainwater ground.

There was a flanged durasteel staff lying not far from her outstretched hand. Her staff.

As another more feminine voice joined in the mockery, Rey scrambled the last few inches to the staff, and managed to whip around quick enough to hit the man under the jaw, and send him staggering. It was the same man as before, although his form, too, took on the ethereal quality of black smoke.

Rey clambered to her feet, and dropped into her second-nature defensive stance when the man recovered quickly, lifting his spiked mace in menace.

The woman laughed, and crossed her arms languidly as if anticipating a show. A slaughter.

The man lunged at her, and as his mace came crashing down on her raised staff, the courtyard ground crumbled beneath her, pain lancing across her chest and shoulder again, causing her left arm to go numb. Rey fell through stifling space, dust swirling around her and choking her. As the silt thickened, so she found herself disconcertingly no longer falling, but rising out of a swelling dune the sickly yellow colour she had come to know as Jakku’s wastes.

She heard a little girl cry.

Rey heard _herself_ cry, but has wildly as Rey looked, she could not find her five-or-so year old self, nor could she catch a glimpse of whomever had left her behind. Her family! All she wanted was a peek of her family.

But this was not to be.

Behind her, instead came what she knew from before.

That compellingly familiar voice, masked by the whisper it spoke in, “Stay here, I’ll come back for you.”

Rey whipped about in a frenzy, scouring the horizon for something to latch onto. _Anything._

 _“I’m right here!”_ Rey screamed when her younger self did not speak as before, tearing her throat and falling to her knees, “Right here…Please come back…”

Her dry sobs shook her frame, and again that voice called above the howling desert winds, in a broken baritone that she _knew,_ but could not recognise, “I’ll come back sweetheart, I promise!”

Rey felt her breath coming short, and used the last that she had to scream a bloodcurdling cry despite the burning pain crippling her upper body, “YOU LIED!”

Her voice was carried away by the wind, as was the sand, the dunes, and her.

She tumbled as if through an hourglass, and landed heavily back in another ornate stone corridor.

Rey _hurt._

“REY!”

Kylo Ren?

“ _Rey!_ Get _up!”_ He was panicked. He sounded scared.

But Kylo Ren was never scared?

She obeyed, scraping herself up from the cold floor and nearly collapsing right back down again when she saw all the _blood._ The sanguine fluid ran down her forearms in rivulets, and her legs were scraped.

“Rey, please!”

She looked up in shock, and saw the young man from her first vision after Takodana.

Ben Solo.

No, no she refused that idea.

But nevertheless, she took an unsteady step towards his outstretched arm and wide, frightened eyes.

Dust engulfed her as a resounding crash rocked her back and forth. The passageway was collapsing.

She ran, and Kylo Ren kept calling her on.

Rey stumbled over her own failing limbs, landing up on her hands and knees two thirds of the way to him.

She couldn’t get back up, even though she tried, “ _Help me!”_ Rey called to him frantically, reaching her stronger right arm out to him.

He glanced behind him worriedly, and she could only watch on in fear as he ran as far forward as he could, before narrowly dodging a pillar when it fell and took out the floor in between them.

A piece of masonry clipped Rey’s side, and she involuntarily cried out in pain. Kylo’s face twisted in determination, and he flung his hands out, falling to the floor when Rey was thrown into his arms by his fuelled Force Pull.

 He struggled them both back and over the threshold, and Rey looked up from his chest to see the destroyed enclosure from before. Not the one that she had been aiming to get to, but the one where she had almost been crushed by a man with a mace.

In the moment that they lay tousled on the ground, Rey saw the man again. She saw him strike a small child across their side with that awful weapon. Then, Kylo had pulled her to her feet and yanked her towards the open arch that lead out to dark gardens and forest.

She pulled back, and he threw her a pleading gaze, rain dripping off his troubled features.

“ _Please,_ Rey, just come!”

She couldn’t refuse, he had her hand held fast in his, now clutching his deactivated saber in the other, and dragged her along.

“REN!” An angry male voice called.

“ _Run!”_ Kylo called to her, pulling her along faster as they vaulted over stones, roots, and fallen branches through the forest.

Abruptly, a searing pain blossomed over the back of her head, and she fell to the ground, dazed.

 _“Rey!”_ He ignited his saber, and her vision faded to black.

Rey could smell the rain, and taste her own blood. She heard Kylo shout, and the other man laugh.

And she could only scream as two rough hands gripped her upper arms tight and yanked her upright.

Rey knocked her knees on the underside of the holochess table when Chewie shook her again, grunting and whining at her to console her.

She breathed hard, blinking back the tears that threatened to dribble over the edge. Rey had to admit, that dream had been the most physically painful thus far, and by a stretch the most baffling one. Usually, the dreams that followed the first didn’t feature anything quite so…so… _familiar._ They were in general so confusing and disjointed that it had become a comfort to her to wake up and simply not understand. She found small reprieve in eventually being able to shake the vision because it, and thus function. Rey accepted that.

However, this one caused her to properly hurt, just like Takodana. It had felt so vivid, it had felt so…

She buried herself into Chewie’s pelt, getting lost in his earthen smell and using it to soothe her until the horrible ache went away. R2-D2 droned a sad, low beep, asking if she was alright.

They sat there for a very, very long time, but eventually the pain subsided. What bothered Rey was the dull throb that remained. It was a feeling she could only describe as _yearning_.

Yearning for what? Her family? She knew how that felt.

This was not that.

This was like trying to remember a face she’d never seen, or a person she’d never met, but needing them all the same.

If only Rey could place that voice.

_[Little One, we’re only a few minutes away from Ahch-To, I will need your help to descend. Are you well enough to do so?]_

“Of course, Chewie.” She shook herself slightly when he let her go, if only try dislodge the niggling longing that had no place in her heart.

Rey followed him to the cockpit, and took her place in the co-pilot’s chair.

Chewie huffed slightly, _[Do you, perhaps, want to talk about it, Little One? Maybe I can help.]_

Oh, Chewie, Rey thought. How much effort must that have taken to ask, with all his experience?

She shook her head slightly in response, “Chewie, my friend, thank you. But I don’t think anything short of a more controlled command of the Force will help keep it in check.”

He grunted in reluctant agreement, _[It just pains me to see another of my Little Ones ruined by something they never asked for.]_

Another?

Oh.

Rey’s heart clenched when it clicked that little Ben Solo had probably been Chewbacca’s first ‘Little One’.

He was tensely silent when he pulled them out of hyperspace, and Ahch-To came into view.

The planet was mostly blue and white. Cerulean oceans speckled with islands and thick blankets of cloud cover.

The comlink transmission was static. There was nothing on this planet, save native flora, fauna, and one man.

Chewie sighed, apparently losing the battle he had been fighting, _[You see, Little One. Leia and Han would fight over what to do with young Ben.  They would fight, and Han would leave. Oftentimes, I would not go with him, attached to my Little One as I was. The Princess, she tried, but without Han to help her she often could not cope, and I sat up with my Little One, equally as helpless as his parents. To see it happen again, I only hope that this time Luke will succeed.]_

His growls had faded to nothing by the end of his story, and Rey kept her eyes fixed on Ahch-To to hide her own most likely troubled expression, swallowing away the uncomfortable tightness that had ceased her throat.

Chewie took them in, following R2’s direction to the main temple.

Happily, there was a fjord to an island not far off from the temple where they suspected Luke to be that was feasible for landing.

When Rey stepped off the Falcon’s ramp and onto the soft, pale sand, she was inundated with memories of the white beaches in her dreams, but quickly staved off such thoughts when she realised the water was not as clear, the sand not as blinding, and the sky not as unusually blue. No, this was not the setting of her visions.

The architecture, however, matched the stone masonry from her most recent terror, but these surrounding were entirely unfamiliar to Rey, unlike in her dreams.

R2 left the ship far too zealously, and ended up dome-first in the unstable sand, causing Rey to breathe a tiny giggle. Chewbacca was far less enthusiastic, looking indignantly at the sediment when it stuck to his as he helped R2 back up, turning him light beige in places.

As much as he shook, it would not completely come off.

Rey laughed a little harder at his miserable growl.

[Are you enjoying yourself, Little One?]

“Thoroughly!” She giggled, “Perhaps a dip in the waves will clean it off?”

She had never seen the Wookiee look so offended, and the silliness of it immediately lifted her spirits. As they made their way across the fjord, she could tell Chewie was in a better mood for it too.

_[And how do you propose we find Master Luke on all these little islands?]_

“The Force?”

That caused Chewie to purr a rough laugh.

In all fairness, that’s precisely what Rey ended up doing. She didn’t know exactly how it came about, but she picked up a tremor, and followed it.

All the way to a particularly daunting, crumbling staircase.

_[From here, Little One, you are on your own.]_

She sighed in agreement, setting down her larger pack, and gritting herself for the trip up.

It wasn’t much different from climbing dunes all day long on Jakku, but it still took all Rey’s energy out of her. Her reward came when she reached the top, staring long and hard at the cloaked figure to be sure it was really there.

Luke Skywalker.

Rey could have collapsed in relief, but there was far too much of an overload from the last few hours to do anything but walk towards him.

The myth.

He turned to her slowly, eyes flashing briefly in a recognition that confused Rey. She was sure she could have imagined it, had it not been however, for the intense grief and regret that marred his features for the time thereafter.

Rey unclipped the lightsaber and held it out for him, her expression resolute. When she found her voice, she would speak. Until then, he could surely understand this.

Luke only glanced at the saber before turning his heavy eyes back to her.

Such grief.

Rey cracked under the weight of his gaze, and she could feel her expression morph into one of pleading. Her outstretched hand shook.

They stood like that for an imperceptible span of time, staring each other down. Time took its toll, however, and Rey’s control on her emotions slipped. Luke visibly flinched as he no doubt felt the energy of the past few weeks roll off her at once. He must have felt her desperation, her _need_ for control. He would not have missed the imprint his nephew had burnt into her, even if she still managed to keep the bond under wraps. He could not miss the tears in her eyes.

Luke Skywalker gritted his jaw and slowly nodded once at Rey, catching her when she fell forward, embracing him in bitter relief.

***

Unbeknownst to Rey, half a galaxy away, Kylo Ren lurched awake in a cold sweat, his untreated chest wound stinging from the salt, and the images of their shared terror burned into the front of his mind.

Such incredible guilt overwhelmed him, he felt sure he would break.

Kylo Ren would not allow that to happen.

He needed a release.

Not even bothering to fully dress, he grabbed his saber and stormed out of the scarred chamber in only his standard fatigue trousers, barefoot, and furious.

Kylo Ren burst through the doors of the amphitheatre, causing the nine acolytes therein to cease their practice and stare at him at attention.

He ignited his saber, and Force-shut the doors.

“Someone,” he hissed to the room, “Is going to die tonight. Let’s see who the lucky eight are, shall we.”


	9. Assurance

**_Chapter 9: Assurance_ **

Rey had experienced many tense, foreboding interactions before. Beating down handsy slavers, touching the lightsaber- which still hung heavy in her hands-and running away from a Dark Jedi, to name but a few. However, even she had been surprised by the animosity that crackled off of Chewbacca when he and R2 had arrived at the temple Luke had led her to.

“Chewie-”

The first word he had spoken, and Rey had never heard so much remorse fill a single word before.

It seemed to be this family’s signature. Regret.

 _[Don’t speak to me,]_ Chewbacca growled threateningly, _[You abandoned your family, you abandoned everything when Ben did what he did. As a result you left your sister, your blood, alone to deal with the desertion of her son, and the death of her husband-_ my brother _\- while you sat here on your laurels. You do not speak to me. You are inexcusable. I am_ only _here to ensure the Little One receives everything she came for-]_ His low growl turned mocking _[-May the Force save your miserable soul if she does not.]_

Luke regarded the Wookiee carefully before his expression turned sombre, and he nodded once.

Addressing Rey again he spoke quietly, “I gather Leia has instructed you to return me to her?”

Rey coughed a little to clear her throat when her voice would not come at first, “You’d be correct. Only, I would take you back whether she had asked me or not. She deserves at least that.”

Luke bowed his head ever so slightly, talking almost to himself, “That she does.” He snapped his eyes back up to her, “As far as your own agenda goes...” He trailed off, looking at her with a vague question on his features, but almost as if he were tussling with himself, scared to say what was on the tip of his tongue.

Rey felt a slight disturbance against the now second-nature barriers around her mind, and she narrowed her eyes. Were all Force-Users so insolent and supercilious?

“Rey. My name is Rey, if that’s what you were looking for. And I don’t care who you are or who you think you are, but you will _not_ dig around in my head without my permission-” Luke watched her testy outburst with infuriating patience, but Rey was satisfied to note the surprise that he thinly concealed. “-Congratulations on the effort though, but I’ve already had the First Order’s lapdog scratch around in there, and blocked him out. He was a tad more persistent than you.”

Chewbacca snarled menacingly at Luke, lifting his hackles a little. Rey waved him down.

“I’m sorry, I’m simply confused and was searching for a little clarity-”

Well, Rey thought dryly, aren’t we all.

“-Listen, I would have all of you be as comfortable as possible for your time here on Ahch-To, and I suspect Chewbacca will want to stay on the _Falcon_ , but I must insist that if you truly have come here for instruction- as I sensed earlier- you take one of the chambers in the temple.”

Rey supposed she would have to resign herself to whatever gimmicks Luke would throw at her, if only to have enough room to rebut him later should she need to. Jedi mysticism and tradition she could handle, for now.

“Then how about we talk over what exactly it is I’m here for.”

Luke gestured to the stretch of beach along the side of the temple, dotted with stones of a pathway long since eroded, “Take a walk with me?”

Rey looked to Chewie, who nodded and sat down in the shade cast by the temple, their packs beside him. R2 rolled up next to him.

Luke waited for her to pass before joining her, and when she glanced back, she was cheered to see Chewie take out a small portable holochess board, R2 beeping happily at the revelation.

Luke actually huffed a short laugh when he looked back to see what had Rey so amused.

“As much as they bickered, holochess was more their shared pass-time than anything else.”

Rey listened, but she was looking out over the hazy waters.

They walked in silence for a short time, and Rey was always aware of Luke’s eyes on her as they went. He radiated puzzlement.

He was also the first to break the quiet, ironically enough, “Tell me, Rey, when did you first come to feel the Force?” Luke asked as if he knew the answer.

“When Kylo Ren tried to read my mind, to find the shard of the star map that led to you. He crawled into my mind, I found I had the ability to push him back. It all kind of…cascaded from there.”

She didn’t miss the measure of confusion on Luke’s face. That had not been the answer he was expecting at all.

“Kylo Ren? The ‘lapdog’ you mentioned before?”

Rey stopped dead, staring at Luke, “Kylo Ren, _your nephew_. Ben Solo.”

Comprehension dawned, painful and raw, across Luke’s countenance. “Oh. _That_ Ren.”

At Rey’s frown, he continued, “There were more than one. A whole group of ‘Knights’, Jedi Killers, not necessarily Force Users. They wiped out my academy, with Ben at the helm of that attack. ‘Ren’ was a title their leader wore, but I didn’t even think that Ben- You say he’s taken an alias now?” He twisted his lips grimly, “Fitting, I suppose. Tradition for darksiders.”

Rey was struggling to comprehend this, “You’re telling me you’ve spent, what? Fourteen, fifteen years out here in blissful ignorance of the fact that your nephew is the terrorising muscle of the First Order?”

“Not _ignorance_ , no. I suspected something like that may be happening but-“

“But you what?” Rey was incredulous, “You didn’t get a ‘disturbance’ in the Force or something? You know, like whenever he commits mass homicide of an innocent village or whatever strikes his fancy for the day.”

Luke cringed, his face puckering, “No, I didn’t. I cut myself off, Rey.”

He sighed at her expectant silence. “I was meant to die in that attack, but for some reason, they left without hunting me down like I thought they would. Instead, I was forced to walk through the slain bodies of my pupils. Whether this was a mere sadistic game on their part, or if something more pressing came up, I can only throw conjecture, but I knew I had to disappear if the Jedi way was to have any chance at survival-“

Luke studied her with a stormy expression, “-And here you are. A willing Force Sensitive, positively overflowing with the need to get back at my wayward nephew. Can’t say I’m all too thrilled with the motive-“

“I do _not_ want to ‘get back’ at him!” How dare this man. “I want to _defend_ myself against him! And if what everyone says is true, I’m going to have to be a sight stronger if I wish to have a hope in hell.”

“And yet,” still he remained calm despite her fire, “you managed to fend off his mental assault. Speaking of which, why look for the map in your memory? Why not pursue the actual _map_?” That bafflement from before was back.

Rey snorted, “General Leia asked the self-same question. Firstly, I don’t know. I really don’t, because he only found out about my Force Sensitivity when _I_ did, and only offered to teach me thereafter so that could not have been the motive-“ Luke’s eyes widened at that, and he made to speak but she carried on. “Secondly, why in the world did you make a map to start off with, if you were so _damn_ determined to be isolated from everything- including your very big list of consequences-?”

“I didn’t make the map.”

That made Rey fall silent.

“I didn’t make the map, but R2 must have found records of what I was planning before I deactivated him, and logged a portion of it somehow. Who had it in the first place?”

Rey would have to congratulate the droid for his underhandedness later. As snarky as he was, he was pretty resourceful.

She ignored his question, rage flaring at what he had said, “You _didn’t make the map?_ As in, you were just going to _sit_ here indefinitely till you _felt_ like coming back?”

He didn’t respond.

Rey took a moment to calm herself before deciding to answer him after all, exhaling heavily as she did. “According to what I’ve heard, an elderly friend of Leia’s who lived on Jakku, where I come from.”

“Lor San Tekka, that old kath, of course,” he muttered to himself, “He was probably one of the first to seek the academy out after that night, and if any man was able to sniff out whatever R2 saved, it would be him. No doubt he scuttled off to Jakku to compare it to his maps. He helped my find archives to aid my teaching you know-”

He cut of abruptly, looking at Rey anew, “You say you _come_ from Jakku?” He seemed unconvinced, as if he were hearing something he knew to be a falsehood.

“Well, I was left at the Niima outpost by my family when I was about five, so I guess it counts.”

Luke frowned, but relented, “I can’t imagine what you must have gone through. It is curious the Force didn’t manifest in any palpable way before you encountered Ben, as I am sure there must have been many situations where you would have been rather desperate, or fighting for your life. Jakku is one of the unkindest places I know, and I should, I grew up on Tatooine.”

Rey chuckled at his disgruntled tone, “Two barren rockballs in the sky, huh?”

He smiled ever so faintly, still heavily disturbed by...something. Rey didn’t know.

They carried on walking, and the azure sky began to bleed red as the sun began to dip below the horizon.

“Down to business then, I suppose, before we run out of daylight to decide. I accept that you’re going to take me to D’Qar-that is where the base still is, correct?” He continued at her nod, “You’re going to complete that mission, I assure you, but the two of us are first going to have to decide exactly how far we take your training here before we venture into greater space again.

You see, I have spent a great deal of meditation and effort on manipulating the Force as to hide the presence of any Force Sensitive on this planet. We keep our anonymity so long as we stay. The second we leave- _I_ leave- the effect is broken. Take that into consideration before you tie me up and deliver me to my sister like a parcel-“

This news about the Force blocking excited her. Rey could use this! This sounded like what she needed, but on a single person scale. Rey was about to interrupt, but he stopped her.

“-Not that I don’t deserve it, don’t misunderstand me. I do. I deserve every ounce of her wrath when next I see her, and I won’t be running away thereafter. Whatever my fate, I’ll accept it. I just want to be sure that _you_ will be well equipped enough to leave the safety net of Ahch-To and _survive_ a battle with any Jedi Killer on the very next planet you land on. Do you understand?”

“Yes…Master?” She smiled tentatively, quelling the unbidden nervous butterflies in her gut.

Luke nodded at her, “Good. First off, before we get to basic training, or Classing, or any of the other beginners training, I need to know what _you_ want to leave this planet knowing. What skill did you come here aiming to learn?”

Rey gulped hard. How did she put this without betraying her secret?

He waited patiently while she struggled with her words.

“I, uh, I’ve been having these…Dreams. Force terrors, apparently.” She rubbed her eyes, trying desperately to phrase this _right,_ “They only really started after, uh, _Ben_ had a good look in my head. See, I had a vision on Takodana when I found this,” she gestured to the sabre, carefully watching Luke as he nodded amenably, a look of concentration plastered on his face, “-It didn’t really-I don’t know it just seemed like something so foreign at the time but as the nightmares started it just got worse and worse, and more recognisable but not till-“

“Rey!” He stopped her babbling, not harshly, but firmly, “Breathe. Take measured breaths, focus on them. Calm yourself.

She did as he asked, and received small relief. Small, but it was there

“I need to know how to block them, or at least reduce their occurrence, and I-“ Rey inhaled shakily, “-I need to know how to block people more thoroughly.”

Luke saw straight through her rushed final words.

“You mean, block _Ben_ more thoroughly, don’t you.”

“Yes.”

They were nearing the temple, and Luke stopped walking. The sky was a deep indigo.

“Rey, what exactly did he do to you?”

She shrugged, and tried to be as convincing as she could, “He scared me with what he could do,“ Well, it wasn’t a lie, “and it took so much effort to push him out the first time...I had to use a side of me- I just want to be sure that I can keep him out, no matter the circumstances or how powerful he gets.”

“Hmm. Very well.” Luke looked troubled, “I myself have never been the strongest with mind tricks and the more psyche-based effects of the Force. That was more my mentor’s sphere of expertise. However, I have adequate information, training programs, and knowledge of the Force myself to get you well on your way. Seeing as your first use of the Force happened to be a mind trick in itself, I have a feeling you’ll have no problem in adapting what I can show you to the practice in question.”

Rey smiled at him and nodded, satisfied with the answer, and a curious question bubbled to her lips. “Who was your mentor?”

Luke looked vaguely panicked for a moment, before a nostalgic expression set in, “Another old Jedi who exiled himself,” he said with some teasing pleasure, “Ben Kenobi.”

Rey raised her eyebrows, “Another Ben, hey?”

Luke chuckled, and Rey could have sworn he sounded a tad _relieved._ There was honestly no end to the oddity that was Luke Skywalker, but she pushed all that suspicious confusion out of her thoughts, and followed him as he started walking again.

“My nephew was named after him, actually. Ben Kenobi was the Jedi who helped myself and Han rescue Leia from the first Death Star,” he smiled rather wistfully, his voice fading slightly, “It truly has been a lifetime ago.”

Rey felt eager anticipation bubble in her chest again. It was the same delight she had always felt when travellers talked about the legends, especially in her younger years. Hearing it from Luke himself sparked that wistful glee Rey had used to fuel her fantasies of faraway places if only to make it through another day.

She happily followed Luke into the temple, and was greeted by a much calmer Chewbacca who informed her he would be staying in the temple with her.

Luke showed her a room, and as she walked in and took a slow turn, it echoed ever so faintly of her most recent terror.

Not the same, no.

But so very similar. She was relieved to see her trusty pack sitting on the foot of her bed, reminding her of the commitment she had made.

Rey turned to speak to Luke, but he was gone.

Rather suddenly, the halls seemed far more intimidating, and the sky outside seemed stormy rather than tranquil.

But Rey still felt sure in her choice. This was something she had to do, she was eager to begin, and she was going to see it through.

She just had to make it through the night.


	10. Design

**_Chapter 10: Design_ **

Rey was rather startled in the morning to find that she had spent the night without incident. In fact, she had even gotten a decent sleep. How this came about, she wasn’t sure, all she remembered was feeling oddly _heavy_ , as if being forced back into the bed. She had blacked out the moment her head had hit the pillow. Mercilessly, there were no dreams. As she made her way down the hall to find Luke, she may have started to suspect the Force ‘vacuum’ he had created had something to do with it. Or perhaps Rey was truly just _that_ exhausted.

No matter. Before sleep had claimed her last night, Rey had come to the realisation that she honestly _did_ want to learn to master this new part of her. She guessed it might have been the overwhelming serenity of the planet, but _something_ had helped her reach a state of mind that she never thought she’d feel. Rey felt hope, and promise in her future, and she wanted to make sure she got the most out of her training with Luke as she could. She had her doubts, what with the stories citing Luke’s lack of a steady teacher, but she was confident it would work out. It simply had to.

_“You need a teacher.”_

Rey promptly kicked the memory from her mind. Sure, she needed a teacher. But that teacher would be Luke Skywalker.

All this didn’t mean she was entirely happy with the situation she was in with the Force, but it had come to a point where that scruple only made Rey more determined to learn its ways.

It was a part of her now, essentially a new muscle. She would control it just as well as she could make her feet walk.

“Did you have a pleasant night?” Luke’s voice brought her and her thoughts to a screeching halt. He stood in an arch to her right, and beyond him she could see what would have been a training ground. A truly beautiful, and tranquil training ground, open to the blue sky with the temple built around it.

She nodded, unable to hide her excited smile, “I did! No Force dreams.” No other dreams either but she elected to omit this.

Luke stood to the side and gestured for her to come into the enclosure.

“That’s good. But I won’t lie to you, Force dreams don’t come every night nor do they stay away once they start to dwindle. You have to deal with the root of the problem to sate them completely.”

“Yes, Lu- Master.” Rey was sure she looked thoroughly perturbed at that revelation, not that she thought for even one second that the terrors would go away completely, but his confirmation stung.

Luke barked a hoarse laugh, “Really, Rey, you don’t absolutely need to call me Master.”

Rey shrugged and walked into the cleared area. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun on her skin as it filtered through the single, gigantic tree that was planted in the centre of the circular courtyard. The interior of the temple itself was so incredibly different to the islands. There were hanging vines, moss. There was green.

“But you are now, right?” She asked, turning to him and propping her staff on the grass.

“I suppose so-“

“So I’ll call you Master. If I’m going to do this at all, I want to do this right. I’m not going to ‘maybe’ or ‘try’, I’m going to fracking _do it._ Leia was right. I can’t resign myself to a life of not managing this side of me.”

Luke followed her into the clearing, and set his cloak on a stone bench. She noticed he wore his lightsaber on his belt. Then, he laughed. He laughed till his eyes threatened to stream. He laughed like he had seen this all before.

Rey watched him with vague concern.

“Um. Master Luke?”

He waved his gloved hand at her, using his bare one to wipe his eyes as he continued to chortle.

Rey shifted her hold on her staff nervously, leaning on it as she waited for Luke to reach the end of his mirth.

Gradually, his laughs slacked off till he was only gasping for lost breath.

“Ah, Rey,” he huffed, a twinkle of nostalgic optimism in his eye, “You’ll do just fine.”

She raised a brow, “Master?”

Luke shook his head, “You just-you reminded me of something someone once said to me. ‘Do or do not’-“ It sounded so familiar to Rey. He chuckled again, but his eyes were haunted now. “-At the time, I was more of a ‘try’ person. I have a feeling that you, Rey, you’re going to manage yourself well.”

A gentle breeze caressed her cheek, and Rey noticed Chewbacca leaning in the archway, just watching.

“So,” she said slowly, “Where do we even start? How did you manage to teach younglings when you yourself, according to the stories, only learnt from two Jedi?”

Luke raised his eyebrows thoughtfully, “Hmm. Well, what you say is partially true, I only learnt from two Jedi Masters. As the years went, a Dathomirian woman found me, and offered to help with Force use in the hopes of creating an enclave where she could bring young ones from her own people, as refuge from the Dark. Her kind are innately drawn to the Force, you see, but the planet’s own energies pull them to the Dark and warp them over time. Gradually, I pulled together a rather patchwork group of similar people who were able to teach different skills in mastery.

“As far as physical fighting goes, I didn’t much care if the people were Force Users or not. In the galaxy, there are many villages- much like the one that Tekka lived in- who followed the teachings of Jedi yet were not Force Sensitive at all. Such people still practised the traditional lightsaber forms and techniques, and there were many among them who were eager to impart their knowledge to the new Jedi-“

Rey was listening intently, amazed that Luke had even managed, with so little left over of the Jedi, as he had.

“-And of course, there were the holocrons we found on trips to other enclave and temple ruins. Such was how I learnt. Rey, I will be able to teach you lightsaber forms, and most Force abilities. I will be able to teach you how to meditate, and I will be able to guide you. But as I have said before-“

“-The mind tricks are my own exploration.” She felt out the bond rather helplessly, unable to prevent the second-hand act. It was cold. Dead.

But it was still most definitely there, only it felt different. Instead of the wall being her own, it was something else entirely. It should have been comforting to Rey, but the stillness unnerved her instead.

“-Correct.”

Rey took a deep breath, “And I suppose there are no holocrons for that?”

Luke smiled sadly, “Not here, no. We will have to hunt those down. But this does not mean you won’t be able to train yourself. Meditation had many, many uses.”

The idea that Rey would suddenly _know_ what to do just by ‘meditating’ was strange.

But then again, that’s how she had beaten Kylo Ren, right?

The thought didn’t sound so outlandish now.

“Usually, apprentices would start with meditation methods, then swordsmanship, Force control, and such skills. This was basic training. Thereafter, they would pick a ‘Class’-so to speak- a path within the Jedi arts themselves depending where they wished to focus. This was also when an apprentice would receive a Master, or mentor in my academy’s case for lack of Masters, as well as the chance to craft their own saber.”

Rey’s eyes were wide with the daunting sound of what she feared would be several years’ worth of itinerary.

But Luke chuckled, “ _Usually,_ Rey. Don’t look so shell shocked. We hardly have time for all that. You already know how to fight, I can feel that within you. It’s raw, but it’s there. The same as your Force control. You know how it feels, you just need to channel it. The apprentices I use as examples were little ones, most four years of age, who still had to learn what the word “combat” actually meant.”

He regarded her for a moment, then unhooked his lightsaber and ignited it. The energy blade was a brilliant green.

She looked at him in utter confusion.

“Well, come on then, let’s see just where we should pick up in your ‘control.’”

“H-How-?”

“Something I learnt from an Echani-inspired Force holocron. You can tell an awful lot about someone’s handle on themselves in combat.”

Rey hesitantly reached for Luke’s old saber at her hip, ready to put her staff away. Her hand stopped mid-reach when Luke spoke again. Chewie had seated himself at a nearby table with R2 next to him. Both were watching with great interest.

“Oh no, Rey, not that weapon.” He gave his saber an experimental twirl.

She slowly moved her outstretched hand till it was hovering over the middle of her staff, looking at Luke like he was speaking Huttese.

He nodded approvingly.

“But-Your saber will cut this clean in half.” Rey picked up the weapon and held it at the ready.

In a flash, Luke jumped at her and she raised the notched weapon reflexively.

Rey closed her eyes as the green came down overhead.

Only to open them in pure astonishment as the staff held its own.

Luke was smirking, “I know cortosis-weave durasteel when I see it.” He stepped back.

Rey was staring at the staff in her hands in suspicious awe, “Cortosis-what? I’ve heard of a cortosis core before but…”

“Cortosis-woven metals were used to make melee that could withstand lightsaber blows. I’m rather impressed you’ve come across a staff like that, it’s a rare find. If you don’t mind me asking-” he fell into an attack stance, sizing her up for another lunge.

“I-I can’t actually remember where I got it. I mean, I lived on Jak-“ Rey had to fall to the ground as Luke swiped across, and quickly regained her footing to be able to parry his backhanded jab. “-Jakku.  Perhaps it was in one of those Empire destroyers.”

“Perhaps.”

Luke did not sound convinced. He sounded like he was humouring her.

They fell into easy silence, and the jousting nature of their combat continued for a few hours.  Rey was chagrined to see that, at some point, Chewbacca had even fetched himself snacks to continue watching in comfort.

When Rey would falter, Luke would deactivate his saber before it hit her. In admiration, she asked him how he managed to get his timing so right as to not burn her at all. He just smiled and say ‘The Force.’

They continued to spar.

When Luke left himself open to attack, he did not use the Force to prevent himself being hit by her staff, and when she asked him why, he responded in that same impossibly calm voice ‘I need to taste your ability, you don’t need to experience mine.’

The matches were measured and slow paced, but when the attacks happened they were precise and fast. Rey would be lying if she said she wouldn’t have preferred more chaotic scrapping, but she would also be lying if she said she wasn’t slightly intimidated by Luke’s steady control of the lightsaber. Ben- His nephew- _Kylo Ren_ had not learnt his technique from this man, and if he had, it was buried deep below the layers of something far more brash and devastating. Rey was simply infuriated that she had fallen into the trap of calling him _Ben_ in the first place. Luke would notice her change in posture as the thoughts cropped up, and called her back to focus. She was thankful for that.

As much as Luke prevented himself from nicking her with his lightsaber, Rey thought she would prefer a few burns to actually teach herself to dodge better. Luke felt that in their fight, and told her what they were doing was not ‘training’, but testing. The training would start the next morning.

Even for ‘testing’, Rey was out of breath when dusk drew near, and Luke deactivated his saber.

“Well, Rey, I think that cleared up quite a lot.”

One look at his face told the very exhausted Rey that Luke was only halfway serious in this statement.

“Oh, indeed?” she asked with the barest veneer of sarcasm, “I learnt that, should this have been a real fight, I would have been decapitated several times and had my legs amputated only thirteen times more. Gonna tell me what you divined?” She took a sip of water from the flask Chewie provided and raised an eyebrow cheekily at Luke, “Or are we going to go the cryptic Old-Republic-Jedi path?”

Luke huffed a soft laugh, “I learnt that my old lightsaber will not benefit you in any way. You are an adept at two-handed weaponry, and it would be nothing short of self-sabotage to have you wield anything other than a double-bladed saber.”

Rey offered him a surprised look, unable to answer with her mouth filled with water, and trying to prevent herself from spluttering.

This did not bother Luke, “Additionally, I think you would be best suited to be a Jedi Sentinel. A jack-of-all-trades, as it were, including non-Jedi skills. As a pose to the Guardian who focusses more on combat, and the Consular who relies heavily on the Force, you strike me as a very, uh, _balanced,_ or mixed, soul. Sentinels often blended ‘real-world’ abilities with their command of the Force and their fighting. True rogues, you could say.“ He finished with a smile.

This was a lot for Rey to process, and Luke could tell.

He left her in the courtyard without a word, scurrying off in a swirl of robes.

Rey did not have long to stand in bewilderment before he returned, a holocron in his hands, and handed it to her.

“Here, read this. It’s an archive that outlines fully the traditional roles of the three branches. I know you want something tangible within your training. Some kind of direction. It is not necessary in this era for there to be castes of Jedi as such, but I feel as if it will help you find the purpose you seek.”

Rey ran her hands over the smooth holocron, jumping slightly when she accidentally activated it.

“Thank you.”

Luke nodded, “Join me for supper first though, I’m sure you’re starving.”

She followed him with a smile, and nervous excitement in her heart. Rey was elated further to see Chewie and R2 already inside by the table where they would undoubtedly eat.

Rey felt her chest swell with an impossible hope that she may actually be able to do this.

***

Kylo Ren was sitting in his chambers alone, prodding the bond that he had so carefully spent blocking since last night.

Last night.

He had been so weak.

At least the girl had not noticed.

At least _now_ he was able to form a block by himself.

He took a deep breath, wincing as pain lanced through his left shoulder again. The wound caused by Snoke was festering, but still, Kylo Ren would not treat it. He had received an order, and he knew it was for his own eventual strength.

He had received many injuries during his training, and tomorrow’s planned bout would be no different. This time alone was spent mentally preparing for the carnage that he would have to wreak, and the savage beating he would have to endure.

It would make him stronger.

It had to.

 


	11. Proximity

**_Chapter 11: Proximity_ **

Rey greeted the first training day of many weeks to come with eager energy and healthy apprehension. She had full trust in Luke, and believed he would prove to be the teacher she needed. The data he had given her to read had only set her interest to concrete goal.

Rey would be a Sentinel. She was a scavenger by nature, and would prove to be just as efficient a reclamation Jedi. Sentinels were the ground troops and the infiltrators. They were the blank faces and the voices in your head. They were the smugglers and the politicians. And most importantly, they were the balance. Rey needed this balance beyond all else, and she was adamant in this pursuit.

Luke noticed her fuelled stride and acknowledged her decision.

He was happy that she had found something to fan the flames of her intent other than the emotion she felt towards his nephew. Rey was inclined to agree with him, but this did not diminish her disposition towards the darksiders in question in the slightest.

Then Luke surprised her again by taking his old lightsaber from her, and buttoning it up in a leather wrap. He insisted she use her staff instead, and Rey happily complied, still weary of the saber. The fact that he preferred she be more in practice with a double-handed weapon was just a convenient agreement to fall back on.

But Luke was not _so_ easily satisfied. He warned her that while she would start preliminary training with the staff, soon she would move onto a double-bladed warsword to practice with blades that could actually hurt the handler. And she would not stop there. No, she would also become proficient in one-handed and dual-wielding, but she would start with what she was used to.

At her slightly nervous expression, Luke cited his promise to not let her leave unprepared, and she had to begrudgingly agree.

Then, they set to work. Luke outfitted Rey with some jury-rigged energy shields should his timing be off, and made sure they were fully operational. They picked a spot in the training yard, and that was the end of all preparation.

Rey did not quite know what to expect of training, but Luke just kept astonishing her. He did not grab her hands and put them in the correct hold, nor did he slowly step her through the lightsaber forms. Oh no, he fought her, and when she would fumble, he would correct her posture and poise as it happened.

When Rey could not quite get herself in position for an adequate block, Luke would tell her how to alter her footing to better whip back, her staff now easily following the lines of her motion. Thus he cited the Shii-Cho method, oldest of the forms, as well as Soresu. Adapted, naturally, to fit her use of a staff.

She struggled to get it right, often losing her balance and falling to the ground, but Luke was a patient Master. Even when Rey wordlessly yelled at herself in frustration, all Luke did was pluck her staff from her hands and sit her down along with him on the grass. Then he would try lead her through meditation. Rey was ashamed to admit her mind kept being drawn to her seeming ineptitude, but Luke would assure her it was only normal to struggle at first.

Rey took comfort in his words, but somehow she was sure Kylo Ren did not struggle as she did with simple footwork when he began. She would need to focus, she would need to calm herself. Luke only allowed them to start up combat again once Rey was unruffled once more.

This time, he spoke more to her, and introduced elements of the Ataru style, aiding with the acrobatic nature required for the double-blade.

Yes, Rey faltered a lot, but with this hybridised form she could _feel_ the difference and knew that, finally she was falling into step. Oh, she made many mistakes, but never once did Luke get frustrated, and the shields remained unused. He never failed in his timing.

But as good as he was, Rey could not shake the feeling that something was missing. There was _something_ she craved in his instruction that simply was not there. She could not figure out what it was, but she knew for certain that Luke’s training was much preferable to whatever Kylo Ren must have had planned for her.

***

The man in question had begun his day in a similar fashion, striding confidently towards the amphitheatre where his Master’s latest challenge waited, but there was no enthusiasm in his heart. Only an all-consuming determination to become _better,_ no matter the cost.

The sky beyond the arches of the walkway he crossed was black, and beyond that scarred with flashes of sickly green. It was not dark with night, as one would expect, but with noxious clouds and fire lit atmosphere caused by the cracked and tortured planet below. Kylo Ren did not know which planet it was. He never knew. But it most certainly reminded him of the Malachor V of legend, where the planet was ripped so as show its awful core and thus taint the skies.

As with the legend of Malachor, it was a planet of Darkness, practically pulsing with the chaotic energy of being torn to the wick.

He hurt along with the planet, but Kylo Ren did not so much as wince any longer as his chest wound periodically wept blood, the pain now a constant presence. As with all injury, he welcomed it. Without pain, there would be peace.

And peace was a lie.

There was only passion.

Strength. Victory.

Kylo Ren recited the code with every breath he took, his mind only wandering from it when he prodded his haphazard mental block.

It sickened him.

Oh, it appalled him that Rey’s reach extended so far as to distract him from what was important at hand.

And the block itself? Well, that was simply pathetic.

It was about as much of a deterrent as a ‘Keep Out’ sign to a thief, and just as ineffective. But he hoped in vain that it would be enough to keep Rey out of his mind, and hesitant to call on him. He only prayed to whomever would care to listen that she had not noticed him the other night, seeing her panic, and reacting in a way that would disgrace him in the sight of his Master.

Such weakness.

Kylo Ren ignited his erratic saber before he so much as crossed the threshold of the amphitheatre. And what a good thing it was, for there were easily over twenty Elite acolytes of Snoke’s dotted around the room, and three of them rushed him as he entered.

He cut them down with ease, decapitating the third, and hungrily regarding the others as they readied their weapons, completely unfazed by their comrade’s head rolling across the floor.

There were no friends here.

Never friends. Only a means to an end. In all honesty, it made him ache for something long lost. But he had made his choice, and though his father’s murder had not born the desired effect, he would continue to cut down any fodder his Master sent to him till there was nothing of his soul left to bare the persistent Light.

He never knew how these combat sessions would go, only that amphitheatre fights were restricted to weapons alone. No Force. He never knew what these faceless minions’ orders were. All Kylo Ren knew was that he had to survive his time on whatever planet he wound up on. Sometimes he would be attacked in his sleep, other times his food would be poisoned. Each time he was pushed to his limits to survive, and this time would be no different. And Snoke had been truthful. Kylo Ren had become stronger with every Dark planet he survived. Only, not enough. He still felt that unbearable _call._

An acolyte nicked him across the back in his distraction. Kylo Ren carved the man clean in halve across the middle.

The Elite troops advanced relentlessly, dodging and dancing around him, and targeting every lapse in defence they saw.

As time progressed, they landed more hits.

Kylo’s concentration was slipping, and he was very aware of the cause.

That obstinate call of the Light, and it took the form of _her._

He increased his ferocity tenfold as red coloured his vision. He hacked the victim of his loathing-filled wrath to excessive pieces, the acolyte having died on the first blow.

Rey.

He had snuffed out his father’s life with surprising ease once he had mustered the resolution to get there. Could he ever do that to Rey?

He knew the answer, even as he obliterated the rest of the acolytes in anger, in futile hopes that his heart would change.

Kylo Ren left the amphitheatre mostly as he expected he would. His feet dragged on the way back to his chambers, and he knew he left a massacre behind him.

Tomorrow, he would do it all again with new parameters set out for the acolytes. New parameters he would, again, not know.

He was tired, he was battered, and sleep called to him as a siren’s song.

But Kylo Ren would not sleep tonight.

He would not allow himself to let his guard down.

He convinced himself it was for the acolytes. He knew better.

And so two weeks passed. Two weeks and Kylo Ren’s chest wound started to bind together.

Two weeks, and Kylo Ren kept tearing it open again every time he thought of _her._ And how _she_ was no doubt training with Luke at this very moment.

Stagnating, he scoffed to himself. Stagnating under Luke’s eternally tranquil hand.

He did not feel jealousy. Not at all.

He tore his wound open again, and Force-crushed a nearby acolyte in the throes of his bitter fury.

The other soldiers simply watched their now seemingly-boneless brother in arms fall limply to the floor, and then continued to wait for the next session.

He hated them and their cold veneer. He hated their detached manner. He hated that they were everything that _he_ should be, and they did not even have the gift of the Force.

Two weeks, and Kylo Ren struggled to old his composure when his Master called an audience with him.

“So the girl has found Master Skywalker, it would appear.” Snoke did not sound angry. Snoke did not sound anything, in fact. It riled Kylo.

He knew this from her panic stricken night. He had not told his Master.

“This is no surprise to you.” And it seemed his Master could see it.

Kylo Ren offered a single, strained nod.

“Twice now, you have let her slip through your fingers. Twice now, you have failed to deal with your old master. Let your every breath be proof enough that I see potential in you, boy. Your continued existence is a most generous gift from me in the face of your impotence.”

Kylo Ren stared straight ahead, fighting far too hard against his own temptation to brush the bond just once more.

He knew it was madness. She was everything that was poisoning him, and he had done it all to himself, even back all those years ago.

Could he ever reach that point, that precipice, where he could extinguish her life just like he had his father’s?

He would do his best to turn her first. The Dark would benefit much from her allegiance and untapped power.

He would help her see.

And if she could not-

“You will follow her when next you catch even a vague hint of her, Ren. You will follow her and complete your mission. I will not have Luke Skywalker breathing for much longer. There is much the First Order has yet to do to target the Resistance, but you will not join them after your time here. You will _find_ that wretched girl and kill her would-be master-”

Snoke’s eyes flashed with a mix of anger and…fear?

“-And you will bring that girl before me. Alive.” The manner in which his Master said ‘alive’ made it sound like the grand meeting in question would be the last time Rey would be so.

Snoke did not wait for an answer. He did not need to.

Kylo Ren was a servant of the dark, and he would obey his Master.

Even if it meant her eventual murder by his traitorous hands.

Rey.

He had brought it on himself.

Kylo Ren felt nothing as two newer Knights of Ren stepped from the shadows, and he activated his saber once more. After all, bloodletting was an old friend. His only quarrel was that his control over the bond barrier was crumbling.

As he fought, so his hold slipped.

He needed to find strength.

***

Two weeks, Rey grunted to herself as she battled with Luke once more.

Two weeks and she was exceptionally proud of her progress. Luke even more so.

Rey had gotten the hang of both Shii-Cho and Soresu, _and_ she was fighting with a cortosis-weave warsword. Sure, she bore a few new scars from accidentally having cut herself while sparring, but Luke had quickly followed those accidents up with a new kind of meditation that fascinated Rey.

He had taught her how to introspectively follow her own body’s presence in the Force. She had begun to clearly sense every muscle, every organ, and deeper still every fibre, nerve, and blood cell.

Then he had taught her how to heal any damage done to them, resulting in unusually muted silvery scars that did not hint at all to the deep gash that might have been there before.

Astonishingly, she had grasped the concept rather quickly with his guidance, and for once, his peaceful manner had not bothered her.

That, however, was the only time when his disposition did not drive her insane.

Luke still did not so much as graze her in battle, even now while he was introducing elements of Niman to her- a form based on double-bladed’s attack-centric nature if she remembered her readings correctly- not once did he activate the energy shields even though she practically fell into his saber a number of times. It incensed her.

Rey growled at the thought, an in frustration, she spun her warsword across her body. Luke yelped out in shock as he was knocked back off his feet and flung rather unceremoniously to the other side of the courtyard.

Chewbacca applauded.

Rey shot the Wookiee a dirty look, but he continued unapologetically while she pulled herself out of shock and ran to Luke’s aid.

To her surprise, he was grinning at her as she helped him up.

“Well _done_ Rey! While I don’t entirely approve of frustration being used to fuel your discovery and understanding of the Niman form,” he did not sound as disapproving as he made out, “I am very pleased that you have come to this point so quickly!”

Rey was confused.

“But, the Force-?”

“Rey, Niman is a style that incorporates use of the Force along with the fighting form, as it helps balance out the heft of the blade to deliver swift blows-“ Rey rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. She would have to pay more attention to those holocrons, and not read them as she was nodding off. “- now I know we’ve only just been focusing on swordsmanship in combat thus far, but you used the Force in such harmony with your movements, I think you’re ready for us to advance to combining it with all your forms.”

Luke continued talking excitedly, and it was catching.

Once Rey had recovered from the shock of just how _naturally_ that burst of movement had come, she wondered if combining emotion with her abilities was really all that bad. If anything, it seemed to make it more natural and easy.

She jerked her attention back to Luke as he re-ignited his lightsaber, and gestured for her to attack first again. She held her own rather well this time around, but gradually felt herself become more and more fatigued.

Rey became genuinely alarmed when her entire body began to ache in gradually-increasing intensity.

It started slowly, then fire burned through her veins all at once, and her head split in agony as she fell to the floor with a scream.

Rey vaguely heard Luke call out her name, and those might have been Chewie’s paws trying to wrench her hands from her head where they were clawed.

White hot pain seared through her left shoulder, and darkness clouded her vision.

The onslaught proved far too much, and Rey collapsed in the once-quiet courtyard.

***

Kylo Ren was kneeling on the floor, his fingers dripping with thick blood after having torn his wound open afresh, and dug in deep. He had needed strength. His hold on the block in his mind had slipped away completely, and the Knight that was left was rather capable. So, Kylo Ren had sought for strength the only way he knew how.

Now, two mauled bodies lay before him as viscous crimson soaked his robes, seeping over his chest.

It was not lost on Kylo Ren that the pain lancing through his head was not only his own.

He could not bring himself to scratch into the gaping gouge again to quell the guilt rising in his chest, and tasting of bile.


	12. Episteme

**_Chapter 12: Episteme_ **

Kylo Ren was distressed, and it was not his typical troubled demeanour that caused him to be so today. The incident two nights back had made him look at the bond in a different way.

He had distinctly felt Rey’s pain, and it had left him fitful.

Kylo had spent many hours wrestling with himself before he finally let his _other_ , much older and smaller side win, and reached out to her. Admittedly, he had been terrified of what he would find, his mind plaguing him with fears of grievous injury or untimely demise. The thoughts stung worse than they should have. Only, he had found her unconscious and unguarded, and utterly unharmed. To his surprise, he had been practically _pulled_ into her mind as soon as he had brushed it, leaving him startled and tentative.

It was all a very, very dangerous game.

Her mind was blank in recovery sleep, and Kylo could feel the heaviness of her limbs, indicating that this recovery sleep had been mightily Force-induced. Above that, he had sensed phantom pain still burning in her nerves, perfectly tracing the very real pain that Kylo felt. He had checked again, but Rey was woundless.

It was then he had wrenched himself from her mind. That single, terrifying discovery, seemingly so insignificant, but-

He had sprinted to the archive chamber despite the destroyed state his body was in.

Kylo Ren had torn through the holocrons till he had found something, _anything,_ to disprove the seed of fear in his mind.

Now here he sat, on the cold floor, propped against an empty holocron rack, and with all the other archives strewn about him on the floor. He clutched only one, and stared unseeingly at the information that _confirmed_ his fears beyond a shadow of a doubt.

All a very dangerous game indeed, and he and Rey were the most unwitting of players.

The small snippets of information, so easily lost amidst the sea of knowledge his master had amassed, damned him from the glowing screen where they shone.

_The formation of a Force Bond is common between a Master and Padawan... It requires time, and develops slowly…Rarely, it had been observed that powerful Force Bonds occur between two individuals during a moment of extreme intimacy, such as near-death…It is universally accepted that, while thoughts and feelings can be shared over such a Bond intentionally or not, that is where it ends. However, and rarer still than any immediate Bond, and only as the exception, it had been observed that physical pain itself can be relayed. This has been seen by this author in only one instance; when the main subject was wounded rather terribly by a terentatek, and the Bond partner fell to the floor in equal agony. Regretfully, neither made it for further study, as the main subject was killed by the beast, and her partner subsequently…It can be hypothesised for this archive, though only by single study, that this brand of Bond can indeed be fatal to an otherwise perfectly healthy individual._

Over and over in his mind, those goading words repeated.

_Powerful bonds._

_Physical pain._

_Fatal._

_Fatal._

Fatal.

If she felt his injuries, did that mean that this bond could prove fatal? The holocron only cited one case, and Kylo knew it was more than likely that their bond was not of that nature.

However, there was still that chance.

He threw the holocron across the room, and it shattered into sparks and shards of metal. Harshly, he wiped his hands over his face, only to find his brow sweaty and feverish. He was not ill, not physically at least. But he was sick to his stomach from this latest development.

Rey had felt his physical pain, and he had been excommunicated from her for so long, aside from foolishly calming her during a moment of absolute weakness, that he did not know if she had done so before. Could it possibly reach all the way back to when she had completely infected his consciousness after Starkiller? She had been in every corner of his mind, surely this meant she had felt him cauterise the wounds, too.

Had that innocent act been the crack that allowed such a blasphemous connection?

Kylo Ren had pulled his knees up and rested his forehead on them, trying to stifle the rising bile in his throat.

Connection.

He almost laughed to himself, settling instead for a bitter snort. Who would have thought that _this_ was how he and that little girl would end up? Lightyears apart, and still tearing into each other.

Not exactly what he had had in mind. He would almost have her back on Jakku, out of the way again. Almost.

Kylo Ren sighed and let his head fall back against the shelf once more. Force _damn_ her.

Rey.

She would be the end of him, if Snoke didn’t get to her first.

Abruptly, fierce urgency surged through his veins, breathing new energy into him.

He _would_ turn her. He had to. He had no choice now. Be it due to his fear of the bond or his own pathetic disposition towards her. He would give Snoke no reason to dispose of her, and he would groom her to be capable of helping him survive Snoke when the time came.

Kylo Ren picked himself up from the holocron-littered floor, ignoring the whispers and breaths of persuasion that emanated from the darker, more ancient Sith pyramidal ones. He had heard all those utterances before, and had basked in them quite enough.

Now, he was single-minded.

He would save Rey. He would make her see the reason of the Dark, and he would turn her, no matter what it took. Even if it meant forcing her to despise him, to hate him, and Kylo Ren smiled terribly when he realised that this may perhaps be the easiest route.

As it stood, Rey did not hate nor despise him though she insisted she did. True hate was a powerful thing, and only existed where there was immeasurable Darkness. There was no such Darkness in Rey. Flashes, perhaps, if his taste of her on Starkiller was any indication. But nothing overwhelming. His smile twisted to a snarl. He knew how to make her hate him. Ben Solo knew perfectly well how to make Rey hate him. It would hurt him.

No matter. She would use the hate, and it would anchor her to the Dark, and he would use the pain to keep himself distracted from her Light till it existed no more.

Maybe, just maybe, it would cause Ben Solo to finally die.

Absentmindedly, he rubbed a hand over his aching chest wound, grimacing at the soreness of the area.

Perhaps, he would let it heal now.

He knew he would treat the others the minute he got back to his chambers, whether he should or not. He had other plans to incite her fury, physical torture was never one of them.

***

Rey woke slowly, her eyes blurry, and her body tender from the stimulus that should never have been there. At least it didn’t feel strictly _sore_ anymore. Just delicate.

As her vision gradually cleared, she edged herself into a seated position, and propped herself up on the pillow that had been under her head. Speaking of her head…

It hummed with a suspiciously familiar energy, and it took Rey a while, but when she remembered when she had felt it before and _known_ what it was, she nearly growled.

_Him._

So he had been in her head, hey? Past Luke’s shield? At least he wasn’t there now, and she sullenly threw her defence back into place.

Perhaps she should have been scared. Scared that he had gotten so powerful, scared that she had let him in, or scared that the bond itself ignored all other interference. All of these possibilities flashed through Rey’s mind, and she promptly ignored them all. Instead, she swung her legs out of the bed and was readying herself to leap out of bed and train _harder._

Then she saw Chewy, and she rocked back into the mattress, her mood pulling a full flip.

He was slumped in the chair by her bedside, fast asleep. Snoring.

How long had she been out?

The Wookiee gave a particularly fitful snuffle, and Rey could not withhold a giggle at the positively adorable way he shifted in his sleep to find comfort. She knew full well how he would protest the word ‘adorable’, and it only made her giggle harder, yet soundlessly as she tried to suppress the noise.

Luke appeared in the doorway, obvious relief on his face, and then amusement as he witnessed his newest Padawan reduced to a shaking bundle of breathless and red-faced chuckles.

Chewbacca grunted in his sleep again, hiccupping into a rather loud snore, and Rey burst into peals of audible laughter, though the residual throbbing of her chest made laughing a slight inconvenience.

The poor Wookiee jumped rather brusquely at the new sound, looking around and growling in disorientation at first before fixing his bleary eyes on Rey. She was still doubled up in a fit of mirth.

He looked to Luke for help, but the man only shrugged, muttering something about bringing lunch over to the room for them all before gliding away.

Chewie watched her in apprehension as her laughter calmed.

“I’m sorry buddy, you just looked so- so _cute,_ sleeping in the chair!”

As she expected, he growled disgruntledly at being called ‘cute’, but there was a tenderness to his tone that told Rey he quite honestly didn’t mind. He pulled her into a rough hug, patting her head before letting her fall back to sit on the mattress and lean on the wall again.

_[How do you feel now, Little One? You scared me.]_

“I’m sorry Chewie, I’m much better now,” her throat went dry, “I don’t actually know what happened. I was perfectly fine, till-“

_[Luke believes he may have an idea. He seemed rather displeased, even angry, over something as he coaxed you into what he called a ‘healing sleep’.]_

Rey went cold.

Oh no.

He had found the bond. How the hell was she ever going to explain this?

How in the hell was she ever going to be able to tell Luke how she had _willingly_ called on that man before?

He would stop training her for sure. Too close to his nephew, too close to the evil that destroyed him the first time around.

Oh-

She did not have time to think further before Luke reappeared, carrying trays with food. The usual tasteless synthetic gruel, but there were a few fruits and berries that Rey would be sure to leave for last. Throughout the meal, Luke did not look upset. They all talked rather pleasantly, even R2 wheeled himself in and chirped along with them.

Rey struggled to eat through the nervous, sickly feeling in her gut.

Could he not just tell her she had to leave and get it over with? Could he not just damn her and this bond _now_ instead of being so civil?

It seemed that was the feeling that followed her for the entire day. It was dusk, and she was on her way back to her own chambers before Luke cornered her and walked her out the front doors to the path that lead around the temple.

So, Rey thought morbidly, he really is one of those ‘drop a large bomb slowly’ kind of person. She gritted her teeth when he began to speak.

“Rey,” his voice was grave, “I’m afraid I discovered something rather disturbing that is going to have dire consequences on our time here, and how it is spent-“

Odd wording, but Rey held her expression neutral.

“-While I used the Force to find source for your pain, I tracked it to come from, well, _outside._ Now of course this is obvious, as you had no wounds, but what really throws me is how this even happened in the first place-”

Rey had to stop herself short of yelling out in a moment of clarity. All that pain…Of _course_ it had been _him._ She could have kicked herself for being so obstinately oblivious-

“-This leads me to believe that someone truly powerful in the Force is manipulating you by means of Force Insanity beyond my comprehension-“

Wait _. What?_ No Force Bond? He hadn’t realised it was a two-way _bond?_ Rey could barely believe what she was hearing.

“-I came across this _energy_ in your very consciousness that only ramifies this conjecture. If this is the case, I can only assume that either Snoke or my nephew have found a way to target minds even from a great cosmic distance. This is distressing.”

Most of what Luke was saying was falling on deaf ears. Rey was far too relieved that Luke seemed ignorant of the bonds, or else was simply not connecting the dots. Well, she reminded herself, he _did_ say that the mind-based realm of the Force was not his forte. But was her own conclusion true? Had Kylo honestly forced his pain on her from over the bond? Probably. Had she not felt similar after Starkiller? Had he learnt from her mistake and used it against her? Most likely, for one such as him.

“Either way,” Luke continued, blind to his student’s very carefully minded emotions, “Our existence here has been compromised, and we will have to leave sooner than I would have liked. We will stay another three weeks at most,” his voice neared a whisper, “It is not nearly enough time.”

Rey was devastated.

Luke had not yet even begun to teach her how to properly _wield_ the Force in combat. She had no idea how to control Push, Pull, anything like that. And she had to admit, something like Choke or Lightning would come in awfully handy against someone like Kylo Ren.

But would Luke even have taught her that? A small part of her doubted it, the other part remained hopeful.

She did not want to leave. She was still needing something from his training, outside of the Force control, that just had not cropped up yet.

She needed to be taught how to _fight._ Luke was still only teaching her how to spar.

They walked back into the temple together, and Rey split off to her room as soon as she could, her head a mess of thoughts and unbridled feeling.

She was scared, angry, frustrated, anxious, and more she could not quite describe. Underneath it all, she was lonely again.

Luke was all peace and serenity.

Chewbacca was not Force Sensitive.

R2 was a droid.

None of them could understand her need to just _learn the Force._

All of the Force.

And even if Luke could see it, he would never allow it.

There is no emotion, there is peace.

But Rey, Rey was all emotion, and the only way she knew she would quell it was with complete understanding of this energy that plagued her.

How in the name of the Force itself would she ever manage that?

The possible answers bred dangerous thoughts, and Rey could not will herself to sleep it away.

Instead, she grabbed her trusty staff and headed for the courtyard, taking her frustration out on a training dummy, and fine-tuning her form.

If only it were a person who properly fought back.

Rey noticed Luke come to watch her briefly before slinking away, but did not let him know she had caught him. Quite possibly, she could sense his fear of erring with her. Perhaps she felt him try to subdue it.

Rey did not let him know she might feel his fears, and know that that fear was very possibly of her.


	13. Dichotomy

**_Chapter 13: Dichotomy_ **

The question was how. It was _always_ how.

And right now, Kylo was struggling with how to be calm and collected since the _only way_ he was every going to reach Rey from planets away required damn _meditation_.

He had never been very good at it, and coming across snags in his practice reminded him of time with Luke, which only made him angrier and thus completely undid all the quieting he had already done.

This was not going well.

Kylo got up and read the holorecord again.

Unfortunately, no matter how often he read the words nor how irately he stared at them, they did not change.

_Force Meditation differs from regular meditation in that, instead of making one an empty vessel for the Force to run through and rejuvenating the practitioner, it instead sharpens the focus of the Force to be utilised in fine effect, and takes a toll as would sparring or using any other Force power. An example of this phenomena would be Battle Meditation…_

Fascinating, he though dryly, if only it wasn’t necessary at all for the illusion he was interested in.

_Most peculiar of techniques coupled with Force Meditation would be the apparently corporeal communication that is achievable between two people. When initiated in a state of deep immersion in the Force, or deep connection with the second party, two minds can come together and manifest in a setting of the initiator’s desire. However, the setting is limited to memories shared by the two partaking in this unorthodox technique, and the memory must be powerful one in order to aid physical manifestation. Without the catalyst of the memory, such a meeting in the planes of the Force would prove impossible._

_Many uses for this form of meeting have been documented, such as skill-learning, combat…_

Et cetera, Kylo sighed. It was the last part that had him the most nervous, even though it showed the most promise.

_It is possible for this technique to be used as a form of confrontation or intervention, provided the target is in a state of vulnerability. Sleep is ideal, provided it renders the target susceptible to attack._

He knew Rey suffered nightmares like he did. He knew targeting her while she slept would be the best, as she was already so raw, expecting a terror to come.

As much as he may grouse about it, the meditation was actually coming along alright, and he had brushed her mind more than once over the last few days. He had even seen her surface thoughts once, and he knew his time was running out. Luke was trying to hurry up her basic training.

It would be the perfect opportunity to strike, if only the stubborn girl would _fall asleep._

Good _Force_ she had endurance for such a hardworking thing.

Kylo had also not slept in days, and while she was continuing her lessons as if she had a solid eight hours of shuteye, Kylo was starting to feel the effects.

He was not even irritated at this. He admired her.

Then again, he would have to remember to get her to tell him how she managed to keep her energy up, if she didn’t impale him with a saber first.

Before trying once more, Kylo checked his door for the third time in the last two hours. Still solidly barricaded, thank goodness. He did _not_ want the Elite to ambush him trying to communicate with Rey.

For a beat, he oscillated between sitting on the floor for meditation and looking at the door in slight concern. He shoved his weighty steamer trunk against it just for good measure, then knelt on the stone and tried to focus again.

Maybe, he mused wryly to himself, if he thought _really_ sleepy thoughts, he might just influence her to finally pass out. It wouldn’t be hard, considering how much he craved to just climb into the bunk to his left, despite it being made out of stone and thin furs for a mattress. Right now, it seemed like the most inviting bed in the galaxy. One tended to think that way when the only rest available was leaning against a wall while blinking slightly slower than normal, if only to make sure you didn’t get murdered by your Master’s minions.

The holocrons around him began to levitate as he reigned in the wild energy around him. Usually, this wild energy was his security blanket, a field that he could draw from at any time. Now, he needed it all within himself and he was not above admitting it frightened him slightly.

What he didn’t want to admit, however, was how much he was truly afraid of showing her what he had to in order to make her hate him. Over the past six days, he had been positively wrangling his plan of action in his head. Did he do it? Did he not?

Was there _any other way?_

Part of him knew it was the smartest thing to do. She would never accept his offer of mentorship willingly otherwise.

The rest of him, the side he tried to supress, the side that was so timorous, didn’t want to lose her so completely.

That side just proved to him that it was, indeed, the best thing for Kylo Ren to do.

Though he brushed the thoughts aside and managed to refocus his energies- along with resisting the urge to dig at his still raw and seeping wound- he could not entirely shake the warring that clutched at his chest.

What he met as his clarity increased left him speechless far longer than it should have, and a small seed of hope in his heart that he knew he should never have encouraged.

***

Rey was at her wit’s end. It took all her grit and will to keep herself going and maintain a semblance of normality for Luke.

It didn’t help that she had completely avoided sleep. It didn’t help that Luke was slowly making her more and more nervous as he began to keep her at arm’s length.

It most certainly didn’t help that he just…just _wasn’t_ advancing her training beyond meditation and _sparring._ And after that night, it just seemed to Rey as if Luke was hesitant to expand her training at all.

Rey wanted to tear her hair out.

More than once she had wanted to shout at him. He had _promised_ her she would be ready! And here she was, absolutely wasting. Her forms were perfect, and she had fair enough control of the Force beyond the inner workings of her body and mind.

Hell, she had even mastered Healing Meditation! Rey swore she’d be able to rinse the hangovers out of every drunkard on Nar Shaddaa with the sheer practice she had had while Luke toiled away on basic things.

Rey had immersed herself every night in the few holocrons he had in his possession. They were all purely archival, citing ideas and techniques but not entirely teaching anything.

In all fairness, one holocron had helped her understand the flow of the Force in such a way that she had strengthened the waking defence of her mind, but beyond that…?

Rey was bordering on painful fury as she fled to her chambers after yet another simple sparring lesson. Luke hadn’t even needed to deactivate his saber, she kept him well at bay, and eventually threw him off completely. After a few rounds, she had asked Luke to teach her the last form she was yet to learn. Juyo. It was an aggressive one, and even though -according to the holocrons- it was a favoured form of the Sith, she knew her Niman form would benefit much from the sheer flurry of the style. But Luke had straight up refused to teach her, a melancholy look in his eyes, with just the vaguest hint of grim fear. Rey could have been imagining it.

What was so exceptionally horrific about aggressive styles anyway? What was so terrible about using the Force against someone? Rey had these tools and abilities, what was so _damn_ wrong about using them?

There was a _war_ going on and she was pretty sure Luke would be perfectly happy to meditate in his gardens till the First Order blew the planet to dust, for all the ‘peace’ and ‘serenity’ he exuded.

Dark, Light. What did it matter? Rey had been chewing over those holocrons and what they said about the Dark and Light sides of the Force. How the Dark was evil. It was Lightning, it was Life Draining, it was Mind Domination, it was aggression and passion. The Light, on the other hand, was patience, kindness, Healing, and Shielding. To Rey, it sounded as if some preachy, self-righteous fanatic had written their own personal thoughts and had the authority to pass it off as law.

Rey rather honestly did not see a difference. If she was going to Choke someone, that someone would have earned it. If she was going to hack someone down, that filth will have _earned it._ Just like on Jakku.

When Rey finally closed the door of her room, she took a deep, steadying breath, and kicked her boots of her aching feet. It didn’t calm her, but it helped clear her thoughts. She took another swallowing breath, and changed into something lighter, and comfier.

No, she believed in the Dark and the Light. But was it truly so bad to mix the two? Wasn’t that was what being a Sentinel was about? Balance?

Rey was at a loss.

She rested her back against the wall, and slowly slid to the floor, letting her forehead fall onto one crooked knee.

Sluggishly, she worked the currents of the Force through her mind, sorting out the thoughts and ideas, rolling them over, and thinking them through till there was nothing left of them to be in contention.

About an hour or so later- Rey could not tell- her mind was placid. It was still, like the flat, crystal pond that lay in the centre of a small meditation garden west of the temple.

No, there was nothing wrong with mixing the two. That was all opinion, from what she had gathered from the archives. All conjecture and rules made to keep younglings in line. Rules made to protect.

But Rey didn’t need protection. She didn’t want it. She wanted to defend her damn self.

She sighed heavily, her heart fluttering in anxiety at the thought she had been mulling over the most. Luke was going to have strong words when he found out, for he certainly would at some point in time. Rey, however, could take the overwhelming Lightness and thus one-sidedness of her meagre training no more.

Gritting her teeth, she called out to _him_.

Nothing.

The mirror-flat calm that was her mind rippled with the familiar hum of a chaotic presence, but the man at its root did not speak.

Strange, she could _feel_ him there. Rey could sense he could hear her.

_Kylo Ren?_

Surprise. She felt surprise.

So, she snorted slightly smugly, it seemed as if Luke’s shield really did do nothing against a Force Bond.

Shaking the anxiety from her chest, Rey dug her nails into her legs and practically spat the words at him, though she did not intend to.

_I accept your offer._

Now there was plain disbelief. The presence in her mind did a tangible double take. Rey smiled a little to herself when she realised she had just left Kylo Ren speechless.

When he did finally respond, his tone was much gentler than she had ever heard it. Rey was almost worried.

_You want me to teach you?_

Was that…Delight?

 _Yes._ She swallowed hard. _Please. If the offer still stands._

If she didn’t know better, she would have thought the stuttering of the consciousness fitting against her own was indicative of the man stumbling over himself to answer.

_Of course it still stands. Of course it does, Rey. I-_

_On one condition._ She interrupted. _You figure out how to do it from wherever you are. Because I’m not jeopardising my position with the Resistance._

He was silent for a long time, but Rey could feel something akin to anxious excitement spark over the tether. It was odd for Rey to feel anything so close to- dare she say it- _happiness_ coming from Kylo Ren.

_Go to sleep._

That was not what she was expecting.

_What?_

_Just...Just go to sleep. I promise you it’ll all make sense, it’s just very difficult to explain._ Rey could feel his fatigue seeping through the bond now, but even past that his tone remained gentle, and surprisingly kind.

Rey picked herself up from the floor and walked over to her bed, her heart fluttering ever so slightly with, what she thought at least, to be a healthy fear.

_Don’t be afraid. There’s no need._

_Really?_ She knew her sarcasm didn’t come across. She knew she sounded small and hesitant.

 _Trust me Rey, I offered to teach you. I won’t go back on that. No more, no less._ Did he have to sound so genuine?

Rey wasn’t sure if she believed him or not, but her frustration made her willing to try anything.

She climbed into bed, and tucked her head into the pillow, regulating her breathing to try fall asleep.

It was no good.

 _This is even worse than expecting a terror._ She remarked, taken aback at herself for how easy it came, to just offhandedly talk to him.

A heaviness crept over her limbs, and she recognised the feeling from her first night on Ahch-To.

_Let me help you._

He was doing this? He could do this?

_I have gotten just a little stronger. But if you had to resist, I’d be powerless. This is a gentler form of what I did on Takodana._

He had done this before, Rey realised, he had…And not just Takodana…That other night-

_Rey. Relax._

Rey didn’t resist him, though a tiny piece of her wanted to. It was, however, only a tiny piece, and the rest of her welcomed the relief he brought with whatever he was doing.

 _If nothing else, teach me that._ She managed to push over.

There was a smile in his thoughts when he responded, just before Rey succumbed entirely.

_Deal._


	14. Bedlam

**_Chapter 14: Bedlam_ **

Just as quickly as the headiness of sleep overtook Rey, so she awoke.

She was disorientated and sluggish, similar to how she had awoken after Takodana.

Slowly, she tried to lift her hands to wipe her face and rub her bleary eyes, only to find that they would not move.

Rey stiffened, cold metal cutting into her forearms and ankles.

No.

No, no, no!

Her eyes flew open to find that, _just like_ after Takodana, she was in an interrogation room and strapped back in place on that infernal contraption. Terror flooded through her body, causing her heart to race, its beat drowning her senses.

This was another Force Terror. It had to be. Luke was right when he said they would be back. She should never have fallen asleep.

Rey screamed wordlessly, struggling violently against her restraints, her entire body rising off the palette in a desperate arch.

“Rey!”

His voice was so soft, had she not breathlessly slumped back against the machine at that moment, she would have missed it.

Instead, Rey snapped her eyes to the man in front of her. Maskless.

This was all she could make out, however, as her eyes were blurred with panicked tears that she refused to let spill. Rey hung her head and whimpered helplessly, bracing herself for whatever torture the terror would dish out by his hands next.

But she would not cry. Though her body quivered with the primal dread of being in this position once more, she would _not_ cry.

Rey waited for the scene to play out as it had in reality, scrunching her eyes tightly closed and praying whatever came _after_ would pass quickly.

There was a jostling at her legs, and rather suddenly they were free. This was not what usually happened. Still, she did not move. It had always been futile to run before.

Lightning.

Choke.

His bare hands.

Just let it pass soon, she silently begged.

His hands… Rey realised they were gently clutching her shoulders.

“Rey, look at me. Look at me, please.” He was pleading.

“You never say that!” Rey blurted out past trembling lips, “You never, never say that!”

“ _Rey,_ look _at me.”_

She shook her head vehemently, feeling his hands trail down her arms, rubbing soothingly as he went.

“You don’t do this, you _never do this.”_ It came out whispered.

“Rey,” His voice was tense, and his hands were at her wrists, “Rey, it’s no nightmare.”

Her arms were free, and she pulled them against her chest as soon as there was no longer resistance, hugging herself.

“Rey-“

“ _Stop saying my name.”_

Rey curled into herself on the contraption and away from him, unable to chase the panic away and comprehend what this phantom was telling her. She heard him sigh, and sensed his hesitation.

She had never been able to sense him in these dreams before.

Her mind was abuzz, her heart beating at an alarming rate, and there were drums in her ears. Rey still kept her eyes tightly clenched.

Then, there was a warm pressure around her body, encircling her, and pressing her arms tighter around herself.

The pounding in her ears gradually lessened, along with the pace of her heart.

Tentatively, Rey cracked open her eyes, only to be met with the shoulder of Kylo Ren’s robes. He was holding her, his head tucking hers against his shoulder.

Kylo Ren was holding her.

No, Kylo Ren was _comforting_ her, the hand on her back ever so slightly flexing in the semblance of a stroke.

Rey was torn between shoving him away with everything she had, and wrapping her own arms around him.

The impulse of that last thought startled Rey, but even as she shied from it, and knew she should have thrown him across the room, she realised she was already leaning into him, and he had shifted her closer ever so slightly.

It was absurd, almost sacrilege. Rey had fully intended to draw on all possible fury when dealing with the Dark man.

It felt so natural, and that alarmed Rey. This was entirely problematic.

When he spoke, his chest rumbled with his deep baritone, “This is not a dream, Rey. Don’t be afraid. Please.”

She shuddered, still unaccustomed to this side of Kylo Ren. She was still apprehensive how far ‘this side’ extended, or even what side ‘this side’ was.

“Not a dream?” She asked shakily, edging away from the offending metal underneath her. It was the root of so _many_ of her more horrible nightmares.

He hauled her rather unceremoniously from the interrogation vice, and set her lightly on her feet.

“Not a dream,” he repeated grimly, taking a small step back with his hands now back on her shoulders, “And trust me, I’ve seen _those_ dreams of yours-“

Rey flicked her eyes to his face at the break in his voice, and finally she could see him clearly. He was just as striking as the first time she had seen under the mask. Not even the pale burgundy scar that ran across his face from just below his hairline, off centre a fraction to the left, to his lower right jaw could do anything to mar his features.

The scar _she_ had caused.

His full lips were slightly downcast, and his sharp brows were similarly slanted in consternation. He looked at her with all the intensity of a man starved, his gaze flitting all over her face.

Rey knew he should have intimidated her. She should be afraid, harried, or anguished. She should not feel the sure refuge that instead beset her person as he treated her so. This man was her enemy, Rey knew this. Kylo Ren undoubtedly knew this. Yet the way he was contemplating her, it spoke of only the contrary.

He struggled with his words, his face faintly inflicted with different affectivity as he sorted through his thoughts, and then again when he noticed her studying him. A muscle jumped in his jaw.

“-Those dreams. I will _not_ do that to you, Rey. I will not use the Force on you in such a manner, nor will I _ever_ attack you outside of a completely fair battle.” Kylo’s words shook as he spoke them through clenched teeth.

She averted her eyes, and winced when her gaze landed on the chair.

“Not very Sith-like of you, is it.”

He let her go, and with a wave of his hand the chair was gone. Rey was left staring at the floor, blinking back to reality when Kylo strode past her eye-line and came to rest on the other side of the small room.

He crossed his arms and cautiously regarding her from a distance, having come to some decision Rey was not aware of.

“Perhaps. But now, you are my student.”

Rey could only look at him, words making a mess of her mind, but not culminating in enough sense to be spoken aloud.

Kylo shifted on his feet, mouth twisting into a small smirk, and gesturing around the room, “Better than a Force terror, isn’t it?”

Rey breathed a sarcastic laugh, “Only slightly-” But oh, was her curiosity peaked. “-What _is_ it, exactly?”

His eyes never left her, even as she wandered around, hand skimming the cold walls.

“A kind of Force Meditation, apparently. An illusion, a corporeal manifestation of our bond in the Force. We can manipulate it as we see fit.”

Rey pinned him with a quizzical look. ‘Apparently’? As in it was a skill he knew nothing about? Did he _recently learn-?_

He sighed, completely aware of what was going through her mind.

“Yes, Rey. I learnt it specifically to contact you for this purpose-”

Her eyes were wide now, and her stance was indignant.

“-Must you look so surprised?” He was amused now. “You _knew_ I would pursue you for some reason or another.”

“You’re very honest about it.”

He shrugged, and the smirk was still firmly in place. “Well, you’re here aren’t you?”

Rey turned to face him head on, a challenging expression painted on her face.

It was all that was necessary, and her cry of surprise died in her throat as Kylo lunged towards her and pinned her to the wall. He had his hands on either side of her head, effectively trapping her. When Rey had recovered, she firmly shoved against his chest to get him off.

He didn’t budge. Neither was he hurting her, however. He was just standing there, invading her space, while she glared at him with all the fury of a small star.

He leaned in when she shoved harder, speaking in a low tone near her ear, close enough to feel his breath wash over her neck, “You’re going to have try harder than that.”

“ _Get off me!”_

Kylo actually chuckled, and Rey only grew more irritated when the sound actually charmed her. “You’re _really_ going to have to try harder than that, Rey.”

She braced herself against the wall and shoved with all her might, but he had positioned himself far too well. Beating on his chest further, Rey did not miss his pained wince when she landed a particularly hard punch on his left shoulder.

Oh, right.

The wound she had felt, he must still have it, and he must be preventing her from feeling it. It would be a lie to say the thought didn’t twist her heart even the slightest bit.

As Rey continued to struggle, she liked to think she avoided hitting him on his shoulder just in case it broke through and _she_ felt it again.

The man had the audacity to roll his eyes at her efforts, before roughly grabbing her arms and pinning them to her sides. Still, he did not actually hurt her.

“ _Fight_ me, Rey. Push me off. _Make_ me. It’s not that hard, you just need to mean it. I know Luke taught you peace, serenity, and all the rest of that Jedi bull. But here, here you use the _Force._ And the Force _is_ energy.”

She was kicking against him now, as he was far too close to her. Rey was struggling to breathe. He was overwhelming her with his much larger frame, goading her, and hounding her. It was working.

All it took was Kylo shaking her against the wall once- not enough to knock her head, but enough to give her a scare- and he found himself collide with the wall on the other side of the room.

Slowly but surely, Rey’s mind cleared of the panic and frustration, and she watched him pry himself off the floor.

He was smiling at her. He was _laughing._

 _“Finally._ It’s been so _long...”_ He trailed off, his smile fading, but he still regarded her with almost reverend anticipation.

“So long?” Rey asked him once she had caught her breath.

He shook his head, and Rey was instantly on edge once more when he pulled his saber out of nowhere.  It had not been on his belt.

“H-How-Where-?”

He gave it a swing, an impressed look on his face, “The holocron wasn’t lying about the realism of this illusion.”

“Kylo-?”

“The illusion, Rey, we create it, we can manipulate it. _Call_ a lightsaber to you. Make it so.”

Rey stood inactive in her bewilderment.

Kylo cocked a brow nonchalantly, “No matter, I’ll be attacking you in the next few moments, I’d say you get a handle on calling a saber.”

“ _What-?”_

“At least nothing that’s done in here leaves any physical damage in reality.”

This was all too much far too fast.

“Kylo what are you doing?” Rey asked as he shifted from foot to foot, fear colouring her voice.

He stalked towards her, an almost feral air about him. Rey backed right into the wall when he raised that crossed, red saber above his head.

“Teaching you.”

He swung his saber down, and Rey jumped to the right as sparkes showered the area where the blade had connected with metal. Again, he repeated the move on her right, so she dodged back to where she began. They danced back and forth, and Kylo continued to toy with Rey in the same manner. Then he caught her across her stomach, and she did not miss the flicker of concern ghost over his face as she fell to her knees, but her recovery was quick.

Rey could see Kylo becoming impatient with her.

“ _Call a saber.”_ He eventually growled at her, as she barely managed to duck under an overhead swing.

“I don’t know how!” Rey was scared, and she was on the floor, having lost her footing.

“Pretend to hold a weapon and _make it SO!”_

He brought his saber slicing down in a heavy two-handed hold. Rey raised her hands on instinct, as she would with her staff, holding her breath in anticipation for the agony of the blow.

But none came.

And she was _holding something._

A brilliant double-bladed yellow lightsaber. The saber she had fantasised about.

Kylo was smiling at her again, the wild gleam from before no longer in his eyes.

He deactivated his saber and stepped away, watching her fall back against the wall and gasp for air, her inactive saber dropping into her lap.

“Well done.”

“Well done?” She echoed questioningly, “What was so ‘well done’ about that?” She was clutching the burn across her stomach.

“You learnt the first lesson of training to use the darker side of the Force. Acting on impulse. Emotion. Feeling. Feel angry? Act on it. Have pain? Use it to fuel your emotion.”

She cringed at the sensation of her latest wound.

“Can I toss the pain of this burn over the bond and we call it even?” Rey groused, glowering up at Kylo. Her anger lost its edge when she saw his sombre expression.

“I’m sorry,” he knelt next to her, placing his hands over hers, “I did not know that the Force Bond would have that effect. Truly.”

Rey relented to his hold, letting him pry her hands from the burn, and pivoted her head as it lay on the wall to fix him with a puzzled stare.

“I though you said that physical wounds here don’t make a difference out there.”

He stopped examining the burn, his hands frozen.

“Excuse me.”

Instead, he moved to sit beside her.

“Is it true, though? That it won’t.”

“More or less.” The exhaustion she had heard earlier, when he had convinced her to go to sleep, was back. “You won’t actually have the wound, but your mind will make it as real as you wish. If you think it hurts, it will hurt.”

Rey groaned, “Great.”

They sat in silence, just blankly staring at the room.

It was almost surreal.

Rey had been so incredibly scared at a few points earlier, but now? Now she felt satisfied. She felt content. The burn on her abdomen was _comforting._ She felt like, finally, she was making progress.

This concept of letting your energy, you excess emotion, translate to the Force…

Rey could see why it could be dangerous. But then again, she could also see why Darksiders favoured it so. Rey felt, for the first time since discovering the Force, like it was containable. Or at least able to be directed.

 “I am sorry that the setting had to be this.” Kylo’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. “I foresaw distress, but not..Not that much.” There was deep regret weighing his words down, but also resignation.

Ah, the room.

“Why, though? Why this room?”

“The holocron clearly stated a powerful mutual memory was required-“ If he had not looked melancholy before, he certainly did now, “-A memory that was held equally in both party’s minds. What it didn’t say was that no other beings were to be present in the memory, and it had to be enclosed-”

When she looked at him, his face was drawn.

“-I assure you I tried every memory I could. But this was the only one the effect grabbed hold of.”

“So it will have to be this every time?”

He nodded, almost looking fearful.

“Well,” Rey breathed, “Just you make sure you get those restraints off as soon as possible, and we won’t have a problem.”

The timid look disappeared, and was replaced with one of careful hope, “You’re fine with doing this again?”

“I took your offer didn’t I? Teachers usually give more than one class.”

Rey decided she rather liked the way delight looked on Kylo’s face.

But not fatigue.

“You’re dead tired, what do they even put you through?”

One glance from him killed that question. It said she did not want to know.

“That, and this method takes a lot out of the person carrying it. I was going to start Force techniques but-“

Rey reached out for him, softly cupping his left shoulder, weary of the wound.

“You go rest,” she said, “Just let me know how to get out of this illusion.”

His expression was unreadable, eyes flicking from her hand to her face and back, before he settled on her face.

“Close your eyes, I’ll send you back.”

She did as he asked, and before long, that weighty feeling had swallowed her once more.

What was different this time around, was she awoke with an energy unlike any she had ever experienced.

Astonishingly, it was morning.

Luke was knocking on her door.


	15. Intent

**_Chapter 15: Intent_ **

Kylo Ren fell back onto the floor from his kneeling position, stretching his aching legs out and thoroughly relieved that the door hadn’t been breached by any Elite. He lay there with his eyes closed, panting from the exertion of sustaining the illusion. This was not what as making his heart race, however. That was all her fault.

Rey.

She had certainly surprised him when she took him up on his previous offer, and Kylo had only been too willing to train her rather than split her mind with those…

He did not want to hurt her, but he had meant to be harsher. Unfortunately, watching her agonise over being in that chair, undoubtedly with memories of her Force terrors flashing though her mind…So _sure_ he was going to harm her…

Kylo clutched his head in his hands, taking deep breaths to calm down. It had been a long time since he had ever purposefully wanted to soothe himself this way instead of kill half a dozen faceless grunts. _She_ did this to him.

He could still feel her hand on his shoulder, still see her avoiding his wound.

Rey was intoxicating. She was powerful, she was raw, and she was _kind._ After everything she had been through, how could she still be so kind? Her eyes…She had looked at him in a way he hadn’t seen in years.

But there was still a darkness to her. Rey’s Force presence was so blindingly Light, it was a comfort to see the flashes of Dark that marred it, that she _embraced._

Rey was beautiful to him.

If he didn’t deal with her firmer- like a Sith would- He would utterly lose himself in her. Of this, Kylo was certain.

He moved to prop himself against the wall, a mock of what he had been like moments before, and opened his eyes to the dull stone of his chamber.

She wanted another lesson.

He had told her Force Techniques, but he supposed it would be fair to ascertain what she wanted to do first.

There was a single knock on the door. It was time for another of his own sessions.

Kylo picked up his saber, and with a flick of his wrist, the trunk was back in its place.

He would just have to wait for later before calling her again.

Making his way down the suffocating corridor, Kylo found himself eager. Not for whatever bloodbath the Elite had planned, but for pause to come. He wanted to see her again.

The Elite were ready when he opened the doors of the room delegated to Force-training. Rey was a far preferable opponent, even without the bloodshed.

Even on Starkiller, without any training behind her whatsoever, and an unfamiliar, strange weapon, Rey had shown just how strong she could be.

Yes, he had let her win. Yes, he could have spared himself all this contention if he had only leaned into the lightsaber lock just a _little_ more, and let her fall. But Rey had shown the potential to be his equal, besides his predilection towards her.

In hindsight, he did not regret his decision at all.

The day would not be able to pass fast enough.

He was caught off-guard when an Elite broke free of his Force Stasis, and nearly ran him through the leg. The Elite in question now lay dead at Kylo’s feet. He redoubled his efforts, drawing on the frustration of knowing she was distracting him, and thus making him weak.

This was the one thing. _The one single thing._

Had she stayed stowed away on Jakku, the death of his father would have wiped all this away. Ben would be gone. But Rey…

He was still her Ben. It simply could not remain so.

The Elite, though they struggled, remained fixed in their places.

Kylo would have to regard her in a similar fashion if he ever hoped to come out stronger.

***

Rey was fighting Luke again, though compared to last night, this could hardly be called fighting. The Jedi was so reserved, yet he had obvious skill. It irritated Rey that she would not get to test herself out against Luke’s all.

Rey exhaled heavily as her downwards blow drove Luke’s saber into the ground, ending another match. She was mindful, however, to keep her emotions in check.

Impulse, impulse, impulse! She recited to herself.

It was amazing, really, like having her eyes wide open for the first time in weeks. Finally, she could channel all that repressed energy into something useful, and so long as she kept it on _impulse,_ Luke seemed to be none the wiser to her intention.

“You’re slipping again, Rey,” he said as he reignited his saber, ‘You’re striking out of frustration.”

Most of the time, she amended, slightly perturbed.

Perhaps, the thought dawned on her, she could employ some kind of block to keep her emotions internalised…A distraction.

Rey almost jumped in delight at her idea.

Poe! She would count cards like Poe had taught her!

Rey set to work immediately imagining a deck and side for herself, then she played.

With every strike Luke tossed her way, she picked a random number and held the possible balances in her head that her side deck would lead to. Which card should she turn next for each possibility to make it twenty? Which number would keep all routes below? Which number would break them all?

Abruptly, a Force-Push followed swing of her saber forced Luke to the floor. He was wheezing, out of breath from what had been a ten-minute match. Rey hadn’t even noticed the time pass. Just numbers. Just pazaak in her head, and impulse driving her neat movements.

Luke could not keep up with her, and she was slightly abashed by the ghost of concern on his face as he got up off the floor.

“Meditation.” Was all he said, and she followed him dutifully to their usual place by the pond.

Rey was not even bothered by her least favourite activity. She was far too elated at having discovered that the pazaak-method actually worked. Maybe this would work at keeping Kylo out of her mind as well.

She kept counting the numbers, hiding her bustling mind from Luke.

If he could not sense it, Kylo would not be able to sense it.

It was then that Rey realised she had not had to hide her mind from him last night. Was that just the nature of the illusion? Kylo had mentioned it was a manifestation of the bond itself, or something along those lines. Did that mean what she _said_ to him was akin to what she otherwise allowed him to see in reality? Rey would have to ask him what the holocron said.

Come to think of it, Rey was particularly irritated at herself for being so…so _open_ to him. She had honestly thought it was another dream. She had let her fear get the better of her. And now _Kylo Ren_ had taken a front-row seat to her weakness. It had tinged the rest of their interactions, and Rey would not allow herself to trust his gentleness. He had just tried to acclimatise his student. That was where this all ended, and Rey would meet him with the detachment she had meant to always use with him from now on.

Would he call her tonight? Rey felt almost ashamed that she hoped he would. It was all so dreadfully _immoral._ She would not join him. She stood with the Resistance. Yet here she sat, looking forward to their next meeting.

There had to be something wrong with her, and yet she could not bring herself to regret the decision. Rey wanted this.

Rey wanted to learn the raw nature of the Force. That would be a brutal learning indeed, and she would not allow any kind of tenderness, for whatever reason it was there, to interfere.

First though, she would have to make peace with the fact that she would awake in that chair, and learning the true nature of the Force from him would mean Lightning, Choke, Stasis, and all the others, at his hands.

Could she?

Rey nearly scoffed at herself.

Of course she could, and she wouldn’t even need to ‘make peace’ with it either. She would use it to fuel the Force inside her. Isn’t this what she wanted all along? A way to combat the nightmares?

Well, it didn’t get more confronting than literally fighting the terrors. Sure, he would have to teach her all these things and there was no one else to perform the powers on but each other. Rey was guaranteed her chance to battle the terrors away.

Besides, Kylo had promised what they did in there would have no physical effect in reality, and she had seen it to be true when she woke up with no wound. The ghost pain had been easily willed away.

She was pulled from her musing when Luke shook her shoulder.

Rey was startled to see the sun hanging low in the sky, and an unusual nervousness settled in her stomach.

Luke was appraising her with careful, but impressed eyes, “That’s the most focussed you’ve ever been, Rey. I must say I’m glad. Though your method was…Unorthodox. It worked.”

Rey had to honestly work to keep her face neutral, “Thank you, Poe suggested it as a distraction for my thoughts. I guess it works both ways.”

Luke was thoughtful for a moment before giving her shoulder one last pat, then the sceptical look was back in place, “Go have a decent supper. We’re done for the day.”

She made for the exit, but stopped when he didn’t follow, “Not joining?”

“Not tonight. I want to remain here a while longer.”

That was odd, but she supposed he probably did this after she went to bed anyway.

Though it bothered her, Rey gave a miniscule shrug then headed to the temple. Chewie met her on the way, a cheeky smile splitting his furry face.

_[I must congratulate you, Little One, this is the first time you have filled out the allotted time for meditation without nearly hurling something at Luke out of restlessness. Though I am rather disappointed at the lack of entertainment.]_

Sweet Force she loved this Wookiee.

Laughing when he pulled her into against his side in a single-armed side as they walked, Rey playfully jabbed him with her elbow.

“Go on, laugh it up. I for one am very pleased all the garden furniture is still where it should be.”

 _[A pity, really. I rather enjoyed the time where Luke had to face the fury of a stone bench.]_ He retorted with feigned melancholia.

They chuckled about that all the way to the dining hall, where Chewie had set out two steaming plates of…Something that looked entirely too appetising to be gruel.

The gorgeous smell made Rey’s mouth water.

“Chewie what _is_ that?” she gasped, running up to the plates and inspecting their contents closely.

_[I spied a few fowl this morning, on the way to the Falcon. It was a simple matter of having R2 chase them my way, and here is the result. Rotisserie bird.]_

Chewie actually staggered with the force of Rey’s embrace, and he rubbed her back affectionately.

_[It is my absolute pleasure, Little One. You have been training very hard, and are making excellent progress.]_

“Thanks Chewie, I just wish that Luke would teach me more,” she answered as they sat down. One bite of the appealing fowl and she was sold. It was heaven. Food never tasted this good, and Rey had to force herself to eat it slowly.

Chewie snorted a laugh at her response before tucking in himself, and responding to her. _[I gathered that feeling.]_

Rey could not supress a sigh, “Is it so obvious?”

_[You reached a peak, Little One. It is not so difficult to see that you need a challenge.]_

“But I also want to get back to D’Qar and _do something,_ you know?”

Chewbacca nodded, _[I understand the feeling. It’s the difference between duty and necessity, I suppose. You have to decide which is which to you.]_

Rey swallowed another mouthful of the delectable food before speaking again slowly, “I want to go back. I feel like there is more Luke could teach me, but he seems unwilling, so my skills will be better put to use for the Resistance instead of listing here. But I also can’t leave without him, and he seems to think me not ready to leave yet.”

Chewie contemplated her with an almost fatherly air to his gaze _, [It is difficult indeed. I would recommend no more than two more weeks on this planet.]_ The mischievous twinkle returned to his eyes, _[When that time is up, I am all aboard with hog-tying the stubborn Jedi and locking him in the cargo hold till we get home.]_

Rey almost choked on her food, giggling at his serious tone.

“Fair enough, Fluffball.”

He leaned over and fondly mussed her hair, growling in mock-exasperation at her.

Rey always enjoyed these moments with the big Wookiee. It kept her grounded, and kept her feeling _normal._ Human. Not like some mythical pawn in a giant game of Dejarrik.

Some nights she felt like that was all she had become. Not Rey, the girl. But Rey, the force-Sensitive. Or just Force User.

‘Rey’ was all she had, and now even that was threatened.

Outside, the sky grew dark as the sun set completely. Was it night where he was?

Her gut twisted in nervous knots as she finished her meal.

How absurd, to be impatiently awaiting his call, Rey berated herself.

Chewie took her agitation as tiredness, and sent her off to bed with all the insistence of a doting parent. What in the world would she do without him?

Rey absent-mindedly prepared for bed, and she was halfway back from the bathing chamber when that spike of activity in her mind sent shivers down her spine. She picked up the pace the rest of the way.

_I startled you._

It was a statement. His tone was gruff.

 _That happens when you ambush someone after their bath,_ she retorted snappishly; half from the nerves, and half from her determination to be aloof.

 _I’m waiting,_ was his only answer.

Rey was somewhat taken aback by his composure. It was calculated, and equally as removed as her own.

Was he playing the same ploy she was?

Rey locked her door and sunk into her bunk, assuring herself it did not matter. It would be better if they were both on the same page.

This time, she basked in the creeping sleep swallowing her, and was prepared for when she came to in the clinical room.

Rey would not show Kylo Ren her fissures again. She would give him nothing.


	16. Affray

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT NOTE: The Author is a dummy and typed "Form II" twice in her notes instead of "Form VII". The wonderful, dear, fantastic Rinso notified this oblivious author to this grievous error and all "Makashi" has been changed to "Juyo"O.o  
> [I, as a Star Wars Nerd, am ashamed. Mea Culpa]  
> THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME

**_Chapter 16: Affray_ **

The restraints were off Rey before she could even open her eyes, and Kylo pulled her out of the chair just as speedily.

“Good evening to you too,” Rey muttered, trying to regain her balance as he left her leaning on the wall and made the interrogation apparatus disappear.

When the dizziness finally subsided, she looked up to meet his eyes. Kylo Ren wore a defensive expression, and his gaze was guarded. It disarmed her completely, and Rey would not allow for that feeling. She was going to maintain her detachment. It did not pass her notice that a bandage peeked out from under the neck his casual robes. His shoulder wound.

Was he that slow of a healer? Or did he simply not know how to heal himself?

“Do you have your bearings?” he asked tersely, lips quirking into only the tiniest of smiles when she nodded, but it soon vanished, “Good-“ his voice was clipped and to the point, “-Before we begin, there are some things we need to discuss. First of all, conduct-”

Rey almost laughed at his stilted manner, so different from their last interaction, but by some miracle managed to maintain a straight face.

“Forget our last session ever happened-“ Was that _regret_ in his tone? “-Now that you are acclimated to the illusion, I will treat you as my student and my student alone. You are a learner of the Dark while you are with me, and will be taught how learners of the Dark are. However-“ Now his words were definitely softer in nature, but only a faint echo of before, “-The rules I set out still remain. I won’t use brutal force against you outside of what you can meet-“

“But I _want_ you to!” Rey interrupted him, offhandedly concentrating on trying so summon a saber.

Kylo’s mask broke and he gawked at her in disbelief, “Rey that won’t be a good idea, you-“

Rey frowned at him with an air of petulance, “I want to learn how to use the Force. _All_ of it. I want to learn more than just Push and Pull. I want to learn how to _fight._ With variety. The best way for me to do this is to experience it first-hand.”

She was not about to tell him she also wanted to do it for the sake of facing her Force nightmares head on. He did not need that ammunition against her.

“And how exactly do you keep all of this from Luke? You are far too eager for blood to be able to hide from him.”

Outrage rose hot and explosive in her throat, “If you must know, I found a way to block Luke completely. He doesn’t know a thing beyond my ‘occasional struggle with frustration.”

Kylo raised a brow in disbelief, “Oh? Do tell.”

Rey laughed aloud, bitter and sarcastic, “Maybe, if you _actually_ train me how I want to be trained.”

“Rey-“

“Oh for _frack’s sake!”_ She could not summon the saber, and faced the startled man in frustration. “Attack me.”

He heard her, but his face was one of incomprehension.

“Dammit, Ren, _attack me!”_ Rey practically snarled at him.

In a heartbeat, Kylo had ignited his saber and swung it at her viciously.

The adrenaline surged through her, and Rey was elated to feel the metal hilt form in her hands, easily deflecting the blow with her yellow blades.

Understanding dawned on Kylo’s face when he noticed her joyed expression, and the hiss of his deactivating saber pulled her attention to him. He was rolling his left shoulder, easing the ache of the injury there.

“I’m impressed,” he said quietly, “Not a lot of Sith from the old times ever caught on so quickly in the holocrons I’ve read. But you, you understood the nature of the beast in a mere day-” Rey detected a hint of gloom in his tone, but it could have been fatigue. “-You’ve been searching for a while, haven’t you? All this time with Luke and all you’ve wanted is the pressure under which the Force blooms in its entirety.”

“Something like that,” Rey answered, keep her tone even and blasé.

Kylo cleared his throat, “I know the feeling all too well, but I’m afraid Lightning and Choke…Rey they’re not really the kind of thing that’s suitable taught in th-“

Rey snorted derisively, “How did _you_ learn then, Kylo?”

His silence told her everything she needed to know, and her sardonic expression bore an equally mordant laugh.

“Exactly.”

Kylo frowned at her in response, and Rey sighed at his long pause.

“Fine then, if you won’t teach me _yet-_ because you will whether you like it or not- then can you at least teach me Juyo form?”

His indignant expression at her demand fell to one of relief that she had dropped the Lightning issue.

“…Or is your shoulder bothering you too much?” she asked, a worried lilt she never intended leaking into her words.

He shook his head, “The wound is merely infected, and unfortunately rips open again with every training session I have. It is deep, and was made with a weapon intended to cause lasting infliction of pain. Nothing I can’t manage, and nothing you need to concern yourself about. It will heal when it heals-“ But then he regarded her in confusion. “-Luke didn’t teach you all of the forms?”

“Luke hasn’t taught me a lot of things,” Rey grumbled, “Juyo is the only form he’s omitted though. Apparently-“ She drawled now in her annoyance. “It’s just far too-“

“Aggressive,” he interrupted her with a crooked smile, his eyes still troubled. His voice lilted with his changing expressions, and Rey was having a hard time remaining so impersonal.

The mask he had first worn made so much more sense to Rey now, even with its excessive voice modulator. This man was incapable of hiding his own emotions.

“Can you teach me Juyo or not?” Rey said a bit too forcibly through clenched teeth, the frustration actually directed at herself, and not the man in front of her.

The emotion fell from his face and Kylo gave a sharp nod, spinning his lightsaber as he reactivated it.

Rey brandished hers in response, dropping into a Niman starting pose.

Kylo appraised her figure before nodding gain, “Niman is a good form to start with when learning Juyo. The difference is that Niman utilises the Force to buffer attacks, whereas Juyo just employs momentum and concise direction thereof-“ He moved his footing from Niman to Juyo to show her the shift, and she copied him. “-Think of it rather as using normal melee blades. No Force, no enhancement, just the bare flurry of blades.”

He chopped at her three times in quick succession, and it was only by sheer luck that she blocked his blows each time, just rocking her double-bladed saber to parry each alternate attack.

“Don’t ever keep your blade stationary!” He swiped again, but this time she allowed her weapon to follow the curve of her previous movement, and it smoothly deflected his jagged blade. “Good. Remember, momentum is your ally in this form. While the Force could aid your acrobatics in Niman, it is up to your own strength to keep the ferocity of Juyo going.”

As if to prove his point, Kylo attacked her three times again, but then added a fourth swipe.

The force of his first three strikes had made her face too far left, and the fourth caught her cleanly along her ribs as she lost the power to swing back in time.

Rey hissed at the pain as she picked herself up from the kneeling defence she had landed in, but was happy to see that the sanguine glow of his saber still illuminated her peripherals. He was not deactivating.

There was just one thing.

“Don’t hesitate!” Rey spat at him, “Don’t you dare go easy on me! I’m not out yet.”

And so he cleaved downwards to her exposed back, but Rey managed to roll out of the way and onto her feet, ignoring the fire-lit nerves over her side. She smiled at him from behind a swirling yellow saber, and the sparks of his own jammed into the metal floor.

She did not miss the ghost of reluctance flicker from his face, and it caused her grin to dim.

Rey gave her body a tiny shake, and allowed her perplexity at him build as vexation. She drew on this, and this time she was the one to attack, copying the way he had held himself but adapting it to her double-handed hold.

He deflected her with ease, and caught her across her thigh when she left herself open again, watching as she stumbled to the ground but again recovered quickly and blocked he next vaguely unwilling strike.

Rey could feel as Kylo became less and less tentative, and rightly so. Rey could take the beating. She needed to. She needed to become _more._

Kylo snagged her right shoulder, and then nicked her shin in a two-flick flourish.

Rey exclaimed wordlessly in anger. But not at him. Never at him, it seemed. At her own ineptitude.

His own resolute expression faltered to one of minor concern, “Rey, let me-“

“No!” She found an opening and kicked him squarely on the chest, sending him back into the wall.

He barely raised his saber in time to block her flipped-over strike, eyes widened in...Wonder?

Rey wavered herself at that, and their roles were reversed as Kylo launched her into the opposite wall, hounding her as he had before.

“Well you certainly have the chaotic nature of the technique down,” he sneered, pressing both their blades closer to her face, “Now, _master it.”_

Rey could feel the heat of the red and yellow energy, so close was it to her cheek.

Her breath was coming in short gasps, and it was taking all of her strength to hold his saber at bay. Even then, he was gaining ground on her.

Kylo’s eyes softened, and he leaned his face in closer, disquieting Rey further.

“ _Mean it,_ Rey. Throw me off. Use your frustration to break free,” his voice petered out to barely a whisper, “Hate me.”

Rey cried out, ducking to the floor and deactivating her lightsaber simultaneously, rolling out from under him and leaping to her feet. Quick as a viper, she ignited her saber as she spun and sliced across his back as the spin completed. One side’s hit flipped him to face her, the other caught him across his torso even though she tried to stop it from connecting.

Rey stood there panting, the saber poised behind her back, her knees bent in readiness. But she was in shock. She studied the man on the floor, his saber dead at his side, hands folded over his gut wound, and face turned up to her. If he felt pain, he did not show it. In fact, he smiled.

The look in his eyes was definitely wonder, covetous in nature.

His robe was darkening at the shoulder, and Rey had to remind herself that even though it seemed real here, it was not so in reality. She needn’t feel remorse, even if that wasn’t the case.

Rey struggled to school her features into an unfeeling mask, but she could not stop her eyes from flicking over his prone body and smirking face; deep eyes crinkled at the corners by the smile, and lips curved with its sincerity.

Shakily, Rey straightened up and deactivated her saber. Kylo on the other hand, got up as if nothing bothered him. Rey was still staring at the place where he had been moments before when he pried the saber out of her clenched hand.

“An adequate performance, I’d say.”

His voice was measured, and it was a feat that Rey was able to focus on his voice at all.

Hate him. He _wanted_ her to hate him? Or was that just a trick to incite a reaction?

Rey had always assumed she hated him. It was an easy decision to make, really. He had killed the first person to ever insert themselves into her life as a fatherly figure. He had nearly killed her first real friend. He was her enemy.

That was enough to hate him, everything else she felt towards him was simply muddled surplus, was it not?

Of course it was.

But why would he ask her to hate him?

Kylo crossed his arms in front of her, and Rey finally focussed on his form. His face. She kept her blank expression.

“Your control is sloppy at best, but this can be bettered rather easily.”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, “I thought the whole point of this impulse thing was winging it? Uncontrolled as impulse is?”

“That’s a very good way to get yourself killed-“ Rey made an indignant noise in the back of her throat, but he kept going, “its controlled chaos, Rey. You harness your emotion, using it on impulse to fuel the Force inside of you, but it is always directed with control. An understandably confusing concept, what with Juyo being a form that is messy and frenzied by nature, but there is method behind everything.”

Rey tilted her head in silent acknowledgment, and Kylo gritted his jaw. She fixed him with a piercing stare.

“Hate you?” she asked quietly, a single crease between her eyebrows.

Though Kylo rolled his eyes, Rey was not oblivious of his balk at her inquiry.

“Hate is the strongest emotion we have. I have done more than enough to you to warrant it, and it will only help you grasp these concepts easier,” he explained, waving his hands as if to dismiss her, “Hate is explosive, it’s fluid, and it’s never in one form. It is the closest thing we can feel to the nature of the Force.”

It all sounded just as preachy as that holocron praising the Jedi had sounded.

“Did Snoke feed you that propaganda?” Rey resorted back to an easy jeer.

He cocked his head in amusement, riling her, “Perhaps.”

“Do you believe it?”

His smugness wavered, showing the raw uncertainty underneath if only for a moment.

“Not all of it.” His tone indicated the topic was not open for further discussion.

Rey would humour him, for now.

She crossed her arms in equally as arrogant a stance, and fixed her expression into that of a defiant smirk.

“Well, you’ve imparted you pearls of Sith Wisdom. Going to send me on my way now? Like a good little student?”

As much as she wanted to goad him into further instruction, the tiredness around his eyes still struck a chord within her, and she could not bring herself to push that particular issue.

Kylo’s quirked smile intensified, and he took her face in his hands, no doubt revelling in the look of shock that must have crossed her features.

“Of course. Go and meditate on how you’re taking up with your sworn enemy, and just how poetically Sith-like that actually is.”

Rey yanked her face from his hands and took a wide step back, glaring at him. Was there no end to his baffling ways? If he was aiming to antagonise her, he was doing a stellar job of it.

Kylo sighed, and knelt on the floor with his eyes shut and head bowed, gesturing for her to join him. She did, but she continued to stare at him in belligerence.

He cracked his eyes open a little and peeked at her from under his lashes, “This is when you close your eyes, good little student.” Kylo’s tone was teasing under all the stringent indifference, causing an unwelcome stir in Rey’s own rickety insouciance.

She quickly closed her eyes, choosing not to respond.

Kylo breathed heavily, ending in a little huff at her lack of response.

She soon felt herself fade into the welcoming limbo of sleep.

“I’ll see you soon, Rey.”

He spoke so softly, she did not think she was meant to hear it at all.


	17. Abscond

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my previous chapters I made the terminology error of using ‘Makashi’ instead of ‘Juyo.’  
> This has now been rectified and I’m sorry my Star Wars Nerd had to backtrack and fix. Just for my own peace of mind XD

**_Chapter 17: Abscond_ **

Rey wasn’t saying the past ten days were _ideal._ But they were pretty fracking close.

During the day she would train with Luke, and during the night she would train with Kylo. Luke was none the wiser about the meetings, yet treated her with growing suspicion day after day. Thankfully, Kylo had started teaching her advanced control of the Force after she had accidentally thrown him into a Force Cyclone instead of merely throwing him away.

That had been the ice-breaker Rey was aching for, and he had quickly gotten her to master Force Cyclone, and Stasis.

Oh, _Stasis._

Now that had been fun. He had allowed her to use him as a target instead of the torture equipment he would otherwise lob at her, and it had been such sweet poetic justice when she had finally forced him still.

He had been impressed, and had asked her to release him and try again. Rey had just smiled at him. When a disgruntled expression graced his face, with even the tiniest bit of fear in his eyes, she had packed out laughing and had to hold her sides with the effort. Only once she was doubled up on the floor did her concentration falter enough for Kylo to break free, and he had regarded her with wary respect the rest of the training session, after declaring she did not need more practice with Stasis.

They had struggled to train much more that night, and even Kylo had chuckled at her sporadic giggles whenever she could not hold it in.

But he was always so incredibly tired, and when she had found out it was entirely due to his lack of sleep by means of liaising the meetings, Rey managed to convince Kylo to teach her how to support the illusion. He would not allow her to take more than two nights. She had pushed it to three.

It was entirely because she wanted a lucid teacher, of course.

Rey hadn’t wanted to, but she had thoroughly enjoyed his praise when she successfully sustained a training session, and had felt proud of herself when next she saw him, Kylo looked much healthier. She finally felt as if she was appreciated, and doing something _right._ So what if it was a Dark Jedi giving her the adoration? His opinion still mattered, didn’t it? At least as far as her skills went, naturally.

It had all given her the strength to withstand Luke’s growing detachment, and rejection. The only reason Rey had not spontaneously combusted during their moribund sessions was because of what Kylo taught her in her sleeping hours. That, and Poe’s handy pazaak trick.

Last night, she had been elated when he told her she had matched him in control of Juyo, and he had acquiesced to _consider_ teaching her Lightning. Rey was still holding out on showing Kylo the trick, at least until he followed through on the Lightning.

The only thing that bothered her about any of it was that Kylo’s shoulder seemed to not be healing at all. It shouldn’t trouble her. Hell, she should by all rights be happy that he was suffering. But Rey could not bring herself to enjoy his every flinch and grimace as the wound was aggravated. Whenever she had tried to broach the subject though, he had brushed her off.

Torn open in training again, he would say.

Festering infection, he would say.

Katarn bullkark, she would think, but he would leave her no room to press the issue.

_“It’s not hurting you, I have it under wraps. Therefore, it is not a problem.”_

Stubborn idiot. Then why not just _let_ it hurt her? If he was going to suffer, surely he would rather have her suffer too?

 _Perplexing,_ stubborn idiot, she amended.

Rey snorted in irritation at the thoughts as she walked out into the warm courtyard, washed in greens and yellows by the light that filtered through the jewel leaves above.

Rey loved this yard, just not the activities that would take place therein.

To think, a few weeks ago she had been elated to be here and learn from Luke Skywalker. Now she’d rather be anywhere else.

Luke barely greeted her as he initiated their sparring for the day. Why did he even bother anymore, with his mind seemingly made up about her? It would be less painful to jump off the temple’s spinneret onto the rocks below.

By now, his only moves were defensive, using his lightsaber more as a shield than a weapon, taking Rey’s blows strike for strike, but somewhat struggling.

She was not even trying.

To Luke, she was ‘far too brash’ and ‘distracted, like Ben’.

Two days ago, she had asked Luke when she could build a saber of her own, both in the hopes that it would incite some passion in the man, and that she might be able to progress. He had refused her, ‘just like Ben, far too impatient’. Luke kept on saying that all this _emotion_ proved she was not ready.

At first, he had taken it all in his stride, gently guiding her to be more serene. Lately, Luke was more and more withdrawn, almost hiding from her.

He was apprehensive, dismayed, afraid, and constantly wore an expression as if he were watching the same bad holovid repeat itself.

This angered Rey to no end. She was _not_ like Ben- like Kylo Ren- at _all._

Who was Luke to impose this on her? Was this just a fracking hallmark of the whole family? Leia saying Rey reminded her of herself. Luke saying Rey reminded him of his nephew. Even Chewie, Finn, and Poe had their moments of surrogating her.

 _Everyone_ saying the Force this, and the Force that, as if Rey did nothing by herself.

When would anyone see _her?_

“Rey!” Luke pulled her focus back to the match, and she was being entirely too aggressive.

Ice spiked in her gut as she eased off on the strikes. Rey sincerely hoped she had not slipped into Juyo Form. It could prove perilous to her secrecy.

She went through the motions of Shii-Cho and Niman, allowing her thoughts to wander again.

Well, everyone except Kylo. He knew the struggle of fighting the puppet strings she had really only recently become entangled in. What had it been? A month? Rey did not know.

Either way, Luke was too much the poster child of a Lightsider to understand why she _needed_ to be able to know the Dark, to beat it. And not just _it._ Rey needed to understand the Force as a whole, to beat its hold on her as a whole.

Only these training sessions with Kylo had kept the night terrors at bay. She knew that when they stopped, so the nightmares would return. Rey was still so far away from being able to overcome them, and she did not know if she would realise at all when she could. All she could do was keep learning in the hopes that something would fix her.

Not even Kylo was free of them, Rey thought bitterly, but he seems a slave to the Dark. Luke couldn’t help him, and he was a slave to the Light.

Was it possible to be of both?

Rey would just _make_ it so.

And _nothing_ would stop her from finding relief.

She flurried her warblade in three quick, spinning, chops. There was vindictive fire in her heart.

And Luke fell to the floor with a grunt, clutching his right arm.

Rey could only watch in alarm as red blossomed from under his clenched finger. She was frozen in place.

Oh no.

Chewie’s faint purr of worry helped bring Rey out of her trance, and she knelt by Luke’s side, hesitating to touch him for fear of his reaction.

“Luke…I-I’m-“

To her complete astonishment, he grabbed her hovering hand, and allowed her to help him to his feet.

When he looked at her, it was not with anger, or resentment.

It was penetrating grief.

His eyes were watery, and his face was pulled taught into the creases of his frown.

Rey could not speak any more. She knew she had slipped. She knew she had just used Juyo on Master Luke, a form she had no way of knowing.

“I don’t-“ His voice was weak at first, then he cleared his throat. It did nothing to hide the quiver of heartache in his tone. “-I don’t want to know from what darkness you learnt _that._ But I think I have a good enough idea.”

Her heart sunk, terror digging its frigid fingers into her skull.

“This…This insanity that has been attacking you since your arrival- This _energy-_ You have allowed yourself to succumb to it, in spite of all the Light this planet held onto.” Luke glanced wistfully around the courtyard. “All that Light has been tainted now by whatever you have let take root in your mind.”

Any other moment, Rey would have been ready to spit fire, but not now. She had hurt him.

“You win, Rey. We’re leaving. Perhaps with the Resistance, and something to fight for, you will have more luck rinsing yourself of this Dark influence, and remain steadfast in the Light.”

He left her then, as he had many times before, standing in the wake of his disapproval.

Chewie rubbed her shoulder with a gentle paw.

 _[Do not fret, Little One. I do not believe what Luke says. The same thing was said many times during the Jedi’s time, and I never saw it amount to anything beyond stigma.]_ When she remained unresponsive, he pulled her into a consuming embrace. _[Bad people do bad things. You are not a bad person. I think he has been on his own for far too long. In my youth, it was a great commendation to the teacher if the student managed to draw his blood. Not a sign of evil.]_

“Thank you Chewie,” she managed to whisper back. He made her feel just a little better.

_[And now we get to go home, at last. If anything, you knocked some sense into him!]_

Chewie seemed entirely unbothered by what Luke had said. If anything, he appeared very proud of his Little One once he saw that Luke’s injury was minor.

Though Rey shared his sentiment, she was not as enthused as she wished to be.

Rey wanted control over the Force, and this was not control.

She had lost her focus. She had lost the balance between deliberate and impulse.

Chewie’s gentle tug on her arm prompted her to move, else she was sure she would have stood there till nightfall.

Sluggishly, she made her way towards her chambers, and packed her things in a daze.

By the time she got back to the _Falcon,_ the others were already there. Luke held the leather wrap in his hands that he had enclosed his old lightsaber in on her first day.

Chewie and R2 boarded, but Luke stopped her as she neared the ramp.

He handed her the leather pouch, and she took it with unsteady hands.

“You take this, and think on it. Use this trip to focus on it and _why_ you sought me out in the first place. Think on the function of the saber, and the function of a Jedi. Think on _why_ it’s preferable to use such a weapon as a shield rather than a sword.” His eyes dug deep into her own, locking her in place. “Think on the why. Then see where your current motives stand.”

“Yes…” she coughed to clear her throat of the bubble that had lodged itself there, and referred to him by his title vocally for the first time in a while, “Yes, Master Luke.”

His eyes tightened in unknown emotion, and Rey breathed a sigh of relief when he broke his gaze and entered the ship. She followed without a word, and dropped the saber on her bunk before heading to the cockpit. Mercifully, Luke had picked the other barracks already, so Rey would get to use the same bunk.

What she did not expect was Luke sitting in the co-pilots seat, running his hands over the console. His shoulders were shaking.

Chewie was not there, and Rey slunk away, apparently unnoticed.

She locked herself in her barracks, and let herself drop to the floor, back resting against her bed. Her mind was blank.

It was a while before the engines started, but soon Rey could feel the smooth caress of hyperspace.

Not even a minute passed as they hurtled at lightspeed before a presence familiar as the warmth of a sun swelled in the back of her mind. It seemed the vacuum Luke had created had an effect after all, a diminishing one. The connection felt so much stronger than before.

Rey knew she should have shoved it out. She knew she should have counted those cards. But at this moment, there was no helping the way she gravitated towards his presence, almost curling up to it with her own strained mind.

His incredulity was short lived before he welcomed the contact of her consciousness.

 _Is it just me, or did you suddenly become a lot…Louder?_ She asked him.

 _It’s not just you- Are you alright, Rey?_ He gave pause for a beat. _You seem…Ill._

Rey pushed her memories across, too staggered to try form too many descriptive words into a cohesive sentence just yet.

As he saw them, his emotions made dips and loops, but Rey could not get a read on any of them.

When he spoke again, it was with a tender concern she had not heard in a while. _Would you rather skip today’s lesson?_

The haze in her head gave way to shock. _No! No, thank you but, no. I want to have the lesson._

He seemed dubious.

 _Kylo, please._ Rey hoisted herself onto the bed, and lay on her side, hugging the blanket to her body. _I need the lesson. I need to work this out of my system._

 _Despite what I may say, it’s not always the best thing to do._ He was still unconvinced.

 _Are you telling me to not listen to your instruction?_ She asked sarcastically.

_I’m asking you to take better care of yourself._

Rey was taken aback, and it took a long moment for her to respond. _Please. Just initiate the illusion._

She could feel him relent before he said a word. _Fine, I’ll humour you with the illusion. But no promises about a lesson._

_Remember what I said, Ren. Don’t you dare go easy on me._

_I’m not-_

She could feel the trick begin to take her now.

- _But I would like to keep my student alive for as long as possible. Your attitude isn’t exactly the most interconnected with survival._

She didn’t bother to answer.

Rey was anxious, she was distressed, and she had far too much repressed energy.

Even with the slow creeping of the illusion on her limbs, she felt like a tightly coiled spring ready to snap if it wasn’t let loose.

She needed to learn more. And what better method to learn control over chaos than Force Lightning?

Kylo was going to feel the brunt of this suppression.

Kylo was going to teach her Lightning _tonight._ Whether he wanted to, or not.


	18. Fissure

**_Chapter 18: Fissure_ **

Rey regained consciousness just in time to brace herself against the wall she was flung into, and turned to meet the eyes of a _very_ angry Kylo Ren, arms crossed and standing on the other side of the room.

“ _No.”_ He forced the words out, loaded with strain and averseness.

Rey cast a sugar-sweet smile his way, realising he had heard her thoughts loud and clear as she had slipped under.

“ _Yes.”_

His shoulders tensed at her placating, but still insistent tone. Though his voice softened, his face still remained steely, “Absolutely not-“

“But you said you would consider it.”

“And I still am. With the way you’re responding lately, I’m leaning more towards ‘not in a thousand Galactic Cycles’.” Kylo let his arms fall and wiped a bare hand over his face. He was still wearing more casual robes. “What is _wrong,_ Rey? You feel…” A muscle jumped in his jaw as he clenched his teeth, “You feel like _I_ do most days.”

“Don’t you _dare_ say that,” Rey snarled at him, allowing the venom from the past few hours to seep into her voice, “I am _not_ like _you._ I am _not_ like Leia. And as much as Luke tries, I will _not_ be _‘like’_ him! I am not _like_ anyone-” His face broke from its stern façade as her voice rose in hysteria, seeming to ponder whether to move towards her or not, “-I am _me-”_ Her voice cracked, and she felt the comforting metal of her saber materialise in her hand. “-and yet all everyone ever seems to do is make me out to be something else.”

Rey was breathing hard with the exertion of her outburst, and Kylo was watching her with a careful, but faintly forlorn expression.

“You are your own person, Rey-“

She laughed sardonically, interrupting him, “Oh indeed? Being so ‘like’ everyone else? Even the Force gives me memories that aren’t my own!”

Kylo’s face split in hurt then, but he continued speaking with a gentle tone, “The Force is a single thing, Rey, and though it changes, it is the same as it runs through every one of us. But it _never_ defines who we are.”

Rey tossed her head as she rolled her eyes, “Try telling that to the demons waiting to claw into my head again.”

“I’ve said it to my own every single night.”

“And yet,” she threw her hands up in exasperation, unintentionally sending pieces of equipment flying with bursts of the Force, “Here you stand! The great would-be-Sith! Abandoned your family. Killed your _father._ And for what?”

He flinched at every word she spat at him, and didn’t even try to dodge the small pieces of debris that had spiralled his way. A small part of Rey wanted to stop, but she barrelled on.

“A little bit more black in your heart? Power?”

He had had enough, and glared at her with fire in his eyes, “An _end_ to the nightmares.”

Rey faltered, pressing her lips together and considering him with a sceptical look on her face.

Kylo sighed and continued, the fire fading and instead being replaced by unguarded fear, “By beating out my weakness, the nightmares should fade.”

His tone told her he was just as unconvinced at this point as she was.

It struck her how, when he met her eyes now, _Ben Solo_ flashed through her mind. She quickly snuffed out the thought.

“And _you?”_ He targeted her with a broken but still piercing gaze, “What’s _your_ excuse for delving so deeply- so wholly- into the Darkness? The dreams? Lust? Are your motives still as pure as they were the first day?”

Rey made an indignant noise in the back of her throat, Luke’s injury flashing before her eyes, her anger, her lack of control, and her _dreams._

Kylo watched her expression change, and she saw him nod in understanding, “The same reason.”

She was about to protest, but he beat to her speech, holding up his hand to pause her.

“I’m not detracting from your own, very valid pain, Rey. And I know you want to learn to control the Force. But I know that’s not the end of it, because I _recognise_ your struggle. I know it very well-“ Her anger waned, and a terrible sorrow blocked her throat. “-You’re trying to free yourself from your terrors. But Rey…Forcing yourself into such intense an act as _Lightning-_ Just to try _make_ yourself control the raw energy within you- is nothing short of madness.”

Her eyes had dropped to the floor, away from his dreadfully imploring expression. What happened to training with an iron fist? What happened to tough routines?

“What happened to ‘make it so’?” Rey asked weakly, clenching her fists at her sides, and forcing herself to meet his gaze once more with a defiant expression of her own.

He did not answer her, and simply stared at her with that same beseeching look.

She could not break eye contact, and they remained in a silent argument for an immeasurable span of time.

Both were explosives that the slightest spark could set off.

They were so wrapped in each other, that it evaded their attention that all loose objects in the room were levitating in erratic tension. This was not only a loss of _her_ control.

Kylo broke first, face crumpling in reluctance as he strode towards her.

“Activate your saber.”

“To use the Force?”  She cocked a brow, not backing down as he towered over her.

“ _Do it.”_ He grabbed her hand that was clenched around the weapon and lifted it between them.

She did as he said, but still they did not break eye contact as their faces were highlights by a yellow glow.

He moved her arm till she was holding the saber vertically in front of her, and reached for her other hand.

Kylo did not manhandle her. His touch was unerringly tender as he folded her loose hand around the saber’s hilt, and shifted her hands further apart and to the edges for better grip.

“What are you doing?” she asked through a swollen throat as he slowly backed away to his previous position.

“Compromising. You want to learn by taste. I don’t want to attack you unfairly. I will _not_ electrocute you while you stand without a clue of what to expect,” his voice shook despite his attempt to be firm, “Therefore, I will first teach you how to easiest combat such an assault. Catch the Lightning with your blade.”

She was about to protest, but he cut her off.

“I won’t argue with you, Rey. We do it this way or not at _all,_ do you understand?”

Rey nodded mutely, and readied her feet apart, knees bent. She saw his Adam’s apple bob with a difficult swallow even across the room. His face was shadowed with anxiety, and a whisper of loathing.

Kylo copied her stance, and raised his hands with his fingers flexed.

Nervous anticipation pooled in Rey’s gut as she waited for the onslaught, and it only increased at Kylo’s hesitation. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his jaw clenching in concentration.

Was he truly having to work himself up to do this? Should it not come easily?

His eyes snapped open, but he was no longer looking at her. He stared at the space around her, and his fluid emotions rested in unwilling determination.

Had Rey not been so keenly focused on him, she would have missed the spark ignite between his fingertips before thick, iridescent beams of crackling energy jumped jaggedly towards her. As the white-blue arcs hit her saber’s yellow blades, Rey felt herself slide back at the force, and readjusted herself to a steadier footing.

It was a great effort to keep the saber in her hands, and an even more taxing one to tilt the weapon forward to best attract wayward sparks. Her arms shook with every surge in the savage lightning.

Kylo’s eyes locked with hers again. They were wide, and terrified.

“How do you do it?” Rey called over the cacophony of snaps and cracks.

His eyebrows knit in misgiving.

“How!”

He swayed his head, much like he had so long ago, just before claiming he could ‘take whatever he wanted.’

At this moment, he looked nothing like that man.

He twisted his lips and faced her again, face flickering in the light. Once more, he arranged his expression before he spoke. This time, he was staunch.

“As with everything, emotion! Feeling! You have to mean it.”

“Mean what, exactly?” Rey wobbled as the arcs became more forceful.

Kylo’s features were schooled, but his eyes progressively less so.

“Anything. Hate, anger, fear, resentment, vindication. _Anything.”_ There was a crack in his poise that he quickly rectified, “But you have to _mean it._ There has to be venom. It has to make you taste metal on your tongue. Lightning feeds from chaos, and so it drains your own. You have to _mean_ it, and sustain it.”

As he spoke, the reach of each electric tendril increased, and Rey gasped as one licked her forearm. The fingers of energy receded at her outcry, and Kylo’s frontage broke completely. Horror cut through his face, but Rey would not let him back down so quickly, even though her whole body was vibrating with the force of the Lightning, and the sickly smell of burnt flesh teased her nostrils.

“Don’t!” she called to him, perhaps in a slight panic, “Don’t you back down now!”

So you needed a source and a target? And he was able to amass Lightning against her, though it did take some effort. Was he drawing on an emotion against her? Was he using _her?_

His face was pained, and his voice raised, “Rey this is enough!”

“No!” she refuted, yanking the saber back into place when one arc almost ripped it from her hands.

“Please! If you want reprieve that badly,” he was beyond expatiating his voice now. Now, he was begging her, “then fight me hand to hand. Beat me with your fists, whatever you want, just _stop_ this!”

The tendrils of berserk energy were slowly but surely spreading down the blades with their prolonged exposer, and arced onto the metal of the hilt. Rey bit back another yelp as her hands were assaulted by the power. She would handle this, she would take it.

“And you? What do you use?” Rey could not tell if she was being spiteful, or genuinely curious.

“Rey, stop!”

“Who do you _hate_?” A mix of both, really.

“Please!”

Kylo’s eyes were tightened in helplessness now, and his lips quivered as he spoke. Again her mind stung her with a single thought at his vulnerable face.

_Ben Solo._

The Force Lightning encircled her upper arms now, and scorched her with a fury.

“ _Who?!”_ Rey screamed the question both in pain, and frustration.

Her knees buckled as the brilliant whit-blue light danced across her skin, even as its source failed.

Her lightsaber fell from her hands.

But before she could hit the floor, Kylo had followed the trail of the last chaotic yaw, only to take her damaged hands in his and allow her to collapse against him.

His fingers glided over the burnt flesh, frantically soothing it wherever he found a welt. Rey had not even caught her breath before his frantic grasping gave way to a clutching embrace, her wounded arms folded in between their bodies.

Rey felt his heart beating heavily against his chest, and let him hold her as her addled brain caught up to what was happening. This could happen for now. She was too spent to do anything about it, and as much as it should have bothered her, his embrace was oddly comforting,

His hands flitted from massaging her upper arms and shoulders to rubbing her back. She may have heard an ‘I’m sorry, so sorry’ ghost into his breath at her ear as they sank to the floor, Kylo supporting her, but she might have been delusional.

“Who?” She asked again, cradled against him.

His only response was to lean back and look at her, but there was no mistaking the self-loathing in his dark eyes, his face contorted into a misery that was only accentuated by the mark she had given him.

Before she could stop herself, Rey slowly reached up and brushed her fingers up his jaw, and over his cheek to cup his face. His eyes fluttered closed as a breath of release escaped his parted lips as Rey skimmed her thumb over the scar.

She let her other battered hand wander to his left shoulder, nudging the cloth of his robe and the bandage aside in order to lay her palm over a raw portion of the wound there.

His sharp intake of breath had her wondering what in the name of the Force she was doing, but Rey pushed those thoughts aside.

He had done her a favour tonight, she would do him one in return.

Rey rested her cheek on the back of the hand that was on his chest, still keeping the other ghosting his face.

She felt him out in the force, but the positioning she got was not of their precarious embrace. No, she felt him kneeling on cold stone, surrounded by a slab for a bed, four bare walls, and a barricaded door. Her lips curved into a smile when she realised that this would actually work. So, she began mending the torn, bruise, and infected flesh of the ghastly injury.

His body tensed at the sensation, and he was still holding her tight.

“That won’t work, Rey,” his voice was as a whisper lost to the wind, broken and overwhelmed, “Nothing physical that happens here will affect us in reality.”

Then why run to my aid at all?

“This is not entirely physical,” she said instead, “Healing…You first have to feel the target in the Force. Feel where the person’s head, body, arms, and legs are. Then you find the eyes, nose, fingers, and finer features. After, you find the injury, the interruption that should not be there, and you use hone in on every fibre, every nerve, and every cell present in the Force-“ Rey allowed herself to peek up at him, only to find his eyes still shut, but his face serene apart from a single crease of rapt concentration in his brow. “-You’ll find that, on that level, the cells have already begun to repair themselves. All you need to do is hasten that process, and incite production of pain-reducing enzymes and hormones as you go…”

Her body was swaying gently with every breath Kylo took, and her words trailed off as the healing took her concentration. Rey would have to thank Master Luke for teaching her this. In truth, she had a lot to thank him for, now that her pent up, stifling vexation had been sapped from her body.

“How can you think this will have any effect?” Kylo asked after a long pause wherein only their breathing had marred the silence.

Rey raised her head as the last skin of the Force-presence Kylo had been stitched together and smoothed over.

Her eyes flicked over his face, from her hand on his scar, to his lips, and eyes.

She answered him quietly, “Because the Force doesn’t position you here. It has you in a small, scant room- I’m guessing your chambers- And that means it will affect you _there.”_

He shook his head in disbelief, and she could feel her consciousness slipping.

“Sending me away so soon?”

He did not respond, but he did not let her go from his embrace, either.

He held her there, till she faded away, the whisper of a “Thank you” on his lips.

***

Kylo Ren did not move when he opened his bleary eyes to his own room.

He stayed frozen in place on the floor, ignoring the summoning knocks on the door.

 _What_ was he doing? What had he _done?_

He should not feel so strongly for her. He should have felt nothing when the Lightning _she_ had pleaded for, had burned her.

But Kylo knew he would never be able to erase that sight from his mind.

He also knew, in spite of his greatest efforts, he would have to go through with his original plan. If not for her salvation, for his own too. It would simply not do for them act in such a manner towards the other. It was a weakness. A failing.

She had asked him what he used as his source. She had asked him who he hated.

His own weakness. Himself.

Was it always destined to come to this? Would he even be able to bring himself to do it to her? Break her?

And she, Rey, had even tried to _heal_ him.

It made Kylo’s face convolute into a bitter, skewed mock of a smile, and he tore his robe open in a fit, taking the bandage with it. There would only be angry, puckered red to greet him after all.

He stared at his shoulder for a while.

A wet droplet tickled his marred cheek, and soiling the otherwise dusty floor.

He was looking at a silvery scar.


	19. Comity

**_Chapter 19: Comity_ **

Electricity coursed through Rey’s veins, and it had nothing to do with the Lightning she had devoured.

She could still feel him over the bond; His anguish, his disbelief.

His repulsion.

Rey had heard him in his lapse of control, and now here she sat. Her mind was a mess, grappling to find a handle on her thoughts but essentially grasping at air.

What she kept coming back to, however, was the fact the he did not hate her. After what she had seen so blatantly displayed on his face, his feelings on her were everything but.

Rey was struggling to accept it.

Only, no, she could accept that Kylo did not hate her. What she could not assent was that it made her feel…

But now she could not feel him anymore. He had shut her out just as the grief had reached a peak she almost could not withstand. The emptiness left her with a poignant worry for the man. What had affected him so?

Rey took a deep, shaky breath in utter relief as a knock on the door roused her from those thoughts.

“It’s open, you can come in!”

Rey didn’t know how long she had been out, but it was typical for Chewie to come and check up on her, often in jubilation at her lack of terrors. She was not expecting to be looking up at Master Luke.

He regarded her with a calmer gaze than before, much more akin to how he had looked when she first met him.

“May I sit with you?”

Rey nodded mutely, gesturing to the bunk opposite her.

He sat on the floor with her instead, meeting her at eye level.

“Rey, I want to, uh-“ he wet his lips nervously, the furrow in his brow deepening in his search for the right words, “I want to apologise. The role of a Jedi is to help those in need, and I have been less than helpful of late. You have been touched by the Dark and influenced by it, that much is certain. But it is not my place to treat you any less for it. It is my job to help you find solace and healing in the Light.”

Rey remained silent, her mind whirring away at his words, but not making any sense. Shock, disbelief, hope. Rey felt all this and more. After the last session, she so badly wanted to mend relations between herself and Luke.

She had tasted the raw power of the Dark now, and while it did appeal to her, Rey knew she would need far more self-control to be able to keep that kind of power in check.

In all honesty, she needed Luke’s guidance now more than ever. For now, now Rey knew how to harness the Dark. And she did not want to be another Ben Solo.

Luke perused her, and after finding her expression encouraging, or at least acceptable, he continued, “I fear that you will face the same disaster I did, to be taught by a patchwork of Masters and have to sew together your own identity in the Force from that. It is a difficult thing, Rey, to discern right from wrong when instructed by so many wilful souls-” He was almost pleading with her. Did he wish for her to understand his own plight? Was that a cry for forgiveness Rey heard rippling under Luke’s reticent voice?

“-The mere fact you will have to learn to control your mind tricks from any holocron you can find already made me worry for you. And I’m afraid that, seeing you give in to your anger, it was a scene I myself had witnessed far too many times and read about even more-”

Rey, in her own mind, should not have felt guilty, but she did.

“-It was a common thing to see students turn on their masters and fall to the Dark. I know I slipped in frustration many times with my own masters. Even with Master Kenobi-“ Luke’s voice broke rather suddenly, and he spent a moment clearing his throat before continuing, “I was resistant at first. I felt that the Force was far exaggerated in the tales, and though I didn’t tell him, I agreed with Han’s ‘blaster’ approach much more than I did the lightsaber. With Master Yoda, I’m sure I would have flung a rock or two at him if I’d had the patience to try levitate them properly.”

A giggle escaped Rey’s lips at Luke’s wry expression, undoubtedly recalling her incident with the garden furniture. He raised a wiry brow at her laughter, amusement glinting in his eyes.

“Rey, I was not an ideal student at all till I had my hand cut off by my father, and my best friend frozen in carbonite. By then, I was forced to cope on my own, and was left without a Master. I don’t want that for you. But I have come to realise that you are a person who would benefit much from, uh, ‘on the job’ training-“ his eyes lost their spark then, “-Ben would have too, but I was just too determined to re-establish the basic Jedi ways to focus on my students’ individual needs. The Jedi Order failed for many reasons, I think that was one of them.”

Luke fell silent, eyes glazing over with a time long past. He looked so much like Leia in that regard.

“Luke…” Rey hoped he would accept her own apology. If she was ever going to work hand-in-hand with the Resistance, she needed to have control over her own seemingly volatile abilities. “I-I want to be better at this. Letting myself get overwhelmed like that was an inexcusable thing, and I am truly sorry I disappointed you so-“

“No, Rey. You did not disappoint me,” he interrupted her with an urgency, “You just reminded me of a skill I had not yet learned- allowing for dissent, then helping heal it- and forced me to recall how that lacking made me lose one of the dearest people in my life. And then the rest, after I could not face them.”

He was small before her, folded into himself on the floor. Rey’s throat grew tight as Luke quickly brushed away a glistening tear before it could even reach his cheek.

“I am sorry, Rey. You need a pillar of strength. You need a strong, capable teacher. I used to be that man, but not for a long time now. I thought, when you showed up, I could try again, and maybe I could do it _right._ It should have been plain to me that the moment I abandoned my family, I would never be that man again,” Gradually, his voice was cracking more frequently, “And now I’ve lost one of my family for good. Quite possibly two.”

Pain akin to that of a hairline fracture made itself known in Rey’s chest.

“No, Luke, not-“ Rey gulped. Could she say this? Did she believe it?

Luke looked back up at her with bloodshot, desperate eyes.

Despite the difference in colour, they were the same eyes that Leia had begged her with, to _understand._ To believe.

Kylo’s face flashed through her mind from, so raw and out of place with _Kylo Ren._

The face she had seen was unequivocally Ben Solo.

This was good enough to make the words spill from Rey’s lips.

“Not two,” her voice was hoarse, “Not two, Luke.”

What would Kylo say about that sentiment?

Luke did not respond, but his face softened to something more hopeful than she had seen him show before.

She cleared her throat to chase the dryness away, “Can we try again, Luke? I’m going to need all the guidance possible to even have a glimmer of a chance.”

Chance to save him.

Chance to save herself.

Save him? It didn’t seem so farfetched now.

“Are you certain, Rey? I’m sure someone more capable, stable-“

“I don’t want capable or stable. I want effective, and I don’t care if I have to patchwork-learn like you did, just so long as I learn.”

“Rey-“

“There’s no such thing as institutionalised instruction in this time, Luke. It’s war. I know you’ve felt the shift, isolated as you were-“ His grim expression told her she was right. “-The Galaxy is no better off than it was when you first held a lightsaber. There’s still a big bad guy beyond everyone’s reach, using a once-Jedi to do his dirty work. One Jedi Master,” Rey pointed a finger at Luke, and then back at herself, “and one slightly out-of-depth student thrown into the way of the Force.”

Her motivational talk had the desired effect, and Luke smiled at her.

“Now,” he said, with a hint of that first merriness in his voice, “Do you think we should tell Maz she’ll have to be Yoda?”

Rey chuckled, “I think she’d feel insulted you’ve caste her so young.”

Luke laughed softly at that, and their moment of mutual peace was only interrupted when Chewie announced their decent to D’Qar.

Rey fixed Luke with a wild, speechless stare.

Had they spent _three days_ in that illusion?

Yes, sure, she had noticed jumps of two hours, maybe four or five, in between the real-time duration of the trance. But not _days._ She did not even feel hungry, nor thirsty.

He only shrugged, “You were in and out of a very deep, meditative sleep. I decided it would be best not to wake you. You seemed as if you were working through something rather…intense. But you awoke rejuvenated, so I’m happy I let you be.”

Rey continued to gape at him, her mind utterly unresponsive.

Only when the ship dipped for re-entry did Rey leap to her feet.

“We’re _home?_ Already?”

She helped Luke up, unable to keep still in her elation.

She would get to see Poe! _Finn_ would be awake!

Luke shook his head amusedly at Rey, gently handing her the leather satchel with the lightsaber. She took that, and her staff, then bolted to the cockpit to help Chewie.

Rey got there just in time to be barked at for oversleeping.

Chewie looked much better than he had when they had travelled to Ahch-To, and he sounded it too.

“Shush, Fluffball, I was…busy.”

 _[Busy sleeping, Little One,]_ he teased her, _[but I am glad! For it appears you have not suffered a terror.]_

He yanked her into a quick one-armed hug before shoving her into the co-pilot’s seat.

_[Adjust the stabilisers Little One, we have some awful turbulence.]_

“Sir, yessir.”

Rey giggled when she caught Chewbacca giving her a dirty side-glance,

“So did you talk with Luke farther?”

He gave pause before answering, _[Yes, Little One, I did.]_

He was silent again, and Rey decided not to push him.

The Wookiee surprised her by continuing, in spite of the hint of pain below his growls, _[I have, and I have decided to forgive him, Little One. I have borne much hate towards him for leaving when he did, but most of my own agony was over losing my other Little One. Ben. Both he and Leia are equal parts responsible, to a degree. But it was not them who seduced him to the Dark. It was not them who ultimately ordered Han killed. I will bare this useless grudge no longer. It becomes me ill.]_

Rey was stunned by his tremendously placid conclusion. She could certainly learn a lot of good from Chewbacca.

Then the surface of D’Qar appeared through the clouds, and Rey was positively bouncing in her seat with anticipation. Two short clicks sounded over the comms system, and Rey practically slammed her first into the transmit button.

“D’Qar Base Tower, come in Base Tower _. Millennium Falcon_ coming in for landing, are we all clear? Over.”

Her voice was quivering in her cheerfulness.

There was scuffling beyond the comm, and then an elderly female voice filled the cockpit.

“You are clear for landing, _Falcon_! Welcome home Rey my dear, welcome home!”

There was distinct whooping in the background, and Rey’s face was aching from the extent of her smile.

Chewie growled indignantly, and laughter echoed over the system.

“And you too, Chewie. Save a hug for me.” There was a beat of silence, “Please just tell me, is my darling brother going to walk out of his own free will, or are we going to be retrieving him from cargo?”

Chewie burst out in a gruff chortle, almost losing his grip on the controls.

“Negative on that, General. He’ll be walking out, though it is still unknown if it will be unaided or with, uh, _gentle_ nudging.”

There was cackling in the background. That was _definitely_ Finn.

“Oh _good!_ My boyfriend is coming home!”

That stopped Chewie’s sniggering.

“ _Maz?”_

“Why yes, Rey. I figured you would need some help in converting the old hermit. Who knows how senile he’s gone?” There was only love in her voice, and Rey was beaming all the way to touchdown.

Chewie ushered for her to go just as soon as he activated the ramp, and she didn’t need any more persuading.

Rey nearly ran head-first into a very petrified Luke Skywalker.

He steadied her as she wobbled, but his face was pale and eyes unseeing.

“Oh come now, Master Luke. You can’t be afraid now.”

His eyes met hers with dubiety, “Rey, you have not yet seen my sister _angry.”_

Rey grabbed his shoulders and turned him in the passageway, the proceeded to guide him to the ramp.

“Luke, she just wants you back. And yes, you’ve earned whatever she wishes to mete out on you- Not that she _will_ \- but…” Rey chewed on her lip, wracking her brain for _anything_ to say that would make him feel even mildly like walking down the ramp. Right now, he was almost straining against her forceful direction. “-Luke. She really just wants you back. You say you lost your family. She lost hers, too. You’re all the other had left at the moment, till we figure out what to do with…Ben…” The name was forced, and unnatural on her tongue, but Rey meant well. At least Luke was moving forward a little more readily. “Leia’s counting on you. More than anything to help the Resistance, she’s counting on you to help her son.”

It was only when they reached the top of the open ramp did he answer her, with a shaky and tentative, “All right.”

Rey left him there, to walk down on his own time. She would only push people so far. Though she supposed Kylo might be a different story.

Thankfully, Chewie and R2 had appeared behind her, so she wasn’t leaving Luke alone.

“Thank the Maker! R2 is home! And the others of course!” C-3P0

Rey was overtaken down the ramp by the rambunctious astromech droid as he beeped his way to his long-time friend. Rey herself was staggered to a slow walk when she saw that _everyone_ was in the hangar.

Leia, collected as ever but with an undercurrent of severe anticipation, Poe with a cocky smile plastered on his face and BB-8 dancing circles around his feet, and _Finn!_ Finn was standing, awake, all on his own, with a beaming grin lighting up his entire person. He was bouncing up and down, slapping Poe on the shoulder, who in return was nodding and tugging Finn’s free arm. They were mischievous trouble together, but they were her kind of trouble.

And Maz. The little wisewoman stood with a cheeky smirk lilting her delicate features, large eyes fixed on Rey’s face with probing interest.

The two droids were having an animated conversation, which sounded more like 3P0 scolding, and R2 responding with the adequate amount of sass that was just trademark of the droid.

Leia’s eyes were no longer on Rey as she reached the bottom of the ramp, and the two boys could contain themselves no longer.

Rey braced herself for impact, but not before realising that Leia was focussed on a point over Rey’s shoulder, her expression a dangerous mix of happiness and grief.


	20. Bearing

**_Chapter 20: Bearing_ **

Rey expected to be bowled over by the two men hurtling towards her. Rey was wrong.

Instead, she found herself twirling through the air as Poe reached her first, holding her close and lifting her right off her feet.

He swung her back and forth, while Finn slapped his back and demanded his turn. When Rey’s feet hit the floor again, she was not free of Poe’s arms for so much as a second before being captured in Finn’s.

He squeezed her close, mumbling incoherent sentences riddled with ‘So glad-‘, ‘-safe-‘, ‘-you’re back, you’re really-’, ‘-Poe told me _everything’._

“Oh, I’m betting he over-exaggerated,” Rey said through smiling lips, pinning the guilty-as-charged pilot with a cheeky look as she placed a quick, affectionate peck on Finn’s cheek.

Finn took a step back as Rey pushed on his shoulders, allowing her to look him up and dawn as she turned him.

“Rey, as hard as you may stare, you won’t see any of the cybernetics through my clothes.”

“Liar!” she giggled, spying a thin sliver of silvery metal at the nape of his neck, melding perfectly with the skin, and tickled it.

Finn yelped a laugh and danced away from her.

Poe laughed, his easy smirk right in place, “Finny boy is just a lil more than ticklish around those parts now! Apparently his skin sensitivity is still a little…heightened from the intrusion.”

Rey raised a brow, eyeing the two, “And you know this _how?”_

Both of them maintained perfectly innocent expressions. Suspiciously innocent expressions. They were _definitely_ a special brand of trouble together.

“Hey hey, at least Finny is perfectly healthy, right? I mean, he may set off a few more metal detectors than usual but look at him!” Poe dramatically splayed his hands in the air, moving them around a suddenly flushed Finn without actually touching him, “He’s _perfect!”_

Rey shook her head, cheeks aching from her smile.

It was so good to be home.

Rey let her gaze wander to the others once more, to see that Leia was still transfixed on the ramp, and the joy of seeing her friends again was quickly replaced by erratic nervousness.

Now, everyone except her was watching the robed man make his hesitant way down the ramp. Rey kept her eyes fixed on the General as she slowly walked towards the _Falcon._

The air was tense as the twins met face to face for the first time in over fifteen years.

Luke’s face was lined with grief, and cracked with years of regret. Leia maintained her previous composure, but the fractures in her own mask gradually began to show as the two stared each other down.

The feeling was not unlike when Rey met Luke for the first time. Both were unravelling in equally as uncontrollable a way, just barely keeping all the pent up feeling and things unsaid at bay.

Only, as they kept their eye contact, there was a tangible rigidity in the air.

Leia raised her hand to Luke’s face, and he shied away a fraction, perhaps from fear she would strike him.

But Leia was not so. She cupped Luke’s cheek, and he leaned into her touch with relief slowly chasing away the fear in his eyes.

No one in the hangar said a word, allowing the two some time to themselves, if only to find some form of handle on the situation.

Chewie descended the ramp then, giving the two a wide berth, and went to stand next to Maz. Oddly enough, Maz did not react at all, being absorbed as she was in the silent conversation that was transpiring between the Skywalker twins.

They weren’t talking to each other, no. At least, not in the sense that Rey was familiar with. But there was unspoken understanding between them, and their gaze spoke volumes for them.

Rey could see the moment that tension frayed. She could see the moment all that was wound up so tightly before, finished unravelling. The others would be able to see it by the tear that tracked down Luke’s withered cheek before Leia brushed it away.

“Leia-“ His voice was a whisper, barely audible even in the dead silence of the company.

She interrupted him, giving his head an affectionate shake with the hand that cradled it, and clasped his shoulder with the other, “I know.”

Luke’s body shook at her words, and though his voice was louder when he spoke again, his words were riddled with breaks and quivers, “I’m so- I’m so, so sorry. And I know it does nothing. I know. But I-”

Leia’s shoulders trembled, and she pulled Luke into a tight embrace, the relief and repose from such craved contact easing the lines on her face and his.

“Luke,” her tone wore that same heaviness and desperation it had when Leia had begged Rey to just understand, “Enough. You’re here now. Don’t apologise to me, _help_ me. You and I have much to discuss, but my son is still out there, and the First Order is still strong-” Leia shifted back to look at her brother, “-Let’s focus on the now, we _will_ have time to talk about what has been, later.”

“Leia- Han-“

Leia stepped back and waved her hands to and fro, silencing him, “What’s done is done,” her voice quaked, “You being here is helping me already, Luke. You being here will also inspire the rest of the troops, and you have much you can do to aid us, and not just as another soldier. I dare say Rey may be better suited to that in any case.”

Rey had to commend Leia. To be able to _joke…_ It was incredible.

And it had the desired effect.

Luke chuckled, albeit nervously, and Maz shuffled closer to the pair. Beside her, Rey could feel Poe and Finn unwind as the tension in the air dissipated.

As Leia exuded calm, so Luke relaxed too, and a familiar if not slightly rusty and stilted camaraderie filled the void left by the strain.

Rey was unsure if she would have greeted her family so kindly, but she supposed that with age and experience came a certain perspective that could not be rivalled.

Her attention was brought back to hanger when Maz roughly poked and prodded Luke while circling him, under Leia’s amused observation, “The aging of humans never ceases to amaze me. I barely recognise you, you old fossil!” It was said with the kindest of tones.

Luke was unable to resist Maz’s charm, and had to laugh at her insistent inspection of his person.

“Hmm…He’s healthy and able, if not slightly senile from years of isolation-“ Luke was about to protest, but Maz raised her hands in defence, “But that is all speculation of course! Only time will tell if his senses left him along with his courage.”

One thing that Rey thought Luke incapable of was a petulant expression, but the look he threw at Maz was nothing short of impetuous.

“Maz, that’s a low blow. Even for you,” he muttered, though he seemed to agree with her.

She flicked his leg with the back of her hand.

“You don’t get to argue.” She turned from Luke and walked in Rey’s direction, waving her hands about her head in dismissal, “You’re the person who ran away with his tail between his legs when his nephew had a bit of an angst wobble!”

The mortified but grim expression in Luke’s face made Rey snort at the absurdity of it; a failed attempt at suppressing a laugh. Even Chewie and Leia wore entertained smiles at Maz’s words and antics, stunning Rey even further.

The mere fact that they could laugh at such jesting filled Rey with an incredible optimism, in spite of her own misgivings.

Maz ginned widely at her, reaching both her arms out for a hug, and Rey knelt down to meet the little woman. She clasped Rey warmly, and Rey was suddenly very aware of the currents of the Force that, indeed, ran within this woman. Even though Maz remained mostly untrained, Rey was sure she could still prove a formidable opponent.

Leia was introducing Finn to a still-chagrined Luke, and Poe greeted him with some measure of familiarity, as if they had met before.

The little smuggler leaned back and regarded Rey with bright approval lighting her face.

“Oh Rey, I can feel your growth! It becomes you well, your Force Signature. Absolutely beautiful.”

Maz must have seen doubt in Rey’s eyes, for she quickly rubbed Rey’s shoulders and leant in to speak without the others being able to hear.

“Rey, I can see what you’ve been through. The ‘Dark’, and the ‘Light’,” If anything, Maz’s tone was almost mocking when she mentioned the sides, but became gentle and encouraging again, “I can sense your struggle. You have _grown,_ my dear. And despite what you may think, it has all done wonders for you.”

Rey still felt dubious, but she saw no trickery or lie in the woman’s sage eyes. She saw awe.

“Thank you, Maz.” Rey clenched the lightsaber satchel at her side in distraction.

Maz’s eyes flicked down to the satchel, and she gently pushed Rey’s hand aside to pull the saber from it, cackling good-naturedly as she did.

She swung around towards Luke, swinging the silver tube above her head.

“And so it is back, not in your hands as I expected, Skywalker!”

Luke looked past the lightsaber being waved in his face, his face patient, but faintly pained. “No, Maz. I have my own weapon, I have no need for another.”

“In _deed,”_ she considered them all with a smirk creasing her fine face, “Well, it would always find its way into relevance, as all powerful artefacts of the Force do. So, dear wrinkled fossil-” Maz jabbed him in the stomach with the hilt, “What purpose do _you_ think this saber will play, that prompted you to bring it with instead of leaving it in that mausoleum of a temple?”

Luke sighed, “Maz, you know as well as I that kind of thaumaturgy usually only applied to artefacts of the Dark. Take Freedon Nadd’s Shoto, for example. Only Darksiders could touch the thing.”

Maz chuckled darkly, then curled one finger at Luke for him to kneel to her level.

Cautiously, he did so. And with good reason, apparently, as Maz swatted him over the head with the hilt.

She clicked her tongue as Luke rubbed his targeted skull, casting her an indignant look. Maz’s response was to wag the tube in front of his eyes again like a reprimanding senior.

“Listen, your father killed children with this thing, you don’t get to decide!”

Luke’s brows shot into his hairline in shock, and even General Leia struggled to suppress an unladylike hoot at Maz’s brashness.

Maz continued, completely unbothered, “This thing is still around for a reason. Rey, darling,” she turned and handed the lightsaber to Rey, who dutifully took it and stowed it in her bag, “Obviously you seek your own saber and this is entirely understandable. So you just hang onto that until its next purpose becomes more apparent!” Maz clapped on her last word, and made to speak again to Luke, but Leia cut her off, still struck with humour.

“All right, Maz,” Leia said once she had recovered, “I think that’s quite enough.”

The little woman nodded reluctantly, facing the General in expectation, “Now, Leia. You mentioned something about a party, before the _Falcon_ came and gate-crashed?”

“Yes, I did,” Leia rolled her eyes, and turned to Rey, “The Resistance has recently made stunning progress, and planted outposts on several new planets. More importantly-“

“My awesome piloting skills took down a First Order blockade!” Poe could not contain himself any longer.

“And my infiltration squad killed the blockade’s nasty surprise!” Finn joined in just as excitedly.

Leia closed her eyes in patient acceptance, before smiling at Rey, who was still looking at her and trying to catch up to where the boys already were.

Rey laughed at the positively glowing expressions on Poe and Finn’s faces, “Slower, please?”

Leia took charge again, pinning the two of them with a pointed stare.

“We intercepted a message that indicated quite the overwhelming force was waiting for one of our artillery transports feeding into Dantooine. The transport was unable to change course, and the attack would have left us crippled out there had it succeeded. Thankfully, Poe was on hand to lead a sting attack, and Finn was only too willing to join the group that would have to take out the signal transmitter hidden on a nearby moon. Said transmitter would have been able to incapacitate all of the ships should the First Order have needed to resort to it-”

“And _obviously,_ we’re just too effective and pulled it off no sweat!” Rey had never seen Finn so happy.

“Quite,” Leia laughed, “During the sting operation, not only did the transport get away safely, but they managed to blow up the entire blockade. In any case, the troops insisted we celebrate the victory. It seems,” Leia turned to leave, placing a hand on Luke’s shoulder and guiding him towards the hanger entrance, “You arrived rather timeously. Impeccable as always.”

With that, Leia led Luke out of the hanger doors, and Chewie followed them after allowing Maz to clamber onto his back.

It was an odd sight, the four of them. But it made Rey smile.

Finn and Poe each grabbed one of her arms when she made no move to follow, and promptly dragged her with them, ignoring her startled squeaks of protest.

The three droids had to work hard to keep up.

“C’mon Rey, we owe you a nice return-party!” Finn beamed over at Poe when he said this, and Rey could only look on wide-eyed as her sight was assaulted by tables upon tables of food and drink on the large runway. There were Resistance members _everywhere._

Rey had never seen anything like it in her life.

Poe winked conspiratorially at Finn, then looked down at Rey’s dumbstruck expression.

“Absolutely, sweetness! It’s about time we celebrated your all-powerful Forcey-ness.”

Rey noticed the sun had started to dip, and her heart bean to race.

Oh _frack!_ When was Kylo going to start another session?

How was she going to get away from all _this?_

Rey was coming up null on both those questions, and it instilled an edgy panic in her gut.

“Poe, this isn’t-“ She tried to break away, but they weren’t having any of it. They were entirely distracted by the bonfires that were being lit around the area, bathing the tarmac and smiling, joyous faces in a warm glow.

But Rey was eager to see Kylo again. Eager to see how he was doing, and keen to try her hand at better control.

She would not push him for Lightning again, still vaguely unsettled by how he had reacted.

Or rather, unsettled by how _she_ had responded to his reaction.

“Do you hear that, Finn?” Poe drawled over the hum of many excited voices.

“Hmm?”

“Sounds like she _thinks_ she can argue with us!”

“Adorable!”

Oh, Rey thought, if looks could kill…

_Well it’s a good thing they don’t, else I’m sure I would have met my end by yours already. And then some._

Rey wrote off the gladness welling in her chest as projected emotion of those around her.

_Did you also lose three days, give or take?_

_I did. Thankfully, I was safe in my barricaded room._ As casual as he sounded in her head, there was an undercurrent of distress that was making itself more and more apparent.

 _Kylo…_ She yelped in surprise as the two boys settled her on a bench by one of the fires, and insisted they would go get her some eats. Picking only the _best_ for her, of course,

_Yes, Rey?_

His tone…Why did it make her so anxious? Why did he sound so _sad?_

_Did, uh, did the wound…?_

_It healed-_ Was that a hitch in his voice? – _Thank you, Rey._

She could not withhold herself any longer.

_Are you alright, Kylo?_

There was a long pause, but Rey knew he was still there. She could still feel him. He was anguished, and cautious. Rey only wished she knew _why._

 _I don’t think we’ll have a lesson tonight._ He said this heavily, as if the mere act exhausted him.

Now she was alarmed.

 _Why? Is something wrong?_ Rey could feel that he was hesitant. _Did I- I’m sorry- I wasn’t going to press the Lightning issue any further. Kylo-_

He surprised her by showing a hint of mirth. _It’s not that, Rey. You did exactly what you were supposed to, with regards to the Lightning._

Just the Lightning?

_Was it something I did?_

A pause. _No._ He may have been good a deceit, but not tonight and not with her.

_It was._

_Perhaps._ Still that despondency.

A longer span of silence, and Rey was fairly glad that Poe and Finn had not yet returned. Rey was content to stare into the mesmerising flames, and wait for Kylo to elaborate.

 _You healed me._ He said it as if the implications should have been obvious.

Needless to say, they were _not._

_And?_

_Why?_ He was suppliant.

_Was it not allowed?_

_Somewhat._ The raw dysphoria that broke through over the bond distressed Rey.

Oh no.

_Will you be alright?_

_What do you care?_ Bitterness.

Two could play that game. Hell, the game was _made_ for two.

_Good question._

She knew her tone had stung him. Why it did so to such an extent puzzled Rey.

When her momentary perturbation settled, Rey found she could not leave it at that, despite her better judgement.

She tenderly reached out to him once more, _Kylo-_

 _Enjoy your night, Rey._ He interrupted her, the urgency of his still-shaky voice causing all previous thoughts to leave her mind _. –Please. Have a good time with your friends. Take comfort in some peace._ Kylo was borderline pleading, using the most persuasive tone he could muster.

Rey was utterly nonplussed by this.

Hadn’t he been the one so eager to teach her in the first place?

_Kylo-_

_Poe is a good friend to have, Rey._

Wait, _what?_ Was that _retrospect?_

_Kylo!_

_Good night, Rey._

He left her then, but she would not accept that.

 _Kylo!_  

Rey spent a loaded moment staring into the heart of the fire, flustered, and waiting for his presence to fill her mind where it had come to fit as if it belonged. He did not come back, and the ache in his manner throughout the entire exchange left an unusual aftertaste.

Was Rey fearful for him? She didn’t want to be.

But she was.

The wood in the pit crackled and creaked at it was devoured by the licking tongues of the flames, sending small showers of sparks, ash, and embers at every splutter. The air was crisp, and Rey could smell the sweet medley of cooked goods and baked treats on the gentle breeze. Along with the enticing scents, the light wind also carried with it the laughter and chattering of elated people.

Rey could not help but wonder if Kylo had ever gotten to spend any nights like this, and if it was even possible that he preferred what he had now.

Wherever he was.


	21. Bygone

**_Chapter 21: Bygone_ **

For over two hours, Poe and Finn entertained Rey with stories of their missions, things they had learnt, and places they had seen. It was just after Poe had all-too eagerly pulled Finn’s shirt up to show off his metal-dotted back that Finn’s ground squad had shown up and dragged him off to go tell their stories to another bonfire cluster.

They were ‘ooh-ing’ over the cybernetics all the way across the gatherings.

Poe came to sit next to Rey, and studied her closely.

“As much as you’ve been laughing at our capers and appearing the general picture of happiness,” Poe slung an arm around her and fished a couple of Galactic Credits out of his pocket, “Credit for whatever is chewing up the gorgeous girl in there?”

Rey rolled her eyes, and looked back at the fire again.

What was on her mind?

Oh, right.

How in the name of the Force Kylo seemed to _know_ Poe. And not in an ‘I tortured you once upon a time’ kind of way.

But how did one ask that question at all? It wasn’t like Rey could tell him Kylo seemed to know him, for obvious reasons, and she had no other basis to seem interested in such a thing.

Except…

“How are you familiar with Luke? You seemed to know each other.”

Poe shifted uncomfortably.

“That was a very long time ago, Rey. About twenty-six or twenty-seven years ago.”

Poe’s voice had not sounded this strained since he had told her about knowing what it felt like to have Kylo ‘scratch around’ in their minds.

Rey turned herself towards him, knocking her knees against his.

“Poe?”

His expression was one of caustic sadness, in sharp contrast to the laughter echoing all around them and the energetic sparks flying from the fire.

Poe let his eyes glaze over, reflecting the dancing gold of the fire, and staring blankly into its shimmer. His head swayed out of tune to the music in the background, lost as he was in his thoughts.

When he spoke again, his tone made Rey’s hairs stand on end with its fraught tenor.

“Did you know I knew _him,_ Rey?”

Rey froze, both relieved that this subject was being broached in a subtle way, and absolutely terrified of what might come of it.

“Kylo?”

Poe rubbed his eyes with his knuckles.

“Ben. I knew him when he was still Ben. When he was still-” He cut himself off with a rickety breath.

Rey wound her arm around his waist, pulling the pilot close, and waited for him to continue.

Poe leaned on her, welcoming the warmth she offered.

“He was my _friend_ , Rey. We knew each other from toddler days.” The usually steadfast pilot was shaking in her arms, and if this had been any other night, Rey would have assumed Poe might’ve had one too many. But she had been with him the whole night, and not a drop of alcohol had passed his lips. “I would stay with the Solos when my parents were out Fighter-ing. We were two little boys, y’know? Go sneak into the simulators and pretend we were brave pilots, risking it all for the good of the people-“ Poe’s voice stuttered and shook, near-whisper in nature. She was right to have dreaded what the topic would reveal. “-Have stick fights and make believe we were two Jedi practising to save the Galaxy…”

Poe’s entire body shuddered.

“Poe, Poe you don’t have to-“

He gave her a tight squeeze.

“But I want to, Rey-“ She supported him with her body as he sagged onto her side, letting his head rest on hers, “-It’s not something I’ve ever really talked about, despite Leia’s pressure early on, after, uh, after-“ He swallowed hard “-Luke would come over every now and then when things would get bad, uh-”

Rey gently ran her hand up and down his side reassuringly.

“I mean, sure, I knew I wasn’t Force Sensitive. Became right apparent when he could levitate stuff and I couldn’t, but we still played together every day like there wasn’t a single difference between us. Both of us spent most our time without our parents, and we both had pretty gigantic family names to live up to. His was more ‘n mine…And I knew about his nightmares, but I had plenty of my own. Not of the same calibre o’course, But-“

His breath caught in his throat, swallowing whatever he was about to say. Rey remained silent. She would let him ramble till he couldn’t any more. He had done just the same for her during their long pazaak binges.

“-But those sleepovers were the only nights neither of us had any problems. Then they had to go and send my buddy _away_ -” If ever there would be a time Rey would hear Poe on the verge of mourning, it was now, and his voice was trembling dangerously. “-I was seven, he was five. Leia had Luke come pick him up. I was at their place at the time.”

“Poe…”

When Rey peeked up, the pilot looked far more dishevelled than she had ever seen him before, and now the orange glow gave his face a gaunt aura rather than a healthy one.

Faraway eyes, and a pained nostalgic expression.

It was so unfair.

“I know it shouldn’t affect me like it does. I know it, Rey. But he was the first friend I ever had. Even when the next time I really saw him was across the battlefield, tall and swathed in black. A man.”

“Poe, there’s nothing wrong with missing your friend-”

“-And time after that,” he paid her interjection no heed, “he ordered a village destroyed on Jakku, and violently tortured me for that damn map. All this,” Poe’s voice splintered into something much feebler, “as if he didn’t remember me at all…”

Rey wanted so badly to tell him, but her conscience hindered her on two counts.

Would he even want to know?

How, in his mind, could she even know?

And how could Kylo have…How…

But why would he not, Rey reprimanded herself bitterly. He was a Darksider, after all. He had killed his own father, after all.

Just because he treated her so strangely- so amicably- it did not make him any less cruel nor terrible…

Rey shifted herself to better take hold of Poe, her heart aching both for the pilot and, oddly enough, for the Knight as well.

After all, what was one childhood friend?

They sat like that for a while, leaning against each other, and staring at the pirouetting flames, breathing in time with the wafts of air that would warmly caress their faces.

It was when the fires eventually burned low, and fellow troops when to fetch more wood from under the starlit skies, that Poe moved again.

Stretching himself out of the position they had affixed themselves in, he turned to face her with a genuine smile on his face.

“Thank you, Rey.”

She only nodded in response, relieved that Poe seemed to be in good spirits once more.

“No, really sweetness. Thank you. I, uh,” he scratched the back of his head bashfully, eyes lighting up when he saw Finn approaching across the way, “-I needed that. I needed to tell someone, and you- You just seem to understand-“

Rey smiled, cutting him off, “It’s alright, Poe.”

She got up and clicked her back, sighing in satisfaction at the relief it brought.

“Rey! You aren’t going _now_ are ya?” Finn gasped, falling onto the bench next to Poe with languid ease.

Rey grinned at him and ran the back of her hand over her eyes, yawning rather abruptly as she tried to speak.

When the motion had past, Rey looked at them through bleary eyes and nodded at their knowing faces, “I’m afraid so guys. You party the night away, but I need my sleep.”

“Sure, sure!” Finn said in a rather sing-song tone, waving her away as Poe laughed.

Rey giggled softly to herself on the way to the _Falcon,_ choosing to ignore the persistent ache in her chest.

Leia stopped her on the way, and insisted she take one of the rooms in the base.

Or rather, _informed_ her she would be taking one of the rooms in the base, as Rey’s belongings had already been moved there. Rey was far too exhausted to argue, and the General lead her to her new quarters.

It was nice, Rey supposed, to have a proper room, and not a bunk on a ship, or a crypt made of stone.

She washed herself in a daze, only vague ecstasy breaking through when glorious _hot_ water eased muscles she had not even known were hurting. Thereafter, Rey let herself sink deep into the mattress.

Then, she was wide awake, body clenched in dread.

_Kylo?_

No response.

Not a thing.

Rey was faced with having to fall asleep on her own, and it made her cringe in discomposure.

How _could she?_

Had she become so dependent on the reprieve the illusions had, that she could not remember what it felt like to sleep without aid?

Had she become reliant on _him?_

Whether she was or not, she was terrified of closing her eyes, and remained staring at the ceiling.

Not the dreams. She couldn’t, she just couldn’t face those dreams again.

Futile hope spiked through her as she dared to think perhaps she could reach a similar illusion herself, without him.

She couldn’t.

Oh Force she couldn’t.

_Please._

Was she doing this?

_Please, Ren._

Yes she was. Decency and division be damned, she was.

_Please!_

Rey received no response.

She was left to choke on the silence.

***

Kylo paced his room restlessly, trying with all his might to ignore the frantic mind calling- begging- for him.

Once more, he was being torn apart.

He couldn’t answer her, and would not let himself either. He had made a decision.

Another, this time more sluggish, push brushed his mind, and he realised she was succumbing to her tiredness.

Time itself seemed to stand still to Kylo, as he watched her fight as hard as she could to stay awake. Gradually, however, she sank into the heady haze of unconsciousness, and she called out for him all the way.

Though he tried, Kylo could not deafen himself to her hysteria. Having to refuse her as he did caused him unanticipated anguish. But this time, he did not take action against himself to chase it away, and punish the weakness.

No, he felt that standing by and doing nothing was far punishment enough.

Rather he do nothing tonight, and let her retain even a shred of the happiness she had felt, than rip it all away from her as he would have to.

Kylo Ren would not deceive himself. He knew, within his soul, he would avoid their next meeting for as long as possible. As pathetic as it was, he wanted her to need him for as long as possible, before…

Kylo Ren tangibly flinched when Rey fell silent at the edges of his hearing. Asleep.

She was restful, for now.

And so Poe had told her?

If Kylo thought he had left his previous life far behind him, the stringent pain in his chest at Rey’s memories of the discussion proved him entirely wrong.

Poe was a fighter pilot protecting the people, and Kylo was a Dark Jedi terrorising the Galaxy.

At least one of them got to live their childhood dreams, while the other made a mockery of it.

Despite what Poe thought, Kylo had never forgotten him. Nor had he tortured him without remorse.

It had been one of the benefits of wearing a mask, and using a modulator.

No one could tell when you were breaking.

What was one childhood friend, indeed?

Apparently a great deal, if you foolishly allowed them to live.

Kylo sat on his bed, elbows propped on his knees and head in his hands.

A steady headache was making itself known, and Kylo was acutely aware of the cause. Rey was caught in the throes of another Force terror, and as much as Kylo’s every fibre wanted to pull her out of it, and into a safer illusion, he knew he could not. If he broke now, he would never be able to do what needed to be done.

Tasting her experiences as she had thrown her consciousness at him moments before had reminded Kylo of just how far he had come.

Just how far he had fallen.

The fires, the feasts, the festivities. He had experienced them before, a lifetime ago. Things had been far simpler then. In the day, he was just a regular boy who, on occasion, made inanimate objects fly through the air without so much as touching them. Otherwise, perfectly normal.

At night, however, he was a scared and skittish child with coaxing voices filling his head with all sorts of malarkey and mayhem. Yet, as the time had passed, the whispers had made more sense. They grew more appealing and less terrifying.

But the Force Terrors remained the same.

Rey would learn to redirect her struggle more effectively, just as Kylo had. Soon, she would look upon this past night just as Kylo had.

She would see herself surrounded by folk who meant well but could never quite sate her, and she would be thankful for all she had learned.

Kylo would just need to _show_ her, first. Show her just how far she had already come.

What better way to do it, than break her just as he felt himself tearing at the seams now? What better way, than to show someone all they had _lost?_ All he, now the coaxing voice in _her_ head, had actually taken from her, despite the good intentions of the time.

It was an argument Kylo had made many times with himself, and he always ended up at the same conclusion.

He would do it.

But he was forced to acknowledge that he honestly did not want to, just yet at least.

Yes, he was a coward. So be it.

Possibly selfish, for wanting a few days more where she would still not know the truth.

After all, what was one childhood friend?


	22. Espial

**_Chapter 22: Espial_ **

It was a rough morning.

First, Rey awoke with a head-splitting migraine and that self-same white-sand and clear-water dream carved into her brain.

Again, Kylo had pulled hr broken body into the water. And again, Kylo had been the one to bleed out. This time was slightly different in that, even though it had still been he who had run her through over and over with his saber; she did not recognise his eyes, and his face had been twisted beyond belief. But when he had carried her into the pool, it had been him once more. Eyes she knew. Only this time, the man had bled out in her arms, and she lay with him cradled against her chest instead of losing him to the sands.

Rey had been screaming. She had been weeping. The moment had plagued her with a magnificent pain.

Rey had awoken with her cheeks wet, and her pillow stained.

She had berated herself for being so weak, and calling out for him like she had, but there was no denying that Rey had become addicted to the reprieve he offered her.

Then again, last night had done something good for Rey. It had reminded her of a concept far more appealing than total control of the Force. She needed control, sure, but she needed to make sure _that_ was independent of Kylo Ren, and she had unwittingly allowed herself to become reliant on him. Even needy, to go so far. Rey would have to work to fix this, even if it meant putting her mind to constant meditation in lieu of sleep.

Not even two minutes after making herself presentable and leaving her room, Rey was assaulted by a very concerned Finn.

“Rey, are you, y’know,” he looked her up and down, an almost wary look in his eyes, “ _alright?_ ”

She raised her brow, unsure of where this question came from, “Perfectly fine, Finn,” she kept her voice steady, “Why?”

He looked doubtful, “Well, we uh, me and Poe, when we eventually crashed last night we may have heard you, uh… screaming.”

Oh. Oops.

“Bad nightmare.”

He may have looked slightly relieved, and now Rey really was worried about what they had assumed.

“Yeah, I figured so, but Poe was convinced you picked up one of the cuter hotshots on base-“ Rey choked on a highly unladylike snort, and Finn had the grace to look embarrassed, “Then again, Poe kinda dipped into the whiskey his squad shared with ours after you left…But hey, damn, must have been one hell of a nightmare to-”

His words trailed off as Rey lost herself to mirth, his concern washing off her at the farcicality of what he was suggesting.

Rey was leaning on the corridor wall for support, her silent but intense giggles chasing the pounding headache, as well as the residual sorrow from last night, away.

“You’d think-you’d think h-he,” Rey could barely speak for lack of breath, “You’d think he would know the difference between pleasure and- and panic!”

“Finn! Don’t shame me-” Poe called from down the passageway, head popping out of the same door Finn had come from, his chest bare, “-I was drunk and I admit to nothing.”

While he was speaking, Leia had rounded the corner behind him, stopped short with her eyes wide, then slowly backed away and left.

It took an unusual effort of will for Rey to keep herself upright, caught in the fit of laughter she was. Poor Finn. He was just standing there, watching her as if she were losing her mind, his skin flushed several shades darker.

“Um, Rey?” Poe asked, walking up to them and adjusting his flight garb.

It was then Rey noticed that Finn was in ground gear with armour panels.

She held up a hand for them to wait till she had regained her composure.

Once her breathing had slowed, and the fits had stopped, Rey straightened herself and looked between the two of them, “What’s got you two all bedecked and ready to go?”

Leia had returned, Luke at her side, and looking slightly less alarmed now that Rey was no longer using the wall as a crutch, and Poe fully clothed.

Luke was carrying a warblade, a _Wookiee_ warblade if Rey was not mistaken; recognisable by its thick vanes.

“Some First Order light craft pulled a hyperspace-to-ground manoeuvre last night, leaving our eastern hemisphere’s space defence in tatters. We fear that the training base there may be targeted soon, and we’ve been mobilising a few teams to help them.”

“And you, Rey,” Luke stepped forward and handed her the blade, “are going to spearhead one of the ground squads.”

Rey fumbled with the bald that had been thrust into her hands, gaping at her Master, “Lu-“

He did not give her a chance, “Remember what I said about ‘on the job’ training?”

She paused a moment, letting the wonderful, yet frightening news sink in.

Then a slow smile spread across her face, and she gripped the hilt of the remarkably light weapon, “Yes, Master Luke.”

He smiled at her kindly, the gestured for them to follow Leia, and walked back in the opposite direction.

“Rey, you’ll be taking Finn’s group in and although you are going to be playing the role of their heavy, I’d like you to spread yourself out across the field as much as possible-“ She lead them to a people-carrier, where eleven other men and woman were already aboard, “-and again if possible, use whatever Force tricks you can so long as they don’t jeopardise any of our troops.”

Rey grabbed the outstretched hands of one of the woman, and clambered to her side, gratefully taking the armour panels she was handed. The same girl offered to help strap them on, and Rey was only too thankful, confused at all the straps and buckles.

While her chest panel was being strapped on, Rey turned to Leia with a wary look on her face, “Any particular reason why you want me to blatantly display my mythical, cosmic ability?”

Leia shrugged, “So that, should a few of them turn tail and escape, they can go spread word of the ‘scary Jedi’ the Resistance have on their side-“

“So, let a few of them get away, then?” Leia nodded in response to Rey’s smirk. “And I’m guessing Luke is not the keenest on this idea?” Rey began strapping on her forearm bracers while Poe helped the other troop with her shin-guards.

“On the contrary-“ The transport’s engine kicked up in the background, and Rey felt the back-panel slide into place on the chest-guards straps. “-He approves. Just so long as you ‘operate within constraints’”

Rey rolled her eyes as the transport lifted of, and turned to the woman once the final pieces-pauldrons- were strapped into place.

“Thank you very much,” Rey rolled her shoulders to test the flexibility, happy with the way the straps moved, “I would never have gotten it right!”

The woman laughed, “Not a problem, I had the same issue when I ran my first mission. You’re Rey right?”

“Yeah, and you are…?”

“Myri. Myri Antilles,” Myri offered her hand, and Rey shook it, the two smiling at each other,

Rey’s face must have displayed the nervousness bubbling in her gut, because Myri carried on giggling, her green eyes sparkling, “Relax, Rey! You’ll be fine. Hit the ground running, cut down anyone in white plastisteel, and dodge the big laser bullets.”

Rey pursed her lips, grabbing onto an overhead handle as the transport shook with turbulence, “You make it sound so easy,” she mumbled.

Myri shrugged, “Makes it easy when you have a sharpshooter like Finn covering you!”

“Oh, _really?”_ Rey grinned at the blushing ex-Stormtrooper.

“Hey! Makes it incredibly easy to focus when you have a big-ass X-Wing doing loops around your head and obliterating anything that gets close.”

Rey raised her brow and turned to Myri when the girl poked her ribs. Myri hooked her finger at Rey, and Rey leaned closer.

“Those two are so adorable together,” she whispered in amusement, exaggerated inflection littering her words, “the entire squad is taking bets as to when the declaration of undying devotion will occur.”

Now both Rey’s brows were quite possibly mid-forehead as she turned to Poe again, who was _studiously_ staring at the ground below as their target approached on the radar.

“Is that _so?”_

“Oh _yes._ You should have seen the happy couple when Finn got out of the coma. Poe was practically pirouetting everywhere he went for a week thereafter. They deny everything of course, but…”

Rey caught Myri’s eyes, and both of them burst into peals of laughter at the other’s expression.

That is, till plumes of smoke appeared over the trees, and blasterfire rose above the natural sounds of the forest.

What followed was all a blur to Rey, thanks to the adrenaline scorching her veins.

Her feet hit the ground, her blade tended a Stormtrooper’s head from his shoulders, and Finn knocked one back with the butt of his rifle before Myri shot the enemy in the chest.

So the cycle continued.

Occasionally, Rey would wince as blaster bolts nicked her exposed sections of flesh, but Finn really was excellent at keeping cover, and Luke was right when he had suggested on-the-job training. Rey was in her element, falling unusually easily into combat she had known on Jakku, and combat she had learnt with both Luke and Kylo. What came even easier was the wall of Force Push she had sent forward to scatter a forming firing squad, leaving them as easy pickings to the X-Wing squad’s lasers. Then, she had managed to Force Pull a heavy Stormtrooper towards her, and away from Myri’s back, promptly impaling him on the blade, and moving in such a way that he slid off in the same motion.

Myri had looked at her with shocked, but grateful and impressed eyes, and this only served to strengthen Rey’s confidence in using the Force in front of her peers-in-arms.

A few even clapped as a powerful Pull sent three First Order sharpshooters careening off the edge of the cliff they had been perched on, and plunging into the forest below.

Ironically, Leia had been right, and the sight of a Force-User sent the lesser troops calling for fall-back. Thereafter came the heavies’ call for retreat, and Rey let them go. It seemed all the Resistance’s squads had got the memo, and let only two small fighter craft leave. The rest were plucked out of the sky. Gradually, Resistance troops fell back to the base they had been defending, and began to offer aid.

Rey, however, still felt on edge.

Something was not quite right.

Looking around, she could not see Finn. Nor could she see two others, Finn’s flanks, from her squad. On impulse, she took off into the forest where the Stormtroopers had retreated into.

No blasterfire to follow, no yelling to be heard.

Rey skidded to halt, however, when she heard a hum that had only ever invaded her nightmares. Listening closely, she followed the sinister drone to its source.

A clearing.

A clearing with five men in it, to be exact. Three in Resistance colours, and two with not a scrap of skin showing from under their black garb. The cowered ones had pikes in their hands; the source of the hum.

Rey’s heart lurched when she saw one of Finn’s flanks lay dead, the other was held by the throat by one of the spectres, and Finn was kneeling on the ground, hands on his head, and pike dangerously close to his neck. She was paralyzed with shock.

 _“You know the girl?”_ The one who held Finn prone hissed, his voice akin to that of a snake’s susurration, and just as deadly.

Finn shook his head, and winced as his other flank dropped to the ground after a sickening crunch.

Again, the figure spoke, causing rage to tear through Rey’s body and mind, “ _Where is she?”_

Finn shook his head, and the darkly-clad soldier pressed the pike against his cheek, causing Finn to scream.

No sooner had the cry left Finn’s throat, than the devil had been ripped across the clearing, and suspended mere inches from Rey’s outstretched fingers.

The other jumped to land a killing blow on Finn, and found himself in the same position, gurgling and spluttering just like his partner, caught by Rey’s other hand.

They clutched at their throats, but no relief came.

Rey had only pent to yank them away from Finn, but this was far better.

Experimentally, Rey flexed her fingers, feeling out the hold she had, and the two bodies shuddered violently as the grinding of bones and cartilage was heard. She relented, but kept them there, hanging mid-air before her outstretched palms. She was not touching them, but the material around their necks wrinkled and indented as if she gripped them tight. A cruel smile curled her lips as she watched their struggles become less and less pronounced.

Finn was gasping in the background, trying desperately to save his friends.

When he called Rey’s name, she broke from her enraptured trance.

“Help me!”

It took her a moment to understand, but the second she did, she broke the men’s necks and let them crumple to the ground, entirely unbothered by the satisfaction that surged through her at the act.

“Please!” Finn begged, “He’s still breathing, can we do something? _Anything?”_

Rey took hold of his shaking hands, and pushed them into his lap. Her voice was oddly calm when she spoke.

“Finn, I’ll do everything I can. You go get help, but tell them to not move him until I say so, alright?”

He nodded wildly before darting into the foliage, not so much as sparing a glance at the two bodies that lay heaped at the path; evidence of Rey’s malpractice.

Rey steadied herself before folding her unnervingly sure hands over the Resistance soldier’s throat. Slowly, she eased herself into meditation, and set to work healing him.

Or rather, trying to.

His windpipe was crushed, his arteries bruised and collapsed, and his vertebrae shattered.

She could fix him, but he’s have to be kept in deep sleep till his body had coped with the pain of such accelerated healing.

In all honesty, it was a miracle that the man was alive at all.

It was many hours before Rey let Finn pull her to her feet, and steady her on shaky, numb legs. Phenomenally, she had stabilised the soldier- Rem, was his name- and they had carried him in to the same intensive care where Finn had been.

“Oh, Rem,” the Kaminoan sighed, “We should be able to manage him fairly well. Better than most, in fact.”

Finn was relieved, but poked her with questions as to his recovery. Myri was by his side and plying the specialist with just as many questions of her own. It dawned on Rey then just how well Finn was fitting in here, if he had friends as close to him as Myri and Rem.

“-since he is a descendant of the clones my species engineered-” Rey turned her attention back to the doctor at that. Clones, just another thing to add to the list of stories that was now legitimate “-He retains core DNA. He should be ready to wake up in a few hours or less, as I have intimate knowledge with manipulating such cells. In this case, realty lessening the pain. Much thanks is due, however-” she turned to Rey, “-to your incredible talent with the Force technique of healing. His cells are exceptionally receptive to stimulus now after the activation of pain-reducing hormones. I am very grateful.”

Rey inclined her head in thanks before excusing herself. As she left, so Poe entered, and Rey turned her head just in time to see him pull Poe into a fervent hug before the doors swung shut.

Sighing, Rey looked up to the heavens and her eyes met only stars.

The moment she stopped focusing on healing that man, the inebriating feeling of having squeezed the life out of those evil creatures returned, enticing and beguiling.

She let out all her held breath in a rush, and let her eyes follow the cloud of vapour, from warm breath hitting cold air, as it swirled and dissipated.

The night was silent. There was unusual disquiet hushing the base after this attack that had, Rey discovered, left many of their own dead.  For Rey, the quiet that hung heaviest of all was the one in her mind.

The day itself had been merciful. There had been enough action and busyness to keep Rey moving, and distracted. But now that all the noise was gone, the lack thereof was deafening in itself.

How was she supposed to stave off the nightmares when she had just witnessed such…?

Rey’s head was spinning. She knew that even if she did call, he would not answer. There was a block on his side of the bond.

He was _keeping_ her out, and actively so. Rey wondered how he had become so adept so soon. What did he have that she did not? Information? Power?

Yet, she realised, all that information and power at his fingertips was not enough to keep the terrors away.

After all this, Rey decided, and coupled with the silence from Kylo; Rey would not be sleeping tonight.


	23. Kismet

**_Chapter 23: Kismet_ **

Guilt seemed to be a constant in Kylo’s daily life of late.

Well, ever since she came back into it.

Her dream, however, if it was unsettling to her it was doubly so to him. As much as he had tried, he could not turn his mind away from her for long. Especially not when she was virtually screaming the thoughts and images across the bond, as erratic as her falling-asleep had been. Again, he had bled out in her nightmare, and it confounded Kylo as to _why_ the Force would plague her with this specific imagery. More so, he could not fathom as to why it distressed her so.

This time he had bled out in her arms, and Kylo could watch no more as her gut-wrenching cries had echoes across the Force. Just after he cringed away, her torment yanked her out of her own dream, and Kylo immediately closed off his mind with the only weak block he could muster.

Those thoughts beleaguered Kylo for most of the morning, and his mind was constantly tossed between utter confusion and complete denial. Whichever way he thought about it, it made no sense to him. One thing was certain, though, and that was Kylo needed to better barricade his own mind.

Her will was simply too strong, and she would unwittingly break him before he ever amassed the courage to twist her.

It had happened again mid-session, and at first, Kylo had thought nothing of the storm raging just on the fringes of his mind.

Then, the semi-tame storm had turned into a cacophonous squall, and the barrage against his meagre mental block had proven too much.

Rey did not know it, but Kylo had felt _everything_ as she wrung the life out of those two grunts, and she had enjoyed it. He, on the other hand, not so much. Being inundated with such raw energy- the pure rush that came with learning a new skill- it had left him breathless and vulnerable.

Kylo had dragged himself back to his chambers riddled with new wounds, all of them in stark contrast to the silver scar over his shoulder.

That scar.

Kylo hoped that Snoke would either overlook it or assume him healed on his own. It had been so long, in all likelihood the Supreme Leader would not care any longer. His robes had always hidden the injury. They would continue to hide the scar. The less Kylo saw it himself, the better at any rate. He did not need a constant knot in his throat every time he remembered all she had done for him, and the healed wound only amplified the feeling that was already there.

Now, she had started discovering Dark powers all on her own, and Kylo was in two minds about it.

He had never truly intended to show her Lightning nor Choke. They were essentially gateways to the much crueller side of the Force, and Kylo did not particularly wish to see her fall so.

Then again, the only way he was going to save her at all would be to make her fall. Kylo should have been happy, really. Happy that the taste of Lightning he had given her had spurned her into discovering Choke on her own, happy that she was embracing all that the Force had to offer, and it would undoubtedly lead her to the Dark Side. He should have been pleased.

Instead, he felt rattled. Perhaps even a little scared.

Not scared of her, oh no. He could never be scared of her. She could have him on his knees with her saber at his neck and he would still be in awe of her rather than afraid.

Kylo was scared for her.

His fitful musings were interrupted by his door being opened. Kylo whirled around, expecting an Elite, but meeting the grizzled yet cunning face of one of his oldest fellow Knights instead. His Second, in fact. Banor. The man still carried that gruesome mace.

“ _What_ are you doing here?” Kylo spat testily.

“Now, now, is that any way to treat your greatest friend?” the man asked, malice lacing his every word.

Kylo’s only response was to raise his brow and place his hand on the hilt of his saber.

Banor raised his hands, “I’m only here as a messenger. Two messages, Ren,” he grinned at Kylo with his typical churlishness, only half of his face forming the expression at all since the other was knotted and curled by a ghastly burn, “One, the Supreme Leader summons you to his final audience, for now. Two, I’m here to take you back to Korriban, then hopefully we won’t see each other for a very long time.”

At last. He was free from this place. Though his training had indeed progressed, Kylo had not taken the pleasure out of it he otherwise would have. He was far too focussed on dealing with Rey.

Kylo kept a wary gaze on Banor. This was, after all, the man who had killed two other Knights purely because they ‘looked like weaklings’. It was true, the other Knights were far too respectful of Kylo to ever attack him outside of ordered combat, but it was a begrudging respect earned purely out of what Kylo was capable of with the Force.

Banor, though. Banor would easily kill him in his sleep if not for Snoke’s partiality.

“Very well.” Kylo kept his voice stiff, and his posture tense.

The two men stared each other out, the displeasure at the physical meeting evident between them.

When Banor eventually slunk away, Kylo’s whole bearing deflated in relief.

Force, he hated that man.

Steeling himself, Kylo made his way to the amphitheatre for the meeting with Snoke. Though he dreaded the audience, Kylo was eager for leaving the planet thereafter.

That anticipation was the only reason Kylo could hold his mental block, and keep his emotions relatively schooled.

“Kylo Ren.”

Snoke’s voice, quiet as it was, filled every curve of the room with its calm antipathy.

Kylo knelt before the hologram, and held his tongue.

“Rise, and tell me, do you know the legend of the Father, the Son, and the Daughter?”

This was something Kylo Ren was not expecting. He faced his Master.

“I have heard of it, Master. I do not know it.”

Snoke tilted his head, his expression the closest to thoughtful Kylo had ever seen it.

“Indeed?”

Again, Kylo held his tongue, well aware of his Master’s dangerous, controlled moods.

“The Ones…”  Snoke fixed Kylo with an unseeing stare, “According to legend there was a Father, a mediator, who was the only being who could maintain balance between his Son, a being of pure Darkness, and his Daughter, a being of pure Light. Without the Father’s presence, the Son and Daughter would gradually destroy each other, each vying for the victory of their own soul. If you believe such a thing.”

“Do you, Master?”

Snoke folded his hands, tapping his thumb against the back of one. “I find myself particularly interested in the concept. Is it not a universal truth that all legends are born from an element of fact? My concern, as you are well aware, lies in bringing complete balance to the Force- Finishing the work your grandfather, the _Chosen One_ , was cut short from finishing.”

Kylo pressed his lips together.

This was the hook that Snoke always used. Help him bring about the prophesy, and receive the power to attain the peace you seek.

Kylo Ren was nothing if not persistent.

He had used the helmet- The Dark Artefact Snoke had given him to use to centre his meditation around. He had trawled through the holocrons, and remained in search of Luke Skywalker. All these things, his Master had asked of him without touching on the end result, and Kylo had always followed blindly.

This was the first time Snoke had ever spoken of his goal beyond the realisation of the prophesy.

Snoke sighed with a heaviness that could only beset a being of cosmic antiquity.

“The Yuuzhan Vong are a truly wonderful species, are they not?” To Kylo’s surprise, he spoke with a certain nostalgia that was foreign from his lips, particularly since it sounded so...Loving.

“Master?”

Certainly, Kylo knew of the extra-galactic beings, as many of their Disgraced now existed amongst the First Order on the fringes of mapped space, training their men.

“An entire race, existing _outside_ of the Force. Not just deaf to it as Non-Sensitives are, but completely and utterly a breed apart from it. The Force does not taint them nor does it have any effect on them. In all my centuries of existence, I have only seen physics-altering powers such as Cyclone perhaps stagger them. Nothing more-”

It was a terrifying, but nonetheless appealing concept for Kylo, to exist without the Force.

“-In all those years, I have seen all the Force has to offer, Ren. Its blessings and its curses. How it meddles and how it mends. Not once have I ever seen any good without any bad. Yet, the Force remains wild and decidedly _un_ balances. You know this meddling more than most. Your grandfather led a grand crusade to eradicate Force-Users from the face of the Galaxy. His Master, Sidious, sought only supremacy but I have no doubt that Vader would have killed him too in time, even without Luke as a catalyst. A noble venture, indeed. And most of the Galaxy even thought it realised. At last! The scourge of men and women with control over the very energy that _decides_ our fate, is gone-“

Snoke gave pause, and considered Kylo with his blank eyes.

“-How beautiful, and balanced a place would the Galaxy be, if its inhabitants did not have to fear a force they do not understand…” Even though his voice trailed off, the tone of it still rang throughout the stone arena.

Kylo was transfixed, whether by the madness of the Ancient before him, or belief, he was still unsure.

Snoke continued, his voice factual once more, “The Yuuzhan Vong, you see, are a conquering race, and have touched this Galaxy before. Do you know who best fared against them on the Outer Rim? Normal soldiers. The Jedi all perished. The Sith all perished. And why? Because both foolish groups are based around a command of the _Force._ Useless indeed against ones such as the Vong. And they are not the only extra-galactic species to exist outside of the Force. There are many. Oddly, I had encountered a faction of Sith in my earlier years who had perfected the breeding of slaves as to make them immune to the Force. Why was this done? To dissuade their tempestuous students from practicing on the slaves, or accidentally killing them themselves. Better protection against the Jedi, as well.”

Snoke fell into contemplative silence, and Kylo dared to speak.

“My Master, if I may, what does the Father, the Son, and the Daughter have to do with an absence of the Force?”

Snoke almost smiled. It was a chilling expression, filled with the promise of an ultimatum that would not yet be given.

“Part of the legend dictates that these names- Father, Son, Daughter- are merely placeholders for actual people existing at any point in time. My interest lies in what happens when each side wins out, or otherwise when both fail. What happens when there are no Sons and Daughters left? Do we then have an _absence_ of the Force?”

Kylo abruptly felt ice down his spine at the wistful tone Snoke’s words had adopted, “In other words, no Force Sensitives left?”

“That is what I need you, boy, to find out.”

Holding his breath, Kylo waited for a missive.

Snoke unfolded his hands and let them fall to his sides, “Cato Neimoidia. There is a Togruta there, from a long line of Force Users. A very long, very old line, dotted with Sith and Jedi alike. The last time I was able to find any information on the Ones, I uncovered that his ancestors were Chroniclers at the only Temple that bothered themselves with the prophesy at all. Find him, get what he knows, then kill him. We will work from there-” He made to leave, then focussed on Kylo once more, “-The girl. She and Luke have left their sanctuary. She grows strong.”

“Yes, my Master.”

“Her power is wild, and her appetite only just ben whet. I would _suggest_ you make your play soon, boy. Else you may find yourself outmatched. Then, I truly will have no need for you, will I?”

Kylo bowed curtly as the hologram faded.

Finally, with only silence around him and free of Snoke’s stifling presence, he allowed himself to fall onto one of the nearby staircases, trying and failing to stop his head from spiralling so violently.

Snoke wanted an end to the Force? Was _that_ his true endgame?

Kylo was unsure, but if it was the case, there was part of him that agreed and part that did not.

If an end to the Force meant killing all those who previously controlled it…

It was madness. Not even Order 66 had succeeded in killing a few official Jedi, never mind the hordes that went unseen.

Slowly, he got to his feet again once the dizziness had ebbed slightly, and made his way to the ship that waited on him.

Kylo paid no attention to Banor, striding past him and to the barracks of the transport. He needed peace to think, to plan.

Now he would have to juggle finding the Togruta, dealing with Rey, and hunting down Luke. Not to mention working out exactly what his Master was aiming for.

Seeing the Elite on the ship, along with Banor, Kylo was struck with something he had never realised before.

Snoke only surrounded himself with Non-Sensitives. The Elite, the other Knights, none of them could use or really feel the Force. It was only Kylo. And Kylo, he was the grandson of the Chosen One. Quite possibly, in Snoke’s mind, a Son.

Seized with a sudden terror, Kylo decided that Rey and Luke could wait. He needed to find that Togruta.


	24. Headway

**_Chapter 24: Headway_ **

“She should.”

“She should not!”

“Leia, it will be good for her. You heard how well she functioned yesterday.”

“Absolutely _not_ , Luke!”

“She will want to.”

“Not alone!”

What a wonderful thing to stumble upon at such an hour in the morning, Rey thought, smiling to herself and hanging back in the doorway. The twins had not seen her yet, completely taken in with staring daggers at each other unblinkingly.

Rey had walked the entire base flat during the course of the night. Now, it was near dawn, the sky only just turning from black to indigo. Oddly enough, letting herself just get lost in the stars and the quiet of the night had rejuvenated her somewhat. Rey wasn’t sure if it was just over-exhaustion, of if she had unwittingly tapped into some great mythical energy-well of the cosmos.

With the way things had been going lately, it could be confirmed that the latter was true, and Rey wouldn’t bat an eyelash. Apparently, that’s _exactly_ how the Force worked.

“Luke,” Leia’s voice was acerbic, “You _can’t_ send her to _Yavin Four_ alone!”

“Yavin Four, and a planet in partially Unknown Space, but-“

“ _Luke!”_

Maz’s voice called from the other side of the room, out of Rey’s line of sight, “Both of you do her a disservice, speaking behind her back!” The voice was moving, and Maz walked past the door, winking at Rey, “Particularly when she can here you.”

That caused Luke and Leia to jump, spinning to face the door with shame on their faces.

Rey contemplated them with a smirk, waving one hand in the air, “Don’t stop on my account, please! I find this all rather interesting.”

Luke laughed sheepishly, “Rey, I think it’s time that you built your lightsaber. However-“ Her elation came and went at the usually presence of the ‘but’, “-There are no crystals, lenses, or other components here. I know for a fact that my old Academy should still have salvageable pieces. The Academy itself was in the old Rebel Base, which in turn was actually a Massassi Temple in the time of the Old Republic. As far as Leia knows, there have been no scavengers tearing the place apart, so you should find everything you need.”

Rey cocked a brow at that, “And the ‘other planet’?”

Leia rolled her eyes, and Luke ignored her.

“Dromund, located just outside of the Outer Rim. Cato Neimoidia would be a good place to set the jump for the co-coordinates. A jungle planet. There is a temple there, and it had changed hands between the Jedi and Sith for many centuries. Currently, it lies uninhabited, and I never got the chance to recover the holocrons Lor San said he had tracked to their archives.”

“And you’d like me to go fetch them?”

“Precisely.”

Rey nodded slowly, thinking it over. Honestly, it didn’t sound so terribly bad to do alone. The holocrons Luke had given her said that building a lightsaber was a ritual usually done alone or shared with other padawans, so she could understand if Luke wanted her to do that alone. Dromund, on the other hand, what could be so bad about recovering some holocrons? After all, Rey _was_ a scavenger.

“Alright, just-“ She held her hand up to stop Luke before he could interrupt her, “-tell me what I should expect. These places may be uninhabited…But what about non-sentient?”

“Well, for Yavin I’d say be wary of the gundarks,” he chuckled, “but they should not pose too much of a problem since they stay near water, as does their predator, the anglers. Just Force-Push any of those creatures strongly enough, and you should not have a problem. Now, Dromund…” Luke frowned slightly, but otherwise did not look too worried, “Dromund’s only cause for concern would be the jurgorens and the Hssiss. Stay out of the swamps, and the jurgoren won’t bother you. But the Hssiss like Force-temples, no matter where you find them.”

Rey was glad he caught her blank expression, because she had no idea what that Hssiss creature was.

“Jurgorens are scaled humanoids with really strange heads...You’ll know them when you see them. Now, do you know what a krayt dragon is?”

“Yes.” And if something _that_ big was on Dromund, she would not be going. No way, not a chance.

“They’re like that, just much smaller-“ Thank the Force. “-dark green, more showy spikes, and a penchant for unwittingly using the Dark Side to cloak themselves.”

“What?” Rey spluttered, “Force-wielding reptiles? No, _invisible_ Force-wielding reptiles?”

Leia turned a triumphant expression onto Luke, who glared at her testily in return.

“Rey, they don’t actively use they Force and _know_ it, they’re simply creatures who channel it. Much like a terentatek.”

“Terentatek? What’s a terentatek?”

Luke looked lost at her lack of galactic knowledge, “Short answer? Pray you never find out, and you most likely won’t since their populace was greatly decimated during the great Hunt, and we’re talking many, many years before even my father was born.”

This satisfied Rey, and though she was still a little anxious about the Hssiss, she supposed a quick scavenging mission would not prove too hard solo. In fact, it could be easier that way.

“Alright then, Luke, I’ll bite. When do I leave?” Despite her misgivings, Rey felt considerable anticipation at getting to hunt down components to _finally_ build her own saber.

“Leave?” That was Finn, doing a double take at the door as he and Poe walked past, “We leaving? When are we leaving and where are we going?”

“Jedi missions? Fun and _dangerous_ Jedi missions?” Poe asked, equally as excited.

Rey felt just a little bad that she’d have to crush their hopes.

Thankfully, Leia beat her to the punch.

“My _nerf herder_ of a brother has decided that now, of all times, is the best and most convenient opportunity for Rey to go build a lightsaber and clean out a Dark-Side-ridden temple of holocrons, all on her lonesome!” The boys’ faces fell, then turned incredulous. Leia threw her hands in the air and maintained her fiery glare at Luke, “This is _just_ like Dagobah, you know that? Useful Jedi runs off on some ill-conceived mission and leaves the rebel force in the wind.”

“Leia-“

“Forget it, Skywalker. You’ll do what you must, and you-“ She turned to Rey, her eyes softening, “-Try not to encourage him too much. And keep yourself safe.”

“So you’re just gonna let her go on her own?” Poe asked, vaguely irate.

Leia shrugged, “I can’t stop them, I never have been able to, and I won’t deny her the tradition of building her own lightsaber.”

“But, on her _own?”_ Poe was doing all the speaking now, and Finn just stood beside him, gaping in a mix of shock and confusion.

“ _Yes_ , on her own. And don’t for a second think I’m allowing the two of you to go with! I need the both of you on the next transport to Dantooine to help fend off strike attacks.”

“But-“

Rey was about to interject, after watching the whole exchange with some amusement, but again, she was belayed, this time by Maz.

“Stop bickering, the lot of you. Rey is fully capable of defending herself, and she’ll do just fine! If anything, if you two soldier-boys had to go with her, s _he’d_ be the one taking care of _you_ on Yavin Four, never mind Dromund,” Maz pinioned Rey with her large eyes, “The only thing that bothers me about your trip to Dromund, would be the concentration of the Dark Side…” Her gaze sharpened for a moment, and it felt like the little woman was reading Rey like a book. Even though the time that Maz spent silent and considering her so intently was probably short, for Rey it felt like an age. Maz had mastered that kind of appraisal, the one that made you feel as if having a secret was a futile practice. Then her eyes cleared and warmed, as if having found something delightful. Rey’s heart raced in her chest at the possibilities.

“-But,” Maz continued gently, “I don’t think you’ll have a problem with that at all, Rey. Will you?”

“Not at all,” Rey answered as assuredly as she could.

While Poe and Finn seemed convinced, Leia was decidedly not so sure. Maz only smiled at her knowingly, and all that raced through Rey’s mind was _what exactly_ had Maz seen?

And Luke? He was watching her with cautious eyes, “That is what we will have to see, Rey.”

Rey cleared her throat uncomfortably, and wrenched her eyes from Maz’s to turn back to Luke.

“A test?” Rey asked wryly.

Luke inclined his head, “Of sorts. It’s not a big one. Just to see if you can maintain your focus under stress from the Dark Side-“ he chuckled at Leia’s indignant expression. “-Don’t worry, Rey. You’re not in danger of being seduced to the Dark Side there. It is a planet left to its own devices. It just happened to be influenced by Dark creatures and a Dark past. Equally, however, it was influenced by the Light. You will feel some pressure, perhaps struggle to maintain serenity and level headedness, but that is all. An exercise, really.”

That was fine, Rey could do this.

 “So, when do I leave?” Her voice was slightly weaker, and she hoped the others didn’t hear the nervousness break through.

“As soon as possible, I would think, considering Leia would like you to still fight with the troops to boost morale. Until then,” he patted Maz’s head affectionately, persisting even when she swatted at him, “The ‘Old Fossil’ will have to do as Jedi-booster.”

“Old Fossil though you may be,” Maz poked his stomach, “At least you’re making better decisions now. Still making mistakes, but at least they’re all new ones, and not really affecting your student at this time!”

Luke sighed in exasperation, “Thank you, Maz, for your ever-cryptic caveats.”

Leia raised a brow, “And sending her off alone is _not_ a mistake?”

“Oh no!” Maz laughed, “Best decision he ever made, in fact. He’s finally learning to let his apprentices grow on their own, without constant smothering with the Jedi Code and practices. That persistent drive was, as he knows well and has regretted, a contributing factor to young Ben’s fall.”

Leia’s face was unreadable, and Luke took a deep breath.

“You have no filter, do you know that, Kanata?” he admonished.

The little woman grinned roguishly, before running to the door when Chewie appeared, a large grin on his face.

_[The ship is primed, Luke. Whenever the Little One is ready, I can show her.]_

Luke was only too grateful for the distraction, and encouraged Chewie to show Rey immediately.

Rey followed the eager Wookiee, with Poe and Finn bouncing behind her, sulky pouts firmly in place at being told they could not accompany her.

It confused Rey when Chewie did not lead her to the _Falcon’s_ hanger, but instead to a smaller one all the way down the tarmac right by the repair yard. However, when the doors parted, Rey could see what had Chewie so enthusiastic.

A beautiful, but obviously restored, _Dynamic-_ Class light freighter sat in the middle of the dock. Its lines were similar to that of the _Falcon’s_ , if not a bit more blocked-off and compact, and it was much, much smaller.

 _[Han and I found her many years ago, in a scrapyard on Raxus Prime. We had crashed there after an, eh, explosive business deal went down the wrong way. This rare girl was still working, and got us home safe. We had been restoring her ever since, and finished her just before Han picked up smuggling again. She can be run by only one person without a problem, and I did some last-minute fixers on her thinking you would most likely need a ship of your own if you were going to be running Jedi missions.]_ Chewbacca looked almost bashful as he presented the stunning vessel to Rey, and she could not stop herself from gawking at the incredible gift.

Chewie continued, his growls gruff, but soft _, [I even took the liberty of installing several modifications the Falcon has, such as stealth enhancers and hyperdrive boosters-]_

Rey didn’t give him the chance to finish, squeezing him tightly around the middle and snuggling into his fluff.

“Thank you Chewie! Thank you, so much!” She hoped he could hear her past the muffling of his fur.

He seemed to, since he hugged her back and hummed appreciatively.

Poe whistled enviously at the ship, and Finn was running laps around it, eyes wide as he took it all in.

Rey had to laugh at them. Children, trapped in men’s bodies.

Luke appeared with Leia then. Luke was carrying Rey’s warblade, staff, and the lightsaber satchel, while Leia had Rey’s usual rucksack in her hands. It was widely known amongst their circle that all Rey had, she constantly stored in that bag, regardless of the cupboards available. They both appraised the ship in awe.

“What’s her name?” Rey asked Chewie.

He shrugged _, [Han wanted to call her Sparrow, because she’s a right quick thing, but if you want something different, Little One…?]_

Rey shook her head emphatically, “Nope. _Sparrow’_ s good!” Her grin was causing her cheeks to ache, “ _Sparrow_ ’s great!”

Rey found that saying goodbye never really got any easier. Especially when one was heading off alone.

Poe and Finn didn’t want to let her go, Luke and Leia kept the back-and forth going about how long they should expect her to be gone, and when to send troops after her.

It was Maz and Chewie who finally calmed them all down, and sent them on their way.

Now, Rey stood in the main hold with only Maz left after she had insisted on a private conversation.

The woman took a while before she spoke, looking Rey up and down, circling her, and analysing her.

When she did, however-

“You have been communing with Ben Solo.”

-Rey must have paled several shades right before the perceptive smuggler’s eyes.

“M-Maz-“

“And don’t even try to lie,” there was no malice in Maz’s voice, “I know connections when I see them. And I see his eyes right behind yours.”

Rey could not speak, her throat had constricted, and her mouth had gone dry.

Maz simply nodded at her expression, smiling widely and clapping, “I knew it! So,” she giggled and shuffled closer conspiratorially, casing Rey’s eyes to widen, “How did it come about, hmm? Just plain old Force communication, or something more delicious?”

Rey gawked at her, before finding her words, “I-Ugh,” Could she lie? No, no she couldn’t. Rey was stuffed now. “I-it’s a Force Bond, Maz. It happened on Starkiller, when he read my mind and I kicked him out.”

Maz gasped in delight, her eyes dancing, “A _Bond_ heh? Fascinating! _That_ must be where you get your brazenness with the Dark from, isn’t it?”

Maz’s tone was mischievous, but Rey felt like she wanted to be sick.

The little woman noticed this, and laughed light-heartedly, “Don’t worry, my dear. I won’t tell a soul. Obviously you can handle yourself against the Dark, after whatever you’ve done with that boy-“ Rey honestly did not know what to think of Maz’s suggestive timbre. “-But I am certain that whatever has transpired will be good for both of you!”

There was nothing coming to Rey’s mind, except a jumble of indiscernible strings of befuddled thought.

“Either way, I won’t want to jeopardize your progress,” she smiled blithely, “And all Leia would do is desperately use you as some sort of commune, Luke would have kath puppies, Poe’s head would just about explode, and I shudder to think how Chewie would respond.”

Rey had to hold the wall to stay upright, but gradually her panic ebbed away as Maz’s sincerity soothed her.

If anyone was going to find her out, it would be Maz.

“Maz,” she whispered, “Please, he- Just don’t-“

Maz took Rey’s hands in her own, and squeezed them reassuringly.

“Rey, you can relax. I know that boy, even though he thinks he may have changed a great deal, and if there’s anyone who has even a ghost of a chance of changing his mind, it’s you. I won’t sabotage that for anything.”

Then, she left without saying anything further, and though Rey was shaken, she found herself very trusting of the eccentric smuggler.

Rey allowed her mind to wander as she left D’Qar’s atmosphere and entered hyperspace after keying in Yavin IV’s locale.

Steadily, her prior eager anticipation began to build up once more, and Rey felt that the twenty three hour jump to Yavin would pass very slowly now that she was this keen to go.

Every so often during the course of those hours, her mind would brush up against the bond of its own volition. Eventually, Rey stopped shying from it and instead actively tried to contact the man on the other side. She would be lying if she said it was just to have another lesson, but that’s what she told herself.

Rey was happy when she noticed his barricade was not up, but dismayed when she realised his mind was far too occupied to notice her prods.

She gave up, and was all too elated when she could finally set the _Sparrow_ down on the overgrown landing platform that lay about forty meters away from the decrepit temple.

Rey had not been able to see much when she had come in for landing, but now that she stood out in the open, the strangest sense of familiarity took her when her gaze swept the tumbled masonry and scarred landscape.

For a second, she heard screaming.

And then it was gone.

There was surprise at the back of her mind, and a pleasant but somewhat unwelcome warmth spread through her chest.

_What in the name of the Force are you doing there?_

Unless Rey was mistaken, that was a slight thread of panic she heard in Kylo’s voice.


	25. Affinity

**_Chapter 25: Affinity_ **

_Fancy you dropping by, Kylo._ Rey made every effort to keep her tone neutral, despite desperately wanting to know why he had blocked her out lately. _Finished hiding behind Snoke’s skirts, or did you just miss me?_

_Rey…_

Rey supposed his tone was meant to come off as warning, but it fell short, far too gentle.

She shifted her warblade and staff till their straps ran parallel over her chest.

 _Or perhaps,_ Rey continued, letting her anger at his sudden abandonment and her subsequent dream seep in, _you just wanted to ‘remind me of my place’? Leave me to drea-_

_Rey I’m travelling to Korriban. I had my last audience with Snoke for a while. After Korriban, I have a mission of my own. I just wanted you to have a night of peace, is that so terrible?_

_It is when you have nightmares,_ she bit back, impressed with her own ability to keep her voice steady despite the surprise at learning Kylo was loose on the Galaxy again.

_I’m sorry._

_No, you’re not._ That was untrue, she could feel his sincerity, but she was far too jumbled where he was concerned and was going to take it out on him. _And what about transit? Can’t teach me then?_

Rey trudged irritably through the tangled undergrowth and to the desecrated temple entrance, leaning on one large, collapsed pillar as she took the tumbled brickwork in.

 _Not now, no._ He was dejected, and yet evasive. _There’s a man on this ship who would have all too much fun slitting my throat in my sleep-_

Rey’s calm broke, and she was sure he’d be able to feel her startled alarm. He quickly moved from that topic.

His voice was slow, and heavy- still hiding something- as Rey clambered and crawled through the caved entrance, and fell lightly on her feet in the antechamber thereafter. _-But to answer your first questions, even though they were probably rhetoric-_

She listened to him closely while she traversed the foyer, hopping from outcrop to outcrop and holding onto vines. It appeared that there was a floor below this, and the floor had crumbled.

_I missed you._

Rey yelped out loud as she missed a vine in shock, and landed rather hard in the room below. She jumped up just as quickly and dusted herself off, cheeks burning with embarrassment despite no one being there to see, thank the Force.

_Rey? Are you alright, what happened?_

_Oh you didn’t see?_

_I just felt abrupt surprise._ He was concerned again. Why did he always have to respond with _care?_

Nevertheless, Rey paused, relieved, and decided to embellish the truth a little. _The floor gave way and I performed a spectacular face-plant. You would have been proud._

He chuckled at that, and it made Rey smile, regardless of her tries not to.

His laugh would be the death of her. Hell, his smile would be the death of her, his laugh would curse her afterlife. Yet for some reason, the thought of how he affected her did not bother her as much as it had before.

 _You didn’t answer my question though, Rey. What are you doing at the Academy?_ And there his serious tone was back, and he seemed almost…scared? Good Force.

_I’m looking for lightsaber components, Kylo. Luke said it’s about time I do so._

His surprise was tangible, he had honestly not expected that answer.

_Just…Components? Is that all?_

_Yep._ Not so difficult to understand, was it? Sure maybe there was a holocron or two…Oh. And the young Ben Solo’s room. But there wouldn’t be anything of great importance in there.

 _Seriously?_ Was that relief?

_Well what did you think I was doing? Coming to spar the ghosts you left behind?_

He recoiled in her mind, and she instantly regretted the jab.

She contemplated apologising, but he spoke again before she could, his voice quiet.

_I didn’t kill them. I betrayed them and I suppose that is just as bad, but-_

_But you didn’t physically kill them?_

_I did not._

_You’re right,_ Rey said after a moment of walking in silence, and coming across a portion of a skeleton that was just far, far too small, _Betrayal is just as bad as snuffing them out yourself._

 _I know._ Both words hung heavy with a terrible remorse.

Rey’s curiosity, however, was piqued. _So what did you do, then? That night?_

She could feel his unwillingness to answer, and just left him in silence.

As always, two could play this game.

So far, Rey had only come across dead ends, smashed containers, and tiny remains. All so hauntingly similar...

Another friendly face, and no name.

It bugged her.

 _Luke._ He said rather suddenly, his tone yielding.

_Excuse me?_

_My job was to kill Luke…I failed._

_He escaped?_

_Something like that._

It was not a straight answer, and Rey knew he was being purposefully evasive, but it was a good enough answer for now.

After several more minutes of walking around aimlessly, Kylo told her to get to the floor above the entryway, and Rey found a vine-split wall sturdy enough to climb there from where she was. Granted, it was a terribly tight squeeze to get through the hole in the ceiling, but it was manageable.

Rey found herself in a dining area.

_Which components do you need, exactly?_

Rey laughed out loud, the sound echoing around the eerily silent temple.

_All of them._

He expressed disbelief at that, then astonishment.

_Truly? Nothing? And you want to make a double-bladed saber, correct?_

_Yes._

_…Do you particularly mind what the hilt looks like?_

_Not a bit, so long as it’s sturdy and some other certain Sith won’t be able to slice it in half and render me helpless._

He fell quiet, thinking, and she walked down a small corridor to the left. Dormitories.

_Your staff._

_My staff?_ She repeated back to him coyly.

Kylo sighed in response, _It’s durasteel right?_

_According to Luke, cortosis-weave durasteel._

_Perfect. Make your hilt out of that. Last I saw, it’s a flanged training staff. It’s hollow._

Rey stopped in her tracks, pleasantly stunned.

 _That’s…A pretty good idea actually…Fantastic!_ She was smiling again, ecstatic. _Hilt, done and dusted. I have a workbench back in the Sparrow with tools that can cut it._

He was intrigued, _Sparrow?_

_Oh, my new ship. I needed a one-man thing. It’s a light freighter, but modded to be close on the Falcon’s specs._

_Impressive,_ he definitely sounded impressed, _and rightly so, you’ll need a good ship._

She came to an open veranda, with corridors that lead down to what appeared to be the rest of the dormitories.

There was a courtyard to her right, littered with crushed, bleached bone, training weaponry, and collapsed building.

She shook off the screams that tittered on the edge of her hearing, writing them off as remnants of the Force left by the unfortunate students.

She threw all her thoughts into finding the components.

_Now, where to find the other…_

_In my room, corridor down the way._

_Huh?_

_My room, there are two Kunda lenses, a yellow crystal, a blue crystal, and two power crystals. I forget which. There are also three diatem power cells and a selection of emitters. Help yourself._

She was humbled, rooted to the ground for a moment before shaking herself right.

 _Thank you._ The words came out soft, nearly not even there, but he caught them. _How did you manage to get so many…?_

Rey trailed off, coming to the threshold of a corridor that was blocked off by a collapsed pillar and a sunken floor. She _knew_ this corridor, didn’t she? Sure, the proportions were a little different, the colour a little off and the markings slightly stranger…But she knew it, from her dream, didn’t she? She-

 _Not this corridor, Rey, the next one down._ His correction was a strained whisper.

She obeyed without thought, all too pleased to be able to shove away that uncanny feeling.

Rey went down the right corridor this time.

_Third door on your right._

The only room that still had its door closed, it seemed.

 _Well, I wasn’t escaping._ There was no humour in his voice. Only regret.

Again, she wanted to say she was sorry, but this time she was the one who suppressed the urge. One twist of the old mechanism, and the door slid apart on hinges made to last.

Rey didn’t know quite what she expected to see in there, but the reality of it was decidedly underwhelming. With the way certain Resistance troops went one, she thought there would have at least been s _omething_ vaguely Darth Vader-worshipping in here. Instead, it was bare.

 _I don’t worship Darth Vader._ His tone was irate.

Oops, she had projected that.

_Really? Then why did you have that mangled helmet in your mind when I pushed my way in?_

He sighed rather testily, _it’s an artefact of the Dark. Snoke recovered it as a focus for my meditation. While Jedi would use things like nature or simply nothing, Sith used items corrupted by the Force to help them focus their own venality._

_That makes a surprising amount of sense, actually._

She looked around the stone room, again, something that was so awfully familiar.

But of course, she had seen it all, or similar, in a Force dream. A taunting. A terror.

Then she spied something. A single piece in contrast to the rest of the decaying, empty room.

Her breath hitched in her throat when she brushed the dust off the small, hard rectangle on his bedside table.

It was a card version of the holophoto on Leia’s mantle.

Another side flipped forward, but it was empty. There were tiny ripped shreds along the inside of the frame, as if a photograph had been torn from it in haste.

 _Footlocker under my bed, Rey. All the pieces are in there._ His sudden interjection made her drop the leaflet in alarm, and she quickly shifted it back to where it was.

Rey dropped to her knees, and pulled the heavy plastisteel box in front of her.

The lock took some wiggling, but eventually she got it open.

Slowly, she began rummaging through the odds and ends of electronics till she found the pieces he had mention.

_Grab everything that looks to be in good enough condition and-_

_You don’t need to tell me twice. Leave. Yes, leave. Trust me, I want to._

This place was getting to her.

Just as she was about to close the box, after having collected everything that looked salvageable, a half-formed hilt clipped forward, and a jagged ruby-red gem bounced out. Rey picked it up with delicate fingers, and upon closer inspection, realised the crystal was in fact perfectly smooth. The facets Rey had seen were caused by the multiple cracks that ran through the crystal, by never marred the surface. It was warm in her fingers, and almost seemed to vibrate, but the effect was so small, at times Rey though she was imagining it.

The crystal even glowed. When she cupped her hands, Rey saw it emanated a light the colour of Kylo’s current weapon, just much more muted without the emitter and power cell.

A kyber crystal. It had to be. Luke had mentioned it before, but he had never mentioned any being brought into the Academy. To be fair, he had never really talked about the Academy in any excess before suggesting she go there.

Rey pocketed the gem, and put the box back where it belonged.

With Kylo’s help, she found the main entrance in record time, and even with the added bulk of the components, still managed to get through the games in the debris.

From this perspective, with dusk beginning to fall, the sight of the forest sent shivers racing down Rey’s spine.

Her dream. She knew it from her dreams that was all. And those dreams were meant to unsettle you.

Well, they were doing a pretty damn good job.

_Rey?_

She had been standing there for a while, staring at the dark forest and rubbing her arms to chase away the tremors.

_Rey? Do you want me to help you set the parts? I remember how to make a double so that you can light each side separately as well as simultaneously._

Luke had only given her the schematics for a single-bladed saber when she had received all the holocrons to read. Tradition be damned, he was offering his aid, and she only had so many components to spare.

_Yes, please. That would be great._

_Pick out your desired components, take apart your staff, and I’ll help you from there._

She hated to admit it, but he really was a good instructor, and four gruelling hours later, Rey held the finished hilt of her double-bladed saber in her hands.

Kunda lenses, sigil and rubat power crystals, fencing emitters, diatem cell, and a gleaming yellow core crystal. All set in a compact section of her staff.

 _Moment of truth?_ He asked, sounding almost as nervous as she felt.

_It won’t explode will it?_

He laughed, _I’ve only ever seen that happen once, and the fool was experimenting with Mustafarian ore. So no, I doubt it._

Rey held the saber out, grit her teeth, and pressed the lock switch that activated the blades simultaneously.

The room was washed in a spectacular off-yellow glow. Not the bright yellow from the illusion. But it was perfect.

 _Slightly orange-yellow?_ He asked, probably hearing her thoughts. He sounded reverent. In awe.

_Yeah, it’s beautiful._

_It must be the rubat. Sometimes power crystals can add a hue to the blade._ He gave pause. _Truly, well done, Rey. Does it feel right? Fall right in your grip?_

She gave it a few practice twirls. It was certainly different to any normal melee weapon, what with no actual weight in the blades, but there was a certain resistance that came with the energy forcing in two different directions. It was absolutely wonderful to Rey.

Kylo could feel her joy, and she in turn could feel his pleasure at it.

 _It’s good,_ he said softly, _to find a weapon so suited to yourself._

She could not take her eyes from the shimmering blade, nor could she ignore the sound of pure admiration in Kylo’s words.

Rey took a deep breath.

_I’m sorry for the comments earlier. While they were, uh-_

_Deserved?_ He supplied, his tone in no way angry nor defensive.

 _-Deserved,_ Rey continued slowly, _it was uncalled for._

She felt him hesitate, then only just caught his quiet _‘Thank you.’_

It was plain that he did not share her sentiments.

Then, reluctance bloomed over the bond as she deactivated the vibrant lightsaber, and clipped it to her belt, then headed to the cockpit.

_I’m afraid I need to leave you now, Rey._

_S_ he was oddly saddened.

_And no chance of another lesson?_

He was flustered, but gathered himself quickly, _At least not until I’ve finished this mission._

 _Very well._ She knew he could hear the disappointment in her tone, and Rey felt him begin to fade away.

He honestly was unwilling to go.

_Thank you, Kylo._

Rey knew he heard her before he vanished completely.

With a shaky sigh, she punched in the codes for Cato Neimoidia.

One mission down, one more slightly perilous one to go.

When she hit hyperspace, the nerves from her time in the temple, and what was to come started to get to her. The ship was too quiet with no one else aboard. Her mind felt too silent without Kylo there.

Two days and a bit to the dressed-up scum of Cato Neimoidia.

Rey sat back in the pilot’s chair, feet perched on the locked console, and stared into the rushing blue of hyperspace while furiously shuffling her pazaak deck.


	26. Succour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE SO LISTEN UP  
> Alrighty well my University classes have officially started, and a BA Fine Arts is an all-day practical degree so....  
> I'm afraid I probably won't be updating this EVERY DAY like I have done.  
> BUT I promise to make a concerted effort, and if not, rest assured that I will aim for every 2 to 3 days, and possibly 3 chapters over weekends :D  
> Thank you all very much for your terrific support!  
> xx

**_Chapter 26: Succour_ **

Cato Neimoidia was a beautiful place as first sight. It was all pink clouds, great rocky arches, and suspended, gleaming cities.

This was, at least, until Rey turned around to face the sector she had been made to land in.

There were still pristine walkways, smart buildings, and people of all species going about their daily, bustling life. Only, if you looked closer, you could see the faint cracks in the wall, the ever so slightly peeling paint, and the nefarious deals going on in dark corners.

Rey felt right at home with all the contract-peddling. It was the attractive, welcoming veneer of the city that she couldn’t stand. At least Niima outpost had never tried to hide what it was. Cato Neimoidia was just as much a slave and scavenger outpost, just of a more high-class scale.

Nevertheless, Rey was tired, lonely, fearful, and still had nine hours till her jump window.

But hey, if that’s the time she had to wait for an unsolicited trip to the edges of known space without the First Order poking their noses in, she would take it.

She spotted a somewhat dubious cantina, but it was the only one, even in this run-down sector, that wasn’t crawling with First Order officers- on or off duty. Rey smiled to herself when she walked in and saw a pair of Twi’lek dancing on a podium in the far corner of the dingy bar. Perfect level of seediness, she thought- taking in the clientele as well- just enough to keep the mainstream mercenaries around and the big-guns out, but not enough to attract the slavers and other villainous scum of the galaxy.

There was even a wide panoramic window, she noted with some appreciative surprise, and sat down at the far stool there, in the corner. This bar owner got fracking lucky. The view was spectacular, catching the early beginning of the sunset as it painted the sky in titian and pinks.

Rey ignored the look she got from the server as he spotted her lightsaber, instead throwing him the most disarming smile she could manage.

No need to display how scared she truly was at her core. Sure, the general populace was a special brand of familiar, but not the kind that made Rey feel at ease.

Only when she had taken out her trusty pazaak deck, did the server pick up enough guts to walk up to her. Quiet the skittish Neimoidian, it seemed.

“What’ll it be, girl?”

She was at a loss, only really have tasted that toxic moonshine Jakku had to offer, and Corellian whiskey. She doubted if this place had either.

“I suppose you don’t have any Corellian Whiskey on that list of yours, do you?” she asked in a pleasantly teasing tone.

The server laughed uproariously, finally at ease. That was more than what Rey could say of herself, despite the calm she was exuding to the unlearned.

“How ‘bout I just bring ye some caffa till ye decide?”

“Perfect.”

He slunk away, chuckling.

Not even a few minutes later, Rey had a steaming mug placed before her with a dull thud.

She took a swig and had to concentrate to keep her features straight, focussing on the gorgeous scenery instead of the battery acid that was making its way down her throat. It was definitely caffa, it was just typical spacer caffa. Not Poe’s special milked-up and sugar-infused taste of heaven.

No, this was just normal, bitter caffa, but when the caffeine buzz set in and soothed Rey’s nerves, she could forgive the clearly radioactive liquid.

She just made sure she took bigger gulps and swallowed it faster, and Rey almost expected victory bells to ring when she shoved the empty mug away. She’d be lucky of she tasted anything for days after this. Allowing her eyes to flutter closed momentarily, she just enjoyed the warmth that the caffa had given her. Even for as long as Rey had been away from Jakku, she could still not fully get used to the cold.

“I have to say, _I’m_ impressed. Never been able to finish one of those straight caffa’s.”

_Sweet Force!_

On reflex, her eyes flew open and her hand gripped her lightsaber.

But there was a firm, un-gloved hand on her wrist, keeping her from doing anything rash. A tiny part of her was grateful for it.

She didn’t dare look at him, not quite believing he was there. Then, that silver cross-guard saber appeared before her eyes, held by a pale, bare hand. He leaned forward and placed it on the counter, close to the window, then sat down on the stool next to her, around the corner. She almost flinched when his knee brushed hers.

“Imagine meeting you here, Rey.”

His voice was neither threatening, nor surprised. Just curious.

Rey met his gaze cautiously, her hand still on her saber, and his other hand still on her arm, on her skin. His face was gentle, a minute smile tugging at the corners of his lips. Somehow, the illusion did not do reality justice. It was strange, how a change of clothes could alter a person. He was in simple robes once more, but these where a mix of light grey and navy blue. Civilian. And yet, he looked more at ease than he ever had in his combat garb.

At her undoubtedly tumultuous set of expressions, Kylo slowly let her go, fingertips lightly grazing her wrist before he pulled his hand away completely. He watched her in silence for a while, his smug smile growing with every beat that Rey did not speak.

“Any particular reason why you’re following me?” He asked, “Hunt me down for a lesson, perhaps?” Rey could have been imagining it, but she swore he had flashed a cheeky grin before slipping back into a smirk. Only, Kylo Ren was not inclined to smile like that.

“Absolutely not!” she managed to answer, aghast, and only just keeping her voice at a respectable bar-volume. “This is my jump station, nine hour layover.”

“So you _do_ still have a voice.”

Rey glared at him, hand tightening around her saber and fingers flexing in a wave.

Kylo’s eyes flicked down to the hilt and back to her face, raising a brow in question.

At her lack of response, he leant forward till his face was inches from hers, and whispered, “If you want to fight _that_ badly, I’d suggest we take it outside. I don’t want to jeopardise one of the few places I can walk with anonymity and relative comfort by a misguided show of Force.” The feeling of his breath ghosting her cheek and neck made her shiver involuntarily. She hoped he didn’t notice.

Rey unclipped her saber, and dropped it next to his.

“Happy?” she asked.

He dipped his head, hair falling into his eyes and back as he straightened again, “Thrilled.”

His stare was something hypnotic, and it took Rey a considerable effort to look back out the window again.

“And how am I supposed to know you weren’t following me?” she asked testily.

She saw him shrug in her peripherals.

“Easy, I was here before you. Imagine my surprise when I walk out of the adjoining lounge and see _you_ knocking back a cup.”

A smile flickered over her lips at that, and she could feel a strange relief wash off of the man. The bond was still blocked, no wonder neither had sensed the other. Thankfully, Rey did not need a Force Bond to read him.

He shifted a little next to her, arm waving and gesturing something to the server. Soon, four glasses appeared on the counter. He pushed two in front of her. The server was cackling now. One drink was clear and one vaguely amber, or bright yellow depending how the light hit it.

Rey’s eyes jumped from the two drinks to meet Kylo’s eyes once more, struck by the friendliness that shone through the fatigue. Something was hounding him, Rey mused, but he was putting on a brave face for her, of all people.

“And this?” she asked playfully.

“Two juma, two juri, one of each for us. Every spacer needs their staple, I’m told juma and juri are available on all worlds. I guess, with the amount travelling I have no doubt you’ll have to do, you should probably find your favourite?” His eyes sparkled, “Just be careful not to have too much, they usually aren’t too strongly brewed, I’m told. But if you find the right bar…”

Rey narrowed her eyes at him and picked up the clear drink. He did likewise.

“Are you,” she looked at him accusingly, “trying to get me drunk, Ren?”

His eyes widened in genuine astonishment, but he quickly recovered answering with mock innocence and looking slightly wounded, “What? Me? Why, never.”

Rey rolled her eyes, and tapped their glasses when he held his out.

Just before she took a sip, gaze still locked with his, it astounded her just how easily this…companionship…came. They were oddly at ease in each other’s company.

She heard him choke just as the vile liquid hit the back of her own throat, and Rey spat it back into the glass. Without stopping to think if the second drink would be any better, she took a large gulp of it if only to drown out the taste of the other. Mercifully, the yellow fluid tasted of fruit, and was just slightly sharp.

Rey looked up from her second drink to see Kylo still spluttering slightly, eyes watering. He was looking at her with suspicion.

“Is the second really any good, or are you just trying to get me killed, and have a lead-lined throat I’m unaware of?”

Rey shook her head, “Nah, this one’s good.”

Hesitantly, he took a sip, then a long drink as his previously scrunched up face eased with relief.

To her confusion, he looked under the glass.

“Juma it is, then.”

With her eyebrows raised in puzzlement, she looked under her own glass.

Ah. Labels.

Rey’s eyes snapped back to the man’s wry face.

“It’s a game the bartenders like to play here,” he explained hastily at her accusing expression, “They don’t tell you which is which. Look-“

The Neimoidian behind the main dispensary was doubled over against the counter with laughter.

“-I’ve seen them do it before, never took part myself.”

“Till now?”

He picked up the scattered deck, and pushed the two offending juri cups far away from them.

“Till now.”

Rey knew she probably should have left.

But instead, she played pazaak with Kylo Ren.

“So, what _are_ you actually doing here, Kylo?” Rey asked when they started their second hand.

“My mission.”

She let her expression do the talking for her, and he sighed in surrender.

“Snoke sent me to wrangle some information out of a Togruta. His family had history,” he said quickly, “And yourself?”

For a moment, Rey honestly considered answering ‘my mission’, if only to get him back for being so evasive, but decided against it anyway.

“Luke is sending me out to find more holocrons. Some planet out just beyond the Outer Rim. Apparently the only thing I have to fear is the fauna.” She didn’t sound so sure of herself now that she was on the verge of travelling there.

That he noticed, and startled her by placing his hand over one of her own and squeezing it lightly before pulling back.

The gesture was quick, and no doubt innocent in its intent, but it left Rey’s skin tingling.

Frack it, she thought, she should have left.

He nodded slowly, oblivious to her inner conflict. Or maybe he just wasn’t one to pry. Rey wrenched her eyes from her hand to his face.

On second thought, maybe he had a struggle of his own going on, judging by his somewhat ravening expression.

It made her gut flip unnervingly.

“Luke always was one for amassing archives. Much like my current master, in fact.”

Rey put her cards down after losing the set, and fixed him with a determined stare.

“What exactly did Snoke want from some Togruta?”

His own gaze steeled defensively, “I’m unsure that’s any of your business.”

“I’m asking you, not Snoke. You decide.”

“It’s none of your business.” He was definitely defensive now, but more so reluctant. Ashamed. A conflicted look on his face akin to when he had just struck his father down.

The memory stung Rey.

“Did Snoke want the alien dead after this information was ‘extracted’, by whatever nefarious means you used?”

“Rey-“ He frowned at her, but the frown did not reach his imploring eyes.

“Did you kill the Togruta, Kylo? Did you kill another innocent person?”

“Rey-“

For a second, it crossed Rey’s mind that any witness would have thought him the Jedi, and she the Sith, for all the self-control he was exuding, and her lack thereof.

Perhaps the juma had gone to her head. Perhaps she was still raw about Han’s death and had never really faced it before.

Perhaps it was just the oddity of their whole relationship that was finally wearing her down.

“Did you finish him off just like you swept aside Ha-“

“ _Rey!”_

She flinched when he let his hand hit the counter just a little hard, his remaining cards face down on the shambolic deck.

Rey simply stared him out, her eyes defiant, his having lost their defensiveness.

“Yes, Snoke wanted him dead,” Kylo’s voice was soft again, having gotten her attention, “And no, I did not kill him.”

Rey blinked twice before the words actually sunk in, and once again she felt guilt at the fact that she had pushed him too far. Even though he deserved it.

He sighed, and collected the deck together, handing it to her. Was he always this collected? Rey was sure the stories of Kylo Ren never failed to cite his tempers.

“Come with me.” He stood suddenly, and tossed credits enough for all their drink on the countertop.

“What?” Rey looked up at him from her seat, bathed in the red glow of the Neimoidian sunset.

He held out his hand and clipped his saber to his belt with the other.

“Rule number one of travelling long distances; Take time to enjoy it.”

He handed Rey’s own saber to her, and she took it, ignoring his still outstretched hand.

“And what does that have to do with anything?” Her voice was barely audible as her eyes flicked between his hand and his face, amazed that he had so quickly brushed away her biting jabs.

“You want to know what I needed of the Togruta, I want you to enjoy the layover time you have here. I, too, have plenty of time.”

“And what did you have in mind at this time?”

What was he suggesting? She dared not hope, nor entertain any ideas.

Maz would have a field day with this ammunition.

He inclined his head to the window, where the sun was still about a half an hour away from the horizon, “Never miss a Neimoidian sunset, and I have a much better place to watch it from.”

She considered him tentatively. His expression was unbelievably tender, and pleading. There was a certain sadness to his look, but his entire poise was only inviting.

Rey should leave. She should just get up, refuse his offer, and go hide in her ship.

But having him _there._ Really _there…_

Against her better judgement, she took his hand.

Rey knew she wanted to make him smile more often, after she saw  _that_ one alight his face.


	27. Duality

**_Chapter 27: Duality_ **

Rey let Kylo lead her out of the bar, and down several walkways till they emerged on a relatively tucked away promenade. He was right, it was a much better spot to watch the sunset.

But he didn’t stop there.

He darted to the building side, where thick vines and terraces lay out of sight, and Rey yelped at the unexpected movement.

“Kylo-!”

“Come, Rey!”

The expression he wore stopped all complaint in her mind, and wiped her face of the indignant expression she was about to throw him. His eyes were wide, and filled with wistful excitement. The smile from before played around the corners of his lips.

Did he have to look at her like that?

Her eyes followed Kylo as he let go of her hand and clambered up the vines. She followed once he reached the top, brushing away all hesitation she might have had. When Rey neared the end of the vines, once again his hand appeared in her vision, and this time she did not wait to grab it. Kylo hauled her only the ledge, taking her other hand as well to better pull her up.

Even though she could have managed fine, he held her till she was steady on her feet, and Rey could not find it in herself to feel shame at the contact.

She squinted up at him with an impish smile, “So I take it all this means a truce, and you aren’t going to whisk me away to First Order hell? For now?”

He huffed a short chuckle, and pulled her down with him to sit with their backs against the building’s wall. Rey was not even surprised at the sudden movement now, having decided just to roll with the oddity that was this entire chance meeting.

“Truce for now,” he affirmed, his tone playful, if not a little resigned.

They were in a mirror of their position during that first training session. Collapsed against a wall, sides touching but not, knees mere moments away from resting together.

Before Rey’s eyes lay a beautiful sea of pink and orange clouds, just being kissed by the sun as it began its decent below the horizon.

“You do this a lot?” Rey asked softly.

“As often as I can managed, whichever planet I may be on. “

Rey would never have it of him.

He noticed.

“You don’t believe me?”

She shrugged in response and asked, “Which sunset is your favourite, then?”

He shifted where he sat, moving ever so slightly closer to her which at this proximity pressed their arms together. Neither flinched away.

“Yavin 4, just after a rainy day. The rainbows made it truly spectacular.”

Rey flicked her eyes from the sunset to him.

He had been looking at her already.

 _Why_ did he look at her that way?

The intensity with which his gaze studied her made Rey want to fidget. Instead, she changed the topic hoping to at least empty his eyes of _that look._

“So tell me, before you spill your guts about the Togruta you _didn’t_ kill…Why aren’t you training me anymore?”

Points for keeping the tone steady, Rey thought, since she felt everything but.

“I am,” he deadpanned, the light in his eyes dying and Rey immediately regretted it.

She must have shown confusion instead of the dismay she felt, because Kylo felt the need to explain himself.

“Look at what you’ve done, Rey. You fended off a strike force without my guidance. You learned Force Choke without my help-“ Though his voice was strained on the latter note, that previous glow was returning to his face. “-I knew you were doing fine, so I let you grow by yourself-“ He was hiding something, but the evasiveness was drowned out by the insistence in his voice. “-When you were on Yavin Four, I couldn’t help myself. As it turned out, my instruction came in handy. To be truthful, Rey, there is really not much more I can teach you, or help you understand. I can only guide you now.”

The way he was looking at her, edged close as he was…

Rey figured it out.

It was adoration. But…more…

Her heart lurched into her throat, and she hastily turned back to the view. She could feel his breath caress her jaw and neck at his sudden exhale.

“And the Togruta?” Rey managed to croak out after a long pause wherein she struggled to gain a handle on her concentration.

Kylo sighed next to her, and she shivered once more at the tickling sensation over her skin.

When he didn’t respond for a long time, Rey looked back at him, and her jaw when slack in concern.

Kylo’s head was against the wall, and both his hands covering his face.

Without thinking, Rey put her hand on her shoulder and shifted slightly to face towards him.

She could feel more than hear him take a deep breath and release it shakily, letting his hands slide from his face.

Then he started talking. Babbling really, and not meeting her eyes. She listened in mute horror as he told her what Snoke had told him. About the Ones, about the Yuuzhan Vong, and then Kylo shared his fears of Snoke wanting an end to the Force.

“An end? But _how…”_

Rey had to admit, it might solve a lot of problems. It could have prevented a lot of pain.

But what in the world would it entail? How did you _kill_ the Force?

“Apparently, he is interested in the effect the death of the Ones would have on the Force. More importantly, the death of the Son and Daughter, the Dark and Light. As the legend says, as the cycles go, and either side wins, the season that follows will be one of either Darkness or Light, depending on the victor. He-“

Kylo was on edge, and something terrible became apparent to Rey.

“You think you’re the Son.”

He stared straight ahead of him, breathing coming short.

“And Snoke wants an absence of both,” Rey breathed, eyes widening at the implications, and she tightened her hold on his shoulder. He was trembling.

“Kylo-I…You-“ She was speechless in shock, and decided to jump into her first question instead of dwelling on this titbit any longer. “And this Togruta? What made him so important?”

Kylo’s face tightened in the now-cobalt wash of the sunset.

“His family ancestry were deeply rooted in both Sith and Jedi academies. More importantly, a female ancestor of his was a Chronicler at a secret Sith Academy who were viscerally interested in this topic, during Old Republic times. According to my Master, he might have still held information. My master was right, but not entirely about the Academy’s interest in the Ones. To my surprise, their research and experimentation was complete, and but meagre common knowledge to the Togruta. Their main focus was on some event that took place on Malachor V…” He trailed off, then cleared his voice and continued, “But what he told me on the Ones, though reassuring as far as the future of the Force is concerned, it’s still rather…”

He ran a hand over his face again, before letting it come to rest over Rey’s hand, which was still firmly on his shoulder.

“What did he say?” She was almost dreading his answer. The way he was acting...He was spooked. He was _afraid._

“That is has been a long time, since before the Sith existed even as a species, since the Ones every physically manifested as a single person. Instead, the Ones are…a state of being. Their experiments, their tests, they found that the legends weren’t as close to truth as they once thought.”

He gave pause, and Rey waited patiently for him to collect his thoughts.

She ignored the pleasant feel and weight of his hand over hers.

“The Daughter, instead of being a being of pure light, was a being of core Light but equally drawn to the Dark. Likewise, the Son was a being of core Darkness, who was equally drawn to the Light. It was a difficult phenomenon for them to study because even their description does not quite encompass the extent of their findings. In truth, each being was even parts Dark and Light. They sought one, but were drawn to the other. Again, equal parts need and want. Balance. That ‘balance’ is the manifestation of the Father.”

Kylo’s face was troubled, and the lines between his brows spoke of anxiety.

“And what…what happens when one side wins out? When the person gives in to either?”

He shrugged, their clenched hands moving in unison, “Then one more powerful soul is gained by either the Dark or Light, and a ‘season’ beings, as the legend goes, only on a smaller scale. But I’m sure you can understand, with enough Sith or enough Jedi…Lives are easily destroyed and tides often turned by how many lightsabers you have on your side.”

The ultimatum was a petrifying idea to Rey, and her nails undoubtedly dug into Kylo’s skin through his tunic, “But this…That means the Force itself is safe. There will always be one more Force-Sensitive. Snoke can’t kill them all…He can’t…”

“Well, that, and he’ll remain. So what happens then? The Dark wins? That’s still not his goal achieved.” He rested heavily on her, and she found herself leaning into him too, enjoying the welcome warmth.

As the sun went down, so did the temperature, and Rey was still not the best at dealing with the cold.

“But what…what happens then if both sides win, or lose? Within a person?” Her voice was small, even in the silence of the hidden area they had stolen away to.

He faltered for a moment, “I-I don’t actually know. I’m unsure if that’s even a possibility.”

“It must be. Surely a person can accept that they have like propensity to _both?”_

He snorted lightly, “Trying to find justification for your use of the Dark?”

Rey ignored his jab, and kept watching as the stars came out.

They sat in silence for a long time, just watching the night sky morph and grow as more and more pinpricks of twinkling light splashed across it. Rey hadn’t even realised her head was drooping, till she felt her cheek hit the backs of his fingers, and her own sandwiched hand felt more weight. She froze in wary anticipation of his reaction.

It was unnecessary, for all he did was let his own head come to rest on hers, and budged to better accommodate her.

While she was relieved that his reaction was not one more explosive, she could only internally yell at herself, wondering what the _frack_ they were doing.

Hesitantly, she asked with a quiet voice, “So what happens now?”

“I’ll go back to Korriban, share my findings, and receive my next missive...” At her sigh, he continued, the ring of his earlier cheerfulness back in his voice at her disgruntled nature, “Do you mean what happens at this very moment, what happens with our use of the Force, or what happens with us?”

She swallowed, her mouth having abruptly gone very dry.

“What happens with us, at this very moment?”

She didn’t want to know about the Force. She wanted to keep believing she was a good person, no matter what sides she drew upon. That would be good enough for her.

But what they were doing? Oh, Rey wanted his thoughts on that. Hopefully they would help her figure out her own mess of mind.

 “Well, I could give you a lesson, since you seemed so eager for one earlier. I do, after all, still have six hours to wait. I think you have four.”

Good grief they had been sitting there for a very long time, even if Neimoidian sunsets were longer than the ones on Jakku.

She shivered then as a gust of wind hit the broad side of the building they were perched on. Kylo moved his arm that was wedged between them, and wrapped it around her shoulders, tucking her close. This certainly chased away the chills, but it also only served to increase her flustered state.

“Or,” he said, his voice slightly lower and softer, “We could just sit here and stargaze. Pretend the war isn’t going on, and we’re not currently s _upposed_ to be trying to kill each other.”

Rey laughed, and she could feel his cheek turn up in a smile.

“So what’ll it be? Lesson, or denial-infused star-counting?”

“Stars, please.”

He nodded as if he had been expecting her to pick it. As if he innately _knew_ she would. He had made not a single persuasion nor movement to incline her towards a sparring session.

Rey eased into his side, legs resting against his. For all the time that they spent there, with Kylo pointing out the constellations, and chasing the cold from Rey’s bones…She knew that if she closed her eyes and let her mind wander, she may have been able to imagine there truly was no war, and the man holding her to his side like she was the most precious thing he had beholden, was in fact not her enemy.

The night was quiet as he led her back to her ship. She had been almost disappointed when he had given her half-hour’s warning for her departure window. Even more so when he had pulled himself from next to her, and climbed down to wait for her at the bottom.

However, he had instantly tugged her close to him before they started the walk to her dock. He claimed it was because of the ilk that came out at night and he didn’t want any attention for unnecessary lightsaber-wielding, she told herself she needed the warmth.

Both were pretty weak excuses, even to the people who made them.

By the time they did get to her ship, she had seventeen minutes to prime and get into atmosphere. Perfectly achievable, if only she actually wanted to leave.

Rey turned to face him as the ramp hit the platform, startled by how close to her he still was.

Kylo wore that same burning look from earlier that sent lances of nervousness through Rey’s gut.

He was far too close.

“Good luck, with whatever you encounter on that planet.”

She should have boarded right then,

“Will you be there? If I call you?” She didn’t need to specify. He knew.

His hands were on her upper arms, his face mere inches from hers.

“Of course, Rey.” It was only a murmur, but clear in their proximity.

She was holding his forearms, and his eyes were searching her face.

It was the blaring automated fifteen-minute dock warning that caused Rey to jerk back, and hastily step onto the ramp.

Kylo’s breath left his mouth in rapid puffs of vapour in the brisk air, his gaze conflicted, but hungry.

Rey nodded once to him, then fled up the ramp. There were no coherent thoughts in her mind as she punched the relevant codes in, and just made in in time for her jump window.

She was in space now, hurtling towards the unknown.

She wanted to be back on that platform, and it scared her.


	28. Tenuous

**_Chapter 28: Tenuous_ **

Rey knew she was going to have trouble from the second she entered the lightning-clad atmosphere. It was a miracle she even made it past the clouds in one piece.

Dromund Kaas, Luke’s navigational charts had said.

So, that building looming in the distance must be the temple Luke wanted her to trawl, if the coordinates were any good. Right in the middle of the swamp, how fantastic.

A flyover revealed no set place to land, so Rey found the closest clearing and set the _Sparrow_ down. The same scope-out had also shown that most of the temple was overgrown and desecrated.

Well, honestly, what else had she been expecting?

Certainly not what she felt when her feet fell on the planet’s surface.

It was _alive._

The pulsing energy resonated from Rey’s soles into the very hairs of her head. She could feel it working on her, and panicked when an unfamiliar touch prodded her mind.

Rey jumped back onto the platform as if burnt, and the tendrils ran on her skin and in her veins no more.

When that other side of her wanted to taste it again, Rey knew the energy to be Dark.

_Dromund Kaas?_

This time she did flinch at his voice in her head, still spooked by the whispers of the planet. Rey fell to the ramp, sitting in it and staring at the fetid swamp illuminated only by small swathes of bioluminescence and the constant lightning overhead.

His tone was appalled, even bordering on furious.

 _Why the_ frack _would Luke send you there? What was he thinking?_

Rey wasn’t sure, but that had to be the first time she had ever heard him swear.

 _What is this place?_ As much as she rubbed her arms, she could not chase away the feeling of that _pull_ on her every nerve that had so abruptly replaced the memory of Kylo’s hands on her.

 _A Dark planet, as you’ve felt. A very, very Dark planet. It was the centre of the Sith Empire at one point. And you’re in the swamps?_ He was disbelieving, as if hoping what he was hearing was a lie.

Rey herself was stunned. She knew it had traded hands, but S _ith Empire?_

_Yes. Why?_

_You’re looking for a temple?_ Was he scared?

_Yes-_

_That absolute idiot._ _That_ utter _fracking-_ He was unnerved.

_Kylo, what’s wrong?_

_Rey, planets like Dromund are places I get sent to train. They’re places that are exceptionally Dark, and more that often they are overrun with remnants of the Sith that once lived on them-_

_Remnants like?_

_Traps, dangerous puzzles, illusions, apparitions. You heard the beginning of the voices, take that as an example, and take your pick as to what you can expect to encounter._ He paused, his demeanour outraged. _And he’s sending you to the_ temple _of all places…_

Suddenly, Rey wasn’t quite so sure she could pull this off.

 _Kylo,_ she asked softly, _have you been here before?_

 _No,_ he answered honestly, _I can understand why Luke would send you there, as all records pertaining to the place are vague at best. Snoke, however, was there at one point._

_And he shares all his stories, does he?_

_Only the ones that spur me to serve him._

_And what of Dromund Kaas did so?_

_Fear of it._

There was no falsification in his tone, and it made Rey’s chest clench in sudden apprehension.

But she had to do this.

 _You really don’t, Rey._ His tone was gentle.

 _Why do you care, anyway? Worst case scenario I get seduced by the Dark. Win for you, right?_ She threw back, slightly sharper than she intended.

 _No, Rey._ His tenderness was strained with worry. _The worst case is that you die._

_Win for the First Order then._

_But not for me._

Did he really have to…?

She decidedly ignored the pang in his voice.

 _Why?_ Rey asked demandingly, but still there was a quiver of timidity present.

_Have I not only been trying to keep you alive? This is not the best place to ensure that._

_Then help me. Please._ She probably shouldn’t have asked. She should never have needed- or wanted- his support.

_I’ll help you, by asking- begging if I have to- for you to get off that damned planet._

_Well I’ll save you the begging and say you either help me do my mission, or leave me to focus alone._

His mind was made, she could feel it, even though he tried to silently argue with himself.

_Rey…_

She picked herself up from the ramp, disembarked once more, and this time watched it close.

_Yes?_

Rey took a deep breath, already feeling the energy creep under her skin again.

She just focused on Kylo, and started walking in the direction of the temple.

_Just…Just please be careful. I can only do so much, I can’t physically help you. Please keep yourself safe._

Her heart twisted violently at the nuances in his voice. There was no agenda, no feeding persuasion.

When he would say things like this, all his ulterior motives would fall away, and his voice would be laid bare.

Rey didn’t yet know if she hated him for it. Or…

_I’ll do my best._

It took her a while, but she eventually got to the gaping maw of the destroyed entrance.

 _Should I be worried that we didn’t come across any wildlife?_ She balked at her unintentional use of ‘we’, but either he didn’t notice or didn’t care.

_Very._

_Smashing._

He sounded as anxious as she felt.

Her tongue felt thick in her dry mouth, and swallowing did nothing to clear the frightened lump from her throat as she made her way into the musty building. It most likely looked worse than it actually was, what with the only source of light being the maelstrom in the clouds above.

_Well, Kylo, you’ve been in temples like this. Where would the archives be?_

_Sub-level or catacombs. At least, the holocrons that don’t contain common knowledge._

_So, under the temple? Under the big, imposing cataclysm of all Darkness? Oh, better! In the_ crypt _of said imposing cataclysm of all Darkness?_

 _The Sith were nothing if not dramatic._ His voice was wry, but tense. She could tell he was trying to alleviate her spirits. _Remember, everything had to do with focal points. So the closer you get to any holocrons of importance- whether it be to you or them- you’re going to meet struggle with the spirits guarding this place._

She gasped lightly as the energy running in her system doubled its efforts. The whispers on the edges of her hearing got louder, and she did not want to hear what they had to say once they became discernible.

Kylo noticed her pause. She knew he could feel her struggle.

_Rey. Focus, take your attention away from them. They want to break you, they want to keep you. Don’t let them._

_Focus on what? They’re getting louder!_ Her breath was coming faster, and shorter. Rey could make out different voices in the haze.

 _Me, Rey, focus on me. I have no real volume in your mind. I can drown them all out. Just focus on my presence, like you did before._ He was pleading, desperate.

_It didn’t work._

_You slipped, it will. Come on. Focus on me._

It took effort, but eventually the whisperings ebbed as she felt out Kylo’s presence in her mind and put her concentration into it. He was relieved at her feat. It amazed her that he truly didn’t want her to be lost on this planet. He didn’t want her to fall. At least, not like this.

It was then that Rey squinted in confusion to the end of a very long hallway, which seemed to lead to a descending staircase. In the inky black was a faint orange glow. Rey unhooked her saber.

_Kylo…Are there by any chance some strange kind of eternal flames at burn in ancient temples? Just on a whim._

His confusion was palpable. _Unless it’s sinister looking purple-ish lightning in a localised area, no._

Rey shifted closer to the wall, hiding in the shadows, as the orange glow increased.

_Then I’m not alone._

Kylo’s alarm was blatant over the bond _. Who?_

A cloaked figure appeared, identical to the ones who had almost killed Finn. He was holding a lit torch.

_First Order, I think. Black robes, mask._

_Elite._ He said in disbelief. _Snoke’s men._

 _So I take it this_ is _another training area that you have not been to?_

He did not respond, but she could sense his distress.

_Rey, please get out of there. This isn’t worth losing your life over. If this truly is another training grounds, then there are masses more. Please-_

That angered her.

In a smooth movement, Rey flicked her fingers and crushed the man’s throat, and lithely caught the torch before it clattered to the ground. His body fell without a sound.

Kylo was stunned to silence in her mind.

As she crept to the staircase, Rey spied a sconce and doused the torch with the water therein, leaving it there.

_I need a challenge, and I am not going back empty handed. Especially not after what happened on Cato Neimoidia._

It took him a moment, but he eventually regained his bearings _._

 _And what does Cato Neimoidia have to do with this?_ His voice was overwrought.

Rey hugged the wall again as two more crossed the passageway ahead of her. They did not see her. Strange, that they could not sense her.

_They’re not Force Sensitive. Now stop avoiding, and tell me what Cato Neimoidia has to do with you being this foolhardy!_

_Because they’ll sense it, alright!_ She relented, effortlessly downing another elite with all the stealth of a ghost. _They’ll feel a difference, and I need something to explain it away._

_What difference?_

_S_ he ignored him, and ruthlessly killed two more who crossed her path on her way further down.

 _It unnerves me how easily you manage that._ He finally spoke again.

She almost laughed out loud, _Good. So don’t irritate me._

He didn’t respond.

 _Am I at least going in the right direction?_ She asked sarcastically.

He was no doubt about to conjure up some witty retort, when Rey almost rounded the corner into a field of spider-web like purple lightning. It jumped erratically on a section of the floor.

_On this? I’d have to say yes._

_Will I have to go through it?_

There was a commotion behind her, and several Elite exited a room behind her, providing an answer to the question.

She only just made it through the energy field and behind a pillar as they passed.

_Rey?_

She was shivering violently. It wasn’t lightning per se, and it wasn’t so much her body that was spasming, but her mind.

_Rey!_

It took all her strength to prevent her teeth from chattering and making a noise.

The whispers overran her mind, and she lost focus on Kylo.

 _Finally_ , they said _, a meeting! A meeting! A new one among us. A Jedi, a little lost would-be Jedi. Oh yes we will be most welcoming of you. You will be as a queen amongst these servants of the Dark. Even that imposter of a voice in your mind will be nothing against you at your full! You-_

_Rey! Focus!_

She was curled up between the pillar and the wall. It was so hard…So hard to find him amongst all of them. They were so much louder.

 _Rey please, I’m right here!_ Was that Kylo?

_Listen to us, we will make you stronger. We can help you where the rest could not. We can make the dreams make sense. We can make them go away. Let us help you!_

_They’re lying, they always lie. Listen to me, Rey!_ That was Kylo. He was faint but he was there.

It was all too much. Her mind was screaming, splitting.

She could hear footsteps in the passageway.

_Come, girl, embrace your true nature. Accept the energy we’ve been offering you all this time. There is much to be gained and reaped here._

_They’re keeping you fixed, Rey. The longer you listen the more danger you’re in. Come to me!_ He was desperate.

The footsteps were loud, and many. She would be found. Rey needed quiet, she needed to focus to keep herself alive.

But the static…The voices…They refused to _leave._

_Come to us!_

_Rey!_

She needed silence!

One Elite exclaimed at her presence, but was promptly cut off, and none of the others had a chance to do anything. The entire group was lifted off their feet by Rey, and their bodies rid of form or shape, their bones liquefying, as Rey squeezed and pummelled them as if they were the voices in her head.

Rey wasn’t even facing them.  Her head was thrown back against the pillar, and her hands clawed against the stone till she had ripped her fingernails. As the limp, lifeless, and crushed bodies fell to the floor with individual dull thuds, so the whispers in her mind abated.

All except for one.

 _Rey?_ He was hesitant.

She was breathing heavily, her eyes still screwed tightly shut as she fought off the pounding in her head.

_Would you rather I le-_

_No!_ She all but shouted out loud. _No, please. Don’t go. Don’t._

_Alright._

Rey swallowed heavily. _You can still do this, right? You won’t be jumped by some homicidal servant or crash or-_

_Rey. I can stay. So long as you need me._

_Please._

Both of them were quiet for some time, till Kylo broke it when his unrest became too much.

 _You do know you just used…_ He trailed off.

_Force Crush, I think it’s called?_

_Yes._

_Yes._ She affirmed, keeping her voice level.

_And you’re alright with that? Using Dark powers despite aiming to be a Jedi?_

_Who said I’m aiming to be a Jedi?_

He was taken aback, bordering on flummoxed. _I-Uh Rey-_

Abruptly, the sound of several heavy stone doors opening above them filled the corridor, and caused dust to rain upon Rey. The impact of many, many feet had a similar effect.

_How-?_

_Someone must have sensed your little outburst._ His tone was dry, and slightly fearful.

_But you said none of them were Force Sensitive?_

_Perhaps I was wrong._

There was shouting on the stairwell, but it was a terrible sound. How did their voices sound like a rattlesnake’s warning even when they screamed?

 _You’ve heard them speak?_ Kylo asked in curious dubiety.

_If you can call it that. Have you not?_

_They don’t talk to me, they only function as battle fodder._

The implications of that kind of silence for weeks on end hit Rey hard. She could not imagine what this man must have gone through.

_Try not to. It’s unpleasant._

She had to do a better job of concealing her own thoughts.

Above all the hissing rose a male voice speaking an unfamiliar language.

Rey dared a peak around the column and caught sight of a heavily tattooed Zabrak at the far end of the corridor.

His bright yellow eyes immediately flicked towards Rey’s direction, and she knew she had been caught.

Gritting herself, she readied her saber.

_It seems I’ve found the Force-Sensitive, Kylo. Or rather, the other way around._

_Rey-_

_I can manage this._

_Rey-_

_I can. I promise._

If she sounded unsure, he didn’t make it known.

_Yes, you can._

As she stepped out from behind the column, she knew she would never, not in any situation, be used to the tenderness with which that man addressed her so often.

Rey ignited her intense yellow saber as the Zabrak grinned viciously, signalling for the Elite to not attack. They obeyed him, regarding the stand-off with an air of moderate amusement.

Rey also smiled, a small one just for herself. The Zabrak was far too prideful. She thought he might have been just about due for a fall.


	29. Bared

**_Chapter 29: Bared_ **

Rey was expecting an immediate attack as the Zabrak advanced on her, but no blow came. He kept his staff at the ready, as did she, but he only studied her with a malicious grin on his face, baring his pointed teeth.

“So,” he did not hiss as the others did, but his voice was just as sibilant, “The Dark Ones have called to _you_ as well, little girl?”

She did not answer him.

 _Incredible,_ Kylo was not amused, _he’s either going to try and turn you, or play with you._

_Hush and let me work._

He sighed at her rebuke, restlessly falling silent.

“Silence becomes our kind well. You would fit in here.”

Again, Rey remained silent, her lightsaber poised in a typical Niman stance.

The Zabrak’s eyes clouded over, a look of ecstasy flashing over his face.

The whispers she had shoved to the back of her mind surged in force again

_He would end you. Kill him! Claim his place! You are stronger than he could ever be!_

Rey flinched away from the sound, and the Zabrak focussed on her once more as she moved. His eyes were knowing.

“They’re talking to you now! They tell me you have another voice in your mind-“ Again, pleasure rippled across his face. Was he taking _enjoyment_ out of being overwhelmed by those voices? “-They tell me that voice dissuades you, that voice is _weak._ They say you, you think you can destroy me! They tell me you are _lost-“_

Realisation dawned in Rey’s mind as the Zabrak’s gaze became predatory.

_Kylo I’ve changed my mind! Don’t hush, talk!_

She couldn’t afford to let the voices cloud her mind, especially since they seemed to be turning everyone against each other. They wanted chaos, they thrived on it of course.

 _Indeed they do,_ Kylo spoke with relief at being able to do so again, _And I’ll happily play the distraction so long as you don’t get yourself killed._

“The Ancient Sith-“ the Zabrak was stalking her down, but she stood her ground, “-Tell me you have decided to listen to that _weak_ voice. For that insolence, you will pay.”

_Delightful._

Rey treated herself to a nervous laugh at Kylo’s attempt at humour, even though it fell flat with his very-real worry.

The whispers rose on the edges of her hearing once more, and Rey refuted them, keeping her mind centred around the man there, actively sending her support.

It was in the lull caused by the voices’ retreat that the Zabrak attacked, frenzy in his eyes.

Rey deflected his blows rather easily, silently thanking Kylo for his lessons in Juyo, for that was the style this acolyte was using.

It was on his second attack that Rey found herself on her knees, arms shaking as she held the blade lock above her head.

Purple Lightning crackled from the Zabrak’s hands, over his staff, and arced down over Rey.

Pain split her mind, and the pressure of it made her teeth rattle as she desperately tried to keep his charged staff away from her face.

It was difficult; the Zabrak was far stronger than she was, and he had the high ground. It did not help that his Lightning was currently rending Rey apart by the fibre.

 _Fight back! Push, Rey!_ Kylo was panicked.

She would, honestly she would, if only she could. It was already taking all of her energy to keep him at bay.

_Then break the lock! Run if you must, there is no shame in baiting and running when it’s one of you against all of them!_

Rey felt a tugging at her mind. An unfamiliar one.

The Zabrak was trying to get in, or else trying to supress her with a mind trick.

Mind trick!

_Rey…_

On a whim, Rey cast all the feeling- all the pain- of what she was experiencing, and threw it at that strange tug on her mind, tracing it right back to the Force-Sensitive’s mind.

He staggered back, keeping his staff raised, but screaming in agony.

Rey managed to get to her feet.

_Go, Rey!_

She did not run.

She struck.

The Zabrak was fast, but not fast enough. Rey clipped him across the chest, but he managed to force her saber into the wall. When he swung at her over her saber, Rey spun, digging the deflected end through the wall and sending the offhand blade flying towards the Zabrak’s head.

He only just flipped out of the way, and their sides were switched.

It was then that Rey could see the mass of Elite that had been behind her, and she knew there to be an equal crowd behind her now.

The Zabrak was furious.

Two more strikes she managed to deflect, and another she managed to land on his shoulder.

He got his revenge when a well-timed Force-push sent her sprawling, and he leapt towards her.

She only just managed to roll out of the way and down another corridor.

Then, she spotted a descending staircase and ran.

 _Not DOWN!_ His pitch rose progressively with urgency. _Get OUT! Out is up!_

Just as she entered what seemed to be a training room, she felt her pursuer behind her, and whirled to meet him blow for blow.

_I still need the holocrons!_

_No, what you need is a_ mental check-up _! Did you_ see _all those Elite?_

_You worry about the Sith spirits, let me worry about the Elite!_

The Zabrak scored a blow over her knee, causing her to hiss in pain.

_Correction, let me kill him first, then worry about the Elite._

_Rey!_

_I’m glad we understand each other._

Choosing to block out his indignant scolding, Rey faced the Zabrak with a renewed determination. Steadily, she managed to hack her way to equal footing again, but when she could feel him preparing for another Lightning attack, Rey knew she had to end this fast.

Well, that, and the Elite waiting patiently at the doors.

Rey was effectively boxed in.

 _Frack!_ Kylo had caught that.

_Shh._

Sweat that had beaded on Rey’s brow now ran down her face as she traded strikes with the Zabrak. Both of them were now fighting with Juyo. She needed the upper hand, and only one thing was coming to mind with what little energy she had left from the constant fight.\

A mind trick.

It was a long shot, but it was a shot nonetheless.

Rey had no pain to throw at him at the moment, but maybe…

She forced herself to call her Force terrors to her mind, and remember the panic, confusion, and _hell_ that was often left in their wake.

Flashes…A courtyard. A forest. A white beach.

“ _Rey get up!”_

Was that really him, or was that just her dream?

More assault, blood, screaming. Jakku.

_“Stay here, I’ll come back for you.”_

_“Run!”_

_“I’ll come back sweetheart, I promise!”_

Rey amassed it all.

Then, she turned it on him.

What she did not expect was to feel a resonance within his mind. Following it, she discovered _fear,_ brutal and cold. And suppressed.

Rey did not intentionally smile, but a cruel one graced her lips nonetheless as she reached out with the Force, found the end of the tightly-wound thread that was the Zabrak’s _dread,_ and just pulled it apart.

In that instant, his yellow eyes lost their malice and determination. They were almost innocent and imploring as he fell to the floor, staff clattering on the stone, and hands clenched over his head, gripping at his horns. His mouth was wide in a silent scream.

Rey thrust her amber blade straight through his ribcage, and then let him slump back with that same terrified expression still frozen on his face.

She was not oblivious of Kylo’s mute horror, albeit mixed with reverence.

The Elite only hesitated a second before surging on Rey.

Rey, on the other hand, felt completely restored the moment the light died in the Zabrak’s eyes. She did not like it. At the edges of her mind, the voiced were jubilant. She shut them out, vague disgust rising in her throat.

_While I applaud your ability, I’m glad you are responding thus._

Rey threw several Elite into Stasis, and cut them down as she forced the others back with a powerful Cyclone. Steadily, she was thinning their numbers. Then more would come.

_If you truly need the holocrons, then I’d suggest you clean out the temple first. They probably all know you’re here now, anyway._

_And are all headed here, right?_ She panted, keeping an erratic rhythm of strike, strike, Push, strike, Stasis, strike, Push, Push, and more.

Even though their bodies were littering the floor, their fellow Elite showed no fear or any more hesitancy as the spilled through the doors.

It was a killbox indeed.

Rey slipped up many times, gaining numerous new wounds.

And _Force_ they stung!

_Is this what you go through every time you train?_

_Very much so, Rey._ His tone was factual, but ever so faintly tortured.

_And why didn’t you train me like this?_

_S_ he cried out as an Elite snagged an already-stinging injury, deepening it. Rey’s vision was fuzzing and blackening around the edges.

It was a long time before Kylo answered, but she kept herself focused on him to keep herself lucid, despite the pain weighing on her body and mind.

 _…Because I didn’t want you to have to experience any of this._ He spoke softly, almost to himself. He was angry.

Rey did not respond, chilled slightly by his edged tone.

Finally, the flow of Elite into the room ebbed, but Rey was close on having tunnel-vision. Now, it was not only the physical exertion, but use of the Force that was also taking its pound of flesh from her.

She had to end this now, or she was in danger. The whisperings were lurking, waiting for the perfect moment of weakness to pounce. Rey would not give them that satisfaction. She spun her saber around her, either killing the Elite close enough to be caught by the blade, or making them jump back.

This gave her the pause necessary to spread her control of the Force out as far as she could reach.

Kylo was speechless in her mind, his presence there one filled with veneration.

Then, she gripped the spots of life in the Force tight, and _squeezed._

There was a single moment of peace, and deadly silence, before a symphony of bones cracking and crushing erupted around Rey. The horrific song was punctuated by the grinding and shifting of the masonry around her.

It took a little longer than it should have for Rey to realise the old floor was crumbling with the pure potency of her act.

_Rey get OUT of there!_

She could not catch herself in time. The bricks under her feet gave way, and she fell to the floor below. A large mess hall.

There were still a few Elite, now running away.

_I have never seen them show any form of self-preservation! If they are scared you should be too! Run!_

She had heard this broken, terrified whisper before, but she had no time to meditate on it as her feet obeyed him.

Rey clipped her lightsaber to her belt, and bolted for the nearest exit. To her delayed horror, the tiles under her feet were giving way as well.

 _Kylo! How many floors are even_ in _one of these?_ Rey screamed over the bond, only just jumping over the threshold of the door before the room was no more.

Before long, she sat perched on a support column with no floor to really speak of.

_Too fracking many, now please for the love of the Force, get out of there! Stuff your mission-_

_Kylo-_ Rey’s strength was failing her, but he was rambling in a panic.

 _-Enough has happened here to explain away whatever change you may think happened on Cato Neimoidia! I_ need _you safe!_ His voice splintered.

She had heard that strangled baritone, that raw beseeching, before.

 _Kylo, I-_ Rey yelped as the column gave way, sending her tumbling into what appeared to be a room filled with mounted Sith holocrons.

The irony was not lost on Rey, even as she spat blood from her mouth at having bashed it against a rock during her fall.

_Rey!_

_Kylo, is there anywhere I can wait this out…I can’t get myself out after that fight I-_

_The vault. This is an archive room, there should be a vault._

She saw a much heavier-set door than any of the others. It was slightly open under the pressure of the floors above, but it looked like it would hold. She hoped.

_It will. Just get in there fast, Rey!_

Fast was not something she could really do at this stage, but at his constant pressure she finally managed to haul her body through the crack in the door, and slump against the wall.

Rey’s head was pounding, and her thoughts were fuzzing together. Blurred, indistinct.

She could vaguely hear Kylo through it all.

His voice was soft, but firm, and underneath it all was a tangible desperation.

She had heard it before.

_I’ll call you, Rey. You stay still, and I’ll get you into an illusion._

_“Stay here, I’ll come back for you.”_

_Just breathe, and let your body rest, Rey.  I’ll help you, I promise!_

_“I’ll come back for you, sweetheart, I promise!”_

It only took a starved cognizance and the right climate for her mind to make sense of it, if sense was what it could be called at all.

Rey had known she knew that voice, even masked by such raw strain as it had been.

Rey’s mind was abruptly very clear.

No. It didn’t make sense, it…

No…

 _It was_ you _?!_ She may have screamed it out loud. It wouldn’t have mattered.

_Rey, rest-_

_It_ was _you!_ Her voice may have broken in disbelieving pain, but it must have been anger.

_Please, Rey-_

_H-how_ could _you- How did- YOU!_

Her pants became raw, dry sobs as the few dots she had connected in her mind, forming a very broken, disjointed picture. Rey didn’t know whether she wanted him to fill in the blanks.

 _Rey!_ There was fear in his voice, and terrible sadness.

_Stop saying my name you-_

Rey slumped back as the heaviness of the illusion took her.

She felt the coldness of the floor before she actually knew she had curled against it.

 _Y-you_ liar _!_ Rey choked as the darkness reigned her in.

She didn’t want to have to face him with this new knowledge, not after Cato Neimoidia, but a part of her really wanted to spit in his face.

The rest just wanted to forget she had ever made the connection at all.


	30. Rue

**_Chapter 30: Rue_ **

For all Rey knew, this time she did not wake up in that chair.

She was on her feet, and stood stiffly with her fists clenched at her sides. Across from her was Kylo Ren, his stance mirroring her own. Only…

His face was broken, and bereft. That was not the face of Kylo Ren.

_Ben Solo._

Rey trembled as she took him in. Was it anger? Was it hate?

Was it heartache?

Whatever it was, it was scorching her from the inside out, and hot tears pricked at her eyes.

The man didn’t say a thing, though he looked like he wanted to. It seemed both of them were struggling to find words.

A traitorous tear trickled down Rey’s cheek as she finally found will to ask, in a hoarse whisper, “Why?”

His jaw clenched as he tried-and failed- to prevent a shattered intake of breath being audible through his shaking lips.

“ _Why?”_ Louder now.

He flinched, and was shaking his head back and forth, “I thought it a miracle, a second chance, when you didn’t remember me-“

Rey stalked towards him and had his robes fisted in her hands before she realised she was moving.

He gripped her elbows to steady himself when she yanked him towards her.

“I asked _why!”_

“Why what, Rey? Why did I leave you, why did I not tell you, why did you not remember me earlier?”

“Remember _what?”_ She screamed, shaking him, “All I know is it was _your_ voice in my nightmares when I was left on Jakku! And I want to know _why!”_

His eyes never left hers. Those warm, now heartbroken eyes.

For a moment, his dejection, his hurt, his pain, and his regret was laid bare before Rey’s blurry eyes, painted on his face.

Then his jaw set, and an icy, terrible resolve settled in those eyes she had grown to know so well.

Or so she thought.

It was impossible for Rey’s chest to hurt any more than it already was, yet fine pain sparked anew as he pried her hands from his robes and clutched them tight.

Rey wanted to slap him. She wanted to beat her hands against his chest and make him feel this horrid, tumultuous storm that was ripping her apart. She wanted him to throw her against the wall and fight her as he did that first day, when everything was so much simpler. She wanted to hate him like she thought she did, what seemed like an age ago.

She wanted to hold him close and bury her face into his clothes, forgetting any of this was real.

Rey’s nails were digging into his hands with the force of which she was clutching him. He did not seem to mind.

“Because,” his voice was measured, precise, and decided, “After all these long years, Rey, even though you may not remember me, I’m s _till_ yours. And every day since you came back from where I hid you has been reminding me of that fact.” His tone was cold, but the barely-there tremor in it sent shivers down Rey’s spine. He watched the frustrated tears make tracks down her cheeks as if they would give him strength to continue.

But continue with what?

He faltered, indecision marring his face.

Rey yanked furiously to get her hands loose, but he held on.

“What did you _do? What did you do?”_ She spat at him, her whole body trying to wrench free now.

He let her go, and she staggered till her back hit the wall.

“I’m so sorry, Rey.”

She looked up in panic as the floor shifted like it often did in her dreams. Kylo was still braced against the wall opposite her, a studiously impassive look plastered on his face as he avoided her gaze, only now it wasn’t the sleek metal of the torture room.

It was the intricate stone masonry of the Yavin IV temple.

“Tala you can’t do this!” Was that Luke?

Rey snapped her head to the left, and looked on in astonishment as the illusion gave way to the now intact landing pad of the temple. Indeed, there Luke stood- many years younger- with a distraught woman in front of him. There was a little body huddled between their legs.

Movement just below Rey’s line of sight drew her attention from the three figures. Right in front of her, hugging the same stone wall she was leaning against, was a little boy of about eleven or twelve with wild black curls. He was hiding in the shadow of the wall, silently watching the events.

“I have no _choice,_ Luke! I can’t help her anymore!” The woman was only just keeping her voice shy of hysterical screams, “Nights on end all she does is _cry_ and _scream!_ And I can do _nothing to help her!_ It was only Garik who could do anything to help her. I can’t- I’m not Force Sensitive! _”_

Luke was pleading in his response as the woman nudged the little figure between them closer to Luke.

“Tala, _please._ Neither Garik nor your father-in-law would have wanted this!”

“Well, Garik’s father wasn’t really around was he? And I didn’t want Garik to _die,_ but that didn’t happen did it?” She was crying unbidden, “And now I can do nothing to help my own daughter! Please Luke, at least here she’ll get the guidance she needs _. Please_.”

“Tala-“

“ _Please!”_

Luke didn’t answer, but the woman hoisted the little body off the ground, and placed the distressed two-year-old girl into Luke’s arms.

Then she turned and fled into the waiting transport.

Rey’s heart twisted uncomfortably as the little boy ran to Luke’s side.

Luke turned then, and watched him in painful surprise.

“Ben-I…You shouldn’t have seen that.”

The tiny girl in Luke’s arms was clutching herself close to his robes, but stirred when the young Ben Solo drew close.

“What’s her name?” He asked, voice laden with sympathy.

Rey knew why, and sunk to the floor, her heart low.

Luke sighed, letting the toddler turn to look at this new person more fully. There were three tiny buns on the miniature head.

“Rey. Rey Kenobi.”

Rey herself let a single strangled cry bubble past her lips.

These were memories. These were _his_ memories.

And they were eliciting recognition, though vague, deep within her own mind.

Her eyes fluttered closed just as the scene swam before her vision, and her head fell back against the wall. Hot tears still slowly eked from under her lashes, and followed the path the others had carved.

“Rey, right? Like ‘ray of sunshine’, or-“

A shy giggle made Rey look up once more.

Young Ben Solo was sitting cross-legged in the courtyard, with the puffy-eyed girl in front of him.

“Nah, not sunshine.”

She shook her head in response, an impish grin starting to form on her face.

Ben exaggerated his movements, pulling his face into an obvious expression of perusal. It was plain that he was trying to entertain the tiny girl, and by her growing chortles Rey guessed it was working.

“How about…Sweets? No no, not that-“ He sniggered at the face she pulled, “I’m sorry, heard someone say that before. Hmm. How about sweetheart?”

The little girl shrugged, but there was a happy smile on her face, and she was rubbing her eyes free of the hurt that she didn’t really understand.

“Sweetheart it is then, Rey.”

He leaned forward and poked her side once, then more and more frequently as she burst into peals of bell-like laughter.

When she eventually squirmed away and caught her breath, she looked at him in a mimic of his over-acted expression.

“Can I call you Bennie?” She asked, scrambling back to him and looping her scrawny arms around his neck in a haphazard hug.

The boy looked astonished. It was probably the first time the little girl had spoken.

“Sure, sweetheart. But just you, you hear?”

“Because I’m your friend, right?” She asked bashfully, a tiny bit of fear colouring her face.

“Right.” He returned her hug, rubbing her back, “My best friend.”

“Really?” The little girl’s eyes were wide in wonder.

Ben smiled at her warmly, pleasure evident on his face at having cheered her up. “Oh, absolutely!”

Again, the scene blurred.

But that could just have been Rey’s own eyes clouding over. Her breaths were coming quicker, but were falling sadly short of providing any substantial air. Her chest was tight.

This couldn’t have been right. None of this.

But… In her heart she knew it was. It was resonating with something deep within her. Slowly, her mind was matching names to the unknown faces of places and hazy visions, now memory.

Rey wanted it all to stop, and yet never end.

Then, she heard light, bubbling laughter. A girl’s joyous giggle.

“Bennie! Wait!”

Rey looked up to see her younger self barrel into the startled, but welcoming arms of a thirteen year old Ben Solo. The boy laughed uproariously at the girl’s giddy squeal when he caught her charge, and swung her around in the air, keeping a tight hold on her.

Luke was standing off to the side, watching the event with a bemused smile on his face.

“Now, now, Rey. He’s just going off to the other side of the planet, not the other side of the galaxy.”

“But it _feels_ like it! I don’t want him to go. When am I gonna be able to join them?”

Luke chortled, “You have to be at least seven years old, Rey dear. Patience, you’ll be able to practice with the Padawans soon enough.”

The little girl pouted miserably, the age of seven evidently being entirely too far away.

On the floor, Rey almost laughed.

“Don’t worry sweetheart,” Ben let her settle on his back, clinging to him like a tach monkey, “I’ll be back before you know it. Then I’ll show you how to levitate your holocrons.”

Her pout immediately brightened to a delighted smile as she rested her chin on his shoulder.

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

The room cleared again, this time a rooftop.

Rey was struggling, on the verge of hyperventilating. She could not keep her eyes dry, and she felt positively sick to her stomach.

The girl was four now, and she was leaning against a slightly older Ben, who was entertaining her by juggling various fruit with the Force.

Little Rey was barely keeping a citrus afloat.

“When am I gonna be able to do that?”

“Soon, sweetheart, soon.” He smiled affectionately at the tempestuous girl. Her arms were crossed now, and the citrus fell next to her. Ben caught it and made it join the rest before it rolled off the roof.

Young Rey yawned widely, rubbing her red eyes.

Ben frowned at her in slight worry, “Are you alright, Rey? Sleeping okay?”

She shook her head.

“Bad dreams?”

She nodded, another yawn stopping any words she may have tried to say.

Pain lanced through Rey’s chest. She was having nightmares even then?

Then why did she ever _stop?_ What _happened_ to her?

Did she even want to know?

Ben set the fruit down and pulled her into his lap, cradling her as she squirmed her way to lie comfortably against his chest.

“You have them too, don’t you Bennie?”

“Sometimes, but you know what makes me feel better?”

Her tiny shoulders shrugged, and Ben pointed towards the distant horizon, where the system’s star was hanging low.

“Sunsets?” she asked, her voice muffled by Ben’s robes.

“Uh huh, my mom and I used to watch them whenever I got scared of night coming. If you want, we can do the same.”

Little Rey considered Ben with a thoughtful look before tucking her head back into the crook of his neck.

“Thanks Bennie.”

He clutched the little body closer.

The little girl hummed in contentment. It was the same tune Rey had unwittingly played in her head that night on the _Millennium Falcon._

“My Bennie,” the girl said sleepily, snuggling closer. There was gentle shock tinging Ben’s features. “My Ben.”

Rey caught Kylo’s eye over Ben’s head, and he quickly looked away, distress plain on his features, even under the forced apathy.

“You’re gonna get your lightsaber! That’s so cool!”

They were in the room from Rey’s dream. No, they were in Rey’s old room in the temple.

Ben smiled, but it was diffused, and less enthusiastic than the demeanour with which he usually dealt with the little girl.

Dread settled in Rey’s gut.

“Yes I am, I don’t really know when I’ll be back but-“

“I hope soon!” The girl hugged around his waist tightly, though she had to stretch to reach even there. Ben sunk to the floor, and pulled her close.

“You look after yourself, Rey. Keep practicing! I want to see those fruit flying when I come back, okay?” The little girl probably couldn’t hear it, but there was strained hurt in Ben’s voice.

“I will, I promise! Just come back soon, okay Bennie?”

“I will sweetheart.”

He left, but the memory followed him. Of course, since it was _his_ memory anyway.

He walked out and down to his room, a place Rey had seen before.

Her breath hitched in her throat as he picked up the photo frame she had seen.  Only now it had two photographs in its flaps.

Ben tore out the second photograph and spent a long moment staring at it.

Ice fingers ran their way down Rey’s mind when she made out what was on the paper.

It was a picture of Ben, with a little Rey perched on his shoulder, hands in his hair to hang on. Both of them laughing boisterously.

Ben’s shoulders shook for a moment, then he jumped when Luke spoke from the door.

“Time to go, Ben. Transport leaves in five.”

“Yes, Uncle.”

Rey watched him hurriedly tuck the photograph into his robes before he faded from the vision. No, this was all too much.

Darkness swallowed the place where she sat, knees pulled to her chest and hands firmly over her face. She didn’t want to watch what no doubt came next.

She could see the flickers of light between her fingertips as the scene changed, but she kept her eyes firmly shielded.

“Remember, Ren. You focus on Skywalker, we’ll take out the nuisances.”

“Of course, Banor.”

Now that was the voice of Kylo Ren. Oddly enough, the last time Rey had heard him use that truly affected voice was Starkiller.

So long ago…

“Be quick about it, we only have a small window before our jump swings around and the Resistance gets wind of us.”

“Noted.”

“Wouldn’t want your mother meddling, now would we.”

The new Kylo Ren did not respond, and the laughter of the man called Banor gave way to panicked screaming.

Then…

“REY!”

No.

“ _Rey!_ Get _up!”_

Oh _no!_

Her eyes flew open, and she involuntarily cried out again when she saw a terrified Ben reaching out to a tiny Rey, bludgeoned, a trail of blood behind her, leading to the smaller courtyard through the arch beyond her. On her back was slung the training staff. Her staff. Behind Ben lay the larger courtyard.

Rey moaned, ill, as she realised the blood that was running over her smaller body was due to horrible, jagged wounds. Mace wounds.

_That man!_

It had been that man with the horrific mace that had beaten her in her vision…He had a _ctually…_

Rey was rapidly shaking her head back and forth.

“Rey, please!”

Her heart lurched as her younger self struggled to her feet and staggered forward.

Rey could remember the pain.

The young boy kept calling her, and little Rey kept struggling on.

Then she fell.

“ _Help me!”_

Ben looked behind him, and now Rey could see that he was checking for other Knights.

Rey was whimpering with every rasping breath she took now, pressing herself into the wall, her head still shaking, and her tears still falling.

Across from her, Kylo finally had his eyes on her, and she could feel his conflict above her own.

A falling pillar wreaked havoc, and Rey winced as her younger self yelped in pain.

She watched with glazed, wet eyes as the little body of the broken girl flew through the air and collided with Ben’s chest, and he gathered her into his arms.

Now they were in a courtyard different to the one in her dream. They were in the one that _actually_ lay through that arch, and he ran with her.

She struggled, not to look at herself being attacked by the man with the mace as in Rey’s convoluted dream, but to stare wide-eyed and bewildered at the black-swathed Ben.

“ _Please,_ Rey, just come!”

Again, little Rey did not refuse, and let Ben drag her away, completely abandoning his mission to find Luke.

“REN!” That same angry male voice, but it was not the one who wielded the mace. It was a Knight with a shockstaff.

“ _Run!”_ Ben yelled at her, leading her into the forest and away from the Knight.

But the Knight caught up, and struck her across the head.

Rey herself sunk lower against the wall at the sickening crack the blow made. The little body fell limp, and if it had been anyone else, Rey was sure the child would be dead.

 _“Rey!”_ Ben’s face was contorted in anger, and he ignited that terrible lightsaber.

The Knight was dead before he could say another word, and Ben fell to his knees at Rey’s side, desperately searching for any sign of life, hands slick with the blood gushing from her head wound.

The boy picked her up, staff and all, and ran, lips quivering with silent pleas for her life to anything that would listen.

Rey dug her fingers into her head in a futile effort to claw away the dizziness.

Young Ben reached a ship, and the temple was burning in the background. He tucked them away in the cargo hold to tend to her, restlessly watching the door for any sign of the other Knights.

Each time he wiped away his tears, her blood was left behind on his face.

Eventually, the boy was satisfied, and administered a measured sedative, uttering a prayer that it would hold till their next refuelling stop, and wrapping her along with her staff in a rough-spun tarp, and then in one of the emptier canvassed containers.

Just then, the voiced of the Knights reached the ship, laughing over the ‘sport’.

Rey resisted the urge to be sick.

Ben rubbed the blood off his cheeks, and faced Banor in the hold.

Banor. The man with the mace.

“And Luke?”

“Fled.”

A bold-faced lie, but the man swallowed it.

“Snoke will not be pleased.”

“Snoke will get over it.”

“Be careful, _Solo._ He’ll grow tired of you. And when he does, I’ll be waiting, and ready.”

Rey knew what was coming next. It didn’t make the blow land any lighter when the ship landed to refuel at Niima Outpost, and Ben carried the limp bundle to the far side- the scavenger side- ducking out of the Knight’s sight as he did so.

But Rey awoke as he finished a too-soft-to-hear conversation with none other than Unkar Plutt.

“Where am I?”

Ben spun, looking at her with wide eyes.

“A-are you- Who are you?”

The little girl was glancing wildly between the large trade master and Ben, not recognising the latter.

Rey’s heart shattered when she realised what had happened.

The strike across her head. The _trauma…_

Oh _Force…_

Across from her, Kylo’s face crumpled when he saw horrified understanding dawn on her face.

“So we have an agreement, Plutt?”

“Right, right, keep the girl alive and mostly unbothered. Death otherwise, yeah?”

Ben nodded curtly, one hand resting heavily on his saber, and his eyes glue on the little girl.

A comm on his belt beeped, calling him back to the ship, as Unkar grabbed Rey’s arm, ignoring her yelps and cries.

His eyes showed only intense agony as he stared at the little girl, backing away.

“Stay here, I’ll come back for you,” he rasped in that whisper that haunted her terrors and waking nightmares.

The little girl tried her best to get to him, the friendly face, the face she _knew,_ even though she knew not from _where._

“I’ll come back sweetheart, I promise!”

He ran.

Rey gasped audibly in unconscious anguish, her voice raw and choked.

The illusion around her flickered, and the image that was left fading back to the cold interrogation room was one of Ben Solo, now Kylo Ren, sitting on a bunk in a ship, the torn photograph clenched in his fist.

Rey was straining for breath as the last of the disturbing scene abated.

Then she was pounding against the wall from where she sat, clawing at in and speaking through clenched teeth and ripping sobs.

“Let me _out, let me out!_ Let me _out!”_ She couldn’t look at him. She couldn’t breathe. “Please, Force, just let me go. Let me out!” Each word was punctuated with a strike on the metal fuselage.

When Kylo spoke, it was with an untruthful calm. “All this time, despite my efforts, I have just fallen into becoming more attached to you-“ His voice broke then, but the chilling resolve was still there. “-I’m _still_ your Ben, and I c _an’t be._ I killed my father to try escape this trap and you, you just keep pulling me right back to-“

Rey just let her tears fall, and continued to bash at the wall, curling further into herself.

She could sense he was furious, but not at her. At himself.

She kept her eyes screwed shut. She would not look at him.

“-From the start had planned to use this to break you, to turn you, by making you hate me and all I had done to rip your life away from you. But then…Then you accepted my offer. But now, now I need you to know for a different reason. I can’t be your Ben any more. Ben needs to die. You, you need to despise me. You need to want me dead. I need you to hate me-“

Her Ben?

Hate him? She’d fracking _try._

“I DO!” She yelled through a throat-tearing sob. “I want _nothing_ to do with you, you liar! Just. Let. Me. _Go! I want nothing to do with you!”_ This time, each word was accentuated by her breath hitching audibly in her throat with her cries.

“I know.”

It was his tone that broke her, soft and inconsolable, as she felt the tugging heaviness of the illusion ending.

“Just…”

He was still trying to reach her?

“Get back as soon as possible. I have word that Hoth will be a target in a few days. Alert my mother.”

Rey noted it, even in her dizzied haze, astonished that he would s _till_ persist.

No, she wanted nothing more to do with him.

Rey jumped up as if electrocuted when she saw the crypt’s stone around her once more, her strength renewed.

Only one thought surfaced from the thick, toiling mire that made her head pound, and that was to get out.

She clawed her way into the holocron room, and blindly pulled a few of them off and shoved them into a preciously-collapsed pouch.

Then Rey ran. She clambered, scurried, jumped, and wormed her way towards the exit. She needed to get out. She needed to get back.

An attack on Hoth? There was a Resistance Base there?

That was nothing compared to the bitter urgency that scoured Rey’s mind as Luke floated to her thoughts.

How dare he, she thought as she tore up the ruined staircase.

How _dare_ he look her _in the eyes_ and not _tell her!_

And a Kenobi?

A _Kenobi?_

How-

Rey burst through the front entrance of the temple, and took a deep gulp of the putrid air past the persistent obstruction of tears in her throat.

They had _lied._

They had all lied. Who else knew this about her and _lied?_

Rey fell to her knees, and dug her fingers into the ground, her mind clouded and chaotic.

Blue fire arced around her- its source her own body, her own _anger-_ as she tossed her head back to face the scarred sky, and _screamed._


	31. Ordained

**_Chapter 31: Ordained_ **

Kylo tore through the halls of Korriban’s temple in a throe. Snoke had summoned him the moment his feet had hit the barren rock of the planet, and it would be an insult to think that Kylo was feeling anything less that bitterness towards his Master.

What was his ploy? The Togruta had made it clear that even killing every Force Sensitive in the universe would not work to bring about an end, as sensitivity to the Force was not purely hereditary. Certainly, as the cataclysm at Malachor V proved, such excessive death would wound the Force and quell it- silence it- for a time, it would simply recover and the Galaxy would feel again.

And then of course there was the presence of the Zabrak on Dromund. Kylo had never been aware of any Force Sensitives other than himself under Snoke’s command. But if there was one, there would be others. This both threatened and confused him.

Then it made him hurt.

Rey.

She had blossomed beautifully, far better than he had ever dreamed possible. Even in those young years she had shown such promise.

She was always so kind, and a bright light to him amidst all the tempest. He couldn’t let her die, and seeing Banor hurt her so? Kylo had hated the man before, but when that happened…Kylo was just as eager to make the sands of Korriban run red with his blood as Banor was to spill his.

He did not regret abandoning his search for Luke to rescue Rey. He did not regret saving her life. Even if the only closeness and semblance of peace they would share were those short few hours on Cato Neimoidia, he would treasure them till either Banor, Snoke, or Rey herself caught up to him and ended him.

For surely, she would try. How could she not?

He had gotten attached to her _again._ He had grown to care for her, a _gain._ It was as if those years of separation had never happened, he felt just as strongly for the girl, now a woman, and those innocent, compassionate feelings had matured along with her.

He had done as he planned, s _hown_ her exactly what she gained, and what he ripped away from her, in order to erase that attachment. To make it so that at least _she_ despised _him._

It would keep her safe, it would keep her alive.

Compassion was a weakness.

Rey had shown it when she healed him, as their training progressed, and when she allowed herself solace in his presence.

In this Galaxy, with Snoke and all the rest out there, Kylo had not revealed her past for his sake. No, he had done so for hers.

Rey… Kylo had felt hope when she had shown interest in the Dark, thinking that perhaps she would transition easily, and be consumed by it. It would have proved an effective device to keep her safe for a little while longer.

But that was not to be.

She had Light, but she was no Jedi, only because she was adverse to it. She had Darkness in her, but it did not own her. He envied her freedom; her broken chains and futile shackles.

Was that not what the Force was meant to do for a Sith? Free them? Apparently not, because Rey still maintained a strong Force Presence in the Light.

The Light…

It was the one thing she had that he didn’t. The bravery to embrace it.

He couldn’t do that now, he was far too deep to turn back.

It scared him that he wa _nted_ to.

A few more steps and Kylo was in front of the Audience chamber. He couldn’t stop himself from wondering, as he entered the room and knelt before the giant hologram of his Master, how things could have been had he just persevered, and been less weak. Perhaps…

No. Daydreaming and dwelling on ‘what ifs’ would do him no good now.

What was done was done.

And he felt no better for it than when he had killed his father. If anything, he was in worse shape.

The finality of it, of having pushed away all that was good and pure in his miserable struggle-filled life once and for all…

It made his shoulders sag with an immense invisible weight, and his eyes fall closed in uncontested surrender, as he waited for the inevitable command of his sovereign Master.

“You are defeated?”

In all truth, it was a statement more than a question.

“I encountered the girl.”

No need to tell him when or how.

“I felt so. And?”

“I may have sown the seeds for her progression to the dark.”

“Indeed…” Snoke was thoughtful, “It must have been something spectacular, to destroy the soul you held such compassion for.”

Snoke did not know their history, but he knew what was blatantly obvious in Kylo’s heart. He was taking pleasure in tormenting the man for it. Such was the way of the Sith.

“And your compassion,” Snoke intoned, “It lies there still, but it will soon shrivel and starve. Continue to toy with the girl. If she maintains her course in power, she may prove useful to us yet.”

Another pawn for you, Kylo thought bitterly, another pet, another soul to twist beyond recognition.

“Now, face me and share your findings. Don’t think I can’t sense the fire in your mind. You feel resentment in your discovery, why?”

Kylo fixed his gaze on the gnarled face of his Master, keeping his features as blank as possible.

His voice, however, betrayed his outrage as he told Snoke what the Togruta had told him. The Supreme Leader listened as if entertained by a small child.

“-In conclusion, there is no possible way to kill the Force by means of the Ones, since technically a _nyone_ can fill the role. It’s an absurdity. To add, the Academy linked with the Togruta-the Trayus Academy- It’s main focus was not even the Ones, as you suspected. Instead, it was-

“Malachor.” Snoke interrupted him, shifting in his throne to a pose of heightened interest. He seemed expectant of this.

Familiar defiance bubbled in Kylo’s gut at being handles like an infant once more.

Of c _ourse_ there was more. There was always more.

“-Yes.”

“And what did the Togruta tell you of Malachor?”

He considered asking Snoke to tell him himself, as he plainly knew more than Kylo. Considering was as far as that insubordination went.

“The Trayus Academy was built by the Ancient Sith species there due to the planet’s core connection to the Dark. It was abandoned, and later, during the Mandalorian Wars, it became the start of the legendary Revan’s venture to the Dark, as well as the essential graveyard for the war, creating a powerful resonance in the Force, attracting new Darksiders. Thereafter, it served as headquarters for the Sith Triumvirate. The trio was concerned with the manipulation possible with the Force, and its founder Dart Traya was single minded in her quest to eradicate the Jedi Order. One of the three, the Lord of Hunger, even mastered the ability of being able to suck a planet dry of its connection to the Force, and therefore its life. It was recorded that he performed this act many times, and the echo left in the vacuum was of particular interest to Darth Traya…” Kylo sighed internally at his own blindness, finally making the connection, “…Who sought to replicate such echoes and deafness- absences of the Force- by means of equal rending death. Thereby forging a way to bring about the extinction of the Order and start anew.”

Snoke was nodding in blissful appreciation, his expression one of enjoying fine music.

Kylo had been outmatched and used once more.

“Precisely,” his voice was inflected with anticipation, “Do you see now, you foolish boy? You, who would jump to such irrational conclusions! Do you not see the malleability of the Force? Are you so blind as to think I would seek an end to a _ll_ the Force? After a _ll_ that I have accomplished with it? Madness-”

Madness was right. His Master looked positively manic.

“-I only seek an end to that which poisons our Galaxy! Imagine. Wiping the mark of the Force clean and starting anew. Clearing away all the Jedi- and Sith- did, and establishing something new. The Yuuzhan Vong are testament that a species can mould their own existence in the greater symbiont of the universe, and manipulate in totality whatever cosmic energy they were originally endowed with. I would do likewise here.”

“And what of the Ones, Master?” Kylo could not keep the sarcasm from his voice, “Or was that merely bait to reap the confirmation of your desires?”

Snoke outright laughed, and eerie sound.

“Carefully, Ren. You stand so long as your use remains. The Ones, as you have gathered, are in fact embodiments of the conflict within the Force and how the Force inhabits beings. When the conflict is at its equal, as with the Son and Daughter, a person is at their most…Mouldable…” Snoke’s smile was crooked and sinister, and looked out of place on his torn face, “The perfect clean slates, such as yourself, upon which to carve _my_ teachings-”

Kylo stiffened, fully aware that what Snoke said was the truth. So he was being kept at odds for a reason, till Snoke could remove the centuries-loaded influence of both Light and Dark from the equation.

“-The girl, the scavenger, she is presenting herself as a rather attractive option for another apprentice…” Snoke let his words trail, allowing Kylo to come to his own conclusions.

After a beat, the Supreme Leader’s voice returned to its usual condescending boom, and spoke the words Kylo had been both anticipating and dreading.

“Return to the First Order fleet. Help them fight this war, keep your sights on Skywalker, and allow the girl to grow, but only so far lest she become unmanageable-“ A bit too late for that, Kylo mused wryly. “-And I will summon you when next I see fit.”

Kylo bowed distractedly as Snoke’s image dissipated.

So Rey truly was a target. He dreaded to think what Snoke would do to her should she refuse him.

Kill her, that much was certain, but it was always the _how._ Kylo would not see her tortured. He would not see her- He could not-

He ignited his saber, lusting for something to destroy, to release all his frustration and conflict.

Seeing her on the floor of the illusion had rending his heart apart like nothing before, despite its necessity. He should be stronger for it.

Kylo Ren was not, and he gouged deep, black scars in the stone in response to it.

Ben Solo was not dead, and these days he was more Ben Solo than ever. And Rey? Rey made it seem like an attractive and simple prospect, to _be_ Ben Solo once more.

But Kylo could not go back. He’d done far too much, and her life was endangered because of it all.

He knew he’d have to join the First Order on Hoth. He knew he’d told her of the impending attack. She’d probably be asked by his mother to join. It would be either Rey or Luke, but Kylo’s gut told him his mother would not let Luke out of her sight so easily.

No, the chances were he would meet Rey on the icy battlefield, and she would undoubtedly try to kill him. At least, it would be easier that way.

His choice, however lay in whether he’d let Rey possibly fall prey to Snoke’s terrible ways, or whether he should make it an impossibility for the cruel being to ever dig his claws into her at all.

It was a question, really, of whether he would ever be able to let her go in the name of her salvation, or if he would selfishly cling to her as he always had.

***

On the fringes of known space, Rey had angrily punched in the codes for D’Qar and set the ship off. It made no difference that her throat was raw from her screams. It made no difference that tears still rolled down her cheeks and splattered across the controls with her excessive, jostling movements. It made no difference that her chest ached with sorrow, and longing. It made no difference that that yearning was directed at the man who she wished she could see as a monster again.

No difference at all.

The calm, pulsating blue of hyperspace contrasted starkly with the fire that raged on within Rey.

Could she even pinpoint everything she felt? Probably not.

She tried, Force knows she tried.

For several hours she paced the ship, punching the walls till her knuckles were bloody and broken, as she _tried._ She would burst out in wordless yells as she t _ried._ Rey would make any noise she could to drown out the damning silence in her mind as she _tried._

Hours turned to days as the five-day-long trip back to D’Qar stretched on. For two days she wandered the ship and chewed over the memories he had given her. Memories that had stirred something within her own mind. Every now and then, a flash of something new would come now that the walls were broken down. Rey’s own memories. She knew she would never recover them fully, the physical damage done to her would make sure of that.

Another day passed, and Rey’s eyes burned from the abuse of endless involuntary weeping as well as sleepless hours. When she felt the need to shout for the sake of catharsis, no sound came from her shredded chords.

None of it was fair.

Amnesia by means of trauma.

It could have been worse. She could have been dead.

But he just _had_ to go and save her. He just had to…

He just had to incite compassion in her, and make her crave his company. Then he just had to take it all away again.

Kylo Ren just had to act more like Ben Solo when he was around her, and now she could see it with glaring clarity.

Only…

When her eyes ran dry, and her wounded hands crusted over, she collapsed in the short corridor that lead to the cockpit. The timer was sitting on a day left to D’Qar.

She just laughed.

It was a bitter laugh, filled with seething loathing for a life she would never fully recover, and outrage at herself for being unable, though she _tried,_ to hate the man who had caused it all.

Rey was spent, and when her laughter died, she was unnervingly calm.

Luke had been right about one thing during meditation. Peace was a very fine line between rage and serenity. But peace had nothing to do with tranquillity like he claimed. Neither was it the antithesis to busyness and conflict.

Peace was acceptance.

Peace was understanding that, no matter the past, you had to take it, be ready to deal with the present, and plan for the future. It was taking the good with the bad. The Dark with the Light, and not being the worse for it.

Was that why she struggled with the Jedi Code? Likening peace to serenity? Possibly, since it was an unmanageable goal for life to exist and grow in utter serenity. Kylo, no, _Ben_ , had been right when he called the way ‘stagnating’. Life stagnated when it was stuck in a single state.

It was most certainly why she rejected the way of the Sith. ‘Peace is a lie’? Rey wouldn’t want to exist in a world like that. The reason she sought both men out in the first place was to gain some measure of control over the power that was tearing her to pieces.

It had taken so much for her to realise that it wasn’t control she needed. It was peace.

Luke would want her to deal with this grand revelation of her past with all the impassive caution of a Jedi. Kylo Ren wanted her to hate him, to respond with fiery anger and vengeance, with no remorse.

She wasn’t a Jedi, she wasn’t a Sith, and Rey wasn’t going to pick a side either.

She was not going to respond with unerring calm. Oh, no. She was going to raise all hell for this being kept from her. But she wasn’t going to kill anyone over it either.

Neither paths were _her,_ and Rey was so terribly tired of being told how she should act based on some misguided religion. She wanted to toss caution to the wind and react the way she felt she should, and she would _not_ be guilted into thinking otherwise.

She stared straight ahead, unseeing. Oddly, their activities on Cato Neimoidia were dancing through her mind. Rey wanted to be there again, playing pazaak in a seedy bar and laughing at his offhanded comments.

Her Ben, she had said so long ago. Muttering the two words to herself made her laugh at the awkwardness, but warm familiarity of it on her tongue.

Rey couldn’t shake his smile from her mind’s eye, both as a young boy and a man. She couldn’t find it in her heart to hate him.

Hate him? Hate the man who had helped her feel the Force again? Hate the man who had helped her come to her own understanding of the Force, who had made it possible for her to find that slim line between Dark and Light, who did not refuse her no matter the lengths of the ask?

No.

She did not hate him. That did not mean she was not furious at him. She was livid, and still very eager to dig into both him, and Luke. Possibly Leia too…

Who really knew about her? Did Poe and Chewie know her name from early days? Had Han recognised her? Or were the people outside of the Academy oblivious to what happened in little Ben’s life?

She sighed heavily, rubbing away the dried salt on her cheeks.

It ached in her chest to know that, right now, she still wanted to be back on that platform on Cato Neimoidia, standing close to the man who had come to mean so much to her despite her best intentions.

That’s how it always went, wasn’t it?

In spite of one’s ‘best’ intentions. Rey supposed that’s how people learnt.

The Jedi had worked for their best intentions, and the Sith for theirs. The entire Galaxy was testament to how well _that_ went over.

Besides, Rey thought, what was so terribly wrong with just doing right by the people you swore to serve? No matter what ‘side’ of the Force you used?

Was it so awful to use Force Choke to save Finn? Was it so horrible to use an Insanity trick on the Zabrak to save herself?

Was it so bad to use all the Force had to offer to serve the people you swore to help, like many Jedi did in the Old Wars, and were promptly punished for it by the single-minded order, according to the stories?

Rey thought not. Nor would she feel guilty about it.

It was strange. Master Luke had said mediation took many forms, and he had often cited the Code as a worthy thing to think through and decipher as a means of centring oneself. Rey giggled at herself as she realised this was probably not what he had in mind.

It was incredible to Rey, that something as explosive as what happened in that temple could lead her to such a feeling as this.

Acceptance, peace, and perhaps some understanding of herself beyond that.

Luke would not be as thrilled, losing one student to the lure of the Dark, and the other to something in between.

Was Ben Solo lost? Rey didn’t think so. He was conflicted, that much was fact to her. He just needed a good shove to hopefully persuade him back.

Rey had, after all, promised Leia to bring her son back, and she guessed she owed it to Han too.

Maybe she had her own reasons, perhaps she felt like the little boy in those memories and dreams deserved better than the world he had been lured and beaten into.

It was what she was supposed to do, after all. Even if she wasn’t following the path of the Jedi, the role of a Sentinel still spoke to her on a fundamental level. Rescue those who are lost. She could do that.

Rey picked herself up off the floor and fell into the pilot’s seat, completely at ease.

Luke still had plenty to answer for. His nephew had done his explaining, and had kept nothing from her. Now, it would be Luke’s turn to come clean. She did not quite know _how_ she’d react to Luke. Especially since he had to explain to her how in the name of the Force she was a _Kenobi._ Her father dead, her mother having fled… Rey felt odd consolation in at least _knowing._

It changed nothing. Her newfound friends still felt more like her family, and she was glad for the chance at life she had been given.

There was also the attack on Hoth to worry about. Why he had told her, Rey would not bother herself about it. What was important was doing what she wanted to do when she stayed with the Resistance, and that was help people.

Rey felt strangely weightless, and cheered, at the thought. For once, there was no warring in her heart. No battle between the whims of the Dark and Light. How could there be? There was no such thing to Rey anymore. The Force would be the Force, and this was well with her soul.

She was not even scared when she let herself drift off to sleep, the timer for arrival at D’Qar set to go off ten minutes early to wake her in time.


	32. Descry

**_Chapter 32: Descry_ **

Rey dreamt again, but this time she didn’t awake shaking or gasping for air.

This time, she lay in the same position that she opened her eyes; curled up in the slightly-reclined pilot’s seat, staring at the green marble that was D’Qar, with a lazy smile on her face.

Not even the beeping of the as of yet not-deactivated alarm could ruin the wonderfully warm feeling still hanging over her due to properly _pleasant_ dreams. With stiff limbs, she heaved a sigh and moved to stop the shrill trilling of the arrival warning, and send through her ship clearance to the tower.

Rey had dreamt of Cato Neimoidia. She had dreamt of sunsets, and lazy days in the temple courtyard going through historical holocrons and watching a young boy with shaggy black hair levitate fruit to make her laugh. She dreamt of antagonising Luke, waiting for the young boy’s return because she missed her friend, her Ben. She dreamt of pazaak in a small bar, and laughing along with the awkward but endearing man, such a contrast to the darker side of her Force terrors. She dreamt he had held her close like he did when they were younger, instead of letting her leave.

Rey dreamt she called him Ben, and the name wasn’t strange on her lips.

It was all in all a rather out of place dream, and left her with an odd feeling hanging heavy in her heart, but she did not regret the dream.

How could she? It had spared her a Force terror. Sure, it left her slightly bewildered, but if it kept that horror at bay then it couldn’t be bad.

Rey jumped slightly when exuberant whooping crackled over the comm system.

Chuckling, she opened the channel from her side, taking the _Sparrow_ down.

“Yeah, yeah, I missed you guys too.”

“You better get your scrawny butt down here fast, Sweets!” Poe called with Finn laughing in the background, “There’s only about several hundred hugs waiting for you!”

Rey rolled her eyes as she entered the atmosphere, “What, did something tremendous happen? You and Finn hook a power coupling or something?”

She grinned widely to herself as both Poe and Finn spluttered over the comm, and there was a highly indelicate giggle-snort in the background. Now _that_ sounded like Myri.

“Unfortunately _not,_ Rey. But I’m working on it!”

Yes, that was Myri.

Both Poe and Finn were still muttering unintelligible indignities in the background when Rey finally set the _Sparrow_ down.

Rey said a quick, “See you in a few,” before shutting down the major systems and lowering the ramp.

Then she slumped back into the chair and breathed deeply, her eyes closed.

This was it, but how did she even broach the subject?

Suddenly, there was a surge of nervous twisting in her gut, but mercifully she was still calm and level-headed about it.

She would get her answers, it was just how to go about it…

Rey remembered how Luke had looked at her that first time on Ahch-To, his mix of emotions making so much more sense now that she knew the key was _recognition._ He had known her, and he was astonished at her survival. He felt sorrow, then pity. Then determination.

To what? To train her anew? To mould her?

Certainly, she was angry that he had trained her for, what, almost a month? And he said nothing. Absolutely nothing. One of his students had essentially come back from the dead and he said nothing.

Had he suspected what happened? Was that the source of the commiseration?

It made her slightly ill that he would choose to keep her in the dark over helping her ease her pain over familial abandonment. Could he not have shared memories as his nephew had? Or did he simply think it _easiest_?

The more Rey thought on it, the more riled she became. Soon enough, she pulled herself from the seat, clipped her lightsaber back on her belt, grabbed the rucksack of those damnable holocrons, and stalked out of the ship.

Upon disembarking the ramp, Rey noticed that once again everyone was there to greet her.

She lost all sense of inhibition or hesitance when she saw Luke, and breezed past all the rest to zero in on him. Rey could feel the confusion radiate in waves off of Finn, Poe, and Myri. Luke’s expression morphed from one of expectancy to perplexed fear. Rey had no idea what her face must have looked like, but she knew her air was one of dangerous calm, which was probably why the others were keeping their distance and not interfering.

Rey stopped inches from Luke and, holding his gaze, dropped the bag of holocrons at his feet. He did not look away from her; a mouse caught in the stare of a snake.

“You lied to me.” Her voice was calm, and steady, but there was underlying warning that she could sense they could all hear.

Leia was tense at Luke’s side.

“I don’t understand.” Confusion flickered in his eyes, and the fear became more apparent, but he maintained that steadfast poise of tranquillity.

“You know very well what I mean, _Master,”_ Rey’s lips curled ever so slightly as she saw disbelieving realisation being to bleed into his eyes, “You lied to me. A lie by omission, but a lie nonetheless. You knew me, even before Ahch-To, didn’t you?”

In her peripherals, Rey could see Leia’s mouth gape as she sharply looked at Luke, and Chewie cocked his head in surprise. That ruled them out. Good, so it was only really Luke to deal with.

When he didn’t respond, Rey’s voice became harsh and demanding, with an edge that was eerily threatening.

“ _Didn’t you?”_

Luke’s eyes flicked from hers, then swept over the others, and returned to Rey. It was plain he was nervous, but it would be imperceptible to perhaps everyone except Leia.

“Yes.”

Leia silently raised her hand to her mouth and frowned, but didn’t say a word.

Rey tilted her head, and continued ruthlessly, “I was abandoned by my mother at the academy as a little girl wasn’t I?”

“Yes.”

“My name is Rey _Kenobi,_ isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Ben Solo was my only childhood friend, wasn’t he?” It was a feat that she managed to keep her voice so steady, even while rage boiled beneath.

Leia inhaled sharply, turning her head and walking several paces away. Rey’s heart went out to the woman.

“Yes.” His measured calm broke then along with his voice, but he regained his composure quickly enough.

Her gasp was audible even at this distance, and even Chewbacca whined softly at the affirmation.

“And you thought it best to tell me _nothing_ of this?”

Luke’s expression was one of defeat.

Rey’s smile turned to one of bitterness.

“All that time, and you knew exactly who I was. You could have helped me, and you didn’t. You chose instead to…To let me suffer from dreams I didn’t understand that could have been explained! Not only me, but poor Chewbacca had to feel the effects as well, and you. You did nothing.”

Luke’s shoulders drooped as he sighed, “I know.”

“Explain.” Her single command was as loaded as Leia’s glare when she finally turned around.

Luke glanced between the two ladies, then fixed his sad eyes on Rey. Still, he maintained the equanimity of a Jedi. It irritated Rey that he was showing very little in the way of remorse. Their first meeting had been more telling than this.

“When you came to me on Ahch-To, I felt like I was meeting a ghost, come to punish me for my exile. Imagine my astonishment, my relief, when you didn’t remember a thing! I felt like, perhaps, I was given the chance to do something right. Not a day passed when I didn’t want to tell you, but I was cautious. I had no idea what kind of influence my nephew had over you, and I am ashamed to say that I rather ran away with those thoughts. The only possible way you could have survived were if Ben took you from the academy. And there you were, on my doorstep, asking for training. It pains me that my paranoia got in the way as it did-“

Rey was not surprised. Perhaps, deep down, she had expected a response similar to this.

“-It only intensified when your actions became more and more…erratic. Most likely amplified by my own growing seclusion. By the time our course on Ahch-To had reached its end, I felt it too jarring, too risky, to reveal your history with me, as even I did not have all the pieces to the puzzle. I didn’t want to risk unhinging you any further than the dreams already did…It was for the best-“

Rey did not think so at first, but she could acquiesce. Would she have trained so easily with Kylo Ren had she known? Probably not, but she’d never know.

“-I must say,” Luke’s eyes turned wary, “I for one would love to know how you came about knowing all of this?”

Rey shook her head, “Not yet, there’s still one thing _you_ need to account for, and I think you owe me.”

Luke inclined his head, and Rey was pleased to see the sudden haughty apprehensiveness replaced by the previous fear.

“I’m a Kenobi, as in _the_ Ben Kenobi?”

“His granddaughter, yes.”

Rey swallowed, aware that every eye in the entire hanger was turned on her.

Maz’s stare was particularly heavy in its careful scrutiny.

“Why did my father die, and why did my mother abandon me?” For the first time since she arrived, her voice shook slightly from hurt.

Luke’s gaze softened and grew sad once more, “Your father, Ben Kenobi’s son, I only met him a while after the battle of Endor. He and his wife had been living far on the Outer Rim where the Empire did not have such a strong foothold. You have to understand, anyone who was a Force User was a target, and they all dispersed themselves pretty thinly. Your father sought me out to help augment the academy, but he insisted his involvement be kept as silent as possible, still wary of the remnants of the Empire, and rightly so. The beginnings of the First Order were the ones to track him down and kill him, just a year after your birth-”

Rey winced involuntarily, but didn’t feel anything beyond that. She never knew them, it only stung because they were her parents, and she knew full well she was hurting at the idea of having lost them rather than the loss itself.

“-Tala reacted to you much like Han did to Ben, and she left you with me. I am sorry to say I never heard anything from her after that,” he smiled then, a wistful one as his poise slowly degenerated. It seemed almost a relief for him to be able to talk freely. “You, though you were a frightened, skittish little thing, grew an odd attachment to Ben. For the first few months you refused to talk to anyone else,” Luke chuckled slightly at the memory, before turning sombre again, “I suppose I should not be surprised it would be you who survived. That boy was unable to hide the fact he had a particularly soft spot for you.”

Leia was glaring daggers at Luke, but Rey did not quite know how she would respond to hearing the full story from Luke. Her imaginings were nothing like the gentle acceptance that replaced the earlier rage.

Now there was only one thing in her mind. How to explain her knowledge to Luke without endangering knowledge of the bond to _everyone?_

Rey risked a glance over to Maz, and she thought she caught the little alien shake her head slightly.

“Now,” Luke straightened and regarded her once more with careful trepidation, “How did _you_ come across all this detail?”

Rey considered him for a long moment, and was rather proud at the neutrality she was able to maintain. An idea formed in her head and she went with it. It wasn’t an _utter_ lie after all. Just an edited truth.

“I ran into him on Cato Neimoidia,” Rey crossed her arms and braced for the shocked and horrified looks that bombarded her a second later. It would be fair to say she was worried about Leia, with the look she wore that was halfway flummoxed and halfway manically hopeful, “He was…Fairly pleasant.”

Luke gaped at her, his mouth moving but no sound coming out.

“Apparently,” Rey continued with a sensibly guarded and precise tone, “His directive is to persuade me to join the First Order, at Snoke’s behest. He thought it prudent, or else an effective strategy, to reveal my past by means of affective memory. Then he left me be to continue his own mission,” Rey took a deep breath, still shaken from the brutality of those last few memories, “And you’re right, Luke. He was meant to come after you, but instead, he saved me.”

Luke’s eyes were blown wide, but Leia beat him to speech, “H-he just, left you? After showing you all of that.”

Rey smiled genuinely at the woman, and nodded, “According to him, several bars there are rather ideal if you wish to be anonymous for a couple of hours.”

Leia looked like she was about to cry. Luke remained in a state of shock.

None of the others said anything, but Rey could have sworn she heard Maz chuckle.

“Did he,” Leia wet her lips nervously, a crease between her brows and her eyes imploring, “Did he say anything _else?”_

Hoth, Rey thought…But did she tell Leia _everything_ he had said? Or would that lead to false hope? Oh frack it all, it was time for her to get a handle on this Sentinel thing. Rey was still of the mind that she would bring him back by any means necessary, even though things might be a bit more…complicated.

Rey nodded gently, “He asked me to hurry back from my own trip and warn you of a planned First Order strike on Hoth.”

Leia’s lips pressed into a thin line, her expression grim.

“…Leia?” Rey asked, worried that she may have done the wrong thing by informing the General that her son had wanted _her_ to be told.

Leia shook her head quickly, “I know of a large fleet amassing in a sector near to Hoth. It seems we’ll no longer need to _guess_ where they’re headed,” she sighed wearily, rubbing her eyes, “Rey I want you on ground point-”

This was no surprise to Rey, and she found she was eager to get back out in the field. Luke, however, was unpleased but Leia stopped him before he could so much as utter a syllable.

“-Don’t you dare, Luke. Don’t you dare. You and I have _plenty_ to discuss.” Her tone was hard as nails, and Luke remained silent, “-Poe, Finn, Myri, I want you three in the air. Help defend the evacuation transports, I’ll have four other teams sent in on foot to help Rey and the troops already there. You will of course have your squadrons to help you out. We can _all_ catch up when this is over. Right now I need you to move.”

The three in question nodded sombrely, shock still evident on their faces, and immediately headed out, throwing last worried glances at Rey. She could only smile reassuringly at them in the hopes it would quell whatever fears lay in their hearts.

Leia turned to Rey again, her own anxiety plain in her eyes, “Rey, there has been word that he has re-joined the First Order troops. I received it just before you touched down. He’ll most like be…There. Please, if you can help it-”

Rey gently rubbed the woman’s shoulder, “I won’t, Leia.”

No, she wouldn’t kill him. She was going to bring him back, and that was regardless of whatever happened between them on Cato Neimoidia or otherwise.

Rey was adamant it was purely for Leia.

The General nodded and left, calling only for Rey to report to the transport docks.

Rey turned back to Luke, and flicked her head to the bag still on the floor, “There are the holocrons, and we have more do discuss when I get back-Don’t worry not about my past-“ she hurriedly waved away his sudden stress, “About what he’s had to uncover for Snoke.”

“He told you?” Luke’s tone was an odd mix of dubiety and raw astonishment.

“He mentioned a few things in passing.”

The effort of having to uphold the neutral veneer was getting to Rey. It was exhausting to have to watch oneself so.

Luke nodded, then grabbed the bag and left in a whirl, unable to get away from Rey fast enough.

Soon, only Maz was left once again, and the tiny woman elbowed Rey’s thigh as they left the hanger together.

“You didn’t just talk about the _past_ now did you two?”

Rey shook her head, a small smile on her lips.

Maz laughed next to her, “Ah, I see the boy inherited his father’s charm-“ Maz waved her hands and scurried away before Rey could rebuke her in alarm “-No matter! No matter! Just be patient with him, Rey!”

Patient? Rey mused to herself as she was handed a set of strange black robes by one of the troops by the transport. Yes, she supposed she would have to be. With him, and everyone else it seemed.

But patience was not one of her stronger suits.

At her apparent confusion, the troop who had handed her the robes spoke up, “They’re some kind of Jedi combat robes that the General managed to source for you. Say’s they have some kind of weave in them that will protect you from most blaster bolts and vibroblade cuts.”

Rey was slightly dazed as she hurriedly changed into the robes. When they were on, they weren’t quite _black_ but rather a very dark blue-grey. It comprised of a long sleeved, high neck, thick tunic that fell down to mid shin and split down the sides from her hips, with a typical belt, leggings, and elbow-length glove combo that seemed synonymous with ‘fighting Jedi’. The heavy boots were definitely a step up from her usual material ones.

Rey would have to thank Leia later, this outfit was far preferably to her other one for the climate to which they were headed.

As they lifted off, a strange feeling settled in her gut again at the thought of possibly seeing _him_ again.

This stint would be on the battlefield for the first time since Starkiller.

It would not suffice to say that Rey was nervous. It was far, far more than that.

She had no idea how he would respond to her. Would he try to kill her now that all the truth was out? Would he fear that _she_ would aim to kill him?

Would they _have_ to fight tooth and nail for the sake of their troops?

The thought that one would be forced to fell the other in the name of their side was a dread-filled premise to Rey.

Their fights had always ended with first blood or less. A burn, a yelp, and he would tend her afterwards despite the illusionary manner of the wound.

How they would function in reality was a prospect that Rey shied away from, but now would have to face.

What she feared the most, as the shuttle hurtled through space, was if the killing blow would not be forced at all, because it would not be from her side.


	33. Defiance

**_Chapter 33: Defiance_ **

When the glistening white surface of Hoth appeared in the transport’s viewport, Rey was already sick with nerves.

All that previous level-headed calm? Gone. A distant memory.

Not even the wild dogfight going on in the atmosphere during their rapid descent could make her any more on edge. Rey was already far enough.

It was almost a relief to be rushed into the heat of battle the moment they touched down. The blaster bolts and voices that filled the air were perfectly tranquil compared to the cacophonous maelstrom that was her mind.

As it happened, Rey was not at all anxious about the larger battle. She knew she could fight, and she knew she’d be able to handle herself well, even with the Elite present.

That in itself was a shock to Rey, but she took it in her stride. Elite here? To what end? It seemed Snoke was escalating his tactics by bringing these…things into the First Order’s ranks.

Rey effortlessly threw a group of them into the nearby ravine, earning her many grateful nods from her squad, and steam followed her shimmering blade as she cut through the ranks of opposition.

Her body was in it, but her heart and mind were not. Rey’s limbs were moving in perfect form, and the Force flowed through her in all its hues, but it was all muscle memory. Her mind was stretching to feel if the bond between them would glimmer, but she hoped it would not.

Or rather, part of her did.

Part of her was hoping he would not be there, and yet a little shred of her heart was hoping he would. It made her uneasy to acknowledge, but she had been forced to admit that perhaps this was not all for Leia.

It was the more foolish and whimsical side of her, the side that still yearned to be back in that bar, where they could just _be._

But this was war.

Rey gritted her teeth as her form slipped, and an Elite landed a stinging blow.

The perpetrator soon found himself crumpled on the floor, along with his backup, after a particular quick Force Crush.

Still the bond remained silent, and Rey found a small amount of unsettling solace in it.

Her squad reached the ridge that overlooked the base, and Rey was struck still.

The base was in flames.

“ _Fracking hell!”_

“What in the name-“

“No-No no-“

“Oh _frack-“_

All around her, her troops were clutching their weapons and shaking their heads in horrified disbelief. One man fell to his knees beside her and whispered a woman’s name along with a prayer.

Rey knelt beside him, and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, taking initiative to slowly feed a little of the Force into him, and all the other troops.

It was similar to a mind trick, but rather affected one’s spirit. Rey had no idea from whence the idea came, but she went with it, and slowly but surely her squad was filled with healing energy and determination once more.

She helped the man to his feet, and gently rubbed his arm before facing the rest. To her astonishment, they were looking to her for leadership. It was then she noticed the Captain was missing. Oh Force…

Rey swallowed heavily, and glanced back to the base. A snowstorm was picking up, but the wind carried the desperate screams on its wings, and Rey’s mind was set. There were still X-Wings in the sky, and transports going to and fro, all was not lost just yet.

Her lightsaber hummed at her side, and one look at the yellow light reminded her of what she was now. A symbol, a pillar.

Clearing her throat and putting on a calm façade, she turned back to her troops; really now _her_ troops, and tilted her head towards the destruction below.

“That’s the First Order’s idea of a statement? Honestly, after Starkiller I’m slightly underwhelmed, wouldn’t you say?”

Nervous laughter rippled through the men and women, and a few even kept their smiles.

“Look at them. Look at all of our own who are getting away!” she pointed her lightsaber to the ships in the sky, “Don’t think of this mission as defence anymore, friends. Unfortunately, I’d say our objective has changed. I don’t know about you, but I don’t think a half-scorched and crumbling building is a good bet for a base anyway-“

A few more smiles appeared.

“-From now, its search and rescue. Get in there, and get as many Resistance members as possible to a ship to get _out_ , and you follow on close after. Don’t be chasing ghosts, you’re better off serving the living, alright?”

Nods all around, and hopeful determination.

“You still have ammo, you still have your blades, and you still have your lives. Put them to use and let’s make this a _damn_ hollow victory for the First Order.”

The man who had been on his knees only minutes before raised his gun and shouted in renewed vigour before heading down the ridge, and the others did the same soon after.

Rey felt another uneasy knot join the others twisting in her gut as she saw them run into the larger fray. Their faces were burned in her mind now, and if any of them didn’t come home, she knew it would haunt her for the rest of her life.

How did Leia do it? How did Leia command the entire army and still…Function?

How could it be done, when Rey was feeling queasy on the mere idea of having incited her own men to run to their very possible deaths?

Rey clenched her saber tight when she saw a group of Elite box in three of her squad. She surged towards them, using Cyclone to distract her men’s attackers while she descended upon them. With the snow swirling about, her troops took down three of the Elite with ease, and Rey brought the last two to their end by means of quick decapitation.

She knew she would have to play the role of leader for many fights to come, and she knew she may have to deal with losing many good people. But she’d be damned if she didn’t do everything she could to help them and bring them home.

As she fought alongside them, Rey was fully aware of her own squad’s mix of awed and fearful glances whenever she displayed her powers. She knew how terrifying she must seem, how _dangerous._ A being on the battlefield with the ability to make men fall to the ground with their minds in tatters, and crush their very bones. Rey would never hurt her own men, but she did not blame the ones who kept their distance. She supposed she would too, with the history of Force-Users being what it was. The Old Republic had a sordid history of saviours turned conquerors. Why should they view her any differently?

It was a miserable thought. No wonder the idea of the Dark Side proved so appealing. Just embrace the fear you cause! Why not?

Rey was disgusted by the very idea.

But she did not get much in the way of general battle to mull on it.

An explosion sent the earth beneath her feet rocking, and threw her violently off balance.

Rey was tossed onto her back several feet away, and could only scurry back on her hands as great chunks of rock and ice were spewed into the air from the fault fissure that had been detonated. With a panicked start, she realised one of her men were barely hanging on to the edge of the new tear in the ground. Rey raced forward as far as she could before sending a powerful Force Push across the large space, aimed at the struggling man. To her relief, she sent the man careening back onto the snow, and barrelling into the two other squad members who had been trying to pull him up.

A transport landed behind them.

“Captain!” The one called to her, and Rey had to do a double take at that.

Captain? _Captain?_

“Come _on_ Captain!” Another yelled, gesturing for her to join them on the transport. How they expected her to get over there, she did not know. She was not yet that skilled at Force-aided acrobatics as to make a jump like that.

Rey recovered and shook her head, “You go on! I have more to do here!”

Like get over to the right side of the gorge, she groused to herself.

The group hesitated, and Rey’s heart warmed at their consideration, but she motioned for them to leave again, and the pilot nodded.

As the lifted off, Rey was struck with dread to see how their faces changed from worry and trepidation to flat-out _fear._

They were waving their arms wildly for her to turn around, their eyes fixed on something just above her head, and beyond.

She would have been fine with another wave of Elite. Maybe another Dathomirian Warlord. Hell, she would have been completely content to fight a whole other _army_ of both combined, if it meant not turning around and seeing _him_ standing on the ridge she had been on a while before.

But there he was, face impassive, back in his black combat tunic and still without a mask.

Wisps of noxious, dirty smoke from the burning base swirled around her on the wind of the building storm, and he was obscured momentarily by a gust of upturned snow.

There were no Stormtroopers around him, nor were there Elite. In fact, any soldiers still in the vicinity, be they Resistance or First Order, gave the two supposed juggernauts a wide birth as Kylo Ren made his way down the side of the embankment, and Rey moved towards him as if magnetically pulled.

He ignited his blood-red saber, and she re-ignited her golden one.

Hopefully, she was maintaining as apathetic an expression as he was. She knew though, when they were but ten metres from each other, that when reluctance flashed over his features, they broke through her mask too.

In spite of the battle and the growing storm, the world around them was quiet while, in a fluid movement, both of them held their breath and braced their expressions; eyes tight and jaws clenched.

Then their blades crossed, and the roar of yet another maw being torn in the landscape of Hoth spewed snow and rock shards from behind Rey. The bright orange of what was a purposeful explosion was reflected perfectly in his wide eyes, so forcefully kept blank.

They clashed their fiery blades in a violent mockery of their usual sparring. Their collision was of two cyclones clashing, two tidal waves rushing in opposing directions, and their wake was just as large.

He had never had any trouble keeping her double-bladed weapon at bay in the illusions, and reality was no different.  He was fast, and ruthless, but she was just as adept as he was. He was the one who trained with her, after all.

Sparks flew as their lightsabers met, and angry steam hissed and fought back when their blades would be forced into the snow by the other.

It took a few minutes for Rey to realise that this was not truly a fight. It was a dance. It was a dance, and both of them were co-operating, feinting, and moving around each other.

This could not be.

Rey jarringly changed her position to one of more aggression, and her opponent was driven back up the snowy hill at her forceful blows. He met her at every strike, and deflected them arc for arc into the ice, showing them both in water and frost. When they reached the crest, Rey’s footing stuttered after a particularly off-balance and desperate blow- her own unwillingness seeping into her movements- and the man defending practically beneath her on the sharp downslope landed a heavy scrape on her hip, the strength of which sent her staggering to the side and unable to stay on her feet.

Rye did not miss his flinch as the strike actually met her flesh and she would rather not think on him not intending it at all.

She tried to regain her footing, but his hesitation did not last long, and she only just managed to defend a downwards blow. It did not matter that the jab she deflected would have hit snow anyway.

A flurry of her own blade made him lose his own balance, and a well-timed kick from Rey sent him tumbling roughly down the hill.

She jumped after him, and believed he moved himself out of the way in time as her shimmering blade dug heavily into the ground next to his chest, causing the snow to glow yellow and rapidly melt.

Rey took longer than necessary to attack again. Perhaps it was the reverence in his eyes. Perhaps it was the twinge in her chest that reminded her how much she just didn’t _want to._

It took her too long to wrench her saber from the ice and swipe down, and he kicked her off him with little trouble. Rey pretended she did not see the alarm on his face as she reeled towards a ravine edge, struggling to recover from the blow.

He was off the ground and at her side in an instant, bringing his blade around to her exposed side. She grabbed his wrist to hold him off, and he grabbed her fore-arm when she tried to jab at him.

Once more, they were in a lock, a mirror of their hold on Starkiller.

Rey could not deny the fading panic on his face, and was unsure whether the lock had been intentional or not…

The cliff was right there, and she was sure she would have gone over if not…

Her eyes flicked back to his, and she was stunned to the fierceness with which he was looking at her. His dark gaze flitted over her face, from her eyes to her lips and back, and there was a certain gentleness to it that left Rey dazed. They had been pushing each other before, two opposing forces. Now, it was more of a pull. Pulling away, pulling towards? Rey could not be sure, but the exertion of it was draining, and her head bowed slightly with the pressure of it.

His lightsaber was shaking high in the air, and hers was digging deep into the ground. Around them, the wind howled and there were blasts echoing from the base. Any snowflakes that swirled around them fizzled to nothing but vapour due to the heat of their lightsabers.

Gradually, his own head fell slowly with the labour of their block, and she could feel his breath on her forehead. They were trembling violently with the sheer tension of their grip that their shoulders, arms, and knees occasionally knocked. It left Rey in tenuous awe, her breath hitching, how similar this felt to their air that had hung heavy between them that last moment on Cato Neimoidia.

It had made a difference. It had, and Rey couldn’t just brush it off.

She could have sworn his mouth brushed against her forehead as their bodies rattled from the wind and fatigue.

It would be so easy, so simple, for one to toss the other down the steep embankment and retrieve them later. So easy, that a mere flick of the wrist would incapacitate the other and the fight would be over.

But Rey…Rey did not want to.

Rey could make little sense of the feelings toiling in her mind and heart, but what she could make out was that there _was_ a difference, and this was not all for Leia. She had grown to care for the man who was so carefully helping her maintain their precarious façade right now, and the knowledge both encouraged and petrified her as Rey looked at him with new, awed eyes.

Their breath mingled in cold, opaque puffes as his own eyes softened at her gaze, with something familiar spilling into them.

Adoration. Reluctance. A decision was made.

Their grip loosened ever so slowly, and then the ground lurched once more as the ruckus of explosive became louder. They deactivated their sabers at the sudden movement, but then there was alarm in his eyes as the ground crumbled from under his feet, and he let her go as if burnt, and slipped away from her, out of her fingers.

Rey responded on instinct, slipping her saber back onto her belt with one hand, and reached out for him before she even knew what she was doing, or saying.

“BEN!”

Even in the chaos around them, the shock was plain on his face as he grabbed her outstretched hands, and she was sure her expression mirrored his.

She tried, she tried to pull him back over the edge but the ground would have none of it, and Rey found herself abruptly pulled against his chest as they were engulfed in blinding, white snow.

Rey’s screams were lost in her throat as they tumbled, losing all orientation. The squall was suffocating, and it was only the sudden awakening of the tether in her mind that kept her sane, clinging to the man who fell with her caged in his arms.

What seemed like an age later, they came to a jolting stop at the base of the ravine, half buried in the upturned frost. Their breathing was laboured, and Rey could feel that his- Ben’s- breathing was hitched and erratic. Rey was on top of him, her head on his sternum, and she could feel that he was wincing with every breath. But still, he grasped her shoulders and lifted her from his chest to carefully check her, concerned eyes searching her for any injury before finally meeting her own.

Rey’s hands were still clenched tightly in his hooded cloak, against his chest.

He held her gaze, brow slightly knit in disbelief, and incredulity clear in his tone when he whispered through quivering lips, “ _What_ did you just call me?”

Rey was silent, moving along with his chest as it rose and fell with his heavy panting, and shivering as his breath washed over her. He shifted beneath her, flinching as he moved to prop himself on his elbow, one hand resting on her lower back. He _was_ hurt.

He had protected her from the fall.

His movement had only brought him closer.

“Rey, what did you just call me?” he asked again softly, almost scared, his nose a shudder away from brushing hers.

Rey wasn’t sure whether she yanked Ben towards her, or if his pulled her those extra millimetres closer, but their lips collided as their sabers had; brash and needy, but equivocate. Dancing.

Ben gasped against her mouth, capturing her lower lip between his again and again, suckling when she tentatively whimpered against him. His hand moved up her back to splay across her shoulder blades, and hers remained knotted in his cloak, straining to pull him closer.

They broke apart, only to meet each other’s eyes and see mutual fervour reflected back, then surge forward once more. Rey lost herself in the bliss of his startlingly soft lips moving against hers between the mess of gulps for air and near-clash of teeth when the need for closeness became too much.

It came as a marvel for both of them when their kiss slowed, but became no less swallowing. By now, his hand was cupping her neck, and one of hers had come to cradle the cheek that was scarred.

Gently, he broke away, pressing his forehead against hers, and gasping heavily for air. Warmth blossomed in her chest when he leaned into her touch as she caressed the burgundy scar with her thumb, on occasion letting her fingers trace his still-trembling lips.

When his eyes fluttered open to meet hers, they were filled with bewildered awe.

“ _Why?”_ He breathed, “Why don’t you hate me? Why would you-“

She held him steady so that he could not look away, “I made a promise, that I would do my best to help you-“

He made to speak but Rey stopped him with her thumb across his lips.

“And,” she steadied her voice, but it was still barely above a whisper, the ghost of an old smile from a time long gone on her face, “You’re _my_ Ben, remember? I can’t hate you…”

His expression crumpled with uncertainty, “Rey-“

“And I won’t either.”

There was no taking back the hesitant elation that sparked from him over their bond.

A line had been crossed, she supposed, but perhaps that boundary had already been overstepped when she let him lead her away to watch a sunset on the fringed of space. Maybe it was when she asked him to train her.

Either way, the single hanging moment was not to last as fire erupted overhead when another explosion rocked the ground.

“We need to leave, they’re cleaning up.” His tone was abruptly filled with urgency. “We need-“

Ben made to get up, but a groan escaped his lips as he slumped back onto the snow.

Rey picked herself up, then grabbed his hands and hauled him to his feet, pulling one arm over her shoulders to act as his crutch.

“Rey-“

“If they’re ‘cleaning up’, then I have no transport-“ She began to walk him closer to the cliff to take cover, “-Please tell me you have your own fighter nearby?”

He nodded, “A few clicks north of here. All our landing spots were sparse and secluded.”

“Good.”

Rey grimaced as she felt him cringe again and looked down to see a sheen of red fibres over his side that was pressed against hers.

“Frack, Ben…” His name was falling easier from her mouth now, and it even felt familiar. No longer was it bitter on her tongue.

He flinched again, but this time no due to the wound.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll tend it later.”

His strained voice left her silent in concern. She was not even thinking about how she was going to get back to D’Qar without it being suspicious, never mind what just transpired between them.

Rey wasn’t sure she wanted to discuss it.

And _Maz…_ Maz was going to have kath puppies at this.

Force help her.

From where they were, Rey could see the plumes of ugly smoke rise from the destroyed base. She felt a hand on her arm when she slowed at the sight.

“If we don’t leave now, we’re going to be caught. And I’d rather you not be taken to Snoke just yet-“ His tone was one of intense sincerity, and Rey would have pressed on it had his expression not been what it was.

She had never seen dread like that in his eyes.

She nodded, shifting to better support him and carried on walking.

More silence followed, but it was a companionable one, and Ben began walking a little easier as they went on, evidently having hurt a lot more than just his ribs in the fall.

The quiet was broken again only when Ben let his head lightly nudge hers, and murmured a tender, “Thank you, Rey.”

She knew he couldn’t see it, but he must have sensed the way her lips curved into an easy smile.

It might have been a terrible mistake, but in that moment, Rey couldn’t quite find it within herself to care.


	34. Abeyant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE:  
> a happy (ish) for the sappy  
> OH YES AND  
> I have a full-day exhibition tomorrow, so please don't be mad at me if i can’t update. I promise there will be penance!

**_Chapter 34: Abeyant_ **

“You’re hurt.”

“It’s not so bad.”

Ben’s wheezes when they finally reached the fighter told her differently.

“You are _badly_ hurt.”

“No, I’m not.”

Rey raised her brow as he struggled away from her to pop the hatches. Thank the Force it was at least a two-seater. His folded stance worried her though. She could see the pain on his face. Without thinking, she pressed her palms into his side and, ignoring his startled gasp, felt out the extent of that particular injury. There were definitely broken bones.

 “Rey…“ His voice was strangled, and indignant at her insistent prodding.

She sighed, “At least let me heal-“

“No, Rey, we don’t have time.” He shook his head, eyes imploring. “We have to be gone before the larger force convenes, to be safe.”

Rey did not like it. The wet patch of blood-soaked cloth was steadily growing.

“Ben, please-“

He flinched, and it had nothing to do with the wound.

“You don’t need to call me that,” he groused softly, a despondent expression on his face.

“But it’s your name.”

“Not anymore.” It pained her how haunted his countenance was, as if he truly believed what he was saying. It was utter nonsense.

Rey rolled her eyes, “Your name is your name, and it will always be yours. Besides,” she pinned him with a challenging look, “I don’t hear you _ordering_ me not to call you so.”

He tossed her defiant glare straight back at her, “You knew my name before, so why use Kylo till now?”

“I suppose…” Rey shrugged, grappling for a reason but not quite finding any good one that did not damn her for the unusual feelings welling within her. When she continued, Rey ended up speaking more to herself than him, “- I didn’t have a reason to want to call you Ben before.”

His brows shot into his hairline, but he didn’t press her further, instead moving to get into the pilot’s pit.

Rey grabbed his arm without hesitation, yanking him back to the ground off the ladder, and spinning him around.

Her expression must have been something fierce, as whatever he was about to say in response died on his lips. He looked almost afraid.

“Absolutely _not._ You are _not_ flying this ship in your state.”

His face relaxed to something mimetic of amusement, then cheek, “I am going to fly the ship, and while I do so, _you,”_ he led her to the passenger hatch, and she followed him with a falsely appeasing smile on her face, “-are going to conjure up some kind of excuse for all your friends back at base. My mother is quite the perceptive person, and she’ll wonder how you got back.”

Rey considered him for a moment, the cogs tangibly clicking around in her head.

He was right, Leia would see right through any flimsy reason as to how she got back, and depending where Ben was planning to leave her, those stories could range from wild to whimsical. On top of that, Rey knew she was not the best of liars, and had to mix some element of truth into it in order for it to work, like she had with Luke before.

 _That_ gave Rey an idea, and Ben looked vaguely nervous as she gently took hold of his shoulders and grinned slyly up at him.

“I have a better idea.”

Rey completely ignored his yelp of protest when she pushed him down into the co-pilot seat as gently as she could manage while still catching him off guard, and slammed the door closed. She smirked at him through the sheet-glass of the viewport as she waltzed over to the pilot’s chair, enjoying his somewhat wounded and faux-murderous expression.

As expected, the second she climbed in and closed the hatch, he started protesting.

“Rey you can’t-“

“Just did,” she responded flippantly, priming the engines.

He gaped at her, trying to spit out whatever words were knotting his tongue. Rey’s heart twisted slightly when she looked to him and saw that he was rightly _petrified._

She held his gaze, and felt the spikes of fear jump through her mind. Then flashes.

His mother.

Oh.

Ben’s brow knit, and the terrified expression remained as he broke eye contact with her to glance at the navigational chart, her hands on the controls, and back to her.

His white-knuckle grip on the side of the hatch tightened imperceptibly, but the tensing made his whole body stiffen.

_Oh._

Rey’s heart sank at the terror she had unintentionally inflicted.

“Ben,” she said gently, reaching over to clasp his shoulder, “Ben, I’m not flying us to D’Qar.”

He swallowed heavily, his face unchanged.

Rey moved her hand up to hit throat, lightly grazing his jaw with her thumb, “I stayed behind to make sure my troops got out safe, then stole a First Order fighter,” She could feel him relax slightly under her fingers, “Unfortunately, the ship was in pretty bad shape, and could only make it as far as-“ She scanned the chart and picked the first planet she remembered from the Resistance ‘Safe’ charts, “-Utapau, before I had to abandon it and jumped on a transport.”

The engines hummed as they reached idle.

Ben held her in a conflicted but grateful stare.

“Why?” he asked softly, “Why would you…help-“

Rey shifted to face him, and pressed her other hand against his wounded side, sending a quick burst of healing through him. It was all she could muster at such short notice.

“I suppose I could ask you the same question.”

With that, she turned back to the controls and lifted them off.

Rey didn’t feel his gaze waver till they were in hyperspace and hurtling towards Utapau. She turned to see his eyelids flutter erratically, and he rubbed his eyes.

“You’re exhausted, and on top of that you’re losing a _lot_ of blood, Ben.”

He shook his head, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, “It’s nothing,” he breathed, “Just a graze.”

Rey huffed in exasperation, pushing the hyperdrive to its limit. She had to treat him, and she wouldn’t stand for any of his Sith self-mending kark.

His weak chuckle startled her, and she was startled to see him watching her with fond rapture.

“What?”

Ben shook his head, a hint of a smile on his lips, “You’ve changed so much, yet not at all. Still as caring, and unnervingly kind.”

Rey was left speechless, caught off guard by his impassioned tone.

“I truly did miss you, Rey. Not only recently. I-“

The blood loss was getting to him, Rey was sure of it.

“I still have the photograph, you know.”

“It was your own doing, Ben,” Rey said quietly, “It might have happened either way, but…”

“I know.”

Regret, remorse, shame.

Rey supposed she heard all three present in his crushed whisper.

They said no more till the ship was safely docked on Utapau. Rey quickly powered down the engines then pulled herself onto her knees to face him. Ben protested at first, but one withering look from Rey and he let her push his hands aside, and helped her pull his cuirass and undershirt off.

The moment his chest was bared, Rey used a piece of his tunic to gently wipe away most of the excess blood, then pulled her own gloves off and pressed her hands to his feverish skin.

Ben hissed at the contact, squeezing his eyes shut. Rey did her best to gain her bearings promptly and not leave him in too much unnecessary pain. It was a very long minute before she could finally channel more healing energy into him. Her hands moved sharply with his every laboured breath, and Rey could not help but feel guilty.

He had taken the brunt of the fall. He had-

“Rey, Rey it’s healed.” His voice startled her, as did the hand lightly shaking her shoulder.

Slowly, Rey opened her eyes to see that the previously churned and lacerated patch of skin had been replaced by a sheen of silvery scar tissue. It was barely discernible from the rest of his pale skin.

“Rey-“

She inhaled sharply and pulled her hands away, not having realised she had been tracing the nearly-invisible scar. Ben caught her hands in his, giving them a light squeeze before dropping them, hastily pulling on his undershirt, and unlocking his hatch to get out. Rey followed suit, stunned that he was already at her hatch, and closing it behind her.

“What are you-“

Her words were lost to the cloth of his shirt when he pulled her to his chest, and held her near.

Rey probably should have pushed Ben back, or stepped away. Instead, she folded her arms around his waist and let him draw her closer, arms crossed over her back and hands spread. She turned her face into his neck, her forehead resting against him there, relishing the way it felt so…

Safe.

Rey felt safe in the arms of the man she not too long ago thought a monster.

It just wasn’t right, and yet…

“You’re scared,” he said against her hair.

Rey nodded, too distracted by what of that he had _heard_ and what he just felt to answer properly. She didn’t trust her voice to be steady.

“Me too.”

Ben pulled back and studied her. Rey tried to keep her featured schooled, but she knew her eyes would give away her thoughts, her feelings. Or rather, the mess thereof.

He sighed, “Rey you should go. The longer you take, the harder it will be to explain away what happened.”

“Engine failure. Maintenance troubles.”

That elicited a tiny smile. A wistful smile.

Then he let her go and walked back to his ship. She watched him climb in, start up, and brusquely take off. Rey could not miss the reluctance on his face as he glanced at her for the last time before spinning out of the sinkhole of the hanger, no matter how hard she tried to ignore it. It spoke of longing.

It made her uncomfortable to watch him go.

Several minutes later saw her shoved rather unceremoniously into a packed transport heading to D’Qar. Resistance hopefuls, the lot of them. Rey only prayed the convoy wouldn’t be stopped along the way. It was a very, very long trip to D’Qar.

But Rey’s mind was busy enough to keep her well entertained for the entire trip. There were a lot of buzzing and stinging thoughts that made no real cohesive sense when it came down to the baseline.

All in all, Rey was, as Leia had so eloquently put it a while back, ‘A mess’.

She could still feel Ben’s arms around her, and Force help her she wanted to feel it again.

It had felt so natural, even though she told herself over and over that it was everything but.

Rey needed to know where her own sentiments stood with regards to Ben Solo, but no matter how hard she argued against herself, nothing came of it. The thoughts spiralled and yet still somehow ended at the same sticky place.

She felt s _omething_ for him, this was a certainty, but she would refuse for it to be any more than care. Compassion.

When her compartment finally spilled out onto the refugee pad of D’Qar, her thoughts were no more sorted than when she had landed on top of him at the bottom of the ravine.

It only took one wave of her lightsaber hilt for the guards at the Resistance base doors to let her in, though Rey was fairly sure the drawn look on her face might have been enough.

Though, Rey supposed the flash of the saber helped spread the word that she was back, for not a few moments later and she was nearly bowled over by a stricken Poe and Finn. Leia followed close behind, then Luke and Maz.

Not much could be made of their incoherent mumblings other than ‘Rey’, ‘safe’, ‘heard Kylo was there’, and ‘thought you got snatched’, though that was probably the gist of it.

Rey was happy to hug them back with just as much enthusiasm, pushing her hornets’ nest of thoughts about Ben Solo to the side, for now.

It took a while, but she eventually calmed them down enough for Leia to ask the question most likely on everyone’s minds.

“How in the world did you get away? Your squad was the last friendly ship that made it out alive, and they told us you stayed behind.”

It was a tangible relief that her men made it out, but then Rey had to face the actual question.

So, with everyone’s eyes on her as well as their rapt attention, Rey steeled herself and told the rehearsed and polished story.

Stole a First Order fighter, got through the blockade no with no problem, forced to land on Utapau and come in with refugees. Finn and Poe ate it up, Luke seemed to accept it, and Rey was relieved that Leia was readily agreeing with Poe on her ‘wily quick thinking’.

But Maz…Maz was staring straight into her soul and pulling all her little secrets out. Most likely by the midi-chlorian roots. That woman did not know the concept of inappropriate staring. Rey only hoped the others did not notice.

“-Far outnumbers, and by troops we’ve never seen before, except for the two you killed here recently!” Leia’s incredulous tone pulled Rey’s attention back from the probing eyes of the little wisewoman.

So the Resistance didn’t actually know about the Elite?

“They’re Snoke’s footmen,” Rey offered, “The temple Luke sent me to was crawling with them, along with a Zabrak Force-Sensitive. Dathomirian, I’d wage-” She studiously ignored their aghast expressions. “-Apparently they function as Ben’s training dummies, and the temple would have been another possible training ground had I not wiped it out.”

Luke was the only one who appeared unfazed.

“H-how do you know this?” Leia asked, eyes wide.

Rey would have had to scramble for a believable answer other than ‘Your son told me’, and cycled through many from ‘overheard it on Neimoidia’ to ‘picked a datapad off a corpse’, but Luke answered for her.

“The holocrons you brought, among them were data logs that were recently updated. I just read one this morning that catalogued all of this. It truly is most disturbing.”

Rey was most likely staring at him with all the astonishment that Leia was, and hastily pulled her expression into one of neutrality. It was pretty damn close to the datapad fib, but Rey was glad she wouldn’t have to guard herself over this. She would just have to remember to go over those holocrons and make sure that what _she_ knew correlated with what was in the data.

If that wasn’t the Force intervening, Rey didn’t know what was.

But fracking hell it was exhausting to cover up for the informant that Leia’s son had become.

“And when, exactly, were you planning on sharing this?” Leia’s tone was acerbic, and she looked just about ready to spit fire at her brother.

Luke gestured to Rey, “Now, actually, had it not been for her latent arrival.”

Leia pressed her lips into a thin line, nodding, but not changing her expression one bit.

“And I suppose the data logs will also tell us why these ‘footmen’ are only joining the fight now?”

“Not quite, but there were some in-depth notes on Malachor, and a few other temples where more of these soldiers are being trained-“

Leia grabbed his cloak and dragged him behind her, not letting him finish that sentence, “You are going to tell me _in full_ what those holocrons say, whether you like it or not, Skywalker. I am the _General_ of the Resistance and if you think you can just keep information till…”

“Poor boy,” Maz giggled, “doesn’t know what nest of gundarks he’s shaken up.”

Poe and Finn looked fairly horrified. Rey doubted they’d be pulling any of their usual antics around Leia anytime soon.

“Rey-“ Poe turned to her with an expectant look on his face, but was cut off when Maz elbowed him in the thigh.

“Oh go on you two, go share the news that she’s back. I’m sure Myri would be happy to hear it, as would the rest of the soldiers she lead. It’s my turn to talk with our resident, eh, troublemaker.”

Honestly, Rey would have rather taken up Poe on his much older challenge of pazaak shots with Tarisian Ale than have a conversation with Maz after what happened with Ben…

But it was too late, Poe and Finn were already skulking off like kicked puppies, and Rey was alone with the smirking little woman.

“If you _stole_ that fighter, I’m younger than Yoda, and I can probably show you holophotos of that boy with _hair.”_


	35. Median

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back! (For now)  
> And the exhibition went splendidly thank’ee kindly for all the well-wishing!

**_Chapter 35: Median_ **

Rey gulped uncomfortably, following Maz when she beckoned.

The little woman was laughing delightedly.

“Oh, my dear Ben!” she tittered more to herself, than Rey, “You _really_ did it now didn’t you? You scruffy little tach…”

When they reached on of the hanging gardens, Maz turned sharply on her heel, and shoved Rey onto one of the benches, then promptly stood with her hands on her hips and studied the slightly alarmed woman before her with twinkling, magnified eyes.

“Tell me _everything!”_

Rey could only gape at her.

“Come on girl, don’t be shy. I can feel a difference in you, so there’s really now use hiding it.”

Rey shook her head slightly, trying to clear her fuzzed thoughts that were shaken so by the insistent little woman.

Maz rolled her eyes, “I understand if you want to keep this from Leia and Luke, and I somewhat agree with you…But do you really think it’s clever to keep it all bottled up?” Her face softened when she cupped Rey’s face and lifted her head so their gazes met.

After a drawn moment, Rey sighed and shook her head again.

Maz nodded, a vaguely triumphant smile on her face, and waited patiently.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Maz…” Rey’s voice was shaky.

The woman reached down and plucked Rey’s saber from her belt, then turned it over and over in her hands. Maz stared at it as if it was telling her all Rey’s dirty secrets, explaining in fine detail just how the battle on Hoth went…And how it ended.

For all Rey knew, it most likely was.

“These are exceptional components… You built this on Yavin Four?”

“Yes.”

“You got _all_ these pieces from the temple?” Maz didn’t even look surprised.

“Yes,” Rey mumbled, quieter than she had last time, losing her brazenness.

“You got them from Ben’s room, didn’t you?”

Rey had to hand it to the woman, she pulled no punches.

“Yes.” It was a whisper.

“And he was guiding you the whole way, wasn’t he?”

Rey pinned the woman with her own challenging look once more, “You obviously know the answers, so why even ask?”

Maz laughed, completely unfazed, “Because I enjoy hearing you admit to it! And the _way_ you answer me is rather telling on the whole.”

Rey chose to ignore that for the time being, “How _did_ you know I got them from his room?”

Maz shrugged, “If a person spends long enough with an item, they begin to imprint upon it. I can sense his mark in this saber, and I highly doubt that whatever you two _actually_ got up to on Cato Neimoidia was enough to warrant this level of residual energy.”

Rey didn’t even know why she tried to defy this whirlwind of a woman in the first place. It was hopeless, as it had been before.

“Yes, he helped me on Yavin Four, and before you even ask, yes he helped me on Dromund as well. And yes,” Rey’s voice was low just in case the trees and vines had ears, “he helped me off Hoth.”

Maz hooted a gleeful laugh, handing the hilt back to Rey.

“I knew it! You are a mediocre liar at best, Rey. I suggest you brush up on that if you wish to keep this whole _affair_ secret-”

Rey shot Maz a withering look at the implications in her voice.

“-And don’t even look at me like that, Kenobi-“ Rey started slightly at hearing that name, _her name._ It would take some getting used to. “-I _know_ these things when I see them. You and Ben have started something now, and I sincerely hope you’ll finish it.”

Rey was silent for a long time, her tight-lipped will cracking under Maz’s loaded stare.

Dare she tell the woman?

How could she explain something she didn’t even understand herself?

“Cato Neimoidia...” Rey breathed, “He didn’t tell me my past then. He _showed_ me his own memories, yes, but that was only later on Dromund, when I, uh, recognised his voice as the one in my Force terror…”

Maz was watching her with intrigued eyes. Rey could tell she was practically bursting at the seams for the story, but there was a patience to her poise that undoubtedly came with age. To be fair, she was also probably trying not to spook Rey into silence.

“We were almost normal, Maz,” Rey hadn’t meant to sound so forlorn, “In the bar on Neimoidia. We were- We had drinks, played pazaak, and _talked._ He didn’t try anything, in fact, he seemed to want the peace of it just as much as I did. When I had to leave, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to…And I got the feeling he didn’t want to either.”

Maz was nodding slowly, still enraptured.

“The memories…” Rey’s gut twisted at the remembrance, “He showed me those in the hopes that it would make me hate him. Something about wanting to keep me safe- some status-quo bull I’m sure- and I tried I really did but…”

“You couldn’t.” This was not news to Maz.

She probably knew it from the start.

Rey shook her head, “And on Hoth, we fought at first,” Rey mumbled, the words tumbling before she could stop them, “Like we were supposed to, like we’re _meant_ to…Then..” she swallowed heavily, her heart gripped with fear, but the fear wasn’t of telling Maz, it was of actually saying the words herself. Out loud, and making it _real._ “We- We were caught in an avalanche. He used his body to shield me during the fall. He got hurt-“

Rey wanted to tell her. She wanted to get this off her chest, but she just couldn’t sort out her own thoughts.

“-He didn’t let me go after. He just held me and made sure _I_ was unharmed. And after all that had happened…I couldn’t get Cato Neimoidia out of my head, Maz. The way he looked at me, just for calling him by his _name_ \- I-“ Even to herself, Rey had never heard her voice so beseeching for understanding, “Maz, we- Did something I don’t- I-”

Rey was looking at her knees, unable to get the words out. How hard was it to say ‘We kissed’? ‘We did something impulsive and I don’t know what the ever-loving fracking hell to do about it.’

Then Rey felt little hands on her shoulders, lightly rubbing circles where the fingers lay.

“It’s alright, Rey,” Maz’s voice was gentle. Understanding. “It’s alright. You two crossed an intimate line. You kissed, it’s not so hard to see. And it’s _alright._ Fantastic, actually.”

Rey’s eyes flew to Maz’s face, stunned by the pure delight on the woman’s features, “ _How,_ Maz? _How_ is it alright? We’re meant to be fighting each other not-“

“No, you’re meant to be _saving_ each other, and that’s exactly what you’re doing.”

“Maz-“ Rey’s voice was filled with doubt.

“I actually need to amend that statement. You can’t _make_ him come back. You can only guide him. He needs to make the decision himself. But quite honestly, I’d say you’re doing an excellent job.”

That snapped something in Rey. It was something that had been niggling at her conscience, but it had never really made itself clear till now. She had been so willing to help him, she hadn’t considered bringing him back to base as a possible move.

“That’s the _thing_ Maz! I had him right there, in the fighter. _I_ was the one flying and I didn’t…Was that wrong? To not bring him in? To just let him go back to _Snoke?_ ”

Maz sighed, “It may not seem like it, but I’d say it was. What good would have come of bringing him here? I can think of plenty that would have gone _wrong.”_

Rey could, too. Leia’s derailment. Luke losing focus. Force knows how Poe would’ve reacted, Rey certainly didn’t. Most of the Resistance would have gone on a witch-hunt, calling for a lynching to make a statement. Rey would have been the only thing to stand between him and the baying for blood. They would have been easy pickings for the First Order in that state, and Rey would become a target for select groups of troops too. The ones who were less loving of Force-Users, that is. Their pet Jedi defending the poster boy of the enemy.

Maz was smiling as she watched the realisation show on Rey’s face.

“You did the right thing, Rey. You followed your gut, and you did the right thing.”

Rey laughed, “And yet, he’s back with his Dark Master, here I am, a relative mess because of _it,_ and some of these troops are relying on me to be a level headed leader! Maz, they called me _Captain!_ I can’t be a Captain…I can’t lead these people with my disposition towards Ben Solo!” Rey’s had to struggle to keep her voice down in her sudden panic. Maz seemed utterly unbothered by her outburst. She looked like she expected it. “Hell, I can’t lead these people properly with my rather precarious stance in the Force, never mind Ben Solo.”

“Rey-“ Maz was about to argue, but Rey would have none of it.

“I _annihilated_ that temple on Dromund, Maz. Destroyed it. There is not a single person left alive in it. On Hoth, I did similar. I can’t count how many people I’ve killed with my lightsaber alone, never mind use of the Force. And that, Maz, is one hell of a body count. All dead by means of the Dark-“

Again, Maz tried to intercede, but Rey was spilling now, and wasn’t about to stop.

“-But I don’t want to give up those tools, Maz, because I felt _good_ in being able to defend my troops, even if it was only possible with that more sinister side of the Force, and I _enjoy_ the power it gives me. It makes me feel like I can make a discernible difference…” Her tone was calming down now, having poured out most of her fears and misgivings, “I just don’t know if that’s what these people need. They need someone like Luke. Someone Light, someone who can embody all of those Jedi paragons. I am not that person.”

Maz regarded her for a heavy moments, for once taking the time to formulate an answer rather than just say what was at the front of her mind.

When she did speak, it was with a warmth that Rey was not expecting, and a chuckle that startled her, “You poor child,” she shook her head, her expression one of reverence, “How did you manage to keep all of this so close to your heart, so guarded, and not let it crack you clean in half?”

Slowly, Rey’s breathing was returning to normal. She felt oddly calm.

Maz looked at her with deep affection, “Rey, my dear. In this time, we don’t need heroes, or mythical saviours. We need people. People who don’t always do the easy, or right, thing. People who remind us what it means to be sentient. People who walk that line between Dark and Light, and get burned while they get saved. People who still come out the other end and say ‘I survived.’” Maz cupped Rey’s cheek again. “You _are_ that person, my dear. And Ben will be another once he regains his sense. There’s no room in this galaxy for Jedi, or Sith, or whatever the next big Force Religion is…History has proven that time and time again.”

Rey took a deep breath and nodded, though still dubious.

Maz, however, was not finished, and now had an almost nostalgic look on her face, “Do you know what the single greatest threat was to the Jedi and the Sith of the old times?”

Rey shrugged, unable to formulate any strength to speak.

“Grey Jedi. Force Users who proved that one could exist in perfect harmony, drawing on both sides of the Force. They maintained a peaceful existence in spite of loving, being impassioned, and hating. They managed great feats in the old wars, and saved many lives with sheer power and brutal ability, despite being persons of great serenity and calm outside of the battlefield. They contradicted everything the two extremes stood for, and yet they flourished. Granted, they had to flee from both groups for fear of their lives- those were terribly dark times indeed- but those who managed it thrived.”

Was that truly what Rey was? A ‘Grey Jedi’? It certainly sounded an attractive prospect, and matched what she felt with regards to the Force. But she just couldn’t shake the fear that she would not be enough somehow. Rey had not forgotten that she had spent most of her life as a lowly scavenger on Jakku. Now here she was, the granddaughter of the legendary General Kenobi and, to her troops, a Jedi.

Kenobi.

“Maz,” Rey asked softly, something strange occurring to her, “Why didn’t _you_ recognise me before?”

She shrugged, “Well, because I didn’t know you. You yourself did not _know_ your history, how was I to know you?”

Rey looked at the woman, confused.

Maz shook her head, “Saying ‘the eyes are the windows to the soul’ does not only function as a fancy turn of phrase. It is a truth. You, however, did not know a thing about yourself when I first met you. I can’t divine what people don’t already know, or sense.”

It was an extraordinary concept, that one’s history could define them so.

What then made a person an individual, in the eyes of the Force? A name was such a flimsy thing, yet it carried so much _weight._

And Rey was sure everyone on base would know her name soon, and hold her to it.

Except she had no inkling of learned Kenobi in her, and she was no Jedi. To top it all off, she felt _something_ for the enemy.

Rey was terrified.

Maz patted her knees affectionately, “I can’t say anything that will ease your anxiety over all of this. All I can advise is that you continue to do what you’ve been doing. Follow your instincts, Rey. They haven’t failed you yet-“ The woman offered her a reassuring, and oddly _proud-_ smile. “-As far as the troops go-“ Maz’s gaze was diverted, and Rey turned to see Finn, Poe, and Myri hovering impatiently by one of the arches. “-I’d suggest you go spend some down time with them. Enjoy yourself and relax before Luke and Leia get their claws into you again for some or other mission. And remember, your secrets are safe with me. I’ve been around long enough to know when silence is the most effective weapon.”

Rey nodded gratefully at the beaming little woman, and bent down to give her one last hug before loping over to the antsy trio.

Finn considered her carefully as she approached, and grabbed Poe’s shoulders melodramatically when she came to rest before them.

“Are we _sure_ she’s not a mirage? I mean, a trick or somethin’.”

Poe mimicked a thoughtful beard-stroke, and Myri rolled her eyes.

“I don’t know Finn,” Poe said, moving to peer closely at Rey, who was doing her best not to burst into fits of giggles at Myri’s expressions, “I think some thorough testing is in order! Perhaps some pazaak, some whiskey, some storytelling-“ he prodded her in the ribs, and an involuntary laugh burst forth as Rey flinched away from his touch, covering the ticklish spot, “Oh sweet Force she’s actually real. Someone crack out the good stuff!”

Rey couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt. She truly had been very absent. It hit her then just how much she had _missed_ Poe and Finn. Myri, too, was becoming a fast friend. She pulled Poe into her arms then, stunning him speechless before moving to hug both Finn and Myri in a similar fashion.

“Sure we can, sure we can!” Rey laughed, “Please, I’d like that a lot.”

Poe’s smile faltered, letting some old sadness flash through, and then it was gone.

He knew.

He could see the familiar, haunted look most likely behind her eyes.

Poe slung an arm around her shoulders then, his smile back where it was, and guided her out of the gardens. Finn and Myri followed close behind, twittering to and fro.

As they walked, Rey noticed that the base didn’t have the best feel about it. In fact, it was unusually dead. Hoth’s loss had hit the Resistance hard, probably just as hard as it had during the time of the Rebels.

Poe noticed her distraction.

“Don’t worry, buddy,” he squeezed her shoulders, “We’ll do some card-counting, have some caffa, and you can tell us all sortsa tales from beyond the Rim. We’ll even get Chewie and the droids in on the action!”

Rey flashed him an eager smile, happy to be able to spend time with her friends.

Friends.

Such a foreign concept such a long time ago.

_They’re good for you._

Rey hadn’t even noticed the bond open up. Warmth flooded her system unbidden at his tender tone.

_I’m glad to see you got home safely, Rey._

_And yourself?_ She asked, allowing Poe and the others to lead her to an empty-ish common room, scattering to pull together the drink, the droids, and the wayward Wookie.

_Home is somewhat relative. For now, Korriban or Hux’s flagship will have to do._

Her heart ached at his blatantly false apathy.

_Ben…_

_I will not disturb you further, I simply meant to make sure you were alright._

_You’re not bothering me, Ben._

On the contrary…

The tether surged with his astonishment, but he did not explore it further.

_Nevertheless, I’m thankful you’re safe._

_Ben-_

But he was gone, and in spite of her earlier confusion, Rey found herself wishing she could have a little more time with Ben Solo.


	36. Stray

**_Chapter 36: Stray_ **

Rey would never be able to show gratitude enough to account for all the good her friends did.

Finn was all too ready to crack jokes and make her laugh. Chewie spent ages making sure she was in peak health. Myri made sure _everyone_ from her Hoth squad knew she was safe, and brought them into the party for good measure. They were soon joined by Poe’s and Finn’s squads respectively.

Poe. Poe had become Rey’s reliant crutch. He was a sympathetic ear, and someone to lean on. He didn’t judge her whenever she reached for the bottle while they played pazaak in the corner and chatted. He didn’t press her to join in the other activities. But there was something in the way he looked at her throughout the night, as if he were watching her and analysing her. Even when they laughed together, and the room filled up, he still watched her with an odd intensity that Rey couldn’t quite figure out.

It seemed that the Resistance troops would take any excuse to throw festivities and raise spirits. Rey’s return was no different. Soon enough, the common room was full, and the gathering spilled out onto the patio, and then the grass thereafter. Caffa, juma, and a little whiskey, flowed through the night, and pazaak was the order of the day.

At least no one had started Nar Shaddaa rules yet, but Rey supposed that would crop up soon, if the singing and dancing was anything to go by.

But, mercifully, Poe did not even coax her to take part. He himself stayed with her and did not get immersed in the larger party. Finn and Myri were invested enough for the both of them, and Chewbacca was also content to watch. Naturally, no one would dare bug a Wookiee.

The energy of the gathering itself was enough to lift Rey’s spirits. While she originally started telling them what Yavin Four and Dromund was like when they asked, they soon realised how it unsettled her to speak of it, and ended the conversation, instead turning to more light-hearted activities.

Rey was thankful to know people like them.

It was the early hours of the morning when Rey quietly left the room, letting the party continue. Poe walked with her to her quarters, silently offering more consolation and support than words ever could, even without knowledge of what she had truly been through.

She opened the door, but he did not let her go in.

He pulled her back and into his arms, squeezing her in a tight, reassuring embrace. Rey melted into the gesture, hugging him back, her chin resting on his shoulder.

Poe didn’t let her go.

“Rey,” he started, his voice loud in the silence of the corridor, reminiscent of the looks he had been throwing her earlier. The muted music of the party seemingly miles away. “I can see that whatever happened out there affected you one heck of a shot. And I’m guessing it had a lot to do with our mutual Forceful friend, even though you’ll probably never admit it-”

Rey flinched in his arms, and she knew he felt it. He held her snugger.

“-I’m just spitballin’ here-” His tone was light, as if telling a happy tale. Rey could tell it was wistful affectation. “-But I’m thinking a lot more happened than you’re letting on, Sweets. And hey, if your edginess is anything to go by, I’m trusting it’s something that needs to be kept hidden, else you wouldn’t be doing it, right?”

Rey felt instantly guilty, “Poe-“

He shook his head, and rubbed her back, still not letting her go, “I’m not blind, buddy, I can see something’s up, and I’m willin’ to bet my pilot’s helmet that it’s got to do with good ol’ Ben-“ His voice broke a bit, even accusingly, and it made Rey’s gut twist.

“How can you know?” she whispered, feeling no inhibitions or fear of being judged by Poe, “How can you know it’s Ben?”

“Because you called him Ben-” Poe said simply, and Rey’s thoughts froze.

What had Luke and Leia made of it, if this was Poe’s conclusion?

“-Now I highly doubt you’re doing anything against the Resistance, and I’m trusting you that whatever you do will be for the good of all of us-“ Poe pulled back and fixed her with a pleading look. “-Please don’t make me regret it.”

Rey shook her head quickly, her eyes stretched wide, and her forehead most likely wrinkled, “Poe, no-No! It’s not- Poe…”

He waited expectantly while she recovered from the shock of his statement.

This. _This_ was the reason why Rey just couldn’t lie. She just couldn’t jeopardise these friendships.

Rey’s heart constricted in her chest.

She couldn’t betray Ben’s confidence either.

“Poe,” Rey began slowly, picking her words with care, “You’re right. You’re right, and it is _him_ that…who’s effecting me so. But he’s not- _I’m_ not giving anything away, Poe, I swear. Nor am I jumping ship to the First Order. Please-“

“I believe you, Rey,” he interrupted her, a small smile on his face, “Just keep showing me like you have been, and we won’t have a problem-“ his expression darkened then to one of bitter sadness, “-I don’t want to lose another of my best buds to the scum of the universe.”

A lump formed I Rey’s throat out of empathy for the man before her, and she pulled him into a hug just as he had to her before. He wrapped his arms around her, letting his head fall to her shoulder, and let Rey act as his support, for once.

“Poe,” Rey murmured, coming to a decision, “Guess who I played pazaak and drank juma and juri with, in a bar, on Cato Neimoidia?”

Poe jerked back and stared at her, mouth slightly agape, “You…”

“Ben.”

He gaped, his mouth forming words, but none made it to fruition. His expression was one of blatant bewilderment.

“Ben, Poe. He found me in the bar while I waited for my jump window to Dromund. He was there for his own means, and we honestly did just run into each other. He was not searching me out.”

“And…and the memories?” he asked hesitantly.

Rey shook her head. “Later, on Dromund.”

Poe surprised Rey by jumping back and laughing, “And you drank with him?”

“Played a game, actually. Juma or juri.”

Poe’s eyes were dancing, a cautious smile making its way over his face, “And pazaak? You two _civilly_ played pazaak? And he didn’t try to ‘seduce’ you or anything?”

Rey shook her head again, a tiny smirk on her face. Poe was almost as bad as Maz.

She had not expected Poe to react like this, but it was better than she imagined.

He chuckled again, “I can’t believe it…I mean, I didn’t believe it when Luke admitted that you really _were_ a fellow student and stuff…But this?”

“It’s the truth.”

“I can see it, Rey!” he laughed, “And that’s what makes it all the more absurd! But why, why would you tell me all of this? And _why_ lie to Leia about the promise her son still shows?”

“Because I trust you not to tell anyone, Poe. Not even Finn-“ His smile faltered, but Rey carried on, “I wasn’t going to tell _anyone_ till I myself had hope that perhaps he could be brought home. I still don’t have anything solid, but if there’s one constant in all of this, it’s that I won’t let it jeopardise your belief in me. The troops, I suppose I can handle. Luke and Leia…I don’t want to get their hopes too high. But you? You’re one of the few people I feel comfortable with in all situations. I won’t let you have even an inkling of doubt in your mind where I’m concerned.”

“And Finn?”

“If Finn starts to doubt me, he’ll be placated, too. But that’s my decision to make, Poe.”

Poe nodded, understanding clear on his face.

Rey should probably have felt nervous at his new privy to her tenuous relations with Ben, but she wasn’t.

“You can rely on me, Rey. I won’t speak out of line.”

“Thank you, Poe.”

He gave her one last heartening embrace, and an exuberant smile before he left.

Rey knew she had made the right choice.

_Perhaps._

_You’re back!_ Rey should not have been that happy.

 _I never really left. Just, was silent._ There was a gentle smile in his voice.

 _Oh._ Oh, the implications, Rey sighed to herself in vague nervousness as she shut her door behind her.

_Don’t worry, I was preoccupied. Unfortunately, there are more pressing things to attend to than digging through your thoughts at every opportunity._

_And you would find that an appealing prospect then?_

Were they _teasing_ each other?

Ben chuckled over the tether. He sounded tired.

_Are you doing alright, Ben?_

He was quiet.

 _Ben?_ Rey frowned to herself, feeling his presence but not his response. He was hovering there, unnerved.

_I’m sorry, Rey. It’s…unusual to be called that again._

_You don’t like it._ It wasn’t a question. Rey fell onto her bed, and let her eyelids flutter closed. Oddly enough, it heightened her senses to the point where she could almost feel his presence in the room.

He paused. _I… It’s not that I don’t like it. It’s just strange… It’s been so long._

 _You don’t like it._ She could feel him, she was sure of it. Or perhaps that was just the memory of his body against hers in the snow, or her hands on his skin in the fighter. She should probably banish those thoughts from her mind while he was still there, not quite trusting her own block at this moment.

Ben wavered for a moment before answering softly, _I do like it, Rey. As I’ve said, it’s just been a very long time…I’ve become someone else in the meantime._

 _I think my continued existence contradicts that statement, Ben,_ Rey interjected harshly, much more emphatically than she intended.

_Rey-_

_And I do believe I asked you whether you were okay._

He felt like he wanted to quarrel further, then relented with a tangible sigh, _I’m well, Rey. Thanks to you._  Ben’s words were swollen with suppressed fervour.

Rey couldn’t help that her heartbeat reacted to it. She couldn’t help that she remembered the sensation of his lips on hers.

_And I take it you’re at your new ‘home’ for the foreseeable future?_

_Not quite. I am to meet with General Hux tomorrow, from there I suppose I’ll find out._ He was resigned.

_It must be awful._

_It’s normal._

_Still._

She could feel his despondency, and Rey wasn’t imagining it, she could clearly feel him in the room. Not as anything corporeal, but so definitely _there._

_Rey, are you alright? You seem…Um-_

_I can feel you._

That threw him, and Rey grappled to make him understand, lest he misinterpret that. Force knows she had enough to deal with.

_I mean, I can sense you. It’s as if you’re here, nearby._

His astonishment was clear, and his thoughts stuttered disjointedly through hers.

 _I-I thought that was- Oh…_ He was flustered, and it set Rey on edge.

_What?_

_I thought it was just me,_ he answered quietly, with the slightest air of relief threading through the wonder.

Rey was bemused, _You…You’ve sensed me like this?_

 _Sometimes. Not very often but, yes, I have. I thought it was just my own imaginings, or perhaps a form of wilful projection._ Ben was almost timid in his confession, his voice barely above a whisper.

 _‘Wilful projection’?_ Rey murmured back, nervous knots twisting in her stomach, and a tremor of uncertainty in her words.

He did not respond.

_As in, you wanted me near?_

It took him a while to reply, and when he did, that reticence had only increased tenfold _. I may have._

Rey opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling. The shapes were fuzzed in the low light, as well as a result of her exhausted vision.

Ben could feel it.

_Sleep, Rey._

_And if I want to stay like this?_ She asked, her own voice now demure with nerves.

 _What, talking to me?_ He tried to be blasé, this was obvious to Rey, but his honest, elated awe was something he could not mask.

 _Yes._ Admitting that was not as hard as Rey thought it would be.

Ben stumbled over his words before he found traction, his words laden with reflexive formality. _It would inhibit your ability to perform for your cause. Sleep_. Then, after a long, heavy pause, his words rose again in her mind. Ben’s tone was impossibly gentle. _I’ll be right here with you._

Rey found it hard to formulate any answer, overcome with exhaustion from the past hours’ experience, and unimaginable peace that came with his very palpable presence.

Rey fell asleep with ease, strangely trusting of the man in her mind.

***

Ben. She was so adamantly calling him _Ben._

In all truth, he had not even thought of himself as Ben for just as long, if not longer, than since he had last responded to it before his father’s call.

Whenever he looked at himself in the mirror, the only reminder of _Ben_ were his eyes. They had always been so conflicted, so _weak_ to him. Over the years, his expression had hardened and his features had matured along with his years. He had _grown_ into the name that was Kylo Ren. Except for his eyes.

Now, as he stood in his chambers, hands gripping the refresher sink, and staring at his face in the mirror, he didn’t recognise the man he had forced himself to grow into.

The only person he saw was Ben Solo.

If anything, the richly-coloured scar _she_ had given him only amplified that fact.

Rey.

It was because of Rey that he could not find Kylo in his reflection this night, and most likely for a while before.

He turned from the glassy surface and walked to his own bed, sitting down heavily and letting his face fall into his hands.

Rey was going to ruin him, if she hadn’t already.

It made him ache with longing, how she interacted with her friends- one of which was once his too, a lifetime ago- and the remnants of his family, on a planet he only dreamed of these days.

Yearning.

He craved for it again, but he knew it was in vain. He would never go back. He _could_ never go back.

It was hers to enjoy, for now. He knew he would do everything in his power to keep her safe from Snoke’s cruel clutches.

 _He_ would teach her, not Snoke.

 _He_ would guide her, not _Snoke._

Because if Snoke had to do so, he would surely bend and break her beyond all recognition.

The thought made his heart clench in painful fear.

No, he would save her, he had to. He could not lose her again, and as it stood, Snoke would easily be able to crush the Resistance.

Hux was biting the proverbial bit in anticipation for action, but Snoke was biding his time, waiting for the _ideal_ moment. For what exactly, Ben did not know.

Ben.

He sighed heavily, unable to stop the influx of memories at the familiarity of the name.

Chewbacca, Poe, Luke.

Father. Mother.

The remembrance shook him to his core with how fiercely they made him _ache_ for their comforting embrace again. The Light.

Yet, there was no need for destruction to calm him. His mind was still pressed up against _hers,_ and she was peaceful in sleep.

The sensation made him smile. Yet another action he had not done in a long time, till Rey came back into his life.

Thoughtlessly, he ran his fingertips over the scar.

He could still feel her unerringly gently caress on his face, and on his mouth. Her touch still lingers on his skin where there had briefly been mangled flesh. Her lips…

She was something intoxicating, and her trace had already begun its work.

He could not recognise himself as the man he had worked so hard to be. Instead all he found was Ben Solo, with all the dreadful and unforgivable sins he’d committed in the name he had given himself, and he was terrified.


	37. Directive

**_Chapter 37: Directive_ **

Rey awoke to repeating thuds with her mind fuzzy and her body heavy. One bleary glance around the room showed her that light was filtering in. Rey guessed she had slept for about four or five hours. Four or five glorious, dream-free hours. There was a subdued, almost humming, presence in her mind, and Rey found that Ben was still there. He had not left, although…Rey huffed a tiny laugh when she realised why his consciousness was so unresponsive. He had fallen asleep too.

She let her head fall back onto her pillow, her eyes closed again, and smiled just for herself.

Then the banging started up again, and she realised that it was coming from her door.

Sighing, Rey hauled herself out of bed and made her groggy way towards the offending noise.

At least Ben was still sleeping, and didn’t have to deal with _this_ kind of wake-up. At least, not yet.

She hit the unlock pad to be greeted by a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Finn, arm slung casually around the waist of an equally as upbeat Poe. Both of them had their free hands raised in readiness for another bout of knocking.

“Finn, Poe,” Rey croaked, sleep still thick in her voice as she scoped the two of them out, not missing their mutual blushes as her gaze ran over their embrace, “I highly doubt you got any sleep last night, so I’m just gonna ask what the hell you’re doing waking me up this early?”

Finn chuckled, then whispered loudly to Poe, “I don’t think she’s a morning person.”

“Oh I’m a brilliant morning person, just not when I’m woken up at the crack of dawn.”

“More like crack of noon, sweets,” Poe laughed, “You went to bed at dawn.”

Rey rubbed the heels of her hands over her eyes, “Frack, right.” She sighed. “So what’s the great big emergency that warrants my immediate attention?”

“Luke and Leia want to see you-“ Finn said.

Rey was instantly awake, as if cold water had been dumped on her head.

“-Fate of the Galaxy and whatnot,” he drawled, not noticing her sudden lucidity.

“Give me ten minutes.”

Rey did not wait for a response, and shut the door in their stunned faces.

As quick as only a guilty person could be, Rey washed up and got changed into a set of new dark navy robes that she found in her closet.

It was a set similar to the ones she had worn on Hoth, only, the high-necked cuirass had a more traditional draped hemline ending just above her knees. Rey had to admit, the warmer style was far more suited to these non-desert planets and space travel than her old clothes had been. Not to mention far more comfortable.

Itching for a change, she decided to tie her long hair into a braid, and clasped it into a folded bun on the back of her head.

Finn and Poe were still standing outside of her door when she burst out, hastily clipping her saber onto her belt.

They appraised her with wide eyes as she closed the door and keyed in the lock.

“…What?”

While Finn nodded appreciatively, Poe let out a long, low whistle.

Thank the Force Ben was still asleep, calm in her mind.

She could use his tranquillity to keep her own nerves in check.

When the two men in front of her exaggeratedly checked her out from head to toe, Rey rolled her eyes and headed in the direction of Leia’s official chamber. Finn and Poe followed closely, still muttering about her latest look with overacted glee and fascination.

Friendly fire was frowned upon, though, so Rey kept her lightsaber on her belt regardless of how many times her fingers caressed the buttons whenever the overgrown children behind her squeaked.

There was laughter in her mind. Ben was awake.

 _There is no emotion, there is peace, right?_ He chuckled.

_Shut up._

_I’m sure Luke would be proud._

She sighed heavily at his tone. Not even a few moments awake and goading her.

 _You slept well, I take it?_ She asked. At least this distracted her from the two boys on her heels.

 _Quite._ His voice was light, less burdened than she’d ever heard it. It instantly lifted her spirits. _I had a dreamless night, which is rare for me._

_Likewise._

_I’m glad, Rey._ He certainly sounded it.

The elation she felt at his own cheerfulness, however, was short when she rounded the last corner to see Luke and Leia muttering irately between each other.

Rey paused when they saw her and ceased their conversation, instead turning to face her with halfway grim looks on their faces.

 _Rey?_ He asked at her hesitation.

 _Oh, uh, your mother and uncle called me to what looks like will be a particularly gruelling meeting._ Slowly, she started walking towards them again.

Rey wondered what they’d say if they knew who she was talking to right then?

 _Hmm,_ he murmured, _I’d better go then._

_W-Why?_

_Well I’m…_ He was startled at her outburst, as was she. Ben faltered for a second before regaining his thoughts, _Rey, I- I’m happy you want me to stay, but…I don’t think it will be in your best interests. I am, after all, the enemy._ If anything, he sounded more humbled than anything else.

Nevertheless, Rey was baffled by his apparent chivalry and consideration. _And why would you care?_

 _Because you deserve your peace of conscience when you lie of other things,_ he said gently with a hint of remorse underlying his tone _, I will take my leave._

 _Thank you, Ben._ She didn’t really want him to go.

 _It’s my pleasure._ He sounded as if he didn’t want to either.

Whatever it may have been, he was gone then. And not just silent, the bond was cold.

Rey shivered at the sensation, slightly unsettled by the hollowness it left. She hadn’t realised he had been _there_ for so long…’Just silent’, as he had said, his attention turned elsewhere.

“Rey,” Leia stepped aside and beckoned to her audience room, “Please, go in and take a seat.”

Rey did as she was told, and Luke followed behind her, sitting on the lounger opposite her when she did. Leia shooed Finn and Poe away before closing the door and joining them.

She sat on a third chair, and regarded Rey with a conflicted expression.

“The holocrons that you recovered…” she started sternly, “They’re very distressing. As you’ve said, it was a training ground. One of many, but not only for my son, but for the ‘Elite’ themselves-“

It seemed that Leia was going to outline the contents of the data. Thank the Force, Rey thought, because she knew nothing of what was in them. Only what Ben told her.

“-And apparently, the Elite function as Snoke’s contingency for when the Stormtrooper garrison starts falling short, or is otherwise met with a threat too large…”

“As in me,” Rey finished when Leia trailed off.

“Quite,” she pursed her lips, “Now, however, comes the more…disturbing side of the story. You, you went to Dromund and wiped out the entire temple? Correct?”

Oh no.

Rey wasn’t looking at Luke, but she could feel the wary glare he was throwing her.

“Yes.”

Luke’s sharp inhale was enough to tell her where this was going.

Leia, on the other hand, looked cautiously optimistic, which was disconcerting.

“Good,” Leia said, and Luke made an indignant noise in the back of his throat but did not speak further. It appears that whatever they were arguing about was at hand once more, “Because, according to these holocrons, these Elite are being trained by beings the likes of which my men have never encountered, such as the Zabrak Force User. A Nightbrother, of all things!” Leia took a deep breath before continuing, “The point is that these advanced armies are all rearing and ready to join the war at Snoke’s whim, and you’re the only person here equipped to deal with them, and-“

“You mean,” Rey interrupted her calmly, now understanding Luke’s ire, “that since I’ve already cleaned out one temple on the outskirts of space, that I’ll be able to similarly annihilate all the others, is that it?”

Leia nodded reluctantly, her expression twisting to aversion, and her gaze flicking down to her hands. She was fiddling with some kind of silver pin. An epaulette of sorts.

“That is it, I’m afraid. The fact stands that I only have two Jedi here, and one is necessary for the main army, the other I have to spare to quell this rising threat before it discourages my troops. Rey, I wish I could have you stay. I want you to take the role of a Captain, in fact, I’m granting you that rank-“

 _What_ in the name of- But- _Captain?_ Certainly, Rey had brushed it off as slip of the tongue on her troop’s behalf on Hoth...

Was Leia being serious? A Captain?

 _“-_ But I need you to help me where you’re most effective. In this case, I need you to start snuffing out these training grounds.”

Leia _was_ being serious, and while the rank was an odd thing for Rey to accept, there was something else a little more believable occurring to her. With the vigour Leia was using to sell this idea to Rey, she knew there was more on the General’s agenda. Most likely, it was her son. Most likely, Leia hoped Rey would encounter her son. Most likely, Leia hoped that, with the training grounds gone it would by some whimsical miracle discourage his path.

A vaguely sardonic smile lilted Rey’s lips, “For the Resistance’s sake, and Ben’s, right?”

Leia flinched, “…Right.”

At least she was admitting it.

Was Rey angry that Leia expected this of her?

In all truth, not in the slightest. At least, if she was out there alone running the stealth-based missions that Sentinels often did in the old records, there would be no danger of her losing troops. That was one less stress to Rey, and that was fine with her.

But she was still going to be a Captain. She would have to deal with that responsibility at some point. At least it wouldn’t have to be immediately…

If only the prospect of this undertaking wasn’t tantamount to suicide.

It was crazy. Rey would be out there, in the _Sparrow,_ utterly alone, and hunting down trained killers. Not just that, trained _Force User killers._ They had been trained to match up to _Ben,_ and he was not exactly a pushover. Rey was not ignorant. She knew that Ben was plenty stronger than he let on. In their physical fights to date, while they crossed blades he never used the Force against her. He could, but he didn’t.

Oh, she knew he held back, and perhaps Hoth had given a window to why but…

No, no time for that now.

Then again, Rey wouldn’t exactly be _alone._

The more she thought about it, it was perfect.

A challenge, an outlet, and an opportunity all rolled into a sanctioned mission.

Rey was brought back to the room when Luke cleared his throat.

Both were watching her intently, Leia with hope and Luke with dissuasion. Leia was spinning the pin faster between her fingers. Rey knew she’d have to cross this line somewhere. Luke and Leia would never see eye to eye during times such as these. Leia would do what needed to be done, while Luke was slightly more sentimental.

Either way, Rey knew she was never going to be in _everyone’s_ good graces…It all came down to what Maz said…Walk that line…And Rey was perfectly fine with doing whatever she needed to, to save as many as she could.

“I’ll do it.”

Rey supposed the look on Luke’s face should have been discouraging, or should have made her feel some kind of remorse. He didn’t say a word. He only looked at her with bitter disappointment. Leia’s gaze flicked between the two of them, and then the floor as Luke got up and walked away. Neither Leia nor Rey looked at him as he opened the door and left, letting it slide closed behind him.

Rey felt a pang then, as the door clicked closed. How far had she come? How far…

“Thank you, Rey. I-”

“What’s the first target, General?” Rey asked, flicking her eyes to Leia’s face with a schooled expression.

What could be described as something akin to apprehension flashed over Leia’s face for a second before she leaned over, and affixed the pin she had been twirling to Rey’s shoulder strap. It bore a Captain’s insignia.

“Geonosis, Captain. I’ll have the precise co-ordinates of the temple uploaded to your navigational chart.”

Rey nodded, and got up to leave, slightly ill to her gut at the finality of her decision. Now, she just had to deal with it. This was, after all, war.

Leia started to speak again when Rey was halfway to the door. “Rey, thank you. Truly, I-“

“I’m not doing it for you, Leia,” Rey did not so much as turn when she hit the access pad, and faced the empty hallway, “I’m doing it for me, because if I don’t, then what do I have left?”

For Leia’s son, for the people Rey knew, and for the friends she hadn’t met yet.

For her.

Rey did not wait for a response, and doggedly made her way to the _Sparrow,_ locking the ramp when she had boarded. Rey was not in the mood to be bothered.

As she stared out of the viewport into the mistiness of D’Qar’s cold season, she spied the leather satchel lying on the co-pilot’s seat.

The same leather satchel that held Luke’s lightsaber and the other parts she had gathered from Ben’s room.

Ben…

The bond was still cold in her mind. The question was, why did she want him there so badly? Just months before she had screamed at him to get out and-

Months. _Months._

It felt like years. Though she supposed that’s what it would seem like, when lately the sensation on the forefront of your mind was your would-be enemy’s arms around you.

With a sigh, she flipped open the bag in irritation, and fell into the pilot’s seat, staring at the gaping leather.

The shiny silver of the history-wrought hilt gleamed at her, but it was the faint reddish glow from below that caught her attention. Rey reached her hand in, and her fingers met something smooth, but warm.

Oh, the kyber crystal shard.

Again, Rey felt the faint vibration from the crystal in her hand. But now it was comforting, familiar. It surged with a power she had tasted, and an energy she knew. Ben.

She didn’t quite know why she did it…

Why she took the crimson crystal in the first place, why she pulled a piece of wire from the satchel, why she twisted it around the gem, and then strung it on a thin leather strip. Only the Force itself would know she pulled the make-shift necklace around her neck and tucked the crystal between her undershirt and tunic.

Rey didn’t know.

Perhaps it was impulse, as Ben had taught her all those many weeks ago. Perhaps it was sentiment.

Luke’s old saber glinted at her again from inside the satchel. Just as she reached for it, a message appeared on the overhead.

Leia had uploaded the co-ordinates, and given her the all clear.

Finn, Poe, Myri, and Chewbacca wished her good luck, and hoped they’d be back from their respective errands in time to see her off, if she was still there at all later in the evening.

Rey flicked the overhead clear in a fit of guilt. She had taken this mission, sure, but at what cost? How often would she get to see her friends?

One could only chant ‘for the greater good’ to yourself so many times, after all.

Absentmindedly, she reached for the hilt and turned it over in her hands.

The memory of Finn on the ground and at the mercy of those Elite reassured her that she was doing the right thing.

The feeling she got when she saw _her troops_ surrounded by the unerring monsters gave her purpose.

The recollection of the other scars that had littered Ben’s chest when she had healed him, so easily missed then as she was panicked…

No, she had made the right choice.

And the weight of the hilt in her hands reminded her of the other mission she still had to fulfil.

Bringing _him_ home.

It was a good thing she would be travelling alone. Fewer lies to tell, fewer people to hide from.

The weight in her hands grew heavier, and Rey tossed the saber back into the satchel with a cry as a spike, a flash, shot through her mind as it had on Takodana.

No. Oh _please_ no, Rey thought, scrambling up from the seat, and away from the bag.

No, she had _just_ had such a peaceful night…

But then why was she so tired now?

Rey took a shaky breath when she reached the main hold, rubbing her hands over her face and not letting them fall.

 _Ben?_ She called.

He didn’t respond.

_Ben, can you hear me?_

Rey was talking to a wall. He wasn’t there.

Slowly, she took another, steadier breath and propped her hands on the small table in the centre of the hold.

Her friends wanted to say goodbye. She had three or so hours till sundown. Most likely about five or six till they would come to the hangar.

Perhaps Rey could catch a last few moments of restful sleep.

As she walked to her bunk, she knew it was probably a bad idea. Rey knew it was a bit of a brazen wish.

The minute her eyes closed, and the exhaustion made it impossible to open them again, Rey knew it was too late to change now.

Rey also _knew_ that she should probably have never touched that lightsaber.

Then again, who was she to argue with the Force, right?

Who was she to argue, when the currents of the Force took her once again on their hellish ride? It was a ride of clear water and white dunes. Tears and blood. A boy, no, a man bleeding out in the sand, and calling to her for help she could not give, though she tried. It was a dream of smiles through pained lips, and shouted words that made far more sense now that she knew the truth.

It was a dream that left her hurting as the history behind it twisted her very soul, and a furious urgency that overtook her with regards to the raven-haired boy.

She no longer shouted ‘Liar’ to the voice that said he would come back.

It was a dream she had experienced countless times before, and just like every time, she bolted upright in her bunk, gasping desperately for air that would not fill her lungs. Unlike most other times, though, Rey fell off her bunk and to the floor, coughing as she forced herself to breathe properly, for this time there was no one there to help her.

This time, she called out to the only man who she _knew_ would understand, the one man who should never have been an option for comfort or anything akin to it.

_Ben! Ben, please, I-_

Her thoughts were cut off when she felt him, relief unblocking her system like nothing before.

A new fire burned through her, and she toyed with a potentially dangerous idea…

Geonosis…A temple…A training facility.

A common ground.

A place to collide.

At the very least, it was a chance.


	38. Pursue

**_Chapter 38: Pursue_ **

He was a fool.

Ben was walking through the halls of Korriban to his meeting with Hux, and his lips were lilted of their own accord into the hint of a traitorous smile.

He was an absolute fool.

How could he have let her consume him like that? He had just…Stayed with her. It was not like he didn’t have other things that required his attention, but no. He had stayed with her and pretty soon her own content slumber had sucked him in with it. It had been so inviting, so _peaceful._ It’s not as if he’d been able to refuse her in the past, when they were younger. He had been putty in her tiny hands.

True to that long-ago form, Ben had been unable to resist her infectious felicity when he awoke to it. He supposed it helped that the sleep he achieved thanks to her had been one devoid of damning nightmares, whether born of the Force or his own misdeeds. Nor had Ben been able to resist teasing her so when he noticed her disgruntled mood as a result of her friend’s antics. How could he ignore such an appealing pull when his own heart and mind had been so considerably lightened by their linked slumber?

Ben supposed the notion should have terrified him, that they fed off each other so. Instead, it warmed him.

He was a selfish creature after all. This he could not contest, and there was no evidence to the contrary to his mind.

Selfish. Selfish enough to insert himself into a situation where he should not have intruded, if only to bask in her cheerfulness for a moment, while he too rode out the aftermath of unusual contentment.

Rey had certainly startled him with the readiness she had of welcoming him back into her mind, as if she actually wanted him there. This, he was sure, was simply another selfish delusion on his part. Rey had always been kind to him.

None of this, however, did anything to lessen the involuntary swell of pleasure in his chest at the remembrance of her tone, her happiness.

It sickened him that Snoke could destroy it all, and twist her into something else, something foreign and different. He could not allow it, but Ben would have to be careful with his approach. It was not as if he could simply drag her in. Snoke would not allow unwillingness in his subordinates. If there was even a hint of defiance in Rey, Snoke would _force_ it out of her. If he could not succeed in doing so, Snoke would kill her.

No, Ben would have to make her see reason. He would have to persuade her, somehow. It was the only way. He knew the only acceptable alternative would be for her to fall in battle, far away from Snoke’s drawn out methods. Although…Ben knew he would not be able to…

Ben would convince her, of course he would. It would just take some time. Hopefully he had enough.

Whatever happiness had been in his heart vanished then, when he walked into the audience chamber and saw General Hux again. Hux was flanked by two Knights of Ren, and Phasma stood off to the side. The Dathomirian witch with the painted face, and Banor. Ben could feel his blood boiling at the sight of his Second and Third.

Scenes flashed unbidden through Ben’s mind of the temple siege.

Banor kicked and struck Rey out in the courtyard while Jayal, the witch, laughed. They had continued to jest and jeer even when Rey struck back, and crawled away. Ben had been too far away to help then, he could only watch her struggle away. The two Knights had let her go, the sight of such a desperate but doomed child amusing to them.

That memory was one that had often plagued his nightmares.

Ben would see their blood spilt yet.

It didn’t help that the witch honestly scared him, with her hungry, predatory eyes and ever-present grin, even without the aid of the facial tattooing. He teeth were always bared, and her gaze always probing and wild.

“Ah, Kylo. You join us at last.”

Kylo, right. Kylo Ren.

He inclined his head to Hux’s condescending stare, and let his own travel steadily over the four of them. Admittedly, he was thrown that Phasma was holding her helmet for once as a pose to being completely covered in the gleaming metal. Her unusually soft, but stoic features reminded him why he always used to wear a helmet. She looked nothing like what Ben assumed she did, but that would not let him underestimate her. He knew what she was capable of…

And perhaps that’s why he had abandoned the use of a helmet as well. The entire First Order knew full well what he could do, regardless of whether the scar marred his face or not.

Although, perhaps a mask would have been useful now. There was no hiding the hate in his eyes for the Knights before him.

Hux, Ben could handle. Phasma was simply delightful in comparison to the other three. The Knights, however…

“I see he’s lost his tongue as well as his mask,” Jayal hissed in her usual affected glee, “Not a loss, I’d say. I have missed his face so, but I like my men silent.”

Ben rolled his eyes, not letting his nerves show, “I’m sorry to disappoint, Jayal. Thankfully, I don’t quite fit into the category of ‘your men’.”

Jayal wanted a reaction, she always did. She wanted to dig her claws in and twist him into something she could have her sick fun playing with then throw away as one more notch on her vibroaxe.

She fixed him with that eternally starving stare she had perfected, “Not _yet.”_

It took effort to not turn and leave, or else find anchor in Rey. He had closed the bond for the privacy she needed, and he would not disturb her, no matter how unnerved this depraved creature made him. Apathy, remain apathetic, he chanted to himself.

Banor was not the only one who would think nothing of assaulting him in his sleep, and it made his skin crawl to think he had been blissfully unaware of Jayal’s presence in the temple, with at rest and dead to the world with Rey.

Evidently, that would be the last time he closed his eyes for a very, _very_ long time.

“Easy, Jayal,” Banor laughed, “You’ll have your fun eventually, I’m sure. For now, let Hux have his turn.”

Ben raised a brow testily at Banor, “So gracious today? What of your ‘turn’?”

Banor’s grin turned vicious, “Mine comes last, Solo. When I’m done, there won’t be much left of you for their purposes.”

Phasma looked unnerved, which Ben was sure was a first for her, but what shocked him the most was the ill countenance Hux sported.

“And, General?” Ben asked in a surprisingly steady voice, “What do you have in store for me? I believe we have carnal harassment and brutal murder on the list, so what of you?”

Jayal and Banor huffed airy chuckles off to the side.

Hux shook his head slightly, and seemed to force an impassive expression onto his face, “A private audience, for one, to discuss matters too sensitive or else complicated for base creatures such as your Knights.”

Ben had never truly appreciated the otherwise prickly General till then. If anything, they were well aware of their mutual abhorrence. At least this was one thing they could find solidarity in.

“I agree, General.”

He didn’t need to watch them leave to know Jayal cast him an infuriated glare due to his indifference, while Banor walked out with his usual cockiness, convinced further of Ben Solo’s weakness.

Ben knew they had left when Phasma’s slightly creased brow relaxed.

“I hate them,” she grumbled.

“Me too,” Hux sighed, fixing his eyes on Ben once more, “Now at least I can see why you’re such an insufferable murglak most of the time.”

“That makes one of us, General-” It amused him how Hux’s eyes narrowed in annoyance. Additionally, he was astonished to see Phasma trying particularly hard to suppress a small smile. “-However, it does make you far more tolerable to me, faced with them as the alternative option for company.”

“I’m flattered, Ren,” he drawled, “Now to the matter at hand. While you were returning from your trip to Neimoidia, we lost contact with our outpost on Dromund Kaas. Those men were meant to be the backup for Hoth, so it forced us to use combined teams drawn from others which, you can imagine, was a nightmare-“

“And yet Hoth still lies in ruin.”

“-Quite,” Hux looked utterly chuffed with himself, “Nevertheless, we sent men to Dromund in order to ascertain what happened. Perhaps repair damaged communication or whatever the issue was. Unfortunately, one can’t repair death-“

He said it as if it were a mild inconvenience, despite the carnage Ben had no doubt Rey had left behind.

“-Upon further inspection of the blessed few monitoring stations that survived, we discovered that your little pet project was responsible.”

Ben maintained an expression of mild interest, as if he had not known of this at all, despite Hux’s baiting sneer.

“She cleaned out the entire temple. Not a single soul bar hers left.”

Now that was a genuine surprise to Ben, but he did not let it show. Every last one? He didn’t know whether to be scared or pleased. It was a thorough mixture of both.

“Fascinating,” Ben smiled with intentional scathe, “That my ‘pet project’ proves to be as ruthless, if not more so, than I…and yet you mock her as if she is but a nuisance.”

That made Hux’s smirk fade rapidly, satisfying Ben.

“You think her to be stronger than you?”

Ben shrugged, eager to make Hux squirm, “All that I am saying, General, is that I have never had to fight against a horde as large and effective as the one in Dromund all at once, yet she handled it with ease.”

A slight lie, but worth it to see a flicker of fear in the arrogant General’s eyes.

Ben tried not to think of how panicked he had been all the while Rey had fought.

Then Hux’s face steeled and the disdainful smugness returned, “Well then I would hope, for your sake, that you are wrong. You see, she took holocrons that outlined several other Elite outposts of ours, and it is not too far of a stretch to think the Resistance will treat her as we treat you. An easy, quick fix-“ Hux’s drawl turned sarcastic, “Our own little Force User, conveniently there to strong-arm the opposition.”

Ben swallowed hard at that. Surely his mother would not be as rash as to…She would get torn to shreds. There were _Yuuzhan Vong_ at some of those stations. Panic bubbled in his throat.

His mother would _not_ be that desperate, would she?

“So,” Hux continued, his own pleasure showing at having struck Ben speechless, “your orders are to hunt that little wretch down. Do with her whatever you will thereafter, but make sure she does not thin our new soldiers further. Poor Phasma is having a hard time as it is with the state our Stormtroopers were left in after seeing a Jedi in the opposition. Control your pet, Ren, or kill her like the dog of the Resistance she otherwise continues to prove she is. Additionally, Skywalker is going to prove a particular kind of annoyance. We need to remove him, but he’s making no move to leave D’Qar. Snoke has decided that you are to ignore him for the time being, as the girl seems a much likelier target to be mobilised.”

Ben clenched his jaw, trying desperately to keep his fists at his sides.

Phasma frowned slightly at Hux, throwing him a somewhat irate look from the corner of her eyes.

“She is not my pet, General,” Ben retorted through his teeth with dangerous effusion, “You would do well to remember that when she joins our ranks. I can control myself because I have the grace of experience with your insubordinate tenacity, _she_ on the other hand may not be so benevolent. And I won’t stop her if she decides to use you as a pincushion for her saber.”

“’If’ she joins our ranks.”

“When.”

She had to.

“He has a point, General Hux,” Phasma spoke up, “I’d watch your tongue if I were you, sir. Don’t underestimate a girl who has everything to gain, and not much to lose, whichever side she chooses. She will prove a dangerous foe yet, I’m sure. An invaluable ally, perhaps. After all, she did kill a Nightbrother, and ran into battle on Hoth quickly thereafter with little problem.”

Ben raised his brows at Phasma’s almost appreciative tone, as if she were complimenting a beautiful sunset.

Hux spared a single withering glance at Phasma before rounding on Ben again, “Just force her into a clear role soon. I won’t lose more men to that girl.”

Ben nodded once, and Hux turned on his heel to stalk out the doors that lead to the hangar, Phasma in tow. It seemed he wouldn’t be on the _Finalizer_ after all, which left him here…With his worst nightmares.

Ben shuddered violently then, falling to his knees with a subdued gasp, but it was not due to any physical affliction. The bond block in his mind came falling down on reflex as Rey’s mind crashed against it in pure frantic distress. Ben had to brace himself on the floor, on his hands and knees as he struggled to ease off the pain from the blow.

She was raw, and Ben recognised the energy in her consciousness immediately, his heart sinking. She had suffered another Force terror, and he was bearing witness to some of the scenes as she fought to reign it in. It did not fail to leave him bewildered when he realised she reached for _him_ above everyone else.

Rey was screaming wordlessly for him, and he jumped to comfort her through the bond.

_Ben! Ben, please, I-_

He pulled her into him, gripping her consciousness tight with his own.

_Rey, I’m here, Rey. I’m here. I’m here._

It killed him that he couldn’t hold her in his hands, and soothe her tremors as he had many, many years ago. He needed her by his side, where he could at least do everything in his power to help her.

Rey’s mind was erratic against his, sending bursts of fear, anger, determination, and more fear careening across his thoughts as she sought solace in him.

 _Geonosis._ She eventually spat out, urgency apparent in her tone.

 _Rey?_ Her bite actually struck a measure of alarm into him. He had not heard her use this tone before. If Ben did not know better, he would think her unhinged.

 _Geonosis, Ben._ Now there was a steely grit in her tone, though it was undermined by threads of uncertainty and dread. _I’m leaving within the next hour. Meet me on Geonosis._

_But, Rey-_

Geonosis. There was a training facility on Geonosis, he had been there before. Frigid fingers gripped his heart.

- _Why, Rey?_

 _Just meet me on Geonosis. Please._ Her voice cracked, and then she was gone.

Ben brushed against the tether again, and again, but was aghast to find she had promptly blocked him out. What in the world…?

It didn’t matter, his feet were already carrying him to his larger ship, a modified _Redthorn-_ class scout ship. Ben had everything he needed on him, the rest of the amenities were on his ship, not like they mattered.

He was single minded as he set off, afforded slight impunity and his own discretion with this new mission. He only hoped he got there soon enough.

***

Rey honestly had no idea what she was doing when she told Ben to meet her on Geonosis. All she knew was that she _needed to._ She needed him there, and she supposed she’d work out _why_ when she saw him again.

Her friends had been relieved to find her still in the hanger, even the droids were happy to have the chance to say goodbye.

Rey knew she must have unsettled them somewhat, with the intensity of her hugs, and the flightiness of her distraction, but they wished her well all the same and insisted she comm them when it was safe to.

Chewbacca was particularly unwilling to let her go, and she held the Wookiee for a good five minutes before he released her and tried his best not to pet and pat her. He failed miserably, and she had to embrace him one last time when she saw his miserable expression, causing a rather large lump to lodge itself in her throat. Eventually, Maz managed to reassure him that all would be well.

They filed out as they got their say. Luke was not among them.

Once more Rey was left with only the tiny woman around.

Maz regarded her cautiously, taking in what must have been one of the most disturbing looks Rey had ever worn on her face.

“You’ve called to him.”

Rey nodded.

Maz sighed warily, “As much as I applaud your decision, just be careful, Rey. He may be Ben Solo, but he still serves Snoke. In the same breath, don’t do anything you’ll regret. I can feel your turmoil. I’m sure the others could feel it too, even without use of the Force. I suppose you’re beyond level-headedness but…Be careful.”

Rey knelt to hug Maz goodbye, and the woman rubbed her back reassuringly.

“I know you can figure it out, Rey. I know you can. Even though Luke and then some may not share my view, they don’t share my age or experience either. You will work out that mess in your mind, as well as the one in your heart. Let Ben help.”

Maz let go then, and left Rey to walk back into her ship alone.

Let Ben help…

Rey entered hyperspace seamlessly, the actions having long since become second nature.

Let Ben help with _what?_ He was the cause of all of this…How could he possibly make it less?

Would the fluttering in her gut ever _stop?_

And what if she couldn’t persuade him? What if she would just become deeper entrenched in the lies? What would she do if they had to be true enemies on the battlefield?

Rey was scared. Rey was scared she would be forced to kill the man she was determined to save. She needed to see him, she needed to…

She forced herself to take a deep breath, and focused on clearing her mind, and one-by-one she quells the thoughts in her mind, putting them to rest so she could think.

For hours she sat there, her eyes closed. The kyber crystal hummed against her chest with Ben’s energy, and slowly her thoughts took discernible shape.

If they had to be enemies, they would have to be enemies, even if Rey did not want it.

If she had to become entangled in a web of falsehood if it provided even the slimmest hope of bringing him home, she would do it. Even if it all came crashing down around her.

A familiar calm settled in her body as she worked her way through the thought, disentangling emotion from fact.

It scared her that she had become so invested in Ben Solo.

She had a job to do, and she would do it. She would bring him home, whenever and however she had to, but she would afford him the benefit of the doubt, and try to convince him without dragging him home. That didn’t mean she wouldn’t if it was the only way.

After all, this war could only end two ways, and Rey was banking on the Resistance’s victory.

Every now and then, she would feel Ben flutter against the block, but she kept him out. She didn’t need the distraction right now, when she needed to get her head straight. Their last few encounters had been nothing short of confusing, and Rey needed more than just knowing she felt compassion for him.

She needed something solid to work towards. A goal.

Wiping out these temples.

Bringing him home.

There was no room for sentimental entanglement in war, she could sort that out later.

No room for entanglement.

The rocky dirtball of Geonosis flooded her viewport as her ship dropped out of hyperspace.

Picking a place to land was simple. In fact, she was spoilt for choice. Rey touched down in an obscured valley not too far from her target, and kept the stealth functions primed.

The landscape was rocky- wildly so- and the colours reminded her of Jakku.

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath, holding it for a little before measuredly exhaling, and stretching her senses with it.

She couldn’t quite quell the disappointment at not feeling Ben’s signature nearby. Perhaps he would not come after all.

Maybe that was for the best, all the better to cast himself in a clear role, rather than somewhere between friend and foe.

Rey opened her eyes and began her trek to the facility, letting her body fill with the pent up energy from earlier, and drawing on it as she had on Dromund.

She needed an outlet, whether Ben was around or not.

No time for sentiment. No time for entanglement.

No matter how her heart ached for otherwise.

Conveniently, she smiled to herself, there was a target not far away filled with people who would want her dead.

Perfect.


	39. Vent

**_Chapter 39: Vent_ **

Rey was somewhat glad to see that the facility was not on alert. A smaller part of her was downright disappointed, having perhaps been eager for a bloodbath to both challenge herself and release her pent up frustrations.

No matter, she thought as she crept down one of the halls, and ducked into the first chamber. There was an Elite working on a terminal. He had not noticed her yet.

No matter at all, she could work with this.

A twist of her wrist, and the man’s neck was crushed. He fell limp in his chair, not a peep having been uttered.

Similarly, she cleaned out several more chambers, slightly dissatisfied that she was not coming across any particularly large forces, or any special soldiers for that matter. No Force Users. After having dispatched two more Elite, Rey was struck with a sensation, a _tremor_ in the Force that was unlike anything else in the facility. It was almost like…an _absence._

As soon as she felt it thought, it disappeared, and Rey was left with her side pressed to the door when it suddenly opened.

Before the Elite could make a sound, she grabbed his head and snapped his neck, falling back into a crouch behind the wall and dragging his body out of the doorway.

She snapped his neck…

Rey’s breath came short.

She had reacted on pure instinct, and the adrenaline still thundered through her veins. She had never killed anyone like that before, with her own two hands. The last time she had done anything close was when she had used her staff to asphyxiate a particularly persistent slaver on Jakku. But never with her own hands…

She tried her best to shake it off, skirting the body and making her way down the hall. It was just something else that she could do, that she would have to deal with. This was war, after all.

One peek through the next archway had Rey ducking back behind the wall very quickly. Now, that was more of a gathering. There was still that stinging presence that wafted on the edges of her senses, though… Rey pushed it out of her mind.

It was not Ben, this she was certain of. This unsettled her more than calmed her.

As silently as she could, Rey snuck into the room, moving behind the columns to stay out of sight. From this new vantage point, she could see that there were far more Elite in the room than she had thought.

Not a problem…Per se…

Delicately, Rey reached her senses out to the nearest Elite, and slowly began tugging on the eddies of his mind.

Slowly…Slowly…

He screamed.

Frack!

That was not what Rey was intending to do. Oh well, she sighed, igniting her saber and stepping out from behind the column, at least she’d get some melee combat in after all.

It didn’t take long to dispatch the ones who had been in the room, but more were milling in, as on Dromund. This did not bother Rey. She flipped her blade back and forth, falling into a steady rhythm that the Elite just could not keep up with. Their bodies fell around her, and this brand of death did not affect her in the slightest. Her form was not as tight as it should have been, though, and she received many burns and cuts from their vicious pikes.

Rey swore at herself every time they landed a hit, for every time she slipped, it was because she let her emotion get the better of her, and allowed the battle to carry her, instead of the other way around. Her poise slowly slipped away as she moved, her mouth curving into a clenched grimace as more Elite fell in progressively more gruesome ways.

But Force did it feel good to just push all of her anger, her hurt, her frustration, and her _passion_ into every single blow. It felt so _fracking good_ to let it come pouring out, and just wreck everything around her, with no one around who would be left to judge her for her outburst.

Rey was gasping for air, and her energy to wield the Force was depleted, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care that her lungs were burning and her heart was beating right out of her chest. She didn’t care that she couldn’t quite tell if it was sweat or blood on her face. The relief that came with this catharsis was well worth pushing herself to the limit, and through it. Rey barely felt it when that absence in the Force lunged straight for her, and landed a heavy strike across her side, sending her sprawling into the wall, and falling to the floor.

Despite her protesting limbs, she recovered almost instantaneously, pushed on by the fire that had threatened to consume her since D’Qar, and was now taking its pound of flesh. She grabbed her hilt and ignited it just in time to catch the next blow thrown by the creature before her.

Yuuzhan Vong.

Rey shouted as she pushed back against the monster’s brutal onslaught. Her strength could not match up, and even a last, desperate burst of Force Push did little to stagger it.

Force immunity.

More Elite poured into the room, and she was being hounded back against the wall. Still, Rey could not find any terror left in her body to give. She smiled at the twisted creature with a bloodied mouth, and raised her shimmering yellow blade between them, fuelling her following chops and slashes with the all the intensity she could muster. It wasn’t hard, considering all that she had held back since Hoth. The Vong lost ground, till a quick feint on their part brought Rey to her knees, her lower thighs stinging as air hit cleaved flesh

She was so far gone, she barely felt the panic of another mind blossom in hers. Her saber had clattered to the floor, and she bared her teeth at the Vong when it raised its pike in the air, to bring it crashing down.

Only, the blow did not come, and red light bathed her face as the creature’s upper body was rendered from its legs, then flung to the side.

A gloved hand appeared in her swimming vision, and she grabbed it without thought, letting the man pull her to her feet, and grabbed her saber in the process.

He hauled her up, and in a split second she ignited her blades again, and allowed the momentum of his heave to help her cleave the oncoming Elite apart.

His arm around her waist, supporting her, brought her mind back to the room, and him.

Ben.

It was Ben, and all the careful dividing of emotion and duty went to nothing as the realisation dawned.

He was walking her to the door while there was a lull in the onslaught.

“You actually came,” she whispered.

“You called,” he spoke directly next to her ear with the way he was holding her, “And I suppose I’m a weak willed man-”

He said something else in return, but she couldn’t hear him over the pounding in her ears. Abruptly, he stiffened beside her, and her own blurry vision cleared to reveal more Elite running in. Ben raised his saber in front of them both, and suddenly, the fog lifted from her senses.

She pushed away from him and whirled to face the other direction, only just fending off an attacking Elite in time.

“Rey-“ His tone was warning, baring the same fear it had when she was on Dromund, and the same persuasive undertone.

No, she would not let him make her leave. She _had_ to finish the mission.

“I have a job to do, Ben!”

There was a beat before he answered, “…I’ve got your back.”

She risked a glance over her shoulder at him, and met his own stormy gaze.

He wore the expression of a man who had nearly lost his life.

Rey nodded once at him, and inhaled sharply as she felt raw energy forced over the bond, flooding her systems. Then the influx of Elite increased.

They fought like a well-oiled machine, kiting enemies and following through with powerful Force attacks.  Ben used his Lightning, and Rey used Crush, made possible by using borrowed energy. His energy.

At some point, the tussle broke them apart, and as Rey cut down the last Elite left standing in the room, the body fell to reveal Ben Solo on the other side, staring at her, with a similar heap of bodies around him.

His robes were gaping in areas with the blows he had sustained, and Rey was certain she looked similar. His eyes were dark, and reflected the vibrant red of his saber. Rey was unable to look away, as her gaze followed his heaving body, moving heavily with every pant for air he took.

Both of them were coiled to strike, uncertain of each other yet so bitterly sure…

That urgent fervour from before tore through her body, and laid her nerves raw.

He was splattered with blood, and it only served to bring memories of her Force terrors to her mind. The dread of seeing him lying dead, bled out in the sand.

The air she gulped was not making it to her lungs. They _burned._

There is no passion, there is serenity.

There is passion, yet peace.

Through passion, I gain strength.

 _Through strength, my chains are broken._ His voice was as shattered as the expression he wore.

She did not bother with the bond.

“Then why don’t I feel _free?_ Why can’t I beat this? _”_ She didn’t know is she was shouting at him, or herself.

Rey spun her saber and dropped into Niman stance.

Ben copied her movements.

“Rey…”

“Stop. Just s _top,”_ she whispered, “You need to come _home._ Please just come back with me so that I can stop feeling this _fear-“_

“I _can’t_ go back.”

She shook her head then, and stalked towards him, continuing with her own thought, _“-_ And it’s all because of you!”

The grim acceptance on his face when he deflected her swipe broke her heart, and only served to incense her further. The prior battle had not emptied her, she needed more.

Without much form, she brought her blade down on him again, and again. He deflected her blows as the uncoordinated dance took them down the corridor. Her saber dug into the stone many times, until they reached an exit, and she kicked him out into the courtyard.

He didn’t lose his footing.

Instead, he just stood there in a defensive pose.

She lunged towards him, locking their blades once more, wanting a reason, a _ny reason, t_ o force him into a role she could understand.

“Fight _back!”_ she yelled at him over the protesting of their sparking blades, _“Fight back!”_

“Rey, please!” He drove her saber into the ground, but she flipped it around and caught him across his side.

She blanched as the hit landed _,_ “Fight back, you’re supposed to fight _back!”_

With every word she said, she threw her lightsaber down on him, punctuating the fine pain that was coursing its way through her body.

Whether it was hers or his, she could not know.

“Rey _, stop!”_

His first attack was easy to block, but it pleased her that she had finally gotten a satisfying rise out of him.

“What is going _on?”_ he asked her with his eyes wide, imploring.

She pushed him back, and he deflected her flurry.

“I need- To find- _Relief_ from this _mess!”_

He caught her in a lock once more.

“What mess, Rey what-“

“You!” she spat, “I have to bring you home, yet everywhere I go I’m faced with the very real possibility of being forced to _kill you!”_

Rey broke the lock, but Ben was the first to attack, and she sent him reeling again with another kick.

“And that would be _fine,_ just _perfect,”_ she rounded on him again, but he parried her strikes, and they ended up circling each other, weapons at the read, “if only I didn’t _want_ to save you every time I saw you!”

He faltered, and she struck again. Ben easily feinted around her, and they faced each other when both had regained their stance.

Their strength was failing rapidly as the adrenaline of the earlier fight wore off.

“I thought it would be fine. I thought I could compartmentalise, and deal with it as it came but I can’t. Because of _you.”_

They clashed, their sabers deflected, then whined as they were held together. Their faces were but breaths apart.

“I can’t function rationally because of-“

“And you think I _can?_ ” he snarled at last, “Do you honestly think-“ he pushed her till her back hit the wall, and she was forced to look into his eyes, “that I can do this and not _dread the outcome?”_

 _S_ he didn’t so much as flinch from him.

“Do you think I don’t have my own orders? To _turn you_ or _kill you?”_

“Then why don’t you just _drag me in?”_ Rey forced him back, swinging high several times as she paced him away from the wall, finding each strike deflected, “Why are you so _infuriatingly_ caring with me?”

“Because,” he forced her saber against a pillar with his own, and grabbed her forearm to pin her there, “If I bring you in now, as defiant as you are-“ He leaned in close ”-Snoke will torture you into wilful submission. And I promise you, I would rather you died a Resistance soldier, with my pleading words the last thing in your ears, than see that day come.”

“Don’t worry, I’d rather that happen than become a First Order puppet too.”

He staggered back with the wilful force at which she yanked her arm free.

Soon enough, they were in another lock, this one far more unsteady that the ones before.

Both of them were shaking violently.

“I promise you I’ll persuade you yet, Rey,” his voice was hoarse, and raw, “I won’t see you die.”

Something in her shattered at the way his voice mirrored her own agonised yells in her dream whenever the sands took him. That fine barrier tenuously holding her together thus far splintered within her as she broke the block and brought him to his knees with a strike across his chest that was never meant to land. His saber rolled away, and he did not move to get up. Rey stumbled towards him, her knees bumped his chest once before his hands found her hips and she collapsed against him.

Rey’s arms found their way around his shoulders, and his own encircled her body, clutching her to him. Rey buried her face into his neck, and heaved dry sobs against his skin as the last of the energy that was shared between them both petered out. Ben pulled her as close as he could, sitting back to half-cradle her in his lap, his head pressed against hers.

She gripped his torn robes tightly in her fingers, revelling in the feeling of his body against hers, and his arms around her once more.

It was insanity.

“This is wrong,” she mumbled into his skin, “What we’re doing, this-“

“What _are_ we doing, Rey?” His voice was a whisper, his breath ghosting her neck.

Her arms tightened around his shoulders.

“We’re enemies, on opposite sides of this fight-“

“We don’t have to be.”

“I won’t join the First Order, Ben.”

“I can’t go back.”

“You _can,_ Ben, you-“

“Not with everything I’ve done, Rey. It would take several lifetimes to make up for what I’ve done…” She felt his grip on her constrict, but it was far from uncomfortable.

“I can’t keep fighting you, Ben,” Rey choked out, lifting her head to look at him, “Not like the war demands…”

His gaze wavered, filled with too many unsaid words, and he tucked her head back under his once more.

She melted into his embrace, allowing herself to find comfort in his arms.

“I won’t stop, you know,” she said after a while, “I won’t stop trying to bring you back home, trying to save you.”

“I know. Neither will I.”

The conflicting vows were filled with untold implications. They would meet on the battlefield, and they would fight, until one side lost for good.

Rey found herself trembling against him.

“Just…” Ben took an unsteady breath, gently swaying her back and forth, “Just promise me you’ll never do something like this out of hunger for relief, or a clouded mind, again…You’ll get yourself killed...” His voice trailed off to nothing. It was sheer luck Rey heard the end of the sentence at all.

“Then what do you suggest I do, Ben? What do _you_ do?”

“I have my own saber fodder. You, you call me. Call me and I’ll come. We can fight like we just did,” his voice shook, “we can tear some remote planet to pieces if you so desire. Just please, please promise me you’ll never use a mission as dangerous as this to vent your bottled frustrations again…” His words came with his breaths. “I almost lost you, Rey, and not even by the means I feared most likely.”

There were many inflections in his voice, and the unspoken agreement that those sanctioned collisions would not end in death passed seamlessly between them.

“…I promise.”

They sat like that for an indefinite span of time, while their energy replenished, and Rey slowly healed up the wounds she had sustained, and the ones she had given him. There was a mutual feeling of not wanting to let go, amongst others, but eventually the time did come to leave.

They parted without a word at the main entrance of the facility, and both of them glanced back when there was a substantial distance between them.

Rey boarded an empty ship, with no one to greet and no solace to be found for the persistent ache in her heart. The bond, too, was cold. When she reached the cockpit, she saw that there was a new message in the comms, for another temple to be cleared.

For the first time in a while, Rey felt herself swallowed by a crushing hopelessness at the task she faced. Cleaning out the temples would prove child’s play, provided she had a clear head.

And Rey had the exact opposite, as this trip proved.

She was not able to separate Ben Solo from her duties, nor was she able to prevent her feelings towards him from interfering with what was necessary. Now it was clear that the two of them would be in a deadlock for the foreseeable future, perhaps till one met their end.

Rey collapsed into the pilot’s chair, let her head fall into her arms over the panel-locked console, and wept aloud.


	40. Endure

**_Chapter 40: Endure_ **

Rey soon found herself taking Ben up on his offer, and a pattern developed.

She would clear out a temple, and he would meet her thereafter, having arrived ‘too late to stop her’, as far as the First Order was concerned. He would then let Rey rid herself of all suppressed anger and fear, with himself as the target. Ben very rarely fought back, and his own inner turmoil left Rey just as tense as when she would arrive. It was on their second meeting, however, where Rey silently convinced him to take out his agitation on her in return.

After all, it did not escape Rey’s notice that she was not alone in her conflict. She knew he felt for her. She knew she felt for him. And yet…

They had orders, and those orders were not compatible. In all truth, they were already breaking rank by keeping this dance going for as long as it was, but if this was all it could be, then Rey found herself asking, why not?

It was not as if they talked during these meetings. They could convey hours of conversation in a single glance, even while they kept the bond tightly shut. The only time their connection was in use of late was when Rey called to him.

And more recently, when Ben called for her.

They would never fail to answer each other, and Rey found herself looking forward to their exhaustive collisions more than she had ever anticipated their illusionary sessions.

Perhaps it was the tangibility of the encounters. Perhaps it was the companionship they felt, both painfully aware that they were bending every rule to leave each other alive.

Rey would have liked to think it had nothing to do with how he held her when their time neared its end, and they collapsed against each other as they had on Geonosis. She preferred to think it had nothing to do with Ben’s proximity, and the way he still maintained a tenderness that Rey knew she did not deserve. Rey would tell herself it had nothing to do with the way his heartbeat felt under her fingertips when she healed the wounds he had sustained, and the way Ben would absentmindedly touch her as she did so.

All these things Rey tried so hard to maintain, she knew were lies to help her sleep better at night. Though, she hardly slept at all. The terrors had returned in full force, and she would not allow herself to ask Ben for help. Rey knew she could not allow the understanding between them to crumble away, lest she lose herself completely to the malady of caring for one’s enemy.

She tried to believe it wasn’t too late for that, but every time she healed him, she knew she would be the cause of those wounds reopening. Every time she felt his fluttering heartbeat, she knew that she may be the cause for it ceasing.

Rey also knew that Ben felt the same dread whenever he held her.

Whenever they fought, whenever they looked at each other, the words flowed silently between them as they begged the other to join them. The wild gazes always grew more desperate and imploring as the dance would reach its conclusion. That line was always pushed as the necessary outcomes were brushed on.

Who would break? Who would give up?

Who would join, or who would strike the final blow?

Their locked eyes would plead for understanding, for reprieve. For forgiveness. Neither had yet formed the resolution to reach a conclusion.

Gradually, he had begun to craft his walls around himself once more, and Rey was almost grateful when she had arrived at their agreed location, and found Kylo Ren’s impassive face looking back at her, only his eyes giving his deeper self away. The mask would hold for a while, but once his saber had touched her skin, Rey knew that the façade would drop not too far after. Ben could never hide himself from her for long, though he tried.

As plain as all of this was, Rey could not help but let her mind drift back to Cato Neimoidia, to Hoth, to Utapau…And though she tried, she would never be able to scrub, beat, or bleed away the feeling of his hands and lips on her skin, on her soul.

Ben Solo had left a mark on her, and Rey was terrified.

She was terrified of how she had felt during their most recent bout on Ryloth, a place that Ben had called her to with an urgency to his air that reflected her own that very first time on Geonosis. Rey had found him with ease, and they had immediate begun to fight, as usual. Only, Ben…Ben was consuming himself just as much as he was razing her. The onslaught was not a fight. It never really was. It was just two people finding release and relief in each other from circumstances that they could not control, and coping the only way they knew how.

At least, it had been the till Ben had pinned her up against a wall, and stopped fighting. He had held her gaze, his body pressed flush against hers, their lightsabers up on the wall over her head, and his lips but a shudder from hers. Rey had been overcome then with the fiery ferocity she herself had experienced in that facility on Geonosis, and it exhorted her to taste Ben again. She recognised it for what it was, and Rey ran from it. Her own mouth had brushed his cheek as she had shoved him from her, and she had fled from the temple, leaving him slumped against the wall where he had fallen.

Rey ignored him when he called out her name. And as two more weeks passed, Rey painfully blocked out every time he reached for her, before she cleared out the one last temple on her list and headed home, at last.

Her return was met with joy at first, then panic on closer inspection. Chewbacca all but dragged her to the medbay with Poe close on the Wookiee’s heels. Myri and Finn had met them there. Maz had kept Luke and Leia out, and it was the little woman who had insisted to perform the check-up.

It was a mission of note to force Poe and the others out, and it brought an amused if not utterly weathered smile to Rey’s exhausted face. Once it was done, however, Maz locked the doors to ensure no interruptions, and turned to Rey with wild eyes.

Rey was far too numb at this stage to do anything other than let the woman manhandle her, wrangling Rey out of her tattered robes- the fifth set in fact- and leaving her on the bunk in her bindings alone.

Nothing could have prepared Rey for the look of utter heartbreak on Maz’s face as she let her hands run over the scars on Rey’s body. They majority of them were all silvery, and Force-healed. New. The fact remained that one could still tell the difference between what was once a lightsaber wound, and what was not.

“ _Stars above…”_ Maz whispered, tears welling in her eyes. “What did he-“

Rey shook her head, and gripped the little woman’s hands, “No, Maz. What did ‘we’ do…not ‘he’.”

The tears spilled, and ran matching, glistening track down the woman’s fine-boned cheeks.

Rey wiped her tears away, fighting back her own when she felt Maz tremble under her knuckles.

“Maz-“

“I had so much hope, Rey. I hoped…I wished…”

Maz did not complete her sentence, a sob wracking her tiny frame and choking her words in her throat.

“I-I suppose you will not need any medical attention, since-“ Maz inhaled sharply, “Since all your body has been repeatedly healed with the Force. I-“ Maz gestured to folded navy blue cloth lying at the end of the bed, unable to speak further.

As much as Rey tried, she knew she’d never truly be able to remove Ben’s mark from her person. She would never stop feeling his touch, nor would she ever forget the time they had spent pretending. Rey did not want to give up yet. She would hold true to her promise to Leia, and Ben.

If it killed her, she would not stop trying to persuade him otherwise.

“It’s not over yet, Maz,” Rey said through a throat thick with fatigue, cupping the woman’s cheeks in her hands, “It’s not over yet.”

Maz finally raised her eyes to Rey’s face, but her gaze was drawn back to the glowing red crystal resting on Rey’s chest.

She gasped slightly, her fingers curling her fingers around the shard.

Rey knew that Maz could read her like a holo. She knew that Maz would connect the dots and recognise what was happening in Rey’s mind faster than she could any constellation.

“Oh Rey... _Rey-“_

“I have a job to do, Maz. I will do it. I _will._ It is my own fault if my compassion for him clouds my judgement. But I will do my job.”

Rey got off the table and reached for more robes that sat folded on the foot of the bed. It seemed Leia had ordered plenty of those blue weaves done for Rey, possibly expecting the rate at which she would work through them.

Maz watched her with large eyes, still shiny from the tears although no more fell.

“Rey-“ Maz called as Rey reached for the door, still very aware of the fact that she had to report back to Leia as soon as possible, “I understand your determination to bring him home…But do yourself a favour, and accept _why._ Once you do that, you’ll find peace with it. Until then, I’m afraid none of this will work itself out.”

Rey paused only for a moment before ducking out the door while tightening her belt.

Maz was right, of course.  Rey had felt unbelievable peace when she had accepted the existence of both ‘Dark’ and ‘Light’ existing together in her body. She had found tranquillity in accepting her past, in accepting that Ben was part of it, and would always be linked with her.

What more was there to accept? She cared for him, sure. She didn’t want him to die, she didn’t want to see him be used further by Snoke. She wanted Leia to have her son back.

What more reason was there to wanting to bring him back where he belonged?

Her heart twisted, but she ignored it.

Compassion. It was _only compassion._

It could not be more, not now.

Leia met her in the halls and beckoned her into her chambers. To Rey’s surprise, Luke was there, and appraised her with eyes laden with suspicion.

“You cleared out _all_ of the locations Leia sent you to?” he asked, not even waiting for her to sit.

“Yes, Luke. Not a soul left.”

“Except Ben, of course.”

Now where would he come with that?

“Except Ben.”

Luke nodded, and Rey did not miss Leia’s features tighten.

“You knew he would come after me?” Rey asked Luke.

“I suspected it,” he ran his hand over his face, and Rey was stunned to see a semblance of a smile on Luke’s face, “I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you let him live, and still came _back._ ”

“Why would I not?” Rey frowned, looking between Leia and Luke. Leia had moved to look out the window, hiding her face, but that didn’t hide the guilt that Rey could feel from the woman. Luke also shifted in his seat, unable to meet her eyes as she flicked her gaze from one to the other.

As realisation dawned on her, Rey could not help but laugh, the sound filled with bitterness.

“You thought I’d fallen? Honestly?”

The twins flinched, and Ray caught Luke’s nod.

“ _Fallen?”_ Rey chortled, “As in, embracing the Dark and running away with the First Order?”

“Relenting to my son,” Leia said, turning to face her, “And taking what I’m sure was an attractive offer. After everything he showed you, it was…”

“We thought it a possibility. You haven’t exactly been yourself since Yavin Four, Rey.”

Rey could only laugh harder at that, her voice filled with sarcastic irony when she could speak again, “Myself? Until Yavin Four, I didn’t even know who I really was, Luke. This is, of course,” Rey got up, “completely disregarding the hastiness with which I, a scavenger girl from Jakku, has had to become a proficient Force-User, and a soldier. Of course I’m not myself. I’ve been utterly _unmade._ ”

They had the decency to look ashamed.

“And submit to Ben? I hate to break it to you like this,” Rey was angry, but she was too fatigued to muster the fury in her voice, “But I’m not ‘submitting’ to anyone, not even you two. I’m _helping_ you. Nothing is stopping me from jumping to some Outer- Rim world besides my sense of duty and my desire to see Ben brought home. I am not about to do the exact _opposite-“_

“And yet,” Luke murmured, “The Dark Side resonates within you.”

“That’s not the Dark Side, Luke,” she snapped, “It’s the Force, in all its facets. It is not my fault that you feel the need to segregate the single energy into two.”

“Then,” he faced her defiantly, “I wonder what kind of slaughter you machinated in order to feed the Dark within you so?”

Rey smiled at him in warning, “A big one, Luke. That’s what happens when you bring about the silencing of your enemies’ voices.” Rey straightened up and turned to Leia, ignoring the look of fear that flickered across Luke’s face. “Speaking of which, I do believe you final transmission said you had another target.”

Leia nodded, “A smaller facility, no hordes of Elite. Just a few of their…uh, Masters.”

Rey raised a brow, “How much smaller?”

“As far as our decryption can tell us, thirteen at most.”

Rey’s voice was dubious, “Thirteen _squads?”_

“Uh, no, no-“

What had Leia so nervous?

“-Thirteen…people. Force Sensitives and those other creatures, Vong, alike.”

Ah. That’s what had Leia so anxious.

“And where would this place be, exactly?”

“Malachor Five.”

Rey only hoped the icewater that replaced her blood did not illicit a reaction on her face. Malachor.

“Trayus Academy, then?” Rey asked, her voice low.

“Correct.”

Rey nodded, and turned to leave.

“You aren’t honestly going to take this mission, are you?” Luke called, and she could hear him get up.

“Why not?” Rey spun around, “I went to Dromund for you, and compared to _that,_ Malachor should be a cakewalk with only thirteen hellions to deal with.”

Rey only prayed that the fear that gripped her heart did not make her voice tremble. Ben’s words on Malachor raced through her mind all at once, and with it came the memories of the happenings around that conversation. It made her heart burn with a yearning she could not comprehend.

Luke did not answer her, and she left with one last nod to Leia.

Rey walked with purpose till she reached the hangar doors, then hesitated when they opened. She had spent a little over a month in space, in the ship that stood before her.

Taking a deep breath of D’Qar’s crisp air, Rey smiled, and turned to walk towards Poe’s quarters. If she didn’t meet him on the way, no doubt she’d find both him and Finn in his room.

Mercifully, though, she _did_ meet them on the way, and they were only too happy to grab a flask of caffa from the cafeteria and head to the hanging gardens with her.

Although, something felt amiss as Rey walked the pathway she hadn’t seen in ages.

Instead of happy smiles thrown her way, most people glanced away, or walked a little faster. Rey hadn’t noticed before, because the people who had welcomed her home had acted no different. But now… Now the aversion around her was becoming more and more apparent.

They sat in the gardens, and a nearby group got up to leave. It was when one of the small throng leaned close to another to titter in their ear that Rey caught Finn throwing them a look dirtier than any she had ever seen him sport.

Rey glanced between the two men, and Poe poured her a mug of caffa.

“Guys, what-”

“Don’t you worry about it, Rey,” Finn interrupted, taking his own mug and sipping.

She looked at him with a frown, before her eyes caught one of the other men looking back with a genuinely fearful expression. It may have also been one of disgust.

“No, what is going on?” Rey looked at Poe when Finn avoided her eyes, “Tell me!”

Poe raised his hands in defence, “Some, _some_ of the troops heard what’s been going on. It’s no secret to the Galaxy that some ‘Enemy of the First Order’ has been systematically annihilating their strongest soldiers. Some people…” He trailed off, looking at the table.

“Some people what, Poe?”

It was obvious he was reluctant to answer her, but the look she gave him when she caught his eye again convinced him to spill whatever he was holding back.

“Some people are scared. They think you’ll go the same way as Ben, which in their mind equals automatic defeat for us. They say that since you’re so…um-“

“Poe.”

“ _Ruthless_ already, it’s only a skip and a jump till you pull a Revan…”

Rey sat in silence, fuming.

Heartbroken.

Certainly, there was a difference between a squad of trained soldiers striking a site and one woman tearing through a temple all by herself…But when you got to the baseline, it was still murder for the sake of the war.

How could they regard her so?

Rey got up. She had a job to do.

“Rey!” Finn called after her, and she soon heard two sets of feet hit the ground and follow her as she walked to the hanger.

Soldiers in her way shied away from her path, most casting her wary glances. It heartened her a little to see that there were handfuls of them that still smiled at her. One even waved, a face she recognised from Hoth, and she returned the gesture.

But those few people didn’t do a lot in way of soothing her slowly fraying nerves.

“Rey, come back!” Finn shouted as they stopped in the hanger, and Rey hit the ramp mechanism for her ship. “You can’t just up and _leave!”_

She rounded on the two of them, unable to keep the sadness out of her tone, “I am meant to be a _Captain._ How in the name of the Force am I supposed to lead people someday in larger battles who are so suspicious of me _now?_ When all I’ve done is make their lives marginally safer by eliminating some of the opposition’s wild cards?”

Poe grabbed her flailing arms, and pulled her into a hug, crushing her to his chest and holding her till her breathing evened out. Finn joined in soon after, circling his arms around the two of them from the other side.

“And Luke and Leia…They actually thought I might have _fallen…_ Can you believe that? My once-instructor and the woman who gave me my rank…”

“No,” Poe said reassuringly, “it’s outrageous, Rey. They’ll all come around. Remember what I told you, okay? Just keep showing us what’s what, and…?”

“And you’ll keep trusting me.”

Rey could feel a little bit of confusion on Finn’s side, but no malice. He rubbed her arms affectionately before stepping away, and pointing to the _Sparrow._

“I know you got your own ‘super-secret’ missions, and all, but you don’t have to leave right this minute do you?”

Rey sighed, pulling away from Poe. It would be best to leave while the First Order was stull guessing, and Ben was still stalling.

“I’d like to stay, I really would. But I think you’ll both agree with me when I say that getting this done as soon as possible will be preferable.”

Poe nodded, patting her on the back, “Nah, you’re right. We don’t have to like it, but you’re right. Just take careful note-“ He pulled her into a one-armed hug again, and put on a serious tone that had very honest undertones, “You come back looking as ragged at you did this time, and I promise you I’ll put you on house arrest till the next Galactic cycle.”

Rey genuinely laughed as she hugged them goodbye, spotting Maz, Luke, and Leia standing at the hanger entrance when she boarded once more.

In the silence of the cockpit, her distress returned as stifling as it had been when she first heard Leia mention Malachor.

For a moment, as she keyed in the co-ordinates and pulled her ship into the atmosphere, she seriously considered calling on Ben to help her…Then decided against it, entering hyperspace.

Rey was scared. She was scared of what she would encounter on Malachor, and she was scared of what would happen with Ben.

The trip to Malachor would take her straight to the Chorlian Sector… Far too close to Korriban for her liking, but she would do what she had to do, and she would take it one step at a time.

First Malachor- or rather the remains thereof- then Ben.

Whatever would be, would be.

If only that sentiment would do something to calm her.


	41. Modicum

**_Chapter 41: Modicum_ **

Ben Solo was distracted, and this was nothing new as far as the last couple of weeks went. He had to hand it to Rey, she possessed a special kind of strength.

Snoke had used less to twist Ben into his servant.

She was something bright and beautiful that Ben would never deserve, but knew he would rip the Galaxy apart to save. It was a privilege to him to be used as her outlet, and- dare he say- refuge. Ben was only too happy to offer himself as substitute for any other far more dangerous situation. If Rey would stay focused and safe by crashing herself against him, so be it. He would gladly take her wrath.

The boundary he had set for himself was shattered by her when she coerced him into using her for the same purpose. Ben had seen a marked change in her when he had obliged, and it had been a change for the better. Her whole composure had lightened when they were equally vulnerable with each other, even if she could not see it.

Ben tried to disregard their mutually caused wounds, and her healing hands pressing over his body, hastily chasing away the lesions she had caused as if they offended her. He tried to ignore the fire that scorched his skin wherever her touch trailed, and tried to avoid the feelings that blossomed in his chest whenever their eyes met.

Was it possible that she was utterly oblivious of the effect she had on him? She can’t have been…

No matter. He gladly met her at every call, and took her blows filled with the poison of whatever she had to endure for the sake of her Resistance. It meant that he could have those infinitesimal moments with her, and that was enough.

By the time he had been the one to call her, he had long since given up believing he continued their dance only to pull her over to his side. That did not mean he stopped trying, but every time he was met with her equally imploring eyes, begging the same question, but for a different side.

Ben wished he could give in.

One walk through Korriban’s halls reminded him why he could not.

There was very little, if not none at all, redemption for murderers and conquerors.

‘The Force shall free me’ indeed.

There was no freedom from yearning for another, this Ben knew well. He longed for his mother, his father, his friends. He longed for Rey.

And his futile boundaries had fallen to absolute pieces when he had seen her for the last time since…

He had been so close. He had wanted to taste her one last time. It would always be ‘one last time’, he supposed. But she had run, and he had been somewhat glad for it. Ben had scant control where Rey was concerned, and he knew full well that nothing good could come of them giving in to one another while maintaining their current paths.

But _Force_ was he tempted…

“Solo, at last. Hux has been whining nonstop for your attendance.”

Ben nodded once to Banor, and brushed past him at the same speed he had been going. Hux had sent him the message not too long ago to convene on Korriban and turn their attentions on baiting Rey by antagonising the Resistance colonies. Ben got the feeling that Snoke was moving towards an endgame, and this only made Ben more anxious to deal with Rey. Only now, she had blocked him off good and proper, and he had no way of knowing where to find her.

His heart nearly stopped in his chest when a hand grabbed his arm from behind and shoved him into an open room. He did not show any distress, his training aiding with that much, and regained his composure quick enough to draw his saber, and to see Banor shut the door.

“Put it away, Solo. It’s not time for that just yet.”

“Pardon me if I don’t,” Ben growled through clenched teeth.

Banor snorted derisively, a sneer twisting his face, “Just a warning, boy. You’re getting sloppy. You’ve missed the girl far too many times. And don’t think I don’t _know_ who the little schutta is. I saw her face in the holodoc we all got sent. I recognise those eyes-”

Ben kept his face neutral, but inside he was shaking, with both visceral anger and bone-chilling dread.

“-I still want to finish what I started on Yavin Four. Little brat got away before I could _really_ get into decorating the halls-“

“Shut _up,_ you-“ White hot rage surged in Ben’s chest, but Banor was not done.

“Ah ah, carefully, Solo-” The smug bastard was smiling at him, baring his greying teeth. It incensed Ben that the man had the audacity to continue calling him Solo, seldom ever using Ren or Kylo. “-And well, let’s say Jayal is _particularly_ interested in taking out her ‘competition’. Between you and me, I think its Force-envy,” there was only sadistic glee in Banor’s voice now, “But hey, if you want to be the one to break the little Jedi-whore then by all means, have at it. Would be the first time you acted like one of _us_ at all-“ he leant in a little closer, disregarding the crackling saber completely, and hissed his words menacingly at Ben, filling them with frightening promise, “-Maybe then I’ll consider keeping you around when all this is over, and not leave your body cooling in a ditch along with hers.”

He was gone before Ben could say a word, and Ben allowed himself a minute to stop his hands from trembling the way they were before walking to meet Hux.

He knew Banor wouldn’t out him on this. For all he knew, Banor might think Rey escaped by her own means, though Ben knew this to be unlikely. Luckily for him, there was a certain ‘honour among thieves and murderers’ where their ilk was concerned. Banor would deal with this without involving anyone outside of the Knights…

Which meant Ben would have to watch his back more carefully from now on.

He would have to kill Banor sooner than later, regardless of what Snoke wanted. If Banor got near Rey again, he would find himself in the Iridonian afterlife far sooner than he thought.

Ben had himself back under control by the time he reached Hux, but found it more than a little difficult to focus on the strategy Hux was devising, to attack a Resistance outpost on Dxun, while Jayal was staring at him as if he were a prime cut of meat.

Sweet Force he wished he were back in that seedy bar, with juri burning acid holes all the way down his throat, and Rey opposite him. He wished he had her kind eyes on him again, rather than the eyes of that libidinous harpy. He may have even wished he had begged Rey to take him with her, regardless of the fate that awaited him on D’Qar, be it life imprisonment or worse. Probably worse. But with Jayal and Banor around, there were many things less appealing than death.

At least he would have had a few days of relative normalcy with her rather than what they had to soldier through now.

It made him ill to his gut how much he still craved the Light- how much he craved _her-_ and how bitterly little killing his father had done to remove that draw to the Light.

He had lost one thing he yearned for. He would not let anyone take Rey.

***

Malachor, to put it plainly, was absolutely terrifying. Terrifying, but mesmerising.

The planet itself was deformed, and splitting at the seams with its own instability. The sky was a sickly green, the light of which was reflected in the gasses that hissed out of the deep ravines and choppy crags in the obsidian ground.

Rey had come prepared for a toxic environment, but was duly floored when the spectral readings on the Sparrow marked the atmosphere as breathable. She took a rebreather on her belt just in case…

She didn’t even need to disembark the ship to know that Malachor was a Dark planet. The air was heavy with it, and Rey could taste the death in the Force that somehow seemed so far away here. Thinner, less tangible.

Rey felt almost naked with the wispiness of it, and that alarmed her.

Leia had said thirteen…But that did not include the native creatures, if there were any.

No sooner had Rey thought it, then a roar echoed from Rey’s left. She only just managed to dodge the claws of the ghastly reptilian beast.

Was that a terentatek?

No, her Force Choke had an effect. Terentatek were somewhat immune to the Force, but this thing was already dead. It looked like a mix between a terentatek and a rancor. Rey had never seen anything like it, even in the archives. However, now she knew she had to watch her Force usage. That little act had solidly taken a physical effect on her. Perhaps she’d have to stick to melee. Juyo would be best, maybe with a little Shii-Cho to compensate.

The mangled planet rumbled with every step she took closer to the Trayus Academy, and Rey felt herself resonating with the tumultuous energy around her. It was as if the planet itself was screaming as it was being torn apart by its own gravity, its structure having been compromised.

If Rey had been in a lighter mood, she supposed she would have been tempted to run her hand over one of the weeping lesions in the surface and say ’likewise’ for all the lack of peace she felt.

As it turned out, Leia had been spot on about the Force-Users and Yuuzhan Vong. Rey encountered two Nightbrothers and a Vong. This time, however, Rey was careful not to attract any attention. This time, she did the Insanity trick right, and the two Nightbrothers took out the unsuspecting Vong with ease, before turning on each other at Rey’s machination. When one was left, Rey left him in a daze while she crept up behind him, and killed him with a quick ignition and deactivation of her saber, using only one of the blades for this purpose. Rey was relieved to find that the Insanity trick did not tax her too badly, and for some reason, the deeper she went into the Trayus academy, the stronger the currents of the Force got.

It was not long before she had dispatched seven more targets in a similar way, and was making her way to the last area she had not yet combed: the Trayus Core.

She found two Zabrak, a man and a woman, who were busy training with a beast.

A terentatek.

Rey highly doubted that the terentatek would be the thirteenth mark, despite its rather high profile as a danger, so she was on alert for any other presences- or absences- in the Force while she stealthily skulked to a low wall close by the trio.

The terentatek would only be susceptible to staggering, or stunning…Maybe Stasis if she proved powerful enough.

Rey would have to dispatch the two Zabrak first if she wanted to stand a chance, and she’d have to do it quickly.

Force Crush.

Their bodies fell limp in an instant, and the beast was left without a distraction, immediately searching for the source of the new smell in the room. Rey sent a barrage of several Stasis attacks on the creature, and only succeeded in staggering it. That was enough.

Rey lunged at the terentatek with a flurry of her double yellow blades, quickly striking across its exposed belly. The beast recovered a lot faster than Rey anticipated, and she was flung across the room with a searing swipe across her chest. She only just managed to stop herself from careening off the edge of the haphazard column the entire platform rested on, surrounded on all sides by a deep chasm.

The ground shook as the terentatek lumbered towards her. Rey thanked the Force that at least the garish thing was not entirely agile. Unfortunately, she was so focused on killing the beast that she did not feel the hollow echo in the Force until it became too large to possibly ignore. The terentatek died with a cloud of excreted acid that blinded Rey, who had not been expecting anything of the sort.

She had, however, gotten just enough of a glimpse of her next assailant that adequate terror tore through her body. Rey knew a blow was coming, but it made it no less agonising, and she landed heavily several meters back as the pain rippled through her gut, and the Yuuzhan Vong laughed.

It was a rasping, guttural sound that froze Rey’s heart and held her fast in dread. The acid cleared in time for Rey to see the creature pick up her lightsaber and activate it. He- for it certainly looked like a he- seemed to marvel at it for a moment, before turning his hollow eyes on her.

“The Master…”

She scrambled back as he approached, her blade in his gnarled hands, desperately flinging any Force power at him that she thought might have even a sliver of effect.

None did.

She even reached for Lightning, something she had not quite learnt how to harness yet. But none came.

Her hands met air, and she shrieked as her back hit the ground and her head hung over the chasm.

“…Will be most pleased.”

He shoved the blade through her shoulder, and the pure searing agony of it made spots dance in front of her eyes as she screamed.

He deactivated the blade, and reactivated it over her lower left hip, eliciting another tearing yell. This time, when he deactivated it, he dragged her by her wounded leg into the centre of the wound, and continued to puncture her with her own saber, alternating between three spots he picked.

He did not let her black out, forcing her to recover every now and then.

When she coughed blood from her raw throat, he changed techniques to dragging the very tip of her yellow blade over her body. Slowly…Languidly…As if he were undressing her.

No matter how hard she thrashed, she could not move from the spot, for he was standing with one foot on her chest.

He would rasp questions at her about the Resistance, about her missions, about her training, she could only ever respond with shouts of pain. He made it so, jabbing her whenever she made to answer in any way.

It was unclear for how long she was on the floor, under that creature and at his mercy. She could not tell by how much blood had pooled, for the lightsaber cauterised its inflictions, but somewhere too soon, or after too long, the Vong leaned down to her face, lightly holding the blade _just_ on her gut, letting it sear.

“I’m surprised that one as weak as you killed so many of my kin… It’s a disgrace. Those fools deserved more humiliating deaths for their astronomical failure-“ He measuredly moved the blade around, drawing on her skin with the welts it caused. “-Listen carefully girl. This is how you die. No matter what you say, or what you give me. This is how you die. Choose to do so with dignity or without. One will hasten your death, one will prolong it. You find out which.”

With that, he kicked her over onto her stomach, and began carving into her back. Her vision blurred with white and black spots, and the torture wiped out all thought from her mind. Rey choked and coughed dark, congealed blood onto the ground in front of her eyes, but she did not weep.

She still tried to fight, reaching for stones, or rocks to throw, and even a horn lopped off of the terentatek. He only laughed in glee whenever she attempted such things, and was forced to fall back on the floor in dizzying pain.

She did not know when, but at some point her wordless howls and gasps took form, and she found she was unwittingly crying Ben’s name.

Rey did not know if the bond was open or not. She could not think, and slowly, she could not feel.

Her screams died in her throat as her vision tunnelled, and though she still yelled, there was no sound to be heard besides ugly, wet rasping.

“Ben?” she heard the Vong over the ringing in her ears, “As in Ben Solo? That whelp of a servant?” He laughed, “It seems you have given me something useful after all!”

He grabbed her hair and pulled her up onto her knees to face him.

“I wonder…What he will do if I bring him your head? Will he be jubilant? Or will he break? Will it acclaim him, or damn him?”

Rey could have spat fire at the sickly giddy creature.

He leant closer and poised her blade close to her neck, she gripped his armour, and felt sparks dance in her fingertips.

She wasn’t thinking. She was just feeling.

And she was going to _kill_ this vile filth even if she had to gauge his eyes out with her bare hands to make him fall.

He grinned at her through twisted lips, “Let’s find out, shall we?”

She surprised him by smiling back through split and battered lips, then lunched herself at him with all the power she could channel into her folded legs. The abruptness of her movement left her atop him, and her lightsaber clattering out of reach. Lighting arced blue and vibrant over the entire body of the Vong, and though it did no discernible damage, it stunned him long enough for Rey to grab the pike from his side.

She was running on nothing more than the dregs of her adrenaline, the fires thereof lit at his goading, and her fear. He struggled, also grabbing hold of the pike and forcing her up, but she was quicker, pushed on by intense hatred for the mangled creature pinned beneath her.

Rey managed to pull the weapon free with a grappling move she had learnt long ago, in a memory that seemed more like a dream, tussling with a raven-haired boy over a practice-staff.

Only this time, she shoved the pike right up under the Vong’s jaw, and through his skull. She sat there for a long time, gripping the pick in white-knuckled hands, until she had reigned enough of the Force back in to send waves of it through her body, haphazardly healing as much as she could, as quickly as she could.

It took effort to peel her shaking, slick-with-blood hands from the weapon, and even more so to crawl towards her own lightsaber.

Rey slumped against the pillar and stayed there till her heartbeat stopped pounding in her ears, and her vision stopped spinning.

Granted, that did take a while, but even when it did all stop, her breathing was till ragged and raw. Her throat was undoubtedly torn, shredded. Her body was numb, her nerves overworked and in shock from the rush of hormones she had sent flooding through her body to just scrub the feeling away.

Rey was under no disillusions though. She knew she would feel it for days, quite possibly weeks to come.

When she was steady enough to walk, she grabbed one of the Zabrak’s discarded pikes, and used it as a crutch to haul herself of the floor, and hobble to the exit. ‘Steady’ was, of course, a relative term for someone who had nearly joined the Force. She supposed the gravity of the situation would hit her later, once she was safe and surrounded by relative normalcy…When she realised just how fleeting life could actually be.

Her head was spinning as she made her way back to her ship, just following the corpses. The notion probably would have been morbidly amusing on any other day, but not when her head pounded like this.

It was as if someone had stuck a spike in and jiggled it about.

The bond…The bond _hurt._ It throbbed…

The pike fell out of hands when realisation dawned.

She had let the block drop on her side. Rey only prayed he had not felt any of that, and that he still retained his barrier.

Oh _frack,_ she though when she eventually clambered onto her ship and hastily primed the engines for departure.

Suddenly, she could not leave fast enough, despite her loudly protesting body.

Rey had not properly healed her wounds. They were still angry, and ranged from red to purple to black in colour.

But at least she was alive.

At least she was alive.

Flying out through that death-trap of an asteroid field had not felt so appealing on the way in, but on the way out she probably would have kissed them all goodbye for beckoning her escape, had she not been so limp in her seat.

Rey prayed that that would be the last solo mission she would do in a long time, she doubted her luck would hold up much longer.

A tensing in her mind affirmed that notion.

 _Mygeeto._ His voice was tightly wound, and controlled. Anguished.

 _What?_ She was not sluggish, she just could not believe that he actually wanted to call her again after she had so readily fled last time.

_Mygeeto, Rey. Meet me in the refugee sector docks on Mygeeto._

_Ben-_

No use. He was gone.

If his voice was anything to go by, he sounded desperate. Perhaps this meeting would be the one where a decision was made, or else someone lost. For good. Maybe Snoke had succeeded. Maybe Ben would meet her as Kylo Ren. Maybe she wouldn’t have to make a decision at all.

Either way, he _was_ her next internal mission…And she would not prove a difficult mark for him at all as she was. It would truly come down to a battle of duty verses heart.

Rey let her head loll to see the nav chart. D’Qar, Mygeeto. D’Qar, Mygeeto. D’Qar…

She sighed heavily, her heart deciding for her.

Mygeeto.

Some small part of her knew she may live to regret it, or else revel in it.

Both were entirely plausible.


	42. Desperate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AND THUS THE FIRST SNIPPET HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED!  
> Also, NSFW.  
> Enjoy!

**_Chapter 42: Desperate_ **

With the ship steadily in hyperspace, Rey had moved to the tiny medbay to try and heal herself more thoroughly. Only, when she peeled of the scraps of burnt fabric that clung to her body, the extent of the damage made itself painfully clear.

The welts on her body may just as well have been tattoos, webbing their way over her once not too badly marred skin. Rey allowed herself to collapse on the medbay’s bunk, the tattered remnants of robes pooling at her discarded boots, and curled herself against the rough spread, hugging her body tight.

She hadn’t wanted to go to sleep, but there was a limit to everyone’s stamina, even those who ran on sheer willpower. Rey did not know whether the Force terrors were losing their bite, if she was just becoming used to them, or if she was just too sapped and weak to care, but this time, she did not wake up covered in sweat, screaming, or gasping for air. Her eyes fluttered open to meet the metal of the medbay’s fuselage, and the images of her dreams danced before her eyes as she shivered, cold from having fallen asleep in just her ruined bindings.

But the cold didn’t bother her this time, she was far too busy watching a man she never wanted to kill die in her arms on a white, sandy beach, with clear water in the distance, and bright azure skies above. The violent tremors that rocked her ruined body did not do much to break her reverie, caught as she was in the memory of a red, quivering blade running another man- no, monster- through, and casting him aside so that no harm would come to her.

Nothing about her terrors were familiar now, except the people in them.

Nothing was familiar…

Rey jerked up with a gasp, abruptly wide awake and very aware of her prickling and freezing skin. Still, this did not bother her. She stared dead ahead, a dreadful notion coiling itself around her heart as realisation and a marginal understanding dawned, terrible and sharp.

All that had happened…All that Rey had now seen and _knew…_

Those scenes no longer plagued her dreams. She no longer ran through the halls of Yavin Four’s temple. She no longer felt the strike of the Knight’s mace. Everything that she had _experienced,_ had stopped. Everything that her mind wanted to remind her of, had stopped.

Rey let her head fall into her hands, and she rubbed her face agitatedly. These were no mere dreams, or terrors. They were visions.

They were visions, and Rey was still unable to pull Ben back from the swallowing sands. But if they were visions, then why did she _still_ get flashes of calling for him on Jakku? Was what they were doing now, summoning each other, inciting the reminiscing of another time when she had so frantically begged for him...Wanted him?

Rey pushed those ideas out of her mind as she hastily pulled on another pair of leggings and a tunic, glad to cover up the glaring welts and lesions. She did not have the energy, patience, or peace of mind to deal with those now. It gave her unusual relief to find that the kyber crystal still hung around her neck, even after all that had happened. She clenched it tightly in her fist as she walked back to the cockpit, hearing the half-hour approach warning beep.

Nervousness welled in her gut and chest, Ben’s words rolling over in her head, the tone of it making little sense to her. He had sounded anxious, on edge, and almost…Angry. No, not angry…Something else. Rey closed her eyes and breathed an unsteady sigh, shivering as the recollection of the edge that had been in his voice.

Not even the Vong’s torture had managed to wipe away the feeling of his touch.

It was night on Mygeeto when she finally landed, and her nerves had not nearly calmed.

Certainly, they had done this often, and Rey was no stranger to the tug of his consciousness on hers, summoning her in such a manner. Time and time again they had regaled the same dance, taking out their frustrations on each other. Ben would call, she would respond. Rey didn't like to admit it, but to be fair she had been the one to reach for him more often than not.

He never ignored her.

This time was no different, she told herself. Only…something _about_ it surely was, for this time there was no rage in Ben’s call. No anger that needed a release. Rey wondered whether, this time, she would be able to go back home without a fresh lightsaber burn that resonated with his energy, and new lie to tell. This, Rey knew, was wishful thinking. At least she had something of an excuse in the way of what the Vong had done to her.

As she walked through the dingy docks, her lightsaber fixed on her belt, Rey was unsure if she’d be able to fight him at all tonight. She was weary, and her sleep had been fitful as only one plagued with the Force could be. The manner of the call was the same.

Something, however, was different. The air hanging heavy around her was charged with ephemeral intensity that came and went as she breathed. Rey followed the currents, as the tension increased, and came to a stop in front of an off ramp.

Something was different, and Ben was desperate. This, Rey could taste in the eddies that swirled and whipped around her.

Rey had no trouble finding his ship, for it was the only one docked on that platform. She found the ramp open and, after pausing a moment to fortify herself, activated her own saber when she saw the red glow within. He knew she was there, and he was ready to fight. Rey was dismayed to find that the prospect dismayed her instead of reassuring her as it usually did. Whether this was due to her own affliction, or Ben’s strain…

Rey knew she’d have to maintain her façade when she walked into the ship. Though Rey tried, she could not centre herself enough to rejuvenate her drained body from her latest mission…A mission that had run horribly wrong and nearly ended in her death… Perhaps, she thought grimly while steadily moving forward, today will prove the day a decision was made. Just maybe, this mission would still end with her demise.

It only took a second for the clash to begin once Rey saw his face, and their dance began. But during that second, Rey was sure she had seen far too much. Ben’s face had been twisted in terrible pain, and his stance had been one of coiled reluctance. Upon seeing her, his eyes had grown hungry for but a fleeting moment, and when red and yellow clashed viciously, his countenance bore only the cold impassiveness of Kylo Ren. It did nothing to make Rey’s deflection and attacks easier. If anything, his conjured mask only made her heart ache more. She could not do this more much longer.

She had no form, and neither did he. They collided with showers of sparks and screaming blades, hacking at each other. While they did not stick to any gathered poise, this did not mean they weren’t disordered just yet, and the ship’s fuselage gained many more gashes and wounds to add to all those before; bearing the tally of its master’s sordid history. Rey was battling with herself and him, overwhelmed by the ferocity that seemed to surge around him, and the resonance she had with it.

When they gradually grew tired and sloppy, strikes began to land more often, and as usual, fresh blood droplets speckled the consoles. Still, Rey felt something was odd. He had no genuine bite. This dance was missing its usual poison. If Rey didn’t know better, she’d think he had just spent time in the clutches of a Vong assassin, as she had.

 _What makes you think I haven’t?_ His voice in her mind startled her. It was raw and bleeding, torn open to her.

Rey faltered, and Ben managed to throw her off balance and pin her to the wall. Rey could only stare at him in confusion, fighting doubly hard to break the saber lock.

Pain she had seen upon first entering his ship flickered across his face before he pushed his thoughts into hers once more.

 _You think this bond has been constantly blocked? Do you honestly think I was that strong to avoid you, to not care?_ Now there was anger. Faint, but it was there. _You called out in agony! What was I to do but hear? Most of my waking minutes were spent in nightmares with you in that damned temple!_

Rey shrunk away from him when he pounded a dent in the metal next to her. It was his turn to hesitate when he felt her flash of fear through the bond, and she used that mistake to her advantage, spinning out of his hold and to the centre of the room.

Ben recovered quickly, and they were crossing blades once more not even a second later. Sparks obscured their vision, but the dizzying flood of emotion between the two over their connection was enough to fuel the ungraceful hacking and blocking they had been reduced to.

Rey wondered who would ‘win’ this time. In truth, this had come to mean something entirely different. Could it be called winning if your fights continued? She didn’t have time to think further as a twist of Ben’s wrist sent her lightsaber flying from her reach, and she didn’t have the energy to pull it back to her.

That was it. She could do no more. Rey had tried, but her wounds were catching up to her. The small bouts of healing she had done had simply not been enough to sustain her for this.

“Pick it up!” Ben’s voice was hoarse, but still loud enough to her exhausted mind to incite a flinch.

Rey shook her head and slumped against the bulkhead for support. Her last reserves had been spent, and her body’s desecration was finally taking its toll on her very mind. She wondered why she had ever responded to his call in this state.

She knew the answer.

“Please pick it up.” His voice was softer now. Barely a whisper. Rey knew for certain now that Ben was desperate. At what, exactly, Rey was unsure, for the man who would be Kylo Ren was so rarely fraught. A moment hung in silence, suspended in the tension that both pulled them together and kept them apart when Rey met his eyes with her own.

They were both breathing heavily, and Rey could see the precise moment when Ben discarded the cold veneer, and his fine features broke in anguish once more. Rey wanted nothing more than to run her hands over his face and smooth away the creases of worry, hurt, and fear that obscured him from her.

There were no words to describe how disheartened she felt when she became fully aware that he had seen, and most likely felt, every single blow that had been cast against her. He had seen her fear, he had seen her anger. He had seen her threatened, and how she had exploded when his life had been inadvertently endangered.

Rey knew he could sense her comprehension, and her guilt. Determination and resolve replaced everything else that had been on his face, and his eyes were ravenous once more.

For a beat, the world around them was drowned out by an unspoken plea. A silent cry.

Then that moment shattered when Ben deactivated his saber, and let it fall, pulling Rey towards him with the only burst of the Force he had ever loosed against her under these circumstances.

Rey could not do anything but fall against his chest and grab hold of his hood, fully aware that she would not have wanted to struggle even if she had the strength to.

While one of his hands clutched her waist, the other was cradling her face within the second, and Rey’s thoughts scattered to nothing when he caught her mouth in a searing, heady kiss. There was an edge to the way his lips captured hers, and worshipped her mouth, that made heat score through Rey’s veins, and brand her skin where his body pressed against hers.

 _Force_ she had wanted this. She had wanted this.

Rey used her grip on his hooded cloak to pull him closer, the action causing him to moan wantonly against her lips, and Rey willingly opened her mouth to his pleading nips.

When her back hit the fuselage, she was the one who gasped against him, one hand clutching his shoulder, and the other braced against the back of his neck.

Her hands did not stay there for long as his tongue moved against hers, tentatively at first, but then with fervent purpose. Rey slid her palms over his neck and shoulders to twin her hands in the catch of his cloak, and _pull._ His small moans and whines as they both gasped for air and refused to part did not help the way her head was spinning. A few tugs later, and he shrugged the cloak to the floor, picking her up and pinning her between his body and the wall, balancing her there as his own hands sought the hem of her tunic.

Rey wrapped her legs around his waist, loosening his cuirass and devouring Ben’s strangled sigh when her hands found skin, and she raked her nails over his back.

She did not stop to think what they were doing as her tunic fell open and his fingertips traced the curve of her sides. To be honest, Rey could not think at all when his hips ground against hers as she gently bit his upper lip, soothing it with her tongue thereafter.

What had started off as a dance of blades turned had into one of frantic hands and needy lips as clothes were shed and all too many lines were crossed with no hope of ever going back. Rey guessed she understood now, as Ben let down all his walls for her and they drank each other in as people denied water for days, that the line between love and hate could be a thin one indeed. If there even was a line.

Rey was in his arms, against his chest, and skin to skin with Ben Solo. Only Ben Solo would have been so desperate as to need this. Kylo Ren was supposed to never need anyone, but Ben Solo was another matter entirely. For this, Rey was grateful.

It was not long before they stood amidst a heap of all their garments, and Ben was supporting her as she was, with her legs still around his waist, with one hand spread on her lower back and the other braced against the wall. Rey faltered when his mouth stopped moving against her jaw and throat, and his breath was washing over her in short bursts instead.

Rey dared to open her eyes, and was struck to see him raking his eyes over every piece of skin he could see. Ben froze under her hands when he spied the kyber crystal, and she could feel the mix of surprise, disbelief, and raging _want_ practically roll off him. Slowly, she moved one of her hands from clutching his shoulder to move his head so their eyes met. Gently, she brushed his hair away from where it had fallen in front of his stormy gaze, and traced his scar as she had before. Though the tension in his body lessened at her unspoken reassurance, that mix of fury and vengeance in his eyes as he took in her new markings did not. Holding him tight, she pulled herself up to meet him again, kissing him slowly at first, then letting him set the pace as she wound her arms around his shoulder.

Ben gladly pressed their bodies flush together, drinking her in, and tentatively moving his hips against hers again. Rey moaned when he rubbed against her, impatience scorching her body at every stroke of contact. When Ben found that she only tightened her legs around him, he moved with growing urgency, seeking to find purchase.

Rey’s body turned to putty in his arms when Ben partially entered her at last, still unerring gentle in his actions. He was breathing hard, his mouth pressed against her throat, and her one hand was knotted in his hair. It did not pass her addled brain’s notice that Ben was shaking in her arms, and his mind was wild against hers. Rey moved herself lightly in his hold, the shift drawing him deeper and eliciting a throaty cry from the man in her arms. She grabbed hold of his stuttering consciousness, and pulled it against her own. Both were far beyond coherent thought at this point, but the action was sufficient.

The mutual need reflecting in each other’s minds was enough.

He raised his head to briefly meet her gaze before kissing her deeply again. Rey saw something fleeting in his eyes, something tender and consuming, but all thought of it escaped her mind when he slowly thrust up into her again with a low growl. White-hot pleasure sparked over the bond, and swept away all discernible barriers and boundaries. They did not break their kiss as he continued to surge into her bit by bit. It was when he had buried himself in her completely, both of them panting and moaning into each other’s ardent caresses and kisses, that he could not support them anymore, and fell to his knees with her firmly in his lap.

Rey barely noticed the change, lost completely in the breath-taking desire that swirled between their minds, blurring the lines between what was _her,_ and what was _him._ She did not care at all. Ben held her still for a moment, and both of them simply revelled in the sensation of the closeness they had achieved, beginning the relief that they had been clawing for. Gently, he tipped her back and lowered Rey onto their discarded clothes, and moved his way down her neck with his mouth, licking over every little welt he found.

Ben rocked his hips against hers with movements too small to jostle her, but more than enough to burn her with maddening friction. Rey could do nothing but lie on his cloak and let him run his hands and lips over her body wherever he could reach, as her mind was too overcome with his to do anything about it.

Or was it the other way around?

She could feel his outrage, and his pain as he made it personal mission to trace every red lesion on her skin with his fingers, his lips, or his tongue. Rey was softly crying out with every breath as a sensation akin to muted electricity sparked at every touch and stroke he administered. It was oddly cooling against her feverish skin, and continued for an imperceptible span of time. Rey did not mind, as the intense waves of want and ardour crashing over their bond was more than enough to earn her marvel.

Rey craved release, however, and just when she thought she was about to snap with the suspended and teased peak, Ben heaved himself against her, shifting her up on his cloak. She cried aloud at the feeling, and heard the end of Ben’s own groan before their lips clashed again. Ben had gripped the back of her head and was resting his weight on his other elbow. Rey clung to him shamelessly with her legs still tucked around his hips. Her back arched clean off the clothes when he thrust up into her with more urgency, bucking against him, and involuntarily digging her nails into his back.

Rey was unravelling fast with no place to escape the consuming heat of their collision. Her awareness was not entirely her own anymore, and her body was a live wire sparking against his. It was only a small consolation that she knew he was similarly losing his mind. It only served to build the sweet pressure in her very being further when Ben sighed her name against her lips, his thrusts becoming irregular and fervent.

It was unclear which of them bowed to the overpowering tension first, but when the waves crashed in full, it took them both, impassioned mouths fanatically meeting and hands clutching wherever they found hold.

Rey could not stop herself from breathing his name with every pant she took as the pleasure rippled through her body and mind, tearing her apart and leaving her bare. She did not feel vulnerable in Ben’s arms, however, as he collapsed to her side and pulled her against his chest. They still reached for each other, hands seeking to bring the other as close as possible.

Arms and legs entangled as entirely as their minds had, and still were, as the sheen of sweat cooled on both of them. Ben moved only to wrap his cloak around them both, then the only motion was that of their breathing.

Rey felt content, and though it scared her, she knew she was not alone in both feelings. There was no escaping the blanket of sleep that hounded her, but she did not fear it while being where she was now.

Ben Solo had been desperate indeed and although Rey was averse to admitting it, while she was with Ben like this, she was most certainly desperate too.

 


	43. Salvation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, one more of the Snippets enters the main story!

**_Chapter 43: Salvation_ **

Rey was not often caught disconcerted or thrown, but when she awoke in the morning, she was abashed to admit that she could not quite discern where she ended, and Ben Solo began. His presence hung heavy and content in her mind, and her own consciousness was comfortably wrapped in his.

Her body and mind felt as if the Malachor incident had never happened. It was a thing of the distant past, utterly eclipsed by last night.

Slowly, Rey managed to lift the weighty fog of an all-consuming sleep off of her senses, and in the process was faced with feeling Ben in her mind at every turn. Was it even her mind he was in? Or the other way around? Again, Rey was at a complete loss. Ben Solo however, was still deep, dreamless sleep, and Rey was alone with her own thoughts, wherever her thoughts were.

His thoughts were of her, and charged with awe.

Happy.

Then there were more. Thoughts of his mother, Chewie, Poe…And Han.

Those were tinged with regret, and longing. A bitter, bitter yearning that left her speechless.

Rey dared to delve into his surface emotions, and felt a joy there that she recognised from his younger self, long ago, when Rey had called him ‘her Ben.’

Her Ben.

Her Ben, with his arms and legs curling her against him after sharing a night of the utmost intimacy. The thought made her stomach flip, and a pleasant buzz well in her chest.

Neither of them had suffered a Force terror last night, knotted with each other as they were.

She was warm. So warm and at ease, all Rey wanted to do was join Ben in sleep once more. Rey was not so far gone as to be oblivious of the way their bodies were interwoven from last night’s antics. Nor was she so far gone as to not feel appropriately bashful at the memories. They had fought as per usual, yes, but the ending of the battle was far from what Kylo Ren and Captain Rey typically sought from each other. Kylo Ren had failed to show in full, and Ben had been unable to fuel the façade for long. Last night’s meeting had been all just Ben Solo and just Rey, and just the beginning of what they wanted of the other.

Rey’s breath caught in her throat.

What they wanted of the other? They wanted _each other_.

Should she rather have felt shame? Rey felt that shame was the last thing in either of their minds this morning. She so desperately wanted to savour this peace, and just exist in this moment. It felt so near to what she imagined perfect could be. Whatever this would mean for them, she could not deny that this…This felt _good._

However, her practical side knew this calm was not to last. Ben Solo would wake up, and have to be Kylo Ren once more, and she would have to hunt him down as Captain Rey. One night wouldn’t change that, Rey reflected bitterly.

One night, however, was a start.

Was it so bad to crave more than just the one night?

With an internalised sigh, Rey started working through the currents of her psyche to try and unstitch herself from Ben. To be perfectly honest, Rey found that it was rather difficult to disentangle one’s mind from another’s when your body, too, was thoroughly entwined with theirs.

Not that she minded, she had ached for him for so long without accepting it. Being in his arms affirmed that, while she chose to not explore these feelings mixing in her heart, she could accept that she did not only feel care for Ben Solo. She burned with a frightening passion.

Ripping her focus from the warm body breathing steadily against her, Rey found faint currents of blue, grey and red. It was honestly strange for Rey to look at their Force Signatures like this and have to try determine whose was whose. But if it was the safest way to do so without waking him, then it would have to do.

Rey had a stroke of luck when a wisp of blue- more a gunmetal grey- moved towards her searching consciousness. Very well then, blue-grey for her, red for Ben, darker grey for her, red for Ben, Rey chanted as she worked through the Force signatures, separating their minds. This worked well, she found, until one stubborn piece of blue refused to join her own, but happily went along with the rest of Ben’s red tendrils. The same held true for a handful more. Some were just flecks, others were full strings. Rey could not help but stop her work and marvel at what was quickly forming into a recognisable single signature. What remained tangled of the two finally unravelled by themselves and joined their respective wholes.

Rey was left speechless, still very much present in Ben’s mind, simply marvelling at what was now his Force presence. It was still overwhelmingly red, but there where specks of light that had never been there before in all the time since Rey had first intruded on his thoughts in that interrogation chamber.

Perhaps just one night truly did start something after all, Rey thought, an unfamiliar feeling settling in her stomach and making her anxious. If Rey was being honest with herself again, she had to admit she was relieved that Ben was still fast asleep. She needed to leave _immediately._

Caught in a fit of urgency, and pushing that frightening, fluttering feeling aside, she gently coaxed her limbs free of Ben’s own, and instantly missed the contact. _Force_ Rey feared she had made a terrible mistake. She shuddered to think what Master Luke would say. Or worse, General Leia. Rey did not want to know what Han Solo was thinking right this moment. It was simply not worth the extra unsettling feelings layering onto her already queasy gut.

She froze then, the gravity of the situation dawning on her as her eyes fell on Ben’s sleeping face.

_Fracking Maz Kanata._

Rey knew she was in for it. If Maz didn’t call her out, Poe most definitely would. She struggled to get her breathing under control, but when she did, dread settled in her gut.

She was positively _stuffed._ Royally karked. What had she expected would come of sleeping with the person the _entire Galaxy_ still saw as Kylo Ren?

Frack!

Rey got dressed as quietly as she could, but stopped short when she noticed the silvery scars criss-crossing her body where yesterday there had been thick, angry red cuts and welts. Try as she did, and really she did try, to stop the memories from last night, Rey couldn’t help but be taken back to Ben’s hands tracing every gash, every mark, and every cut or insignificant nick on her body. His touch had been electric and with this new evidence Rey now doubted that it was completely due to her personal reaction to him…

Oh Force help her.

Her eyes pricked as she looked at her body. The marks were considerably less than they were the day before. He had healed her to the point of almost renewing her skin completely…

Rey quickly yanked herself from that thought path and hurriedly threw on her leggings and undershirt, forgoing her boots, opting instead to simply bundle them up and leave as soon as possible. She could stay. She couldn’t.

This would have worked perfectly, Rey knew, if only her lightsaber was not lying on the other side of the room, just behind a still-slumbering Ben Solo.

Rey flinched slightly as Ben groaned in his sleep, grasping his cloak in his fist and reaching for someone who wasn’t there anymore. Rey held her breathe until he relaxed, too fearful that any sound or movement from this point on would surely wake him.

Once Ben was still again, Rey gently reached out with the Force and ever so slowly lifted her lightsaber towards her. The act was tense, Rey was not going to lie. Her control of the Force was far from steady, and even though she felt incredibly restored again, she knew she should not be too taxing-or trusting- of her ability just yet.

Relief flooded Rey’s system when she felt the cold metal grasped in her fingers, and she quickly turned her heel to make her escape.

‘Quickly’, of course, was completely relative to Rey. Particularly when a part of her, and quite a large part at that, still terribly wanted to crawl back into Ben Solo’s arms. Galaxy be damned… Galaxy be fracking _karked._

Her eyes stung again as she took in his face, relaxed bar for a little crease now that he no longer had someone pressed against his chest, and tucked in his embrace. He looked so peaceful. His black curls were mostly out of his face, save for the stubborn two or three waves that insisted on falling over his eyes. He had the faintest hint of a smile on his full lips. Lips that had chased away all of Rey’s fear and hell…Oh, Force… Rey swallowed the heavy lump in her throat.

If that was how Ben looked when he slept without assailment or fear thereof, if _that_ was how he looked while unbothered by the universe…Rey would not let him be taken by the First Order. She refused. He still had so much goodness and Light in him, he just needed to accept it for himself. Frack that, Rey would make him accept it.

Sweet Force she wanted to hold his face in her hands again and kiss that frown away.

This was not, however, what Rey let herself do as the reality of the situation set in. She still had a job to finish, and would most likely be given another the moment she set foot on D’Qar. He would have to do the same. She could not stay, and that was just the aching fact of the situation. She only prayed he would remain asleep.

Rey’s heart stuttered when she realised she may have just made a very, very painful mistake…But then why couldn’t she bring herself to regret it?

With a final deep breath, she turned and carefully made her way towards the small ramp.

Rey couldn’t help but think to herself that this time around, she would have to think up a lie as to why she _didn’t_ have any scars, and why some seemed to have vanished completely. It was only by focussing on this banal thought that Rey ever managed to leave the ship despite the sudden feeling of a steady gaze on her back, and a last minute, lingering feeling of longing giving a final, weak tug on her mind.

She ran then.

Rey ran straight down the ramp, and was relieved to find the walkways relatively empty in the early morning. Barefoot would do, oh, barefoot would do all the way back to her own ship. She didn’t stop till she was safely aboard and priming the vessel for takeoff.

Bless these Outer Rim planets for their fluid jump windows and flexible schedules.

Rey needed to get away, and the jump to hyperspace for D’Qar would not come quick enough…And D’Qar was so, so far away. She felt a fluttering against her mind again, and promptly brought all her walls crashing down.

There was no stopping the guilt that twisted in her gut just as effectively as if she had stabbed herself with a vibrodagger and spun the hilt. She let the ugly shame wash over her and rip her up inside as she pulled the ship into hyperspace. She deserved it. What she had just done was cruel, but it was necessary… Rey had been scared- petrified- and she had fled.

It would only have hurt more to say goodbye.

That did not excuse it at all, and only served to make her feel worse.

She had run away from the man who had, for a moment, pulled her together, and she wasn’t sure what part of the whole experience terrified her the most. Was it the part where she enjoyed it, the part where she craved to have him again, or the part where she would have gladly left the known Galaxy behind had he woken up and asked her right then to do so, with him?

Most likely a mix of all three.

That, and the unfamiliar feeling the sight of his serene face had stirred up within her.

She regretted leaving. What if he had woken up and wanted to come home? What if she had just _failed_ him? Well, frack her, apparently, because she was halfway to the core worlds when this thought decided to cross her mind. It hadn’t taken much to toss her head and heart into disarray once more. The formula seemed to be Ben Solo with a dash of distance on the side. Quite possibly a pinch of detrimental errors for flair. Sure, she had seen his mind. Hell, their very consciousness’s had practically merged. She _knew_ he was not about to jump ship just yet, but that did not stop her from wondering. It was that infernal doubt in his mind though, that festering, growing _suspicion_ of the First Order that had Rey’s heart bursting at the seams with untold trepidation.

But did she have to feel so fracking _unburdened_ after all of this, in spite of the guilt and quite possibly having made a _nother mistake?_

A small part of herself reassured her that if she felt more at peace, then she must have done s _omething_ right. Rey wrote it off as euphoria. She had, after all, just slept with a man. A man she cared about more than she found room to admit.

Ben. She had given herself to Ben Solo. _Her_ Ben…

Oddly, the more she thought about it, the quieter her heart became. Her mind, on the other hand, was going ballistic with wayward worries and not truly coming to any clear conclusion.

Rey argued herself in circles all the way back to D’Qar, and disembarked the _Sparrow_ with no less guilt than when she had run onto it, leaving Ben Solo behind.

Abandoning him.

Rey’s breath came short at that, and she ran to her quarters, ducking and skirting to make sure no one saw her.

She knew that this was no fairytale. There would be no glittering ending, or happily ever after. This was a war. This was reality, and the Galaxy was as cruel as the Force was unforgiving. They most that she could ever hope for was that they would come out the other end alive. Leia didn’t have monopoly when it came to the Resistance. She was merely the General. She governed the army. She could do very little for her son outside of the war, the handful of Senators who were left would make sure of that.

And he was a criminal in their eyes, a dangerous force that needed to be quelled. Rey was not entirely sure that they didn’t view her with the same suspicion.

No, there would be no magnificent ending to this, as far as Rey was concerned. And she was concerned with Ben.

Out of nowhere, tears blurred her vision when she ran those last few steps into her quarters and to her room, throwing her saber, her leather satchel, and her boots to the side, leaving her in only leggings and a loose overshirt. Then, Rey climbed onto her bed and curled into a ball at the head of it, winding her arms around her pillow. She pressed her burning face into the soft material, angry at herself for all she had done, and trying to force back the offending film of salty water brimming behind her eyelids.

She would not be able get the feeling of Ben Solo off her skin, nor did she want to. She did not regret what they had done. It had felt natural, it had felt good. Rey did, however, regret leaving him and were she able to back, she would.

Force help her she knew she would.

If the eventuality of this battle was to be as bleak as it seemed, her staying with him would not have made a different. But it was far too late now. As a hot tear leaked from beneath her clenched lids, Rey prayed to anything that would hear that he did not hate her after this.

As strained as Rey was, she had not heard anyone enter till a soft, aged voice called out her name.

Rey lurched up to see Maz Kanata standing at the foot of her bed, a medkit in one hand and a cup of steaming caffa in the other. Her face was tenderly inquiring, and it changed to alarm when she saw Rey hurriedly swipe away the tear.

It was no use, more just replaced the ones she dried, and she could not stop them.

Rey supposed that one person could only ever take so much before it overflowed. The visual thought made her want to laugh, and she was sure Maz was confused at the shaky smile that cracked Rey’s face as her tears silently rolled down her cheeks, despite her fervent fingers brushing them away.

The little woman clambered up onto the bed, and sat cross-legged opposite Rey, who was now sitting in the same position, her pillow still in her arms, but resting on her folded legs. Maz put the caffa on the footlocker at the foot of the bed and dropped the medkit between them before taking hold of Rey’s hands and pulling them from her face.

“Rey…Oh Rey what _happened?_ I heard where they sent you, and I assure you that neither of them will receive a bigger scolding in all the rest of their lives…Rey…”

But Rey was shaking her head, choking on the fiery lump in her throat.

“It’s not- It- I-” Rey was shaking, her hands tightly clenched in Maz’s. “ _Ben.”_

Maz’s eyes widened, but she did not look shocked. She only looked concerned, and ever so slightly aggrieved.

“What about Ben, dear?” she asked softly, gently rubbing Rey’s hands with her own, “You can always talk to me…”

Rey hesitated, unsure what she could even say. There was a difference between telling someone of your cavorting with the supposed enemy, and telling them you _slept_ with him. She tried to pull her hands back to wipe away the sweltering tears that were only falling faster, but Maz wouldn’t let her.

“It’s okay to cry, Rey. Let it fall.”

That did it. That made Rey catch her breath in a sob. She didn’t pay much mind to the shuffling that sounded outside her room, the sound a fleeting one.

Rey didn’t know why, but when the words came bubbling from her quivering lips, she started right back at the beginning.

All the way from being in his mind after Starkiller and discovering the existence of a _bond,_ to the clandestine training illusions, and all he had shared with her. She told Maz of how he regretted Poe’s torture and how he missed him, how he missed everyone. Then Rey told her about how she coerced him into showing her Darker powers, and how he had not used them against her thereafter at all.

Rey babbled over how he had helped her on Yavin Four, how they had spent their time on Cato Neimoidia, and how she had been so unwilling to leave. She was surprised that Maz understood her at all when the words fell from her lips in jagged sobs over what happened on Dromund, and how she just could not hate him in spite of her best efforts.

The words tore through her, utterly unstoppable. Rey would not have been able to belay them now if she tried.

Maz had let her hands go when Rey got to what happened on Hoth, and how she had let Ben go on Utapau…What had happened in his fighter between them. Rey clenched the pillow then, feeling how it was gradually soaking up the tears that ran down her face in abundance now.

When she told Maz of their fighting arrangement, she was surprised to see that the little woman showed no aversion to it, but remained attentive with a sympathetic air. It certainly made it easier to tell her of how she had run from ben when their dynamic had changed before Malachor. It made it easier to tell Maz _about_ Malachor, and how she had foolishly responded to Ben’s call thereafter.

What still remained hard to choke out was what had happened when she had met him on Mygeeto.

Rey shuddered to silence, swallowing heavily. Maz reached forward and placed her hands over Rey’s where they were knotted in the cover of her pillow. Rey kept her eyes fixed on the rust-coloured knuckles of Maz’s hands as she willed herself to continue speaking.

“-We f-fought, as usual. But it was different. He was different, I was… He had felt _everything,_ Maz,” she breathed, “Everything that had happened to me on Malachor…He had-he…We were never truly fighting. Never, not really, I guess…Didn’t realise it, didn’t want to-“

She took a deep breath, stuttering over it as Maz nodded to her reassuringly.

“-Then he- He kissed me again, when I couldn’t fight anymore,” Rey’s voice broke, falling to a whisper that it didn’t recover from, “I let- I wanted to. I don’t know if-If either of us came there in the mind, knowingly or not, to do what we…What we did…”

Rey cast Maz a pleading look, but it was unnecessary. The woman was without judgment. It gave Rey the last push she needed to spit the words out in a hoarse breath, “We slept together, Maz-“

Her eyes grew larger, if that was even possible with the way they were magnified already, and Rey laughed breathlessly at the sight, feeling unusually light at having thrown everything that was in her heart out into the open.

But Maz did not look angry. Shell-shocked, certainly, but far, far from outraged or anything akin to it.

Rey was smiling now, but there were still dregs of tears dribbling down her cheeks after she wiped away the old ones.

“W-We…I doubt either of us thought it would happen. It just did…And it felt _good,_ Maz. It felt _right…”_

It had.

“And then I went and _left_ him there when I woke up, running scared of what I would have to face…Too afraid of the goodbye…I-I…”

Maz saw fit to chip in then, “You did nothing wrong, Rey. It’s okay to run every now and then. Healthy, even. It shows that you feel, you hurt, you need…Just like the rest of us.”

“But what will he think… Maz I wanted to stay and now-“

“He will survive, Rey. And he’ll come right back to you. If he hasn’t been able to stay away from you by now, he never will…” Maz pursed her lips quizzically for a moment, gently massaging Rey’s hands and calming her down, then peeked at her gleefully from behind her thick goggles. “While having sex with him wasn’t the smartest move with the war still ongoing, my inner romantic is thoroughly enjoying it, I’m unashamed to say, and,” she gave pause for a beat, her brow cocking with mischief, “It’s not like his parents were any better. Or yours for that matter…Come to think of it, both your grandparents and Ben’s grandparents are also guilty as sin,” Maz grinned wickedly, “Must run in the families.”

Rey laughed at that, and the sound was not as hollow as her laughs usually were lately. She felt _better._

“-And to be frank, I don’t know when _else_ you two would get the chance, so…” Maz chuckled along with her before pinning Rey with a tender, bittersweet gaze while Rey’s tears slowly ebbed. “-I take it you’re feeling slightly more at ease with yourself now?”

Rey nodded quickly, her eyes falling to the blankets.

“I don’t know what this is Maz, but I do know I’m not going to let Snoke ruin him.”

Certainly, what she felt for Ben Solo was more than compassion and ran far deeper than base lust, but Rey could only sort through so much, and those foreign twists in her heart and mind would have to wait.

She had to make sure he lived, first.

“That’s all good and well, but you need to _know_ where you stand…”

When Maz trailed off, Rey flicked her eyes back up. Dread seized her entire body when she saw the little woman’s saucer-like eyes staring in mild alarm at the entryway to her room.

Rey turned slowly, fear making her cold from head to toe.

She actually felt like falling flat on the bed with relief when she saw a mildly abashed Poe standing with his hand fisted in the jacket of an exceptionally aghast Finn, most likely stopping him from running out of the room.

Neither, however, looked irate to any degree, and this somewhat reassured Rey.

“Well,” Poe said, his voice slightly strangled, and high-pitched with shock, “we both heard everything…” he looked between the two of them, gaze resting on Rey, “ _Everything.”_

Rey gulped heavily and nodded.

The tension that remained in her body immediately fled when he cracked an easy smile.

“Now repeat after me,” he cleared his throat, “I am so glad that my dearest friends, Poe and Finn, were the ones to overhear this juice, and not my Jedi Master, nor my potential General Mother-In-Law.”


	44. Replete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !IMPORTANT!  
>  I am sorry to say that my Fine Arts degree is kidnapping me for full-day Design Indaba seminars for the next three days.  
> If I get a chapter up during that time it will only be by an act of all the planets in the universe aligning, as I'll only be home in time to maybe sleep a tad before the next day starts :(  
> I'm so sorry guys! But I promise that this weekend will be another yummy one, mkay?

**_Chapter 44: Replete_ **

Ben was back on Korriban, and sitting in an archival room that was devoid of all other people, for the time being at least.

This suited him just fine. He had more than enough on his mind. More specifically, he had more than enough of _one thing_ on his mind.

Rey.

He was not angry at her, nor did he blame her for running away. All he had felt was hurt, and it still ached in his chest. At first, he had berated himself for daring to think she would ever want to stay. Then, he could not stop the flood of memories from the night that only proved the contrary. Rey had definitely reciprocated his feelings; that had been glaringly clear with her mind as bared and open to his as it had been. Ben had barely been able to hold himself together when he had become aware of that.

And yet she had left him.

He had felt her fear as she had fled out of the hold, and at first all he could do was stare after her, silently begging her to come back. Then he had felt pain bleed through his body, and more so when she shut him out of her own mind. When the initial feelings had subsided, he knew he would not be able to blame her at all.

Rey was wiser than he was.

Ben knew she was not going to join him in the First Order, and he knew she had most likely felt his similar stance on the Resistance.

He knew he would have been unable to let her go had he been awake when she was. It embittered him, but he knew she was right to leave. This did not, however, make what they had done any _less_ than what it was.

Ben rested his forehead in the hand that was propped on the table.

Force…

He had slept with her. There was no going back from that at all. She had affected him with a mere kiss on Hoth. Now… Now he was lost to her. He would never be able to forget what it felt like to _have_ her, after so long of needing her, and he would not be able to shake the dreadful longing it had incited in him.

For her, for what she stood for, and for all she had.

Ben knew he didn’t deserve any of it. Not her, not her care or passion. None of it.

Yet she had been just as desperate as he had been.

He was scared to think she felt anything more for him than a mix of kindness and lust, but he knew her mind had reflected so much more. It tore him up inside that they were just one more thing that would not end well, not in this climate. If she was not with the First Order, she was against it, and Snoke would surely kill her.

As much as he wanted her to turn, equally so did he not want to lose any part of Rey that made her _Rey._ Especially after what they had done. Ben had positively revelled in her, and her Light, so lost was he in her. And he had _enjoyed_ it. Frack he had enjoyed it. He had taken pleasure in every part of Rey. Her tenacity, her will, her joy, and every sound she had made as he had explored her. And the kyber crystal, _his_ kyber crystal, hanging around her neck? Rey thrilled him at every turn, and he was utterly in awe of her. Ben couldn’t bare for her to change, nor did he want her to. It was tantamount to sacrilege that he would let his mind consider the temptations of the Light. But he did, and it was a genuinely tantalising prospect.

Rey had dug her fingers into every part of him that he had ever tried to suppress, and dragged them out into the open, fostering them to strength. How could he deny it, when the sight of her body marked as it had been by the Vong had pushed him to _heal,_ not out of anger or any inflammatory emotion as such, but _want_ to make her whole while she tried to hide from the brokenness she had felt.

He had healed her, and healing was no power of the Dark, his fumbled attempts from before had proven that.

Could he truly embrace the Light again? Would it even be _possible?_ Would all the people he had betrayed even be willing to-

Ben froze as his thought process was interrupted by the feeling of a cool vibrodagger pressed against his throat. Though it shifted along his jugular at its wielder kicked Ben’s chair around, no blood was drawn. Yet.

He did come to face Jayal, after all, so Ben knew that bloodletting was coming. Nevertheless, he showed no fear.

“Now,” she hissed, her voice only vaguely veiling the mix of fury and determination that ran through it, “You complain, I cut you, you lie to me, I cut you. You resist, and I cut you deeper. Understand?”

Ben cocked a brow at her, “Well then let me spare you the trouble of speaking at all, and simply tell you to cut me.”

Jayal snorted at him, and he barely managed to refrain himself from throwing her off when she straddled him. Unfortunately, that blade was pushed rather hard against a particularly dangerous spot.

“What kind of fun would _that_ be, oh fearless leader,” she sneered.

“Get off me, Jayal. I’m not in the mood for this-“

“Oh but you never are-“

“Nor will I ever be.”

Ben didn’t so much as flinch when she nicked him under his chin. Cut one.

“Hmm, that little schutta wouldn’t have anything to do with it, would she?”

He made a mistake when he felt his eyes tense.

Jayal shifted herself on his lap, and he strained away from her, keeping a careful grip on the armrests of the chair. She would not hesitate to kill him if he tried to do away with her, and she had the upper hand.

“So,” she snarled, evidently reading what was plainly displayed in his eyes, “You _did_ go take a trip with your little pet-“ He felt a new sting where the blade broke his skin again, and this time she did not move the blade. “-was it fun?” She leant close to whisper, an obvious warning in her voice, “Did you break her, nice and good?”

It honestly took all of Ben’s willpower to keep himself from retaliating when she ground her hips against him where she sat in accompaniment to her words. The blade was digging deeper, and he kept his eyes fixed on the door beyond her. He would not give her the satisfaction of a physical reaction.

“Never pegged you for a Jedi-whore kind of person. But I guess I should have picked it up when you ignored the other Zabrak we had in our number before. You know, the girl who was throwing you side-eyes?”

“You mean the one you killed, because of your status as a deluded, sick creature?”

“Yes,” she used the knife to force Ben to look at her, “And I guess there’s just one more woman on my hit list now, eh?”

“I’m afraid yours s _till_ won’t be the embrace I run to.”

She clicked her tongue, gripping his hair and yanking him back so that the full length of his throat was exposed. Slowly, she trailed the dagger’s point up and down his skin

“You let that schutta have you, I can smell it on you,” she hissed, “And I told you, didn’t I? You are mine to play with.”

“Again, I’m not a toy, Jayal,” his patience was running thin, and this was dangerous ground, but Ben was incensed now, “Again, I won’t be yours. And yes, I _let her have me,_ and it was completely willingly.”

He still did not look her in the eyes, knowing that she would find vulnerability there to press on where Rey was concerned, but he did not have to look at her to know she was baited. She was positively quivering in fury.

Ben took a breath before continuing.

“Jayal, I know you’d just love to dig your talons in and play. You’ve told me so since day one. But everyone knows what you do to your _pets._ You use them, then you toss them. So spare me the depravity and kindly press that vibrodagger just a little harder-“

“Rather not, please-“

Ben’s eyes widened at Hux’s sudden voice.

Jayal made an indignant noise at the intrusion.

“This temple is abhorrent enough as it is without new blood stains joining the old. And if I have to hear one more new ghost story join the others, I think I’ll suffer a coronary. One that’ll most like result in everyone else’s death too.”

Jayal shifted to glare at Hux from over her shoulder, “Do you mind? I’m a little busy.”

“On the contrary, accost the man all you want. Just wait until he’s done his job first.”

Ben had never been as appreciative of the taciturn general till he was walking down the temple corridor by Hux’s side, Jayal no longer on- or anywhere close- to his person.

“I knew your ilk were perverse but that truly is something new to add to the list of things I’ve seen in this damned crypt,” Hux muttered.

“Tell me General, would it still cause a coronary if I gave you my thanks, rather than my blood decorating the halls?”

Ben did not miss the look of disbelief that crossed Hux’s face, “It might just, but we’ll have to see just how far your insanity goes, what with something as foreign as ‘thanks’ coming out of your mouth.”

After several moments of walking in silence, Hux spoke again.

“How _did_ you survive with people like them?” Oddly enough, there was no malice or sarcasm in his voice. Just curiosity.

Ben inclined his head as they rounded the corner. It seemed Hux was leading them to the militant hanger.

“I kept my lightsaber turned on.”

Hux struck him speechless by laughing, and continued to do so till they boarded the _Finalizer._

“Tell me, General, why did you so graciously save me from molestation?” Ben asked once Hux’s uncharacteristic mirth had died down.

“Well, Supreme Leader Snoke has given the go ahead for the attack on Dxun. Unfortunately, it will take time to arrange, as we can’t afford to disrupt our allied planets.”

“So,” Ben sighed, “It’s a small-force mission? And I’m guessing you want a lightsaber at the helm.”

Hux nodded, “The girl will undoubtedly be there, as you can well imagine-“

Thank the Force Hux was not as perceptive as Jayal.

“-So yes, an equal combatant would be preferable. Snoke has also sent word that whichever Knights are on hand must join in, and take the place of, say, a squad.”

Ben snorted derisively, “He assumes too much of them.”

“Oh let’s hope so.” At Ben’s lofted brows, Hux hurriedly added, “I detest them more than I do you.”

Ben opened his mouth with the aim of saying something sarcastic, and trademark of their usual working dynamic.

Hux raised his hand to belay him, “Repeat that, and I will deny it. Say one more word about it, and I’ll change my mind.”

Ben nodded once to Hux, a smirk dancing on his lips, and anticipation building in his gut.

So, Jayal and Banor would be on Dxun then? In the midst of a battle?

How interesting.

The only thing that frightened Ben about it was the Rey would most likely be there too. If either Knights caught wind of it, they would do their best to claim her, and kill her. Banor would aim to ‘finish the job’, and Jayal would make a full blown show of it.

The prospect petrified him, and he knew he would spend the entire fight keeping a close eye on both his subordinates, second only to looking for her.

Rey.

A small part of him was terrified that she would not react well to him at all after Mygeeto, but that part was far outweighed by the overwhelming necessity of keeping her safe. If doing so would rid him of Jayal and Banor, it was just one more reason.

He had never really enjoyed taking life, but by the Force, he would _rejoice_ when he wrung the life out of those two terrors.

***

Rey supposed that life truly was full of surprises, just as much as it was filled with expectations.

She knew she would receive a new mission, sure. It had been no shock when word had arrived that Leia had directive for her. What was an astonishment of note, that she could never have expected, was that she’d be sitting on her bed, playing pazaak with Finn and Poe, with them trading positively _lecherous_ comments to and fro about her ‘fraternising with the enemy.’

In truth, this did come after a lot of discreet yelling, arguing, and one marathon of an inquisition session.

The look on Poe’s face had been nothing short of heart-breaking when Rey had answered his questions on Ben, and affirmed that, yes, he missed them all. Finn had watched on in abject shock, struggling to take all this new information in, before he finally found traction and started asking questions of his own.

Finn had been slightly wounded at first, but felt somewhat better when he realised Rey had kept it from all of them, and Poe and Maz were the exceptions due to circumstance. Then, naturally, he had been angry.

‘Why didn’t Rey tell Leia? Leia should know that her son wasn’t all bad!’

Of course, his mind soon changed when Poe and Rey explained how it could potentially affect the General, and make her lose her much-needed focus.

Finn’s tune very quickly changed to ‘Don’t tell Leia, we’ll let her know when there’s less death on the agenda.’

Then, of course, had come the disbelief at the training. Finn was only too happy, saying that since Choke saved him, he couldn’t really fault her for keeping herself in both loops. Neither saw the difference between Dark and Light. If it was a Force power, it was a Force power. Same thing, different purposes.

Rey was overwhelmed by their willingness to understand.

When it got to the more intimate parts, however, Rey was less inclined to answer, but they got it out of her anyway.

Now, here she sat. Playing pazaak with two snickering gizka.

Force, she adored them.

They quickly held their tongues when Rey was called, however, but fell right back into step when she returned; Rey having been told that Dxun was picking up strange activity, and was requesting reinforcements.

Apparently ‘Kylo Ren’ was mentioned in the ‘strange activity’.

Apparently, Finn and Poe found this utterly hilarious, and spent the rest of their free time jibing her over ‘intimacy on the battlefield’.

It was when Rey was sitting in the troop transport amongst men who didn’t really seem to trust her that the fear and apprehension began to set in.

Ben was spotted in the enemy numbers. Ben would most likely be on Dxun if an attack happened. Rey’s gut twisted horribly at the thought, the raw nerves making her taste metal and feel slightly ill.

How could she face him after what she had done? How would he react?

Would he reject her, or would he reach for her as Maz was so certain he would?

The possibilities were too wide and some too terrible for her to consider, and she was halfway aching for him, and halfway dreading to see him, all the while she was in the transport.

Rey was scared, because Maz was right. It was not a smart thing that they had done, and it would change their dynamic for good.

What filled Rey with anxiety was the uncertainty of _which_ way it had been altered.


	45. Apostate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm BAAAACK  
> Thank you guys for all the amazing support where the Design Indaba conference was concerned (And lemme tell you it was amazing. Imogen Heap is an absolute darling, and so many of the other speakers have earned little places in my heart and aspirations now too)  
> And I may or may not have spent my long busrides listening to reylo-y music to and from the convention figuring out who exactly is gonna die when the finale comes around. long story short I now know. BUT THAT'S IRRELEVANT! ^.^"
> 
> Anyhoo, without further ado:

**_Chapter 45: Apostate_ **

Rey’s men were skittish enough as it was when they landed on the forest moon Dxun, and the raging thunderstorm was doing nothing to comfort them. It had been a rough re-entry, as their transport had been hit by enemy fire, and it was by the sheer skill of their pilot that they had landed safely at all. It was clear to Rey that the Resistance outpost was in all likelihood already overrun, or else very near to it.

The space battle overhead was a rough one indeed, and though the Finalizer was not among enemy ships, Rey did not take this to mean that Ben would not be on the moon.

“Cap?”

Rey snapped her gaze to the soldier that had called her, a small frown still on her forehead.

It was Rem, her tracker for the day.

At least that man was one of the few people in her squad who didn’t look at her like she was doom incarnate, and it made her incredibly happy to see him back on his feet and rearing to go.

He was looking at her with a kind face that bore a questioning expression. Unlike most of the others, Rem was excited, even with the raindrops pelting his face and rolling down his cheeks.

“Right,” Rey cleared her throat, “Listen up everyone, since we’re a ways from our target we’re going to need to change our plans a bit. The enemy has pushed their lines further in than we projected, so I’m going to need two scouts to power up their stealth units and check the path that Rem here-“ She gestured at him and his navigational gear while two of her scouts stepped forward. One was begrudging, and the other had pushed him. Rey elected to ignore that, “-will provide. Preferably one that keeps us out of any ambush spots or open air.”

Rey said that last part to Rem, and he nodded while tapping on his datapad.

As he was busy, Rey flicked her gaze over all the soldiers who were scrapping the downed transport for essentials, or simply waiting for command. The rain beat down on them, and they were all rather soaked already. About a third of them looked either indifferent, or fairly at ease. The rest were a foreboding mix of frustrated, disgruntled, downcast, or plain resentful. Pushing her own hurt at the hostility aside, Rey only hoped that it wouldn’t cause any issues resulting in unnecessary death. Losing her men was simply not an option.

Rem pulled up a holo of the path he had mapped, and transferred it to the scouts.

It reassured her to know that somewhere in that mess of blue signifying forest, Finn and Myri were in a squad together, and looking out for each other. Also drenched. Rey knew that Luke was on the moon as well, having been joining more and more fights while she was out scouring wild space and mostly unmapped planets. That, however, only served to make her heart clench. She missed him. Despite their disagreements, Rey knew they had shared many good moments, and while he would never really be a father figure or true master to her, Luke had still taken a place in her heart as a guardian. The few flashes of her younger years had only amplified that fact, even though she had ignored it at the time.

Rey knew that while she and Luke may never really agree on most things, she still cared for him as her guardian and friend. She was reluctantly aware of how deeply he cared for her. Why else react to her decisions so? Naturally he feared her fall. He had loved his nephew, and as far as Rey knew, she acted a lot like Ben did before he deserted Yavin Four. To Luke, he was watching history repeat itself, and was most likely too scared to want to invest himself further, lest she dissent too.

No matter, Rey would show him that she was not going to, but she knew she would have to talk to him first. So much had gone unsaid and open-ended where her training was concerned, she needed to let him know her decision and her stance. Luke would appreciate it.

“Your orders, Captain Kenobi?” the friendlier scout asked, the data all loaded up.

So, she sighed internally, Leia had made her name known. In all honesty, Rey kind of liked the way it sounded.

Rey coughed slightly, wiping rainwater from her eyes, “Alright, can I have everyone’s attention? Right here, that’s good, now,” she made sure all eyes were on her then looked to the scouts, “You two have ten minutes to run as far down that path as you can, and back. Tell me if you see any potential ambush zones, or passable minefield locations, the usual. The second you see a Stormtrooper or Elite, you hightail it back here and let me know where they were and which direction they were headed in. Do not engage, understood?” At their nods, she turned to the others, jumping with them as a particularly load crack of lightning and nigh simultaneous thunder tore the sky above them. “The rest of us will take cover in the downed transport for now. I want four to join me on watch, any takers?”

Rey watched them with steady nerves as the scouts scuttled off, a dull hum rising then falling as they activated their stealth belts. Rem raised his blaster and stepped forward. Another, a woman, quickly joined him, grinning widely at both Rem and Rey. It was a while before two more stepped forwards, and Rey sent the rest inside.

Rem shook his head in disgust, “You should teach ‘em a lesson or two, Cap. They wouldn’t be disrespecting you like that if they knew you took no bull from ‘em.”

Rey nodding thoughtfully, unhooking her saber. The other three took positions around the transport.

“That _would_ be best, yes,” Rey acquiesced, “But it would also be what Kylo Ren was made to do to his men, and last I checked,” she smiled at the man, “We were the Resistance, not the First Order.”

Rem snorted, “Be that as it may, you saved my life Cap. If they knew-“

“If they knew my healing versus my devastation, which one do you think would be most likely to cause hype in any case? A person by themselves is a ration being. People are scared and jittery, clinging onto anything that will bring them together and therefore validate their panic.” Rey’s heart sunk at the truth in her own words. No matter what she did, they would still see the Force and be scared of it. She couldn’t really fault them there, though. The Force had been used for terrible things.

Rem sighed, “You’re right, Cap. You’re right. That kinda attitude is still gonna get ‘em killed if they’re not careful though.”

Rey shrugged, “And I’ll be doing my best to make sure that _doesn’t_ happen.”

He patted her on the shoulder before walking to his own post, and Rey honestly appreciated his easy affability.

All around her, the air roared with the din of thunder and rainfall. Though, it may have been explosions and blasterfire. There was smoke rising up above the thick canopy, only slightly visible through the hole in the greenery the ship had made. Every now and then a cannok or maalraas would dart from the matted fauna causing those on guard to jump. Thankfully, the creatures were somewhat skittish, most likely from the disruptions. It was a blessing that none of the larger beasts came out of the undergrowth. Rey knew from her archives that Dxun was home to an array of predators like zakkegs. Force only knows what else lurked on the surface or in its depths, brought there by Dxun’s many varied visitors.

It had not been ten minutes before the two scouts returned, powering through the downpour.

“Captain Kenobi! We have hostiles crossing the path due north, and heading towards our target with weapons primed-“

Rey breathed a sigh of relief. They hadn’t taken the base just yet.

“What kinds of troops?” Rey asked.

“Stormtroopers, ma’am. Only saw one of those, uh, Elite. The rest were normal troopers.”

She nodded a brusque affirmation then gestured for Rem to rally the sheltered troops.

“Thank you for your work, gentlemen. You may have rest if you so wish while we clear the path-“

“No thanks, Captain,” the one man interrupter her with a bright smile, and the other nodded, his eyes no longer unfriendly, “We’d like to help take out the scum.”

Rey was touched, and offered a grateful smile in return, “Thank you. At ease for now though.”

They expressed their thanks and huddled next to the tipped bulwark of the ship for moderate shelter along with all the others. Rey followed them and stood before the group.

She let her gaze meet all of theirs, fully aware that there was no use in trying to look dignified when looking like a half-drowned wamp-rat, before taking a deep breath and speaking.

“Well, ladies and gents,” Rey shook her head, sending water spraying from her hair into the rest of the torrential downpour, “We have our heading, and we have enemies on the path. Good news is that they still seem to be advancing on the base, so we’re still on track for our original target. Now, let’s go clear out that path-“ Thunder racked the air again, and the company flinched once more, looking at the rain with almost fearful apprehension. Rey ignited her saber, enjoying their slightly alarmed expressions at the way the water hissed and spluttered as it hit the blade and evaporated. “-So who’s up for a bit of a paddle?”

Rem humoured her by chuckling and walking towards the path the scouts had taken. Slowly but surely, some more of the group joined him. A large part still hung back, and he was about to yell at them when one of the women in the group rounded on them with a fury.

“Come on, you gits we don’t have all day, and I believe your Captain gave you an order!”

A few more darted from the transport, and Rey held up her hand when Rem made to interject.

“No, no. If they want to stay here then let them. Just so long as they feel _comfortable,”_ Rey pinned them all with the most piercing look she could manage, “with abandoning their fellow soldiers to possible death. Not to mention hanging by a crash site in the middle of a battle-,” she shrugged then, walking to point, “-Who knows when some of those Elite, or even Kylo Ren, might come have a _look._ Or maybe a zakkeg gets _hungry…”_ Rey trailed off, walking along with the squad behind her as Rem laughed.

She did not need to look back to know the rest of the squad had run to catch up. They took it slowly, but brisk, not wanting to linger but not wanting to be taken by surprise either. Rem’s data said that they were an hour’s hike away from the base, and the scouts had spotted an enemy group not even four minutes out.

It was nothing short of ominous that they had not come across anything in half an hour’s walk, and it did not help anyone’s nerves that the rain showed no signs of letting up either. Surprisingly, it still managed to pelt them even through the dense canopy they had found themselves under.

Rey abruptly ground to a halt, and Rem nearly walked into her.

“Cap-“

She held up her free hand, her lightsaber aloft in front of her.

A tremor rippled through the energy around her, and her heart had neatly lodged itself in her throat. Rey could feel Ben. The first thing she did in response was to make sure her mind was adequately blocked, then she worked to keep her hands from shaking.

Her troops were all looking at her with a worried expression, blasters at the ready, and their faces starkly shadowed as night began to fall.

Rey was about to tell them to head forward when an eerie noise sent ice down her spine that had nothing to do with how thoroughly drenched she was. She strained her ears to hear above the din as her company edged forward once more.

She could have _sworn_ she heard someone laugh…

It was not a pleasant sound.

And Ben’s presence was thick in the air.

They moved faster through the undergrowth then as Rey’s own pace sped up, fuelled with fear for her troops. She didn’t want to lose any, and they were _so close_ to the base they-

She nearly dropped dead when someone burst from the undergrowth.

It was a close thing, as the entire tightly-strung squad nearly fired on a very worked-up Finn before they realised who it was. Rey herself just managed to deactivate her saber before the blades hit him in her reflexive attack. Myri followed close after, and so did the rest of their group. Many of them were injured. They-

“Rey! Oh thank the stars and Force, and anything else that wants to take credit.”

Finn hugged her tightly, and Myri quickly joined in.

“You should _really_ be more careful!” Rey said in anxious tenor, “we could have killed you!”

Myri shook her head, obviously shaken, “Sorry Rey, sorry, we were just trying to get out of the valley on the other side of this clump a’ trees. Death-trap I tell you. First a squad of Stormtroopers and then a heard of angry boma…”

Myri trailed off as their leader, a Lieutenant Calrissian, emerged from behind the group.

“Friendly faces, thank the Maker,” he muttered, “Are your men still good?”

“Not a scratch, despite our rather eventful crash landing, Lieutenant,” Rey answered, “I take it you dispatched the group my scouts spotted, explaining our lack of combat.”

“Most likely,” his eyes were flicking wildly to different parts in the shrubbery, and his voice was shaking.

“Lieutenant? Are you alright?”

He fixed his stare on her, and Rey could see the dread in it.

“Captain, there are…There are some strange characters in the enemy ranks-” He returned to scanning the surroundings, unnervingly on edge. “-Ruthless ones. At first I thought of them to be Kylo Ren, but…”

Rey felt that same cold from before grip her. Only this time, Ben’s presence was distinctly diminished. That knowledge both cheered her and upset her. It seemed duty and heart would never completely work together.

Lieutenant Calrissian’s eyes were fixed on a point in the forest, off to the left down a fork in the rough path they had been travelling. Rey noticed that more and more of the troops were also affixed to that point, and as terror welled in her gut, she turned to look at the same spot.

Blocking that route, and standing in a slight clearing with the rain falling unhindered over it, was a black-swathed figure straight out of Rey’s darkest dreams.

It was a figure that resurfaced in her normal nightmares now, fuelled by remembrance and no longer Force terrors. Rey took a step towards the being, in front of all the troops. Calrissian tried to stop her but she refused him. When she did so, the creature laughed, and it was that same unnatural, but familiar trilling from before. The figure tilted its hooded head back, letting the cowl fall, and Rey’s heart battered against her chest in primal fear.

It was a woman. A monster.

The spectre from Yavin Four who had stood by and laughed as she did now when the man had beat her half to death.

“Cap…” Rem whispered from beside her, a hand on her arm.

“Go,” Rey said firmly.

The entire group behind her tensed in hesitation.

“ _Go,”_ Rey insisted, “Get to the base. I’ll deal with her.”

More rose in her mind as she took the painted face in. A name; Jayal. From Ben’s mind, his surface thoughts that she had tasted on Mygeeto. He was scared of her, and this only served to light Rey’s anger, though it did not chase away her own fear.

The troops behind her made no move.

She shouted this time, “Go!”

“This way,” Calrissian made sure everyone headed down the other haphazard pathway before following them. Finn, Myri, and Rem were among the few whom he had to physically shove before they would leave.

When no one was left, Rey took careful steps towards the maniacally grinning witch, igniting her saber as she went.

“Rey _Kenobi._ Oh how much I’ve heard about _you-“_

In the back of her mind, Rey could just about make out a rise of primal fear beat against her block, but she ignored it as Jayal unhooked her vibroaxe and rocked it in front of her.

“-I believe you took something that belonged to me, and I would so love to make it _mine.”_


	46. Traitor

**_Chapter 46: Traitor_ **

The taste of metal was raw in Rey’s mouth as she stopped from the semi-sheltered path to the open clearing, the rain hitting her in full now.

It didn’t bother her.

“What could I possibly have taken that was _yours?”_ Rey asked, her voice steady, and low.

“Mine,” Jayal snarled back, her grin vicious, “Ben Solo. Kylo Ren. Whatever the frack he calls himself, it does not matter. I claimed him, he is mine. And you, you _spoiled_ him.”

Rey started slightly in shock. So that’s why he was scared of her…

They circled each other slowly, feinting back and forth, subconsciously trying to gain the upper hand. The energy crackling between their locked glare could have set the forest alight.

“And now, I have you!” Jayal laughed again, twirling the axe, “The Jedi- _whore_ who dared to touch him…I think I’ll enjoy butchering you-“

Despite practically seeing red at the tone Jayal used, Rey still managed to feel her out in the Force, surprised that a woman who bore Dathomirian marks was _not_ Force Sensitive…

“-Quite fortuitous, actually,” she continued, in that same giddy chortle that seemed to border on a feral growl, “I think…Your beautiful, artfully _desecrated_ body…Now that might be the perfect beginning to breaking that infatuated little child-“

Rey no longer felt fear. She felt savage hate, and the way it boiled in her soul only proved again how she had never truly hated the man who once was Kylo Ren.

“-And twist him, _break_ him,” Jayal’s grin churned on her face to an ugly, tooth-bearing sneer, “Own him, till there is nothing left of him to explore. Then, little Jedi-whore, _then-”_

She was hissing now, readying herself for an attack. Rey tightened her hold on her saber, her heart goading, _begging_ the depraved woman to do so. She didn’t even feel the rain anymore, so focused was she on the waifish, yet dangerously degenerate woman.

“-Then I will kill him too, and dump his _thoroughly_ violated, but equally as delightful, corpse wherever I left yours. I think that’s only fair, since you’ll be the one to help bring about his destruction.”

Rey could not withhold the outraged cry that choked in the back of her throat, and she ended up being the one to strike first with a wildly debilitating insanity trick.

Which did nothing.

Instead, the mad woman smiled wider, and tapped her forehead with two fingers.

“Silly Jedi,” she giggled, and dragged her nails down her own wet cheek, “I may not be a Force Sensitive, but these tattoos are very real. And it became rather helpful to learn Force Resistance in a Force-driven society-”

Her smile disappeared completely as she launched herself forward and Rey caught her blow in a lock.

“Mistake number one, tiny Jedi. Your Force tricks won’t save you from me-“

Rey threw Jayal off her, but quickly found herself blocking a flurry of attacks as the lithe creature rounded back much faster than anything Rey was used to.

“-You see,” Jayal sneered as she jabbed at Rey, flipping each deflection over to a new attack, “It also comes in very handy when one wants to hunt, maim, and then kill _Force Users-“_

It was then that Rey realised Jayal had just been playing with her, as she was on the floor not a moment later with a searing injury to her upper leg, not even having seen the strike that caused it.

Pain lanced through her mind over the tether, and Rey struggled to keep it at bay. Again, and again, the consciousness that fit so perfectly against her own tried frantically to break down her block and yet she kept it up. It took a Force-augmented Niman roll to move her out of the way of what would have been a debilitating blow, and this speed took Jayal by surprise. Rey used that hesitation to try land a killing blow across Jayal’s torso, realising with some measure of terror that this woman very well _could_ kill her. Dismay shot through her as the witch was too quick, and only sustained a moderate gash across her ribs.

Her rage-filled screech was soon followed by words.

“-I don’t care _which_ Force Users,” Jayal spat, “Dark, Light, karking _rainbow_ for all I care. To me, they all deserve what they felt _I,_ and my Non-Sensitive ilk, were worthy of-“

Rey was driving back several steps as Jayal spun her axe with practices precision. It was by sheer will that Rey even stayed on her feet with the force of the blows, and the nicks that were landing on her knees and arms.

“- _Humiliation. Abuse. Defilement-_ ”

Each word was punctuated by a hit that Jayal landed on Rey’s body.

“ _Slaughter-“_

Jayal kicked Rey back, and she fell to her hands and knees near the centre of the rough clearing. Her body was screaming at her, her head was spinning, and her nerves were raw. Still, she prevented Ben from seeing this.

He did not need to see this.

“That-“ Rey looked up to see the woman grinning again, stalking towards her. She staggered to her feet, and sunk into Shii-Cho. “-They did not get a chance to do to _me.”_

Carefully, Rey blocked Jayal’s deteriorating strikes, and she got the feeling that she had lasted longer than any of Jayal’s other marks, if the woman’s piqued expression was anything to go by.

It seemed Rey was right, as Jayal huffed in annoyance and took a large walk back, regarding Rey as if she were a bothersome insect.

“No, I killed them before they could get that far. My entire village. I ripped them to pieces for daring to own me because of my difference-”

Then that moment of calm was gone when Jayal giggled again.

“-I took my time when I slowly eked them of their lives till they _pleaded_ for it, and I realised that, well, the Force Users were the different ones now. The ones in the minority-“

Rey did not allow herself distraction, and this proved useful when she was able to block more of Jayal’s offhand and erratic attacks. Her wounds were still shrieking at her, but Rey drowned them out with her single-minded need to _kill_ this woman.

“-How lucky for me, when I found a group that hunted my targets. How _fortunate_ when the new member turned out to be such an _appealing,_ lost little boy-“

Rey cried out in anger then, and in a quick shift managed to carve a long line over Jayal’s chest.

The woman barely flinched as she blocked Rey’s follow up and kicked her back again, laughing through the blood.

“-And I _would_ take my time with you too, only, I find it so much more tempting, the prospect of that man-“

Rey narrowly rolled away from a strike to flip and barely clip Jayal’s shoulder.

“-Beaten and broken, _beneath me-“_

As Rey’s rage increased, so did the fear on the other side of her block, and her control was slipping.

“-A mess, because of _your demise,”_ Jayal was smiling again, her teeth stained with blood, “I want him to _beg_ for his death. I want to hold him on the edge and keep him there-“

Jayal twisted them, so that Rey was on her knees and just barely holding the blade of the vibroaxe away from her neck. Jayal was almost behind her, and if she had a spare blade or the strength to wield one, Rey knew she would be dead, a knife in her back. As it stood, both of them needed both hands to try to kill each other and defend themselves from the strained hold.

“I want to watch him accept the inevitable,“ she hissed into Rey’s ear, “I want to see the light die in his eyes. I want him destroyed to the point of _willingness_ under my hand-”

Rey couldn’t support the block anymore, and it crumbled in her mind under the pressure of Ben’s pleas.

_-Sithspit Rey, sweet Force don’t let her- Oh Force!_

_Ben…_ She couldn’t ignore him any longer.

She couldn’t hold Jayal off any longer either.

_I’m close. I’m close, Rey, just hold on, please just hold on I’m nearly-_

“-And when that moment comes, little Jedi-whore, _then_ I’ll kill him.”

Rey’s strength was failing her, but she used the blind rage at the overwhelming feeling of Ben’s own crippling dread, and Jayal’s sick aberration one more time to her advantage. It guided her movements as she feinted beneath the humming blade of the vibroaxe by deactivating her saber, and spun on her knees to face the tattooed creature again. Quick as only the Force could allow her to be, she reactivated and struck at the woman. Jayal parried, but was thrown by Rey’s renewed venom. Her momentary disbelief provided Rey with a window, and she took it, first cutting off the hands that held the vibroaxe, then cleanly taking off the head of the snake.

The peace that flooded her body at the action did not last long.

_Rey! The other Knight, Banor-_

Through her fuzzy thoughts, she could feel his presence grow stronger.

Rey found instant clarity when Ben’s voice rang clear through the forest, even above the pouring rain and thunder.

“ _Behind you!”_

Rey spun and raised her weapon on his command, only to be met with a gnarled mace that threw her back onto the forest floor with its impact, dazing her.

The man laughed, and when the glow of her weapon lit his face, Rey recognised him immediately as the man who had done similar to her all those years ago.

Jagged red appeared behind him, and the man named Banor spun just in time to block Ben’s vicious strike, and be forced back a metre or two with it.

He only laughed more, “So, you truly _are_ the traitor I took you for, Solo. To think, it all comes down to this insignificant wretch.”

Ben didn’t respond, shaking with a tangible fury.

“At least, now I have a perfectly good reason to kill you.”

He twisted his mace, the spikes tearing into Ben’s arm as the move disarmed him. Rey jumped up from the ground then, and swung her saber at the man’s head. Banor yanked his weapon away, and swung it back to send Ben sprawling, having not quite evaded the attack. Banor himself only narrowly avoided her blow, and used brute strength to push them several paces from the staggered Ben.

 _Get up!_ She silently pleaded, weakly deflecting the man’s attacks and sustaining many tearing injuries from where she faltered. _Please get up._

Her Force attack fizzled away to nothing. Banor had also worked up a Force Resistance.

_Get away! He wants to-_

Ben was silenced by his own debilitating fear then as Rey’s saber was forced closer and closer to the ground by repeated blows till it left her side open, and she was flung into a tree by a well-aimed backwards swipe.

As she fell to the ground, her saber rolling from her hand, she uttered only silent screams at the burning pain that blossomed from the clawed injury to her side. It was so familiar. She had suffered it before.

Ben had seen this all before.

Rey heard his saber ignite again as she struggled to lift herself up, falling down into the moss again as rain pounded her back. She could only vaguely make out Ben engage Banor once more.

Their fight was a flurry of spikes and rippling red, hazed by the torrential rain, and illuminated by wild flashed of lightning. They were shouting, but Rey could not make out much past the noise of the water, the rolling thunder, and her heartbeat pounding in her own ears.

Then the beating, and time itself, seemed to slow as Banor gained advantage over Ben, and with three quick and brutal blows that sent water and darker droplets flying, making Rey cringe with the sickening sounds it made, sent Ben prone.

Banor then rounded on Rey, and she could just make out Ben’s form weakly trying to get up.

 _Rey, fracking run. Please for the love of the Force run-_ His voice was limp, even over the bond.

Her fear on Mygeeto seemed so unimportant now, as Ben struggled for his life out of her reach, and the man from her nightmares stalked to her through the sheets of rain with a dripping, bloodied mace.

She managed to flip herself up, grab her saber, and scramble back past the tree. A mimicry of her flight back in the temple.

Banor was laughing.

“Running? Again? This time you won’t get away, little thing. No, this time I’ll gut you for him to watch. Then I’ll make sure he never gets up again.”

She pulled herself up then, with the aid of a vine, and ducked behind the dense undergrowth with the single mind to double back to Ben. She knew in her heart that if she listened to him and ran, she would never see him alive again. Rey would not entertain that thought.

_Don’t you dare, Rey. Don’t you dare!_

She ignored him, carefully listening to Banor’s ghostly laughs as she weaved her way back to the clearing.

Banor caught her before she got there, and Rey barely deflected his blow, driving his mace into a nearby spruce.

She did not get a chance to strike him down before his quick recovery and return swipe sent her flying back onto a rock-bed. Rey scraped herself along the stone while scrambling back, her eyes fixed to the dark silhouette that she knew so well.

The amorphous black figure laughed wildly, and raised his mace above his head as he came within striking distance.

His gleeful cackles were cut off in his throat as quivering red sprouted from his chest, and Rey watched on, transfixed, as the red energy slid from view, and a second drenched figure shoved Banor’s now silent corpse to the side, staggering back and clutching his chest.

Rey hauled herself from the ground, and sagged against the nearby tree for support, her gaze not leaving the heavily breathing man in front of her.

Her worries of Mygeeto seemed so far away now, after they both had been so close to losing their lives.

That did not mean she knew how to tell him she needed to feel him in her arms, in in her grasp, to find tangible relief in the fact that he was _alright._

He had not looked at her, and she could feel the fear roll off him in heavy waves, but also something akin to what she was feeling. A desperation. A need.

“Ben-“ her voice was near silence in the rain, but his eyes snapped to hers at last, “I- I-“

His eyes widened the tiniest of fractions, his mind having turned to hers once more and no doubt seen all that was laid bare.

Rey so badly needed to say how bitterly sorry she was.

But he wouldn’t let her.

In a fluid motion, Ben shook his head and had her face cradled in this palms. Her hands were on him just as quickly, one braced for support on his shoulder, and the other twisting into his sodden hair, pulling him in just as he was her. His mouth was warm against hers, and sent her mind into much craved bliss as he caressed her lips, and let one of his hands trail to her back, pressing her to his chest.

Ben’s mind was as shot as hers, thoughtless relief and joy washing over her when she pressed her open consciousness against his again.

He broke apart only to murmur, “It’s alright,” against her lips, and then say it over and over when he gasped for air whilst devouring her. He seemed to be reassuring himself just as much as he was trying to comfort her.

Rey happily deepened the kiss, winding her arms around his neck and shivering when he tightly looped both of his around her waist, crushing her to him.

The biting cold of the rain didn’t bother her when Ben let her lips go, but kept placing haphazard, messy kisses to her cheek, jaw, and temple as he tucked her head against his shoulder. Rey let herself melt into him then, nuzzling deeper into his protective, warm embrace, and pressing her lips to his neck where they had come to rest in many feather caresses. They clutched each other tightly, unwilling to let go, and simply revelled in their shared want of the other, and the strange peace that came with their surrender.

They may have been beaten and bloodied, but Rey was certain she had never felt anything more like home than Ben Solo’s arms.


	47. Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT PSA SHTUFF YOOOO:
> 
> So apparently people have skipped 'Desperate' and 'Salvation' because they think it's the same as the original Snippets...  
> I'm here to tell you that is a BAAAAAD IDEAAAA because these chapters are NOT word-for-word. The snippets were intentionally vague and watered down to hide the plot for this story (once I actually had a plot which was post Enough, Desperate, Salvation) so if you skip 'em, or ANY of the others, you will be MISSING VITAL INFO CHILDRENS....and also some extended smut when that goody hits.
> 
> TL, DR: Don't skip chapters, even if they have the same name as the Snippets, because there is brand spanking new info in every single one pertaining to plots I hid in the beginning, and I won't be holding your hand if you get lost. <3

**_Chapter 47: Enough_ **

There was no telling how long they stood like that, wrapped in each other and just taking refuge in the mere rise and fall of the other’s chest with every precious breath.

Ben was still kissing Rey, a thrill shooting through him with every sigh that left her lips when she pressed them to his throat, incidentally, where the tail end of the scar she had given him ran. He clenched his arms around her, moving one hand to the back of her head to bring her closer, unable to be close enough.

He still shook, not from the injuries he had sustained, but due to the intense utterly shattering terror he had felt the moment Rey’s presence had teased his senses…Along with Jayal’s. Ben had never felt fear like that before, and never wanted to again. Not even Yavin had affected him to this degree, and Ben supposed that it was due to his advanced feelings of the woman in his arms. Compassion.

No, more.

So, so much more. So much more it scared him. It made him want to follow her anywhere, and do anything she asked of him. It made him war with what he knew and believed in for so long. He wanted to, Force he wanted to. Ben wanted so badly to take her hand when next she called and let her lead him wherever she chose. Most unbelievable of all, it made him hope that those whom he had wronged would find it in them to forgive him.

Chewbacca and Poe, two friends who had stuck with him through his early terrors. His mother, who had only done her best. His father, he prayed, from wherever he was would take mercy on him too.

And Luke. His uncle, the person whom he had taken _everything_ from. His uncle, whom he called a fool out of spite and hurt. His uncle, who had acted as the closest thing Ben had to a father over those years at the temple, and who had also done only his best to show Ben his love.

Ben had betrayed them all to the highest degree, and if by some _miracle_ they would want him back at all, he knew he would not deserve it.

But at the same time, the prospect filled him with dread, because even if the impossible happened, Ben knew he would still have to face the remnants of the Senate who functioned as the backing and therefore rulers of the Resistance. He knew they would hold him accountable for all he had done, and he knew they wanted him dead.

He could not allow Rey to become entangled in that.

Ben also knew that Snoke…Snoke would get exactly what he wanted, as he always had for all the centuries he’d lived. The only survivors of the Resistance would be the ones who fled or pledged allegiance.

Ben tightened his arms around Rey further, pressing his face into her hair and breathing deeply as she continued to soothe his trembling shoulders. Coolness that had nothing to do with the still-falling rain rippled out from wherever her fingertips roamed, and Ben moaned against her in contentment when the stinging in his body subsided. Gently, he administered the same treatment to her, surprised by how easily it came now that it was driven by a force outside of the Dark.

This precious woman…

Ben could not accept her death or persecution.

If she stayed with the Resistance, and he followed her, she would be tossed in with him as one more Force User the Senate would not trust. They would find no distinction between him and her, and they would charge her as they would charge him. Perhaps worse, or less, depending on how the Resistance citizenship at large saw Rey.

If she came back with him, Snoke would demand her allegiance, be it through willingness or torture. If she did not fold, she would be killed, just like every other Resistance member.

Every Resistance member.

His mother, Poe, Chewie, Luke.

Ben didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what would be the best route to choose, he didn’t know which alternative was the lesser of the two evils. Convince her to serve the new Order Snoke would create, or join her with the Resistance and die by her side? But Ben was a selfish man, and he would not lose her. He would not.

His mind despaired as she curled his arms around her again, their wounds adequately healed. She lifted her head and cupped his face, forcing him to meet her eyes.

Her bright, pleading eyes. Eyes that _knew._

“Come _home,”_ she begged, rain rolling over her face. Rey had heard everything he had been arguing with himself about.

Ben could only shake his head, not looking away from her, “I can’t, Rey. Don’t you see? How can I? How can I after all that I’ve done?”

“Ben-“

“Even if they welcome me back… The-“

She kissed him then, effectively cutting him off, and kept her hands on the sides of his face when they parted. He let her hands guide him till his forehead came to rest on hers, and Rey gently rubbed circles into his scalp where her fingertips were clenched.

“I know your fears, Ben. I’ve seen them all. But-“ It broke his heart to hear her voice shake as it did, and know he couldn’t follow her just yet. He had _nothing_ to offer anyone to make up for what he’d done. “-please. _Please_ come home.”

“I-“ Ben swallowed hard, trying to make sense of the storm in his mind.

Jayal and Banor were dead, this was a relief that still hung in his mind. Rey was in his arms, so warm and _alive…_

“I want to…”

His shaky breath mingled with hers.

“But?” she asked, her nose brushing his as they held each other close.

Ben shivered when the wind picked up, and lightening tore through the sky again.

But he didn’t know what home was anymore? But he didn’t know what the best path was? But he would rather spend eternity in Snoke’s service if it meant she would keep her life?

“I’m scared,” he ended up choking out, carefully working on shielding his deeper thoughts so that she would not have to feel them, and the pain they brought, “I’m so scared, Rey.”

Because he felt more for her than compassion. He felt more for her than lust.

He loved her.

He could not hear what she said then, as scouring pain he knew so well from his childhood years, and then some, ripped through his mind, and he only just managed to block her out completely before the presence that was Snoke filled his head, and set his nerves alight. Ben fell to the floor with the agony of an intrusion unaided by a Force Bond, and he could only just make out Rey’s panicked screams above the white noise ringing in his ears. Her hands moved over his arms, shoulders, chest, and face, then back, gripping him and trying to pull him back from something she did not know.

Ben knew, however, that there was no salvation from this, and he clenched his eyes tight both as reflex to the pain, and in the hope that he would not give Rey away to Snoke. He ignored her hands on his body, and he ignored her screams.

He drowned them out as he cringed against the sodden ground in anguish.

_Ren._

_Master._

_Luke has faltered. He has lost his hold on hiding himself in the Force. He is on Dxun, as is the girl. This presents a most fortunate situation for you. Disregard any orders that Hux may have given you. You have this last chance to please me, I have suffered your indecision and sickening commiseration long enough._

Ben cowed under the impatience in Snoke’s voice, well aware that what his Master said was the truth. He had drawn it out to long, he had allowed himself to be pulled in too deep. He had let his feelings for her stay his hand and now, now he would pay the price.

Not even the raw pain from the mental assault could overrun the terror that sank its claws into Ben’s heart.

_You, Ren, bring me something. Though I had hope for you and your power in the world I deign to create, I will abide by your weakness no longer. Bring me Luke, bring me the girl, or bring me your life._

A promise rose in his mind then, intentionally inflicting as much injury as it could. It was a warning, and image, that if he should fail or dare to run, he would live long enough to bitterly regret it.

Then the presence swept from his mind with all the rage of the storm around him, and left him bleeding inside, scared to think for fear of the process itself aggravating the fresh lesions in the fabric of his consciousness.

Two gentle but firm hands on his face, brushing the rain and his matted hair away, pulled him back into reality.

“-Ben! Ben look at me, look at me! Are you alright?”

Her voice was frantic, and anxious. But her hands on him, comforting him, was close to what Ben imagined home could be. Slowly, he raised his hands to take hold of her forearms, and tug her close.

“That’s _it!”_

Ben gasped then as she broke down the barrier he had flung up to hide her and the tether itself from Snoke. Rey had never done that before, and Ben’s tension ebbed away when he realised that her intrusion didn’t hurt one bit. The contrary, in fact.

Rey’s consciousness faltered when she met his aching mind, but then pushed on with determination, soothing him as she went, and gleaning exactly what had happened from his immediate memory. He couldn’t possibly hide it from her, not since it was still afflicting him. There was no resistance that he could muster against her, and no energy to stop her.

He felt Rey tense in his hands, and her mind recoiled in dread at what she found. Then anger. Such bitter, pure outrage, mixed together with a resolve that Ben could not grasp.

***

Rey let her hands fall from Ben’s face to his upper arms, and yanked him to his feet, holding him steady. Fury burned bright within her, out-shadowing the fear that Snoke’s mental attack had unleashed. Ben sagged in her grasp, and he was visibly drained from the terrible onslaught, and every raindrop seemed to weigh him down further.

She had been so scared when he had suddenly dropped, his mouth clenched as if suppressing a silent scream, and his face contorted in torment. It was such a contrast to the cautiousness he had displayed not even a second before. Now, however, now Rey was a bundle of scorching determination. Snoke thought he could manipulate Ben like this?

Fine.

Two could play this game and she was not about to lose Ben again.

Rey knew now that Ben’s fears were not unfounded. If Snoke could wreak that kind of havoc from wherever he was, then there was no reason to assume he couldn’t kill Ben where he stood…And now he was expecting Ben back.

Either with a prisoner in tow, or to kneel down and let Snoke take his life.

She swore to herself then that she would tear that monster to tiny pieces should she get the chance, but right now, the most important thing in her mind was saving Ben. She knew what was clicking in his mind. Rey knew perfectly well that he was considering going back by himself and letting Snoke lose her trail.

Rey would be karking damned if she let him think that way.

Shaking him by his shoulders, he eventually opened his eyes again. Rey pinned him with a vicious look that made his eyes grow wide, first in confusion, then terrified understanding.

“ _Take me.”_

He shook his head frantically, startled distress etched on his face as he pulled away from her and staggered back.

“Ben, _take_ me to him.”

Rey stepped forward as he stepped back, and she called her saber back to her hand. He didn’t have a choice in this, Rey had made up her mind.

The wind picked up, and sent the sheeting rain into flurries and swirls around them; his retreating figure and her advancing one.

“He’ll- No- Rey-“

“He will do what he will do but-“

“ _No, Rey!”_ he shouted above the wailing storm, terror explicit in every line of his face.

Rey ignited her saber, and it cast them both in pale yellow hues, and added steam to the storm. Quickly looking around, she noticed flares in the sky and black smoke against the lightning, indicating where the base or main battle would be. If he would not take her, she would _make_ him take her.

Ben regarded her with frightened eyes, and it hurt her that she had to do this. But there was simply no other way.

“Take me, Ben. He’ll _kill_ you otherwise and I will _not_ have you d-“

“And you think I _will_?” he yelled back, activating his own blade and raising it in defence, “I have spent every waking moment since you came back trying to keep you alive! I will not watch you _die!”_

Rey struck out at him, and he easily deflected it, as she intended. Again, and again, she followed through movement he had taught her so long ago.

“Please Rey,” he begged, his expression twisted into one of confused hurt, “Please don’t do this.”

“I’ll stop when you agree.”

Ben shook his head, and she redoubled her efforts. Neither actually hit the other. Ben was purely deflecting her blows, and not attacking at all. She drove him closer to the larger battle, and he knew what she was doing.

“He won’t kill me yet Ben-“

“I don’t know what he’ll do!” He was frustrated, his voice desperate.

Red and yellow illuminated the rain and sent prisms of light dancing around them

“If Snoke truly hungers for power, you _know_ he won’t kill me yet!”

Ben faltered, and Rey knew she had hit home.

“He’ll break you-” he choked out, their blades clashing in a shower of sparks again.

“I don’t break easily.” Resolve kept Rey’s voice steady and sure. She would never have managed it otherwise.

“- _Then_ he’ll kill you.”

“That gives us time.”

“Rey-“

Rey cut him off with a pointedly hard strike against his blade, and shouted at him when her own infuriation broke through her calm veneer.

“TAKE ME!”

“NO!”

Finally, he struck back.

Perhaps it was a good thing the maelstrom of a storm was so loud. The battle was happening just beyond the next throng of trees, and Rey did not want this match to be overheard by her squad. There was a measure of relief that came with their voices being drowned out as they were.

She caught him in a lock then, and forced him back past a particularly thick wall of flora to stumble out into a clearing that lay on an outcrop of rock, a semblance of a cliff.

He held her at bay, shaking under the stress of the lock. Rey on the other hand, allowed herself a worried glance over the pockets of fighting troops scattered below and beyond. Ben followed her gaze, and pushed them both upright till their blades were crossed between them

“The Resistance is winning!” he called over the din, “Join them, Rey! Join them and go _home!”_

She caught his eye, and slowly shook her head in response. Her mind was set, and he would not change that.

“I am not going to lose you, Ben. I made a promise to your mother, and a promise to myself. If I leave you now, I’ll _never_ see you alive again-“ she swallowed hurriedly when her voice cracked, “-I’ll never get another chance to keep that promise-”

She’d never hold him again, she’d never feel him or taste him again.

She’d never get a chance to figure out the feelings for him that she had put aside for a calmer time.

”-And if you aren’t going to take me in now, Ben. Then you’ll just have to strike me down yourself. I will not let you go without me any other way.”

Ben froze, shocked horror replacing anything else that may have been on his face or in his eyes.

The scream of their collided sabers was drowned out by the storm, and Rey held him there, content to let him think. She would not let him walk away to his death, he would have to accept that.

The rain was still pouring on Dxun, pelting the separate firefights going on below, as well as the dogfights in the low air above. Despite the tense lock they found themselves in once more, Rey could find peace in the typical storm. What was unusual about it, Rey noted, was the harsh wind that sent the torrential droplets into a blurred flurry, whipping both her drenched hair and clothes, as well as that of her unwilling opponent’s, along with it.

There was something to be said for the strength of this wind, if it was able to lift the combatant robes of a Jedi and a would-be-Sith. Particularly if they were soaked through with both water, sweat, and bitter blood.

Rey squinted through the maelstrom, staring down her tumultuous partner through the furious steam and sparks that surrounded her yellow saber, and his iconic red one. Yellow, a Sentinel. Through the roar around her, and the power struggle between the two blades, Rey mused once more on how Master Luke must have at least had some sense of humour when suggesting this class, as she was well aware she had played the role of a Sentinel most her life on Jakku. Watching and waiting, yet more than capable of many things all the same. A scavenger, a salvager. Finding the lost and making them whole, or else workable once more no matter the state of their discovery.

The distraught man before her, however, remained unclassed and wild. The red of his warped saber did nothing to distinguish him, only to align him, and alignment, Rey mused, was a fickle thing indeed. Ben had only served to prove that fact every time he left her alive.

They had both been so willing before. So willing to meet again, so willing to fight. Their unwitting Force Bond had made the communication an easy one. They needed to meet, and they needed to reach an ultimatum. Only, no decision ever came. It was always the next time, and then the next.

But now…All the weeks of holding back in battles, all the hours spent in rapture over their bond, and all the time spent trying to sway the other- trying to save the other- Both knew it was nearing the time to decide, and Snoke was forcing her hand. Ben was not ready, though she felt he never would be. It would be the second time he would need to shed a whole life and start anew.

He was slowly shaking his head in reluctance, and Rey could easily see what was plaguing his mind.

Torture, conditioning akin to his, death.

What surprised her the most was his base and primal fear of her being twisted into someone new, someone he didn’t know. Rey’s heart ached in her chest at the emotion he held in his mind for her.

And Rey had had enough.

With a hiss, she retracted her lightsaber and tossed it aside to the sodden ground. Then she waited for Ben to decide. Rey knew they would always be at a deadlock. That much had been obvious when neither had been able to take the final step, and end the other, no matter how many times their roles of victor and loser had be reversed.

Rey had had enough. She decided she would not be the one to end Ben Solo’s life, whether by her own blade or by inaction. He would have to be the one to end her if he would not let her help him.

She stood in silence, with closed eyes and a still mind.

But the blow she was waiting for never came.

Instead, Rey felt a tug at the dormant consciousness that now forever lay in her mind.

 _Why?_ The voice was desperate, cracked. Ben was breaking.

 _I can’t let you go. You refuse to end me, and I refuse to end you. Where does this leave us, Ben?_ She felt him wince.

 _Rey…_ He was scared.

She took a shaky breath, body quivering from the cold as it finally set in, but she carried on unperturbed with a plea she had never truly voiced in this manner before, but he always knew she held in her mind.

_Please. You know you’re stronger than this. You know you can be free._

Rey felt him shudder and recoil from her mental reach, but she persisted, sensing the cracks in his resolve she knew all too well. 

 _I’m done fighting you. What happens from here is for you to decide. If you won’t face yourself then kill me or flee-_ Ben flinched at her words-  _but I will not strike you down again, and I will follow you if you run, as I have all along. Please. The Light-_

Ben’s mind quivered against hers, and she knew she had found a raw nerve, one he himself had been picking on for a terribly long time.

 _-It calls to you, Ben-_ Rey realised she had never been this urgent in her life. So much rested on this man’s decision  _…Just let it in._

For a moment, everything was silent in her mind. Rey couldn’t feel him anymore, and neither could she feel nor hear the wind or the rain.

The sharp sizzle of a retracting lightsaber brought all the noise gushing back, but Rey found herself enveloped in warmth as she was crushed to Ben Solo’s chest, encircled completely by his arms again. Once recovered from the immediate shock, Rey pulled him close just as viciously as he had caught her, shivering delightedly at the craving the embrace fed.

 _Rey…_ He still sounded scared, but there was a cautious hopefulness there, albeit shrouded in dread, that had not been present before.

Rey gently pressed her lips against his neck, under his ear, and murmured a soft, “I know”.

Ben’s presence in her mind, and the tightening of his arms around her, assured her he knew exactly what she meant.


	48. Tentative

**_Chapter 48: Tentative_ **

“So what’s the protocol for taking me in?” Rey leaned back from their embrace to look him in the eyes.

Ben’s trepidation was still apparent, and Rey would be lying if she said she didn’t feel the same way. In fact, is was only his arms firmly wrapped around her waist that was keeping her together at all while she so boldly faced the prospect of being brought before Snoke.

At the disheartened look he gave her, Rey threw him a cheeky, if not slightly shaky, smile past the unyielding rain.

“Are you going to carry me onto your ship again?”

Ben graced her with a laugh. It was a nervous, slightly bitter one, but it had a genuine ring to it that made Rey’s heart lighten. He squeezed her before loosening his arms, and leading her back under the thick cover of the trees, where the rain was not so heavy. She clipped her discarded lightsaber to her belt, before taking the hand that he held out to her.

“Now,” he cleared his throat of the bubble that weighed it down, “Now I’ll take you to Korriban in my fighter. When we actually get to the ship, I’ll let Phasma know that the Knights are dead. This will prompt them to retreat with immediate effect.”

Rey followed him as he carved a path through the forest, her hand firmly clasped in his.

“You’re certain?” she asked, nimbly keeping up with him.

“Positive. Your targeting of the Elite camps knocked quite an unusual dent in their easy-access garrison, and while Stormtroopers are effective, the Resistance boasts equal skill. And Luke. The First Order couldn’t spare many for this fight, and the Knights were sent in place of whole squads. With them gone, there is little to no chance of a victory.”

“So,” Rey breathed as they jumped down a short drop-off to the next level of forest floor, “I take it General Hux won’t be charmed that you’ve essentially fracked the First Order over _again,_ in favour of me.”

Ben snorted another laugh, “Don’t be absurd. I’m blaming both the Knights’ deaths on you.”

Rey beamed at the way he seemed to be easing up, whether it was from the nerves or if he was working out of them, she didn’t care. At least he wasn’t rejecting her, or cutting himself off.

“That’s the spirit!” she chuckled, nearly running into him when he stopped by a clearing.

The rain made it difficult, but Rey could make out the shape of his fighter from Hoth at the edge of the little glade.

“This is awfully close to the battle, Ben.”

“It’s not my fault you expanded those borders when you crashed so far away.”

Rey rolled her eyes, letting his hand go so that he could open the fighter.

After a beat, he spoke again, his voice hesitant, “Rey, do you intend on just disappearing, or are you going to let one of your friend know?”

Rey had to blink at him for a few moments before she understood that he was being completely serious in his question. Then she laughed aloud and brushed past him to climb into the co-pilot’s seat.

Leaning out, she grabbed the door, “Yes Ben,” she smiled down at him, all nerves gone for the time being, “Because I get kidnapped often enough to tell whomever has me in their nefarious grasp ‘hang on just a click, I need to let the General know I’m alright.’”

With that, she swung the hatch shut and sat back in the seat, wiping the water off her face, and pulling her hair out of its twine to shake it out. The fighter shook slightly when Ben closed his own hatch, and fired up the engines.

“You know what I mean, Rey,” he said softly, and Rey was struck by the rawness in his tone, “Are you sure you want to do this?”

Rey turned to him, and took in his drenched appearance, biting her lip in consternation.

After a pause, she answered, “Of course I’m sure, Ben. I wouldn’t have pushed you otherwise. And as far as the Resistance is concerned, the less they know the better. I’m sure a few of them saw our lightsabers clashing, if nothing else due to the visibility. They’ll piece it together when I’m not around.”

He swallowed hard, the little bump on his throat bobbing, “And their pain, their fear, it doesn’t bother you?”

Guilt twisted in her gut, and she sighed.

“You just had to go and say that, didn’t you?” she muttered, “Yes it bothers me. But right now, you’re more important to me than that inconvenience. They’ll be completely fine when they realise I’m okay. You, on the other hand, would not have been so spry if I had just let you go-”

Rey lightly smacked the dash in front of him.

“-Now take us up and key us in for Korriban. I won’t change my mind, no matter how long you stall.”

Ben groaned slightly, wiping most of the water from his eyes before taking off.

They were both soaked through, and Rey was starting to shake violently with the cold. Ben was also shivering, but not as heavily as she was.

“Oh frack it all,” she hissed, fitfully untying her belt and tossing it into the storage behind their seats.

In her peripherals, she saw Ben do a small double-take, but he said nothing as she pulled her tunic off, and then all the rest till she was left in only her bindings.

She ignored his wide-eyed stare, furiously searching in all the compartments she could find while he put them into hyperspace, all the time trembling like a leaf caught in a storm.

“What the ever-living Force are you doing?” he asked after a while, his voice strained.

Now her head was under the locked controls on her side, searching there, and unable to keep her teeth from chattering.

“Looking for a fracking blanket. I am freezing my assets off here, and even you stuffy First Order-types must stock at least _one karking flight blank-“_

She gasped slightly as heavy wool fell over her back.

Heavy, _warm_ wool.

She darted upright and greedily pulled the thick blanket around her, tucking her knees under her chin, and peaking up at him from over the dark grey fabric.

He was smiling at her through jittering lips, and started configuring the auto-pilot parameters.

“Thank you,” Rey murmured, “But I hope there’s more than one in this ship. You look like you’re gonna need it.”

He shrugged, “T-there probably is, but I-I’ll be alright.”

As she took him in, dripping hair and quivering body, trying to keep his eyes on the controls and flicking to her huddled, blanket-clad figure every now and then, Rey was struck by the sheer _normalcy_ of the atmosphere in the cockpit. If anything, the air that hung between them was the same easy camaraderie that they had shared on Cato Neimoidia, and Yavin Four when he had guided her through building a lightsaber. It was a contentment that, though it had an undercurrent of grievous urgency, made her heart swell, and was not unlike the comfortable hum that had run through them both the morning after...

It was an ambience wherein it could be very easy to forget that there was a war raging on around them, and that they were supposed to be on opposite sides of it.

Slowly, her body began to ache more and more as the numbing effect of the frigid water was chased from her body by the thick blanket. She didn’t know whether to be happy or irritated. Rey would rather not remember the battle that had just taken place. She would rather not remember Jayal’s words- her implication- or Banor’s brutality. She never wanted to see Ben on the ground like that ever again. Though, some tiny part of her told her she just might.

It was the same little part that reminded her she had experienced one more scene from her Force terrors…And there was still the white sands one to-

No. No she would not think about that.

Rey fixed her eyes on Ben’s face, relieved that his lips were still upturned in a little smile, despite his now aggressively shivering body. Rey shook her head slightly, and tucked the blanket under her arms, shifting to face him and sit on her knees, like she had after Hoth.

He didn’t even notice her move, or else he was studiously trying not to look at her, for what reason Rey didn’t know. Nor was she going to dig around in his head again for a hint. She had done quite enough of that, and she knew he needed time to deal with whatever Snoke had done.

So, Rey contented herself with edging a little closer, and gently grabbing hold of the overlapped catch of his hooded cloak. He jumped at the contact, and his eyebrows shot into his wet hair as he turned to her, his hands freezing over the controls.

“W-what-“

“Your clothes are more water than they are textile, Ben. Off.”

He didn’t move, still regarding her with a bewildered expression.

Rey just sighed, and finally tugged the cloak free, pulling it out from behind him and tossing it to join her clothes in the back. Maybe the heat of being so close to the hyperdrive would dry them faster, Force only knew. Either way, she was not going to watch him shiver anymore.

“Rey, I-“

“Hush and help me.”

Rey leaned over and started working on the ties of his tunic, and almost giggled to herself when he hit the control-lock for his side of the ship with a shaking hand.

“We are on auto-pilot right?”

He rolled his eyes, pulling off his gloves to reveal blue-tinged hands.

“Yes, Rey.”

She grabbed his hands them, and made a startled noise at how frigid they were.

“Good Force you’re _frozen._ Holy frack, Ben.”

Hurriedly, Rey rubbed his hands between hers until at least the blue tinge was gone, before letting her fingers fly back to his tunic, and work faster on the catches.

She could have sworn she heard him chuckle as he he tossed his own belt and saber aside. Then his hands joined hers again, and with the belt gone, the tunic came off with relative ease.

He was definitely chortling at her.

“What is it?” she asked, exasperated, sitting back to re-adjust the blanket around her while he tugged his boots off, not meeting her gaze.

Ben shook his head with that smirk still playing on his lips. At least he wasn’t shivering as badly now, but the clothes that remained were just as sodden, despite his robes being but thicker than hers. Deftly, she worked on the ties of his undershirt, and then he outright laughed.

“ _What?”_

He looked at her with twinkling eyes, and a smile that made her heart flutter, “Well, if you were so impatient to get me undressed, you could have just said so earlier.”

Rey rolled her eyes, despite the blush that she could feel creeping over her cheeks, “Shush you, I’m just trying to make sure you don’t die of hypothermia because your ego was on a masculine trip.”

He lifted his arms at her prompting so that she could pull the shirt over his head, still chuckling softly.

Then she froze.

Rey had never really, truly _looked_ at his body before. Only felt it or ghosted over it. Never really _looked._ He was covered in scars. Most of them were red or purple from typical medical means. There were only a precious few that were light and smooth from Force-Healing. She rocked back onto her feet, hands tucked to her mouth with his shirt still clutched in them. He raised a brow at her, and then his smile quickly faded when he realised what the cause was for her pause.

With an expression of shame, he reached overhead and pulled another blanket from the compartment, draping it over his shoulders before pulling his trousers off as well, and tossing it to join the pile. It was when he wrapped the blanket around himself completely with a grimace that Rey snapped out of her reverie.

“No, no,” she quickly breathed, throwing his shirt to the side and worming her hands under his blanket to bare his chest again, “Don’t, please, I…“

Her words trailed off as she ran her hands over his chest. Sure, she had seen it all before, after Hoth. But she had been so focused on healing his wound that she had registered ‘scars’, and nothing else. With this new information on Jayal and Banor, however…

Ben shuddered under her hands as one trailed up over his chest to lightly trace the end of the scar she had caused. Rey had no idea it ran this far down. She hadn’t thought to look, she hadn’t thought…

“ _Ben…”_

He caught her hands in his then and she looked up to meet his eyes.

“What did they _do_ to you?”

She could see he knew exactly who she meant.

“Jayal, not as much as she wanted to. I didn’t ever let her get very far. Banor? As much as he could manage during the few training sessions I had with him. The rest are a mix of Snoke and the Elite.” He raised on hand to caress her cheek with his thumb, his gaze softening, very aware of her after-effects of the fight, “Don’t worry, Rey. Those two are dead now. They can’t do anything to you, or me, ever again.”

The shame didn’t leave his eyes though, and Rey tugged her hands free from his to continue tracing every mark on his skin, pressing gently every now and then.

Soon, Ben let his head fall against the seat, his eyes closed, and his throat bared to her.

Slowly, Rey leaned forward and pressed her lips to the hollow of his neck, her hands braced on his shoulders. Ben’s own hands were on her within the second, and all but hauled her into his lap as she trailed her lips up his throat to his jaw, and back down. He pulled her blanket over her back, and tucked it around them both before encircling her with his arms and bundling her against his chest.

She hummed appreciatively against his throat, eliciting a quiet moan from the man beneath her.

“You’re warm,” she mumbled against his jaw, with a measure of pride at her achievement.

“Well thank goodness for that,” he breathed, turning his head to kiss her cheek, “because if not I’d be forced to seriously question my mammalian status.”

Rey smiled into his skin, running her hands down his back to better hold him to her. She could feel his heart thud against her chest, and let her head fall onto his shoulder.

“It’s a while to Korriban yet, right? So we can stay like this for a little while.”

Rey sounded almost pleading, even though she hadn’t intended it that way.

She felt him nod against her head, but his body had gone tense under hers. Lifting her head, she frowned to see he wore an anxious expression once more.

“Ben?”

“Are you _sure,_ Rey?” he whispered, his hands clenching on her back, “Are you _sure_ you want to do this? Because I can drop you at _any planet_ on this route, say I had to make a fuel stop, damage the hyperdrive to make it look like you escaped, _any-“_

He was babbling in a panic, and Rey swiftly cut him off with a hand over his mouth, shifting in his lap to straddle him more comfortably and face him head-on.

“Enough, Ben. Enough.”

His brows were still knitted together, and there was desperate argumentation in his eyes. Rey brought her other hand to his face, and gently rubbed tiny circles into his temples before letting her fingertips drift to trace his brow, his nose, his lips, and then twine in to his hair before she let her forehead rest on his.

He sighed heavily, but it was a shuddering sound, and his own hands moved to cup her shoulder-blades.

“I’ve made my decision, and yes, I’m scared too. But I won’t ever regret the right decision-”

He gulped, nodding against her.

“-And no one ever said it would be easy, Ben. I’m under no illusions.”

Not necessarily the right or easy thing, Maz had said, but the thing that reminded people what it meant to _care._

Force damn her but she cared so terribly much.

“You know,” she said softly, leaning back to look at him, and waited till he opened his eyes before she continued, “I told myself day in and day out that I would do it all for Leia. That I would bring you home _just_ for Leia…”

Ben tilted his head when she trailed off, but waited on her.

Rey took a deep breath, smiling incredulously at herself, her hand resting on Ben’s neck and cradling his head. How far they had come…

“-But after Cato Neimoidia-After Dromund- Maybe further back. Maybe from the first time I ever healed you I don’t know…But it wasn’t just for Leia anymore, Ben-”

She licked her suddenly dry lips as one of Ben’s hands trailed up the back of her neck and gently knotted in her hair, sending shivers down her spine. Absentmindedly, Ben was running his fingers through her loose hair, with a look of absolute marvel on his face.

“-It wasn’t just for Leia,” she murmured, “It was for _me_ to, because I care about you, Ben. I care, and I’m not going to let you go so easily.”

His expression could only be described as painful joy, the smile that tugged on the corners of his mouth a jittery one that didn’t quite know if it needed to be a grin or a grimace.

Ben settled for pulling her flush against him and capturing her lips in his with a gentle, enquiring kiss. Rey obliged with no hesitation, angling her mouth over his and running her hands down his neck and back again to hold herself closer. He was searing underneath her now, all cold from the icy rains of Dxun gone from their bodies as they sat huddled in the pilot’s chair, skin on skin. Ben moved his arms to cross around and cradle her body again, with the large blankets thoroughly engulfing them both.

The kissed they shared weren’t needy or geared towards more. They were swallowing and whole, offering comfort and hope. Where tongues had danced before inciting scorching passion, now they collided with only the need of contact and closeness. Moans and whimpers devoured by each other were without the prior need for release, and grasping hands sought only for affirmation of the other’s presence and _life_.

As the kiss slowed, and Ben uttered her name in his gasps for air, it was plain that they just needed, for now, to _be,_ and it would be enough. Her head fell back to his shoulder, and he gathered her snugger to his body, resting his own head on hers. Gradually, their wild heartbeats and breathing slowed, and they simply revelled in the other’s presence.

“Sleep,” he whispered against her hair, “We will have enough time to right ourselves before landing on Korriban.”

There was an inkling of teasing merriment in his voice that thrilled Rey, and she found herself very ready to nod off in his arms, as familiar and inviting as his embrace was.

“We’ll be alright, Ben. We’ll be alright,” Rey muffled against his skin, nuzzling closer and positively relishing the warmth that was Ben Solo.

She felt him press a lingering kiss to her head before resting his own there again, and she finally got to fall asleep in his arms again like she had wanted to for so long.

Not even the looming arrival on Korriban could make moments like this any less than what they were to Rey, and what they were was remarkably precious.


	49. Clarity

**_Chapter 49: Clarity_ **

Rey dozed peacefully in Ben’s arms, fading in and out of consciousness every so often. Now, however, she was wide awake, with her head having drooped to his bare chest as they relaxed in slumber.

He was still asleep, and his heart beat steadily under her ear.

In his arms as she was, Rey’s aching body did not bother her so much. The wounds from Dxun were healed, of course, but that did not mean she wouldn’t feel the trauma. The warmth of Ben underneath and curled around her, however, eased the pain as she supposed she was alleviating his.

Rey was content to lie there, ignoring the digital numbers telling her they had only two hours to go till arrival at Korriban. Lazily, she traced light patterns on his skin with her fingertips, watching their movement intently as she felt him. She could feel the ridges of his scars, and ended up incorporating their jagged edges and stark lines into the patterns she drew. So engrossed was she in her ministrations that Rey did not notice Ben stirring till once large hand moved from its place slung over her back, to twine with her fingers.

“Sleep well?” Rey asked him, her own voice coarse from the nap.

“As well as five hours could afford,” he mumbled in return, squeezing her against his chest, “It helped that there were no nightmares.”

Rey hummed in agreement, unabashedly revelling in the feeling of being tucked against Ben with those thick blankets swathed around them.

“That,” she laughed, “And a mostly undressed girl in your arms.”

He snorted lightly, a deep, rumbling chuckle reverberating through his chest, “I suppose that could be part of it, yes.”

Rey was not ignorant of the stress that was leaking into his voice, and she sighed.

“Ben,” she moved her free hand to rub the back of his neck, “It’s going to be alright, you’ll see.”

His voice was slightly strangled when he spoke again, but still neither of them rose above a whisper, “I can’t lose you, Rey. I am terrified of what he’ll do to you. . I am _terrified_ of losing you.”

Ben had let go of her hand, and was playing with the twine around her neck till his fingers held the kyber crystal.

“Now you understand,” she raised her head and kissed his jaw, and shivering when his knuckles brushed her collarbone, “Why I came at all. For fear of losing _you._ ”

There was still reluctance in Ben’s eyes, but Rey could see the begrudging acceptance grow. He flicked his gaze from hers, and looked to the blue that rushed past the viewport. They sat in silence for a little while, with Ben looking out, and Rey looking at him.

Eventually, his shifting expressions crumbled into words, and he let the crystal drop against her chest again as he trailed his fingers down and over her arm to clutch her lower back again.

“I miss my father every day. Every day I regret what I did, because every single day I’m reminded that killing him- someone I loved- did not wipe out the call to the Light in me-”

Rey didn’t say a thing, she just sat back on his lap, and rubbed soothing swirls into his shoulder and neck muscles. Ben did not look like he was finished.

“-And every day since, I’ve been wondering what it would be like, to give in. To go. Would it even be possible? Would anyone even welcome me at all, after everything?”

He looked at her again, his face bitterly sad and imploring. Her heart ached in her chest, but still she remained quiet.

“-Then I remember all the things I’ve done,” he sighed in deflated defeat, “as a torturer, as a Jedi hunter, as a murderer, and I’m reminded that I don’t deserve any of what I dream or wonder of. Never will. It’s during such times that I realise there is nothing in the entire Galaxy to make up for everything I’ve caused.”

Rey let her fingertips stretch to brush his jaw, feeling him tremble underneath her. She wanted nothing more than to soothe those lines from his face and make him smile again. It struck her again just how far they had come since Starkiller, and it made her wonder how exactly they had gotten to this point at all. In truth, Ben was right. There was nothing he could do or say that would righteously redeem him in the eyes of those he had hurt. Nothing _he_ could do. But how, then, had they gotten here?

Rey nodded slowly, a tremor running through her gut, “Nothing in the Galaxy. Nothing except forgiveness.”

“Forgiven-“ His tone was one of disbelief, and she quickly cut him off.

“Forgiveness is not earned, Ben. It is given with a willing heart, and it has no prerequisites. I forgave you long ago. Leia forgave you long ago-”

“I don’t deserve it.”

“Like I said, no requirements.”

Rey placed a feather-light kiss on his lips before sitting back again, and smiling gently at him. He was looking at her with nothing less than bewildered awe.

“What is it?” She cocked her head and frowned slightly as his brows knit.

“You,” he sighed, and continued quickly at her confused expression, “This, all of it. All you’re doing for me. You’re doing all of this, and disregarding all that happened, out of forgiveness?”

“Forgiveness and…More-“ His brows shot up, but Rey ignored it.

“-Hard to grasp, huh?” she asked dryly.

Ben shook his head, “Not hard. Impossible.”

“Then I’d suggest you start revising your ideas on the impossible, Ben, because your mother _does_ want you home. _I_ want you to come back with me-“

“Poe, Chewie, Luke?” he asked with a wry grimace.

“Poe knows,” Rey said simply.

Rey had never seen a man’s expression go from assured to floored that quickly.

“K-Knows? Knows _what?”_

“Knows, Ben. About us. About what we’ve been doing. Finn knows too, so does Maz-“

“Kanata?” he asked weakly, looking distinctly apprehensive.

“-Kanata,” Rey nodded, smiling sheepishly at him, “Maz was actually the one who called me on it all quite early on. You can’t lie to that woman-“

“Trust me, I know.”

There was a long story behind those rueful words, but Rey would leave that for another time. Perhaps when Maz herself was present.

“Assume that Poe, Finn, and Maz know everything. And I mean everything.” Rey could feel her face overheat, and she knew she was probably as red as Jakku’s setting sun.

“So,” he choked, apprehension replaced by self-consciousness equal if not greater than Rey’s, “I take it they won’t be surprised at your current state?” He let his eyes flick over her body to where their skin met, before he met her gaze again, a flush dusting his cheeks.

Rey chuckled, happy that she had at least vaguely cheered him, even if it was only a distraction at best. She knew it would all disappear once they got to Korriban.

“Actually, Maz would be. She’d say there were still too many clothes.”

Shock flicked over Ben’s face for a second before mirth quickly chased it away, and he broke into a deep laugh that made Rey’s heart flutter in joy. Force, she enjoyed this man.

“That most certainly is the Maz I remember,” he breathed when his laughter had died down, holding her close, “But if Luke and Chewbacca are as I remember them, then I doubt they would be as eager as she.”

Rey sighed at his abruptly despondent tone.

“Ben-“

“I destroyed their lives, Rey. Just the same as I did to so many strangers.”

“Yes, you did. You did terrible things, Ben,” Rey cupped his face and forced him to look at her, “But then again, so have a lot of people, including myself. Now, I can’t make you forgive yourself, Ben. But I can promise you that there _are_ people out there who do, and they want you back. Coincidentally,” she smirked sarcastically, “One of them just so happens to be sitting in your lap.”

“And far too keen to do something incredibly foolish,” he muttered.

“Well I’m not asking your permission either.”

“Rey-“

The ship jerking out of hyperspace was enough to stop whatever hashed-out argument Ben was going to raise again, and the barren surface of Korriban invaded their view.

“-Fracking hell,” he murmured, crushing her to him, “I don’t know if _I_ can do this, Rey.”

Rey wrapped her arms around him, startled to find that he was trembling, and tenderly pressed her lips to his cheek.

“Again, you don’t have a choice in the matter.”

She could feel the beat of his heart increase rapidly, and his breath was coming shorter.

“I don’t know what he’ll do to you, I don’t know what he’ll make _me_ do to you, I-“

Rey shushed him with a thumb over his lips, “Just promise me, _promise_ me, Ben, that you’ll act the part of Kylo Ren. You need to…”

“I know...I will try.”

The words sounded like they pained him.

One look between them was enough to convey that there was no turning back now, and the beeping on the dash only solidified that fact. The ship had been spotted and cleared for entry.

Ben was unmoving beneath her, staring with obvious fear at the planet. Rey leant over him to haul their clothes to the co-pilot seat, and tugged their first items out of the bundle.

As she had expected, all joy was sucked out of the cockpit now that Korriban hung beyond.

Reluctantly, he took the shirt she handed him, and shrugged it on, silently assisting her with her tunic’s catches afterwards. With a sigh, they threw the blankets to the rear of the ship, and Ben helped her over to the co-pilots seat so that they’d both be able to get the rest of their clothes on. Rey thanked the Force that their clothes were dry.

At least there was less urgency than when she had gotten dressed on Mygeeto, and no need to run. Rey huffed a tiny laugh at the thought.

“What is it?” he asked her quietly.

“Uh,” Rey shook her head, buckling up her boots, “Just thinking about, um…Mygeeto” She flashed him a bashful smile, glad that it would hide the nerves that were rather suddenly building in her gut and chest.

He lofted his brows, the faint blush returning to his cheeks, and tugging on his own boots, “Oh?”

Rey shrugged, and averted her eyes, affixing her belt but turning her saber over in her hands.

The cockpit was silent for a long time while Ben guided them down, the air thick with both their anxiety.

When he broke the quiet, it was with an assured, but hushed tone, “I don’t regret what happened between us, you know. I don’t know what your-“

“I don’t regret it either.” How it was even possible that her face could redden more, Rey had no idea, but was sure that it was doing exactly that, and she immersed herself in studying her lightsaber hilt to avoid his gaze.

Her cheeks were on fire.

Ben hummed in muted pleasure, “I, uh…Frack I-“

Rey just smiled. Now what could possibly make him so…

“I enjoyed it, Rey,” he breathed, his nervousness sparking between them, and the easily open tether that linked their minds.

Oh. That.

She didn’t need to look at him to know he was just as flushed as she was.

“So did I, Ben.”

They had been so interwoven with each other before, it took distance to make Rey aware that their minds had been comfortably conjoined all this time. Now, she was blatantly aware of the ecstasy that surged from his consciousness at her words.

Rey started to panic then. They would need to fix this…

“Ben…”

She could feel him tense at her abruptly alarmed tone.

“The bond. We need to block it more effectively.”

He relaxed marginally, and she realised he had been worried she was going to say something further- something negative- about Mygeeto. Her chest tightened at that, and it left her fighting a ridiculous smile.

Then a new tension entered his form.

“You’re right,” he said, fear colouring his tone, “But I- I don’t know how to block as effectively as you do.”

Rey wracked her brain in gradually increasing distress as the outer atmosphere cleared to reveal the First Order proxy sprawled on the arid desert, with monolithic temples of ancient times scattered around it.

She gasped then, as something came to her. Rey might not be able to teach him through illusion, but she was more than able to project all she knew through the bond. All _Poe_ had taught her. Rey did not even give Ben a warning before she forced all the memories, as well as her own practice, over the bond. More specifically, how she had hid their candid lessons from Luke with the counting-cards trick. Ben inhaled sharply at the sudden influx, and spluttered in shock, though she could not make out what he said.

Rey had learnt so easily from Ben due to their bond before, it should be the same for him, right? He had, after all, caught onto healing like a practiced master when he had allowed the right energies to guide him.

When all she knew about the trick was passed on, Rey pulled herself from his mind, and looked up to meet his wide eyes.

“Well, I knew you used that but I had no idea you used it _all_ the time…It’s surprisingly effective,” he gasped, as if just having performed a vigorous training exercise. Perhaps, mentally, he had.

Ben still looked unnerved though, and Rey knew there was nothing that could be said or done to put the both of them at ease for what was to come.

“That’s all I know, Ben. It will work.”

He nodded slowly, and readied them for docking.

“It will,” he echoed.

Rey reached over and folded her hands over his when he had set them down. Ben was shaking again, and she wound her fingers through his before squeezing gently.

“Just until I’m sure you’ll be alright, Ben. Then you can make the next move.”

Still, he did not look at her, but his head bobbed in a quivering nod that may as well have been a shudder.

Rey leant over and pressed a tender kiss to the corner of his mouth, then shook their linked hands in front of his eyes.

“For appearance’s sake, I hope you have wrist restraints or something vaguely prisoner-y in this ship, Ben. I’m not unconscious this time around-“

She ignored his indignant expression, smiling timidly at him, unable to hide her anxiety anymore.

“-But I guess I can always pretend to be if you don’t want to take me in like a typical captive.”

That earned her a breathed chuckle, and Ben shook his head, his eyes filled with dread as the hangar doors opened and the red-headed General Hux marched in with a squad of Stormtroopers at his side.

Thank the Force for standard one-way viewports.

“Breathe, Ben,” Rey whispered, rubbing his shoulder, “I’m right here. And no matter what happens in this base, know that I will hold none of it against you. None of it.”

She could feel that that provided him no consolation whatsoever.


	50. Renege

**_Chapter 50: Renege_ **

Ben was struggling to get a handle on the situation. He honestly hadn’t thought this far. Were there even wrist restraints in the fighter? Of course there were. He was the First Order’s resident interrogator and torturer, after all.

Or had been.

Ben didn’t quite know how to act like that again, he had changed so much, and it terrified him.

An unexpected weight fell into his lap as he fumbled around for the restraints he knew were in the overhead. His fingers finally closed around the metal cuffs, and he looked down, startled to see Rey’s lightsaber resting on his legs.

“Keep it safe for me, Ben.”

His eyes flew to Rey’s face, and watched her in silence as she pulled back her hair into a haphazard bun.

“Won’t want it getting lost amidst all the other relics, now would I?”

Ben could do nothing but look at her, his heart gripped in fear. She could see it, of course, and with a brave face that only Rey could muster, she stuck out her arms for the restraints to be strapped on. He didn’t move.

Rey pursed her lips and huffed, “Come on, we don’t have all day.”

Her words were stern, but her tone was gentle.

Ben reluctantly slipped the cuffs onto her wrists, and activated them just as begrudgingly. He winced when they hummed to life, knowing that they would administer quite the jolt if she struggled at all.

He told her this in stuttering consonants and choked vowels, not quite able to speak for the way in which his heart was lodged in his throat. Rey seemed to understand, however, and carefully leaned forward to caress his cheek with her knuckles, before facing her hatch.

“Remember,” she said, her chipper tone clearly a fabrication, “Kylo Ren.”

“Kylo Ren,” Ben echoed, finally able to muster coherent speech, and was assaulted by memories of repeating after Snoke once long ago, when he first to up the mantle.

Kylo Ren. Master of the Knights of Ren.

Sighing shakily, he clipped her saber to his belt as well, and opened his hatch to drop to the flight deck. Hux only raised a brow in greeting, and Ben inclined his head in return, keeping his features as schooled as he could manage as he walked around to Rey’s hatch. Apathy was key…Apathy was key…

Though Ben sorely doubted he would be able to remain such for long.

With an air of old testiness, he flung open her hatch, and lifted her out by her upper arms, careful to make sure he did not hurt her, but rough enough to give the appearance of manhandling. Rey’s tiny nod before he pulled her from the cockpit was all he needed to get through this initial phase…He hoped.

“Well, well,” Hux drawled as Ben ushered Rey forward with a hand on her back, “Are you sure those mere cuffs are enough, Ren? And I see you gained a new trophy weapon. Delightful.”

Nothing about his tone indicated taking any joy from this situation. If anything, Ben was somewhat surprised to hear exhaustion in the usually blasé General’s tone, and…pity?

“Adequate enough,” Ben answered stiffly, pulling a small, self-assured smirk.

Rey pushed back slightly on his hand and he could take the hint, shoving her a little harder but still making sure his hold on her back was more guiding than forceful. At least it would fool the others.

Hux did not look satisfied.

“And her Force abilities? Certainly, she can’t hold a lightsaber now, but she got out of confinement before with the aid of the Force.”

“That won’t be a problem.”

How the frack was he going to explain away _this?_ Ben would not have her in a neural collar, he would not be able to withstand doing that…Not that.

“Oh?”

Ben brought her to a rest before Hux, and Rey did not meet the General’s eyes. Instead, she slumped her shoulders as if beaten and broken, and let her head hang. Hux appraised her for a moment, honest astonishment on his face, before he laughed.

“What in the name of the stars above did you do to her, Ren? Surely this is not the same creature you brought in the first time around!”

“As I said, General,” Ben spoke measuredly, with a decidedly bored yet threatening tone. It was a kind he had used many times with his Knights, “Adequate enough restraint.”

Best to let the man imagine. Ben hoped it would be enough.

Rey rocked back against his hand. To their audience, the movement would have appeared to be a shudder. To Ben, it was reassurance, and perhaps a bit of glee for him going along with her act.

“Well then, I’ll let my men take her to be processed for the cells-“

“Processed?” Ben barely managed to keep his voice steady, and in the same cautionary intonation he had used before where Rey was concerned.

“Simple protocol for a prisoner of war,” Hux smirked, hallway leering at Rey in a way that riled Ben to no end, “She’ll be decontaminated, redressed, left to stew a bit, the usual. Then the formal interrogations that we do _here_ can take place.”

Hux gestured to the squad around him, and it took conscious effort on Ben’s part to not snap right there as Rey was yanked out his reach. His insides churned terribly when he caught her wincing, the action of having been pulled from him so roughly causing a reaction in the cuffs. Rey, however, did not break with the stance and mannerism she had adopted, and Ben watched her be marched away till she was out of sight, sickly awe lancing through his gut.

What she was doing was something incredible. Foolish, audacious, even suicidal. But incredible.

Now, it was just Hux and himself standing in the hangar, and though Ben didn’t like the man very much, it was better than being completely alone. At least with the General around, he could be reminded how to act like Kylo Ren.

“How you managed that, Ren, I’ll never know. But Supreme Leader Snoke will be pleased with at least _some_ progress.”

“Quite,” Ben fixed Hux with a disinterested stare, “Unfortunately, bringing her in made pursuing Luke impossible-“

“Oh I don’t doubt it,” Hux snorted, “Besides the obvious logistical nightmare of subduing two live Jedi, it comes as no surprise to me that you opted for the girl instead of the man you were initially ordered to kill.”

Ben could feel the blood in his veins freeze, and his heartrate increase.

Hux sighed in exasperation, “I suppose I’ll never understand you Sith- or Darksiders, whatever- and your infatuation with those of equal if not more power than yourself. Either way, at least you managed to bring her in, neatly packaged an all.”

Ben cleared his throat with false annoyance, “ _Infatuation,_ Hux?”

The redhead laughed, but oddly enough it was not a mocking sound, “Yes, infatuation. You’re at _least_ intrigued by the girl, this much is plain. You go to great lengths to try and persuade her to switch sides. While I will admit, an extra strong-arm lightsaber would be useful, it is not a necessity, yet you chase her as if it were.”

“General-“ Ben made for anger, but it came out as defensive.

“At ease, Ren,” Hux shook his head, “I, quite frankly, couldn’t give a flying frack over the politics involved in your wayward Force religion. My chief concern is the furthering of this empire-”

Ben could not believe what he was hearing. The aloof General had never spoken with such candidness before.

“-In all truth,” Hux sneered, “I’m somewhat glad for the self-destructive nature of your kind. It means I won’t have to deal with those two degenerates any longer…If the reports are true and they truly are dead?”

Ben nodded in affirmation, not trusting himself to speak.

“Fantastic,” Hux sighed in relief, and shrugged when Ben looked at him in perplexity, “While I wouldn’t put it past _her_ to have been responsible, I’m not entirely sure you _didn’t_ have anything to do with it.”

“That would be a matter of opinion, General,” Ben muttered, his gut twisting.

Hux just laughed and gestured for Ben to follow him.

“Well, I am pleased either way. Now I won’t have to deal with any deaths amongst my men just because two ingrates ‘got bored’.”

They turned several corners, and came to the corridor that branched off between dormitories and Detention.

Hux turned towards Detention, but paused and turned back to Ben, a smirk firmly on his lips.

“Oh, and, there’s a gift for you from Supreme Leader Snoke in your chambers-“ At least now the mocking tone so trademark of General Hux was back in place.

Ben was not sure what unnerved him most; being back on Korriban with Rey in tow, or General Hux behaving like a human being. Hux’s odd chattiness certainly threw Ben when it came to being Kylo Ren.

“-Apparently he felt your gear needed completing. Anyway, a messenger will be along to inform you when we have done our part with the girl.”

Ben was sorely tempted to follow Hux as he turned and walked down to the Detention level, but he knew that if he set foot in that direction while Rey was still being…Processed…He would most like rip every door off its hinge or slide to get to her. Against every instinct in his gut, he bit his tongue and turned to head to his chambers. Her lightsaber was a heavy weight on his belt. He knew he did not exude the tenuous rage that he once had, but he hoped the purpose with which he stalked to is room would be adequately intimidating enough for the troops to keep their usual distance.

He all but fell into the familiar stone chamber when the door was open wide enough for him to squeeze through, and he shut it just as quickly, heavily exhaling the tremendous breath he’d been holding from the crossroads till now. Ben’s vision blurred over as he slumped onto his bed, elbows on his knees and head in his hands. He inhaled a shuddering breath that hitched in his throat and choked him. Again, and again.

Swallowing hard, Ben righted himself and stared unseeingly at the cold stone masonry of the mausoleum-esque temple that doubled as a section of the base.

Home, he thought bitterly.

Home, and the only part that he’d ever found ‘home’ in was being dragged through the Detention level. For _him._

Ben knew that Rey would tenaciously plough through whatever she needed to do. She had been like that as a youngling, perfectly understanding everything that was told to her, and following her own heart anyway. It had come as no surprise to Ben that she showed the same trait as a grown woman. He smiled slightly at the thought, taking comfort in the fact that her stubbornness still extended to include him.

Inconceivable, that Rey returned even an inkling of his feelings for her. Yet she did, and she was risking her life for his.

Ben sighed, and pushed himself off the end of the bed to pace the room. That was when a black shape on his bedside footlocker caught his eye. Taking it in his hands, he turned it over again and again, not quite registering what it was past the buzzing mess that was his current state of mind. When he did realise what it was, however, he dropped it as if burned, and watched it rock back and forth on the bedspread, it’s visor socket almost jeering at him in its expressionlessness.

A helmet.

A near replica of his past one, in fact. Now Hux’s words made perfect sense, Ben mused bitterly.

Snoke had presented him with his original helmet after the attack on Yavin Four, insisting it would help him separate himself from that life. Ben had readily agreed back then, eager to distance himself as much as possible. That mask had quickly become his safety net, as well as his prison. Ben needed it to hide himself, both from the people around him, as well as himself. Now…

Now he was somewhat repulsed by it an all it represented, but perhaps it would be of some use. Kylo Ren had never really been without his mask before Rey came along, it would help to regress back to it for the time he would need to embody that aimless ruthlessness again.

He wasn’t sure how long he spent standing there, just staring at the sightless helmet, and lost in the incomprehensible din that wracked his mind. The pain of waiting on served to amplify the echo that was left in his mind whenever the bond between himself and Rey was cut off in this manner. It was akin to an itch that one could never scratch, or a headache that couldn’t be soothed…Perhaps even a high-pitched whirr that always teased the edges of hearing, but never quite invaded nor ebbed.

On further thought, Ben decided that all of those, and more, would be better alternatives to the absence that taunted his mind.

Mercifully, a knock on his door provided an adequate distraction.

Ben all but tore it open, to find a vaguely harassed officer standing at attention.

“Your prisoner is ready, sir. Cell thirty-four-“

Ben was out of the door and walking before it had even begun to slide closed once more, and the officer had to almost jog to keep up.

“-We’ve taken the usual steps to prepare her for you, sir, as per your typical mandate-“

Oh _Force,_ no.

Ben walked faster and his breath was coming short. The officer had slunk away, his words trailing off, as he no doubt saw what was akin to a murderous expression etched on Ben’s face.

His typical mandate…

His typical-

When he reached the cell, he was stopped by another officer. This one cowed under the glare Ben shot him as he shakily handed over an envelope.

“Her personal effects. Just a necklace.”

Ben took the package without a word, and the officer scuttled off, along with the two Stormtroopers who had originally been guarding the cell. While he waited for the hermetic door to open, Ben tipped the make-shift kyber crystal necklace out onto his palm. He had found many little shards like that one, but only one piece big enough to function as a focusing crystal. Why she would make a trinket out of his…Ben swallowed the dryness in his throat, and before he knew what he was doing, he hastily pulled the twine around his neck, and tucked the crystal under his tunic.

Then he stared straight ahead till the heavy door slid open, and he could enter the cell. The resounding clunk behind him indicated it had automatically shut once more.

His typical mandate.

Sure enough, when his eyes adjusted, Rey was strapped to one of those Force-damned interrogation pallets.

She disarmed him by throwing him a bright smile, though Ben could see it falter. Without any further hesitation, he strode forward and hastily pulled her out of the restraints, tucking her against his chest and running his hands up and down her back. As he held her, Ben silently thanked the Force and any other power out there that such chambers as these had no monitors or recorders in them.

Rey’s hands were clenched in his tunic over his shoulders, and her head was nestled under his chin when they found peace in each other’s closeness, and simply stood as they were.

“Did they hurt you at all?” he breathed, relieved that she had not looked any different to when he had seen her vanish into the halls, bar for simple grey robes instead of her combat ones.

She only shook her head against him, her voice otherwise muffled by his clothes.

He let her be, content to just hold her while she sorted through her own thoughts, trembling slightly in his embrace. He wasn’t a fool. He knew she was doing her best to put on a fearless front, and it was not an easy thing to do.

After a few moments of gently rubbing circles into her back, Ben turned his head to kiss her hair, and that was when she let herself crumble ever so slightly. Rey’s breathing was ragged, and Ben could feel the anxiety in her stance.

“You don’t have to be brave now, Rey. It’s just us.”

“I know,” she mumbled into his chest, still trying to keep her voice light, “But it’s good practice.”

Ben squeezed her closer, resting his cheek atop her head, and flicking his eyes around the room.

The chair, a bunk, and a refresher station. He hoped she’d be satisfied that he would be alright soon, so that he could devise a way to get her out of this damned place. Ben only dreaded what it would be required to _prove_ that Snoke was appeased. Soon enough, Rey calmed in his arms, and took on an air far more tranquil than Ben could ever hope to be. He pulled her to sit on the bunk then, letting her shift and curl up against his side till she was comfortable before wrapping his arms around her shoulders once more.

Now it was just a game of waiting. Waiting for open-ended orders, or an ultimatum…Ben didn’t quite know which of the two would be worse. Snoke enjoyed playing games.

It didn’t take very long for the start of his answer to come, and Rey managed to kick him off the bunk for him to correct himself just before Hux entered. The General regarded Rey’s now free, but still seemingly-fragile form on the bunk where she now lay, facing the wall, and huddled with her knees near her chest. Ben struggled to suppress a whimsical smirk at her actions. She was sharp witted and quick, there was no denying it. He could not imagine being on this woman’s bad side during a true fight, for he would surely come off second best, fair and square.

His whimsical musings did not last long before Hux told him that Snoke called an audience. This was no shock to Ben, and he grimly accepted his fate, following the General out with one last glance at Rey before the doors closed.

Damn her, but she actually managed to peek over her shoulder and give him another encouraging nod.

Perhaps, Ben thought as he came to the choice of corridors again, that mask truly _would_ prove useful. There was no escaping the dread that had begun to well within him, icy and leaden. Snoke was not easy to fool, and Ben was hardly a master of deceit. He would need all that he could get to supplement what Rey had taught him. Even then, it was a risky deal…

He let Hux carry on, and walked to his chambers first to fetch the helmet.


	51. Must

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE:
> 
> My darlings I’m going to have to disappoint you again :( There most likely won’t be a chapter tomorrow, as my next practical course is Video, and we’re doing all of our shooting tomorrow. I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry.
> 
> I’m a peon I know.
> 
> But I love you all for putting up with these sporadic no-fic days, especially since they always seem to come just before tense and/or pivotal chapters.
> 
> Y’all sugarsweet cinnamon rolls <3

**_Chapter 51: Must_ **

Rey pulled her legs tight against her chest when she heard the magnetic locks of her cell door activate, and pressed her forehead against her knees, taking a shuddering breath. Their bond may have been blocked, but that did not mean that Rey could not feel his Force presence, and the energy he exuded. Rey also knew that Ben was not easily fooled, and from the expression on his face when he left, he _knew_ she was worse off than what she was letting on. It would not suffice to say that she was scared.

Scared for him meeting with Snoke, as unstable as Ben currently was, scared that Snoke would see right through them both. Scared of what he would do to her, now that she was the First Order’s prisoner…Another pet Force User.

Rey felt no regret for her course of action, but this didn’t mean she was not afraid. There was a very real possibility that both of them could lose their lives if they didn’t play their parts, and while their antics thus far had fooled the petty officers, Snoke would be another story.

In all truth, there was still the frightening possibility that they may not need to act at all…And Snoke would simply be content to use them against each other.

Either way, they were in far too deep now. Rey was locked in a cell, on _Korriban,_ with no way out. Ben was en route to report to Snoke. Their fates would hang on the events of the next few hours, and that was a sobering thought indeed. Rey couldn’t quite bring herself to think in depth of what her friends were going through at this time. She had heard the lazy conversations between troops as they tossed her in a decontamination unit, and gave her standard robes. Dxun had been a Resistance victory, but a hollow one, as they had lost their great secret weapon, _Captain Kenobi._

Rey had silently rejoiced that Ben had been right, and the First Order had lost, but she chose to ignore the guilt that twisted in her gut at the thought of the Skywalker’s dejection. Leia at realising what would undoubtedly be sold as ‘Kylo Ren’s good work’, and Luke at having to bear the possibility of another student going awry. It was not as if he didn’t already think she was going down the wrong path. He was probably already bracing himself to see two red sabers in battle next, instead of one.

Maz was most likely agonising over the likelihood of seeing none.

Chewie was missing his second Little One. Poe and Finn were probably arguing to set off and find her. Thank goodness Leia could keep a reign on them.

Rey hoped she would be able to assuage their fears soon. She just had to hold out till Ben would be safe, at least for a little while longer. Just until he was safe…

Or coming with her. She had to get Ben out of this place, she _had_ to convince him that there was a lesser evil out there. It was plain that he was slowly coming around, and Rey knew that it was a tall order to erase an entire existence _again,_ especially when it was all he knew for the bigger part of his life. Wasn’t it always the hardest thing to do? To change your ways and admit you were wrong?

There would definitely be reproach from the Senators, and harsh verdicts at that. Rey didn’t quite know what she was going to do once she brought him back, but thinking about that now was a fanciful thing when they may not even make it out alive.

Ben had, after all, severely disappointed Snoke. He had let Rey go at every turn till now, and most of the Elite compounds were dust thanks to her. He had let Luke live, he presumed to ignore his attachments and avoid destroying the root. Rey would not be surprised if Snoke ordered her death, and the realisation that that outcome was believable was a disquieting one.

She should have just dragged him with her when she had the chance, no matter what his fears, even if they were entirely valid. Sure, he knew the First Order well. Sure, he knew what Snoke was capable of…And Rey would never be able to forget the way he looked on Dxun, in pain as he was…

But she should have damn-well bundled him up and shipped him to Leia when she had her hands on the controls on Utapau. She should have thrown him into stasis on Dxun and waited for the battle to end. Kark Snoke and all he could do- and kark the Resistance Senators too- Rey would have worked tirelessly to protect Ben from Snoke’s attacks, and she would have stood by his side day and night to make sure no murder attempts were made, at least till the war ended as decorum demanded.

Any other soldier would have taken him in without a second thought about the consequences, and Rey should have too. No, Captain Kenobi should have. Rey, on the other hand, she cared too much. She was afraid of Snoke’s power over Ben, and the ease with which he could cause him harm. Rey knew better than anyone that the only way one could defend themselves from such mental intrusions, was _by_ yourself, and Rey prayed the Ben would catch on to her techniques before Snoke sought to rend his mind apart for the last time. She cursed herself for not teaching him sooner, then perhaps all of this could have been avoided. They could have left Dxun together and only had to deal with physical threats. But no.

She had made another mistake, and it was one that could cost them far more than their stability.

The sound of the door hissing open once more startled her out of the foetal position she was huddled in, but she relaxed when she saw Ben’s silhouette in the doorway again.

Well, Rey thought, slowly stretching her libs out and sitting up, she must have been lying there longer than it had felt. Then she focused on Ben’s face and all the anxiety came flooding back when doubt entered her mind as to if it really was him…No, no that was his Force presence.

She was looking at Kylo Ren’s helmet, with its inky black and empty eyes.

His whole body was tensed, and he clutched a silvery case in his gloved hands to the point of making the metal give. Ben stepped forward, and the door swept closed. He didn’t take off the helmet, and it filled Rey with an uneasiness she hadn’t felt around him in a while. The fear and reluctance rolling off him did not help to lessen her alarm.

“Another of your interrogation toys?” Rey asked with an attempt at dry humour, but he shuddered in response, and hunched with a surprising weight of hopelessness.

“Ben?” she asked softly, watching him as he dropped the case onto the small tool-table next to the chair.

He gestured for her to come to him, and she could see that his hands were shaking. As she walked to him, he opened the case to reveal an odd device the likes of which Rey had never seen. It consisted of three segmented metal arms. Two of them looked like they met at the ends, but the third, the longer one, ran to a point. Ben leaned heavily on the chair and she could hear him struggle to breathe even from behind the mask.

Cold dread settled in her gut as she studied the devise, and the possible configurations began to take shape in her mind. There was no ignoring the semblance it had to a slave restraint collar, only this was of a design Rey had not even seen on Jakku.

“It’s a neural inhibitor-”

If the room had not been so silent, Rey would never have heard Ben utter those weak words.

“-Vong design. Snoke has _requested_ you wear one when I bring you to him.”

Requested, sure.

Rey knew she could not disguise the ill look that threatened her countenance, and from what she could feel, Ben’s feelings mirrored her own.

“What will it do?” Rey whispered. She had heard of neural inhibitors before, but what use they would be in this case was beyond her.

He did not answer for a long time, and she flicked her eyes to his mask’s socket before he articulated anything at all.

“It…It will render you incapable of guiding the Force,” he said, his head bowed, “Unable to feel it, unable to use it…” Despite his voice steadily rising above a whisper, it held no strength, nor confidence.

Rey gulped, her lungs devoid of air. Of course Snoke would not swallow any story Ben spun him. Of course he would want her stripped and fragile before him. A prisoner with the ability to resist was no prisoner at all, and completely inadequate as a slate whereupon Snoke could carve his wishes.

Snoke would need her defenceless.

This, though unsettling, offered her a tiny amount of wistful hope that he did not intend to kill her…Not today, at least…Maybe.

“ _How?_ ” Rey choked, finally taking a breath past the tightness in her throat.

Ben lifted the weighty apparatus, and now Rey could see the small, thin needles that were on the ‘tail’ part. One per segment, but only the top three.

“Cerebral interference.”

The inhibitor quivered with the shaking of Ben’s own arm.

Rey cleared the bubble at the back of her mouth, trying to chase away the dryness there as she raised a hand to touch the alien material of the device. So those needles…Went into the back of her neck…

Force she felt faint.

Ben grabbed her arm with his free hand, no doubt sensing her sudden terror.

She let him tug her against his chest, and stared at the glistening needles when he dropped the inhibitor on the chair to better hold her. Rey could hear his heart beat wildly in his chest. Of course the equipment would resemble a nightmare. Of _course_ it would, it was made for intimidation first, practicality later…And it was working.

“How uncivilised,” she muttered, her tense shoulders betraying her blasé tone.

He didn’t show any humour at her jab, and she didn’t blame him.

“Come on then,” she sighed, consciously pushing away the broiling repulsion and panic in her gut, “Let’s get this over with.”

Ben took hold of her shoulders, and she could feel his gaze though she could not see his eyes. Rey didn’t try to meet it, staring instead at his chest.

“Do you trust me?” he asked, reluctantly picking up the apparatus.

Rey nodded, biting her tongue to quell the nausea that threatened to rise up.

She felt the weight of the tail end of the device between her shoulder blades when he draped the two halves of the collar around her neck.

He gave pause, then said in a begging tone, “Hold onto me.”

The hurt in his voice stuck her deeply, and she was glad to have done as he said when he, with shaking hands, pressed the tail of the band down her spine where it lay. The needles slid in between her upper vertebrae with ease and the pain of it was something extraordinary. She gripped him with white-knuckled hands as he buckled and adjusted the collar, her pulse racing hard enough to be felt against the metal. The burning of the needles, however, was nothing in comparison to the sensation of grappling for the Force, only to find that it just…wasn’t there.

It was in that instant that Rey realised she had never truly been without the Force. It had always been there, even during her years on Jakku. She had always felt it, she had always drawn on it, without even realising it. Now it was gone, wafting at the edge of her reach and slipping away. The numbness made her want to tear at her skin and scream. Instead, she focused on Ben, struggling to keep her poise. When her knees finally buckled, Rey was glad to have clutched his shoulders, and glad for his arms around her waist, both supporting her and clinging to her.

Though Rey was unable to see his face for the mask, and now rendered unable to properly feel his Force presence due to the specialised band, she was viscerally aware of the storm that was brewing within and around him, just from the air he gave off. Anger, hate, bitterness, regret. Rey knew that, somewhere in Ben’s mind, he was swearing to himself that Snoke would pay.

For this, Rey was determined to push through. She would endure whatever happened, both as penance for not acting sooner, and as promise to correct it.

“I’ll get you out of this Rey,” he murmured through the modulator, “I promise you…”

She squeezed his shoulders in reassurance, her head resting on one of her hands, after finding herself unable to speak past the effect of the collar. Perhaps that would be a good thing. Maybe, it would prevent her from screaming. In a show of determination, she forced herself to put weight on her feet again, and straighten her back past the intrusion of the device.

He understood her gesture, and slowly moved her to the door, opening it.

Rey panicked then, aware that he still had one arm around her waist and the other reached across to hold her upper arm in order to somewhat support and guide her. Ben ignored her struggles to get free, and waved down the Stormtroopers who rushed to his side to take her from him.

“But, sir-“

“Now, do you _really_ want to try restrain a Jedi?” His strained voice crackled over the modulator as a threatening tone, and so the use of the mask proceeded to make more and more sense to Rey. “Even one wearing a neural disruptor is one who can still wreak havoc. I’ll do it.”

The spooked Stormtroopers stood down, and instead gathered found to escort them wherever they needed to go.

Rey didn’t really pay attention to where they went. She couldn’t. The disrupter was doing more than scattering her connection to the Force, it was scrambling all her other senses as well. This, however, did not stop her from experiencing bitter dread when Ben walked her to a stop before two large stone doors that groaned with their own weight as they started to open, revealing a dark crypt of an amphitheatre beyond. The Stormtroopers were not with them anymore. They stayed in the adjoining antechamber.

Ben’s arm tightened around her waist, and shifted to take on more of her weight as he surely felt that it was taking every ounce of Rey’s strength to keep herself on her feet. Rey hoped no one would see the tenderness in his grip, past the show of severity he displayed.

Her thoughts were not so muddled as to miss that Snoke would ensure there was no room for pretence.

“Remember,” she managed to breathe to him as panic gripped her, “Kylo Ren.”

Ben’s breath caught in his throat, and Rey silently pled that he would be able to do what needed to be done, no matter the order.


	52. Impasse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 more snippets to go, yo!
> 
> And then...then... >:3
> 
> on another note, I am a freshly crisped human being after being in the harsh South African sun for 6 hours to shoot the video footage. Any good remedies for, like, second-degree burns? ^.^’

**_Chapter 52: Impasse_ **

Rey didn’t quite know what she expected to see when she saw Supreme Leader Snoke for the first time other than glimpses of twisted skin, hollow eyes, and lanky, cloaked figure in Ben’s mind. The flickering, towering hologram was a far cry from what she imagined, and confusion beat out all the fear she had felt.

Was this collar not for his convenience? Was it not meant to keep her docile while he meted out his judgement or attempted to turn her where Ben had failed?

Then seething outrage boiled in her, filling her senses and almost succeeding in drowning out the constant pain of the collar.

Coward, she thought venomously. Snoke was a _coward._ He pulled at puppet strings form relative safety wherever he was, and held the threat of death over his subordinate’s heads. He was no different from the Republic she had read so much about, and no different from their enemies either. The Trade Federation, the Empire that had grown as a parasite then overtook them. He was no different from the Jedi Council and the Sith Lords.

Snoke was just like them. A being of immense power surrounded by mysticism that struck enough fear or respect into their underlings to keep order, and letting other people do the dirty work while they were comfortably removed from the fallout.

It made her sick.

The mangled face bore crooked, sharp teeth in a mockery of a grin as the sunken sockets appraised the debilitated girl before him, in the arms of his strayed apprentice.

“Rey Kenobi,” Snoke spoke evenly, but with a keen undertone that had Rey leaning into Ben with its assuredness, “How I have been awaiting our acquaintance. A pity, indeed, that it is under such trying circumstances-”

Rey did not miss the heightened tension that stiffened Ben’s body. He was startled, and suddenly far more terrified than before. It did not surprise her that Snoke knew her lineage-hell, it seemed that _everyone_ did now- But Ben was no doubt so tightly strung that it would make him fear what _else_ Snoke knew.

“-Unfortunate, that my apprentice could not persuade you before it came to this. It is an odd sentiment indeed, persuasion,” he mused, a wistful edge to his ghostly voice as it appeared to emanate from every edge of the room, “The Jedi, you see, stole their followers while they were but infants and had no choice in the matter. Sith numbers grew out of willingness to join, whether it be as a result of being shown the power of the Dark through torture, or out of already-existing primal lust for that power. Persuasion was a very rare tactic indeed, as it relied on independent thinking, which was not common amongst the religions of the day-“

Rey didn’t even try to stop the rage from surging in her chest when one lazy gesture from Snoke had Ben trembling beside her as he slowly let her go, taking several steps back. She stood on shaky legs, but she held her weight nevertheless, and held a defiant gaze with the giant figure.

“-Now, Rey Kenobi, I intend to make the Galaxy a much simpler place, and set the cosmic score, if you will, of the Force back to zero. Wound it, cripple it, so that it might reinstate as something that is in more solidarity with its children. It is not a universal energy. It is a genetic propensity native to this Galaxy and perhaps a few beyond it, and it has gotten far out of hand since the time of The Builders-“

Reset the Force? Re- _write_ the Force? Was it even _possible_ to effect the Force so?

Memories of the emptiness of Malachor rose from the static in Rey’s mind, and she balked as the dots connected. The scale of death…The war. Snoke was insane. He was insane and he was genuinely orchestrating the desire of his madness…

They were all puppets. The Resistance, the First Order. He didn’t care who won or lost, just so long as the effect he wanted was achieved.

Rey could barely stay on her feet any longer.

“-For my vision, I require followers of a certain ilk, a certain crossroads or waypoint of the Force. Kylo Ren is one such calamity of Dark and Light. A clean slate, so to say. I have great hopes that you will be another, Rey Kenobi. You are a powerful person, and it would be a waste to not include you,” he sighed then, but it was clear to Rey that he felt no true guilt or conflict over her, “You cannot say that we did not try to persuade you kindly. You were saved once from the injustices of the old system, indoctrinated as an infant-“

Force, Rey felt herself pale, he knew that too. Ben was right to have been hesitant to run.

“-It would be unfortunate to have to inflict the torturous ways as well,” he intoned with affected regret, “but I will order it, if your heart is unwilling to appreciate my benevolent goals for the Galaxy.”

Benevolence, Rey scoffed to herself. Didn’t every regime think that of themselves? The best for the people, though they may not think it or want it at the time…

Rey continued to stare into Snoke’s dead eyes, fully aware that he never intended to let her out of this room unharmed. The neural inhibitor hung heavy around her neck now, and the pain it wrought by blocking her from the Force demanded to be felt. Its purposes grew to be far more nefarious as the situation progressed, and denial-ridden dread made Rey’s limbs cease as Snoke’s implication-laden monologue sunk in.

Snoke tilted his head and regarded her with amusement in his eyes before allowing them to flick over Ben, who stood off to the side with tangible anxiety rolling off him.

“You did well by bringing her here, boy. Very well indeed. You have provided the perfect opportunity for your redemption,” Snoke gestured to Rey where she stood, his splayed hand outstretched to the full extent of his elongated digits, “This creature has only rebelliousness in her soul. She had rebelled against her nature, she has rebelled against the idea of the Force, and she is rebelling against my offer. What more will she rebel against? Surely there is more use for her…”

Rey shuddered at his falsely contemplative tone. She knew what was going to happen long before Snoke said it. Was it not the way of the universe? To turn friends into foes, by decision or force…

“She has affected you with this defiance of hers for a long time now. Your position has been compromised. Rectify it.”

Rey prayed he had the sense to do as Snoke demanded, but for a moment, even though the moment was tiny, she genuinely feared that he would call for her death.

“My Master?” Ben asked, his voice tuned to a deadly whisper with the aid of the modulator.

“Compassion is a weakness,” Snoke intoned, “It will prevent you from embracing your destiny to settle the Force. It will stay your hand from striking obstacles down or bending them to your will,” Snoke intoned, “Crush that compassion now.”

Rey could feel Ben hesitate, and Snoke’s eyes narrowed in vague impatience.

“Channel that anger you feel at your weakness, for I know you feel it. Use it to snuff out the Light that causes it. Show her the ways that I wish to make anew-”

Lightning arced between Snoke’s fingers, and both Rey and Ben tensed reflexively in understanding of his intentions.

“Show her, and show me your willingness for redemption.”

Redemption…

It seemed redemption and damnation were just as interwoven as Light and Dark.

Love and hate.

Rey sunk to her knees in anticipation, wholly unable to keep herself upright any more, but she did not look away from Snoke. Every part of her silently begged Ben to just do it, and she ignored all stinging thoughts that made her doubt. She would not give in to that one inkling that pled for Ben to resist Snoke instead.

They would not leave the base alive.

Rey could feel the loathing that emanated from the man behind her, and she hoped he could read her far clearer, and knew what he had to do.

She braced herself the second she felt defeat, and did not so much as whimper when the first arc of lightning hit, in stark contrast to the bitter loss of its wielder.

Perhaps the collar was a good thing, for it provided a sensation far worse than the scorch of the Lightning. Snoke’s gleeful expression, staring straight back at her with smug triumph, made the rage and resolve within her burn far brighter, and it proved an excellent distraction.

Rey kept her teeth clenched, and her tongue pressed to the roof of her mouth. She would not scream. He thought her rebellious? She would _show_ him just how deep that conviction ran. With any luck, her spirit would keep her alive just one day more. Though her body shook, and she eventually fell forward onto her elbows with the onslaught of being wracked with tongues of electricity, she did not break her silence.

Snoke not caring for either side in the war woke Rey up to what she had been blind to for so long, happy to just have a semblance of a family, and it had wrought a will that no form of manipulative torture would ever break.

For Rey, it was enlightenment akin to her acceptance of the Force as it was. The regime didn’t matter at all, only the people in it, and she couldn’t care for anyone beyond those she held dear. She didn’t owe the Resistance, or the First Order, anything.

Only the people in it.

It was only by running that resolve through her head over and over that she fought off the nausea caused by the infliction. Her arms shook underneath her, and for one terrible moment, Rey honestly believed she would be able to withstand it no longer. Her mind whited out then as the pain from the attack began to equal that of the collar upon first feeling it.

Then, as suddenly as she lost sense, it stopped, and the floor of the amphitheatre came into focus once more. She heard Snoke laugh then, but what he said was lost to her ears.

Astonishingly, Rey found that she still rested on her elbows, and had not fallen flat on the floor. Her thoughts were slowed, and it took longer than it should have to realise that the stone was not falling away from her, but that she was instead being picked up.

It took even longer for Rey to feel the arms that hooked under her legs and clutched her to a warm, familiar chest. As her senses came back to her, Rey started to see more and hear more despite her head spinning at the speed that she was whirled out of the room.

_‘Do you trust me? Hold onto me.’_

Rey had wanted to believe him. Now she clung to those words as the man who was Kylo Ren and a small escort of Stormtroopers marched her back to the detention cells from the amphitheatre.

The same group of Stormtroopers who attended her back now had been the ones to arrive at her cell after Ben had applied the disrupter. Like then, he refused them once more, and instead supported her himself. This was to ensure her co-operation, of course. Though now, on the return trip, Ben was clutching her to his chest with a bitter sense of urgency. All cautious hope and nerve from before was gone. In its place was an ugly panic that reflected in his unsteady breathing. Rey was doing her best to focus on something- anything- that diverted her mind from the skin-crawling agony that the collar was still causing. It numbed if not completely cut off her feel of the Force, and it made her want to scratch her skin off. Beginning to hyperventilate, she felt Ben’s arms shift around her to better cradle her, and purposefully slowed her breathing in response. It killed her that he could feel and hear her as loud as if she were screaming, but she could barely feel a thing from him. Sinking deeper into his embrace, Rey became aware of his heartbeat. Fast and panicked.

Gradually, soothing tendrils that crept from his grip on her chased the searing burn away, and cleared her senses further, granting her mind more lucidity.

Perhaps Force Lightning truly could be as physically taxing as they said, Rey thought deliriously while remembering her taste of using it on the Vong as her head lolled against the rough spun cotton of his hooded cape. Odd, that Rey’s experience with it would leave her powerful and his would leave him broken. She knew just how ridiculous that thought was with the two incidents being so incomparable, but the alternative reason for Ben’s state was both far too terrifying and far too hopeful for Rey to digest at the time. Though, as things often went, Rey figured she was going to be forced to face their interactive change sooner than she would like.

Rey was pulled from her reverie when a Stormtrooper protested Ben taking a left, away from Detention and toward Residence. One swift look from the man, even with the mask, was enough to send the Stormtroopers away to their posts in Detention with no further argument. Rey assumed that the slight crackling of electricity in the immediate air around the unstable Kylo Ren may have had something to do with their willingness too.

Now that they were gone, Ben took no care in modulating his laboured breaths, and they fast became audibly erratic. He practically ran the last few steps to his door before punching the console to open the door and closing it just as fast. He placed her as gently as he could on his lone lounger before staggering back and wrenching his mask from his head, throwing it to the floor. The man in front of her was gasping for air and paler than usual. His cheeks were wet.

Rey was unsure of many things about them, but not of that fact that the man that stood before her right at that moment was not so much as a shadow of Kylo Ren. The façade of Kylo Ren had shattered in that amphitheatre where Snoke had been waiting for them, to test them both. So, Supreme Leader Snoke had ordered Kylo Ren to torture Captain Kenobi until he saw fit to end it, and it seemed that Ben had passed the test for now.

She no longer felt the burn of the Lightning, and knew exactly why. Rey had not been oblivious of the cool waves that had washed over her body the minute Ben had gotten his hands on her again, and Snoke was no longer around. Nor was she ignorant of what that sensation was, now that her mind was clear.

“Ben.” She said, only managing a hoarse whisper. He was looking at her in pure fear.

No matter what, she had told him. Rey felt her heart ache.

“Ben.” Her voice was louder now, and she shakily lifted herself into a seated position. He only edged farther away from her, shaking his head in disbelief and horror.

“Ben please,” Rey could not keep the pain out of her voice now, she wanted to reach out to him but couldn’t, reminded once more of that Force-damned collar, “ _please_ get this _thing off of me.”_

He nodded shakily, quickly moving to her and lifting her into his arms as if she were made of porcelain. He pulled his gloves off and began working on the complex linkages over Rey’s spine once she had looped her arms around his neck for support. Ben had freed her up to the nape of her neck when she froze at the feeling of a raw sob wracking his body. As he moved to the collar around her neck, there was a beat when Ben lightly cradled her face in his hands before moving them down to hurriedly pull the horrendous thing open.

Once again, he let her fall to the couch as he put distance between them, clutching the collar in his hands.

“Ben-“

“ _I can’t.”_ He forced through clenched teeth before retreating into the adjoining room.

Rey could only lie listlessly on the couch as sounds of the poor room’s destruction at the blade of Ben’s lightsaber met her ears. At least she could feel him again.

What she felt, however, shook her to her core.

Ben Solo’s Force signature had more light in it. Flashes attacked the red and the red was powerless to fight it. Even his rage couldn’t sustain any lasting force of resistance. Memories of the meeting were flooding his mind as he hacked away at anything within his reach.

_‘Compassion, Snoke had sneered, is a weakness. Crush it now.’_

_‘Channel that anger you feel at your weakness. Use it to snuff out the light that causes it.’_

Then, an intrusion on his mind during Snoke’s vocal goading, something that Rey had not been privy to.

 _You will do it, Ren. You will or I will make sure you can never have her again, in any way. You will grow to hate her. You will LEARN to cultivate hate in the weakness she causes in you, and you WILL do as I say. You know what I’m capable of-_ Imagery of Snoke possessing Ben and running her through with his own saber overtook Ben’s mind as she heard him scream in the next room- _This is the power I wield, and you WILL submit to me, boy!_

It was then that he had broken.

It was then that Ben fell to the floor in the antechamber and wept aloud.

What was Rey to do but force herself up from the chair and stumble to him?

Her arms around his shoulders only made him shake more violently, a barely intelligible string of ‘I’m sorry’s’ muffled by his hands over his face.

Rey reached out to Ben over their bond and, ignoring his protests and half-hearted attempts at pushing her out, pulled him into her consciousness and tried her utmost to calm him, even if it was only a little. It hurt her to see him like this, but she had always known it to be an eventuality.

Kylo Ren had been bound for a fall, and now Ben Solo was bearing the burden.

_I can’t do this Rey. I can’t._

_Do what?_

He was inarticulate in his distress for a moment, before speaking again.

 _Us, Rey._ She felt ice run through her veins, but what she couldn’t tell is whether it was purely her who was frozen at the thought of what he could mean.

_Ben?_

_I can’t keep hurting you. I just can’t, but my chosen path demands...Rey, I...I-_ He was silent for a long time, taking measures to calm himself before continuing softly, _I don’t know what to do, Rey. But I know, out of the possibilities that I have, that any route ending in your death is unacceptable to me._

Ben cleared his throat, his voice cracking when he spoke aloud, “I just don’t know what to do, Rey. After all this time…” He trailed off.

Rey nodded against his cheek, where she had come to rest, “It’s time to make a decision, right?” she finished for him.

Ben swallowed heavily in response, his thoughts jumping to his mother. Rey was startled, but pleasantly so, that he even considered the General in his possibilities. Snoke had most probably just sabotaged his own plan. Ben’s eyes widened at her when he realised she could still hear him clearly. Rey smiled, leaning forwards and placing a soft kiss to his temple. His mind spoke of fear. Rejection. There was such intense fear.

Rey sighed, pulling him closer.

“Even if I’m not entirely in the clear, it’s enough. I’ll facilitate your escape, Rey,” Ben whispered when he returned her embrace, “a stolen TIE or similar. Few less Stormtroopers, I don’t care I-“

He was rambling, and Rey neatly cut him off by shoving her memory of his Force signature into his mind.

Ben Solo was left speechless.

It was a long time before he tore his attention away from the sight that shocked him to his core, and incited a hope that left him possibly more terrified than before. Rey nestled further against his chest, smiling again as he let his head rest on hers, the image of his own inexplicable proof of light etched into his mind.

Rey allowed herself with the cautious hope that, perhaps, Kylo Ren would not need to come back.

He would be fine…He had to be. Snoke was satiated for the time being, and the recent incident had proved that Ben could hide the bond between them to the point that Snoke still seemed oblivious. They would work this out, and Rey would be damned if she lost him to the Resistance’s neurotic Senators when he came back with her. War be karked, she owed them nothing. She loved her soldiers, and she cared dearly for her newfound friends, but Ben Solo had become far more important to her than just one more speck of a regime in the infinity of the Galaxy.

She had lost one life with him already, she would not lose another.

Just like there was no true Dark and Light, there was no clear right and wrong. There was only ever the Force, and what you would do to achieve what was right for you. Naturally, the division appeared when ideologies differed.

So frack them, frack them all.

The man in her arms shifted to tuck her more snugly against him, and his breath came more deeply, and Rey was overcome with a fierce protectiveness and resolve. The venom she felt towards both the Resistance and the First Order as the fascist fronts they were shocked her.

Though she may care deeply about the people back home, and the Resistance w _as_ the lesser of the two evils while they worked for the good of _most_ of the people… Rey could not continue to wear their mantle. To do so was to contradict the impartiality she had found in the Force itself. To continue to fight with them would be to abandon Ben to their rules.

Rey would not do that. She would fight _for_ them, sure. She would help them kill the threat that Snoke was, she would help as many people as she could. But Rey would not be one _of_ them anymore.

There were no rules in the cosmos that dictated what was right and what was wrong. There was only the Force.

Rey let her fingers tangle in Ben’s hair and gently rubbed his head reassuringly. Damn her if this, holding this man like this, didn’t feel _right._


	53. Renounce

**_Chapter 53: Renounce_ **

They only stirred from their embrace on the floor of Ben’s chambers when Rey shivered, a cold draft hitting her back. It was then that she became acutely aware that her robes were in tatters where the brunt of the Lightning had hit her.

Ben sighed slightly as he sat upright, and Rey leant back to look at him.

“We’re going to have to get you some new robes…” he muttered, not meeting her eyes, and tugging at his cloak.

“I don’t suppose that’s a given for when I go back into the cell right? No prisoner-robe refunds…”

Her words trailed off when his expression became furious.

“You are _not_ going back into that cell,” Ben growled, lifting his determined but still anxious gaze to hers while throwing his cloak around her shoulders, and pulling her back into his arms, still somewhat hesitant to touch her, “Let them think what they will. I won’t be here much longer in any case, and neither will you.”

Elation soared in her spirits, triumphant and giddy. She kept it carefully suppressed, though she knew she was hardly hiding herself from him.

“You mean it?” Rey asked quietly, “Are you really going to leave?”

“Yes, Rey, I do mean it.”

There was a knock on the door then, and Ben hurriedly got up from the floor and left her there.

Rey watched him leave, also getting up, but staying well away from the archway that lead to the living chamber. She heard muffled voices, and a man who was not Ben laugh. Choosing to ignore it and not even trying to eavesdrop, Rey turned to look at the room Ben had taken his wrath out on.

It was a bedroom.

Most of it bore lightsaber scars, but the bed and bedside table did not. Rey dropped onto the bed, and rested her back against the wall that it was pushed against, pulling Ben’s cloak tight around her to ward off the steadily growing chills. She couldn’t quite tell if her sudden frigidity was due to the actual temperature, or an effect of going into shock.

Rey pressed her lips into a wry grimace. It would not surprise her at all if it _was_ shock, or something akin to it. She had done so much…And so much of it just _wrong_ to herself. A military leader was not who Rey was. She wasn’t even a good poster child or role model. That was Finn, that was Poe, and that was Leia. How could she be? Rey had, after all, slept with the ‘enemy’. She cared for the ‘enemy’. She was perfectly willing to let herself take all she could for the ‘enemy’, if only to maybe help him save himself.

But that was essentially who Rey w _as._ She was a person who wanted to help _people,_ not be on the frontlines. It had seemed so simple in the beginning. Do these tasks for the Resistance, and you will be saving countless souls. For the greater good!

Bullkark.

Rey wanted to be out amongst the others who struggled as she did, helping them as she received help. How many people suffered with infantile Force-Sensitivity and all the horror that came with being unable to control it? How many were so terribly lost or subjugated because there was _no one_ who could help? It infuriated her. She was _not_ a soldier.

It was tearing Rey apart to have to balance who she was with the person everyone seemed to want her to be…Only that wasn’t completely the truth either.

Ben was something else entirely.

Whatever they had, whatever they were doing…It made Rey feel comfortable. She never felt more accepted for who she was than when they were in proximity. Though she knew he thought her mad for not giving up on him, he yielded to her and didn’t expect anything from her. Ben just…Seemed to revel in _her._

Rey jumped when the she heard the door close and lock. Ben’s presence moved away from hers, no doubt being called for some task or other, and in a few moments she couldn’t feel him nearby anymore. She was alone in the room.

Thank the Force the door was locked, because if there was one thing that looked entirely too appealing to pass up, it was the refresher unit that Rey spied through the next door.

Happily, she pushed herself from the bed and closed the door to the unit behind her. The refresher was rather obviously a recent addition, as there were metal panels over the stone walls that clearly marked where the ancient facilities had been altered to something more modern. Rey hesitated with her hands ready to pull Ben’s cloak off when her eyes caught the shattered mirror on the wall. The odd thing was, there were no shards to be seen. The floor was spotless, and there was probably more wall than mirror with all the missing pieces. It must have happened a while ago…

Pondering this, Rey pulled the cloak off and set it neatly aside before peeling the tattered grey robes off her clammy skin and letting them pool around her bare feet. She was shocked to find that her skin felt feverish to the touch, and begrudgingly concluded that she _might_ just be suffering a little…

Rey promptly shoved that thought to the side and climbed into the shower cubicle, marvelling at the fact that her skin bore no new marks. Ben really was getting frighteningly proficient at healing…

Well that didn’t help her heated skin at all, as it only served to remind her of the last time he had healed her to such perfection…And those were hardly appropriate thoughts to be having whilst being a captive, on Korriban, and recovering from torture.

Though, as the cold water hit her back, that time in the amphitheatre seemed about as far away as the incident on Malachor. It was fascinating, Rey thought while pressed against the edge of the shower and waiting for the hot water to kick in, how she could so easily walk away from moments like that, when he was there to catch her, and how battles fought alone haunted her for ages thereafter.

It was extraordinary, how her dreams and nightmares bothered her less and less the more time she spent with him. If he was there to calm her, it barely hurt her at all. Perhaps that was weakness, but it wasn’t as if she was _dependant_ on him. Rey simply wondered what could possibly be so terrible of letting that happen, as a pose to struggling along by herself.

But oh Force, how incredible it was that a simple _hot shower_ could take the tension right out of her muscles, and considerably lift her mood. Rey may have actually moaned as the gorgeous water ran over every part of her and steamed up the ‘fresher. How something so small could make her feel like she had energy enough to go one round with a terentatek was beyond Rey, but by the Force she could!

It seemed that the showers had a timer on them, though, and there was no stopping the outraged grunt that bubbled past her lips when the water rather abruptly cut off. Reluctantly, she stepped out of the warm vapour cloud and towelled herself dry. There was really no use in putting those robes back on again…They really had fallen apart when she had taken them off, burnt as they were.

This left her with a bit of a problem…However, Rey was relieved to find that Ben’s presence was still solidly in some faraway part of the base, and his mind was turned away from hers. Silently, she thanked the Force for that small mercy, and left the refresher with the towel tucked around her, and her balled-up robes in hand. Casting them aside to the nearby disposal bin, Rey turned tentatively to what seemed to be Ben’s locker space…Perhaps the man kept weapons there, perhaps nothing. Who knew?

Thankfully, they really were clothes lockers, and Rey pulled on one of his tunics with glee, fixing it around herself as tightly as it would go. Unfortunately, her leggings were very ruined, and his trousers were far too large. So, she was stuck with only a tunic, and his cloak, but the tunic was more than enough for her upper body, so she carefully draped his cloak over the footlocker. To her dismay, even past whatever post-trauma jitters she was experiencing, the room really _was_ cold, but it was only effecting one part of her. Rey clambered back onto his bed, and pulled the covers around her legs, sighing at the comfortable warmth it provided.

She hoped he wouldn’t mind…But deep down Rey knew that the notion was unnecessary as something assured her he really wouldn’t.

With a tiny smile, she let herself slide down further into the covers, but something on his bedside table caught her eye. A datapad, yes, but peeking out from under the datapad was a very small, crumpled corner of paper. Rey was utterly incapable of reaching out and picking at it.

Her hand froze in mid-air on the return trip, however, when her brain decided to catch up with her actions, and she realised exactly what it was.

The photograph…

 _The_ photograph.

Recovering, she pulled it closer as she snuggled into the bed, grateful for the thickness of the blankets and pillows compensating for the standard back-breaking mattress so uniform throughout the systems. With wide eyes and a long, gentle exhale, Rey let her fingers trace the smiling face of the young Ben Solo, and the positively tickled figure of a little Rey Kenobi on his shoulders. The picture was crumpled and faded, as if it had seen many different pockets, and far too many grasping fingertips.

Now hers would join the list that Rey undoubtedly knew only consisted of two people.

Staring at the photograph clenched in her fingers close to her face, and nestled in the bedding as she was, it was no surprise that she drifted off to sleep, though she hadn’t meant to.

It was something she could get used to, being woken up by Ben brushing the backs of his fingers across her cheek till she opened her eyes. For a second, Rey froze with the irrational shame of being caught out, but then smiled up at him with unabashed cheek, lifting one hand to catch his against her face.

The other still held the photograph.

He was sitting on the bed in only his undershirt and trousers, and Rey blushed to realise that he had most likely been back for a while.

Ben returned tender smile that reached his entire face, but it too devolved into something mischievous when he raised a brow and said, “Now, what am I supposed to do when I come back to find _this_ in my bed?”

Rey shrugged and scooted back till she was almost against the wall, “Join in?”

Ben chuckled softly, but surprised her by actually plucking back the covers and settling in beside her. Rey was relieved that his hesitancy to touch her from earlier was gone, and he curled his long legs around hers.

“Hey there,” she looked up at him, a little shy all of a sudden.

Ben pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead before throwing an arm around her as well, and taking the photo from her fingers.

“Hmm, I see you had a good look around,” his tone was light, and it made her unbelievably glad.

“Oh yes,” Rey teased, “Snooped as hard as I could while you were gone. I thoroughly mapped out the refresher, and your bed.”

“Indeed?” A grin pulled the corners of his mouth wider, and his eyes danced.

Rey nodded, taking the photograph back and reaching over to put it back on the bedside table.

“Tested them out too-”

She squeaked involuntarily when Ben tugged her down on top of him before she could fall back beside him.

“So I found,” he smirked, holding her on his chest, “And I will admit it sits pretty high up on my list of favourite sights.”

Despite the circumstances surrounding this moment, Rey could honestly have gotten lost in his glittering, _hopeful_ eyes and happily ignored the universe around them for an undefined time.

“Interesting,” she said softly, “and what would be the number one?”

“Seeing you that day in Takodana’s forest-”

At her raised brows, he tangled his fingers in her loose, still slightly damp hair, and continued.

“-Because even with all that was going on- you know now that not a day went by that I didn’t think of you- but to see you after all those years, and find you _well,_ and _capable…_ It was far more than I ever could have hoped for-”

“Ben-“ Rey licked her dry lips, struck by the sincerity and affection in his tone.

“-And it would be closely contested by seeing you sitting at that counter in that bar,” he breathed, “It felt like a very cruel trick was being played…Until I realised you weren’t going to run away.”

She would be lying if she said that the feeling of his mouth slanted across hers was anything short of bliss. The way they fit together never ceased to amaze her, and there was no stopping the warmth and giddiness that flooded her body when his hands ran over her, and she parted her lips for him when he suckled her lower one in question. Rey dug her hands into his hair in response, running her tongue over his upper lip and moaning when he deepened the kiss in return. Ben was not silent beneath her, he too was uttering little noises of pleasure whenever she lightly scratched his scalp, or launched an attack of her own with her tongue. Each moan would send a thrill through her body, and it was only heightened by the contentment and delight that sparked between them over the bond. His most satisfying whine of all was when she breathed his name while searching for air.

Ben was kissing her tenderly, that carefulness from earlier leaking into his every touch and caress. Ben explored her thoroughly as they were, but didn’t ask for any more. For that, at that moment, Rey was grateful. Though she could brush off the incident well enough, she had to admit that she still felt a little frayed from it, and if she felt distressed then she couldn’t imagine how Ben would feel. He had, after all, been the one to deal out the Lightning.

The incident, however, did nothing to dampen her feelings for him. She had told him to do what was necessary, and now they had enough room to figure s _omething_ out.

Rey didn’t regret it. She only regretted not equipping him sooner in a way that might have avoided that very shattering experience.

Their kiss slowed till they were simply resting on each other, but Ben only held her tighter.

“I need to leave this place, Rey. I need to,” he murmured against her, and she propped herself up on her elbows to better look at him. He had a conflicted expression on his face.

Rey felt reproach pool in her gut, “You’re not coming with me?” There was no actual question in her voice. She could see it on his face.

He shook his head, “Not right now, no. It’s an easy thing to leave the planet. Less so to abandon the First Order and run into the arms of the Resistance. I have to have s _omething,_ Rey, I have to-“

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I _do,_ and you won’t be able to convince me otherwise, Rey…Because I know the people who want me dead, and my mother would be able to do nothing to stop them unless I had something immediate to offer.”

Rey knew he was right, and she hated it.

“You don’t have to go back there…” Rey muttered, this time being the one to avoid his gaze.

She could feel the scrutinising look he was casting her.

“You mean, abandon everything and flit away? I won’t say that isn’t a tempting offer and I haven’t considered it before, but…”

Rey sighed, completely understanding the tension in his body and mind, remembering his thoughts from before about Leia, “You want to help your mother, and your uncle.”

“…Yes.”

Rey barely heard his reply it was so soft. It could have been his thought, she probably wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

He tried to catch her gaze, but she wouldn’t let him. Eventually, he gave up with the stares, and turned her face with his hand, forcing her to look into his eyes.

Rey knew he could clearly see the worried hurt in them.

“Please, Rey. There are only so many routes that will work, and aside from me wanting aid my mother, I can’t disappear with you just yet. While I can hide our interactions from Snoke quite well, I can’t yet hide _everything,_ and it’s far too risky-“

“I know,” she huffed, “I know, I’m sorry. I just want you to come back, but the Resistance…”

His eyes softened, and he pressed a gently kiss to her lips, “And you’re not remaining Captain Kenobi, being so ready to run to the fringes of known space?”

“No.”

His brows shot up at her tone, but he did not push her. He only nodded in understanding of what he no doubt felt in her mind.

Rey sighed, rubbing a hand over her eyes, “So what now, Ben? What happens?”

“Well, tomorrow you’ll be escorted back to your cell by a group of Stormtroopers who you’ll regrettably overpower now that the collar is off, and my perceived hold on you had slipped. Then you’ll stow away on a supplies transport headed to Manaan, from there it’s neutral ground so long as you lay low, and there are clear shots back to D’Qar-“

“And you?”

“-And I,” he smiled at her patiently, “Will search for a good way to get myself free with my life, and keep myself that way long enough for us to work something out if you feel so strongly about evading justice-“

Rey narrowed her eyes at him, “Don’t you even-“

“Relax,” he laughed, “I doubt I’d ever be able to go against your essential wishes, Rey. And that situation is still a long way away.”

Her eyes flicked over his face as his expression suddenly became sad, and his hands tightened around her waist.

“We probably shouldn’t communicate over the bond if we can help it till I find a way clear…It would-“

“Be an unnecessary risk,” Rey whispered begrudgingly, “I know.”

“-I just don’t want _anything_ like what just happened to befall you again, Rey.”

She lay her head on his chest, relenting to him and taking comfort in the way his arms engulfed her.

“Fine, Ben,” Rey sighed, “Just don’t take long.”

His laugh rumbled through his chest.

“For now though, go back to sleep. I’ll wake you up in enough time to get something to eat, and change into the robes I managed to find before your escort arrives. Robes that will actually fit you,” he teased.

Rey nodded against his chest, finding herself _very_ ready to go to sleep again now that she was comfortably snuggled in his arms, and groaned in faux-annoyance when he suddenly shifted to pull something from above her head.

Said something bumped her nose, and she opened her eyes to see her kyber crystal necklace dancing from his fingertips.

“We can sort out concealing your lightsaber later, for now I figured you’d want this back.”

Rey considered the gem for a moment, as well as Ben’s bashful tone. Then she shook her head, taking the string and pulling it around his neck again.

“You keep it, and give it back to me when we’re watching the sun set on D’Qar. Deal?”

Rey didn’t wait for a reply before she turned her head from Ben’s astonished eyes and nuzzled into his chest, fast slipping into slumber again.

She only just caught him whisper, “Deal, sweetheart.”


	54. Belief

**_Chapter 54: Belief_ **

Rey had been _very_ surprised that Ben’s plan had run off without a hitch. Mostly. They had overslept, and been woken by insistent pounding on the door. In the haste of getting dressed, Ben had neglected to return her saber before handing her over to a very smug General Hux, who sent her on her way with the group of Stormtroopers. It had turned out to be a fortuitous mistake, as the leader of the squad performed a pat-down on Hux’s order to make sure she was clean of anything even vaguely weapon-like.

It had been heartbreakingly easy to concuss the lot of them in a secluded corridor with a strong burst of the Force, and now Rey found herself slinking around the passageways, following the directions that Ben had babbled off to her while helping her tie up her tunic, promising to meet her there. Unfortunately, she was stuck with restraints around her wrists, Hux having been the one who had the keys.

Force frack it.

That was _not_ the right passage…Neither was that one.

And the room filled with petty officers that she only _just_ managed to avoid seeing her was most certainly not the transport bay.

She could have cried in relief when she saw the sign that indicated a loading bay, and bore the number Ben had told her to keep an eye out for. Rey was so on edge, she didn’t even feel the Force presence of the man who stood just inside, waiting for her, and she only just managed to suppress a squeak when she nearly collided into Ben Solo.

He steadied her with his hands on her shoulder, not succeeding in stifling his own laughter.

“Don’t mock me, Solo.”

“You got lost, in a clearly marked base…” he sniggered, unlocking her cuffs and tossing them to the side, “At least you aren’t late. In fact, the pilots aren’t even here yet.”

“Smashing,” Rey drawled, rubbing her wrists, and glaring at the chortling man.

It irritated her how his nervous elation made her so _damn_ happy. Rey would easily break all kinds of rules to make sure she could see that smile more often.

Slowly, Rey managed to sooth the faint ache from her wrists. She had jerked around quite a bit, and that had only served in activating the electric kick-back of the cuffs.

“Now how did you get that key?” Rey asked him, raising a brow.

“Spare, and Hux is rather oblivious when you provide him with a reason to be an insufferable gundark.”

“Oh?”

“Well, I _did_ have you captive in my room for the better part of the last thirty hours,” Ben flushed slightly, and Rey’s own cheeks betrayed her when the insinuation in Ben’s voice made sense in her head.

“Oh.”

He met her eyes shyly before bursting into gentle peals of laughter again, and pulling her into his arms, tucking her head under his chin.

“You are in awfully good spirits,” Rey remarked, grinning against his robes.

“Mm,” he hummed, the vibration rippling through his chest, “I’m only too glad to get you out of this damned place.”

“That all?”

Ben threaded his fingers into her hair and tugged her back to look at him, “Of course not. You…You’ve gone and given me hope. I haven’t felt like this in a long time, Rey. It scares me, but maybe, just maybe, it’s not unfounded.”

Rey cradled his face in her hands and returned his bright smile, “It’ll all work out, you’ll see. Make it so, right?”

He nodded, turning his head to kiss her palm before pulling her to the transport.

“All these crates are empty, this specific transport is going to pick up one of our shipments of kolto. You should be comfortable hiding in the back, and so long as you get out as soon as possible, you should be able to blend in with the rest of the civilians. Manaan maintains neutrality, so it shouldn’t be hard to find Resistance sympathisers, and-“

“Ben,” Rey tugged on his hand, cutting him off and locking his gaze with hers, “Breathe, you’re rambling.”

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, “I just want you to be safe.”

Ben rummaged in his robes then, and pulled out her lightsaber hilt, holding it out for her.

“Wouldn’t want to leave this behind,” Ben swallowed, then flicked his eyes to the far end of the hold sheepishly, “I’ve also left a flask of caffa, and water, as well as some food for you. It was all I could pull together with the time we were left with after oversleeping…”

She took the hilt gratefully, and smiled at him broadly, powerless to repress the swell of warmth in her chest.

“Anything is perfect, Ben, and far more than I was expecting.”

He raised a brow at her and returned her smile, still clenching her hand, “At least it’s not synthesized, and it should last you the trip to Manaan-“

Rey hugged him hard then, unable to hold herself back any longer. She could feel that a goodbye was near, and far too soon. Ben’s arms were tight around her waist, and his fingers dug into her sides to clutch her close.

“Is it wrong to not want to go?” she asked softly.

Ben snorted incredulously, “It’s impossible to understand, or even accept.”

“Better start working on it, then.”

A warning alarm blared over the hangar, and Rey knew their time was short.

“Pilots incoming, right?” Rey sighed, shivering slightly.

Cold once more, it seemed.

Ben nodded and leant back, letting her go only to pull his hooded cloak from where he had haphazardly tossed it around his shoulders earlier, and fixed it around her. He curved his hands around her again, pinning her with a pointed stare. Rey’s breath hitched in her throat at the gesture, and she was transfixed by his gaze.

That now-familiar anticipation boiled in Rey’s gut, and it was well rewarded when Ben bent down to catch her lips in a firm, but tender kiss, happily devouring her when she responded in kind. They parted when their air ran out, resting their foreheads together and letting their breath mingle.

Ben laughed through his pants, and Rey was smiling with a giddiness she never thought she’d feel in a situation like this. Ben Solo had completely ruined her, and she hardly felt that it was a bad thing, just a slightly confusing one that she didn’t have the nerve to think through yet.

Ben pressed his lips against hers one last time before letting his hands slide from her waist. With a sigh, Rey let him step back.

“I’ll see you soon, Rey,” he murmured as she moved to her allocated hidey-hole.

“You’d better, Ben,” she retorted with good-natured warning, “Don’t leave a girl waiting.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he smiled at her wistfully, his marred cheek dimpling in a way that only endeared him more to her, then he left with the hatch of the transport locking fast behind him.

The shutting of that hatch was enough to instil a feeling of sudden anxiety in Rey. It didn’t help that she couldn’t feel him in her mind, or in the hangar, any more. The block had started, and it made her oddly upset to not know when he’d call to her again.

It would be alright, she told herself as muffled voices moved from the landing pad into the cockpit, and the transport hummed to life, lifting off not long after. No one would find her, she would get back to D’Qar, and Ben would be free in no time at all.

She would just have to hang on till he was.

It would be fine.

Rey would continue to help Leia and Luke till Ben was back, and then they could work on removing Snoke from the equation. Once that was done, however…Would they do what had been mutually, inexplicitly suggested? Would they disappear? Would they hop from planet to planet, system to system?

Would they do this _together?_

Somehow, it didn’t seem like such farfetched idea…or even half-strange. Rey could see them doing it, and she _liked_ it. She liked the idea of them lazing in some cantina in the far corner of nowhere after a long day of doing odd jobs. Maybe helping more like themselves? Maybe finding lost Force-Sensitives and sending them back to Luke for help? Maybe hunting down lost Jedi as they went?

Would that be so bizarre?

Rey sat slumped against the bulkhead of the hold, and drew Ben’s cloak tighter around herself.

Rey really would look like a Grey Jedi now, perhaps even a Sith, with all these greys and blacks, she laughed at herself. At least it was warm, and the hood would prove useful for hiding her identity. She hunched her shoulders and let her head fall against the thick, bunched fabric, taking a deep breath.

It smelled like him, a scent that she couldn’t quite put her finger on, being something between pine forests of Takodana baking in the sun, and earth after rainfall, but not _quite._ It had lulled her to sleep, having clung to his bed and his tunic, and she supposed she had never really noticed that it was _his smell_ till now, in his blatant absence.

It smelled like home.

Force, it made her miss him, and she hadn’t even been in space for more than three hours, if the small holoclock affixed in the overhead panel was reading right.

Three hours? Already? It seemed she had perfected the talent of getting lost in thought.

Scratch that, it seemed she had perfected the talent of getting _lost_ too. At least she wouldn’t be missing for too much longer. Rey promised herself that she’d comm Poe or Finn’s private communicators just as soon as she found facilities on Manaan. It made her heart heavy with guilt to know that they’d all be rather beside themselves with her vanishing act. Rey loved them dearly, and she had a lot to make right with Luke, and Leia.

Rey had to apologise to Luke. He had been right to not want her wiping out the temples by herself, or at all. It was not good for her, and could have been handled another way. There was something to the Jedi way of pacifism after all, or else she just wasn’t of the right stock to make a full-time soldier. That was the way of the Guardian, after all. Rey was different, she needed balance, and she guessed she needed companionship too in this great, huge galaxy where every big, bad and ugly out there could kill you, or worse.

Rey was hardly the top of the food-chain, even with the Force. Jayal and Banor had been but tastes of what was out there, and they had very nearly killed her, if not for Ben. She supposed that the only reason she made it through relatively alright was because of Ben. Hell, he had even saved her from what would have been an untimely death at the hands of a Yuuzhan Vong.

There was no possible way that he was beyond redemption, with all the good that he was capable of and never had a chance to show before. Rey would vouch for him through anything, and if there was no chance of peace for him in Resistance space, then…

Jumping from home to home didn’t seem so bad at all.

The sensation of her stomach grumbling, reminding her that she had not had anything to eat since the officers who had processed her fed her synthesised gruel, jerked her right out of that train of thought, though the strange glow in her chest did not disappear along with it. Quickly, she rummaged through the crate Ben had indicated, and there amongst the empty kolto canisters were two flasks and a small case.

Inside the case, Rey found bread akin to three portions that she might have gotten on Jakku, along with strange fruit and berries that she’d never seen in her life. Despite her hunger, she knew she would have to ration the bread, fruit, and drink out for the trip across the Galaxy. Might as well get comfortable to…At least there was no way for the pilots to get into the supply hold while in space.

Rey thoroughly enjoyed the bread she allowed herself, and then gave in to temptation and tried a handful of the berries. Pretty soon, she just went and tried _all_ of the berries. They were tart, but with an underlying sweetness that Rey found she liked, a lot. It struck her then just how ignorant she still was about life outside of Jakku.

All the more reason to leave the militarised life she had become swept up in, Rey thought grimly as she took a long swig of the caffa, expecting it to be bitter. It wasn’t. It was sweet, but not rich like Poe made it, yet just as good. Rey squinted into the flask quizzically to find the liquid looking much the same as straight caffa, which puzzled her. She had to remember to ask these people for their secrets…

When she had set the goods aside, Rey curled herself up against one of the crates with her knees against her chest, and bundled the tail-ends of Ben’s cloak around her again. It was soft and worn, despite the rough-spun nature of the cloth, and provided excellent padding with its thickness, just enough for Rey to comfortably lie swathed in, and daydream till she dozed off.

There was no warning for what came next. No bad feeling, no foreboding. It just happened, and Rey suffered another Force terror.

Only one this time.

The one of clear waters, white beaches, and a man bleeding out on the sands. It was different though…There was _green._ Such bright, unnaturally lush green in contrast with the unusual blue of the sky, and the white of the sand. It was as if every colour was enhanced, save the colours of herself, and the man she ached for being consumed just out of her reach.

Rey, however, did not wake up screaming or gasping for air. She didn’t even flinch, but she did find, when she wiped her hands across her face, that there were little droplets oh her cheeks. With frustration, she roughly brushed them away, and tugged out another portion of bread to eat. Rey was just finishing up, and downing another gulp of water when her eyes caught the clock.

Holy frack, she choked on her water, she had been asleep for more than ten hours.

No, this was not right. She would have to ask that lovely Kaminoan doctor to give her a full medical when she got back. Kima Es was it? Yeah, the same one who worked on Finn. She was a nice woman who didn’t ask too many questions, and didn’t mind the task. With a huff, Rey pulled herself into a meditative fold and tried her best to focus herself. Unfortunately, as she was now, she couldn’t help but see images of her dream flash in her mind’s eye.

Every now and then, a tear would roll down her cheek and Rey would get more irritated each time. Yes, it hurt her. Fine. That was no reason to cry, but she just couldn’t help it.  Rey was scared. Each of the other dreams had played out, and if this one…

No. Fracking _no._

There was no way in hell she would sit idly by, or struggle, or fight, and _not_ reach him.

Rey would rather not think too deeply about why she felt the way she did, and did her best to empty herself of the toiling emotions threatening to rend her heart in two. They would be fine. Rey would be fine, Ben would be fine.

Rey just had to wrap up this blind servitude to the Resistance, and Ben had to get free of the First Order. Then they would be _fine._

It was no huge feat, she told herself. No impossible task at all.

One thing was certain, Rey thought as she placed her lightsaber in front of her and made to try a new meditative technique, was that she had to talk to Luke, and Leia. She had to talk to Finn and Poe. She needed to see Chewie and Maz. She needed to be with her friends, and reassure them as her comrades in arms that what she was going to do was for the best.

Rey needed to talk to all concerned, in some manner, what was going to happen with Ben, and she didn’t even know how to _begin_ to break the news to Leia and Luke, having been left out of the loop for so long.

Taking a deep breath, Rey pushed those thoughts around in her mind as she took her saber apart with the Force, and put it back together again. Over, and over, Rey would do it till her nerves calmed and she could think clearly on how to go about sharing the information.

If only her apprehension would actually go away.


	55. Faith

**_Chapter 55: Faith_ **

It had been a couple of days since Rey had left, and Ben projected that she would be a few hours from Manaan by now. Ben was on edge. There had been no communication between Snoke and anyone else. Hux was doing menial things to keep the troops focused and all around there were whisperings of some grand plan being in the works, though both Hux and Ben were utterly oblivious to any such thing.

In spite of all of this, the only thing going through Ben’s mind was what in the name of the great stars above was he doing?

The technicality of it was plain and simple. Treachery.

Ben was committing treachery of the highest degree to even _consider_ leaving the First Order, and yet here he was, pacing his chambers with her crystal clutched tightly in his hand and working up the nerve to start planning his desertion.

Desertion.

He was mad…Insane. But _Force_ did he want to do it.

There were no words to describe how painful it had been to follow Snoke’s order. ‘Painful’ in itself was a miserable, pathetic definition. Even with his promise to Rey that he’d do what needed to be done, Ben had been fully prepared to defy Snoke right then, whether he would have been killed for it or not. It had been only Rey’s begging, her _pleading,_ washing over him in waves as she could not control them that had impelled him to obey his master.

His master, Ben thought bitterly, his master had manipulated and pushed him for the last time. He had lost so much because of Snoke and his empty promises. Rey had done far more for him than Snoke ever had, or ever would. She had been the one to chase away his nightmares, s _he_ had been the one to calm the storm inside him, and help him find the fragments so that he could piece himself together bit by bit with her encouragement and urging.

Rey had been the one to risk everything, just so that they might have _something._

Now all that was left of the scared, helpless little boy was a single dream of carrying the woman he loved into clear pools and safety, only to collapse on the beach nearby. Relieved, though, that he had saved her.

That dream was the most recent to join the others, and it was the only one that remained. He didn’t care what kinds of tricks the Force was playing, he would do his best to make her happy, and somehow at least in part make up for the terrible deeds he’d done.

Reparations, Ben supposed, would be the only thing he could offer them. An adequate one would be Snoke’s location, and Snoke’s death. Ben would only be too pleased to oblige. The difficulty, however, was finding the creature. He never stayed in one place long, but something told Ben that Snoke was nearing his endgame, and this could prove an opportune moment. He would help by finding Snoke, and ending him before he could wreak havoc on the Force the way he intended. Ben was very aware that the battle may happen either way, but the main problem for people like himself, Rey, and Luke lay not in the death that would rend echoes in the Force, it was what Snoke would do the Force while it lay crippled. The Force could recover from concentrated onslaught, what was unprecedented was warping and manipulating it to the point of changing its nature Galaxy-wide, and not just in isolated pockets like various artefacts and Malachor V. That could not be allowed.

Even if he did this, and it succeeded against all odds, Ben knew he would be lucky to get a life sentence. He also knew that, once he had worn out his usefulness, and with the Galaxy in the state it was in, the Senators would not allow him to live, citing him as being a risk. A threat.

Rey’s suggestion seemed more and more appealing, but…

Ben wondered if he would wander alone, or if she was considering going with him. He would be lying to say he hadn’t entertained the thought of proposing a life with her outside of the Resistance. Ben snorted at himself derisively, knowing he was also a fool for dwelling on it, and thinking she would abandon the new family she had found in the Resistance.

But…But Rey had said that she no longer wanted to be Captain Kenobi.

Hope flared traitorous and true in his heart, and Ben knew there was no going back from being marked by her. His Rey, his sweetheart. Her willingness and want to be near to him only through him more and fuelled his hopefulness.

Either way, Ben knew that no matter the outcome, he would follow her. He had expected nothing, and Rey had given him everything. He deserved whatever the Senators had planned, and Rey was dead set on him escaping both the First Order and the Resistance. No matter how this last stretch would go, he would make sure that she survived it to live the life he had taken from her all those years ago in a bid to keep her safe from his own shortcoming.

Ben could not believe that Rey cared for him like she showed, and Force damn him if he _ever_ put her in another situation that resulted in her suffering.

As much as he wanted to, he knew there was no possible way to earn forgiveness from anyone. Rey had been right in that. All he could do was help, and hope that those around him would see the change.

Ben stopped pacing then and stared at the shattered mirror, something he had done a while back, unable to look at his reflection any longer.

Back then, all he had wanted was to be rid of the Light within him. Now, now he just wanted to go home, wherever home would end up being. Ben wanted to hold his mother and know she understood just how bitterly remorseful he was, and how he wished he could undo what had been done. He wanted to spend at least _some_ peaceful time with what was left of his family. And he wanted _her._

He wanted to hold Rey close at a time when they didn’t have the weight of a war’s expectations on their shoulders, and two superpowers playing tug of war with their attention. Ben wanted none of that any more, just peace.

Peace had been what he chased when Snoke promised him control over the demons that afflicted him, only showing himself to be one of them when it was far too late for Ben to defect himself. Rey had given him the courage to search for it again.

“Sir!” came a woman’s voice from the hallway, “Sir, General Hux wants to see you in his audience rooms.”

Ben opened the door to see Phasma, helmet in hand, and stoic expression plastered in place. Only, a slight bit of trepidation leaked through her mask.

“Thank you, Captain.”

He began walking, surprised to see that she was escorting him back, a nervous tick in her walk.

“Now what has you so on edge, Captain Phasma?” Ben asked, no unkindness in his voice.

She hesitated before answering in a tone that was veiled with banality, “The inaction, sir. We haven’t progressed out frontlines since the loss on Dxun, and the men are getting rowdy-“

“That’s not all is it?”

“No, sir,” Phasma answered slowly, then sighed, “You see, since the girl escaped again- Especially from _here-_ we haven’t received any directives at all, and I fear our Supreme Leader to be planning harsh punishment for those who were tasked with guarding her-“

Guilt sparked in his gut. It was true, the last time a captive escaped from Korriban, a prominent dignitary vital to securing resources, if Ben was not mistaken, Snoke had called for a kind of Decimation. The incident had struck both Phasma and Hux deeply, as though both were prickly on the outside, they had only the highest respect and responsibility for their troops. To have to randomly kill good men and woman off with no rhyme or reason to selection had left deep wounds on both of them, though they never let on.

Ben regarded Phasma with a sympathetic expression, one which he knew shocked her, “You can relax, Captain. I intend to take the full blame for her escape.”

Dubious relief was evident on her face, “But, sir-“

Ben raised a hand to silence her, “The Supreme Leader will be content with the arrangement, Phasma, your men are safe.”

A thankful countenance he had not seen on Phasma’s face before wrinkled her features as she uttered a quick, “Thank you,” and headed off down the corridor leading to her own chambers.

Ben smiled softly to himself and pushed on to Hux’s audience room.

When he knocked on the door, a voice rather unusual for the General called for him to enter, and Ben was genuinely disturbed to see Hux sitting at his desk with his head in his hands, staring at a report.

“Um, General-“

“Sit, Ren. Please.”

Still flummoxed, Ben obediently took a seat, and kept his eyes unblinkingly trained on the General. First the strange encounter with Phasma, and now this?

What in the world…

“You’ve been out of sorts since your return from Dxun. Even more so since the girl escaped.”

Hux’s tone was not disparaging, and this further distressed Ben rather than reassuring him. If anything, Hux sounded sincerely concerned.

“In what way, General?”

Finally, Hux looked up from the report and pushed it aside, sitting back and considering Ben with a thoughtful, partially scrutinising, expression. It was not hostile in any way.

“Why do you fight anyway, Ren? Do you have a vendetta, are you in servitude?”

“Excuse me?” Nervousness pooled in Ben’s gut and might have made his voice quiver slightly at the shock of Hux’s bluntness.

Hux sighed, “As I’ve said before, there’s no love lost between myself and Supreme Leader Snoke’s love for your shared ancient religion. I don’t much care for it. I only care about the loyalty of my soldiers, and while you ticked all the boxes for a time, that dedication has slipped for a while now.”

Ben swallowed hard, and was still bemused to find no hostility in Hux’s words. Kylo Ren would have bitten Hux’s head off, but Ben stayed silent.

Hux took this as his cue to continue, “As much as the two of us have hated each other over the time we’ve had to work together, I have always respected you for your abilities, and dedication. Only lately, that dedication seems to have found itself a new master-“

“What are you getting at, General?” Ben asked abruptly, his nerves cresting.

Hux folded his hands and fidgeted with his fingers. Was the iron-wrought General…Nervous?

“Keep in mind, Ren, that this conversation never happened-“

If Ben was confused before, he was outright lost now, and looked at Hux with lofted brows.

“-This, I suppose, comes from the part of me that thinks Gadon Hux and Ben Solo could have perhaps been friends if circumstances had been different,” he muttered, “I suppose that you have, in a way, been the closest thing I could have had to a friend amongst the Order-“

Ben was slumped back in his chair, struck dumb. He would never have expected this from Hux. The man was always the epitome of privacy and professionalism...This did not mean to say that the sentiment wasn’t welcome. Like Hux had said, as much as they couldn’t stand the other’s guts, well, they had spent enough time forcibly working together to form a begrudging companionship leading up to the events at Starkiller. After then, they had been granted merciful distance while performing damage control…Or rather, Hux had been. Ben was waylaid by Rey.

“-In any case, from Gadon Hux to Ben Solo, I need to say that the man I see before me doesn’t look like he’s wearing the right set of armour and regalia. I’d suggest you make sense of whatever internal decision you’ve made, because our Supreme Leader has summoned you,” Hux waved the datapad in front of his face, “And if I were you, in the situation you are in, I would have my story straight.”

Ben could barely respond when Hux gestured for him to leave, still no animosity on his face, just that infernal, odd apprehension. He got up and made his way to the door, grappling to brace himself for his audience with Snoke.

“Oh and, Ren-“

Now _that_ was the right voice for General Hux. Aloof and snappish.

Ben rocked back, polite inquisitiveness moulding his expression, “Yes, General?”

“No one hears of this,” he flicked through his datapad, not meeting Ben’s eyes and looking positively bored, “Do so and I will see Snoke have your balls regardless of the show you put on.”

Ben almost laughed, “Don’t worry, General. If it bothers you that much that you showed a single iota of human emotion, I’ll be sure to launch a few control modules at you at random intervals to remind the troops of our mutual disdain.”

Hux only just managed to throw a sardonic look Ben’s way before he swept out of the door and made his way down to the amphitheatre. While the disturbed feeling had passed, it was replaced by an urgent anxiety. Hux was perceptive, this was true, but Ben couldn’t risk Snoke sensing his treachery. He would have to play this carefully, and keep Rey’s mental block trick up and string at all costs, guarding the secrets he wished to keep. Ben had been practising it over the last few days through meditation, and he had it down to a second-hand reflex. Now, it was just keeping an active attack out, should it be necessary.

The scene that awaited him in the amphitheatre, however, was somewhat assuring that a mental block would not be necessary…Perhaps because it alluded to a more permanent silencing.

There were Knights that Ben did not recognise in the room, and he was shocked to find that one of them was Force Sensitive. Whether the woman was a User or not was another story.

Snoke’s hologram sneered at him from its lofty heights.

“Well it seems your toy got away. Again. It is no loss, only an inconvenience. I’m afraid, after tasting her defiance last time, and spending concentration on her Signature, she is a lost cause for what I intended-“

There was no regret in Snoke’s voice, and Ben silently seethed at the sight of his borderline gleeful, twisted visage. The scars and gouges churned as they were reminded him of Darth Vader’s mask that he had used long ago to centre himself. Both repulsed him now.

“-She no longer functions as a Daughter, as you are a Son. There is no conflict, no _battle_ in her. She is barren, a mediator. A balance. There is no place for one such as her in my ranks-”

Ben stared up the figure, who seemed content to monologue in a tone Ben had not heard from his mouth since he had tempted his younger self with all the knowledge and power of the Force. He made sure not to lose track of the five Knights present in the room.

“-I’m sure you can understand that this marks her as a threat, and she needs to die along with your Uncle. The moment is at hand, Kylo Ren,” he snarled, “Our final word draws near. You will come to me, through instructions I give, and you will fight for me, or you will die along with them. I offer you life, as I have all these years. Throw it away, and I will ensure you never find peace till I deal with you myself-”

Tense elation wormed through Ben’s chest. He could find Snoke, perhaps before the last fight even began…Caution would be necessary then. He would need to go along with Snoke till-

“-However, you still have to be punished for your failure to keep the girl close. Now she is just one more enemy we _could_ have dealt with. Survive these Knights, and then I will call you to the first location. You have much to do before you meet with me.”

Ben swore to himself as Snoke’s image vanished, and the Knights advanced.

So that’s how he wanted to play this out? A wild chase across the Galaxy to hide his presence from premature discovery, all to orchestrate the perfect ‘renewal’?

Ben ignited his saber, and poised for the first blow, anger and anticipation making him taste metal. He would follow on, most definitely.

These Knights would die, and then Ben would start hunting down the creature who had led him astray all those years ago. He would keep Rey safe, and he would help his family.

He only hoped he’d have the faith to do what was right thing when the time came, whether it was following Snoke to the edges of space, or letting Rey take him home even if the monster still lived, now that desire for both had been kindled to brilliant incensement.


	56. Hearten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE:  
> Okay so this chapter ran a lil longer than I anticipated, but OH WELL, more for you!  
> Unfortunately, this brings me to the bad news. The entire of next week is going to be a bit of a see-saw upload wise. Y’all will be lucky to get any updates, because we’re going to be editing all the footage we took on Thursday to make a coherent, concise narrative in 3 and a half, maybe 4 minutes. AKA, mission impossible. So again, I’m terribly sorry D:  
> But take heart in knowing that this story will be completed! Come hell, high water, or zombie apocalypse <3

**_Chapter 56: Hearten_ **

Well, that went better than expected, Rey thought bemusedly, watching the odd, elderly Selkath who had saved her bustle about his little apartment and pull random goods together.

Rey had landed on Manaan not even an hour and a half earlier, and despite her caution, the two pilots had spotted her leaving the transport. At least they’d be able to corroborate Ben’s story…

 _[I have commed the Resistance, sentient,]_ the Selkath said, poking his head out from what Rey assumed to be his kitchen _, [Your friends are on their way. Even the General. You are in luck that they were still on Dxun, and will arrive in no time at all.]_

Rey smiled at the amphibious being appreciatively before he ducked back to his business, and the smile turned wry as she added ‘Selkatha’ to the list of languages she seemed to be able to understand by means of the Force. However, Rey really did have the Force to thank for this Selkath. If not for him stalling the two pilots with antics Rey could only describe as eccentric, she would surely have been caught again or else have to defend herself which would have brought unnecessary attention from the unwaveringly strict Ahto High Court. They were very paranoid about their neutrality, and any rioting was a severely punished offence.

Imagine her surprise when the Selkath caught up to her after she bolted and pulled her off into a residential area, mumbling about ‘young Jedi’, and ‘no idea of how to hide themselves’. Rey had only just managed to choke out past her surprise that she needed to contact the Resistance, before the Selkath had burst into peals of laughter, and shushed her. As he pulled her along, he explained that he was a member of the unofficial embassy, charged with assisting First Order refugees, and aspiring soldiers alike…Amongst other things. Gaelas, he said his name was, was a trained Force User. A member of the Order of Shasa, a somewhat underground group who leant their aid to any they felt worthy, and strove to protect Manaan.

He had been drawn to the hangar due to her Force Presence, and immediately recognised her from the First Order’s old missive for bounty.

 _[Rey Kenobi,]_ he chortled, sitting down opposite her and offering her a platter of fruits and bread, which Rey took from gratefully, _[It had been a long time since any adept Force User has come to Manaan, bar our own. And on a First Order vessel no less.]_

Rey shrugged, finding that she felt comfortable in the presence of the old Selkath, “I don’t think the First Order allows their prisoners to charter their escape routes, I’m just thankful you were there to help me.”

 _[Not at all, not at all,]_ Gaelas laughed, handing her a large cup of water, _[As I told you, our ilk aid those in need. Who could be more in need than a stray Jedi running from a regime built on the bones of slain Force Users?]_

The sadness in his tone hit her unusually hard. It was the tone of someone who’d suffered unimaginable loss. Gaelas got up then, muttering something about fetching them some sweet treats, and it took Rey more than a minute to process the glint that she’d seen when his outer robe parted.

Holy Force. A _lightsaber?_

“You are a Jedi?” she asked softly when he sat down again, adding a tray of Corellian chocolates next to the one of fruit and gesturing for her to eat.

He snorted, _[You could say that. I was, long ago. Was being the important word, Sentient. I left before the Clone Wars began, and returned to the Order here on Manaan. A great idea to live, a terrible one to watch your friends die.]_

“I’m sorry for asking, it’s just,” Rey faltered, “There really aren’t many left in the Galaxy. I’ve only met-“

_[You’ve only met those whose path’s you’ve crossed. There are plenty, we’re all just very well hidden. Imagine if I weren’t so good at getting lost, where would you be now, hmm?]_

Rey chuckled and nodded your head, “I suppose so.”

 _[Mm, you have not seen much of the Galaxy, have you? No, you’re far too young and your eyes are already far too dead. You’ve been involved in the war, and haven’t taken the time to feed your own soul,]_ Gaelas considered her quizzically for a moment before laughing once more, _[Listen to me, I sound like one of those old coots who used to run the Jedi Order. Ran it right into the ground, if you ask me. Too much sympathy, not enough empathy.]_

Rey felt like Gaelas and Maz could be pretty good friends if ever they met. She liked this eclectic Selkath already, and almost as much as Maz.

 _[Either way,]_ he continued, _[There are plenty of us around. We just happen to be doing a better job of hiding from the First Order than you have.]_

Rey sniggered, “That wasn’t entirely my fault-“

_[I doubt that]_

“Alright, yes, but it was to help someone. A fellow Force User.”

 _[Another captive?]_ His eyes widened in anticipation, as if expecting a thrilling tale.

Oh if only he knew.

“Well…Kind of,” Rey muttered, absentmindedly adjusting the cloak around her shoulders. That turned out to be a very bad move indeed, for Gaelas’ eyes nearly popped out of his head in flabbergasted recognition

_[-You can’t mean their lightsaber muscle now, can you?]_

Rey lifted her hands in defence that was halfway a helpless shrug. She could feel his Force presence, and she knew he was exactly who he said he was. Which meant he was probably perceptive enough to see right into her guilty expression just as effectively as Maz had.

His gleeful eyes assured her that he did.

 _[Good grief, Sentient. You would have given the Jedi Council nightmares back in the day,]_ he laughed _,_ sounding much like a child who had been gifted a great bowl of treats _, [I like you.]_

Rey smiled sheepishly and shoved a chocolate ball into her mouth to try distract herself from the old Selkath’s wizened and knowing stare.

 _[It is remarkably refreshing, to meet someone like you. Your Force presence is something to behold, and contradicts the holier-than-thou banality of the old Order so totally, yet still shows Light and purity enough to chase all the hatred from the Galaxy,]_ he twirled his snout-tendrils thoughtfully _, [It’s almost enough to make me want to come out of Jedi-retirement, as it were.]_

Rey raised her eyebrows in disbelief, “And why is that?”

 _[Well,]_ he shrugged, a nonchalant expression on his face, _[You are hardly in ill spirits, which means the rendezvous with your dear Darksider must have gone well. In which case, should there be a new Academy once all is said and done, the neutral Users in authority would finally outweigh the extreme. That is an Order I would be willing to serve, as my tribe mandates-]_

He pinned her with a questioning expression, suddenly uncertain of himself where there had previously been immeasurable excitement.

_[-You do plan to help those like you, do you?]_

“I have thought about it. It’s definitely something that needs to be done, it’s just-“

The wild beeping of the comm system made them both jolt.

_[Hopefully, those are your friends.]_

“So soon?”

 _[I should note that there was a panicked Wookiee in the background insisting they take the Millennium Falcon,]_ he snickered, _[And if the stories of her speed are true, then yes, this would not be unbelievable.]_

Rey’s heart fluttered in anxious anticipation when Gaelas left to answer the comm. He returned with a large smile pressing at his gills, and displaying his stubby, square teeth, causing elation to thrum through Rey’s body.

 _[It would appear that the stories to the Falcon justice. Twenty minutes, and you will be with your friends again. On one condition, Sentient,]_ He raised a crooked finger and threw her a teasing smirk.

“Anything!” Rey grinned, “You’ve been more than accommodating, Gaelas.”

_[I get to meet them.]_

He didn’t wait for her answer before hobbling out the door.

Rey giggled and hurried after him, all the way down to the docks.

Gaelas led her to a partition that looked a lot like a wall panel, but pushed away to reveal a dock nestled between two clearly marked public ones.

 _[It used to be a private smuggling dock back in Republic times, when they were fighting against Malak. This dock was used to ship extra kolto to the Republic forces, shocking I know,]_ he drawled, closing the panel behind her _, [But don’t tell the First Order the arrangement still stands, we’d never hear the end of the whinging.]_

So much for neutrality, Rey thought with a smile, and took a seat next to him while uniform-clad Selkath and others went about their duties in the dock.

“They’re all Resistance sympathisers?”

Gaelas snorted, _[They’re all Resistance. The Order of Shasa would never allow mere sympathisers to do sensitive work like this. Far too much room for things to go wrong and disrupt the already tenuous agreements.]_

Rey nodded and fell into silence, staring nervously at the sky beyond the hangar doors to see when the speck of a ship would appear.

She didn’t have to wait too long, and she could not stay in her seat while the sight for sore eyes that was the _Millennium Falcon_ set down on the pad, and the ramp lowered. Rey ran blindly to the opening, and collided with furry arms that picked her clean of the floor. She dug her fingers into Chewie’s fur and clutched the Wookiee tight while he blubbered over her with distressed growls before gently setting her back on her feet. Luke and Leia were making their way down the ramp with Maz close on their heels, her eyes lighting when she saw Rey, and then a grin blossomed over her face as her gaze lowered infinitesimally.

She had seen the cloak and recognised it. Frack...

But, to Rey’s dismay, Poe and Finn weren’t anywhere to be seen.

Chewbacca seemed to sense her distress.

_[Don’t worry Little One, they were unable to attend, as they, along with Rem and Myri, made the mistake of sneaking halfway to Ylesia before the transmission of your safety came through. Apparently, the troops who fled the Dxun battle fled to a First Order base over in that system.]_

“What-?!”

_[Relax, they are well and are presently on their way back to D’Qar. They will meet us there, as they are closer to D’Qar than here.]_

_[Luke Skywalker!]_ Gaelas bellowed in delight from behind her, _[It had been a long time, Jedi]_

“Gaelas!” Luke remarked in surprise, “Force, you haven’t aged a day since I saw you last.”

 _[You mean when you tried to recruit me for your little Jedi Order make-believe,] he_ said with affection, _[You, on the other hand, have shrivelled up like a dried Garqi bean, Sentient.]_

Rey flinched to feel a hand at her back, and turned to see Leia smiling as the two greeted each other, before facing her.

“I’m glad you’re safe, Rey. I feared the worst when I heard you were taken by Ben.”

Shaking her head, Rey replied gently, “No need, Leia, he would never hurt me.”

On his own free will, she added mentally. Rey knew her tone had insinuated much, but she honestly had no clue how to broach the subject.

Leia regarded her with a slightly confused, if not vaguely troubled expression, and Rey wondered if she might be able to pull this off without having to tell the Skywalkers at all…To avoid the whole awkwardness that was ‘By the way Leia, for the past couple of months I have trained with, kissed, fought with, and slept with, your son. And he’s probably maybe coming home.’ Rey shuddered to think that that might be her _only_ way of coherently breaking the news.

In all truth, Rey had been hoping Maz would chip in and help out in some way to distract the General, because Leia looked dangerously close to following up on that slip with her usual astuteness, but the woman stayed unusually silent, perusing Rey with amused eyes. The little, sneaky, smarmy-

_[-But it seems I’ll have to rethink my retirement, what with this whirlwind of a girl using the Force how it was meant to be used, and converting your Sithboy in the process-]_

Well Force fracking kark it, Gaelas.

For a beat or two, Rey was certain she saw every expression imaginable flit over both Luke and Leia’s faces.

Maz was the only one not rooted to the ground, and she flitted over to Rey while Gaelas continued unhindered by the sudden bewilderment around him.

_[-That balance she has, that’s the kind of new regime the Order of Shasa would be happy to augment, myself most definitely, should a training grounds or refuge come of it.]_

Finally, he noticed Luke and Leia’s rigid forms, both now settled on expressions reminiscent of shock and a dash of fearful optimism.

Optimism was good, Rey could work with even the teeniest little shred of positivity in this situation. How the frack was she going to do this…?

Maz giggled at her undoubtedly petrified expression.

“ _Converted,_ eh? Did that happen before or after you became _intimately acquainted_ with the boy?”

Chewbacca yelped in startled confusion before stuttering out a series of unintelligible mewls that varied from anger, to hurt, to hope, before he trailed off to stunned silence.

That outburst, along with Maz’s double-entendre commentary yanked Rey out of her speechlessness.

“Oh!” she gasped, glaring at the little smuggler, aghast, “So _now_ you feel the need to chime in? When you can-“

“ _What?”_ Surprisingly, Luke was the first of the twins to crack, shaking his head back and forth in disbelief.

Leia followed soon after, and Gaelas wore a decidedly guilty expression, even past his carcharodon features.

“C-converted? Sith… _Ben?”_ Leia stammered through quivering lips, glancing between Gaelas, Luke, and Rey wildly before settling on Maz, her stoicism nowhere to be seen, “A-and…And you _k-knew,_ Kanata? You- he- he’s-“

Tears were welling in Leia’s eyes, and it did all the more to remind Rey that it truly had been the wisest decision to wait until an ultimatum was reached before telling her anything at all. This way, there would be no room for her to be crushed should Ben have been too far gone. Rey shuddered at the thought, surprised that she could not quite imagine a present without Ben in it as he was.

Leia faced Rey then, and she reached her hands up to fidget with the cloak Rey wore, rubbing it through her fingers tenderly, watching the movement with her eyes that were now lit with new knowledge.

When she let her hands fall, she met Rey’s gaze.

Her words were desperate when she whispered, “ _He’s coming home?”_

“Soon, Leia. Soon.”

Rey couldn’t offer any more, for she didn’t know the specifics herself.

Luke staggered from the group and up the _Falcon’s_ ramp, his fist pressed to his lips and a deep furrow in his brow.

“Luke,” Leia breathed, then cleared her throat and called more loudly when she ran after him, her voice hoarse with the lump in her throat, “Luke _, wait!_ Please, listen to… _”_

At first, Rey was hesitant, but then she reached out to find no anger around Luke Skywalker. Only intense grief, and a want, a _need_ , to believe, but a spirit that had been burned before.

This was more than Rey could have hoped for. Maybe explaining what had happened wouldn’t be so difficult after all. There was a hand on her arm then, patting her, and she looked down to see Maz’s kind, reassuring face.

“It will alright, Rey. They will understand, and we have plenty of time to make sure the damage in under control,” she laughed, heading into the _Falcon_ with a trembling Chewie in tow, “It is quite a trip to D’Qar, and the ship is not as big on the inside. They will hear it whether they want to or not. Say goodbye, and we’ll be off as soon as you’re on board.”

It was a little while of quiet until Rey turned to a shamefaced Gaelas.

_[I take it they didn’t know.]_

Rey laughed at the absurdity of it all, “No, not them. Some of my other friends and Maz, as you must have picked up, but not Luke, Leia, or Chewie. It was too close to them, it would have been dangerous to-“

 _[Say no more, I understand. Sometimes omission is the safest method of concealment,]_ he smiled kindly at her, _[Good luck to you, Rey. You know where to find me should you wish to try and provide a haven for those like you.]_

“I will, Gaelas. And thank you.”

She stepped forward when the old Selkath stretched out his arms, and embraced him.

_[May the Force be with you, Sentient.]_

“And with you,” she uttered, before turning to board the _Falcon._

The minute she was on board, the ramp shut behind her and the ship rumbled in its readiness for takeoff.

Rey took a deep breath, supposing she should have felt scared.

She didn’t. Nervous? Oh yes…It wasn’t often one had to tell the General of the Resistance that you had been having an illicit relationship with her estranged son…But there was no fear in her as the ship took off, and she continued to feel the mix of emotions roll off all Leia, Luke, and Chewie.

There was no anger, and that gave Rey the push she needed to see this conversation through.

With a tiny, anticipative smile, Rey walked towards the main hold and braced herself for whatever questions might start off what had the potential to be one of the tensest discussions of her life.


	57. Grace

**_Chapter 57: Grace_ **

Rey was sitting in the main hold alone. Chewie and Maz were in the cockpit tittering back and forth, while Leia and Luke were in the cargo hold arguing over…Something else. Or perhaps the gossip was over the same topic. She couldn’t quite hear them and she wasn’t sure she wanted to either. It was pretty unbelievable, but Rey actually _wanted_ them to come out and pepper her with questions. Yell, cry, and throw accusations, anything. Anything to distract her from the absence in her mind that demanded to make itself known in the quiet. Force only knew what he was doing right now, and Rey really _shouldn’t_ have been pining after him.

This knowledge did very little to dissuade her from clutching Ben’s cloak tightly around her, and wishing that is was his arms instead. She knew she hadn’t been gone all that long. But she still hoped he would call her soon. But to what end?  What would happen when Ben came back? Would he want to aid his mother till the war was over, or would it be safer to just send him off?

If he did leave, Rey knew she would go with. She had tried to kid herself with ‘ifs’ and ‘maybes’, but she knew she would. Even if they didn’t travel _together,_ Rey knew she would fare better outside of the militant force, and helping actual individual people. She was sick of the fighting, and sick of the war. There was no stopping it from happening again, and history had proven that the same fights would repeat themselves over and over under different banners. This didn’t mean she would be apathetic about it. Rey would just focus on what was more important to her.

What was the problem was how to tell the others that this was her choice, and that they would have to make peace with her eventual absence. Again, she didn’t really owe them anything, and if she had before, she certainly didn’t by now. Rey would not lose Ben, so the only real option was exile, and she wasn’t about to let him slip through her fingers either.

He was, after all, _her_ Ben, right?

“Rey?”

She glanced up to see Leia handing back in the passageway. Luke was nowhere to be seen. Rey gestured for Leia to join her, and the usually steadfast General walked a little unsteadily to the lounger, looking somewhat drained.

“Luke is on his way, I think it’s all just a bit of a shock. He’s never been good with dealing with these kinds of things…”

Sure enough, Luke shuffled into the hold moments later, and slid into the circular lounger with Leia, facing Rey.

“Now-“ Rey begun, but Luke silenced her with a raised hand. This was something of a blessing. Rey didn’t know where to begin.

“Is he coming back?” Luke’s voice was measured, and falsely calm.

“Yes.”

Luke’s eyes tightened, betraying his emotion, though Rey couldn’t quite determine what…

“When?”

“I don’t know,” Rey sighed, unable to keep the glumness out of her tone.

Luke frowned, and his voice was almost grim when he spoke again, as if he doubted her, “How so? How can you be _sure_ then that he is coming back?”

Rey snorted, irritated that Luke was so faithless in his own nephew, or else her reliability as at least a source of information.

“Because, Luke, Ben is _convinced_ that he needs to something as a peace offering of sorts to the Resistance. He is adamant that he _needs_ to bring back something worthy to have even a hope of earning your forgiveness, or at the very least tolerance. He feels he _can’t_ come back without something to aid his mother,” Rey flicked her accusatory glance between the two of them, enjoying their uncomfortable carriage, “I can’t tell you when he’s coming back, but I can promise you that he doesn’t want to follow the path he was on any longer.”

Leia dared to smile past the glassiness in her eyes.

“Honestly?” she whispered when Luke didn’t jump in again.

Luke…Luke looked scared to believe her.

“Truly, Leia. On my life. I promised you I’d bring him back, remember?” Rey shifted in her seat then, feeling her cheeks heat, “That…Just happened to come about a bit differently than tying him up and tossing him in the cargo hold.”

A frackload differently, Rey thought, though a kind of tying up _did_ technically happen…

That wasn’t helping the flush on her face at all.

“How, then?” Leia asked, her voice a little stronger now that she was warming to the idea, but Rey suspected that she was keeping an awful lot back.

Luke still looking incredibly spooked.

“Uh,” Rey scratched the back of her head, “It’s a long story…”

“The beginning then,” Luke chipped in, “When did it start? The…Talking or whatever it was…”

“Just after Starkiller-“ Rey ignored Leia’s wide eyes, “-Luke, we formed a Force Bond when he tried to find the map to Ahch-To in my mind…”

Luke was shaking his head, a look on his face indicating that he’d realised something that he should have long ago, “No, not then you didn’t. You two were always very close almost from the first time you met. But a Force Bond…I had never even suspected…”

Rey nodded at him, not even the least surprised at this new morsel of information. It made sense, in a way. Though quite honestly, at this point so much had happened that Darth Vader himself could appear before her eyes as a Force Ghost and she wouldn’t bat an eyelash.

“At least, it was after that when we found we could communicate over the bond. Talk. I wanted nothing to do with him at that point, as you can well imagine, and I kept having these dreams…Force terrors. And he seemed to know all about them so I talked to him anyway. In time it became second nature,” Rey became ashamed then, fixing Luke with an apologetic look, “and when I began to feel like you wouldn’t teach me everything I needed to gain all the control I could, I asked him to help me, and he taught me using immersive illusions through meditation-”

Luke nodded, and stunned her by being understanding, “When you became more erratic in our own sessions, and I made the mistake of isolating myself instead of reaching out.”

“-Yes…But you weren’t entirely wrong, Luke. I did tap into the Dark, but that was my intention, and I do not regret it. That, however,” Rey said, her tone stern, “Is an explanation for another time.”

“You don’t have to,” Luke shot her a quirk of his lips that may have actually been a smile, “I understand. Grey, no definition. I may not agree with it entirely, but it’s not my place anymore to tell you if it’s wrong or not, I am not your master, and I haven’t been for a long time it seems.”

“Right,” Rey responded in slight distraction, mystified by the civility of the conversation.

Luke was treating it as a tactical discussion, professional and factual. Leia was listening intently to the to-and-fro, but Rey could see the woman shift in her seat and fidget her fingers, eager to hear the rest as if it would hasten the return of her son.

“So when did he tell you who you were? You met in person on Neimoidia, yes?”

“Yes…” Rey cleared her throat, “We met on Cato Neimoidia, but we drank together in the bar and just…were. He only showed me those memories while I was on Dromund, in an attempt to make me hate him…To become something that Snoke would want to collect and bend to his will instead of simply kill-”

Luke flinched slightly, and hurriedly interrupted her, “And I’m guessing the rest is ‘one thing lead to another’?”

Rey huffed a tiny, nervous laugh, and nodded.  If they were content with the vague story, Rey would only be too happy to oblige.

“Pretty much, yes,” she answered quickly and smiled at them, ignoring Leia’s dubious gaze, and Luke’s relieved one.

 “Oh trust me,” a lewd little voice chimed in from the direction of the cockpit, and all of them turned to see a sniggering Maz Kanata with a properly mortified Chewbacca just behind her, “You _want_ to know the rest. It’s rather thrilling.”

_[I am sorry Little One, she told me in great detail-]_

Sweet Force.

_[-And do not lose sleep over my opinion of your relations with my first Little One, I think only good things. You know my thoughts on him, and I will say I am glad for all of this. It brings me joy for a reconciliation.]_

How many times had it crossed Rey’s mind that she absolutely loved that Wookiee?

“Uh, _Maz,”_ Rey choked.

 “Shush you, this is your own doing,” Maz wagged her finger at Rey as the two pulled up stools to the table, “You could have just kept being there for him, and pressing him, but no no you had to go and make it intimate.”

Luke looked fairly pale at that, but there was a steady grin stretching over Leia’s face, and her eyes were glittering.

“I, uh,” Luke swallowed, “I don’t think I want to know _all_ the details about your…Liaisons with my nephew, but-“

Maz made to answer, but Rey was caught with a fear for her dignity…Or what was left of it.

“Maz don’t you dare,” Rey gasped, aghast, and pointed at Luke, “H-How about you and Leia just ask me things and I’ll answer what you’re really interested in, alright?”

Her cheeks were burning up. This was fast become just as awkward as she had feared.

“Yes, quite,” Luke rubbed his brow, and Leia looked distinctly disappointed at the turn of events, “I-I uh, want to know, you met each other often?”

“On every mission I went on after Dromund, starting with Hoth. At first it was by accident, then we started calling each other.”

“When did it all stop being…Fighting?” Leia asked softly.

Rey shrugged, “I honestly don’t think it ever was, Leia. Even from the beginning… I had to goad him to strike at me at all after our training was finished.”

The pure happiness that was emanating from the older woman was enough to make Rey’s heart twist in relief. Abruptly, a look of grand realisation dawned on Leia’s face, and Rey felt nervous just as quickly.

“He was the one who procured your escape after Hoth, wasn’t he? You didn’t steal that fighter, it was his.” Leia smirked at her.

“…Yes.”

“And now, too?”

“Yes, he arranged transport for me…Or rather smuggled me.”

Rey could barely meet the woman’s eyes for the knowingness in them.

Leia chortled in glee, but Luke fixed her with an inquisitive frown.

“Might I ask why you were their captive in the first place?”

The smile Rey had worn vanished in an instant, “That’s not a particularly nice answer, Luke.”

He crossed his arms and waited expectantly. Rey knew if there was even a tiny chance of mending their relationship, she’d have to be utterly transparent with him. Rey only hoped it didn’t effect Leia too badly.

“I made him take me,” she started slowly, “He…He had originally been tasked to stop me from wiping out those facilities, and failed. He was supposed to kill you, and didn’t. Snoke ordered him to bring either myself or you in after Dxun, or else die himself. What do you think I was going to do? Let him leave, like he was head set on doing? Frack no.”

Now Luke’s guarded expression broke, and was replaced with something astonished, but laced with residual grief.

“He was _what?”_ Leia hissed, “Just wait till I-“

“Leia, he was going to do that for me. He was scared of what Snoke would do.”

She looked positively incensed, “All fine and well, but there’s a damn difference between heroism and _stupidity…”_

Chewbacca chuckled softly at Leia’s motherly fury, and Maz was watching it all with a self-satisfied smirk, her eyes alight with interest. Then Leia rounded on Rey with pure awe on her face.

“You…How close _are_ you two?” she asked intently, sincere interest etched in her face.

“Oh, they’re-“ Maz began, but Chewbacca silenced her with a paw over her mouth.

Rey offered him a grateful smile before answering Leia.

“Close enough that I won’t be sticking around to see the Resistance sink their claws into him, Leia,” she sighed, deciding to tell them sooner rather than later. It would be easier to tell everyone in smaller, manageable groups, “The moment those self-righteous law-keepers you call Senators try to sentence him, we’re gone. I will help him get wherever he needs to, and if he wants me, I’ll stay with him. I don’t intend to stay in any one place for long in any case. There are, like Gaelas said, far too many people out there to help, and in a way that doesn’t involve eternal violence.”

It made her feel only slightly guilty when Leia’s face fell in dejection, tinged with grim acceptance.

Luke, on the other hand, looked absolutely pleased for the first time since they’d left Manaan.

“So you’re not staying a soldier?”

Dare Rey say he sounded elated? Yes.

“No, I’m not-“

“But, Rey-“ Leia spluttered.

Rey shook her head, “I’ve made my decision, Leia. It’s not for me. If you want me to explain myself, I’ll say this; First Order, Resistance, much like the Light and Dark side of the Force, it makes no difference to me. Both groups threaten that which is dear to me, and just like I promised you that I would bring him home, I _intend_ to bring Ben _home_. And home, I think we’ll agree, is where he’s safe.”

Leia gaped for a while, struggling for words, “But that- Rey- What about this fight? What about Snoke?”

Rey glanced at Luke, happy to see that he had no suspicion in his eyes anymore. There was instead a cautious hope. It was tiny, but it was there. Along with an iota of conflict.

“Last I checked,” Rey grimaced, “Snoke threatened both Ben’s and my life. He dies, if we ever find him.”

“But-“

“Leia, please, can we deal with this when we get there?” Rey sighed, “Ben still has to actually come back. Until such a time when we do leave, I’d suggest getting used to the idea. You know as well as I that it’s the safest option.”

“I do,” she whispered in dejection, “It doesn’t mean I have to like it. It’s as if everyone’s just leaving again.”

“Leia…” Luke started, but she raised her hands in defence and got up, “You continue to speak with her, Luke. I need some time to think.”

Just as soon as Leia left, Maz rushed after her, and Rey watched the little woman scuttle with a rightly apprehensive expression.

Chewbacca took the lull to excuse himself as well, and disappeared into the cockpit.

“Now Rey, why the white-knuckle grip on the table?”

Rey pried her fingers off the holochess board, and grimaced with chagrin at Luke, “Because I know that, with Maz following her, Leia is about to get the same low-down about mine and Ben’s, uh-“ she gulped, “-interactions, and probably in more in detail than Chewie did.”

Luke chuckled in perplexity, “I’ll choose to ignore it all, I think. It would be best that way.”

Rey smiled appreciatively at him before frowning slightly, “You know, you’re responding awfully well to all of this, especially since you’re the last to find out.”

Honestly, Rey didn’t know what she would have preferred, this calm acceptance or histrionics. At least the melodrama would have made it easier to swallow. Perhaps this kind levelheadedness came from experience…Or else just desperation.

“Well that answers my other question,” he snorted, “Finn and Poe were acting odd for a reason.”

Rey had the grace to blush deeper, “Yes, you are the last…”

“Hmm, well I can understand Maz knowing, and I’m guessing she was the first?”

Rey nodded, averting her eyes.

“She always had a knack for these things, and I have to admit I am impressed with your discernment. I can only assume you kept it from us till you were sure, and I applaud you for it. It was a smart move,” he took a deep breath, “And Rey, I am so deeply proud of your decision to demilitarise, as well as taking Ben down the same path. Jedi, Sith, whatever you are…Such people are just too powerful with too little responsibility or consequence in this time. It’s what I tried to tell Leia when she asked a few of my older apprentices to help out. The Galaxy is scared, and rightly so. You’ll do far more good with a passive stance-“

“I wanted to apologise, Luke,” Rey babbled, interrupting him, “I don’t regret using the Force the way I do, and I don’t regret the things I’ve done with Ben with regards to alignment in the Force, but I do regret allowing myself to be a soldier…”

She trailed off, but Luke gestured for her to continue, patience clear in his eyes.

“-I wiped out those temples, and Ben would be there every time to catch the fallout. We would use each other to get through the effect our duties had on us, and I never realised the reason till much later…”

Luke regarded here with a saddened, understanding gaze, “Jedi were never meant to be swords. They were meant to be shields. The Sith actively took up arms, and they were famous for destroying themselves. Grey Jedi, as you have come to realise, are a mix of both. It’s up to you to find the balance. Fight, but find a cause to fight for that feeds you and does not drain you.”

Rey smiled wistfully, and Luke appraised her with a questioning glance at her chuckle.

“Mm, I was thinking of centring my travels on helping those in need in the way a Sentinel should, and like Gaelas suggested, of founding a safe haven for Force Sensitive people. Maybe sending them back to you…”

Luke pursed his lips thoughtfully, then laughed, “Well, that’s not an impossibility. Can’t have you and Ben doing nothing out there on the Outer Rim now, can we? And I don’t suppose I’d be able to pass up the chance of working with old Gaelas, he’d never let me live it down.”

Rey chuckled along with him, but quickly trailed to silence again, looking at the table.

“Rey,” he sighed, “As for taking all of this as I am…Why should I not? He may have done terrible things, but he is still my nephew, and I love him dearly. As does his mother. You showing up on Ahch-To was an unexpected confirmation that Ben was not truly lost. Now, I’m just glad for the second chance I might have with him. Perhaps this time I won’t fail my family.”

“Luke-“

“You don’t need to explain any more, or prove anything to me about his apparent goodness, Rey. I’m only eager for the chance to see him saved, so that I might in some way find peace in Han’s death. I am not oblivious to the fact that he did not now Leia sent him to me for training. I begged her to reconsider…And I lost him anyway,” Luke’s face crumpled in a pain Rey had not seen since he first boarded the _Millennium Falcon_ on Ahch-To, “It would be a gift to see Leia genuinely happy, after all the disappointment I’ve put her through, and to see Ben smile again.”

Rey heartily agreed, and clasped Luke’s folded hands tightly in hers for a moment, silently assuring him that he would.


	58. Transparent

**_Chapter 58: Transparent_ **

“What do you mean _leave the Resistance?_ You were the one who was so keen to stay!”

Rey flinched at Finn’s accusatory yell and watched on helplessly as Poe tried in vain to shush him. Arriving had been great. Myri and Rem had greeted her just outside the hangar with big, exuberant hugs, and had quickly ushered her to Poe’s quarters before running off to the communications centre as per their ordered job. Apparently they had been back for a little while, and the other two had gone to hide out there in order to avoid being dragged into any work for fear of missing Rey, wisely so it seemed. She had found them pacing back and forth, offering each other off-hand touches of comfort before they noticed her in the doorway, and they had promptly dragged her inside with shouts of relief.

It had taken Rey a while to assuage their fears, telling them that no, she hadn’t been kidnapped, and yes, she was fine. Granted, Rey omitted most, well, _all_ of the details except for the fact that it was all to save Ben’s life. Poe had taken it very well, but as usual, Finn had looked bothered. Rey might have thought she was imagining the slight spike of anger in his eyes, but she had ignored it. He couldn’t possibly be showing dislike _now_ , after being relatively alright with everything the first time around?

Sure, he joked with her and Poe about Ben before, but he had always seemed a bit stilted and awkward about it. Rey didn’t think badly of him for it, he had every right to feel as he did, and at least he wasn’t opposing her about it, right? Yes, she could see he grew annoyed when Rey said she was going to help Ben start a new life outside of both the First Order, and the Resistance. While Poe nodded in agreement, Finn maintained stony silence.

They passed no comment on the cloak tucked around her shoulders, but Rey could see the slight approval in Poe’s eyes, and the judgment in Finn’s.

Well, that whole peace changed when she decided to tell the two of them about her plans to no longer be Captain Kenobi, and instead go find people who needed more hands-on help.

“Finn, the military-“

“The Resistance needs you! And you’re leaving us, because of _him_!”

Of course Finn would draw that conclusion…He wasn’t entirely wrong and her expression must have shown it, because he launched right ahead with something that looked as if it had been brewing a while. Poe just braced his hands on his head and walked away, frowning at the floor.

“You can’t just leave Rey. Where would I have been that day in the forest _without you?_ But ever since… You’ve been halfway _gone_ ever since you came back from Yavin, Rey. You haven’t been around at all and-“

She _knew_ she had been rather absent, did he _have_ to use it against her? Rey had been so removed, it seemed, that she had missed her first real friend foster a resentment that she would not be able to humour.

“If you’re going to say ‘because of Ben’, Finn, stop right there,” Rey couldn’t keep the acid out of her tone, “Because it’s not ‘because of Ben.’ It’s because I let myself be the Jedi Pet of the Resistance, and Leia took full advantage of it by sending me off on missions to wipe out her enemies. I was only too willing to do so in order kill the creatures I hated. My mistake. _Ben_ made me realise what was _important-“_

“He’s changed you _,_ Rey. He tempted you, and you let him-”

The venom in Finn’s voice, as well as the heavy insinuation honestly shocked her. Rey burned with a guilt she knew she didn’t need to feel. She was past this, frack it all.

But it seemed her friend was not as far along as she had originally thought.

“I thought you didn’t mind it, Finn…” Rey mumbled, the hurt evident in her voice.

How could he?

Finn sighed, “Yeah, I may not _mind,_ but I’m not about to give the guy a hug either and welcome him back like the _prodigal son_ after…He split my fracking spine, Rey. While I couldn’t care if you hooked a power coupling with him or not, he’s a bad person who’s done bad things, and you…You’re defending him! Worse than that, you’re helping him _evade justice_ for-“

That made Rey snap. She could handle the jabs at her having slept with him, she could handle Finn’s latent hurt over his injuries. But…

“Don’t you _dare_ spew that kark at me, Finn. Don’t you-“

Poe noticed the deadly change in her expression and tone, Finn did not.

“-I mean,” he continued, ignoring her furious interjection, “I can accept your, uh, affairs with him as working through things, or just plain old physical attraction sex, and that’s no place for me to poke my nose in but-“

“Finn…” Poe warned, but it was far too late for that.

Rey dug her nails into her palms to refrain from slapping him clean across the face, but he seemed to finally catch her expression.

“You are such a fracking _hypocrite,_ you know that?” she hissed, “How many people did you kill before you grew a conscience, or it finally weighed on you enough to matter? How many people have you killed while with the Resistance with a s _mile_ on your face? How many have _I?_ Are you saying _I_ deserve to be held accountable by the Senate?”

“That’s not the same and you know it!” He retorted defensively.

“And that’s the fracking _problem!”_ Rey shouted, “Taking life is taking life and people seem to forget that it’s normal in a war, especially when the person doing the killing is holding a _lightsaber_ instead of a blaster!”

“Rey, you know I didn’t have a choice-“

“I’m not saying he’s without reproach, Finn. He’s utterly guilty in every single way. But then again, so are a lot of people who’ve been given chances in the past. So why doesn’t he deserve one, Finn? Why _doesn’t_ he?”

Finn didn’t answer her then, he just shook his head as Poe placed a hand on his back.

“C’mon Finn, Rey’s a big girl,” Poe smirked half-heartedly at the two of them, “You’re not her partner, you’re mine, and I’m afraid that as much as we’d like to keep her around, adoption is a lengthy process. She can look after herself just fine.”

Finn sighed heavily and wiped his hands over his face, “So that’s it then? The minute Mr Darkside comes back instead of meeting you on some obscure planet, you’re parcelling him up and taking him as hand luggage right back to the ends of the Galaxy?”

Rey shrugged, her energy spent. She did not enjoy fighting with her best friends, especially so bitterly.

“Well, only when the Senate gets their hackles up about him.”

“And you feel he deserves that chance?”

“Yes.”

Finn deflated right before her eyes at her resolved tone. There was conflict etched on his face, and hurt. Poe was smiling encouragingly at her, but she could also see a wounded twinge in his eyes.

“All right, Rey,” Finn muttered, “Poe’s right, and I guess what I said as knee-jerk the first time around was the right reaction. Your life, your decisions. I don’t like it…But it’s your business.” He wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“Thanks, Finn,” Rey offered the two of them a tiny, hesitant smile before heading back towards the door, “Can I count on you guys being in the cantina later tonight? I need to use the ‘fresher and try feel a bit more human, but after that, I’d really like some help in forgetting a few things.”

“You can count on it, sweets,” Poe smiled back more genuinely this time around.

Rey held his gaze affectionately before throwing one last concerned, and slightly guilty, glance at the hunched man under his arm, then ducking out the door.

“Well that went rather swimmingly, don’t you think?”

Rey didn’t even flinch at the aged little voice that popped up behind her as she walked. She felt positively ill from the argument that had just taken place.

“So,” Rey said in an unintentionally clipped tone, staring down at Maz Kanata with moderate weariness, “That’s how you seem to know all, you _find out.”_

The little woman smiled at her unabashedly, “Oh absolutely. The joys of having a small stature, people don’t notice you eavesdropping. Dear one, I know secrets that could topple small governments.”

“I don’t doubt it,” Rey chuckled, glad for the light-heartedness Maz provided.

If she had nothing else, she knew she could always count on Maz Kanata to cheer her up in situations like this.

“You did a tough thing back there, Rey. I’m proud of you.”

“Proud of me for fighting with my friend?”

“For standing up for what you believe to be right.”

Rey snorted, and they walked into her chambers.

“I’m serious, Rey. It’s a difficult thing, to stand up to one’s friends, and an even tougher thing to consider leaving another life behind-“

Huffing in annoyance, Rey let herself collapse onto her lounger, face first, and Maz moved to sit on the low table opposite her, giggling at Rey’s antics.

“-And you best find out if your resolve will continue to be as iron-wrought, for there are still many such fights to come. Imagine when you actually leave! My stars, _that’s_ going to be a firework show of note,” Maz chuckled.

Rey groaned loudly into the cushions, the reality of Maz’s words sinking in.

“Oh, “ Maz tittered, “I can see why Ben would like that noise.”

“MAZ!” Rey yelped, jumping up to glare at the little woman.

“Back to the matter at hand,” she waved her hands dismissively, “The military should not own Jedi. Luke is right in saying that it is inherently wrong. Not to mention how it offsets the power struggle of the whole Galaxy. I am as thrilled as he is. You would waste away to nothingness here, Rey-“

The abrupt nostalgia in Maz’s voice struck Rey deeply, and her previous mortification vanished in the way of intent interest.

“-You have been static far too long, the entire Galaxy is a broken livewire that calls to you through the Force. I would even go as far as to say it _wants_ you to help mend it,” a corner of her mouth quirked in a sincere smile, “You crave that adventure, Rey. But you crave to spend it w _ith_ someone. I guarantee you that you need not worry ‘if’ Ben will want you around with him-“

Rey’s breathe hitched in her throat as the stirring in her chest returned along with memories of her daydreams.

“-You so much as show an iota of interest in joining him, and he’ll never let you go. Just like I told you that he would come back to you no matter what, and he did.”

“Thanks, Maz,” Rey murmured.

Maz sighed then, an edge of exasperation rippling through it, “Unfortunately, that little fool will, as you said, be hell bent on earning his second chance. Now, I’d suggest you let him do so, but only up to a point. I would be lying to say that any inside information he could bring would be unwelcome, but-”

Maz pulled herself up and patted Rey’s knee.

“-I know you mull over this too, so let me offer some advice. Make sure the little gizka-brain doesn’t kill himself in the process. Perhaps the opportunity arises to end the war,” she shrugged, “Just don’t let him go so far that no one else can help him. If that should happen, you lasso him up and bring him back like the original plan said.”

Rey chuckled, and nodded, “I’ll do my best, I don’t know how I’d find out, but I can promise you I wouldn’t ever let him do anything so rash.”

“Ooh,” Maz cooed with warning and walked to the door, “I believe you, Rey. Especially after this last stunt you pulled, and that’s probably got me more worried than I am for Ben!”

Rey lofted her brows, and Maz pinned her with a threatening, but well-meaning stare.

“Don’t you dare go getting yourself killed either, I won’t suffer another miserable Skywalker having lost a loved one. No, amend that. The Galaxy won’t suffer it.”

With a last, glittering smile, Maz swept from the doorway, and the panel shut behind her.

Rey was left sitting on the couch, wrapped in Ben Solo’s cloak, stunned.

Loved one?

_Loved?_

The door swishing open once more brushed those thoughts aside with it, and Rey met the defeated, but amused eyes of General Leia.

“Mind if I come in for a minute? I won’t be long, I promise.”

Rey nodded mutely and gestured to the other seat in the room, still slightly thrown by the whirlwind that was Maz Kanata.

Leia sat down and smiled gratefully at Rey, “Thank you, I just wanted to come apologise for how I reacted before. While I am disappointed, if not slightly shocked, that you don’t want to stay, I understand why. Your logic is sound with regards to Ben, it pains me to say, and it applies to you too. Once the convenience of a lightsaber passes, then paranoia will undoubtedly set in, especially without a Council to ‘control’ your actions… It’s disheartening.”

Rey sat up a little straighter, and gently smiled at Leia, “Now imagine all the people like myself and Ben who truly had no help with their powers.”

“I know,” Leia sighed, “And I know you’ll do a lot of good, Rey. A lot more than you could do here, though I will be sad to see you leave, as will your friends. But how can I resist when my brother actually smiled with true excitement when he told me of your idea to send the other Sensitives back for training and sanctuary? How can I argue when such a set up would do so much for the image of such people amongst the populace, and quite possibly pave the way to eventual freedom for my son?”

“One step at a time, Leia,” Rey chuckled.

Leia sniffed and smiled broadly at Rey, but there was still glumness in her eyes, “I just wish I could have more time with him before I lose him again.”

“You won’t be losing him, Leia, I’m sure clandestine meetings are a viable thing.”

Rey was happy to see she got a substantial laugh out of the woman.

“Yes, I suppose they are-“

“And,” Rey chipped in, still sensing despondency in Leia, “like I said, he will be around till the Senate decide to threaten his life. When that happens, then we leave.”

“So,” Leia rose a single brow and smirked sardonically, that old vivacity from the very first time Rey had talked to her back in her eyes, “Stall the old, sanctimonious coots, right? I suppose Han would have suggested rathtars as a good distraction…”

Rey snorted, then broke into fits of giggles, “That would be a pretty permanent delay, yes.”

Leia joined in with the laughter, her voice falling silent every now and then when it became too much.

When both of them had calmed down, Leia regarded Rey with a slight chagrin.

“I, um, I hope you don’t mind Rey, but I re-assigned you as per a request from Luke,” she looked appropriately sheepish, “it- it was the other reason for my visit.”

“Oh?” Rey would give Leia the benefit of the doubt. She had, after all, said that she would continue to help the Resistance till her part had been played.

“Yes, we both thought that since you are set on leaving, then you shouldn’t establish yourself as a commanding officer. While you are a Jedi, and traditionally Jedi have always been given honorary commanding titles, I’ve decided to assign you to the Scout caste instead of the others, as it will allow you more versatility in the months to come, and provide room for…well…”

Rey nodded, and gestured for Leia to continue, thoroughly intrigued if not a bit excited for what she was describing.

“It’s not very glamorous. You’ll be going to different systems, and some of them very hostile at that, and checking in on our smuggling operations. The kind that Gaelas runs on Manaan.”

“So, smuggling people?” Rey asked, a smile stretching her lips.

Leia tipped her head, “Yes. Refugees, soldiers, all sorts. The Galaxy is very big, and the more people I have ensuring the safety of those operations, the more people we end up liberating-”

Leia shifted in her seat, and her expression became serious.

“-I’m not going to lie, it can be dangerous work. Sometimes a post will have troubles, and you’ll need to deal with those-“

“Perfect,” Rey interrupted, her smile now a full-blown grin, “That’s a balance I can work with! That’s brilliant.”

“I’m glad,” Leia beamed affectionately, “I must admit that I am not performing this re-assignment with utter innocence…I may or may not be trying to convince you to keep further ties with us while out in wild space.”

Rey sniggered, “It might just work, depending how things go. No promises though.”

Leia raised her hands in surrender, “Let me leave you to rest then, Rey-“

When Leia got up, so did Rey.

“-A slim chance is all I ask for, after all,” Leia’s perusal turned mischievous as they reached the door, “Especially after what Maz told me. I had no idea you were, um, _that_ close to Ben.”

Lead settled in Rey’s gut, and icewater chilled her veins, but her cheeks were indisputably redder than a Tatooine sunset while Leia perused her with a cheeky expression.

“I’m going to kill that woman,” Rey muttered, fixing her eyes on the floor.

“Good luck my dear,” she heard Leia call, “Many have tried that, and yet the incorrigible oracle lives, still!”

Force help her, perhaps deep space truly was a vacuum worth anticipating.


	59. Partial

**_Chapter 59: Partial_ **

Rey was enjoying herself. Sure, she was sluggishly chugging her way through space with a damaged hyperdrive, and frantically looking for a smart place to dock…But for the first time in a very, very long time, she was genuinely enjoying herself.

Just over three weeks ago, she had played pazaak with Poe in D’Qar base’s dusty cantina. They had shared a bottle of juma, and he had done his best to make her talk about Ben. The only reason he seized that opportunity, Rey knew, was because Finn was not about. He hadn’t shown up, and Rey had managed to surmise that he had only grown more frustrated after she had left. Poe hadn’t wanted to elaborate on it, and Rey figured he was somewhat torn between the two of them. However, this did not stop him from attempting to make her spill all the juicier or else fluffier details that she hadn’t blabbed to Maz. Needless to say, he got nothing from Rey, and had promptly decided that it would be a good idea to ply her with alcohol till she sang. This, too, did not work out for him as he ended up being the one to drink most of the bottle.

Granted, she had not seen much more of them after that day. Both Finn and Poe were very involved in the workings of the Resistance, and they loved it. Poe had not been happy that Finn and Rey had left things so unresolved, and neither was Rey, but there was very little she could do to change it, so she let it go. Rey, on the other hand, had a full week of peace before her roster would start. She had spent it working on the Falcon and Sparrow with Chewie, as well as training again with Luke.

It had been wonderful to find that, even after all that had happened coupled with her relative absence for the last while, they managed to piece together as old, long-suffered friends. Rey was not oblivious to the new measure of respect that Luke held towards her, and she suspected it had much to do with her choosing to take the non-militarised route. But more than that, she believed his sincerity when he said that she had progressed far beyond what he could ever hope to show her, and that she managed it well. They had meditated together, and talked things out. Luke was just as willing as Rey to mend their relationship, and expressed sentiment far beyond gratefulness at all she was doing for his family. Rey assured him that she was entirely selfish in the venture to bring Ben back, even though she had started the journey for Leia’s sake. They had even spent a few hours sparring in the hanging gardens, and garnered an enraptured crowd who may or may not have held bets. Rey had ignored the faces that bore scorn and suspicion.

What made her happier than anything was the way Chewbacca had dragged her to the hangars with a flask of caffa in hand, and had insisted that Rey help him work. He loved her like not a day had passed that he ever disappointed him, and it moved Rey to know that Chewbacca approved of her so, and so unconditionally.

The only thing that had chewed away at her joy was Ben’s continued silence. Rey had grown more fidgety by the day, and the others noticed. Maz knew right away what was wrong, and tried often to reassure her. Eventually they had all given up, and resorted to distracting her instead, which worked for a time…Such as until when night would fall, and she would be stuck alone with her thoughts, and dreams. Some nights would give Rey hope, and she would have ‘normal’ dreams of Yavin Four’s forests, and sunsets, and more often than not the feeling of someone’s body curled around hers in a way she never wanted to end. Those were scarce, however, and most of her sleep had been filled with the sands and the blood.

Rey would wake up in astute denial, and throw herself into whatever Chewbacca or Luke had planned for the day. At times, it had seemed like they were shirking their own duties to be with her, but she was not about to complain. Even Leia would take a little extra time to talk with her, and discuss what Rey would have to check up on when she visited the outposts, and which planets were safer as layover spots. Rey appreciated all the time she could spend with them, as such times kept her mind off Ben, as well as the less-than-friendly troops around her. Rey was not ignorant of the animosity that surged amongst the soldiers, and since Myri, Rem, Finn, and Poe were not fixed features, a few of her braver adversaries became a bit more brazen in their disdain. It had no gone beyond insults said just loud enough for her to hear, and Rey hoped that it would stay that way, though she knew the hope was a futile one.

It was still a worry to her that the minute she brought ben back, these kinds of people would be the first to go on a witch-hunt...

And then of course there was the, uh, _issue,_ with her personal mess of feelings towards Ben Solo. Rey would do everything in her power to avoid thinking through _that_ because…Loved? Loved one, Maz had said. Rey had no definite experience in the matter, and to be quite frank she’d much rather not know for sure till she herself was sure that Ben would be on the other side of all this, and waiting for her with open arms. Rey needed to be _certain,_ and the difference between loving a friend and love like…like _that…_ It was weighty. It needed thought, and frack her if the thought didn’t scare her senseless, even though Rey had no idea why.

Mercifully, the work had started before anything got too biting, both with the troops and with her thoughts. She had gone from D’Qar, to Sullust, then Corellia, Kashyyyk, and Kessel. It was after Kessel that she’d been caught out by First Order fighters from a nearby station, and they’d damaged her hyperdrive. Rey was lucky to have made it out of there alive, but her faulty core burnt out halfway down the Pabol Hutta hyperspace route. Her choices were few and far between when it came to ‘Safe’ docking places, especially so close to Ylesia.

Both the lull on D’Qar and the rush of clandestine activities in space felt so natural to Rey. The almost innate routine of it resonated with her in a way she didn’t think was possible. Aside from Ben’s absence, Rey hadn’t felt peace like this in a while. Even with the odd attacks she had to defend against, or people she had to rescue through force, it was far better than senselessly storming a temple or being a figurehead in a battle, and it made her exceptionally excited for the way her life could be after she left. The only thing it was missing was Ben by her side.

Rey groaned and gritted her teeth, pulling Ben’s cloak close around her shoulders. It was odd how she felt so at home in the rudimentary fabric, and adopted it as a piece of her own wardrobe, on top of the navy-blue traditional Jedi wrap she wore. It was a good item of clothing for someone wishing to be lost in the crowd, and it was excellent for concealment…It may also still have smelt like Ben, and Rey genuinely missed him.

Abruptly, the ship lurched as the stabilisers made their struggles known too, and Rey growled in frustration as her lightsaber, and the satchel still housing Luke’s, rolled off the co-pilot’s seat and under the console. After steadying the ship, Rey called both to her again, clipping her saber to her belt this time, and tossing the leather satchel into a nearby cubby. Then, Rey sighed in defeat and punched in the codes to just go ahead and land on Nar Shaddaa. It wasn’t the most ideal place with regards to the proximity of the First Order, but it was the best of them when it came to being a faceless figure in a crowd, even in the Force.

Nar Shaddaa was a toiling place, filled with the echoes and screams in the Force of thousands of souls trying to find a place. For someone like Rey, the second she landed on a dirty platform in the middle of the refugee sector, she wanted to help every single person she could dig her fingers into. However, at the same time, the chaos made her feel safe, and wrapped her up like a blanket, concealing her.

She slumped against the backrest and took a deep breath, crinkling her nose at the smell of fried electronics.  Rey sat there for a very long time before finally surrendering to the acrid smell, and hauling herself from the chair to go see what parts she needed to buy, heckle, or threaten out of some unsuspecting vendors, or in Nar Shaddaa’s case, corporate criminals.

***

Ben was on edge.

Nar Shaddaa was a noisy place where the struggling disturbances rippling through the Force mirrored Ben’s own indecision, and damned him for it. Snoke was playing games with him, leading him across the Galaxy by dangling certain tasks in front of Ben with the promise of personal meeting on the horizon.

On Korriban, he had killed most of those Knights that Snoke had sent him with ease, including the Force-Sensitive woman who had, in fact, adept training in the Force. It had been easy with the rage he had felt tainting him and strengthening him. That same burning energy had fuelled him all the way through Raxus and Mon Calamari, where he had followed Snoke’s prompts to kill his own Knights once more. Ben had then realised that Snoke’s plan was to unmake him and break him once more by having him destroy all he had built till then. It was true that he did not know all the Knights these days, as he was not the only Master. It was an order like any other, but even when he came across ones whom he had trained himself, it was an easy thing to kill them. Ben was only too happy to break down the evil he had helped create, and considered it just one more thing he could do for his mother’s benefit, Luke’s revenge, Rey’s safety. It helped that the Knights seemed to be aware of what was happening and attacked him on sight. The First Order stationed around them turned a blind eye.

However, after Mon Calamari, Ben’s relentless exertion had started to catch up with him and the rage burnt out. In its place was instead a dreadful longing to just give up and give in to Rey, then ward of Snoke for as long as he could, suffering the consequences if he could not. Ben was at a point where he wasn’t sure if the need within himself to either prove himself to his family, or just accept that what would be would be, was greater. He had a feeling that it was this internal conflict that allowed Snoke such a strong hold on him. It was imperative that he reached a point of resolve as Rey had, and he envied her the ability to have clung to that resolve through all she had experienced. What did not help him at all were the terrors that drove him to hunt Snoke down, and the dreams that pushed him to forget it all and leave.

It was ironic, that the prospect of self-exile was such an attractive one. Maybe it wasn’t even a Jedi thing. Maybe it was just a Force thing. There was such little room in the Galaxy for people like himself and Rey. It would take time and dedicated Force Users to make a place in the Galaxy again, and Ben was not nearly up to that standard. He didn’t know his Dark from his Light anymore, and the only point of consistency in his life was Rey.

There was no accounting for how much it bothered him to block her out so utterly, and it would be a lie to say that it hadn’t influenced his manner in battle somewhat. He was slipping into brutality, talking his frustration out on the Knights he was ordered to kill, and by the time he had been sent to Teth, the acts repulsed him more than the prospect of them had on Yavin Four all those years ago. Then that was it…The last of the Knights of Ren’s training grounds had been destroyed. Ben had murdered all the other masters. He supposed that this could mean only he was left for culling, but that would only bring about confrontation with Snoke that much sooner, and he didn’t mind the possibility.

Ben had been forced to stop for fuel on Nar Shaddaa, and was still waiting for Snoke’s next directive. So, he had seized the opportunity to dress in vaguely civilian apparel, and take a very long walk to try get lost in the din that was the refugee sector. Ben hoped that the chaos would drown out the mess in his head for at least a time, and it did.

The gnawing echo within his mind left by Rey’s absence was pushed to the edge of his senses, and only teased his senses every now and them, as a faraway voice on the wind. The memory of her, however, was not as easy to shake. It was no use denying the way he felt about her. He wanted to make love to her again, and hear her sigh his name. He wanted to sit with her on a rooftop all night long, huddled in a blanket with a flask filled with caffa. Either way, her presence was bliss, and Ben roughly shook his head when that presence brushed the edges of his hearing then wafted away with the currents of the Force.

Great job Solo, he snorted to himself, you’re delusional.

Then it happened again, and lingered a little longer. Ben’s breath caught in his chest, and his feet carried him unbidden to follow the pulse of her irrefutable presence in the Force. Stars, if this was his mind playing tricks, or an enemy that knew what buttons to push…

Ben wasn’t entirely sure which would be better, if it truly was her or if it was just an illusion of his starved self. His brain knew that she would only weaken the will that wanted to continue hunting Snoke, but his heart couldn’t have cared less. Ben knew he was close. He knew that Snoke was nearing his endgame…He just needed to know _where_ Snoke would lead that endgame _from_ and he could-

Ben reached a walkway that overlooked the refugee docks, and his heart leapt straight into his throat.

The S _parrow,_ Rey’s ship, was sitting on a deteriorating landing pad in all its battered glory. There were laser burns all over the vessel, and Ben was certain the panels surrounding the hyperdrive vents were not meant to look like that…

But her presence was _there_ , so pure and alive, and vaguely troubled.

Ben was helpless.


	60. Serendipity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO NSFW IT'S RIDICULOUS! (ish) Behold: Serendipity Plus!  
> but it's cutesy fluffy smut ^.^  
> and now there are two more snippets left to assimilate ;D

**_Chapter 60: Serendipity_ **

Even with her reservations about the system in general, Nar Shaddaa was a wonderful place to get lost. There was no greater scum-hole in all the galaxy, and the constant noise of all the souls made it the perfect place for a Force user to hide their presence. Not the most decent place for a refuelling-stop, but Rey had to take what she could get, and she guessed the benefit of anonymity was well worth dealing with the backstabbing shuttas and the Hutt who ran the place…As well as the downright extortionist prices on fuel and parts. Everyone wanted their pound of flesh, it seemed.

“’Fuelin’s done girl!” the Toydarian dock-master appeared in  front of her, impatiently floating back and forth for the rest of his pay. Rey thumbed out the credits, and the Toydarian moved on to the next dock without so much as a thanks. Rey sighed and walked back into her ship, keeping her thoughts and attention mostly inwards to try ignore the worse waves of pain that would surge from the Force. Petty crime was an Upper City thing. Down deep in the refugee sector, the order of the day was physical blackmail, enslavement, rape, murder…All the wonderful things the Smuggler’s Moon had to offer, aside from its mandatory air of disease. Rey had to chant over and over to herself that she had helped, she had helped…She had taken a walk around the sector while looking for parts and helped out as much as she physically could. One gang’s reign of terror had ended thanks to one particularly…Aggressive negotiation, and she had even found safe passage for two stranded families to get back home to Telos. Rey had wanted to help everyone she saw, but it seemed like there was just one more person around every corner whose life hung in the balance, and Rey had left then when the realisation hit that she would have to set strict parameters for herself. She would never be able to help everyone, and that was going to be her greatest issue in the future. Oh, but sweet Force it gave her life to be able to help even those few souls, and her saber stayed on her belt most of the time.

At least the busyness of it was adequate in keeping her mind away from other things for the time being...And now she was thinking about those other things, Force damn it. Rey sighed, quickly forcing thoughts of Ben Solo out of her mind before boarding her ship again. She cringed at the way it echoed with only her footfalls. Anonymity and detachment was all good and well for a lone Jedi, but Rey needed company. She had been alone for so long, it had been like a drug to experience kinship, and here she was running solo missions till-

Solo.

She could have smacked herself.

With a huff, Rey stopped in front of the engine bay, wrinkled her nose at the fumes, and sighed again. There was also, of course, the issue of her damaged hyperdrive. Rey was confident she could get it fixed, it would just take slightly longer than she would’ve liked without Chewie there to help her. It irritated Rey that she couldn’t bring at least a droid along with her. But no, no everyone had their own work. Rey understood that, really she did. BB-8 was practically Poe’s child, and R2-D2 was working with C-3PO in communications and with Leia. She knew Chewbacca was aiding Luke and last she had heard when she had commed them mid trip, they were working together to getting an outpost going on Yavin again. But good grief…

Could they at least have loaned her one of the R3 units? Even that one homicidal HK in maintenance would have been preferable to being alone. Sure, Rey lived for this kind of work, but not having another presence around…

She had no idea how Ben dealt with existing on his own for so long.

Oh no, Rey caught herself, none of that! She pushed the thought of the wayward Knight of Ren out of her mind before it could go any further. Rey quickly pulled off her boots, and gloved, then draped Ben’s cloak over the workbench. Then, she used the Force to call her toolkit and a crate of parts towards her, and started working on the slightly fried ‘drive.

Working with mechanics was methodical, if not slightly boring work. It had proved a useful skill to learn on Jakku, and helped her fix up that old flight simulator she had found. As it turned out, life on Jakku had forced her to learn lots of skills that had greatly aided her current lifestyle. Rey figured she valued her affinity for tenacity above the lot. Granted, working on a hyperdrive was a lot less thrilling than fixing up, say a radioactive core for one of Platt’s generators. But hey, the banality of it was calming.

Huh, Rey thought, much like meditation. A smile curled her lips when the memory rose in her mind of Luke using the Force to lightly thwack her over the head when her focus drifted during meditation. Much like Ben had been, according to Luke. Rey shook her head and took to working on the parts again, albeit slightly more aggressively. But she just couldn’t help herself.

It had been a month since Ben had orchestrated her escape via stowing away on a supplies transport. A month since he had practically crushed her to his chest and promised her he would ‘figure something out’. A month since he had kissed her goodbye, and she had not seen, heard, or felt anything from him since. Their bond was still there, but it was silent, and for good reason. It would be an understatement to say Rey was scared. Sure, Rey had taught Ben as best she could how to shield and hide himself from Snoke’s darkness, but if Snoke had found him out-

Her hydrospanner snapped in her hands. She called another from the box, hurling the pieces of the broken one across the compartment, and she flinched as they ricocheted with ear-splitting crashes on the metal. Rey took a moment to steady her shaking hands before getting to work again, but there was no focus to be found.

Why was he taking so long? Twist, snap. There went a bolt.

He must have been found out…Twist, twist, snap. Another spanner.

Snoke had known she was a Kenobi, most likely from word of mouth…But those Knights had known who she really was with regards to Ben…Had they talked before their death? Had she made a terrible mistake by letting him go? The new spanner she had reached for fumbled out of her fingers as they shook, and she swore.

Rey couldn’t get Ben Solo out of her damned mind. With a scream she sent the bolts and scrap flying, and slumped against the bulkhead behind her with her head on her knees as all the parts bounced to a rest. Her ears were ringing, and her mind was abuzz. Luke would tell her to be calm. At this point in time, Rey felt like she would tell Luke exactly where to shove it. Rey knew Maz was right when she had said Rey should let Ben work out his next move. She had, after all, had the same luxury and Ben had only ever been there for her fallouts. She could afford him the same courtesy, couldn’t she? Even if his method was absence…

That did _not_ mean she had to be happy about it at all, as with anything, and it did not mean she should feel like hunting him down and dragging him back.

Another wave of emotion hit her hard and she dug her nails into her legs as the parts rose and slammed down in different places again. She hated this lack of control that seemed to crop up. It reminded her of how much of a neophyte she actually was, even with her supposed level of power. It was absolutely pitiful that her…feelings over a man could do this to her. It wasn’t a bad thing, per se…

“Now what did the poor ship ever do to you to warrant such wrath?” a deep, familiar voice rumbled through the compartment.

Rey stiffened, not daring to look up. How had she not felt someone board?

“Rey.” The voice sounded like home. “Rey, look at me.”

She looked up on reflex, unable to resist. Flight boots, standard First Order fatigues, leather jacket, and a smirking face; the owner was leaning against the entryway frame utterly nonchalantly. He looked like he had seen better days. Rey felt her chest tighten at the sight, but she had not yet outgrown her old habit of cheek.

She narrowed her eyes at him, “About time, Solo.” Rey had meant it to be acerbic. Her voice betrayed her when it cracked bitterly, swelling with relief.

He chuckled, a sound that she had come to cherish, and pushed himself off the frame, taking purposeful steps towards her. Rey scrambled up from her spot on the floor, and he pulled her the rest of the ways upright, into his arms. Rey buried her face into his neck, worming her arms over his shoulders and pulling him to her as tightly as her slight frame could manage. Oh Force, _yes_.

She didn’t miss his flinch, and quickly looked up at him in confusion. Ben’s smirk turned into a grimace.

“Snoke got a hold of me for your escape.” he shrugged, “There are just a few pesky bruises left, but they’re not entirely from that either.”

Rey felt herself chill, and knew she must have worn quite the expression when Ben’s eyes widened and he quickly shook his head, pulling her flush against him again.

“I’m fine, Rey. He doesn’t know anything further. He only punished me for your escape and honestly,” he gently kissed her forehead before resting his cheek on top of her head, tucking her in, “it was worth it. He doesn’t suspect a thing, or so it seems. At any rate, he’s not giving any indication that I’m out of the picture. If anything, it looks like he’s finishing off my training” Ben rubbed her back, obviously sensing he wouldn’t be able to fully convince her.

Rey was having none of it. And…training?

She pulled herself away from him and crossed her arms, putting on as much of an accusing glare as she could, but Rey was certain she just came off as worried. “You’re sure, Ben? You’re sure he doesn’t know? And _what_ training?”

Ben leant back against the workbench, nodding. “Trust me, Rey. If Snoke felt like I was betraying him, he would kill me without hesitation and find a new apprentice. He appears to have plenty to choose from,” he swallowed heavily, running a hand through his hair, and Rey felt lead in her gut at the weariness in his tone. He completely ignored her query on the training, “Look, I can’t stay long just yet. The only reason I’m here is because I happened to be on the planet, I felt your presence, I couldn’t help myself, and I couldn’t take not knowing anymore.”

Rey leaned back to look at him quizzically, her hands now resting on her hips. He looked terribly flustered, and there was a tiny blush colouring his cheeks. If she looked close enough, and she did, Rey could have sworn the blush tinged the tips of his ears too.

“Just yet? Meaning?”

His trademark smirk was back in place, “Meaning I think I may have found a good way out.”

Rey’s jaw dropped, “Out? You mean _out,_ out? Back home?”

He nodded again, but hesitantly this time, “That’s why I’m so certain Snoke doesn’t know. If he knew I was trying to leave, I’d be dead already. I would just be too much of a liability to him-”

The rest of what Ben was saying didn’t quite spell out in Rey’s mind. In fact, there was nothing of consequence at all happing in Rey’s mind after that news.

“Ben-” Rey was at a loss for words. She had been cautiously hopeful before, and in theory it seemed a done deal, but never truly expected this to happen in practice. With the way he was acting, Rey was sure there was a catch- for when was there not- but by the fracking Force she would take it. She never thought that the Force would allow anything even close to that good, as it had not exactly been kind to her in the past.

He was still waiting for her to speak, but his smile was growing as she gaped inaudibly.

“H-How?”

Ben rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, “At the moment? Several ways. But I want to see if I can manage one that will aid the Resistance in the process, which is why I can’t stay long here.”

Rey frowned in confusion.

“I’m en-route to meet Snoke in person, by his order, and-“

“And you’re hoping that some information you find or thing you see will be able to help the Resistance?” Rey couldn’t keep the anger out of her voice, “Ben, no. Please, no. In that proximity he’ll surely sense-“ She was becoming panicked again, and she knew it, “-Ben, he’ll kill you! He’ll-“

Rey gasped as Ben yanked her against his chest again, effectively cutting off her sentence. He softly pressed a kiss to her temple and then her cheek.

“Ben.” Rey was torn. She knew full well her was trying to distract her, and part of her wanted to let him.

Then he kissed her lips, ever so lightly suckling on her lower one, and she could not bite back the moan that rose up at the contact.

He leant back ever so slightly, resting his brow on hers, “Rey, I’ll be fine.”

“You say that,” she couldn’t manage anything above a whisper, “I don’t believe you.”

Be sighed in response, tightening his arms around her.

“Either way,” he said, regret coloured his tone, “I need to go. Snoke’s been sending me to all the planets where the Knights were trained, and my orders turned out to be systematically killing off all of the leaders, tying off loose ends. Now that’s done, I think Snoke is nearing his endgame, and I don’t know when he will prompt me next-“

“Ben-“ Rey was virtually begging him now, gripping the collar of his jacket. He couldn’t go. He couldn’t.

“And if you keep saying my name like that-“ His voice was strained, barely above a growl, “Then you’ll make me do something that would be really-“

Rey pushed herself up those extra centimetres and caught his lips with hers again, moving one hand up to grip the back of his head and tangle in his hair with ferocity.

Ben seemed to forget the urgency of what he was going to say, kissing her back with a fervour, one hand on her back, pressing her into him, and the other had moved to cup her face.

She pulled back a little and smirked as he followed her, nipping her lip.

“Really what, Ben?” Rey breathed, pinning him with a look. His eyes were hungry, and heavy-lidded with want.

Ben simply groaned, dragging her in again and attacking her mouth with his. He kissed his way across her jaw and down to beneath her ear, chuckling as she gasped when he lightly nibbled her earlobe. Rey pulled his mouth back to hers and held him there with all the force her much smaller stature could muster, gripping him close.

As their breathing grew erratic, Ben grew impatient, and Rey smiled broadly against him when she felt his hands tugging lightly at the back of her robes. This could happen now. In fact, Rey was _more_ than content with this happening right now; she wanted it.

Rey drew his upper lip into her mouth and teasing grazed it with her teeth, eliciting another strangled moan from him. Rey couldn’t withhold a squeak as he hauled her up off her feet, and she happily folded her legs around his waist, her head dizzy from his kisses and the pure need that was rolling off his body aligned with hers.

Rey hadn’t even realised they had been moving till her back hit cold metal, and Ben bumped up against her roughly with the clumsiness of the movement. He angled his head and teased her mouth open, running his tongue over her lips till she obliged. Rey could taste caffa on his tongue, and no doubt he’d be able to taste the juma on hers. What could she say? Space travel warranted a drink or two.

Her heartbeat was loud in her ears, and his hands moving on her body with himself pressed so tightly against her was not helping that fact. Rey gripped him hard and sucked on his tongue, enjoying the moan it caused. She dragged her nails down his neck as she ran her tongue against his, and Ben’s hips bucked involuntarily into hers. Rey grinned against his lips and purposefully ground her hips against him, enjoying the guttural groan he didn’t even try to muffle.

“Rey,” he murmured through busy lips, “Can-“

She didn’t even wait for the question, pressing a light kiss to the tip of his nose, and flashing an eager smile at the flustered man supporting her against the wall. She was sure she looked no more composed, her excitement was reflected in his eyes with an energy of his own for the moment that they were apart.

He moved to kiss her neck open-mouthed, licking, suckling, and nipping to the dip of her throat. Ben was walking them along the wall and down the short corridor to the barracks. How he even knew where to go was of no consequence to Rey in that moment. It wasn’t long before she sunk into the mattress of her bunk, pinned with Ben on top of her and still peppering her face and neck with affection. Rey curled her fingers around the open ends of his jacket and hurriedly pushed it off him with his aid, but when she reached for the white undershirt Ben caught her wrists in his hands and lifted his head, breathing laboured.

“Ben-“ she whined breathlessly, squeezing her legs around his hips.

For a moment, Rey was irrationally petrified he was going to stop what they were doing, and make good on having to leave. The thought was useless, however, because when Ben met her eyes with his, there was only tenderness in his gaze outside of the scorching want. His chuckle affirmed that there was no worry.

“Slowly this time, Rey,” he whispered, making her body burn. Certainly, the last time they had been together had been desperate and goaled only towards closeness and release.  Thereafter, though both had craved for closeness again, they had denied themselves due to the circumstance. This time, this time was already filled with something different yet familiar that Rey would rather not face for now.

Ben then removed his shirt himself, and kicked his boots off before ever so gently shedding Rey of her tunic and undershirt, leaving her in only her bindings and leggings. He did away with her bindings with relative ease. Rey was far too hypnotised by the expressions rippling over his face to notice it till he tossed the length of fabric away. Rey snorted slightly at the little crease between his brows as he did so, and he flicked his eyes back to her face in confusion.

“Ah, I should probably just go and get myself standard underclothes,” she giggled, “I got far too used to the scavenger way of doing things.”

“It would make this part easier,” he agreed with a smirk, holding her gaze.

Ben sat back and ran his hands over her legs, were still snugly tucked around his hips, and squeezed them as he went. He was languidly looking her over, letting his gaze linger everywhere till he held her gaze once more and smiled at her widely as he watched her realise that her chest was completely bared to him. His teeth glinting in the orange light from the doorway, and the red emanation from the kyber crystal that lay just below his collarbone.

Rey quirked a brow at him, certain that she was glowing along with the crystal from self-consciousness. There was a solid difference between impulse sex, and having him look at her like _that._ Ben wasn’t about to let her cover herself up though, he had grabbed her hands when she tried, and pinned them either side of her head to lean over her.

“Don’t, please,” he said, a laugh in his voice and awe in his eyes.

“What, enjoying the view?” Rey supposed the retort would have been more effective had her voice not been, well, non-existent.

“Mm, committing it to memory, in fact.”

She was happy to see that, despite his assuredness, he was properly flushed now, and she was right in noting that it reached his ears.

Rey growled a little when he made a point of perusing her again, and he chuckled at her.

“Well hurry up and take a holophoto or something, because there’s a difference between slow and _torture,_ Solo.”

Ben shook his head and lowered himself gently to press his chest against hers, before ghosting his lips over her cheek and uttering, “Just making sure it’s nice and clear.”

Rey shivered at the sensation of his words, and his fingertips tracing her arms to curve against her sides. With her hands now free, she reached for him immediately.

He pressed a lingering kiss to her lips before nuzzling his way down her neck and to her chest. Rey had one hand buried in his hair, and the other was gripping his shoulder tightly as she struggled to sort her thoughts. Ben cupped her left breast with a calloused, but gentle hand, and ghosted his lips over her right nipple. Rey sucked in a sharp breath when Ben took that nipple into his mouth and swirled his tongue around it, rubbing his thumb over her other one. It was Rey’s turn to wantonly thrust her hips into his, and she hoped that it caused him just as much painful pleasure as he was causing her.

“Sweet Force, Ben-“ she gasped, and he hummed against her skin with glee.

Rey was panting when Ben eventually ceased attentions on her breasts and kissed his way down her stomach, shifting further down the bunk. He nipped and pecked along the waistband of her leggings, and it was only when her grip in his hair probably became painful that he dipped his fingers under them and slowly peeled them off, along with her final undergarment. Rey felt his breath against herself, but the touch she was aching for didn’t come. Instead, he kissed the inside of her thigh, gripping her hips in the iron-like vice of his hands. She tried to move her legs to push him where she wanted- needed- him, but he had her pinned and continued to languidly lick and place butterfly kisses on every piece of skin except where she ached.

He wasn’t aiming for slow. Oh no, Rey thought, no he was aiming to tease. This was just downright torturous.

Ben laughed against her inner thigh right where it joined her groin, no doubt acutely aware of her emotions and intentions now that they were this close. The sensation caused her to squirm.

She didn’t even bother with the Force bond, unsure if Ben still had his blocking wall up-

 _No._ His thoughts surged from that well in her mind, making her shiver. _Not since I got on this ship._

Still, Rey didn’t bother.

“Please, Ben!” She choked, pressing her head back into the pillow and fisting the blanket with the hand that couldn’t reach his shoulder anymore.

Ben shifted in between her legs, and Rey rather suddenly saw stars as he dragged his tongue over her soaked centre. Again, he licked her hard and Rey was left with her mouth agape in a silent scream. A broken moan finally made its way past her constricted throat when Ben gently sucked on the bundle of nerves that were begging for attention. Slowly, Force, so slowly he moved one hand to join his tongue, and Rey gave a cry when Ben eased a finger into her, then slowly moved it back and forth.

She was coming undone, and now it was happening fast. His name fell from her lips in gasps and cries until that most exquisite of pains broke, and she found herself unable to think or utter a thing at all. Rey shuddered violently as her completion took her, but Ben carried on licking her until she fell still, a sheen of sweat over her body, and her chest rapidly rising and falling as she audibly gasped for air.

Rey felt the bed rustle as Ben undoubtedly finished undressing. Then there was a weight on her abdomen and Rey looked down to see Ben resting his chin just below her navel, smiling at her with slightly swollen and glistening lips.

“Smug bastard,” she panted, unable to close her legs on reflex, and only serving to wedge him tighter where he was.

He raised an eyebrow at her and grinned wider, “This is true, but you are enjoying it, right?”

Rey groaned in agreement and slumped back onto the pillows, her body still humming.

Ben laughed softly, and Rey felt him shift again. His hands crept up from their places at her hips, one intertwining with her hand that clenched the blankets, and the other first tracing her side and breast before being used to wrap her legs around his waist once more. Rey felt him against her still aching core, hard and warm, and moaned.

“You’re spoiling me, I could get used to hearing you do that,” he admitted, catching her eyes again, and a thrill ran through her at the honestly bashful look on his face. She massaged the back of his head, enamoured with the look in his eyes.

Ben stretched his body flush against hers again, moving their clenched hands above her head for balance, and kept his other hand supporting her waist, his legs in a kneeling fold under her hips.

“That’s good,” she breathed, “Because you’ll probably be hearing it a lot more when we set off after…”

Rey let her words peter off, realising too late what she had said. His eyes widened slightly, and Rey peeked up at him shyly to try see what his sentiments were, her brain far too addled in that moment to even consider the bond. Her sudden tenseness instantly melted away under his hands as unspoken affirmation filled his eyes, and he jerked his head in a shaky, stunned, but eager nod, his smile only growing.

He did not break eye contact, with that overwhelmingly gentle stare, until he leaned down and caressed her lips with his. Rey could still taste the caffa, but now she could taste herself as well. Ben moaned softly into her mouth as she gently scratched the back of his head, squeezing the hand she held.

 _Rey?_ His tone in her mind was questioning.

Rey was struck to realise he was asking if it was alright. If she was alright. It took her a moment to recover from the gesture. People actually caring for her was still something she had to get used to, Rey supposed. Especially when the person doing the asking sounded so damn scared of her resolve suddenly faltering. She almost hooted in bemusement. As if she wanted this to end…

Outside of her mind, Rey could only nod and pull him closer.

Ben moaned loudly when he rocked his hips against hers, shallowly thrusting against her till he found the angle he needed. Rey couldn’t believe it, but she was right back to being tightly wound once more. Another slow thrust and he entered her partly, gasping against her lips. Again and again he only made for gentle pushes until he was completely buried inside her, lips now at the join of her shoulder and neck, small moans muffled against her skin with every breath he took. Ben was clutching her to him like she was his only lifeline.

As Rey panted for air, tightening her legs around him, she came to realise that, truly, this time was not like the last. There was a promise in this. Of what, she didn’t think she wanted to know just yet.

“Alright?” he uttered, barely above a breath.

“Yes, Ben,” she soothed him once she got used to the feeling of being with him like this again.

Rey trailed her hand from Ben’s head, down his neck and across his shoulders, gripping him there and rubbing gently. He lifted his head to kiss her jaw, her cheek, and then her forehead before finding her lips, as he started moving again. His body was naked flame against her skin, and Rey was sure his touch would leave brands. Every little jostle sent her into bliss, and made her gasp and moan. His chest was pressed against hers, and she could feel every line of his body as it made contact with her own form. Ben was kissing every piece of her he could reach, her name falling from his lips like a prayer, and her hand still clenched tightly in his.

The slow pace he had set out was not to last. She could feel herself reaching the precipice yet again, and so could Ben over their bond. He was not far off either, and his deep thrusts grew more erratic, but her own hips still met his at every beat. Ben caught her lips in his again, and one last shift of his hips sent her reeling of the edge, and Rey was powerless to prevent herself from screaming his name against his lips. Through her dizzying ecstasy, she heard Ben cry out, and felt him spill himself inside of her, disjointedly moving until both of them were thoroughly spent.

Ben moved to prevent his weight from falling on her, but Rey pulled him down off-balance before he could, holding him close, face pressed against his neck. Ben wrapped his free arm around her waist and shifted them into a more comfortable position on their sides, tucking her close. He still had his fingers intertwined with hers, and where her head was now, she could hear his heart race.

When both had gotten their breath back, Rey was cautiously optimistic to see Ben made no move to leave.

His arm tightened around her, “I’m not going anywhere just yet, Rey.”

It made her traitorous heart sing.

 _Sleep,_ he nuzzled her cheek, falling into the ease and comfort of the bond, _I’ll be here in the morning, I promise._

Sudden guilt clouded her mind at the memory of how she had left him those few months ago.

 _Don’t._ He said gently, _It was necessary._

 _I’m so sorry._ Rey moved her head to look at him. Still, there was only tenderness in his eyes.

He kissed her forehead, then tucked her head into the crook of his neck. _Don’t worry about it, Rey. You’re here now. His tone turned teasing, and it’s not like you can disappear. This is, after all, your ship._

Rey couldn’t help but smile into his skin, drifting to sleep in Ben’s arms.

Force save her, but if this feeling was a facet of her life to come, coupled with the rewarding nature of her newfound work, then she was in want of nothing else.


	61. Serenity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ONE MORE SNIPPET TO GOOOO AFTER THIS!

**_Chapter 61: Serenity_ **

It was a dream. Rey was certain it had been a dream. She had been having so many of them, surely last night was just another, despite its exceptional lucidity. Or perhaps Rey was just _that_ desperate…

Ben hadn’t made contact in a month, and their Force bond was cold. Rey had only dreamt it again, just like she dreamt of mornings spent tangled with Ben in the far reaches of nowhere while not needing to get up, laughing with him in a cantina, playing pazaak with him in the _Sparrow,_ and walking with him under different constellations.

All were very fanciful things, Rey scoffed to herself, and she knew that she’d probably just wake up to an empty bunk, an empty head, and a heart full of longing, again.

Only, as Rey’s mind cleared of early morning grogginess, the bond was _there_ ; active and warm. Ice water that sourced from fear of delusion ran through her veins as she gently felt the bond-the presence- in her mind. No. It was definitely full of life, and open…And Rey _was_ pressed up against someone’s chest. Her hand was still clasped in someone else’s. She could clearly hear, and feel, someone’s steady heartbeat beneath her head.

Rey tentatively explored the Force presence of the figure wrapped around her, unwilling to believe her hopeful heart.

That someone was definitely Ben Solo.

The chill slowly left Rey’s body as she realised she hadn’t, again, imagined his return. Granted, as she realised the rest of her ‘dream’ had been real, it was no longer ice that ran through her veins, but fire. This was only, of course, until she remembered he ‘had to leave’.

Except he had stayed last night. Ben had stayed.

The thought left a lump in her throat, and the faintest of pricking in her eyes.

Rey had not particularly been prone to sudden bouts of overwhelming emotion, but Ben’s choice to stay left her floundering. She curled closer to him, shamelessly relishing the way he tightened his hold on her in his sleep, and listened to his heartbeat, allowing herself to simply exist in the memories of last night, and his presence in her mind.

Rey was met with peace. For once, Ben Solo was at genuinely at peace. Over the bond, Rey could feel his contentment. Dipping in, Rey could see that as much as he needed to leave last night, he couldn’t help but stay. Rey was his weakness; the one thing he couldn’t resist. His weakness, and his strength, if his thoughts were anything to go by… Oh Force. Her heart jumped erratically in her chest, and she nuzzled against his bare chest with a giddy grin plastered on her face. Ben did not wake, but his hand flexed on her back unconsciously. The way he thought of her, and lying with her like this…It fostered to a single thread in his thoughts that was so _utterly_ invested in the dream she had given him of a life from world to world, that it almost gave her hope that she’d be able to stop him from going.

All this was laid bare to Rey in Ben’s mind, over the bond, and she couldn’t help but delve in more. She was utterly helpless in the face of his warmth and need. It wouldn’t suffice to say Rey was relieved when she saw Ben had been as maddened by the past month of separation as she had been. Deeper into his surface thoughts still, and there was iron resolution, a determination to follow through with leaving the First Order, but also a burning hatred for Snoke. Rey was struck by the strength of the vengeance within him, the _need_ to reclaim all that he had lost, and the driving hunger to provide _something_ in the wake of all his destruction. The resolve that Ben had to find and rid the Galaxy of Snoke made Rey’s previous hope falter. He was desperate to rid himself of his own personal demons, as well as the threat that faced the people he cared for. Rey felt as torn as he did, stuck between two very different resolutions.

But there was something else, something bright and inviting, at the forefront of Ben’s consciousness. Rey was drawn to the thought, and dove into it as she had all the others. She was taken aback to see that it was centred on her, and the fervour of it was cushioned by flashes of them as younglings. Those, along with most of their interactions after Starkiller, were his fondest memories. It stymied her to see how dependent on her he felt. Then-

Rey snapped her mind out of his consciousness, utterly startled. It was impossible to her.

That thought, that feeling that Ben seemed to hold above all the others. That hopeful thought that he seemed to _cling_ to, it left Rey bewildered. She knew he admired her, respected her, and of late even cared for her, perhaps more than most things. No, that was an understatement-laden lie and she knew it. Rey knew this feeling she felt within him was far, far more than any compassion, or even lust. Hell, straight out lust had gone right out the airlock with their coupling.

Rey knew she felt the same way about him, skirting the more complicating thoughts.

But, _love_?

“Something in there give you a fright?” Ben’s sleep-fogged voice broke her chain of thought, and she looked up to see him smiling tentatively down at her, eyes still heavy-lidded.

Rey shook her head, “Just surprised.” She kept her voice low to hide the waver of shock.

He raised an eyebrow in a silent query.

“The way you see me. In such high regard,” she partially bluffed, deciding it was the easiest route, “I didn’t realise.”

His other eyebrow shot up, too, “You _didn’t_ think I cared for you?” he asked for clarification.

“Not necessarily.”

“Rey-”

“It’s not that,” she quickly cut him off, “I’m simply not used to people caring _at all_ …Even after everything. Near fifteen years of habit is hard to break, Ben.”

The wounded look on his face at that made her heart jump.

“I do care, Rey.” He kissed her forehead, lightly squeezing her hand that he still held, fingers interlaced, “I do.”

She nodded, trying her best to squash those uneasy feelings in her gut. She wasn’t ready to face this. Force knew she never thought she’d ever be ready.

“I know, Bennie,” Rey murmured, pressing her face into the nook of his shoulder and neck. She had no idea where the old nickname came from, but it just felt right.

He unwound his fingers from hers then, and took her in both his arms. Rey decided right then and there that there was nothing more comfortable to simply lie with than him. With the way he had pulled her, Rey was halfway on top of him now, and cradled against his body.

“You know,” he said against her hair while nuzzling her, sending shivers down her spine, “I never thought I’d ever hear you call me that again.”

Ben’s voice was thick, and it made Rey look up in worry. Had it upset him? Evidently not, because he was smiling at her with glittering brightness. Rey’s stomach coiled with an ache she could not pinpoint, so she dug her head back where it was, and sighed in contentment when Ben started tracing pattern on her back with the tips of his fingers. Rey honestly had to fight off sleep at the sensations he was causing, and Rey was certain that Ben knew _perfectly_ well what he was doing to her.

“Oh really?” he asked, obviously hearing what she was practically shouting with her mind, “-No, I didn’t hear that. Your expression is just something else entirely, Sweetheart.”

“Mmm,” she moaned in response, Ben having progressed to actively pressing the knots out of her back, “I can _feel_ you smirking from all the way down here.”

His chuckle rumbled through his chest, but he did not let up his attentions, and Rey could not help but lose herself in the way his hands felt on her while she was pressed up against him with nothing between them. Well, nothing except the kyber crystal, and it thrilled her that he continued to wear it. It somewhat promised his return to D’Qar…

“Ben?” Rey asked after a little while, reminded of his thoughts.

“Mm?”

“Did you really, uh, when I- when we,” she sighed heavily and blushed when he chuckled at her fluster.

“I _really_ enjoyed what we did a little while ago, if that’s what you’re asking?” he asked with a cheeky undertone.

Rey snorted at his teasing, and looked up to catch his gaze.

“I meant _during_ the sex, you gizka,” Rey retorted, her red cheeks somewhat lessening the snark she intended, “About, afterwards…Is that really where you see yourself? With me, out there, like-“

“That’s _all_ I want for afterwards, Rey,” Ben’s face was abruptly very serious, “Now listen closely because I mean it, and there are no two ways about this. I will have you safe, and I will ensure it. Snoke wants you very, very dead, Rey. So, I will continue to follow Snoke’s lead till I find out where he’s hiding. When that time comes, I’ll give the information to my mother, and hopefully the contribution will keep me alive long enough to spend time with her and Luke before the Resistance decides what to do with it-“

“But-“

“No matter what they choose, I’m not butting out till Snoke is dead, because as long as he remains, you stay a target and I will _not_ allow for that-“

“Ben-“ Rey would be lying to say that the prospect he was explaining didn’t scare her. His arms were locked in a vice grip around her, as if he was trying to hold himself together.

“What happens, happens, Rey. But afterwards,” his voice softened then to almost a whisper, “There’s nothing I want more than being with you, right here. Couldn’t give a frack where the ship is docked.”

Rey was silent, her heart lodged in her throat, both from fear of his resolve where Snoke was concerned, as well as desirous anticipation for the eagerness in which he wanted _her._

“…Rey?” Ben asked softly, curling his fingers under her chin to make her look at him.

Rey shook her head and pressed a lingering kiss to his lips before resting her cheek on his and winding her arms around his neck.

“I want that too.”

She felt his cheek peak in a wide smile, and Ben sighed with a happy, breathless laugh as he relaxed back against the bulkhead and pillows with Rey snugly in his arms. Their legs were tangled again, and she could have sworn she felt him run his foot down her calf before tucking her closer. One of his hands was tracing the silvery scars on her back, while the other was playing with her loose hair.

 “Unfortunately, as much as I wish I could lie with you here till the dust of war settles,” There was a smile in his voice, and she couldn’t help but laugh, “I do have to leave before Snoke calls again.” Ben sighed, his voice heavy now when he spoke, “We’re lucky he didn’t decide to prompt my next journey last night. I didn’t have any mental guards up at all. Not like I could’ve concentrated on that if I tried...I was far too invested in making you moan my name.”

Rey blushed under his teasing stare, lightly smacking his shoulder and sitting up.

“If you _must_ ,” she said, feigning flippancy while in reality her heart was probably beating right out of her chest, “But _I’m_ going to use the refresher.”

Rey tried to leave the bed, but Ben sat himself up and pulled her back against him, pressing a kiss to her fingers on the hand in his before letting her go.

She hastily threw on her tunic to cover most of her body before picking up the rest of her garments. Ben’s gaze never left her, and when Rey hesitated at the door and looked back at him, he flashed a broad, genuine smile at her that made her heart constrict. She couldn’t resist smiling back. Though, ‘beaming’ would be a better term, she thought wryly as she closed the ‘fresher door behind her once she got there, somewhat ashamed of her utter lack of aloofness where Ben was concerned. Rey yanked her tunic off in frustration, knocking a bottle of bacta off the tiny sink. She grimaced, not bothering to pick it up. In order to do so would require getting in the shower anyway for enough space to bend. One could sit on the toilet and still have one hand on the sink and the other on the shower door.

Rey sighed heavily, getting into said shower, trying her best not to think too much of the man probably still lying in bed on her ship. In _her bed_ on her ship. Her Ben, in her bed, on her ship, and also still probably sporting the most fracking enormous, beautiful grin this side of the Galaxy. Sweet fracking Force. There was no middle ground with them, it seemed. From the moment they collided it was either going to be hate or...love?

Rey put only the cold tap of the tiny shower on, taking comfort in the way the shocking water struck any immediate thoughts from her mind. It was only temporary relief, and before long that pesky uneasy feeling cropped up once again, this time in her chest, as her mind kept coming around to Ben Solo.

He loved her. He actually _loved_ her, Rey repeated to herself in disbelief, as if trying to make it more real. Though, she had to admit it just might have been ‘real’ for a while, and she had simply locked it out. Such feelings do not simply pop up overnight, Rey mused wryly.

She shut the shower off and towelled herself dry, her mind abuzz and over-analysing their last encounters. Rey knew it was useless trying to figure out the exact mechanics of it, as if that would help her figure out the hornets’ nest of emotion that was broiling in herself.

After getting dressed in her tunic and leggings, Rey took a long look at herself in the mirror.

How long had it been since she had actually looked into her own eyes?

The woman who looked back at her looked far different from the one who had left Jakku with a runaway Stormtrooper a little over a year ago, but it was still her, despite everything she had endured.

Her eyes were bright, and more awake than they’d ever looked.

Ben Solo loved her, and relied on her.

Was love like this even definable? Or did a person just _know._ Rey couldn’t be sure.

Ben depended on her, and if his thoughts had anything to say about it, he had begun to draw his strength from her, too. The memory of her, the motivation from her. Rey had to admit that, over the past few months, she had come to rely on him as well. Not necessarily depend, but it was a painful fact to her that the thought of his death was something her mind and soul actively shied away from, and that he had the ability to make everything seem just that much more manageable. Rey couldn’t understand how it had come about.

Did she regret it?

Did Rey regret the camaraderie they had developed so early on? Did she regret that unspoken boundary when neither of them killed the other in battle? Did she regret forgiving him, even when he couldn’t come to forgive himself?

Did Rey regret leaving herself vulnerable to him?

Rey supposed that she should have. She should never have stayed with him in that bar on Cato Neimoidia. She should have struck him down as soon as she could, even if it resulted in him being taken as a Resistance prisoner. It would have been _right,_ as far as everyone else was concerned. She should never have forgiven him after all he had done, to her friends and to herself. Rey should _never_ have let Ben Solo bring her walls down.

But she had, and she could not find it in herself to regret a single thing. Rey’s heart lurched.

Did she _love_ Ben Solo?

The thought was impossible, but her eyes were bright- hopeful, in spite of the confused crease twixt her brows- and hope was something rare in these times. All this time, Rey knew she had cared for him, but could she accept that it had gone _this_ far? Did she just… _know?_

A slight commotion in the main compartment pulled her into the present, and Rey hurriedly left the ‘fresher, pushing the muddling thoughts aside and padding barefoot towards the noise.

The sight that greeted her was, to say the least, dumbfounding.

“…Caffa?” Ben was sitting at the table in the centre of the main hold with a steaming cup in his hands, and another on the table in front of him.

She gaped at him, then at the full kettle in the mini-kitchen, and then back to him.

“Or, you know, if you like cold caffa you can just stand there and continue to mimic a gizka.” He shrugged, a smirk gently curling his lips.

Rey closed her mouth, moving towards him and taking a seat on the cushioned chair. She was ever so faintly disappointed to see he had tossed his shirt and trousers back on.

His expression changed to one of amusement, “I can always get undressed again for the time being, if you prefer.”

Rey blushed heavily. Frack it, she was not doing a good job at shielding her thoughts while so close to him.

“Oh could you? It would be caffa and a show,” she shot back.

Ben shook his head, a large smile on his face, before taking another drink, “As much as I’d love to, it would lead to other things and I don’t know if that’s the smartest thing to do right now, with Snoke overdue for a check in-“ His eyes twinkled then, and he pinned her with a look that was only half-joking, “-Again, as much as I’d _love_ to…”

Rey reached for her cup, and took a long sip, grateful for the heat it offered after that cold shower, although she was everything _but_ cold after his commentary. Ben was almost as bad as Maz! She felt the caffeine hit her almost instantaneously, and she savoured the aroma. The man knew how to make good caffa.

Rey must have made an appreciative noise, because Ben inclined his head to her and said, “It’s something you pick up when standard food is tasteless synthetic gruel.” He was still smiling at her.

“Thank you, Ben.”

He nodded, taking another sip, and thoroughly enjoying the red scorching its way over Rey’s cheeks, though he hardly looked any better.

Rey put her cup down, and swallowed hard, “No, I mean thank you for everything. Coming to check up… Staying last night.” Her voice was small in her throat. When had she ever been this nervous?

Ben put his caffa down, reached over, and taking her hands in his, gently tugged her around the circular chair till she was against his side. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and Rey wound hers around his waist.

“Trust me, I couldn’t leave,” he said rubbing her back, “I wanted to stay.”

“And we all know you take whatever you want, right?” Rey couldn’t resist the opportunity to tease him, as well as ease the nervousness in her gut by resorting to her trademark cheek.

He laughed, “That, and I’m a man of weak will, as we’ve seen.” It was his turn to tease her, throwing her words from their much earlier encounter on Geonosis back at her.

 _Jests aside, I think we both know how well resisting you has turned out for me,_ his voice bubbled up in her mind, and the words bounced around her head.

It was then that she noticed the black fabric hanging over the side of the lounder. His cloak. Ben caught her glance, and laughed.

“I was surprised to see it on the workbench when I came in, I had to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. It looks very well-worn,” his words were swollen with affection, and pleasant surprise.

Rey shrugged in his embrace, “What can I say? It’s hardy, warm, it keeps me anonymous in large crowds, and it doubles as intimidating. Also, it looks outright fantastic on me. You Knights have amazing taste-“ Rey sniggered when Ben lightly smacked her back, but continued softly, “-It might also smell a lot like you, and I may or may not have slept in it multiple times after drifting off in the pilot’s seat…”

“Then it stays yours,” he chuckled, but Rey could tell her words had touched him deeply, “And in all likelihood, it probably _does_ look better on you.”

Rey giggled, running her fingers through his hair and thoroughly enjoying how easy it was to just be with him. How in the world was she going to be able to let him go, _again_?

He held her tightly for a moment, cheek pressed against her forehead.

“Rey, I’m going to have to block you out now.” Sadness coloured Ben’s tone. Rey might have been mistaken, but she was sure she could hear fear in his words too. “I don’t want Snoke catching me unawares, and having access to you in the process.”

“Alright, Ben.”

Lead weighed down her gut, and it was evident in her tone.

He squeezed her as the bond went cold, softly kissing her cheek when she leant back.

“I hate doing that,” Ben muttered, “Honestly, it feels like there’s a wound in my head when I can’t feel you there.”

Rey nodded in agreement, not quite realising what she was admitting to in the small gesture. Her mind was still whirring from his words earlier.

“Well, you were the one who insisted on it,” she said quickly to cover up her previous admission.

If Ben noticed her distraction, he didn’t comment on it, instead reaching for both their mugs and handing hers to her.

Rey happily drank the offered caffa.

“I looked for something to make you breakfast, but your stocks are sorely lacking anything edible.” She almost choked on her sip of caffa.

“You wanted to make me _breakfast?_ ” Rey looked at him with wide eyes. The gesture was entirely unfamiliar to her.

Ben just shrugged in response, the motion moving her along with him as she was still resting against him.

“I-I usually just eat what the synthesizer spits out.”

He grimaced at that, “I said _edible_. You’d think we’d stock our ships better, considering both of us tend to travel a lot.”

Rey chuckled at his expression, finishing off her drink and placing her cup next to his also-empty one. “I would never have pegged you to be the one to make breakfast. Or be vaguely domestic at all.”

Ben smiled ironically, “I guess that’s what happens when our common meeting ground is the battlefield. Hacking at each other and dining each other tend to give different impressions.  Though,” he scrunched his nose mischievously at her, “Battle doesn’t seem to have worked out _too_ badly for us, as a pose to dinner and dancing in another life…”

She laughed harder at that, and it wasn’t long before Ben started too, most probably laughing at her laughing at him. After a while it didn’t really matter though. It was just Ben, and just Rey, huddled on a sofa, warmed by caffa, and laughing absurdly together.

Rey wished it could last, and as she calmed down and took in Ben, in his mirth, something dawned on her with all the subtlety of a stampeding rancor.

This was the man who had made her feel the Force in the first place. This was the man who could’ve taken everything from her and then promptly disposed of her at a wave of his hand, but didn’t. This was the man who could never strike her down even all those years ago, and instead desperately tried to procure her safety. This man, who had exhausted every route to ensure his own darkness, was unwilling to snuff her persistent light out. He was constantly risking his reputation in the First Order, and by extension his life, to save her. Now, in this seemingly perfect moment, he was risking his life to simply be in her company.

Ben Solo. Rey had never been ready to face this. Between facing Kylo Ren, the intimidating would-be-Sith, and Ben Solo, with everything that he caused in her, Rey was less frightened of battling Kylo Ren at his strongest than saying anything to Ben that would betray her guarded feelings further.

Force, she couldn’t let him go.

“Rey? Are you alright?” He was smiling at her again, a smile that made her heart jump.

“Yes.” She sounded uncertain even to her own ears.

Ben’s brow creased in the smallest of frowns, and he moved to caress her cheek. She leaned into his touch, holding his hand in place when he tenderly cradled her head.

Rey closed her eyes and breathed him in, finding that she, in no uncertain terms, did not want him to leave _at all_ , but sensing that his departure was near.

“Rey?”

There was a frown on her face now too, but not one of anger or frustration. It was pure sorrow, and Rey was adamantly keeping unbidden tears at bay as she flicked her gaze over his worried face.

“I don’t want you to go.” The words she meant to say as a simple statement came out as a pleading whisper.

She could clearly see the frustration flash over Ben’s face. He was conflicted, but she knew he was going to do what he felt was necessary. He was stubborn like that, and she could only sway him so far.

As much as she hated it, Maz was still right. If Rey didn’t let him do it, and get it out of his system, she’d have to face his self-loathing over not having tried at all. Rey was supposed to help him, and at this moment helping Ben was letting him plough ahead till a turning point was met.

Then Ben leaned in, pulling her towards him as he went, and swiftly his lips were moving against hers. His kiss was slow and consuming. She responded in kind, shifting closer to him and further deepening the kiss. This wasn’t something desperate. It was a solemn promise, and a reflection of last night’s sincere intimacy.

When they finally parted, both were panting for air, and Ben guided her head onto his shoulder before pulling her up with him, onto their feet, crushing her against him. Rey’s hands were bunched in his shirt over his shoulder blades, and one of his was holding her head, the other spanned on her lower back.

“I don’t want to, Rey. I have to.” His voice was low, and Rey suspected he may have been trying to prevent it from shaking.

She didn’t respond, keeping her lips firmly sealed lest she betray her resolve to let him go. Rey wouldn’t have him guilty over this too. They stood there, holding each other for what seemed like an age. When they eventually let each other go, Rey knew it had not been long enough.

Ben headed back to her room to gather his other items of clothing, and Rey could feel him glancing back at her as she just stood by the table, staring at the floor. It wasn’t long before she heard booted footfalls on the metal flooring, and headed to the loading ramp before he could appear in the passageway, hitting the control panel a little harder than was necessary to lower the ramp.

Rey watched as the grey of the ramp made way for the grey of the Nar Shaddaa docks, her thoughts flying around in her mind and stinging her as they went.

Should she tell him? How would she tell him? How did you tell someone you _think_ you’re in love with them?

Ben Solo materialised in her peripherals, eyes not on the dock, but on her. He didn’t say a thing, instead just studying her, taking her in.

Rey took a deep breath before turning to him, but couldn’t force a smile on her face.

She grappled with her words for a moment, before steeling herself and simply saying, “Be safe, Ben.” For once, her voice was steady by sheer will, and she was proud of herself for it.

“Cato Neimoidia,” he said softly, “If all goes well, it will still be too risky to contact you in any length over the bond, but I will call when it’s over. When you feel that tug, come to Cato Neimoidia, I’ll meet you there.” He pinned her with a loaded look, a forlorn half-smile on his mouth but not reaching his eyes, “I’m sure you can guess where.”

Rey nodded, remembering as if it were yesterday, and not a year ago.

Ben placed a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it gently, before walking down the ramp.

Rey made no move to leave from where she stood, watching Ben walk away. She wanted to call him back. She wanted to make him stay. Those words she had been so scared to say threated to spill from her lips as his small, scared voice teased her ears when he paused on the platform.

“I promise, Rey, I promise this is the last time I walk away.”

But she said nothing.

Instead she watched his form growing smaller on the walkway, and Rey realised she wanted nothing more than for him to turn around and walk back. It was then she accepted she couldn’t lie to herself anymore.

As Ben neared the gates of the dock, he spared one last long look back at her, still standing on the ramp, and then disappeared into the Nar Shaddaa slums.

Rey loved Ben Solo.

Rey regretted not telling him so.


	62. Committed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for the random nature of these latest updates, my actual grade-awarding essays must take preference my darlings!

**_Chapter 62: Committed_ **

Ben hated leaving her far more than he ever did letting her go. Rey had sported a brave face, but he knew her far better than that.  He had seen the plea behind her eyes, and the way she was fighting the urge to beg aloud. In some part, he wished she had. Perhaps he would have been weak-willed enough to give in, and rely on the goodness of his mother alone to belay judgement and maintain his life while they all searched for Snoke.

Oh, Ben knew why Rey had let him go, in spite of her persistent threat to drag him back. He knew she wanted to make sure he had nothing left to hold against himself in ‘could haves’ and ‘what ifs’.

Ben knew it wouldn’t have been an impossibility, for during all the times Snoke had called him, Ben had grown increasingly aware of the currents surrounding the oncoming attack. The minute he had decided to leave Nar Shaddaa, he had almost reflexively blocked Snoke, and barely managed to prevent himself from doing so. Mercifully, Ben had caught himself. If he _had_ blocked Snoke, then that would have been the end of the ruse, and Force only knew what would have transpired from there. That was not the case this time, and Ben was on his way to Devaron for an apparent regroup with some of the Elite commanders. Astonishingly enough, Snoke wasn’t asking him to kill anything. Ben suspected that Snoke was priming, in which case he was very close… The only issue with the path of going back _now,_ was if the Resistance at large would see value in keeping him alive long enough to find Snoke, rather than if Ben had the precise location.

It was far too late now, however. What he wanted to do was of no consequence, and Rey was most likely well on her way to some other planet. Besides, Ben had committed himself to this path. He truly did want to contribute to the Resistance’s efforts, beyond inadvertently sabotaging the First Order as he had by continuing to side with Rey. Ben honestly wanted to show his uncle that he _could_ do good, and he wanted to _prove_ that his father’s death hadn’t just stayed a part of Snoke’s failed plan to consume Ben Solo once and for all. He _needed_ to do it…But Force he regretted leaving her, even though he _knew_ he was making the right choice for the bigger picture. The Galaxy was far bigger than just two people, and Ben was responsible for so much, he could not let the chance slip away. As much as Ben wanted to run away with her then and there, he could not do all he had, and then vanish without doing anything to make it right.

Having said that, Ben definitely looked forward to the day where is _could_ be just the two of them, with nowhere to go but day to day. It was unthinkable, how Rey wanted him around, how she felt about him. Stars above, but he was a lucky one. He knew perfectly well what she had found in his head during their afterglow, and he had watched her fumble around for a while before letting her know that he was awake. So what if Rey had seen that he loved her? So what if she wanted him around when all of this was over? So what if he was sitting in the cockpit, grinning like a lovesick fool from his mother’s old holovid? He wanted her, and since there was nothing there to witness his giddy laughs but the cobalt blue of hyperspace, Ben was not about to deny himself the overwhelming joy that came with knowing Rey Kenobi wanted him too.

Ben rubbed his hands over his smile-split face, and found that his cheeks were very heated with the memory of their time together. Oh, he had been very right before. Rey was intoxicating, and he would never be able to get his fill of her. When they were younglings together, and even at her tiny stage, Rey had been the utter light of his life. His heritage was no secret amongst the other younglings, and it would be fair to say that children, when faced with seeming iniquity, were cruel. Ben’s night terrors only made the differences between him and the others that much more obvious, and as they distanced themselves from him, so he willingly isolated himself. Of course, Ben now knew all this to have been Snoke’s orchestration from the start, bar the one little shining star that he hadn’t banked on. Little Rey Kenobi, a tenacious child who had made it her tiny life’s goal to be Ben’s shadow. At first, he was the only person she had felt comfortable talking to, but in a few short days, Rey- despite their age gap- became the closest thing Ben had to a friend since he had left Poe. Rey had never left his side if she could help it, and Ben had barely been alone again after her arrival. Ben had loved her for what she was, and never in all his wildest dreams would he have imagined her to become the one he would love like _this._

Ben had never let himself dwell on any delusions of her coming back into his life, no matter how many times they flitted across his mind. But, it seemed the Force had taken pity on the wretched little boy Ben Solo with all his mistakes, and gifted him the most precious of treasures when he needed her the most.

The thought of Rey Kenobi would be the beacon that kept him going, and he _would_ make sure that she had nothing to fear from Snoke, or any of his subordinates, again. Ben would also keep his promise. He would see her as soon as he could, and ‘soon’ it would most likely be, if the edge in Snoke’s tone was anything to go by.

As with many things before, Ben only hoped he’d be able to make the _right_ decision when the time drew near to meet Snoke. Run to the Resistance too soon, and they may lose him. Leave it too late, and Ben would be left with a slight problem. Additionally, when was the right time to defect, and still get the Resistance’s army to Snoke’s position in time?

The more Ben thought about it, the more impossible it all seemed, but he remained determined. Snoke would die, and Ben would do it with the utmost pleasure. He would take revenge for his mother, his father, his uncle, his own lost life, and the life that had been ripped from Rey. Ben’s smile turned somewhat sardonic as he realised that Snoke had always wanted him to channel his pain, anger, and passion into his actions, and the same teaching would prove Snoke’s downfall if Ben had it his way. Student turning on the Master. How wonderfully archaic, and how true to the Old Sith. The thought was almost a funny one.

Ben supposed Rey would be able to help him, or else stop him from being consumed by single-minded vengeance. Her choice would be one he could be at peace with, be it running away or fighting till the end, since she deserved the right to decide far more than he did.

***

Rey had stood out on the ramp for a very long time before turning back to work on the hyperdrive. She had been numb by the time she had moved, and that detachment had allowed her hands to work beyond the interference of her mind. In a few hours, the hyperdrive was back online, and Rey had entered hyperspace for the next location that had popped up on her navchart. That, however, was where the _Sparrow’s_ autopilot kicked in, and Rey’s bombed out.

Watching him leave… Was that what he had felt like on Mygeeto? No, no…He had felt worse. He hadn’t known if he would ever see her again, but Rey believed Ben when he said he would see her soon. She had to. If she didn’t, she would not be able to cope with the idea that she actually loved him. Rey had assumed such ‘love’ was always the thing of faraway tales and old spacer songs. It wasn’t a luxury she could ever afford on Jakku, and it was something that was hard to find at any rate. Love for friends, and love for family was something of its own brand entirely, and that was not as rare or foreign a concept. But _love?_ Force, Rey wished there was a better word for it in Galactic Basic because frack, it didn’t quite cut it. What she felt for Ben was the kind of selfless love that came with putting someone before you without a second thought. It was forgiveness, and unconditional understanding. It was wordless support, and occasional blind trust. Sure, sometimes it hurt. It was hard, it was gritty, and it could get ugly at times, but at the end of it all they still found peace in each other, and had weathered the storm a little worse for wear, yet stronger than before.

To Rey, the notion of it all was about as fantastical as the strangeness of the Galaxy had been after a life on Jakku, and yet it all rang true. Rey was never under any delusion that their dynamic would be filled with sunshine and meadows. It was the middle of a sundering war, and the two of them had operated on opposite sides. Soon though, soon they would be working together without having to hide it. Rey knew it would be a source of division within the Resistance, so timing was key. There would be those who only demonised Force Users further, those who viewed him as a tool to be used, those who would be suspicious of her, and those who wouldn’t care at all.  So rarely did those groups ever leave each other alone.

Rey was not a fool. She knew that Ben would have to be in some form of custody till a decision was made, and Rey wasn’t entirely sure how either of them would deal with that, never mind the people on base. It would most likely turn out to be one more experience he’s already had, that Rey would get to experience. Perhaps her being a prisoner of the First Order was something more manageable than him being a prisoner of the Resistance… At least the First Order had been cocky enough to think they could manage her. The Resistance knew that Ben was immensely powerful, and would be exceptionally skittish of him.

The console beeped at her furiously, and reminded her of the approaching drop from hyperspace. Rey shook her head hard, sighing as she reminded herself that the circumstances she was playing out in her head were still a ways from now. But…they _were_ definitely close enough to worry her. Now, however, she was almost at Naboo for her last-minute outpost check-in, and her thoughts were slightly more ordered, but only marginally.

When the planet finally jumped into view, Rey hauled herself in line for entry, and hurriedly piggybacked onto the outpost’s encrypted comms system to upload anything she may have missed in her downtime. Rey clapped her hands over her ears in shock and recoil as static screamed over the speakers, and she rushed to tune down the frequency. It seemed that someone had been relentlessly queuing her codes. Gradually, the overwhelming white noise began to die down, and live-feed filtered through.

“-damn girl always in hyperspace-Force damn it can’t these hidden channels fracking update to _leaving voice messages?”_

 _“Finn?”_ Rey called over the channel, instantly on alert from the alarmed quiver in his voice.

“OH! Now you come on- POE! She’s up-”

“Finn what-“

Poe interrupted her, his voice first far away, then getting louder as he neared the mic. “Thank the Force, Maker, and Stars above-“

“What’s going on?” Rey cut him off, honestly panicked at their equal distress.

“Where are you right now?” Poe asked instead, ignoring her question.

“Naboo. I just got here.”

Finn was the one to answer, his voice taking on the high-pitched tone trademark of his anxiety, “Oh, great, splendid. Leave. Get your lightsaber wielding backside into hyperspace _now,_ we-“

“Rey there’s an attack happening,” Poe jumped in, with the sound of grabbed comm microphone muffling his words, but Rey still caught them with an icy terror, “The First Order has been coming in waves, and so far we’ve been holding out but-“

“WHAT?” she yelled, abruptly finding her voice past the tiny squeaks she had been uttering while Poe was talking in urgency, “I’m on my way!”

Quickly, she flipped the ship right out of entry space and moved it to departure, retracting her request for docking as she went.

“Hurry, Rey, we need you on the ground. There’s some stuff going on here…Rey they have fracking _beasts!_ I-“

 _Beasts?_ As in, _animals?_ At least the presence of the terentatek on Malachor would make more sense…Terrible, dreadful sense…

“It looks like they’re testing, sweets. Leia’s got us on forced rest at the moment. Myri’s banged up one shot, she’s in the infirmary. Luke is having problems, some of these hostiles are insane, Rey-”

Testing? Oh… Ben had said he felt Snoke was close to a final assault.

“And anyone of rank?” she choked out hoarsely, hoping and praying that-

“No one from high up, no. Not even Phasma,” Finn responded.

Thank the Force, Rey mouthed silently, letting her eyes shut for just a moment before clearance came through and she prepared to jump for hyperspace.

Ben wasn’t there, and that gave Rey courage.

“I’ll be there soon, hang in there!”

“Hurry.”

Then Rey jumped, and the link cut out. She desperately hoped the patched-up hyperdrive would push its hardest to get her there as soon as possible. Once her ship was back in autopilot, Rey darted into her quarters to hastily change into her combat robes.

An attack on Resistance headquarters? And _without_ the full strength of either the First Order army or the Resistance one? This did not make sense to Rey with regards to what Ben had told her was Snoke’s master plan. According to Ben, Snoke aimed to cripple the hold of the Force with cataclysmic scales of death, and then remould the way it connected to life, perverting it with his own sense of how it should be. This was simply not possible without larger forces, wasn’t it?

Rey was back in the cockpit, and finished up tying her hair into a braid.

The scale of the attack just didn’t add up. Or else…

Rey slumped back in the pilot’s chair, her hands on her face.

Testing, of course.

Snoke must be testing to make sure that both sides would cause large scale casualties in the other, but naturally so that the First Order won by a margin to ensure Snoke’s ‘political’ hold. Mostly, he would still need a charade government for the sake of the Galaxy at large. And with an attack like this, it was practically a flag-battle for a Galaxy-wide clash. Ben would have to find Snoke, and they would have to end this soon, or else there could be very little left of good to fight for.

Rey was on edge for the entire trip, and re-entry past the fog native to D’Qar, and the billowing smoke of war, did not come a moment too soon. She was relieved to find the base still occupied by the Resistance, and all but crash-landed in her usual hangar.

Finn and Poe didn’t even wait for her to clear the channel with her own voice before hailing her to get to the frontlines. Luke was expecting her, and while they had just fended off the most recent attack, another was steadily building already.

Rey unhooked her saber, and ran.


	63. Resurge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because Dark!Rey is never truly gonna go away :D All about that balance yo.  
> and next week on These Fracking Jedi™, the Senators soil their pants  
> ALSO: Thank you to everyone who's stuck around this long and still keep reviewing! You're all 100% pure cute patoots and I love each and every one of you for your groundbreaking dedication <3 I'd kiss all y'all if i could, but South Africa is a lil way down here so I'll just wave lovingly from afar ;)

**_Chapter 63: Resurge_ **

When Rey reached Luke, she found him healing up a gash across his shoulder with astonishing speed.

“You know, just because you _can_ heal yourself so well doesn’t mean you should get hurt _more!”_ Rey gasped, coming to a rest beside him.

The troops clustered around at the front line were weary and battered, but ready.

“Rey! Thank the Force,” Luke smiled before appraising her with a raised brow, “And I don’t think, with all you’ve been up to, that you are one to pass judgement on my injury rate.”

Rey shrugged with a breathless chuckle, “You know what they say; Those who can’t do, teach.”

Luke rolled his eyes and took the hand she offered him to pull him up from his seat on the ground.

“I supposed that since I’ve already lost my hand, I may as well aim to lose the arm too,” he retorted drily, casting a nervous look to the fields and trees beyond the map of pathways and staircases.

Igniting her lightsaber, Rey let her gaze follow his, and scanned the surroundings for any hint of movement. She could feel and hear _things,_ but most chilling of all were the absences.

“Vong,” Rey hissed, and caught Luke nodding grimly out of the corner of her eye, activating his own green blade.

His old blue one was still in the _Sparrow,_ untouched. Rey hadn’t needed it, and Luke certainly didn’t seem to-

“Vong indeed, along with a few terentatek, Hssiss, and Poe even spotted a drexl larvae on his flyover-“

“How in the world are they controlling them? I only saw one terentatek on Malachor, and it was being used for training-“

“Or perhaps being trained. The Dathomirian do love their rancors. I can’t imagine that such well-versed beast tamers would pass up the chance of controlling such vastly more volatile creatures.”

So many beasts…Snoke really was aiming to include everything possible that would be as effective as possible for his own purposes.

“And Leia? Is she safe?” Rey asked, frowning, “I wouldn’t want her in the path of any of _those.”_

Luke nodded, “She’s in central, with Chewie,” he chuckled, “That Wookiee has taken his bodyguard duties very seriously the past few days.”

“Past few _days?”_ Rey yelped, her eyes stretching wide, “Luke, how long has this been going?”

He huffed, “This fight, not long. However, three of the remaining Senators who back the Resistance decided to grace D’Qar with a visit shortly after you left. I will admit that the date of your departure was somewhat planned on my part-“ Luke admitted sheepishly, “Two of the men are supercilious creatures who are heavily suspicious of the Force, particularly of my bloodline, as you can imagine-“

Darth Vader’s child, along with Leia. Yes, yes she could.

“-They in particular would love to see Leia fail, and have their own pick of the General.  So Chewbacca has been keeping a close eye on them, as have I. Thankfully,” he laughed humourlessly, “I need not go very far. They scrutinise me just as closely.”

Rey was seeing red, caught by the sudden indignity of what Luke was vaguely describing.

“And you sent me away in the hopes that it would not antagonise the already shaky relations?” she asked for clarification.

“Yes.” Luke was unnecessarily worried. It did not bother Rey. In fact, it was rather smart on his part.

“Good plan,” Rey said light-heartedly, and meant it, “Pity it couldn’t last. First Order always has to muck it up with their meddling. Any idea _why_ the Senators came at all?”

Luke sighed, “Apparently Kylo Ren has been spotted checking in with several planets known to have First Order training grounds. They read this as the Order readying for final attacks.”

Rey snorted derisively, still searching intently for any oncoming mob in the distance. There had been plenty movement in the air what with the very solid dogfight taking place, but eventually that too had dissipated. At that very moment, everything was dead.

“Well,” Rey grumbled, “They were at least right about one thing. Snoke is getting his forces ready, but Ben was not really checking in. He was killing off the other leaders within the larger order of the Knights of Ren, by Snoke’s order.”

Luke winced in her peripherals, and asked with a heavy voice, “So he’s still following Snoke?”

“Only till he finds Snoke’s location,” she answered distractedly, repeating information like a holovid, and trying to ignore the feelings that rose due to talking of him, “He’s been summoned, but he was given work to do first. Whether tying off loose ends, or keeping people in line, I’m unsure. But I’m not exactly complaining, since it fits in with our end goal quite nicely.”

“Summoned?” Luke echoed hoarsely.

“Like I said, Snoke is readying his last moves.”

“But why won’t Ben just _come home?_ ”

Rey sighed, tearing her eyes from the forest in the distance and facing Luke head on.

“Because he knows, just as well as you and I, that he needs to supply something of value in exchange for an extension on his life, whether that be by establishing a trial for after all is done, or offering himself as a weapon to use against Snoke,” she leant in and whispered so that none of the soldiers milling about would hear, “Either way, we won’t be sticking around long enough for said trial or verdict to happen, especially now with these Senators here-”

Her voice trembled then, and swelled with an unbidden emotion.

“-And as I’ve said before, Ben also wants to show you, and everyone else, that there’s good in him, whether people believe it or not.”

Luke smiled, and it was one full of weariness, but tinged with nostalgic joy.

“Seems to run in the family, this inability to just accept, and be.”

Rey was in the process of heartily validating, her face pulled in a particularly emphatic expression of agreement, when a ghastly roar tore over the compound. All heads snapped to the source of the cacophony; a terentatek, chain around its neck, and a Vong leading it on.

“That’s the largest one yet…” Luke breathed, and Rey nodded weakly.

The monstrous pair advanced, and the stunned silence among the Resistance soldiers broke with the flurry of X-Wings launching to the sky to engage another wave of TIE. All around Rey, weapons were drawn and cries of vindication rippled through the people. When a large force appeared behind the oncoming beast, the soldiers ran forward to engage.

“You ready for this, Rey?” Luke asked gently.

“No,” Rey swallowed hard, “But we have to do what we have to do, right?”

Luke shrugged, watching the enemy push through as laser blasts rained down from the fight overhead, and the troops creating a wall before them.

Rey took a deep breath to brace herself, then zeroed in on the terentatek, her heart lurching when the Vong ripped the chain loose and it lunged forwards. Without thinking, she ran towards it.

“REY!” Luke’s voice was filled with panic, but Rey did not as much as look back.

“I have the beast, you help the men!”

Whatever his answer was, she did not hear. The terentatek had swatted several troops aside as if they were ragdolls, and had now caught sight of her. But so had several Elite. Rey skid to an abrupt standstill and vigorously sent a heavy wall of Force hurtling towards the oncoming squad, sending them flying back. The terentatek merely stumbled, but it was enough. Rey spun her saber and landed three rending blows across the creature’s face, lopping off a twisted horn, and exposing its skull. The splatter of acidic blood burned her skin slightly, but Rey knew it would cause little more than welts or blisters. She neatly dodged the half-blinded creature’s claws, but grunted in pain when an Elite’s strike lipped her ribs. They had recovered far quicker than Rey anticipated, and she had to suffer a flailing backhand from the beast in order to cast the oncoming Elite into Stasis. All but one were rendered immobile, and Rey had caught the scaly swipe across her forearms, tensing her body so that she could land on her feet after being thrown back.  As soon as her boots hit the ground, she engaged the Elite that had resisted her Stasis attack, striking at him in a flurry that forced him back within the reach of the raging beast. With a last flick of her wrist, she sent the man stumbling right into an infuriated swipe of the terentatek’s claws. The creature did not seem to care for its trainers or masters, for it ripped the man to shreds, and Rey used it’s distraction to thrust her saber up through its gaping, howling maw.

Rey quickly deactivated her saber to break loose, and rolled out of reach once more, not in want of another acid-blood shower, or the terentatek’s dying toxic gas. Rey staggered back once she regained her footing to see two immobile Elite die in their Stasis from the terentatek’s toxins, and se let their bodies fall, breathing hard in relief at the creature’s death.

It was far too late when she felt the absence of the Vong behind her, and was subsequently thrown to the ground with a burning cut across her back. The ferocity of it knocked her breathless, and it was only by sheer will that Rey managed to flip herself over and activate her blade quick enough to deflect a crushing blow. The Vong rounded on her quickly, giving her no actual time to be afraid at all. Rey was numb, with the only though in her mind being of Ben as she readied her shaking body to hopefully deflect another blow. Rey knew her Stasis on the other Elite would not last much longer, and she would only delay the final blow by moments, scrambling back on her elbows as she was. It was a position she had found herself in a few times while out on her own and she could see the deadly intent in the Vong’s eyes. He was not going to take his time with her as his kin had.

But this was a battle and Rey was not alone.

And there was a shimmering green saber poking out from the Vong’s gut before it was wrenched to the side and the Vong fell to the ground at Rey’s feet, in front of Luke Skywalker.

“Come on, Rey,” he held out a hand for her to take, “I’d hate to see Ben find out you died unnecessarily. The Galaxy would never hear the end of it...”

“Thanks Luke!” Rey gasped in sharp discomfort when he yanked her to her feet.

“Don’t mention it,” he said, pressing his hand to her back and healing her up with unreal speed.

While he was busy, one of the Elite broke free of the Stasis and immediately made to attack him from behind. Rey reacted on instinct at the movement, and caught the man in a fierce Force Choke, lifting him clean off the floor and hurling his body away. Following on to that movement, she grabbed another with a flick of her right and cast three more into a Cyclone with her left, flinging their limp forms in all directions.

“All done, time to get to work!”

“Go, Luke,” Rey inclined her head to the melee, hands outstretched to guide the Force, “I’ve got you covered.”

He nodded once in clear understanding, aware of the decided storm in her eyes. Luke made no visible reaction to her use of the Force, instead throwing her an encouraging expression before digging into the opponents.

Rey took this as backing, and with her lightsaber deactivated in her grip, she was working the currents of the Force as if conducting an orchestra, oblivious of the blasterfire of opportunistic Stormtroopers landing grazing hits on her body while Luke fought with his blade, weaving in and out of enemy lines. A wave of Push there, a Pull here to send several Elite careening into Luke’s deadly, graceful dance. The Force hummed heavy in the air as an ominous melody, sweeping Rey’s mind away with the tendrils of energy moving to the music they made. She was a puppet master, and the strings she tugged on unravelled minds, and crushed bodies.

Luke effortlessly tore thought the men and beasts Rey immobilised, but the directives he called to her fell on deaf ears. The roar of the Force, so alive and present, filled her ears and flooded her senses. Rey didn’t need to hear him anyway, she knew what he wanted before he said anything. She could feel it through the Force. The wounds she sustained were a mere annoyance; petty obstacles in the path of the energies she was guiding. Before long, Rey wasn’t even looking at the carnage around her with the sight of normal folk. Her eyes had long since fluttered closed, but she could still _see_ … And she could hear far more than the sounds around her. Rey could hear voices, hissing on the edges of her own comprehension. It was not an unfamiliar sound, she had heard these whisperings before. They were urgent, and their strength grew with every drop of blood that left her body, and every ounce of precious sustenance burned to fuel her strength and grasp on the Force-

And she could see clearly the energy pulsing around her, in stark contrast to her waning strength.  Rey needed that life, she needed it or else she was going to collapse on the battlefield with the injuries she was sustaining. If she fell, she would be of no use to anyone. But the life of her enemies was there. Right there, so ripe for the taking, and then their deaths would not be so wasteful.

No further had she thought, than her eyes flew open as Elite and Stormtroopers alike around her screamed in utter agony, falling to the floor moments later, lifeless, with purple lightning dancing across their corpses. The cruel tendrils themselves sourced at Rey’s clawed fingers, and she marvelled at how she could direct the arcs by twisting her wrists and fingers this way and that. What was more enthralling was the way her body sewed itself up before her eyes and all the pain bled away under the currents of the white-purple energy.

All around her, her enemies fell, men and beasts alike, and their lives fed her strength, healing her. Their cries cut short in their throats, but the shouts of the Resistance troops kept the screams alive. Fear, awe, anger. She heard the cry for help far above all the utterances of terror.

Luke.

Luke was overwhelmed by Elite, and for a moment their eyes met across the way. His was a look of wild hope, hers of steely determination. Arching her arms high over her head, and stretching her hands and fingers towards the group, Rey blasted them with the newfound power, which was now more blue than purple in her anger.

Lighting. Lightning that took life.

The scorched bodies of Luke’s attackers were thrown back with unearthly vigour, and the man himself allowed a moment’s rest on bended knee in the lull that followed.

Rey could see that Luke was badly hurt, and she found it not so difficult a prospect to heal him from where she was standing, swathed in the currents of the Force as she was. In blind faith, Rey flattened her palms in his direction, and envisioned the motions of healing through the eyes of the Force. Luke’s eyes flew wide a moment later, and he nodded at her in gracious, astounded thanks before turning to his next assailants; a beast-tamer and an Hssiss. Rey knew he would have no issue, instead focusing on turning this energy she had amassed on the rest of the Resistance’s troops to heal and rejuvenate them.

She may not be officially Captain Kenobi any longer, but she still _cared_ for her men. The surprise and unexpected happiness on the soldier’s faces when they found their bodies mended was reward enough.

Smiling, Rey turned her attentions back to the battle at hand, letting the pull of the Force guide her actions as the onslaught of enemies showed no signs of stopping. The voices at the limits of her hearing grew more insistent.

Rey could have sworn she heard the voice from her earliest vision, a voice that only ever existed in the worst of the terrors, and on the breaths of the winds.

‘These are your first steps’, it had said.

Now it seemed to call her name, while another more taunting one followed suit.

But it could have all just been the hum of the Force.

Soon, the jeering laughter of the second whisper was drowned out altogether, and Rey ignored the breaths of the first, moving where her instinct guided her. It was an indistinct concept at that point of who was truly pulling the strings, as Rey felt more like a marionette than anything else, but it was a comfortable push and pull that she followed while unravelling everyone else’s strings.

Sometimes enemies would come to close to the storm that was Rey Kenobi, and her bright yellow blades would ignite, solving the problem. The colour would bathe her for only a moment before it disappeared, having served its purpose. Otherwise, the woman was a dancer, moving to a melody only she could hear, and all the others around her seemed to fear, bar one.

Luke Skywalker was not afraid, and as the sky darkened, and the flow of hostilities began to wane, a few other brave souls around her shed their fear too.

Ben had believed in her from the start, much like his uncle was learning to now. He had cherished her even at her worst, and revered her past all her flaws. Rey hoped then, in a fleeting thought, that he knew- just somehow _knew-_ that Rey loved him as he was too. She hoped she’d get the chance to tell him, with this battle painting as grim a picture as it was.

She would see him again, she _had_ to.

With no room in her heart left for failure, and a burning desire scorching her soul, Rey’s direction and control of the Force increased tenfold. Her Insanity tricks left all the enemies save those immune at the mercy of the nearest grunt with a blaster, while the ruthlessness of her normal attacks and more physics-based Force manoeuvres crippled those who resisted petty trickery. The fear in the air was something tangible, but Rey didn’t care in the moment. She had tools at her disposal, and she would use them to get the job done.

The scarred scenery was smothered in pitch-blackness by the time the night was quiet, save for the steady pine of mourning that swelled and diminished with the breath of the breeze. Rey stood where she had through it all, her eyes unblinkingly open, staring over the carnage that was once a beautiful horizon. She might have been mistaken for a pillar or statue, so little did she move.

Rey was trapped in her mind. She could not escape the insistent voice that needed to be heard, but she ran from it as it reminded her of her terrors. However, turning from the utterances only pushed her deeper into the gaping hole in her psyche left by Ben Solo. Rey did not know which was worse.

She supposed she would find out soon, as her thoughts could not tumble forever, and the heavy currents of the Force that she could taste so clearly now- after immersing in them for so long- were closing in.

_Rey._

She wanted it to be Ben.

_Rey._

It was not Ben.

_You’re so close, Rey._

When would it be Ben?

_Your final steps approach._

When would he call her, and end this infernal tussle?

_You must be strong, Rey._

She could be, but she wanted to be with him. Could she be selfish over just this one thing in her life? Could she just love Ben Solo?

A tear rolled down her cheek, and a hand on her arm shook her mind free from its prison. The voice that danced between the realms of hearing was gone, but in its place was a feeling not unlike awakening from a Force dream. The sky was brightening with early morning rays. She had been standing there for hours.

“Rey,” Luke spoke, coming to stand before her. His face was lined with the weariness of battle, but it was kind, and filled with sincere affection, “Your father would have been so proud of you. Your grandfather would have been proud of you. I am proud of you.”

A lump choked her when she met his eyes, “How, Luke? How can you be proud of me, using the Force as I do?”

“You use it well. You use it wisely, though certainly you still have a lot to learn. But that is all the universe will ever ask of you.”

A hysterical giggle bubbled past her lips as memories of the power she had wielded tingled her skin, yet her limbs hung limp, “I can see now why the Sith did what they did. Ben was right, it is truly intoxicating. But draining,” she sighed, “One would need to keep that euphoria up to sustain such an existence.”

Luke nodded, wrenching her saber hilt from her white-knuckled grip, and hooking it on her belt for her, “And that right there is the wisdom I refer to. You have the knowledge to balance it Rey. Use it well.”

He slung an arm around her shoulders to lead her to the battered compound, but Rey did not budge. Instead, she flung her arms around him and hugged him tight, the gravity of her exertions weighing heavily on her body and mind. Luke returned the embrace after a moment’s shock, and comforted her as he had the first time they met.

Rey was at her current end, and she knew he could feel it. She did not want to think about the voice that chose now to plague her again. She did not want to think of all the death she had caused. She did not want to think of the consuming power that her unassuming person possessed.

All Rey wanted was to be back in space, with _real_ people, using her abilities to solve _real_ problems. She wanted to be with _Ben_ again, and just feel like a _real_ person.

Rey hadn’t realised she had wept all of this aloud into Luke’s shoulder till he told her it _would_ happen if she sought so badly to make it so.

“Come on, Rey,” Luke murmured after her subsequent shuddering breaths had calmed, “They will be worried for us. Let’s not keep them waiting. Perhaps we can be of help in the medical wing?”

He was guiding her there without need of the nod she offered, and Rey was grateful for his presence on the long walk back through the base, for there were many whispered around her, and Rey was painfully aware that very few of them were kind.


	64. Detached

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOO HOO CONVICTION SNIPPET IS UP NEXT FOR YOOOOOO  
> and I’m so sorry it took this long to upload MEA CULPA  
> Sing with me now: The characters go dy-ing one by one hoorah! hoorah!  
> No major death for the forseeable future tho babes, don't sweat it

**_Chapter 64: Detached_ **

The scene Rey was met with was something faraway and detached. The faceless bodies running through doors and down halls moved as ghosts before her eyes, and the sounds of cries and shouted orders were tinny to her ears. The medical wing was pure chaos, but none of it touched Rey. Luke moved her through the bustling forms, a firm hand on her arm, guiding her. Panicked expressions blurred past, and mournful cries pierced every now and then through the dampened wool that seemed to plug her ears.

Those weren’t just anyone’s cries.

Kima Es, the Kaminoan specialist, flew across the corridor words a huddle of people who were so familiar to Rey.

Leia lifted her head from the clump and caught Rey’s dazed stare. There was a figure in her arms, breaking his heart in chest-wracking sobs. He was saying a name, over and over.

Myri.

The figure in Leia’s arms was Rem, trying so desperately to get into the operating chamber beyond, where Kima walked out shaking her head. The wordless cries belonged to Poe and Finn, collapsed on the bench against the wall. Rey could not take another step forward as the sounds around her became louder, clearer, and rushed in to cause static in her ears. Her mind was fogged, and Luke’s hand on her arm was no longer steering her, but keeping her upright altogether. This was at least till Rey was close enough to the wall to use it as a prop, and Luke shuffled to Leia’s side, placing a comforting hand onto Rem’s back.

Rey rather suddenly felt like a stranger, and intruder, as no tears sprung to her eyes, and the lump in her throat was swallowed with ease. She was an alien, looking upon the sincere grief before her eyes as if it was a holovid on repeat. Her gaze drifted from the grieving family before her to the similar scenes taking place in front of every door down the corridor. Her head and body followed her hollow stare till she turned on the wall and faced all the way back to the exit. Rey was drawn as if pulled to the salvation of open air, and without thought she began to stumble along the wall back to the open blast doors.

She may have heard someone call her name, but that could have been anything from wishful thinking to a long-dead voice finding home in her head. It was not the voice she wanted, needed, to hear. So Rey paid no heed, and faltered on. Medical droids whizzed around her, and dead eyes jumped out at her from every angle and shadow. The walls themselves were closing in, and the clinically sterilized smell of plasma and oxygen burnt her nose till her hands found purchase on the doorframe. Rey hauled herself out to the courtyard, and leant heavily on a bench, her head lolling against her chest. She breathed heavily, but no air came.

Myri…Myri and how many more?

Rey should have wept. She should be in there, her arms around Rem, or Finn, or Poe. If anything she should at least be standing there, as bereaved as Leia had looked. She should have felt _something_ more than what she did.

But she felt nothing. Nothing bar the claustrophobia that threatened to black out her vision. Rey felt intense guilt for the departing of someone who had shown her kindness when she was thrown to the wolves. A friend. She felt rage at Snoke, for the carnage wrought in his name. She felt bitter disgust at both the First Order and Resistance for the war they fought. Rey blamed herself for not being there to help her. She _knew_ Myri was in the medical wing.  She had been told it was not good. She had assumed Myri would make it through like she always did.

Rey was very wrong.

And it hit her hard that this was it. This was why she would never last in a system like this. It was impersonal and cold, till it wasn’t. It was all numbers and statistics, till the body of a dear one was lying lifeless before you. And what had you been doing? Fighting for the ‘greater good’. Rey had rushed to defend at the front lines, not a stranger to it at all. She could have healed Myri, couldn’t she? Who was to know…?

It was far too late now, for many people.

Rey should be in there with them, but she felt like a bystander. Her energy was spent, and her heart filled to capacity. There was no longer any room in Rey Kenobi till her tensions were eased, and Rey knew that there was only one thing that was going to end the limbo she found herself in. A pity that the bond was still so cold.

Rey would grab Ben Solo and run with him. Depending on what news he brought, there was very little that could keep her around all of this much longer. In fact, the _only_ thing that would keep her around would be Snoke’s precise location, just so that she could tear the monster’s heart out herself.

Gradually, Rey’s ragged breathing steadied, and her vision began to clear. She could make out voices around her, not ethereal but grounded. There were others in the hospital yard, and the better part of them had their hostile eyes trained on her. Shakily, Rey straightened herself and walked towards the arch that lead to the main promenade. As she went, an unfamiliar, haughty face caught her attention.

She, and the sharp-featured Coruscanti man only locked eyes for a moment, but it was more than enough for Rey to get a sense of the elderly person. He was regal, at least in poise, and sneered at her down his nose as if she were a serpent that needed killing. Ironic, since his eyes spoke only of being a snake. His lined and sour face lingered in her eyes for long after he had disappeared behind her, aided on by the whispers around her.

 “-Did you see what she _did?”_

“-Sucked the life right out of them, I tell you. Ten at one go!”

“-Completely lost it, her eyes were shut and-“

“What if she had to turn, you know? So many did, like that Vader-“

“No one person should have that much-“

“Sith powers if I ever saw ‘em. I tell ya, she’s gonna get us all one day. She ain’t one of us-“

That made Rey slow, her heart doing the exact opposite in her chest.

“-Schutta’s spent so much time in the First Order’s custody, d’ya honestly think they’d not get to her?”

Is this what they thought?

“You think?” a woman hissed back, utterly frightened.

“Without a doubt,” the man replied, venom dripping from every word.

Rey’s blood ran cold.

This was what they thought. This was what the people she had given so much for thought.

Ben, please, she found herself begging, call soon.

She just wanted to leave. She just wanted some peace. Was it so much to just want _less?_ Frack the regalia, frack the fanfare, and frack the hero’s journey. Was it so much to just want a ship, a navchart, and the man she loved?

“Oi! I’m talking to you!”

Rey carried on walking, hoping the man from earlier was calling to someone else. There was so much shouting going on after all…

“Jedi!”

Oh no.

Rey stopped in her tracks and turned slowly.

The man along with the group to whom he had most likely been talking were stalking towards her. Rey bit her tongue and clenched her fists at the rise of anger that bubbled underneath the blanket of her dispassion.

“Made it out without a scratch again, eh?”

“The benefits of Force Healing,” she muttered through gritted teeth, regretting the retort almost immediately as the man’s eyes burned in dangerous fury. This wasn’t going to end well.

“Fat lot of help that does the rest of us though, ain’t that so?”

Rey didn’t answer, but the guilt gutted her.

“But you always seem to get out of tight fixes now don’t ya?” he sneered, taking a large step closer to her and filling all the space before her.

He towered over Rey, and smiled at her as if she were a piece of meat.

“Spend more time with the First Order than us, yet you keep getting out no problem, don’t ya?” The man’s wolfish grin turned into a viscous baring of teeth.

“I don’t understand what you’re insinuating,” Rey bluffed with a dry mouth, working very hard to swallow the nauseating anger burning her throat.

He laughed, and she did not miss how it was filled with bitter grief. He had lost someone, this was clear to Rey.

“Don’t fool yourself, Sith-toy,” he hissed, leaning closer, and Rey met his glare with defiance, “Because you aren’t fooling me. Do you honestly think people wouldn’t notice how you just seem to _come back_ against all odds? Snoke got his claws into you but good didn’t he?”

He shoved her hard, but Rey only stumbled a single step before regaining her tenuous composure, red tinging her vision. She thought for a moment she saw Poe and Finn over the giant man’s shoulder, but then he was in her face again.

“You’re nothing but a little First Order _whore,_ and I’m sure of it. No one has as much luck as you, _no one-“_

He pushed and prodded her viciously with every word till she couldn’t keep her balance any longer, and had to catch herself on her elbows when he finally beat her to the floor. Rey was not about to fight back, she was collected enough to know that her control was far too unstable at this point. The man would not walk away with his life.

“-It’s a good thing the Senators are here, because I can’t wait till they hear the rumours too, and sentence you just like they’ll deal with every one of your kind-“

No, that definitely _was_ Finn and Poe walking- now running- towards her, shoving through the enthralled onlookers who appeared to be far more on her assailant’s side, not that she blamed them.

Then he pulled out a blaster and aimed it at her head.

Rey supposed she should have flinched, or been afraid. She wasn’t. She was just so _tired._

“-Or maybe I can spare them the bother, what do you think? Do the rest of us normal people a favour and-“

The resounding crack that cut off his words _did_ make her wince, but it was not from the blaster going off. It was Finn’s fist connecting with the man’s jaw.

What happened next was little short of mayhem. Rey barely managed to scuttle clear before Finn and Poe were in an all-out brawl with the soldier and his two lackeys. Three on two, yet Poe and Finn were well on top of the others.

It took Chewbacca and five other heavy-set men to break the fight apart, and Rey found herself being helped to her feet by Leia. Her full attention was pulled to the present when the General gently poked a stinging section of Rey’s face, and she vaguely recalled being backhanded across the face before landing up on the ground. She felt her own face and could make out a deep cut along her left cheekbone. The man had been wearing a wedding ring, and her gut twisted violently when she finally reached out with the Force to _feel,_ and the facts all fit together.

She would let that cut heal all by itself.

The man was shouting something incoherent past his swollen, split lips, and all participants were already sporting the beginnings of bruises and black eyes. General Leia was leading her away before she could do much else. Before Rey could as much as protest, Luke was by her side as well and escorting her along with Leia. They were mumbling consolation and assurances, but Rey couldn’t make much sense of their words. She was just so tired, and being pulled away from the melee had only served to push her further into the isolation within her mind.

The narrow-faced Senator blurred past her vision again as the Skywalker twins pulled her along, and he was joined by an equally arrogant Seroccan elder. They watched her pass with smug affirmation, then promptly blended with the background. Rey felt sick.

They lead her to her chambers, and Chewbacca arrived shortly after and offered to stand guard by her door. What for, Rey took longer than she should have to understand. When she did however, she hobbled to the refresher and promptly emptied her stomach into the toilet, slumping over it to grip the bowl, resting her forehead on her forearm. Nothing except bile came up, as it had been a long time since Rey had eaten at all.

How ironic that she be presented with a life wherein she can actually eat, yet her circumstance of running from place to place inflicted just shy the level of starvation Jakku had. This was only due to Rey’s own failure. She would forget to eat. She would forget to drink. She would intentionally forget to sleep.

She dry retched again, heaving nothing but air now.

She was so tired, and she just wanted this all to be over with.

When her stomach finally came to a rest, Rey stayed on the floor, clutching the metal toilet bowl and keeping her head pressed to her arm to try push away the pulsing pain pounding against her skull. It was the feeling of a heavy but hesitant hand on her shoulder that pulled her from the meaningless mess of her thoughts that echoed in the absences left. The hand moved across her shoulders, and a body pressed against her side as the arm wound around her. The person, the man, did not pull her close, but rather folded himself against her in support.

“I’m so sorry Rey,” Finn murmured from beside her, “I’m so sorry. I hope you and Ky- Ben come right. I hope you take him and vanish when you need to-“

His voice shook terribly, impassioned, and it caused more than a few tears to leak from under her eyelids.

“-and I hope these scum of people never get their hands on you. I hope they search for the rest of their miserable lives and never get the satisfaction of seeing you at their mercy. And I hope Ben will be right beside you, laughing all the way at their failure. You deserve that much.”

“Thank you, Finn,” she croaked out, mostly inaudibly but he seemed to understand, if the slight squeeze in his grip was anything to go by.

This was a turn Rey had not been expecting, but she was inordinately grateful for it.

“You don’t have a single thing to worry about, Sweets,” came Poe’s voice from the doorway, “we’ll take good care of you till you need to jet it. You just hang in there, alright?”

Rey nodded weakly, knowing she would certainly try.

For a week, Rey held fast. She continued to be plagued by nightmares and Force-induced terrors alike. The only way she could distinguish between the two nowadays was due to the presence of the aged man’s voice. It was constantly there in her terrors, whispering about her strength, and the endurance she was yet to have. It drove Rey mad.

She mainly kept to her quarters thanks to all the trouble the Senators were causing. Apparently they were throwing up a fuss about the fight, and it was to no one’s surprise. Leia had been right, they were insufferable… And dead set on ‘bringing all the First Order to justice.’ They had made it clear to Luke that the ‘traditions of old’ simply would not stand, and Kylo Ren would receive no ‘Jedi Trial.’ Rey was more certain than ever that they intended to simply execute him as a prisoner of war and save themselves the trouble of a post-war inquisition. She would not allow this. It didn’t help that they were zeroing in on her as a scapegoat too. Just because she had expected it didn’t mean Rey wanted to be _right._ There was no end to corruption and ambition, it seemed.

As much as she was desperate for him to come back to her, there was also a part of her that prayed he would just run, and find her afterwards. Rey knew that this was a whimsical idea. Ben would not abandon the mission he had given himself. He was far too prideful for that. All she could realistically hope for what that Ben would come to her with information worth enough to the Senators to _need_ him alive, at least for a little time.

In all truth, when it came down to the raw longing in her heart, all she wanted to do was hold him close again, but this time assured that he wouldn’t leave her side.

It broke her heart that Leia would never truly get ‘enough’ time with her son. It hurt her somewhat that she was leaving another whole existence behind, even if it too was not the best of lives. But-

“Rey?”

Maz Kanata poked her head into Rey’s room where she lay on her bed staring at the ceiling.

“You can come in, Maz.”

“Kind of you. I was going to either way.”

Rey huffed a tiny laugh, pulling herself up to sit, and Maz joined her.

“You are doing well?” the little woman asked with a kind smile, gathering Rey’s hands in her own wrinkled ones.

Rey smiled slightly, feeling her lips twitch.

“Ah,” Maz sighed, “Not so.”

“No.”

No she was not doing well. Finn and Poe were on a convoy to Naboo as part of an escort for yet another dignitary. Rem was with them. Myri’s funeral had been a rushed affair thanks to the pressure of reparations. Rey was not entirely coping.

Maz was silent with her, and Rey got the distinct impression that the woman was, in fact, reading her with aid of the Force. She couldn’t be sure, as she was adamantly refusing at this point to reach out at all. The absence in her consciousness taunted her beyond belief.

“Ben.”

Rey sighed heavily and nodded.

“He will call, child. He will.”

Rey could only hope. Maz stayed for a long time, and the two of them existed in comfortable silence. There was little that needed to be said between them. Maz knew Rey better than most, and she was nothing if not perceptive. The tensions of the past few days had ripped Rey down to her bare essence. It had established, though unspoken, that Rey and Ben would have to leave. There was little room for the unknown in a climate as shaky as what the post-war would bring.

Luke was confident that new Force-Users would be accepted, and the Senate, according to Leia at least, were willing to make provision so long as they were helped, and not honed. Rey and Ben would not fit into that demographic. They were weapons, simple as that. The Senate would be appeased with Sensitives learning how to control, and not aggress.

It made little sense to Rey, and she knew that they would soon find the problems with their logic, but that would not be her fight for much longer. The prospect of being free of it all…It was the only thing that kept her hopeful.

The sky was coal black by the time Maz had made her second cup of caffa, for both her and Rey. The first stars began to shine, and a steady, low hum settled over the base. Rey clutched the mug appreciatively, and continued to stare out to the night.

Then, so faint she nearly missed it, there was a faint pull on her inactive tether.

Rey’s fingers tightened around the mug, and her breath hitched in her throat. Did she dare? Did she…

Maz’s eyes snapped to her face.

The tug happened again, more forceful now, and Rey _knew,_ she just _knew-_

There was a smash when the mug fell from her fingers, and the consciousness she had craved for so long fled from her mind, the message given.

Maz held her stare, and nodded once, assuring her that all would be taken care of.

Rey sprang into action. She pulled her navy robes on in a blur, knowing that there was extra in the _Sparrow,_ grabbed her lightsaber, and ran. Rey ran past the guard at her door, and the corridor passed in a blur, the greyscale of night merging together into a muddle of gradients. Blank faces passed her, and she did not care.

The only face that stopped her in her tracks was that of Leia Organa, who caught her a few paces from the hangar where the Sparrow was docked.

Rey didn’t say a word. She didn’t need to. Leia caught her eyes and knew, just as Maz had. Whether it was the expression on Rey’s face, the tears in her eyes, or an affinity for the Force, Rey didn’t care.

Leia pulled her into a tight hug before yanking her to the hangar while looking back and forth for the vultures of the old Senate. Leia activated the ramp, Leia locked the hangar door, and Leia overrode the security codes, granting Rey free air.

Rey did not miss the tears in Leia’s eyes.

She meant to say _something_ before stepping on the ramp, but the mother before her raised a hand.

“Go.”

Rey didn’t need to be told twice.

She was in the atmosphere before her thoughts could catch up with her actions, and the clamouring over the comm gave her great amusement to hear how desperately the Senator’s overseer was trying to prevent her departure.

Rey laughed all the way into hyperspace, feeling free for the first time since she had returned to D’Qar. A promise lingered in her mind, and the memories recalled themselves on her skin. Rey’s heart, however, was tight with a mix of anxiety and anticipation.

Her navchart was set for Cato Neimoidia.


	65. Conviction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE LAST SNIPPET IS DOWN MY DARLINGS! MWAHAHAHAHAAAAA *hack*  
> and 10 more chapters to go!  
> Also, next chapter is gonna be from Ben's perspective ;D ificangetitrightgoshdarnit

**_Chapter 65: Conviction_ **

“What’ll it be, lady?” a surly voice startled Rey, causing her to spill the pazaak deck she was shuffling all over the glassy countertop.

Rey looked up at the Neimoidian server, “Two juma and two juri, thanks.”

The server squinted his seemingly blind eyes at her, “Bit much for a lady alone at this hour don’t you think?”

True, it was the early hours of the morning, and those hours were unsafe anywhere, never mind Cato Neimoidia.

She offered him a small smile, pulling the cards toward her, “I’m waiting for someone, don’t worry about me.”

He shrugged in response, “Just don’t want no incidents, girl. Had enough trouble with ‘em First Order convoys already, an’ don’t want to see some young thing get caught in their miserable works.” The server shuffled away after that, and Rey watched him leave, a wry smile on her lips.

Certainly. The bar was almost completely empty now, but that could change at any moment. For the time, the clientele consisted of only her and two Trandoshan. Trouble with the First Order indeed, she chuckled, the poor server had no idea…

Rey went back to aimlessly shuffling the deck Poe had given her so long ago, staring at the lights of the Neimoidian bridge cities, and speeders flying by. She was sitting in the same place she had been last time, except then it had been dusk, not early dawn, and she hadn’t been waiting for him that time.

Rey remembered it like it was yesterday, even though it felt like a lifetime ago. She had been scared and alone, fearful of her mission, and one that took her to the isolated worlds of the Outer Rim no less. She hadn’t enjoyed the trip much, and even found herself hating all the _green_ of those never-ending forests _._ But Master Luke had been right, as usual, and she had found useful holocrons in the pits of Dromund Kaas.

And more.

 She had just been so alone.

Who else would have found her sitting in a bar before her final jump, afraid and at her most vulnerable, but Kylo Ren? Ben Solo. Rey should have left when he sat down beside her, not let him deal her cards from the self-same deck she had been so nervously shuffling then as she was now.

Admittedly, he hadn’t really acted much like the Kylo Ren from their previous physical encounter, but more like the one who kept echoing across their infantile bond, and the safety of the illusions. There had been no malice and no intimidation, that is, until she started goading him once the shock had worn off. In hindsight, Rey was even _more_ shocked that he managed to hold his temper at all, and that neither emotions of anger were directed at her at all. She had hardly been tolerant, with Han’s death still raw in her mind even after those few months…

Rey shook her head, amazed that his feelings for her had run so deep so early on. The man who was now only Ben Solo to her had never wanted to hurt her, even when she practically spat in his face. Now, now it was she who would have to keep from breaking apart. Rey was both anticipating and dreading his arrival. He _needed_ to have information that would keep him useful. He _needed_ to come _home._ Rey would not let him go again.

The Neimoidian placed four cups on the countertop in front of her, and the Trandoshan pair had left.

She stared at the cups, still shuffling the cards.

 _“Two juma, two juri.”_ He had asked the server. “ _Every spacer needs their staple, I’m told juma and juri are available on all worlds. I guess, with the amount travelling I have no doubt you’ll have to do, you should probably find your favourite?”_

Rey smiled at the memory; he preferred the juma.

The hours leading up to her departure window that day had been surreal, to say the least. Even though her prickly demeanour gave nothing away at first, Rey was sure she had given everything away by the time they were standing on the landing platform, saying goodbye. She had left Cato Neimoidia grateful for his presence, and more than a little confused that he had done nothing to betray her presence to the First Order. Not only that, she had left Cato Neimoidia craving Ben Solo’s company.

Rey had thought General Leia mad whenever she voiced her longing for Ben to return, but after Cato Neimoidia, Rey had begun to think the General was not quite so misguided. Now, she knew it to be true. It seemed that ‘mother’s instinct’ honestly did have some truth to it. Whatever the Resistance troops may have said, General Leia never doubted that there was still light left in her son, and General Leia was no fool.

Rey wondered whether her own mother had worried over her at all as Leia did for her son. Did she ever think how Rey was? Did her thoughts ever-

No. No, there would be time later to think of that.

Rey huffed a small chuckle at the thought of the moments before she left D’Qar two days ago. Thankfully, Poe and Finn had been off on a convoy somewhere, so they did not get the chance to cross-question her this time around, but that was where her luck had run out.

The General had caught her in the hangar, knowing full well she had self-exiled herself to her chambers, and any activity in the corridors was odd. It had been a blessing that the once-Princess was so understanding. Rey had been tongue-tied, her heart blocking her throat. There was nothing in all the Galaxy that would have been good enough reason to slow her departure of the planet. Leia had understood her perfectly. Leia had stalled her overseers. Oh no, General Leia was no fool.

 _“Go.”_ Her swollen tone had said more than eloquent words ever could.

It had been a command, a surrender, and a plea, all in one.

A large shape moved into her vision, sending her heart racing, and the chair beside her creaked with someone’s weight. She probed, but the bond was still cold. This did not phase her so much, the sudden heat at her side belonged to a familiar presence, and her heart leapt with overwhelming joy. No longer was there any anxiety to be felt. Rey looked up into warm brown eyes and smiled, slowly nudging two of the glasses towards Ben Solo.

“Juma and juri, Solo.”

“And I suppose we’ll have to put our lightsabers on the counter too, then?”

She chuckled, shaking her head. He was so alive. He was _there._

Ben smiled fondly at her, amusement lighting up his eyes, and reached as if for the glass but instead took one of her hands in both of his. Ever so gently, there was a nudge at her consciousness, and his eyes softened as he watched her realise he had pulled the wall down again.

Rey bit her lip, fending off the sudden surge in her chest. Force she just wanted to grab his flight jacket and pull him against her, to feel him under her fingertips, in her hands, and be sure that he was really there.

“So I take it we’re ‘safe’?” she asked softly instead.

Ben tilted his head in response, “Not really, but I can’t handle the emptiness any longer.”

“You insisted,” she grumbled, “to keep us hidden.”

“I know,” he sounded almost guilty, “But I can’t go without you in some manner anymore.” Ben’s voice was low, almost a whisper.

Rey put the deck down and placed her hand over his clasped ones, “And here I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show up,” she said teasingly.

Ben turned his uppermost hand over, interlaced his fingers with hers, pulled that hand to his face and gently kissed the backs of her knuckles.

“I ran into some trouble with my transponder codes,” he eventually said against her fingers, “I would have been here sooner, but the dockmaster wasn’t so charmed by First Order vessels.”

“Can’t imagine why.” Her throat was dry. Rey had missed him terribly. There was no accounting for the sleepless nights she had spent hoping that Snoke wouldn’t see right through his bluffs.

Ben grinned at that, placing her hand back on his other one in order to pick up a drink. He eyed it and her with teasing suspicion before taking a sip.

“Juri.” His expressing made her giggle. “Your turn.”

He pushed one of her glasses towards her. Rey hesitantly took a sip, and her face involuntarily scrunched up at the sharp flavour. Ben laughed, letting go of her hands and picking up the pazaak deck, shuffling it much like he had before.

When Rey regained her composure, she threw him an accusing glare, “You nerf herder, you _knew_ that one was juri.”

Ben’s grin only widened as he dealt out side-decks for them both, the faintest of early morning light dusting his features. The sun had not yet broken the horizon.

His smile would be the end of her, Rey was sure of it.

And she still had to tell him what she had been too cowardly to say on Nar Shaddaa.

Rey pushed the juri aside, reaching for the juma instead, and took a nervous drink. Ben simply watched her, a look in his eyes she couldn’t quite figure out.

“Rey,” he spoke eventually, “On Nar Shaddaa, I- I didn’t-” he paused, seemingly struggling for words, and Rey felt sick at what he might say next.

Ben took a sip of his own juma.

“I honestly don’t know what to do next. I know what I _should_ do, but duty and desire tend to war- I-I need help.”

Rey was expecting him to say many things, but that was not one of them.

He picked up his cards, and turned over one from the main deck for his side. It was a nine.

Ben was wrestling with his thoughts, this was obvious to Rey, and it made her uneasy as to what happened with Snoke. Rey knew she could delve into his mind at any time and simply _see_ what had Ben so anxious, but that was not something she was prepared to do today.

As she turned over a card for herself, she dared a glance at his Force signature. The sight was a wonder for her. Ben Solo was split, dark and light, and Rey was inclined to admit that she too looked a lot like that of late. Her card was an eight. Ben turned another over from the pool, another nine, and played a plus one to stand at nineteen. His expression was still stormy and uncertain.

Rey put down the glass and reached over to cup his cheek, running her thumb along the scar she had given him. Ben leaned into her touch, and Rey moved her thumb further to brush his lips. Slowly, his expression calmed. Force, she had missed this man. It was taking too much of her already dubious control to keep herself at this distance. Rey turned over another card with her free hand, and the ten pushed her to eighteen. With no side cards to help her equal twenty, she risked another pool, and went bust on twenty four; no negatives in her side. Ben managed a smirk, but Rey could see he was still tightly strung, and it made her heart twist. No, she thought, they needed to get out of this bar.

He let her pull back, and she tucked away the deck into her tunic, putting credits on the table for the drinks. Ben looked at her questioningly, and Rey took his hands in hers, pulling him to his feet. The sun hadn’t come up yet.

“Where are we going?” He asked her as she led him out the oversized walkway doors, still tightly holding one of his hands in hers.

“My dock. Remember what you said last time you walked me there?” Rey looked back at him, her eyebrows raised.

Ben nodded, squeezing her hand, “Never miss a sunset.”

“I hear the same holds true for the sunrise.”

Ben didn’t have time to respond before she dragged him up a ramp. There were very few citizens on the walkways at this time of morning, and Rey started to run.

“I see you still have the _Sparrow_ ,” he said as they finally stepped onto the platform, slightly out of breath from the sprint up the long, steep path, but smiling widely at her.

“Wouldn’t trade her for the world,” Rey beamed at him, also somewhat winded, and glad to see his mood slightly lighter, “Too many memories.”

His smile vanished, and it caused her elated heart to sink. His sombreness didn’t promise positive tidings.

“Rey.”

She walked over to the back of the circular platform and stood on the edge, leaving Ben standing by the _Sparrow,_ and ignored the pain in her chest his sudden solemnity caused. Rey hadn’t forgotten what she needed to tell him, but now she was wondering if she should. She was scared. Rey felt his hands on her shoulders, tugging her against his chest. Ben ran his hands down her arms, and she clenched her hands with his when he curled his fingers in between hers. He gripped her tight, crossing his and her arms so that he could hug her to himself, and rested his chin on her shoulder. Even through her trepidation, Rey could not deny his arms were her refuge.

Ever so slowly, the sky was painted with pinks and oranges as the sun peeked over the horizon. They stood motionless, wrapped in each other, and they watched till the sun was a brilliant disk just kissing the vista of Cato Neimoidia’s jewel cloud ocean.

“I should never have left you on Nar Shaddaa,” Ben said against her neck, his voice cracked with insecurity.

Rey’s breath came short at the sudden admission.

She felt him take a deep breath before he turned her around to face him, and her heart broke at his torn countenance.

“I haven’t met with Snoke,” he said, his tone frank and all business.

Rey was flooded with a relief she didn’t even know she was waiting for.

“Ben-“ He placed he thumb over her lips, holding her face in his hand, the other on her hip.

Shaking his head, and not meeting her eyes he continued, “I haven’t met with Snoke but, as I set out to do, I’ve gotten close enough to know exactly where he is, and sense the new Force-sensitive neophytes he has surrounding him. I need you to go back to my mother and give her this information.”

Rey pushed his thumb off her lips, shocked at the news of Snoke’s fledglings, but more concerned about the grim look on Ben’s face.

“And you?” Rey asked, her voice quivering with barely reigned-in fury. No matter how hard she tried, he would not look at her.

“I need to keep him busy till the Resistance’s best can make star dust of that planet. I need to make sure he’s there when they come, and _keep_ him there to die.”

Rey was struck cold, her mouth slightly agape and her eyes unseeing. No. _No_ , this was not what was meant to happen.

Ben continued to speak, “That’s what I should do, what I _need_ to do. It’s the only thing that will help with some of what I’ve done.”

Rey hadn’t noticed she was shaking her head till Ben held her still, one hand still at the base of her head and the other at the nape of her spine, and he finally looked into her eyes. She managed to focus on him through the terrified haze that was her thoughts. His eyes were glassy, but imploring. Help. He needed help. Rey gripped his arms, rapidly shaking her head back and forth again in small, disbelieving movements.

“I hated leaving you on Nar Shaddaa. I wanted to run back. I wanted to s _tay,_ I wanted to go back with you no matter what waited for me but I-“

“ _Don’t.”_ Rey found her voice past the stones that felt like they were lodged in her throat. “Don’t you _dare_ say you can’t, Ben. Don’t you _dare_.” Her voice was hoarse.

“Rey, I have _nothing_ else to offer them. I have _nothing_ else to contribute to the Resistance. There is _nothing else_ I could ever conjure up for my mother to _help_ her when I’ve let her down at every turn thus far.” His voice was broken, and a single wet track glistening on his cheek.

Rey was struggling to breathe. What he said made sense from his view, but Rey could not accept it. Was this why the Jedi originally forbade love?

“He’s expecting me, Rey. I have to go. If I don’t, then he will undoubtedly realise my betrayal, and we may lose our _only_ chance at crippling him and his new soldiers _before_ they become any stronger!”

She didn’t care.

“This is all I can offer.” Ben was beseeching her to understand, or begging her for something else. Rey just couldn’t.

“Offer your _skill_ , offer your _blade,_ and offer your _knowledge,_ or fracking offer yourself as a wasted space in a cell, Ben!” As much as Rey was trying to control herself, equally was she losing her grip on the calm Master Luke had tried to teach her. She was becoming inconsolable. Ben made to speak but couldn’t, and Rey continued; her voice petering out, “Your mother only wants _you,_ even for the tiny span of time wherein she’ll have you _._ Preferably _alive.”_ He flinched.

Her vision grew clouded. For the first time since the last illusion, Rey was crying in front of Ben. He hurriedly swept his fingers across her cheek to brush the offending water away. He was too close. Rey didn’t know what to do.

“And what about _me?”_ She meant to scream, but it came out a breathless whisper. He was far too close. Rey pulled herself free of his grasp, and took a step aside, still short of breath.

Ben reached for her, but she only moved slightly farther away. “What if _I_ need _you?_ How does that work if you’re _gone?_ ”

“Rey, please-“ He was begging, for what she didn’t stop to find out. The barrier she had always relied on to keep herself together was broken now.

“Please what? ‘Please let me go to my death?’” He stepped closer to her as she spoke, his expression still warring. “I _love_ you, Ben, and I can’t do that.”

The words were out before Rey had even thought them, and she could only stare Ben down in their wake.

He gaped at her in stunned incomprehension.

“…What?” He finally choked out, obviously staggered.

Rey swallowed hard, lowering the ramp of her ship. The only sound to be heard was the hiss of the pistons.

She didn’t speak again until the ramp was on the floor, eventually regaining a semblance of composure barring the tears that still spilled silently over her cheeks.

Ben was still immobile, staring at her in what could almost be described as wonder

When Rey ultimately found her words, her voice was quiet, and she wondered if Ben could even hear her. “I realised on Nar Shaddaa, and I wanted to tell you but I- well…” Rey trailed off, her shoulders sagging in defeat. “It doesn’t matter, does it?”

Ben’s eyes widened, and he clenched his hands into fists at his sides.

Rey stepped onto the ramp and raked her hand over her face, trying to erase all evidence of her traitorous want, but not quite stemming the flow.

“You will do what you think is right, Ben.” She could not hide the quiver in her words, hugging her arms around her body. “You can go to Snoke with the hopes that you can stall him long enough, or you can come to D’Qar and fight with us, free of _him_. Then you and I can leave, do what we planned, and do whatever we want. Never see each other again if you so desire.” Rey brushed the last of her tears away. “It’s your choice, Ben. It always has been.”

Rey had made hers long ago.

Ben Solo stood in silence, rooted to the spot.

Rey smiled weakly and nodded, turning to walk up the ramp and trying desperately to not let herself shatter any further. He was going to go, stubborn to the end.

As she reached the threshold a lance of pure, raw panic shot through her head, and she traced its origin to the presence tethered to her mind. Reeling from the abrupt intrusion, Rey was blocked from the world around her. When the noise ebbed, and her senses cleared, she found herself swathed in warmth, with a welcome pressure gripping her tight. The body pressed against hers was shaking, and the consciousness that danced with hers was chaotic and frenzied. His forehead had fallen on her shoulder, and his soft cries of her name came with each ragged breath he took.

Ben was weeping.

Rey wound her fingers into his hair and gently soothed his shoulders with her free hand. She didn’t dare to think for fear she might hope and instead merely absorbed the glittering view of the Neimoidian morning, holding the fractured man fast and allowing him time to find his peace.

Rey allowed herself only one indulgence in this moment, and that was to remember the feeling of his embrace.

Gradually his breathing calmed, and his trembling eased.

“I’m scared, Rey. I’m terrified,” he murmured, leaning back to look into her eyes.

“Me too, Ben.” Rey squeezed his shoulder, deciding honesty was the only route today. “I need to be selfish. I’d rather we lost Snoke this time than lose you today. There will be other opportunities. If we can outrun the Resistance and First Order, we can outrun him.”

Ben placed his forehead on hers, not looking away. “Luke won’t be too charmed to hear that.”

“Luke will be too distracted by his nephew being back to worry about his wayward student. Besides, they’re all on our side, Ben. They know.”

“Rey-“ His face was still uncertain, and pained. He did not, however, look surprised at her words. Perhaps that was merely the shock.

“ _Please,_ Ben. _Please._ ” Please stay, please come with.

 _Please don’t leave me._ She called out to everyone and no one.

Ben’s demeanour cleared, and his face set.

All too swiftly, Rey found herself being hauled into the _Sparrow,_ and she could only stare wide-eyed at Ben’s back as he led her speedily to the cockpit, the sounds of the ramp closing behind her.

“Ben!” She squeaked when he sat her down in the co-pilot’s chair and fired up the ship.

His retort was terse, “Rey, please just set a course for D’Qar and let me get us into hyperspace while I still have the nerve to do this.”

Rey did as he said, then punched in the clearance codes when the prompt appeared. When approval came through, she sat back and watched him prime the ship. His hands were shaking, and his face was tensely drawn.

It wasn’t long before the cockpit was bathed in the eerie blue hue of hyperspace, and Ben slumped back into the chair, his head in his hands. He was still shaky. Rey leaned forward and pressed a hand against the nape of his neck, massaging him there with her fingers. Rey was not oblivious to just how potentially dangerous of a decision he had made, that they had both made. The proverbial rathtars were waiting for them on D’Qar.

“What do I even _say?_ How do I even say it?” His hands fell to his lap, and he looked at her.

Rey gave a small shrug, “It’s not something you can plan, Ben. We’ll just have to see. But I promise,” She stood up, holding his head in both her hands, “I’ll be there defending you. It’s my turn to keep you safe-“ Rey felt victory at the smile that caused. “-And like I said, they know. Luke, Leia, Chewie. You know the rest, they _know._ And they want you back. They support our plan to leave, too.”

Ben was shaking his head in stunned disbelief, and Rey could feel the waves of intense reverence and joy roll from him.

She felt Ben’s hands on her waist, and before she could properly comprehend what he was doing, he had pulled her down onto his lap; legs resting either side of his.

That look of wonder was softening his features again. “Do you even know what you’ve done to me?” he asked, leaning up till his face was mere breaths from hers.

Ben paused, but didn’t wait for an answer before kissing her roughly, pulling her closer against him. Rey felt release and bliss. This was what she had needed to do in the bar. She wanted him, and for once there was hope that she wouldn’t have to hide that anymore.

It was a many-hour trip back to D’Qar, and as Ben nipped lightly at her lips, Rey stopped herself just short of tearing his jacket to get it off.


	66. Whole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YES I KNOW IT’S ALMOST A WEEK LATE I KNOOOW  
> all aboard the sin-train cuz we're ridin' it all the way through the 9 circles of shipper hell choo choo  
> Enjoy! <3

**_Chapter 66: Whole_ **

Ben was holding a storm in his arms, and he was more than willing to let it whisk him away. Rey was everywhere. Her lips danced on his face, her legs hugged his hips, and her hands were flying over his body, pulling clothes loose where they could. Ben was not sitting idly by, his hands exploring her of their own volition, but it was a rather difficult thing to direct a hurricane.

His jacket hit the floor, and his shirt followed. Ben turned his head to catch Rey’s lips, and shivered when she moaned, running her fingers down his bare chest, over his stomach. Sweet Force he had missed her so much. What insanity had gripped him to want to forge forward with pursuing Snoke? Ben would easily exist like this.

“Help me-“ Rey grumbled against his lips, gripping his undone belt tight and giving it a rough tug, “-Get this off!”

With ease, Ben crossed his arms under her, and lifted Rey up, kicking off his boots and pants. Rey snorted with indelicate mirth when his lightsaber clattered to the metal floor and bounced to join the discarded cloth. Ben smirked up at her before letting her drop back onto his now naked self.

“I think,” he said with a broad smile, eyes caught by hers, “that this is entirely unfair.”

“Oh?” Rey lofted a brow and tensed her knees around his hips, her fingertips teasing the skin of his stomach just below his navel.

He nodded, slipping her belt from her waist and letting the weight of her saber drag it to the floor, and roll towards the console, chuckling when the hilt clanked to a stop.

“Far too many clothes.”

Rey giggled, and batted his hands away to take her wrap off by herself, throwing it behind her with an unnecessary flourish that had Ben grinning from ear to ear. Again he reached for her, and again she swatted his eager fingers, but this time Rey took his hands in hers and settled them on her hips. Rey pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead before leaning back and throwing him a wicked grin.

“See?” she snickered, gesturing to her body, “Got myself those standard underclothes.”

Ben rolled his eyes and made to answer, but was momentarily thrown by the sight of her, bathed in the blue light of hyperspace and fixing him with a heavily loaded gaze that was in such stark contrast to the unsure pain from earlier. How could he have allowed himself to be blinded so easily by vengeance and other foolishness? He had promised her he would not leave her again, and yet he had been so ready to… Force-

And she loved him.

Rey loved him.

It was enough to make him laugh aloud in utter amazement.

“Laughing at me there Bennie?” Rey asked in mock offense.

He shook his head, still chuckling, “You love me.”

It was impossible, unimaginable.

“I do,” she said slowly, a smile making its way over her face once more. It was as if a weight was lifting from her shoulders at the continued admittance, and Ben wondered if, by some miracle, she had been mulling over such feelings for as long as he had.

It was his only salvation.

“You love me,” his tone was incredulous, even to himself.

 “I love you, Ben-“

He cut her giggled words off with a fervent kiss, tugging her flush against his chest. Ben was lost to her as they laughed into each other’s mouths, only vaguely aware of the brief separation it took for Rey to whip her brassiere off and fling it away with as much panache as she had her wrap, causing Ben to chuckle harder. Likewise, his hands freed her from her leggings, but he was not conscious of the actions, being as focused on her lips as he was.

Ben thanked everything he could think of in his scattered state that he had been unable to withstand her absence much longer. He was so thankful that he had crumbled on Mygeeto. He was so thankful he had caved in on Nar Shaddaa. He was _so thankful_ he had given up and called her to Cato Neimoidia. Had he waited longer…

Oh Force.

He couldn’t think any further. She was moving in his lap, her hands on his shoulders to pin him down. Every time he tried to move, Rey would press him back down and trap him more firmly.

“Uh-uh,” she breathed next to his ear, her chest fluttering with her urgent pants for air, “My turn, Ben.”

If Ben couldn’t think before, those few words shorted out his brain completely, and his head spun as he struggled to breathe past his heart lodged where it shouldn’t be. Rey latched her mouth to the column of his throat once more and hummed, rolling her hips against him. Ben couldn’t keep his head up any longer. He soon found himself facing the overhead control panel, heat consuming him from where Rey was rocking her hips, out to the tips of his fingers. He was absolutely defenceless. Everything she was doing was causing his blood to boil in his veins. Ben was running his hands over her mindlessly, just relishing the feel of her under his fingers, against his chest, in his lap. She braced her hands on his shoulders, pushing herself up and off him, capturing his lips in another messy kiss. Ben whined that the loss of contact, aching where she had left him and unable to buck up into her due to the way she had pinned him with her own legs. Rey laughed through their kiss, squirming under his hands that tried their best to guide her back into his lap. She would not relent, and Ben was burning up where he sat.

“ _Tease,”_ he choked out, welcoming her tongue into his mouth when she seized the opportunity.

Rey broke from him only to hiss, “Taste of your own medicine,” before pressing herself to Ben again.

She kissed him hard, tangling her fingers in his hair and moaning when Ben decided to run his fingers down the backs of her legs, kneading her supple flesh on the way, and settling his hands in the crook of her knees. Ben slid down slightly in the seat to brace his feet on the locked console and better cradle her on his body. One of her hands slipped from their hold, but only to hit the chair latch that set it into a tiny recline before grabbing hold of him again and kissing him as deeply as she could. The edge of want in her movements, her voice, her very signature, thrilled him deeply. Over and over in his head ran the thoughts that Rey Kenobi loved him, and Rey Kenobi wanted him.

Him. Ben Solo.

Oh Force he loved her, he loved her-

He stuttered out a loud cry when Rey finally settled herself back onto his hips, taking him in a slowly as he had taken her on Nar Shaddaa. Rey wasn’t kissing him anymore, her mouth was just resting on his, and she was _laughing._ Ben wrapped his arms tightly around her, keeping her still in his embrace, and breathed a chuckle of his own while he waited for the consoles around him to stop spinning. He crooked his knees to tip her closer, and the movement made her gasp audibly, pushing with her hands on his chest to sit back. With great effort, Ben lifted his head from its resting place on the chair and met Rey’s giddy gawk. She had an impossibly ecstatic grin plastered on her face, and Ben was certain he looked no different.

Ben’s chest clenched as he let his gaze flit over her face, placing one of his hands over hers where they were braced on his chest, and letting the other trace meandering patterns on her back. Her eyes fluttered closed and she shivered in delight, her skin radiant with flushed pleasure.

Rey was beautiful.

Ben traced her fingers, then her arms, and then stretched to brush his thumb over the new scar that ran on her cheekbone. With careful fingers, he untied the braid that kept her long, gorgeous hair in check, shaking it loose in chocolate waves around her shoulders and down her back. Gradually, he drifted his fingers down her throat and over her collarbone, gently brushing the backs of his fingers over her breast.  He could see her breathing accelerate, and a tiny whimper escaped her lips when Ben slowly rocked his hips just once. He himself was left struggling to swallow his own moan, utterly entranced by the woman who had taken him for everything he was, and everything he could be.

He was left gliding his fingertips over all the new scars he had not seen before that decorated her body while she trembled under his touch, her eyes still shut. The silver and pink marks adorned her tanned skin as jewellery. They did nothing to diminish her beauty. They attested her strength, her fortitude, and her solid will.

She was so beautiful.

He didn’t even bother to suppress the deep moan that wracked his body when Rey pressed down on his chest and slowly rolled her hips into his. She didn’t lift up, she only moved herself against him, languidly circling and rocking. Rey was making a mess of him. A shaking, jittering, moaning mess. Her breathing was punctuated with gasps and whines, sending deep tremors through his limbs. Still, she kept him pinned, and still he could not tear his eyes from her ecstasy-drawn face. Ben was gripping her hip hard with one hand, while the other made its way back up her body to cup her head. Rey relented a bit then, moving one tiny hand from his chest to hold his against her cheek. His hand on her hip moved with her as she surged against him, and her kiss-swollen lips hung open in a slack ‘Oh’, head tilting on a sagging neck. Her hold on his hand was a death grip, and Ben would have it no other way.

His breathing was ragged, and his heart beat wildly against his chest. Sweat was beading in between Rey’s breasts and on Ben’s chest with the sheer heat that was consuming them both, and steadily pooling in Ben’s gut. Ben was coming undone far quicker than he would have liked. He would have that this lasted for an age all on its own.

Rey had stopped forcing him to just receive, and the hand that had been left on his chest was now on his shoulder, crooked at the elbow. Her head was lolled back, and her desirous moans were uninhibited. The remanence of her grin was still tweaking her features. To Ben, it was a glorious sight. With this new freedom, Ben moved his hips with hers, and Rey cried out, tightening her knees around him and clenching the hand she held. Ben seized that moment to tug her close, and moved with her in urgency.

Her head was tucked in the crook of his neck, and she was gasping muffled words against his skin.

With concentration, he could make out his name. With far more effort than he ever thought he could muster, he heard whisper the words ‘I love you.’

It pushed him right to the edge, but he denied himself the fall.

Instead, Ben pulled her mouth to his and kissed her deeply, sucking and nipping her lips. Their teeth clashed when Rey adjusted herself on his lap, and he refused to break the kiss. It didn’t matter, it wasn’t much a kiss any longer as it was them speaking with locked lips. Rey was gripping his shoulders with all of her strength, bucking her hips with his, peppering his mouth with moan-pierced sighs. Ben’s mind had long since left him, and his will was following suit. He was coming undone, he was breaking, and he was gasping with impunity into her caressing lips while he was burned alive.

Ben crushed her to his chest and buried his face into her shoulder as the fire scorched his every nerve, and his hips moved sporadically with hers while completion swept the limited air from his lungs. He did not stop moving till her nails dug into his shoulder and he felt her shudder around him, sighing out a long, sweet moan of bliss.

They collapsed into the backrest in a tangled slump of cooling sweat and ragged breaths that were perforated with audible gasps. Ben kept his face against her neck, nuzzling her gently till the both caught their breath.

He hadn’t realised he was speaking till the sound of his whispers became louder than the sound of his heartbeat in his ears.

“I love you Rey, oh Force, I love you. I love-“

She had a hand knotted in his hair, and was massaging his head whilst cradling it in the crook of her neck. Ben could feel that Rey was smiling. No, she was positively glowing. Ben pried his face from the soft safety of her skin and leant back against the chair’s backrest to take her in again. He was right, she was smiling. She was smiling like she’d just found the brightest gem in all the Galaxy, when in fact it was he who was holding the treasure.

The bright blue of hyperspace lit her from the back, and the faint red of the kyber crystal that still hung around his neck glinted in her eyes. Rey was still flushed, if not more now from their lovemaking than before, and her hair was tousled. Ben couldn’t resist reaching his hands to brush her cheeks with his knuckles. This remarkable woman, his childhood friend, and now so much more…

The more he stared at her, the more enamoured he became, if that were even possible. Rey was a being of such pure energy, he never stood a chance. He was a moth to the flame, and her Force Signature burned bright. So bright, despite the immense grey therein, shot with flashed of the Light and the Dark. He envied her the balance. Perhaps, with that kind of surety, he would be able to throw Snoke’s influence completely.

Rey cupped his face in her hands, stroking his scar with butterfly fingers that sent shocks right through him.

“What is it, Ben?” she asked breathlessly, her grin still playing on the corners of her lips.

Sweet Force but that smile…

Ben felt his eyes prick and shook his head slowly, not looking away from her. He was somewhat unable to, entranced as he was. The lump was back in his throat, and the corners of his eyes started to burn with insistence.

“You, sweetheart. You. Do you even realise how beautiful you are? How precious to me?” Ben uttered, swallowing the sudden swell he was experiencing.

Rey took his hands and kissed his fingers before leaning forward to curl against his chest, but her expression indicated she knew he was withholding.

“I hope you’ll recognise the same of yourself, Ben.”

His eyes widened at her words, and he felt her stretch to rummage for something behind the chair. A thick blanket. Wordlessly, he took it from her and draped it over their intertwined bodies, pulling her as close to his chest as he could. She was his anchor, and he prayed he’d be able to keep her safe. He couldn’t bear the thought of life without her, no matter how it played out.

“Thank you,” came her small voice.

“Hmm?”

“For choosing to come with, for keeping your promise.”

Ben was dead sure she’d be able to hear how his heart was racing in his chest, “And thank you, Rey,” his voice was thick, and he was clutching her with fervour, “I knew you’d help me. I- I’m so sorry for wanting to carry on. I’m so sorry, I-“

He gulped, and Rey took that opportunity to sit back again and fix him with a compassionate look, hands resting either side of his neck, and playing with his hair.

“-I let my anger guide me again,” he breathed, unable to meet her eyes once he looked away in shame, “My fear, my worries. My confusion-“

“Ben,” Rey whispered, sensing the unrest and need that lay behind his words.

“I just…Your Force Signature…Your resilience. How do you do it, Rey? How do you maintain that balance?” he asked after a few beats, knowing full well she could sense his disquiet.

Rey relaxed instantaneously in his arms.

“I don’t know. It’s something of an instinct, and a decision.”

“I want that, Rey. I don’t want to be Snoke’s toy anymore. I don’t want to give him a single reason to want me. I-“ his voice shook, and he took a deep breath, finally meeting her eyes again, “-I’m torn, I always have been. I’ve always been searching for peace and control, and it’s been so long that I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be looking for anymore-“

His voice cracked then, and he couldn’t bring himself to continue. Rey dug her fingertips into his shoulders and kneaded the muscles there, silently waiting for him to speak. It took several moments for Ben to gather himself enough to clear his throat.

“-Will you help me?” he finally choked out, searching Rey’s eyes with a look he could only account for as being imploring.

Rey responded by leaning in and kissing him deeply, nodding as she did.

Ben let himself get utterly lost in the feeling of her mouth slanted and moving against his, and her hands moving from his shoulders, to his head, and back. Rey chased away the immediate anxiety that clutched his heart, and pulled his mind into hers, shocking him with the picture she had there.

His Force Signature, from her point of view. It was still incredibly torn, but to his complete astonishment, there was a substantial amount of grey.

Their kiss had slowed to mere pecks and presses while Ben had been bewildered by the image, and his eyes fluttered open to be met with Rey’s bright grin.

“Not so torn after all, Ben,” she said, “Like I said, instinct and decision. Passion, but peace. I made the conscious decision to learn from both you, and Luke. But I followed my instinct to use both. You’re drawn to the Light, Ben. Don’t fight it. Just find the life that feeds you, not drains you.”

Was it truly so simple? Everything else had been so complicated…Perhaps…

“You,” he found himself saying, and he knew immediately after he said it what he meant.

Rey’s eyebrows shot into her hairline.

“I want a life with you,” he said slowly, “Certainly, I want Snoke dead, but if that’s not an immediate possibility then it can wait. We can run, we can fight, and I don’t care just so long as it’s with you. I don’t want to leave you again…”

The woman in his arms was quiet, but Ben could feel the tumultuous ruckus that was working its way through her. Countless emotions flashed over her face, and eventually she settled on one of pure joy, not unlike the bliss she had displayed before.

“But you’ll still guide me, right?” he asked softly, “I’ll be needing a teacher, it’s been a long time since I’ve pursued the Light within myself, or anything like it.”

Rey laughed and kissed his cheek before snuggling into his welcoming arms. Ben crooked his knees a little more to curl her up against him, and sighed in satisfaction when he felt her nod emphatically against his neck.

He almost missed her tiny whisper of ‘I want you, too’.

Ben’s heart was constricting in his chest, and he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. He’d never had to deal with anything like this before. Rey had brought a lot of firsts for him, and affection was one of them.

“One more request, if I may?” he asked tentatively.

“My, my,” Rey giggled, and Ben smiled broadly at the sound, “Needy, aren’t we?”

“You have no one but yourself to blame, it’s all your fault,” he teased, rubbing her back when she huffed in response, but all of his bravado was gone when he spoke again, sincerity in its place, “But please, lie with me? Don’t go running off to the ‘fresher or anything…I really just want to enjoy this-“ he squeezed his arms around her, “-considering I’m not falling asleep anytime soon.”

Force, he never wanted this to end, never mind ‘anytime soon’. He’d stay awake for days if it meant he could just lie with her tucked against his chest with the comfortable, warm hum of intimacy coursing through him.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere,” she answered softly, sending a thrill through his body, “We have plenty of time, and I intend to spend it making up for the separation, and creating incentive for after all this.”

Ben swallowed against the sudden dryness in his mouth, abruptly very aware once more of the state they both were in. Naked, wrapped in each other and a blanket, basking in the afterglow, and _hopeful_. Fracking _happy._

His heart was soaring, and it was something he was entirely unfamiliar with.


	67. Bliss

**_Chapter 67: Bliss_ **

They had stayed up for hours, wrapped up in each other on the pilot’s seat and watching the Galaxy warp past. Thoughts of the upcoming storm didn’t bother either of them while Ben’s hands roamed over Rey’s body, and his lips ghosted her skin between breathed conversations. Rey was the happiest she had ever been, and there was very little that could top the sensation of contentment that sunk deep into her bones. She wasn’t sure when she had fallen asleep, but slipping under had been with a warm hum in her limbs, and a smile on her face.

Rey woke up with her body still boneless in comfort. Only, as she shifted in the chair, she realised that there was no longer a heated body beneath her. She pried her eyes open and jostled her arms to find that she was thoroughly swaddled and tucked in the thick blanket.

Oh Ben, she snickered to herself and clutched the blanket close.

Rey found, however, that if she lay perfectly still then she could still feel the memory of his arms around her. A quick peek at the floor told her that wherever Ben had gone, he was only wearing his trousers, as the rest of his apparel- including his undergarments, she noted with a faint blush- was still strewn about the floor panels. His lightsaber was where it had rolled to last night. Rey would have loved to drift back off to sleep, still more than comfortable where she was, but she supposed Ben was looking for something to eat. A tiny twinge of guilt flicked through Rey when she realised she had been out for a solid four hours. It had been gloriously dreamless, and she hoped Ben had been afforded similar peace. With a little sigh, Rey pulled herself upright and left the cocoon of the blanket. The cold air of the cockpit raised gooseflesh on Rey’s naked skin, but she hesitated with a sly smirk on her face.

Coming to a decision, Rey pulled on her standard boy-shorts underwear, then plucked Ben’s rough-spun, white shirt off the floor and tugged it over her head. The hem hung almost halfway down her thigh, and the material was thick enough to not be see-through, but it was worn to a softness that clung to her and didn’t leave much to the imagination, despite its size. Perfect, Rey chuckled to herself, and made to leave the cockpit till she saw Ben’s jacket. Or rather, something poking out the pocket of Ben’s jacket. Typically, she would not think much of a tiny scrap of paper. But Rey recognised this little piece of paper, and as she held the weighty leather in her hands and thumbed out the little page, she knew she would be able to spot it anywhere.

The photograph. It was the photograph of them.

Rey chewed her lip for a short while, maintaining ignorance of the pricking at her eyes.

Did he carry this with him everywhere? Did he have it when he found her on Takodana? Did he have it on Starkiller? Did he have it wherever he was when the illusions began? Force…

Rey quickly clipped it to the overhead, and it joined the only other item of personalisation in the cockpit; a tiny Wookiee beaded string, for good luck as Chewie said.

With one last swallow, Rey padded slowly down the short corridor to the main hold with her tousled hair falling to its full length down her back. When last had she actually left it loose? There had never really been a time for it.

But now, she could pretend a little, and many things were different weren’t they? Ben loved her, and Rey loved him. They both knew it now, too. Already, there was no going back from that. Not to mention that Ben was coming back to D’Qar with her-

Rey stopped dead in her tracks in the doorway of the hold, the thought hitting her hard as the reality sank in.

Ben Solo was coming home with her. He was _actually_ on her ship, with no intention to disappear. He was a _ctually_ going to face the remainder of his family, and the entirety of the Resistance. He made it clear he wasn’t going to leave her again.

Rey’s eyes alighted at the sight before her.

The man in question was also very busy in front of the _Sparrow’s_ kitchenette, and humming softly to himself. Rey cupped a hand over her mouth and could clearly feel the impossible grin there. Was it typical for something like this to bring tears to a person’s eyes, or was she just being irrational? Ah frack it, Rey thought, what she was looking at was downright gorgeous, and for the life of it she could not get enough of the _smell_ that was coming from…Whatever it was he had going on. Rey could identify caffa, and something meaty. Then something sweet.

Either he was simply waiting for Rey to walk up to him, or he was far too engrossed in his task to notice her. Rey had to admit, it took her a while to regain her senses enough to consciously take steps forwards. There was no denying that the way Ben’s muscles flexed in his back as he worked was a tantalising sight, if not mesmerising.

She remembered full well what those twitches and stretches felt like under her fingers. Rey was behind him before she knew it, the thoughts that had preoccupied her mind taking her there while her cheeks burned. Still, Ben flipped a pan here and threw in an ingredient there, humming slightly louder to himself, and seemingly completely oblivious to her.

He could hold a tune quite well, Rey smiled to herself before lightly placing her hands on his bare hips and her forehead between his shoulders, relishing the sudden intake of breathe Ben took.

“Give you a fright, Bennie?” Rey chuckled, smoothing her hands up his sides and over his chest to hold him closer, moving her face to press her cheek against his back.

Ben laughed with her and clasped one of her hands with his free one before moving a steaming pan off the heat, “I was a bit engaged here, making breakfast. At least this time you actually possessed edible ingredients.”

He would never cease to amaze her. _Making breakfast?_ Making a lightsaber? Sure. Making a drink? Basic skill. Making _breakfast?_ Especially one that smelt like this…

“Well you must have special favours with the Force, Solo,” Rey squeezed him, “Because I was unaware of any such thing.”

Ben gestured to a little sticky-note on the overhead compartments. It was bright green.

“My mother and Maz Kanata send their regards, and, uh, _subtle_ wishes for you to not come home alone.”

Rey groaned, hearing the grin in his voice. How had she not seen something that garishly bright?

“Too preoccupied with dragging my sorry backside back home, I guess,” Ben smirked, having heard her thoughts quite loudly.

“Mmm,” Rey hummed, pressing a kiss to his shoulder and smiling at the shudder that caused, “Far too preoccupied.”

He huffed when she trailed her hands back down, spinning to pick her up and promptly set her down on the small countertop nearby. Rey did not miss the momentary shock in his eyes at seeing her in his shirt, and she grinned at him with the most virtuous simper she could muster. Ben visibly took a measured breath before leaning in, hands on her knees, and pressing his open mouth on hers with a small moan. Rey’s hands were in his hair almost immediately, dragging him closer, and her heart beating wildly against her chest. Ben was readily responding to her, capturing first her top lip between his, then her bottom one, and nibbling and sucking as he went. He kept his hands on her knees, and Rey soon learnt that it was to prevent her from encircling her legs around him.

Just before she could whine in protest, a timer went off in the background, and the kettle was protesting rather loudly. Ben pried himself from her clutches and moved to power down the kitchenette with a glowing smirk. His cheeks and ears were dusted pink, as were the tips of his shoulders. Rey leant back on her hands and pointedly looked him up and down.

“When you blush, you really blush don’t you?” she teased.

Ben rolled his eyes, pulling out two plates, “Pot, meet kettle,” he grumbled, causing Rey to laugh.

Rey could not stop grinning as she watched Ben dish out the food he had made, and her grumbling stomach made him glance up in amused surprise before laughing at her eager expression.

“The madam will be served gartro egg omelette, with cheese and diced roba bacon, hotcakes and poptree syrup, with sweet caffa. That is,” he beamed at her with a bright light in his eyes, “if she can survive long enough for it to be served without succumbing to starvation.”

She shook her head, her cheeks aching from smiling for so long. It was incredibly unfamiliar territory.

“Where did you learn to cook?” Rey asked.

“Frying up breakfast doesn’t really count as cooking,” Ben snorted with a shrug, “But, I somewhat taught myself. Except the hotcakes, mother and father taught me that.”

Rey felt a little pang in her chest, hoping that the mention of his parents wouldn’t unsettle him too much.

Ben smiled at her warmly while placing the plates stacked with delicious-looking food on the centre table, before fetching a decanter with steaming syrup and a flask with fresh caffa. Ben probably ignored the little line of worry that had appeared between Rey’s brows when he picked her up of the counter again and, in spite of her objecting squeaks, carried her over to put her down in the chair by the table. Ben offered her a smug smile before joining her, and pouring her a cup of caffa. Rey pushed her prior worries away, as there was nothing in Ben now but cautious excitement.

And a steaming plate beneath her nose that was making her mouth water. Sweet fracking Force.

“You know,” Ben began slyly, gesturing to her attire, “I’m almost of the mind to bet you into walking off the _Sparrow_ like that. Might make the whole situation a little easier.”

Rey would have answered wittily enough, she was sure, had her mouth not been stuffed with the omelette. Sweet fracking Force was right. She hadn’t tasted anything this good since Chewie had made supper for her that first night on Ahch-To. Ben was watching her with an amused expression, but also eating just as eagerly as she was.

“It’s a good thing I made quite a bit,” he chuckled, pouring syrup over their hotcakes when she accepted his offer with a flick of her fork, “Just a notch above synthesised porridge isn’t it?”

Rey nodded emphatically, swallowing her mouthful and taking a sip of caffa, “Holy frack Ben Solo, you can make food!”

“Let’s wait and see if we get out of this without food poisoning before we call it, hey?” he sniggered, taking a large bite of syrup-drenched hotcake.

“Even if we don’t, worth it!” Rey smiled, also digging into the hotcakes with delight.

Ben raised a brow at her, “When last did you have a meal, exactly?”

Rey shrugged, “Depends what constitutes as a meal. I, uh, I tend to forget.” She muffled out the last bit with an oversized mouthful of omelette.

Ben’s lips pressed into a worried line, but his expression was one of understanding, so she continued.

“I’m used to little, so when I get overwhelmed or stressed, I tend to forget that I’m not actually on Jakku anymore-“

The little hunch in his shoulders cut her off.

“-Sorry-“

“No,” he shook his head, “I’m sorry. Jakku was one of the lesser evils I could have dropped you, but it was still a horrid place.”

“You saved me, Ben,” Rey said firmly, putting her fork down to brush his cheek with her fingers, and he caught her hand, kissing it, “I saw your memories, you know. I am fully aware you did the best you could under the circumstances. But if it really gets you down-“ her tone turned teasing and he glanced up at her in confusion, “-then I can sentence you to breakfast duty for the foreseeable future, if that makes you feel better.”

That got him to laugh, and Rey forcibly smoothed out the frown on his forehead with her thumb, before picking up his fork and shoving the bite of omelette into his mouth, cackling at his expression.

It was war then, and Rey couldn’t have expected the juvenile food-fight that followed, and soon deteriorated into two adult Force Users, crying with laughter, and syrup in various degrees of smear across their faces. When they had wiped the syrup, and tears, away, both reached for their caffa and just watched the other with bright, shining eyes.

Rey gulped down the sip she had taken and lofted a brow at the dishevelled man before her, who now sat with her outstretched legs over his lap.

“I should write a book,” she sniffed, squinting at him as if sizing him up, “How to Tame Your Sithboy one-oh-one-”

Ben snorted, choking on the caffa he had sipped, and breaking into a laugh once he had set the mug down.

“-Special chapters include: Dealing with Guilt Angst, Hiding Your Tryst, and Relocating Lost Lightsabers After Sex, yours is under the console by the way. I couldn’t see mine.”

Rey could honestly say she had never seen a man _giggle_ till just then, and she was taken right back to Cato Neimoidia’s bar that time so long ago, where she had gotten her first taste of what ‘normal’ could be. Then Nar Shaddaa, in the afterglow.

This was so good. Rey _craved_ this. Even their bad times together were far better than the time without him or unknowing.

“This is nice,” Ben breathed, massaging her legs, “Almost as if we were regular drifters with no sordid past.”

Rey nodded, drinking more caffa, her gaze flicking over the empty plates on the table before settling on his soft features again, “We can pretend all the way to D’Qar, Bennie.”

“Then after that we will be drifters. Just with a whole lot of people after us,” he scoffed, reaching over to take a sip of his own caffa before returning to rubbing her legs.

Frack, it felt good.

“So, fugitives,” Rey smirked, wiggling a little closer to him when he tugged on her legs, reclining against the backrest.

Ben didn’t respond, a smile curving his lips as he worked her muscles. The smile deepened when Rey sighed in pleasure. However, she could feel that something was amiss, but she would wait till he blurted it out.

A few minutes later, and her patience was rewarded.

“This is going to be terrifying.”

Rey peeled her eyes open and lifted her head from where it had dropped, lulled into a stupor by his ministrations. She knew exactly what he was referring to.

“It will be, Ben. But I’ll back you up every step of the way, I promise.”

“I believe you, Sweetheart, I believe you,” he murmured, “It’s just figuring out what I say to them. Poe, Maz, Chewie, Uncle Luke, and mother… It’s not like one thing will apply to them all. It’s-“

“Relax, Bennie,” Rey pulled herself up and pecked his cheek before falling back again, “It will come to you. You’ll see their faces, and the words or lack thereof with come, and be adequate. The rest is up to them.”

“And the…”

By the slightly sick pallor to his face, Rey knew he was referring to the Senators.

“The Senators won’t touch you, and neither will the soldiers. I’ll make very sure of that.”

“Rey-“

“We’ll be fine, Ben,” she insisted, hoisting herself up for good this time and winding her arms around him, enjoying the return embrace he offered, “I don’t care if you deserve their justice or not. You make me happy, and I am going to be very selfish about this. Nothing is going to take you away from me now that I have you.”

Ben smiled into her hair, kissing her there, “’Have me?’ Yes, yes you do.”

“Like I said, ‘Tame your Sithboy one-oh-one.’”

Ben smacked her back lightly, “I’m not actually a Sith, you know,” he laughed, “I was a Ren. Jedi hunters.”

Rey snorted, “Oh we all know, the Galaxy just doesn’t care. You use the Force and kill ‘good’ people? You’re a Sith. Use the Force and kill ‘bad’ people? Jedi! The red crystal doesn’t help your case either.”

“Touché,” he sighed, “Speaking of which-“

He reached between them and fiddled with the kyber shard.

“Uh uh, only on D’Qar, remember?”

Ben chuckled, “Yes, ma’am.”

A piercing electronic shriek roused them from the humming lull they’d fallen into. The proximity alarm signalled arrival at D’Qar.

“Ah, frack,” Ben sighed, “Just when I was beginning to enjoy being a domesticated Darksider.”

Rey giggled, getting up and pulling him to his feet, “Well at least you won’t have to worry over the arrival for much longer!”

Ben groaned in response, following her to the cockpit and getting properly dressed along with her. Rey had managed it a lot faster than he had, and sat in the pilot’s seat, languidly watching him.

“Enjoying the show?” he raised a brow at her while threading his belt.

“Mm, wiggle a little more though,” Rey answered absentmindedly. She was just slightly distracted by his Force Signature.

She had no idea what he must have mulled over while she was asleep, but whatever decisions he had made…

He looked almost identical to her now.

“Rey?”

She averted her eyes, realising she had been staring blankly, “Sorry, I just, uh…”

He waited patiently for her answer, sitting in the co-pilot’s seat, and prepping the ship as far as he could for re-entry.

“You’re no Darksider anymore, Ben, your Force Signature is mostly grey.”

He smiled at her appreciatively before flicking his gaze to hyperspace, but it got caught by the little photograph clipped overhead. There were no words to describe the expression on his face except that it was of the joy caste, and something bittersweet. After a moment, he held out a hand to her, and Rey reached out to find he was handing over her lightsaber.

“It was under the chair,” he said with a smile, clipping his own saber to his belt.

Rey regarded the cross-barred lightsaber for a minute before retrieving that leather satchel. She almost expected it to be buried in dust for all the time it spent untouched. Ben watched her with curiosity at first, then pure confusion as she pulled Luke’s old lightsaber from the bag and held it out to him.

“It belongs to you, right?” Rey sounded hopeful even to her own ears.

“It _used_ to,” Ben answered slowly, “It was mine before I made my own.”

He didn’t take it, despite Rey practically shaking it in front of his face.

“That was a time long past, Rey. I’d rather-“

“But it could come in handy. Duel-wielding, perhaps?”

Ben shook his head with a smile, but took the hilt then anyway, “Impractical, as my current saber has vents. But thank you. There are a lot of memories attached to this weapon. Most of them are bad, but there are a few really good ones.”

Rey had never seen Ben look so far away, and she wondered momentarily if the saber had the same vision-inducing effect on him as it had on her. His eyes snapped to hers with a pained clarity, and she knew the answer straight away.

Of course. Why would it be any other way?

How else would Snoke have been able to stoke his vulnerability so effectively? How else to incite such investment in his grandfather? How else to prey on him so well, but with the use of a tainted relic? Her heart ached for Ben Solo.

Neither of them noticed the drop out of hyperspace till the console beeped erratically with an encoded clearance for landing, and Ben shoved the hilt back into the leather satchel before stowing it away where Rey had pulled it from.

“For safekeeping,” he mumbled, “Till whatever happens down there is resolved.”

Rey nodded and pulled them in for a landing, reaching out to clasp Ben’s hand with her own, and keeping tight hold of him all the way into the hangar. He was making it very clear to her over their bond that she was the only thing holding him together at that moments, and preventing a rending shatter.


	68. Secure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR’S NOTE:  
> I TRIED MY BEST  
> HONEST  
> Good grief this chapter was so hard to write, and I'm still not convinced.

**_Chapter 68: Secure_ **

This descent to D’Qar was one of caution and unusual silence. There was no chatter over the comms, nor any relay of entry or docking permissions. Rey guessed, or rather hoped, that Leia was scrambling their presence. Slowly but surely, then all at once, Rey’s heart was being constricted in her chest with the enormity of the situation, and fear for the man by her side. It was too big for her. She was just one girl, how could she hope to…How could she even-

She was crushing his hand, but he made no complaint.

Rey abruptly felt utterly underprepared for what she was walking herself and Ben Solo into.

“Ben…” Rey started in a shaky voice, eyes firmly glued to the verdant marble that was D’Qar as it encompassed her view, “Ben, I don’t- I have no idea what’s going to happen down there. There are people-There are-“

“Rey.”

He was so calm. He, who had been agonising over this moment far more than she…Ben’s voice was reassuring, and a balm to her frayed edges.

“There are _always_ ‘people’, Rey. I was never under any delusion that there wouldn’t be-“

He stroked the healing cut on Rey’s cheek, the one she had received during the first physical show of animosity in the base. A cut caused by a wedding ring, and a bitter soldier.

“-and you’ve become a target too,” he spoke so softly, it must have been to himself. There was quiet rage in those few words.

“Ben,” Rey squeezed his hand against her cheek, “We knew that was going to happen.”

“What did they blame you of?” he scoffed, “You are their essential salvation. What in the world did they find fault with?”

Rey swallowed harshly, and still kept her eyes to the planet as the ship entered the stratosphere. She could feel his stare on her face.

“Being a First Order agent, I think it boiled down to. Apparently all the time I spent a prisoner coupled with my constant survival…” Rey trailed off, averting her eyes to the console.

“They feel that you must be being kept alive for some purpose, and therefore are a traitor,” Ben clarified flatly.

“Yes.”

He sighed, “I suppose the backlash would not have been much different had they all known the truth. If anything, it would have been worse. Redeeming Kylo Ren? A waste of-“ he jeered, but stopped short at her expression, “-This must have been going on for a long time. Why did you never tell me?”

Rey shrugged weakly, and he forced her to look him in the eyes.

“It was never of any great importance,” Rey muttered, relenting to his gaze, “First it was just a few sideways glares, then insults…There’s only been one attack, and that happened a few days before you called me-“ she ignored the way he went rigid beside her, and his breath drew short, “-I think the arrival of the Senators a few weeks before aggravated the situation. There’s wholesale mistrust of Force Users, never mind ones like us.”

“Nothing that happens to you is inconsequential to me, Rey,” Ben murmured, brushing her cheek with his thumb. Then his eyes hardened, “There are Senators on D’Qar?”

“Yes.”

“Fantastic. We’ll get these uncomfortable decisions, like execution, made nice and fast. Get them out of the way.”

Rey barked a humourless laugh at his light, but dull tone. The hangar was coming closer. She was leaning forward in the chair as the ship docked, and Ben moved with her to keep her close. It was when the ship came to a creaking standstill that Rey realised Ben was on his knees beside her. His free arm was slung around her shoulders, and hand resting over her own which had a white-knuckle grip on the console.

It was early dawn, and Rey could only make out a small huddle of shadowy figures listing at the hangar door. There was no mob, no flames, and no weapons drawn. This did not give Rey the peace it should have.

To her surprise, it was Ben who held her tight and pulled her out of the cockpit. He was the one who dragged her to the ramp and hit the button to lower the platform. As it lowered, however, so his bravado dwindled and he took a hesitant step back, behind her.

Rey could make out shuffling feet from beyond the bulwark of the ship, and Ben’s breath hitched in his throat. She looked back to him, meeting an honest, composed face set with two terrified eyes. She knew that whoever was out there could not see them yet, and she could also feel that they were as anxious as the bared, beautiful man before her eyes.

Even with the scar she had given him, and the hard lines caused by years of being beaten into submission, his countenance could only be described as boyish in that moment. Ben Solo was floundering in familiar but long-abandoned waters, and he couldn’t find anything to grab hold of. His mind crashed against hers with all the fury of a hurricane, and with just as little control. There was no sense to be made of his thoughts and feelings, and he knew it. It frightened him.

Rey reached her hand out, and he latched onto it almost immediately. Ben’s eyes fell to look at their clenched hands, suspended a full arm’s length between them both due to how far he had retreated. He looked at their twined fingers as if seeing the light of day for the first time, or the moon after years of only star-lit skies.

“Whatever happens, we’ll be fine, alright?” he whispered. A question, a plea.

“We’ll be together,” Rey answered, giving his hand a light tug towards her when she heard Leia’s unmistakeable muttering from beyond the ramp.

Ben’s lips quirked in a tiny smile, his eyes meeting Rey’s once more and causing fluttering, giddy tremors to grip her heart.

“That’s enough for me.”

He took a slow step towards the ramp- towards her- looking very little like a Jedi or Sith, and every bit a space scoundrel in his flight jacket and civilian gear. It struck Rey then just how _normal_ they would appear were this a landing on any other planet. With Ben dressed as he was, and Rey in simple, casual robes, with her hair was loose about her, they were nothing short of a travelling pair. If not for the lightsabers at their hips, of course. For a split second that lingered for far longer than it truly was, Rey could imagine them leaving a hangar on Tatooine, Ryloth, or Manaan, and walk hand-in-hand to the nearest cantina, perfectly separate from the thankless politics around them.

A quiet gasp that was halfway a breathless sob wrenched that moment away from her, but Rey did not look away from Ben Solo. Though his eyes were magnetically drawn to the woman Rey knew to be standing a short ways from the ramp, Rey could not bring herself to look away from him. She could feel the warring reflexes in his body. Fight or flight? He was close enough to her now for Rey to let go of his hand and instead place hers on his back in a single movement. Ben’s empty hand reached for hers unconsciously before falling to his side, shaking. Rey let her eyes roam over his open face, marking every quiver of his lips, and every twitch of his cheek, jaw, and brow. His Adam’s apple bobbed quickly with painful gulps and swallows. The only part of him that was steady was his gaze, but his eyes were not clear.

Rey gently rubbed his shoulders, putting just a little too much pressure in order to persuade him forwards. The want, the _need,_ which was surging from the woman- the mother- was overwhelming. Rey could sense the others now. Finn was a steady presence in the background, ambivalent and impartial, but he was quite thoroughly linked with the excitable apprehension that was Poe Dameron. Maz and Chewbacca, like Finn and Poe, were removed to the side. They were observers. Luke was closer, and filled to the brim with both eagerness and hesitance. Leia, however, shone brightest of all with the sharpest of agonies and joys. The melancholy tone she exuded was echoed tenfold by the man under Rey’s fingertips. Every muscle that twitched under Rey’s hand spoke of an arrow knocked to the full, quivering with the tension of a held draw. She took the utmost pleasure in soothing his mind with her own, and giving him a gentle push to send him on his way. Though his back left her hand, they were far from disconnected.

Ben Solo walked with trepidation down the ramp, and Rey’s eyes followed him as he went. With every step he took, Ben became less and less a hardened man. His veneer wore thin, and cracked under the tension of his own body. Rey had been able to see beneath the mask of Kylo Ren long before. But only now was he letting it fall to everyone else, though Rey was sure that he would not have been able to hold it if he tried. Ben reached the bottom of the ramp, and Rey could feel the others stir as they caught proper sight of him. None had stood as close as Leia. He paused on the tarmac at the base of the ramp, and with her eyes on the back of his raven head, Rey could see Leia’s own kaleidoscopic face over his shoulder.

Leia stood tall, the picture of strength, but her hands and face betrayed that image. Her arms were crooked at the elbow, at the very beginnings of reaching out to embrace, or grab. Her lips were fractionally parted in a soundless plea, and her eyes were as shattered glass, the dustings of which decorated her lashes. It was an invisible string that seemed to tug Ben Solo to his mother, and with every laboured step he took he became more and more her son.

His shoulders slumped, his poster shook, and his poise lost its previous semblance of warrior composure. Rey could feel him screaming out for help to anything that could hear. Perhaps his mother herself.

However, Rey stayed right where she was.

Ben Solo came to a rest mere inches from Leia Organa.

Rey shivered as his shoulders shook. She held her breath as his body gave a tiny jerk. Though she could not see his face, she knew what it must look like. She had seen it before, after all, when Ben had faced his father.

Leia was dwarfed by her son, and the glistening droplets on her lashes fell to her cheeks when she turned her face up to better see him, her lips quivering with inaudible words, and her hands reaching up to take, but far too scared to touch. Even though she was tiny before him, Ben did not appear as the imposing figure he was before. He was crumbling in her presence.

“Ma…” he whispered, though it could have been a breath of wind through the hangar for all the confidence and surety in it.

Finally, those trembling lips of Leia’s found sound, though cracking and fragile, but so very, very _sure._

“ _Ben.”_

He fell.

He fell to his knees before his mother, and his arms found her waist. With broken words falling from his mouth, his head fell against her stomach, and Leia pulled him close with one arm over his brutally quaking shoulders, and the other hand cradling the back of his head.

A fine pain rippled through Rey’s heart, but it was not an awful thing. It was welcome, and full of promise. It was not her pain.

“Ben, my son, _my son-“_

Leia was leaning into the boy who knelt before her and embraced her with desperation. Her head was bent, fallen against her own chest, and she was crooked at the waist to fold over him. It was not the picture of a grown man begging forgiveness at his estranged mother’s feet. With his head fallen against her, and hidden by both his arms and hers, it was imagery of a lost little boy who was finding refuge in his mother’s ever loving comfort.

Rey saw little Ben after his first Force Terror. She saw little Ben after his hundredth Force Terror. She saw little Ben saying goodbye to his mother for the last time, and not wanting to go.

Finally, he was home.

“Ma, _ma_ , I’m so…I can’t…Can you ever…”

Rey could not hear all that was said, nor could she hear much of Leia’s replies, but she was sure that it would only correlate with the forgiveness she herself had learnt all those months ago, and more. Rey caught snips of Leia’s own copious apologies, for she had many of her own to make. Then there was reassurance after reassurance, and thanks falling upon any power that was. She would not allow Ben room to beg, and her rusty but practiced hands soon fell into the familiar patterns of comfort as he broke himself over and over at her feet, with his own hands clutching her as a child scared of a parent that would disappear at a moment’s notice.

There was simply nothing akin to a mother’s love for their child.

Even though Rey could not look away as it seemed the others felt need to, she in no manner felt as if she were intruding. Even so, she remained at the top of the ramp, watching the overdue reunion with an ever so slightly self-satisfied smile on her face. She didn’t notice Maz Kanata sidle up to her side till she was prodded in the ribs, and looked down to see the little smuggler just as Luke took his own unsteady steps towards the mother and son.

Rey was content with this distraction, as she was sure Luke, Leia, and Ben could work themselves out just fine. As far as she could tell, there would be no grand duel to the death, and there were no soldiers storming the hangar either, so Rey allowed herself the little breather.

“I told you, didn’t I?” Maz breathed, her eyes wide, and smile even broader, “I told you to be patient, I told you he would follow you…Oh _Rey-!”_

She was practically giddy, and Rey had never seen the little woman so blatantly relieved and excited before.

Rey lofted a brow at the woman’s apparent speechlessness, “Oh? That’s awfully tame commentary for you, Kanata.”

Maz shrugged, her grin turning sly as she saw Leia beckon to Rey from where Ben and Luke were embracing. Rey’s heart leapt in her chest at the sight. There was an honest smile on Luke’s face, and his cheeks were wet in the sunlight that filtered over the lip of the hangar. It seemed dawn’s first light had finally come.

As Rey started to descend the ramp, she almost choked at the giggling voice that floated down after her.

“Don’t worry, I’m waiting to corner the both of you together before I ask when Leia’s grandchildren are due.”


	69. Suffocate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you say to people you have left in the wind for about two weeks?  
> I wish I knew. I”M SO SO SORRYYYYYY  
> 

**_Chapter 69: Suffocate_ **

Rey approached the trio with hesitancy, as if verging on a skittish animal. She wasn’t quite sure whether it was them who would get spooked by any sudden moves, or herself. The clenching in her gut was for nought, however, as Leia met her gaze with red, swollen, but dancing eyes.

Leia opened and closed her mouth, trying to say words that simply wouldn’t form. She resorted to pulling Rey close in a vice-like embrace, and Rey returned it whole-heartedly. The mother in Rey’s arms gasped with each breath she took, saying everything she couldn’t articulate, even though she still tried.

“It’s alright, Leia. It’s alright-“

Leia clasped Rey’s shoulders, holding her out and pinning her with a crystalline stare. She seemed to find her voice.

“It- Alright? _Alright?_ Rey, you’ve given me back my son! _My son!”_

Just like that, Ben was at Rey’s side, a hand on his mother’s shoulder and his other arm wrapped tightly around Rey’s waist. He gripped Rey like a lifeline, a support, as if she wasn’t real. Leia’s hands slipped from her shoulders, and her eyes flickered between her son and Rey. A multitude of expressions warred for her features, but none of them were ill.

_Rey?_

Ben’s voice in her mind startled her, particularly with how timid it was.

_I’m here._

_I need you._

There was an edge there that she knew very well. He was frightened, and floundering; unsure and grappling.

 _I’m right here._ She pulled him close with an arm around his waist as well, and felt him flex the fingers that clutched her.

Luke had moved to stand by his sister, and there was a smile on his face the likes of which Rey had never seen before. Most certainly, she could see bitterness, regret, and pain in his eyes. Those were but ghosts, however, and hope had taken deep root within the previously despairing Jedi.

“For as long as I can be, Ma. I promise. I’m here.”

It warmed Rey in an odd way, the manner in which he copied her tone and words. Ben was drawing on her just as much as she had taken strength from him.

Both Leia’s and Luke’s faces fell at that comment, and Rey’s heart sank heavily at the look of unwanted remembrance they bore.

“Leia?” Rey asked softly when the General pursed her lips and hardened her features.

“As much as I long for hours to spend with you- the _both_ of you-” she said, her voice back to its typical authoritative timbre, masked by professionalism, “The situation here has only deteriorated since you left, Rey-”

Rey spent only a moment in simultaneous wonder with Ben at how his mother could seize detachment so effectively before she focussed on the General’s words with horror. There was a twinge that lingered on, reminding Rey that Ben’s wonder had been coloured with wounded recollection, his mother’s shift familiar to him.

“-I, uh,” Leia took a deep breath before wiping her hands over her face then clasping them, “I am no longer in control of the Resistance’s army. Senators Braam, Kla-Or, and Dask have taken over with the new mobilisations of the First Order happening around the Galaxy-”

Rey felt Ben stiffen next to her, and she held her tongue.

“-I am no longer in direct control, but the soldiers are for the most part still loyal to me. Unfortunately, orders are orders and I can’t change any now. That does not mean I won’t do my utmost to help you two to safety.”

Something about her tone was off, and both Rey and Ben picked up on it.

“Us _two_ to _safety_?” Rey asked softly, “Am I finally no longer welcome?”

Anger and white-hot fear bubbled up in the man next to Rey, and she soothed him as best she could with her hand at his side. All eyes in the hangar were on them, and Rey could feel the nervous tension emanating from Finn the likes of which overrode his fluctuating animosity. She was abruptly acutely aware of the anticipation hanging heavy in all present.

_If these so-called Senators so much as lay a finger on you, I swear to the Maker, I’ll-_

_Can you feel it?_ She asked Ben, cutting him off.

He stilled in her mind, and Rey could sense him become unsettled by the same atmosphere that was raising the hairs on the back of her neck.

Leia bit her lip and frowned in anxiety, “I don’t know, Rey. I don’t know, but it does not look good-”

“We shouldn’t have come here,” Ben whispered through a thick throat, his fear breaking through, “How long till they find us in this hangar?”

“Not long,” Poe piped up from behind, “That’s why there was no communication when you were incoming. We blocked the _Sparrow’s_ codes the second she left, and Finn and I diverted the code alert to the General’s quarters.”

Ben turned to Poe, and Rey felt him find comfort in the familiar sense of urgency that filled the hangar.

“How long?”

“Few minutes at best,” Finn interjected derisively, but it was not directed at Ben, “I saw a wide-eyed Senate bootlicker run off when we came in.”

Ben turned back to Rey with creased brows and alarmed eyes.

_What do we do?_

“What we planned,” she answered aloud, “You know where Snoke is. We use that.”

“And you?” he demanded, “If they want you thrown in with me, then what do we do?”

“I still have jurisdiction over Rey for the time being, Ben,” Leia said, drawing their attention, “They’ll take you in first. Don’t give them anything, and don’t tell us much of importance now. You’ll co-operate once you’re in custody, and you’ll only co-operate when myself or Luke is present, alright?”

The General was all business, but Rey had no doubt everyone in the hangar could hear the tremor in her voice.

Ben nodded once in response to her words, but he hadn’t taken his eyes off of Rey.

“But what _about Rey,”_ he asked again after a beat, “What if they press?”

“Ben-“

“What bargaining chip do we have there? How can we ensure…”

His voice cracked, and Rey felt astonishment flare in Finn, followed by a faint flicker of begrudging respect.

“You refuse to co-operate unless I’m safe?” Rey suggested, clasping his shoulder and offering him a small smile.

“That would work,” Luke sounded uncertain, “They can’t afford to pass up an opportunity to kill Snoke.”

“That’s all good and well,” Finn’s voice was closer now, and Rey turned to see he, Poe, Chewie, and Maz had come closer; all of them finding a measure of familiar rhythm in the odd camaraderie that had formed, “but how certain are we that Snoke isn’t playing you like he has all this time? I mean, this is just with me taking Rey at her word that _you’re_ not playing _us._ But what about him and his hold over you?”

“That won’t be a problem,” Ben’s voice was low, and earnest, “Rey has taught me well in shielding myself and my thoughts from Snoke, and it’s been effective of late. I’m sure you understand how we would have wanted to hide our connection from him. The constant practice has done me well-“

Finn glanced to Rey and his expression eased slightly when she nodded at him. She understood his fear and suspicion. The Resistance was his home now. Poe, Leia, Rem, and the rest were all his family. Naturally their safety would come first.

Beside her, Ben looked to Luke, his eyes shadowed with fearful determination.

“-I’m not saying I’m not afraid of him and what he can do. I am. But I can assure you that with the orders I had to fulfil, and with the preparations that the First Order has been making, this is _it._ He-“

Ben fell silent, and anyone else would have thought it was because of the sound of muffled voices beyond the hangar. Rey knew better. Rey felt the surge of anger and elation just as clearly as he did. In her peripherals, she could see that Luke felt it too.

It took only a heartbeat for Rey to shove Ben behind her and face the hangar door as it burst open. She drew her saber, but she did not ignite it.

_Rey-_

_Shush._

The narrow faced Senator from before spearheaded a virulent throng of Senate guards wielding shockstaffs. Not a single Resistance soldier was among them, and it only surprised Rey for a moment. Past the haze in her mind, she was vaguely aware of Ben grabbing her free hand and pulling it behind her, between them. He pressed something cold against her palm and closed her fingers around it.

His lightsaber.

She tucked it into her robes with the utmost discretion.

_Rey-_

_Quiet._

_Rey stand down._

_No._

Her vision was blurred with an uprising of rage that she had not expected from herself at this moment. Perhaps it was the energy from the mob feeding her. Perhaps it was the sneer the elderly man cast her. Or perhaps the smug simper of the Seroccan woman as she joined him. They were just so _victorious._ It made Rey taste bile and blood. Their thoughts were so unguarded, Rey was subjected to a virtual onslaught of conceited triumph. They were all harkening Ben’s death. Rey felt sick.

All the guards had their weapons at the ready, all trained on her. And why not? She was the only one with her weapon raised.

“Senator Braam. Senator Dask,” Leia addressed the two with stilted politeness, “To what do we owe the pleasure?”

Braam, the Corellian, shrewd man did not take his arrogant gaze off of Rey, eyeing her as if she served only to prove his point. As she was, she probably did.

“Well, it appears _that_ answers that sticky question,” he spoke to Dask, completely ignoring Leia, and glanced at his datapad as he did so. He gestured to the guards with a flick of his finger, and drawled on in an utterly bored tone, “The girl is obviously a pawn of Kylo Ren’s. Cuff and collar them both. We’ll have this whole web untangled by sundown.”

At this, Rey’s yellow blades sprang to life, her body working of its own free will. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Luke drew his, but the green light of an active saber did not come.

Ben was immobile behind her, but his mind was the opposite against hers. There were no words in his thoughts. Just pure outrage.

“Rey Kenobi is under my personal command as an honorary Captain, Senator-“

“She is uncontrollable,” Dask interrupted, her voice haughty and betraying her age with its waiver.

“-She infiltrated the First Order-”

“She is dangerous.”

“-She is still under _my command,_ within the circles that _I_ still _direct._ You would do well to remember that I am still the General, and my personal castes of troops are _mine,_ just as those thralls by your side are yours,” Leia’s voice was as bitter-cold steel.

Braam still maintained an air of amusement, but Dask looked vaguely restless at the standoff. Her eyes kept flicking to the man behind Rey, who looked nothing like the Kylo Ren everyone knew.

Ben’s hands were on her shoulders then, and he reached one down her arm to the hilt of her saber.

_Ben, don’t-_

With her hand under his, he pushed the saber down and deactivated it.

 _You need to._ He comforted her, rubbing the shoulder he still gripped and standing just close enough for his body to press against hers. He knew she was struggling. _You need to._

Now _that_ got a reaction out of both Senators that wasn’t one of smugness. Their brows lofted in momentary surprise before a flick of the woman’s hand sent the guards storming forwards.

They swept her aside like she was nothing, sending her reactionless, numb body careening into Finn’s as he caught and steadied her.

_Ben-_

“Finn, Poe, the _soldiers_ -“ His voice was muffled, though that might have been due to Rey’s own heartbeat thundering through her ears, “-Please-“

The abrupt silencing of his words, and the outraged growl from Chewbacca brought Rey to her senses past the fog of anxiety that had gripped her tight.

“Braam, we don’t use those! That’s-“

“You have no jurisdiction here, _Princess._ The circumstances require it.”

Rey wheeled to face Ben, and saw that his arms had been twisted behind his back, locked by stun cuffs, and he had been choked off with a rudimentary neural disruptor.

A restraining collar.

A ferocious cry that was barely human bubbled past her lips, and if Finn and Poe hadn’t been holding her, she would have killed the guards right then. She wanted to. She promised herself that one day, she would. She would have blood.

The thought didn’t scare her as much as it should have.

Ben wasn’t looking at her. His imploring, fervent gaze was held by Finn, who nodded, and Rey could sense the understanding spark between them.

“We’ll keep her safe, old buddy,” Poe murmured as Ben Solo was forced past them.

Rey’s vision bled red at every audible snap that indicated he had been handled roughly enough to activate the electrocution of the cuffs and the collar. She barely caught the last glance he tossed her way before the Senate party disappeared into the morning that seemed a lot darker than it had when light first broke.

Now, it was only Finn and Poe holding her that was keeping her on her feet at all.

Her ears rang, and she couldn’t hear at all what was hissed and called between the members of their gathering, nor could she bring herself to care. Rey barely noticed being helped to her prior quarters and sat down on the bed. The cup of caffa pushed into her limp hands fell to the floor that she stared at blankly.

Rey could do nothing but run her mind against the fuzzy presence of Ben Solo in her mind, dampened by the basic neural collar.

Every now and then, flashes of pain would break through. Physical pain.

She found herself wanting to pace, wanting to fight, wanting to tear the very walls down, or shred her own skin with her nails, but she simply sat on the edge of her bed. Finn and Poe remained by her side, and Chewbacca and Maz were in the next room.

Protecting her. It was fracking laughable to Rey. They should be protecting _Ben._

Luke and Leia fluttered in and out, and Rey furiously wondered why the _frack_ they weren’t doing anything to help _Ben_.

She tried telling them this, but no words came.

At some point, a bit of the white noise around her made sense, and she heard Luke speak.

“-When will they be _done,_ Leia? What are they _doing to him?”_

“Whatever the hell they want,” the General answered weakly.

“Wh-“

“They won’t kill him yet. I’ve already laid out the terms, and Ben will stick to the arrangement. It’s the only way we have a shot at getting _both_ of them out of this alive.”

“They honestly want her dead?”

“Her abilities scare them, and have scared enough soldiers to spark potential lynching.”

“-Force…”

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, and Rey was struggling to keep what little remained of her nerve.

Luke and Leia walked the circuit of her quarters for hours, and at some point Rey found herself counting their lap from a new perspective. Finn and Poe had shifted her to lie down, and had taken places on nearby chairs. Rey noticed her saber hilt on the bedside stand, and felt Ben’s digging into her back where she had stowed it. With her head spinning as it was, the high-pitched keening in her ears, and the tunnel vision it caused, the pain from the offending hilt was a welcome imposition.

No matter how many times she told herself that he would be alright, every spike over the strained bond would cause her like physical pain, and it would echo in her head with its own goading ring.

They should never have come back.

She had made so many mistakes.

So, so many mistakes.

Her head was aching with the pressure of too many thoughts and far too little energy, and her pillow was soaked with tears that leaked unbidden from frustration. Rey let herself close her burning eyes. Only for a moment, she told herself.

Rey just wanted to hold him close and bury her face in his robes.

She got her wish, but in the cruellest way. They were standing in clear waters and facing stark white sands. The palm fronds on scarecrow trees were too green, the sky too blue.

There was a grey temple obelisk beyond the stone ridge coloured by painterly browns.

They walked this time, from the water onto the beach. But then the white ran red as the man by her side collapsed, and she with him. He was gasping her name past blood that dyed his lips the crimson-black colour of a Malreaux Rose. She was screaming his, trying desperately to stop the bleeding.

Her hands travelled up his right side and found the wound, but it was not seeping. It was cauterised; a lightsaber injury. It was far too large for a mere blow…Something was terribly wrong.

Then his eyes fluttered closed. The rasping breath stopped.

A menacing, phantom voice laughed behind her.

No, no she couldn’t let this happen. Not now, not after everything they had done, and all they had suffered. Rey shook Ben Solo with all she had, but still he would not wake up, his head falling limply to the side.

Rey slumped against his body, her forehead tucked against his neck.

She was shaking uncontrollably. First from wrenching sobs, then from a force she could not identify.

Then, a voice she knew, but was strange all the same.

_Rey, you’ve done so well._

She shook harder, but would not let the man beneath her go.

_These are your final steps._

No.

_Almost there._

No!

Rey shot up in bed to find Luke shaking her awake.

* * *


	70. Verge

**_Chapter 70: Verge_ **

“Rey. Rey, it’s time,” Luke murmured, his face gaunt with worry.

Leia was not around.

Rey shook her head, the Force terror still stinging her mind’s eye.

Oh, Force. Just when Rey had assumed the nightmares couldn’t get any worse, the Force just had to prove her wrong, and she was naïve to think otherwise. Rey did her best to wipe away the stubborn bleariness in her eyes. Her body was lethargic, despite the urgency that wracked her mind. To see Ben-

Ben!

“Time? For what?” Her words were garbled through thick, numb lips, and she was honestly terrified of his answer.

How long had that nightmare been? For how long had she been prone on the bed?

There were only a million horrific things that it could be ‘time’ for, and Rey was not want to think into any that concerned Ben Solo.

“You can go see Ben. It’s your turn.”

Rey felt her entire being marginally ease at those words, but she wondered why Luke maintained his rueful expression. And ‘her turn’? Rey supposed that meant he was still incarcerated. To be fair, it was not a surprise.

Rey regarded him apprehensively, “Luke…What happened?”

The old, resigned Jedi before her raked his artificial hand through his hair, then let it rest over his eyes with a shaky sigh.

“You should go see him, Rey. As soon as you can.”

And she would, too, but Rey was not about to walk in blind.

“Please, Luke,” Rey said, swinging her legs over the side of the bed to sit beside him, “Please don’t hide anything from me. I can gather that I was…asleep…for a while. Something happened.”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“Luke.”

With an infinitesimal shake of his head, Rey could feel that he had no resolve to resist her much farther. Rey placed a hand on his shoulder, and that was all it took to shatter Luke’s will.

“He’d want to tell you himself, I suppose,” Luke said, just above a whisper, “Despite Leia’s best efforts, as well as myself, and Maz, and Chewbacca… Even Finn and Poe sent a few words. We all tried…You, you were struggling so much when you arrived…We felt it best to just let you rest, considering the Senators would only have targeted you had you been present-”

He was rambling, but Rey could be patient, despite the rising alarm in her throat.

“-It’s been a day, and we tried Rey, I promise you we tried-“

At the mention of _a day,_ Rey knew she most definitely could not be patient.

“Luke, what happened?”

_A day._

One full day.

“-The verdict from Braam just came in, and we haven’t had much time to think of a response,” he carried on, seemingly ignoring her, or else avoiding the point, “-Leia felt it prudent you be woken up, even though you are far from the stability Maz and myself think you should have to deal with-”

Rey supposed she should be angry at them for leaving her out of the loop, just on their whim, but there were far more pressing matters on her mind and Luke Skywalker was not answering her most pointed question.

“ _Luke_ ,” Rey lost her cool, “ _What happened?”_

He met her eyes then, unable to avoid it any longer. Rey could feel her chest clench with the apologetic compassion that welled in his gaze, along with too much pain.

“Death, Rey. He’s been sentenced to death-”

Rey tried to swallow, but ended up silently choking on the lump that she found there.

“-Without a Senate Trial.”

Death, she thought, that wasn’t unexpected, was it? They had thought about that as an outcome, hadn’t they? They’d be fine, Rey was sure. They’d find a way, they always did.

Then why had her blood suddenly run so ice-cold?

Death.

She found herself bolting out of the room with Luke calling after her. His voice echoed down the corridors as she ran, soon fading to quiet. Faces blurred together past her vision, as they seemed to these days. There wasn’t much she really wanted to see, and nothing that could possibly distract her from following that bright flicker that reeled her in.

Sentenced to death, not dead yet.

His Force presence was still there, still calling for her, and she was blindly hurtling through the hostile base towards it. The flicker was weak, and it was struggling. But it was still _there._

The only thing that made her stop was the feeling of cold durasteel bars in her hands as she collided into the security gate of the detention wing. Rey gripped the bars tight and rattled the gate, not trusting herself to call out at all for fear of what she might say. She didn’t want to think, and she didn’t want to feel at all beyond the spark that was Ben Solo. Rey knew that if she did, she may not be able to control the swelling Force inside her.

A few rattles later, and Rey was met with the smirking face of Senator Braam. Her entire being screamed _kill,_ and for once Rey was glad that there was an obstacle holding her back.

“Ah, Rey Kenobi,” his greeted warmly, but Rey could hear every ounce of poison behind the words, “Good to see you’re up and about. Come to say your goodbyes? I suppose it’s only fitting, considering the wretch is facilitating your survival-”

What?

Those words left her stunned enough for the simpering Senator to glide past her, unfazed, when the sentry opened the gate. Rey let the guard usher her in as Braam’s self-assured prattle drifted to her.

“-Worthless exchange, I’d say. No matter, once you stand in front of the Senate, alone, this will all be fixed.”

Rey’s head was spinning as she was led to a hermetically sealed durasteel door.

_Facilitating her survival?_

What had Ben _done?_

The door only slid back wide enough for her to get through, and even then Rey was roughly bundled in by the guard before the gap closed once more. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the sickly light, but when they did…

Rey was on her knees beside Ben in an instant. It was unclear whether she had consciously dropped to the floor to rip off the shackles that cut into his wrists and fixed them to the chair he was bound to, or if she had simply fallen in relief to see him alive and rolled with it. Nevertheless, Rey ignored the way the cuffs burned her as she tossed them aside, and reached for the collar and gag that were too-tightly fitted. Ben’s hands were on her elbows, her waist, and her hips, her thighs, pulling her off the floor and onto his lap so that she could better reach.

Rey tore the gag off in one swift move before locking her fingers around the _fracking collar_ and _pulling._ Ben choked in gulps of air as soon as the gag was free, and his hands found hers when the collar was lying on the floor, sparking. It took effort to tear her eyes away from their hands, clasped between them, and look at him. His touch soothed away the trembling, and smeared the blood that made her fingers slick in the process. His blood.

Ben’s blood, that was still oozing fresh and new over day-old scabs and bruises that littered their way over his features. His shirt was torn, and discoloured with only more deep red. The skin she could see of his chest was mottled purple, and his wrists bore bright crimson bangles of raw skin from where the cuffs had cut. The same could be said for his neck.

At first it had been a feat to look at Ben and accept that he had endured, while she had been left unawares. Now, Rey could not stop her eyes from wandering, and taking in _everything._ She wrung her hands free to trace her fingers over the injuries he had sustained, taking comfort in the way his hands found the small of her back and pulled her as close against him as he could manage.

Rey could feel his heavy gaze on her face, but she studiously followed her fingertips with her own, knowing that if she looked him in the eyes now, she would not be able to maintain the small shred of composure she had. Instead, she put all her remaining energy into mending his wounds. Granted, she did not have much, but it would do.

Rey traced his temples, and the deep gash she found that went well past his hairline. Her hands tingled with the Force she channelled, and shook with the pure anger she felt as more and more lacerations and bruises showed themselves. She followed Ben’s raw brow to the ridge of his broken nose, then slowly worked her way across his crushed cheekbone before brushing his discoloured jaw. Gently, her touch found his swollen, split lips, and Ben leaned his head to softly kiss the tips of her fingers. Rey didn’t move as Ben tilted his head to press two more light kissed to her fingertips.

Finally, she let her eyes meet his as one of his hands trailed up her back and over her arm to hold her hand in place. His eyes were unafraid, and if anything, he looked comforted under the weight of her body, and the ministrations of her hands. He held her gaze while he lightly squeezed her hand, and Rey let her empty one fall to his shoulder and draw little circles on his neck. Ben shuddered slightly, as a spring being slowly released form extreme torsion, and sagged into her touch. Then, his eyes fluttered closed when pressed his lips against her palm before breathing in deeply.

It was all she could bear before falling flush against him completely, her arms clenched over his shoulders, and choking out soft ‘I’m sorry’s’ into the crook of his neck.

Ben, too, had tightened his hold on her, and his shushing fell on deaf ears.

Rey would not be told that she was not responsible. She would not hear that it wasn’t her fault.

She should never have brought them back.

It was-

“My fault,” Rey whispered, tangling her fingers into his hair and clutching his shirt, “This is my fault. We- We need to-”

“Rey, shh.” Ben kissed her temple.

“No, no, they’ve ordered your _death,_ and Luke, Luke just let me _sleep!”_ Rey’s voice rose to near-hysterics, “I could have done something, I would have- I-“

“You would have been treated just as I was,” he murmured, rubbing her back, “Luke was right to leave you be. Had you been around, the Senators would have found some way to get you in chains. As it stands, we’ve managed to procure your freedom for the time being-“

Rey whined indignantly at that, reminded with a fury what Braam had said.

“And you _facilitated my survival,_ did you?” she asked, leaning back and pinning him with a heated glare, “Ben, w _hat did you do?”_

He had the grace to look guilty, and his eyes flicked away from hers to stare at a point in space before muttering, “They were pushing for ‘necessary execution’ for the both of us, as expected. I won’t lie, Braam had a compelling case that would place both of us before a firing squad pretty easily, in the eyes of frightened troops and fearful politicians. My mother vetoed any immediate action with her protection of you, but that wouldn’t have stopped them from wrangling us both into a situation that would go their way, particularly since my mother was so defensive of you-”

He met her gaze again, and Rey nodded for him to continue, listening on in silence. It unnerved her how calm and…resigned Ben was.

“-They also made it clear that there would be no deal that ended in my survival. So, I ensured yours. At least for the time being. In exchange for my death without trial, you get Senate after the First Order’s main fleet is taken out.”

Rey could not believe what she was hearing.

“They-You- You’re telling me that they _don’t care_ that you know where _Snoke_ is?” she spluttered incredulously, “How-“

“They do care, Rey. They just believe that they will find him eventually, or else he will come to them. ‘All wars culminate’, I believe were Kla-Or’s words. What they don’t care about is the urgency of the matter. They couldn’t care what Snoke wishes to do to the Force. All they truly desire is their own power. There are very few people left who fight for the good of the people-“

“Ben-“

“-And right now, it suits them to kill me in order to make a statement, and in turn appease many enemies of the Order. It suits them to kill you because you represent the risk that non-Force-Users fear, and there are many who have simply become _scared_ of you. In their minds, it suits them far more politically to kill two Force Users than use them to perhaps hasten the end of the war.”

Rey shook her head, not willing to understand anything he was saying, “There must be some way.”

He shrugged beneath her, and his voice broke when he spoke again, “I wish there was. Braam is self-assured. The only reason he’s allowing the bargain for you to receive trial is because he believes that the Senate will rule in his favour later.” His tone became serious, and edged with desperation. “It gives you time. When you first get the chance, you need to run-”

Rey scoffed bitterly, cutting him off, “Run, right. And let you die? Have you forgotten about our bond? Like Braam just told me, it’s a worthless exchange. The minute they say fire-”

“You don’t _know_ that, Rey,” Ben rebutted angrily, “You don’t know if that’s the nature of the bond, and I’d rather take the chance of you making it out than being assured that both of us will face the same karking squad.”

“No.” Rey got up, untangling herself from his hold and facing him, her posture aggravated. “There must be another way.”

Ben sighed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his marred hands splayed in surrender, “It’s done.”

“And Leia just agreed to this? Luke, Maz-“

“Of course not! But what choice do we have? At least one of us needs to get out to at least _try_ and help the others out there who will suffer under Snoke’s influence-”

Rey had started pacing, wringing her hands and eventually bunching them in her hair.

“-Luke is a slave to his legacy, and thus to the Resistance and their whims, much like my mother. He can’t do a karking thing about the lost Sensitives out there. And who else is going to go find them before Snoke does?”

Rey growled in frustration, unable to take it any longer.

“But I don’t want to!” she screamed, wheeling to face him, “I don’t want to! Why should it be me? Why can’t it be you?”

Ben stared back at her as her breathing slowed.

“I don’t want to,” Rey whispered, wiping her hands over her face but not letting them fall, “Not without you.”

She heard the faint sound of a chair scraping the floor before strong arms enveloped her against a warm chest, and Ben tucked her head under his cheek.

“It’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not,” he agreed, “For us. The rest of the Galaxy, however, would disagree.”

Rey snorted derisively, wrapping her own arms around his waist, not missing his flinch as his injuries were jostled.

There must be a way, she thought. There had to be. They were always going to be fugitives, so there was nothing stopping them from getting creative. But how to get free with minimal risk?

“So we know Braam definitely wants us both dead more than anything else. But Kla-Or and Dask? We can figure something out, we just need a little time.”

“We don’t have much time. Braam was smugly pleased in telling me that he has the most recent location of the Finalizer, and they are currently priming the Resistance fleet for attack, therefore not needing my intel. They’re fools.”

“How so?”

“Ironically enough, the Finalizer is above Jakku. That, however, is just a pit stop. I told Luke and my mother, I never got the chance to tell you; Snoke is on Lehon. It’s home to the Rakatan Temple of the Ancients, the capital of the Infinite Empire. That was millennia before the Old Republic itself was even a concept. The planet itself is a focal point in the Force greater than any world before it. A wound there would deafen the Force worse than Malachor ever did. The Resistance will go to Jakku, and they’ll be led to Lehon, and they’ll be slaughtered.”

“And you told them this? In exchange for anything?”

“We tried, but Braam would hear none of it. Kla-Or showed interest, but was outvoted by Dask and Braam. My death was the favoured action.”

Rey pulled free and was about to voice her disbelief when the door opened, and Luke was ushered in.

“Great,” Ben sighed when the door slid shut again, “Now they have all three of us nicely boxed in. If Braam is particularly opportunistic, he may just make use of this situation.”

Luke offered a short laugh before fixing them both with a slightly more amicable expression that surprised Rey.

“Sorry to interrupt the two of you, I’m sure you were making good use of the unmonitored cell, but there’s been a good development. Kla-Or, ever the stickler for protocol, has insisted on considering the notion of using you, Ben, to strike at Snoke. Of course, Braam won’t hear any of it, but Dask is surprisingly open to it-“

“In exchange for?” Rey interrupted, unable to hide the thread of hope in her voice.

“An uncontested Senate Trial.”

“Uncontested?” Rey asked with a frown.

“Meaning it still ends with my death as punishment for my war crimes, but my actions are laid out for judgement. Your trial is a contested one, meaning there’s still a chance you can walk free. Mine will end in execution either way-“ Ben explained softly.

“And that helps what, exactly?”

“It enlightens the general public as to what actually happened. It does not do much for Ben, but it helps the reputation of Force Users. Braam is against it for obvious reasons. He fears the public backlash once the lynching movement clears and people realise what they’ve done,” Luke answered, a grim smile in place.

Rey mulled over this for a moment, before the appeal of such a situation became apparent, causing excitement to spark in her chest.

“Wait a moment, a Senate Trial!” She turned back to Ben a poked him in the chest with an accusatory finger, “You told me that I get Trial, but that I must run the first chance I get. Right?”

“Rey…”

“Right?”

“Yes,” he sighed.

“Then you do the same.”

Ben made to respond, a doubtful expression on his face, but Luke cut him off with a discouraged tone, “That would be a viable option, yes, if Braam was on board. To kill a war criminal only requires majority vote. To let one onto the battlefield requires a unanimous decision.”

Rey flapped her hands in the air dismissively, “Then we give him a good reason.”

“Like?” Ben asked, brow raised.

Rey paced fitfully for a moment, Skywalker and Solo watching her in almost fearful silence.

So, Ben said Braam was self-assured that she would meet the same fate as Ben? But the others weren’t… And they didn’t want the Trials to happen at all. They didn’t want any good deeds known. They wanted scapegoats. No, they wanted tangible targets.

Rey turned to Luke sharply, “Can the Senate perform private trials, and public executions?”

“Yes,” Luke answered slowly, the furrow in his brow deepening at her question.

Rey rubbed her hand over her mouth in thought, her eyes drifting unseeingly between Luke and Ben.

A private trial would keep their actions, bar those that the Senators announced, from being public knowledge. Braam was certain that even a contested trial would end in execution. A public execution…

They’d need to aid the Resistance. They’d need to kill Snoke.

No matter, Rey thought with a searing hot vengeance bubbling in her chest; she would take great pleasure in his death, and _if_ things weren’t going their way, and the fight truly was a lost cause, there was always the option of stealing a ship and fleeing.

Was that too low? Perhaps, but Rey certainly wasn’t above it.

Rey clasped her hands and closed her eyes with a sigh, “Tell Braam…Tell them that Ben Solo _and_ Rey Kenobi will submit to a private, _contested_ Senate Trial. In exchange, both will accompany the Resistance army to Lehon, and ensure Snoke’s death.”

She didn’t open her eyes to see their reaction, but she could feel the fear flare in Ben.

“If that is what you wish,” Luke responded thoughtfully, “It could very well work. But I warn you, it will be almost impossible to escape the convoy on the way to Lehon. Both of you will be put under the highest security.”

“I don’t intend to escape _before_ Lehon, Luke,” Rey said curtly, her eyes snapping open, “I intend to bury my lightsaber hilt-deep in Snoke’s chest before running to the far reaches of the Outer Rim.”

The venom in her voice didn’t surprise her. She knew she was unstable, she could feel the Force welling and ebbing within her. Being a Grey User wasn’t as balanced as Rey had thought it would be.

“So be it, I will tell Leia, and we’ll counter the arrangement,” Luke nodded, a shadow of hope in his eyes, “In the meantime, the other reason I came was to fetch you, Rey. There’s been somewhat of an uprising amidst the troops once they realised that you weren’t under guard. I’m to make sure you get back to your quarters safely. Finn and Poe are waiting outside.”

More anger bubbled up into her throat, and Rey’s palms tingled with an energy she recognised as destruction. Lightning.

“No, thank you Luke,” Rey answered evenly, “I’ll stay here till there’s a final verdict.”

“Rey-“

She raised a hand to silence him, and Luke nodded once after a long, contemplative pause. He seemed to sense the tenuous danger in her, and Rey was grateful for his understanding.

“We’ve also placed trusted guards in this wing, just in case there are any pre-emptive attacks on Ben,” Luke said while signalling to be let out, “But…Just be vigilant. Unfortunately, this base is no longer a safe space.”

With that, he left, and the heavy door shut once more.

“And they expect to win this war, with such unrest amidst themselves?” Ben laughed softly, his nervousness showing through, “Force help them.”

Rey turned to see him slumped on the small bunk on the far wall, his head in his hands. She moved to sit beside him, folding her arms around his shoulders and melting into his embrace when he grappled to pull her closer.

“Why, Rey?” he murmured against her forehead, where he gently pressed his lips with every breath.

“Why what?” Rey’s voice was muffled by the skin of his chest, revealed by his torn shirt, “Why am I trying to save your life, or why am I staying here with you? Both are foolish questions.”

“The second one, then,” he ceded, leaning back to fix her with a curious look, “Locked in with me, you’re not a criminal.”

She snorted softly, “And if I’m locking them _out?”_

That drew a smile from Ben that made her heart flutter.

“Be serious,” he chuckled before his tone sobered, “I know that’s only a partial truth. Luke could sense it too.”

Rey avoided his piercing gaze, silently cursing his own perception.

“The soldiers? The Senators?”

Still, she refused to meet his eyes. She could feel his mind brushing against hers, searching and feeling. He found what he was looking for.

“You’re scared you might kill them if they get too close.”

Rey shook her head, lifting her legs to curl closer to Ben’s side.

“No,” she said, “I _know_ I’ll kill them if they get too close.”

* * *

 

 

For those who were worrying about lil ole me:

#barely


	71. Ultimatum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT  
> 

**_Chapter 71: Ultimatum_ **

“I can’t decide whether to be angry or impressed,” Ben finally said after a long time spent in silence; the two of them wrapped in each other’s arms.

During the course of the last hour they had somehow ended up lying down on the bunk. How they both fit, Rey would never be able to work out. If that was not enough, Ben had managed to curl himself around her in such a way that her back was against the wall, his faced the door, and there was _still_ room for one more person at the foot of the bed. It was perplexing to say the least, but Rey had never felt more secure than she did when Ben held her like that.

“Both,” she mumbled, not bothering or caring enough to move her face from where it was properly flattened against his chest, “Be angry at how impressed you are with me.”

Ben gave a deep chuckle, and Rey felt his chest hum with the vibration. With a smile, Rey lifted her head and planted a soft kiss on his chin before letting her lips just rest there. She felt Ben place a feather pecks against the tip of her nose, drawing her closer with a flinch and bated breath, hinting at the discomfort he still suffered. Since she had been with him, she had only really healed the worst of his injuries. It was clear that he still felt terrible pain. Reluctantly, Rey disentangled herself and sat back on her legs, giggling slightly at the indignant expression on Ben’s face.

“You get back here right this instant, sweetheart,” he growled, pointing at his chest.

Rey shook her head, a large grin plastered on her face and her hand raised flat before her to stop him when he tried to grab, “Nu-uh. Not till you tell me exactly where you’re hurting, and I heal you up properly.”

He huffed at her, turning to lie on his back, propping himself on his elbows, and looking vaguely amused. Seated back on her legs as she was, with Ben stretched out next to her, it was the first time that Rey noticed he had been stripped down to only his shirt and trousers. A quick glance around the tiny cell confirmed that whoever had…talked…to him first had removed his boots, jacket, and overshirt, as those items were piled in a corner and had no blood on them. The sight of crimson spatter everywhere else, however, made Rey grimace heavily.

The feeling of Ben pressing the palm of his hand against hers that was still outstretched brought her back to facing him. He quirked his lips in a tiny, slightly pained smile, and wove his fingers in between hers with a deep breath.

“You don’t need to think about that-“

“But I do,” Rey interrupted his low murmur, clutching his hand tightly, “They tortured you-“

“I’d say it was fair.”

“-They’re supposed to represent the benevolent side of this war-”

“Representation and action are two different things.”

Rey shook her head violently in response, but it was not in refute of his statement. Rather, it was out of frustration at herself. Ben pulled her hand towards him, and Rey looked up in time to see him press her knuckles to his lips, eyes sliding shut. Then he flicked his gaze back to her and moved her hand to his cheek to speak.

“Rey-“ He started slowly, but a cacophonous barrage against something outside silenced him.

Both of them leapt from the small bed in alarm and faced the door with tense expressions. The gate Rey knew to be down the hall was being violently shaken, and a melee of voices echoed through the passageways, swelling and forceful. Then the noise of the gate stopped when the sound of shrieking metal replaced it, and the voices hit a triumphant note.

What followed was thunderous footfalls, and Rey shared a fearful glance with Ben before feeling his hand on her waist, tugging her against his side. The din grew louder, and ice gripped Rey’s heart as the realisation dawned that her fears of a lynching might just come true. Next to her, she could sense Ben’s heartbeat accelerate, and his hold on her tightened.

Whoever was out there ran right past their cell.

Then there was further chaos as the mob hit the first of many branching corridors, splitting up as they ran.

“They don’t know which cell we’re in,” Ben said with a shudder.

Rey swallowed, “Good,” her voice was weak, “For their own good, I hope they don’t find us.”

A moment passed, and Rey found herself reaching for Ben’s hand. He took hers with fervour, and she couldn’t miss the slight tremor in his grip.

“Scared?” she asked softly, wincing into his side when a crash echoed from deeper in the detention wing.

“Only a little.”

Rey nodded, wishing more than anything that she hadn’t left her lightsaber behind when she had run from her quarters. Not, of course, like they would have let her take it in.

But…Ben’s saber-

“Frack,” Rey hissed, having patted her robe to find it empty.

“Hmm?”

“Your lightsaber, I thought I still had it in my robes. It seems it’s still in my quarters along with my own.”

Ben chuckled, flinching when footsteps surged past their door once more, “We still have the Force; I think we can manage. It just might jeopardise our chances of being taken to Lehon.”

Rey was just about to answer when the heavy-set durasteel door actually shook on its rails with the impact of several fists. Shouting erupted outside; a mix of glee and outrage. Faster than Rey could respond, Ben had pulled her behind him, and held her there; his body shielding hers.

“Ben-“

Blaster fire silenced her, and she gripped Ben’s ruined shirt tightly in her free fist, pressing herself against him almost on reflex.

More shouting, more weapons discharging, and then an uneasy silence.

It was a near half hour that the two of them stood in uncertain anxiety before the door slid open, and both of them dropped into defensive stances.

“I applaud your excellent Echani form, but it’s quite unnecessary,” came the dry response of a very dishevelled Luke Skywalker.

“Luke!” Ben’s relief was tangible, and Rey herself collapsed back onto the bed with a heady sigh.

Luke smiled wryly in response, closing the door behind them and handing Ben a keycard the likes of which Rey hadn’t seen before. From the expression on Ben’s face, he hadn’t either.

“This cell, and three others like it, are special in the sense that they have two cards to open them. Usually for two wardens,” Luke explained sheepishly, “To be used for high-profile threats. In this case, our secondary warden has just been killed, and his card taken by some opportunistic soldiers-“

“Who just tried to find and kill us, right?” Rey asked, feeling slightly sick.

“-Correct,” Luke sighed, “Tried being the keyword. Thankfully this gives us enough reason to implement a protection measure of sorts. You get one, just to make sure that no one tries to kill you in your sleep. You can’t get out without the other, and no one can break in here.”

Ben set the card down on the chair he had been tied to.

“Thank you, Luke.”

Luke shifted nervously on his feet, “You don’t realise just how close that was, Ben. If I hadn’t been on my way here already, you two would have been in a very bad spot by the end of the day. And I mean dead, whichever way you look at it.”

“Even if we defended ourselves?” Rey asked sardonically.

Luke nodded and sighed, “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

Rey snorted derisively, scuffing her boot over some dried red flecks on the floor before realising what it was and gingerly lifting her legs onto the bed instead.

“So you were on your way here?” Ben asked.

His voice seemed faraway to Rey, as she found herself more and more overwhelmed by the little red specks that seemed to be _everywhere._ With quick fingers, she undid the ties on her boots and chucked them to join Ben’s, tucking her knees under her chin when her feet were bare. Rey could feel their eyes on her, but chose instead to focus on one part of the wall that didn’t sport any blood, hugging her legs to her body.

“Quite, I have good news,” Luke answered slowly, not lifting his worried gaze from Rey, “The Senators have accepted the counter-offer. You and Rey will be escorted to Lehon on one of the flagships. Your duty will be to seek out and kill Snoke, then surrender yourselves as prisoners of war. You will then…”

The rest faded out to Rey. She supposed she should have received the news with joy and relief, but she just felt cold. She had found a tiny dot of red on the piece of wall she had thought to be safe. How badly had they beaten him for the blood to fly? Had they done it for a purpose, or simply out of spite? Rather, had they hidden behind the excuse of purpose in order to carry out spite?

Rey closed her eyes instead; Luke and Ben’s voices becoming but a background hum.

Sometime later, the thin mattress sagged slightly with the weight of another person, and Rey found herself being bundled up into Ben’s arms. Rey kept her eyes closed, but pushed herself deeper into Ben’s embrace, still clutching her legs tightly.

“Rey?” Ben asked softly, brushing her hair from her face, “sweetheart?”

“It’s just _everywhere,”_ she hissed, not resisting at all when he turned her head to face him with a gentle hand, “Your blood- It- It-“

Ben kissed her forehead, running his thumb over her lips and cheek.

“-Even my dreams,” Rey breathed, “Worse in my dreams.”

Ben’s body stiffened next to her for a moment before he scooted back on the bunk and all but hauled Rey up to tuck her against his side more comfortably. Then he leaned back to look at her, not letting her evade his eyes. Rey shivered under his intense perusal, fully aware of all the ticks and twitches that were giving her away. He knew her far too well.

“They’ve gotten worse.” It wasn’t a question.

Rey just nodded, but Ben wouldn’t take that for an answer. He stared at her till she broke.

“You die,” Rey whispered, “Every single time, you die. I can never save you. Lately, I get closer and closer, but you just die quicker and quicker. I can never-I-So much _blood-_ “ Her words choked off, stifled by a lump in her throat. Rey couldn’t remember ever speaking so candidly with Ben about the dreams. It felt oddly cathartic.

His lips pressed gently but earnestly against hers only served to heighten that release, and the gentle caresses a balm to her frayed nerves.

“That’s not going to happen,” he uttered against her lips, catching her bottom lip and teasing it with his teeth before pressing a light kiss to her mouth again, “We’re going to be alright-“

He suckled her lip again, digging a hand into her hair, and Rey could not withhold a soft moan. Her hands moved of their own will to clutch his shoulders.

“-We’re going to go to Lehon, we’re going to get free-“

Another, much deeper kiss elicited a gasp from her then, with a flick of his tongue over hers, and his other hand splayed on her lower back. Rey met him with a fervour, taking the incentive to nip his top lip, and thoroughly enjoying the moan it caused.

“-Then,” Ben panted against her eager mouth, peppering her lips with quick, open kisses, “then _nothing_ will make either of us suffer again.”

His laboured breath washed over her face in short bursts, and his forehead was resting on hers. With a start, Rey realised that their positions had shifted. She was pressed into the bunk, and Ben was resting on his elbows and knees above her, between her legs. It was by no means an unpleasant position to be in, but Rey could not miss the way he still winced.

With effort, Rey pulled her hands from his hair and placed them back on his shoulders, pushing him till he sat on his legs, kneeling. She could not help but giggle at his disgruntled expression, and Force damn her if she didn’t hear him quietly _whine._ His hands had fallen to her hips, and he did not refrain from rubbing small circles into the flesh he felt.

“Are you sure you want to do _that_ in your state, in _here_?” Rey asked, only half-seriously.

He muttered something under his breath that sounded dangerously like ‘hypocrite’ to Rey, but quickly spoke up with a cocky smirk, “As a pose to, what, the floor of my old ship?”

Rey rolled her eyes at the insinuation, blush dusting her cheeks as she was still precariously aware of the way he was sitting between her legs, and the way he was looking at her.

She wanted to say ‘That was different’, but the words died on her lips, resulting in only a resigned huff. He chuckled at her, but made no move to pounce, as he could certainly sense the seriousness in her worry. With a little sigh, he carefully tugged off his ruined shirt before grabbing her hands, and pressing them to his skin.

It shocked her speechless how extensively mottled his skin was from the bruising, and how feverish it felt to the touch. Without any hesitation, Rey began to channel more focussed healing energy into him; obsessively running her fingertips over and over the same spots till the bruises and cuts disappeared entirely. Ben was still under her touch, and the odd glance at his face revealed that he had closed his eyes, and was simply revelling in her touch.

Rey had just reached the belt of his trousers when his hands curled around her wrists, and slowly pushed her back against the bed. Her breath caught in her throat when she met his eyes, finding them heavy lidded and brimming with need, and warmth.

“This is no different to Mygeeto, Rey,” he whispered hoarsely, and she was sure he had delved into her mind earlier on, but quickly lost that train of thought when he let one hand trail to cup her hip again, “No different to any time.”

She hummed in response as he shifted against her.

“To be honest, I’m scared. I don’t know what we’ll encounter on Lehon, I don’t know what’s going to happen,” his voice was low and desperate, and she was unable to look away from his eyes, “I want to forget that for now. We have a moment of peace, we’ve been afforded privacy. I just want you.”

Rey would be lying to say his words didn’t send thrills through her body. Despite this, she kept her gaze steady as she wormed her other arm free and slowly undid his belt, throwing him a vaguely impish smile. His eyes flashed and his mouth was on hers before she could properly understand the expression on his face. Not that it mattered anymore.

His hands were on her body and working her tunic loose while his lips unravelled all that was left of her composure. Ben was kissing her deeply, teasing her mouth open and lightly licked and nibbled her lips before laving his tongue against hers. She’d be damned if she wasn’t responding in kind. Cold air hit her skin as her tunic was thrown aside, and the broke their heady kiss only for Ben to tug off her brassiere. It wasn’t more than a second before his fingers were exploring her body again, and his lips lavishing her jaw and throat; suckling and nipping paths only known to him over her skin. Rey was already gasping at his attentions, and was helpless to stop the loud moan that wracked her body when he gently kneaded her breasts, and his lips brushed her nipples.

Her head was spinning, and her scrambled thoughts were utterly incapable of keeping track of his actions. Rey would never get tired of the way he made her feel, and there was no ignoring the like-minded ecstasy that surged over their bond. It only dizzied her further to know that making her like _this_ made him feel like _that._

Rey wasn’t quite sure how it happened, all she was really aware of was Ben’s mouth back on hers, but she soon became aware of Ben’s hands on her bare hips, firmly pulling her into his very naked lap and wrapping her legs around him. She bucked her hips on instinct, liquid heat pooling in her gut of the feeling of him rubbing against her, and the strangled moan he gave in response. There was nothing measured in their actions. No deliberateness, and no ceremony; just a burning need for closeness.

Ben pulled her up to sit in his lap, crushing her chest against his and locking his arms tightly around her. His skin was still feverish, but now the cause was something else entirely, and Rey was sure she was just as fiery to the touch. His lips latched to her throat as his lifted her up and rocked his hips against hers. Rey did nothing to stop her cry when he sunk into her, his breathing punctuated with heavy groans against the skin of her neck.

They clutched each other close, twined as tightly as they could manage, and still edging to consume each other as far as possible. Neither of them lifted themselves from the other. They simply moved together, circling their hips and pitching back and forth. Ben was decadent in the way he kissed her, not daring to break away for even a moment. Rey was sure she had ruined all her good work by decorating his back with crescent-moon nail dents. Something about the way he groaned and sighed into every taste and drink of her assured her that he would not mind.

Rey was caught unawares by her completion, having been suspended in the sweetest of pleasures for all the time that Ben held her. His kiss was the only thing that muffled her long, loud, stuttered moan as her body shuddered unbidden, clenching around him and bidding him soon follow. They stayed intertwined and moving till the last of the tremors had run their course, and they both collapsed into the bunk, marking the other’s skin with their names spoken in breathless gasps.

Rey’s mind was a blissful blank as Ben curled himself around her once more. Their legs were tangled, and their hands reached to clutch any skin they could, but Rey was enveloped once more in the most tender comfort she had ever come to know.

Her head rose and fell with every breath Ben took, and she could pinpoint the exact moment he had regained at least some of his bearings. They lay like that for a long time, tracing invisible patterns into the other’s skin, and studiously ignoring the waves of discord that echoed over the Force and intruded on their tiny morsel of peace.

Rey knew they did not have much time left, so she tucked her head closer against Ben’s chest and committed to a good rest, knowing she would receive one in his embrace. He seemed to sense her feeling, tightening his arms around her and kissing her lightly on her forehead.

“We’ll be alright,” he murmured, rocking her back and forth, “You’ll see.”

Rey nodded against him, not as optimistic as he, but praying to anything that would listen that he was right. There was no other outcome that would be acceptable, or even viable to her. Ben Solo meant to much to her. She loved him far too deeply.

She could not lose him.

* * *


	72. Family

**_Chapter 72: Family_ **

Rey was woken by a gentle hand rubbing back and forth over her shoulders, shaking her in between. The owner of said large hands uttered a rippling chuckle when Rey simply groaned and pressed her face harder against the blankets.

“Rey, I think we should get up,” Ben whispered, pressing a kiss to her head.

Rey shook her head, inciting more laughter from him. She was perfectly comfortable where she was, and getting up meant one step closer to Lehon. Rey was suddenly rather cold at the thought.

“Truly, we should.”

“Give me one good reason,” Rey grumbled.

The insistent, somewhat impatient knock on the door was her answer.

Rey raised her head to glare at the offending noise, but met Ben’s warm brown eyes instead and faltered. He was smiling. Rey sat up on the bunk, regarding Ben with a probing expression. His lips were pursed as if holding back laughter, and it did nothing but bewilder her, what with their situation. She ignored the further knocking on the door, as well as the beeping of the keycard they had, and maintained the stare-out with Ben.

Something was out of place…

He was sitting on a chair next to the bed, and he was already dressed.

Rey cocked a brow, pointedly trailed her gaze over his body and then met his once more, “You are confusing me.”

Ben snorted, “In truth, I’ve been up for a while. Kla-Or was here earlier, and _someone_ had to answer her-“ Rey’s eyes widened, starkly aware of her very naked state, before becoming mindful of the sheet she was swaddled in, “-Relax, sweetheart, I made sure to preserve your dignity,” he rolled his eyes, “Besides which, you were getting decent rest. I couldn’t bring myself to wake you, and Kla-Or thought it unnecessary. She only passed on a message at the door.”

“Oh?” Rey remarked faintly, cheeks slightly burning from the thought of how that interaction must have gone.

“Mm, the ships are readying for departure to Lehon. We should be underway within the next few hours.”

Rey’s heart sank.

“Then how can you be smiling, Ben?”

He shrugged slightly and took her hands in his, playing with her fingers for a bit before saying, “Well, Kla-Or informed me that we’re going to be in custody on her flagship for arrival at Lehon. Therefore, we are under her immediate charge while preparations are underway…” He was fidgeting now, a look that was somewhere between elated and forlorn turning his features.

“Ben…“ Rey murmured, holding his hands still.

“-And she’s granted us these few hours outside of the cell, to spend with our family. With supervision, of course. And a shoot-to-kill order if we try anything, as well as treason charges for those whom we were with.” His words came all at once then, rushing together.  “According to her, we deserve a goodbye, but they are not above attempting the strike on Snoke without us should we ‘misbehave’.”

Rey flicked her head in shock, her brows twisted in confusion.

The knock at the door peppered the air again.

Ben smiled, “And that would be Luke, along with the escort of Kla-Or’s Footmen, come to fetch us.”

That was enough to kick her out of bed with a flurry, and Rey only paused her rushed re-dressing once Ben’s words all clicked into place.

“ _Our_ family?” Rey asked quietly, glancing up at Ben.

His lips quirked into a bashful smile, and his cheeks along with the tips of his ears flushed pink.

“Yeah- Uh,“ Ben ran his fingers through his hair, “Ours- At least, were Kla-Or’s words- I-”

Warmth flooded Rey’s body at his stuttering. The idea that he would be shy over such a thing…

“-That is, I consider you- I’m sure Luke and Ma do too, think of you-“

Rey finished dressing and looked to him to see his eyes still averted, and gnawing his lip nervously. She couldn’t withhold a giggle, interrupting his words. Ben looked to her with timid and slightly anticipatory eyes. She sat back on the bed and reached out to cradle his head in her hands.

“Our family,” Rey hummed, teasing his lips with her thumbs and tracing the smile that played there, “I like the sound of that.”

“It’s just a pity it won’t be for long,” he breathed, trailing his hands to her waist.

Rey shrugged in response, and was just about to respond when Luke’s voice came muffled through the door.

“If I knew you too liked the cell so much, I wouldn’t have stuck my neck out to twist Kla-Or’s arm! Do you have any idea how demeaning it is to grovel at the feet of a Senator?”

Rey sniggered softly, and heard Ben’s own chuckle when he pressed his forehead against hers and gently squeezed her hips. She took the initiative this time. A little tilt of her head was all it took to gently kiss his lips, smiling against him when he leant in with vigour.

It was only a quick, reassuring kiss, but when Rey leant back and got up, she looked back to find Ben dazed in his seat and regarding her with heavy-lidded eyes.

“Come on then,” Rey giggled, taking Ben’s hands and pulling him to his feet, “Before Luke decides to leave us here.”

“Yes ma’am,” he ginned, following close behind her after picking up the keycard.

A few moments later, and they found themselves face-to-face with a mildly amused and somewhat sardonic Luke Skywalker.

“I appreciate your punctuality,” he said dryly, “Let’s hope whatever Leia and Chewie were busy with isn’t cold by the time we get there.”

He gestured for them to follow, and they quickly fell into step amidst the guards after casting each other a puzzled glance.

“I’m sorry, ‘cold’?” Ben asked with just as much bafflement as Rey felt.

“Oh, we’re having a dinner. A good luck meal of sorts. Poe suggested it, and your mother hopped right on board. There was little stopping it from there.”

“I can imagine.”

Rey had to bite back a snort at Ben’s vaguely fearful tone. Luke did not.

“Relax, Ben. It’s not a crowd. Apart from you two, it’s just myself, your mother, Chewie, Maz, Poe, and Finn. Oh! And Gaelas. He arrived this morning.”

Rey’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, and Ben’s in confusion.

“Gaelas? How so?”

“Leia thought it would be a good idea to have him with us if he would be willing to help. He, and a few of his Order have agreed to aid the siege. I think he’s more interested in seeing you again however, Rey.”

Now Ben really looked lost, and Rey chuckled softly at his frown, “Sorry Ben. Gaelas is a Selkath Force-User who helped me on Manaan, after you smuggled me off Korriban.”

His eyes widened and he nodded mutely, chewing on his bottom lip, “Do I happen to have a ‘reputation’ with him as well?”

“Um-” He paled at Rey’s teasingly uncertain tone. “-Only a _little_ one…”

Luke laughed from up ahead, and Rey pulled Ben against her side with a smile at his wry expression. Then he tensed a little under her arm, and Rey realised they were in the corridor that lead to the main dormitories. Leia’s quarters weren’t far. The troops around them stopped at the door of the antechamber, and Rey could hear muted talking from beyond the durasteel that was punctuated by laughter and the out droid beep. For a moment, Ben wore an expression of pure terror. Rey lightly rubbed his back when Luke opened the door and walked across the empty foyer to an open arch that was bathed in warm light.

“Come on, I bet Leia’s dying to ply you with some home-cooking.”

Ben offered her a smile, and steadied himself with a hand on the doorframe.

“I bet she is,” he whispered, “But the others? Tolerating me is one thing. Sitting down to a civil dinner is another.”

“Hey,” Rey wrapped her arms around his waist and sank into his reflex embrace, kissing his neck before resting her head on his shoulder, “It’ll be fine, Ben. Sure, it might be a little awkward, maybe a little tense. Who knows, crockery might even fly across the room, and furniture might be used as blockades and cover-“

Ben barked a harsh laugh into her neck where his head had fallen and clenched his arms tighter around her. Rey threaded a hand through his hair to hold him there.

“-But rest assured, everyone in there knew we were coming. Every single one who is in there is willing to give you a chance.”

He sighed heavily in her arms, seemingly drawing strength for walking into the mynok’s den, as it were. A cheeky cough from the archway caused the two of them to jump and face Leia, with a smirking Maz Kanata at her side.

“Dinner’s ready,” Leia said, her eyes glittering and a smile turning her lips.

Rey couldn’t remember a time when she had seen the woman so _happy_ as she and Ben went to greet them.

“Mm, I’m sure you two made _full_ use of that secure cell,” Maz drawled, practically bouncing towards them, “Now it’s our turn to be blessed by your brief company.”

Rey didn’t have time to process exactly what happened, but one minute Ben was by her side, and the next he was folded near double with Maz’s arms around his shoulders, having been yanked down by the little woman. Leia was struggling to stifle her laughter.

“You certainly have grown since I last held you, Solo.”

“And you haven’t changed a bit, even with my memories of childhood being as fuzzy as they are.”

Maz only let him up to grab his hands again and drag him towards the lit rooms.

“Come, come! I have someone who’s dying to meet you!”

Ben only had time to cast one alarmed look back at Rey before vanishing into Leia’s quarters. Leia herself could not withhold her laughter any longer.

“Am I to hazard a guess that Maz is talking about Gaelas?”

Leia nodded, her cheeks pink with mirth.

“Well then,” Rey swallowed hard, “I suppose it’s useless to try rescue him now?”

“Oh, indeed,” Leia snorted, looping an arm around Rey’s shoulders and guiding her in, “Just so you know, another condition of this little house-arrest is that Luke ‘outfits you as befits a Jedi for battle’, as apparently the Senators have acknowledged that they know nothing of equipping a Force-User for a fight. So, everything is here that you and Ben need. You’ll have to suit up right after dinner, as most others on the base will be.”

Rey looked to her when her voice shook, and saw the deep worry in Leia’s eyes. Rey stopped walking, and turned Leia to face her. She could hear raised voices in the rooms beyond, and laughter. Finn’s laughter. Ben’s laughter.

“We’re going to be fine, Leia. We’re going to be fine.”

Leia didn’t meet her eyes, “We’re all coming, you know. Gaelas and his few volunteers are going to be with myself and Luke on my flagship. Poe is leading a squadron, Finn is going to be his gunner. The Resistance is going all-in on this…So many lives-“

“Leia-“

“-And yet…“ Leia met Rey’s gaze, “I can’t bring myself to care about anything more than my son escaping. I need Han’s death to mean something. I need to know that my negligence will be surpassed. I _need_ him to live, Rey.”

“He will.” She would make sure of that.

Leia chewed her lip, a perfect mirror of the nervous twitch Ben had showed earlier, and nodded.

They entered the main dining room to a chorus of animated chatting and jovial laughter. It was such a stark contrast to the general atmosphere of the last few months that it startled Rey for a moment. Not even that, however, could have prepared her for the sight of Poe sharing what looked to be a teasing joke with Ben before hauling him into a tight embrace and clapping him on the back.

Ben caught her eyes from across the room and smiled brightly at her from over Poe’s shoulder. It took her a moment to respond, but she found herself already smiling. They didn’t share the look for long before Chewbacca and Finn caught Ben’s attention again, and Rey only barely caught the words ‘converters’ and ‘couplings’ thrown around. So, either there was some lewd joking going around, or they were discussing ship parts. It didn’t matter to Rey; at least they were talking. Rey stayed in the doorway as Leia bustled in to try get the meal going. She was content to watch them wheel about the room, chatting away, Leia smacking Ben’s shoulder when he worked up the nerve to through her a cheeky comment, Luke, Chewie, and Finn laughing at Ben when he rubbed his shoulder in mock hurt, and Maz, Poe, and Gaelas offering what could only be called running commentary. Rey was content to watch. Ben was smiling. He was smiling so brilliantly.

“Look what you did, kid.”

The voice startled her, lost as she was in her reverie. It had been so loud, and she could have sworn…

Rey spun to see no one behind her.

She frowned at the dim foyer, but her eerie confusion was interrupted when she found herself yanked back by furry paws, and roughly seated at the table, facing Gaelas and next to Ben.

“Bit lost in thought there?” Ben asked her with a smile.

Rey shook of the chill from before and shook her head, “Just enjoying our family.”

It shouldn’t have been possible for his smile to grow any brighter, but it did. Oh Force it did, and it made her heart soar. Even more so when he took one her hands under the table, rubbing his knuckles over her knee.

_[Ah yes, my favourite little deviant! Sentient, it is good to see you well. Apart from the looming threat of death, of course, but that is a minor technicality.]_

Rey rolled her eyes, “So you’ve come out of retirement have you?”

 _[I told you, did I not? You’re providing a movement I would be happy to join,]_ he shrugged, _[Besides, when Leia called and explained the situation, I came to the decision that yourself and your paramour would need all the help you could get to evade the idiocy- I mean- bureaucracy.]_

Ben chuckled along with her, but all attention was soon diverted when Leia, Maz, and Chewie set down bowls of steaming stew, and platters laden with inviting breads. The odd feeling from before abated too, and was replaced with a wholesome warmth as their motley bunch heartily dug in.

The meal passed in what could only be described as a blissful blur. There were odd threads of tension, yes, when certain topics were mentioned, but there was rarely a time when smiles were absent. Particularly when Maz and Poe began ribbing Ben on hoe the whole ‘will not be seduced’ thing didn’t _exactly_ work out as he had planned.

Then the threatening starting. ‘You better make sure to comm as at _least_ three times a week when all this is over, and you’re playing hide-n-seek with the Senators’, ‘It’s called ‘fugitive’ for a reason, nothing y’all do is gonna be legal’, ‘I don’t care how, but I want my darn Unknown-Space souvenirs’.

Rey didn’t even have to squint to pretend it was her family. She felt home.

It was a patchwork bunch, with rough edges and sloppy stitching, but it was so good.

And it was all too soon that dinner was finished, plates scraped clean, and Leia placed two folded navy blue parcels before Ben and Rey. Rey recognised the item immediately, but Ben unfolded his first before understanding alighted in his eyes.

Finn squealed from the other end of the table, “Matching robes! How _cute!_ Slaying the Sith with ‘sabers and style.”

Ben may or may not have blushed.

“Well,” Leia piped up, “You see, whatever it was that you two did on those missions made quite a dent in Rey’s wardrobe… So we stocked quite a lot of this ballistic mesh. Now that she won’t really be working for us anymore, well, we had some extra material and figured you’d be needing some solid robes too, Ben.”

“Less conspicuous than your usual getup, eh?” Poe chuckled, “Now of course the red ‘saber doesn’t quite help the image but…”

“I see no need to change out the colour,” Rey shot back with a grin, “It is, after all, just a colour.”

“And they’re hardly Jedi, right?” Luke said, placing three lightsaber hilts down along with the robes.

Rey’s, Ben’s, and the famed Skywalker ‘saber.

Ben picked the older hilt up and turned it over in his hands.

Maz snorted, “I’d say they’re Jedi, just enough-“ Ben got up and walked towards the enclosed patio, but the conversation that Luke had sparked continued, “-Just enough to survive, not enough to kark up as badly as their predecessors…”

Rey followed Ben out, finding him leaning on the railing of the little balcony. He was fidgeting with the hilt, but staring at the orange-shot dusk sky. It was not yet night. She went to stand by his side, happily leaning against him when he nudged her side.

“So you’re finally gonna claim that?” Rey asked.

He shook his head.

“Why not?”

No response.

“Nervous?” she asked quietly, resting her head against his shoulder and smiling to herself when he let his head fall onto hers.

“Terrified,” he whispered back, “As far as I’m concerned, we’re both dead till we’re not.”

Rey shrugged, “Well, I’m happy to tell you that you’re wrong. We’ll be fine.”

“You say that a lot.”

“I’m hoping that it will become true,” her voice cracked, but she refused to look away from the painterly sky, even when she could feel his eyes on her.

Ben wound an arm around her, and in her peripherals, Rey could see him dip his other hand under his shirt to pull out the gleaming kyber crystal. He made to take the necklace off, but Rey shook her head.

“Why not? We’re on D’Qar, and there’s the sunset. I believe I made a promise,” he murmured, tugging her closer.

“But we’re not free yet.”

“Does it matter?”

She didn’t answer. She couldn’t, for there was rather suddenly a lump in her throat.

“Rey?”

She had to bite hard to keep the sudden pricking in her eyes at bay.

“…Sweetheart?” Ben turned her to face him, tipping her head up with a finger under her chin to ensure she met his eyes.

“I just,” she swallowed, unable to deny him an answer, “It’s silly but, I just keep thinking that, by keeping the crystal, you’ll _still need_ to give it back…You’ll need to be there after-“

Ben pulled her flush against his chest, kissing her forehead before nuzzling into her hair. Rey clutched him to her, revelling in his warmth and breathing him in.

“I love you, Ben. I don’t want to consider that this will end in anything else than us on a ship, burning hyperspace.”

“How about a compromise?” Ben whispered after a moment, leaning back “You keep this-“ He tucked the old hilt into her hands, “-and I’ll keep the crystal. We trade when we’re home free.”

Rey chuckled softly then nodded, meeting his eyes as the sky turned indigo and constellations began to appear.

Slowly, he cupped her face in his hands and stroked her cheeks with his thumbs.

“I love you too, you know,” he said softly, “You’ve given me back so much more than I ever dared dream. If by some miracle our luck holds up, and we come out of this alright, I wouldn’t want anything else than spending the rest of my days with you, however that may turn out to be.”

Rey laughed lightly, secretly thrilled at his unusually desperate tenor, turning her face and grabbing on of his hands to kiss his palm, “Ben Solo, is that an honest to goodness proposal I hear?”

He smiled tilting his head, “To be fair, I’ve inadvertently done that several times. This is me begging.”

Rey put her hands over her face, feeling her cheeks bloom with a blush and split with a positively ridiculous grin.

“Rey?” She felt his hands wind around her wrists, and almost giggled at his uncertainly nervous tone, “I’ll go down on my knees if I have to-“

Rey shook her head, letting her hands fall only to wind them around his neck and kiss him, loading her actions with all the answers she need give. Rationally, it would have seemed unnecessary, and excess. Rey had come to _know_ that her future would always include Ben Solo. It wasn’t a question, and there was no debate. But then why would the prospect of official union- husband and wife- leave her a giddy mess?

Frack irrationality. It felt bloody good.

The way he kissed her back, and held her as if she were the most precious treasure in the galaxy.

It felt perfect.

It gave her hope, and for a moment, a perfect moment, there was nothing that invaded on their shared happiness. But it was only a moment, and moments are want to end and change.

They were torn apart when an alarm sounded over the entire base, and were abruptly ushered inside by Luke and Leia to prepare. It never failed to make Rey’s head spin with just how fast the time could change.

It was not very long before they were by each other’s side again in the now festive-less dining room; both of them in navy robes, Ben with his own saber at his side, and Rey with two hanging from her belt. There was no one else around bar Luke, Leia, and Kla-Or with her troops.

“I see they have their weapons. I trust there will be no trouble?”

Rey was surprised and somewhat pleased to see a shade of fear in the usually stoic Senator’s face.

“None. I believe they have a score to settle with Snoke,” Luke answered rather acridly.

Leia said nothing.

The hand-off was quick, with Ben and Rey not daring to speak, not even to each other.

This did not stop either of them from taking the other’s hand, ignoring the looks the soldiers gave them in passing, and simply blocking out the curses thrown their way. They did not let go, even when they were shown their seats on the flagship, on the bridge, winged by guards that had their safeties off, and weapons at the ready for insurgence. They didn’t care. It was clear over their comfortable bond that the gentle pressure of the other’s grip was all that was keeping them sane in the face of what was to come.

 The jump to Lehon began, and Rey threw all poise to the wind in favour of curling into Ben’s side, and taking strength from the way his arms hugged her close.

Kla-Or spared them but a glance when she stepped onto the bridge, and Rey was thrown to see something dangerously akin to sympathy in her eyes. She felt bewilderment akin to her own spike over the bond when a single wave of Kla-Or’s hand had the guards relax their posture, and some even turn from the two Force-Users to do other things.

The flagship was in hyperspace, and somewhere on the bridge, a Rodian called out an arrival time. Rey didn’t want to hear it.


	73. Sunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back to finish what I started

**_Chapter 73: Sunder_ **

Rey couldn’t see anything, or hear anything. It was a stark change from the blaring lights and sounds of a failed engine, and a ship going down. They hadn’t had much time to react. One moment the landing parties were coordinating their drops, the next the entire fleet was falling from space to the planet’s surface. It had been a mad dash to the escape pods for those who were hoping for a cleaner landing, but Rey had not made it. Neither had Ben. All she had seen out the viewport of the strike hanger was glittering blue and stark white sands before the ship and dozens like it plummeted into the ocean. Now, she could feel nothing, and all was dark.

 _Rey_.

 _Ben?_ She frantically looked around in the inky world she found herself in. She tried to call out, scream, anything, but her mouth would not open, and she felt no air building in her lungs.

Rey was surprised at how it did not worry her, as she felt perfectly comfortable. She was not suffocating, yet she could not breath. Her eyes were open but only black met them. She strained to hear, but there was nothing, not even her own heartbeat. Yet she was wrapped in an unnerving calm.

_Rey._

That was not Ben’s voice. But it was so, so familiar.

_Rey._

Louder now, and a small swell of light appeared before her eyes, though she could not discern the distance. It bulged and moved, growing in an amorphous shape that resembled both water and smoke. Eventually, it gained form in a white-blue hue. A man. He was elderly, with white hair and beard, robed in simple garments much like Luke’s had been when she found him. She knew she did not know him, but she felt as if she did. His eyes were kind, and glittering with what could only be called pride, and there was a wide smile causing wrinkles on his face.

_My Rey. Finally I meet you._

Rey did know that voice. It had been the voice that comforted her in her darkest nightmares, guided her when there was no one else, and started her off on her journey in the Force. She had a hunch of who he might be.

_Obi-Wan Kenobi? Ben Kenobi?_

He chuckled, _I do believe grandfather or old coot would be more appropriate by now, Rey._ He sighed heavily, happiness evident in his voice, _I have been trying to meet you for so long. But the Force has been damaged, child. Snoke has scarred the sensitivity of the Galaxy. Ironically enough, this graveyard of a planet retains some of the strongest connections…_

He drifted off, eyes searching her face, _By the Force look at you. You’ve come so far, and done so much, yet still must bear far more._

A knot formed in her throat, her mind still reeling at what was happening.

 _I am so very proud of you, Rey Kenobi. Though as I hear,_ he continued with a sudden mischievous twinkle in his eye, _you’re more Skywalker now._

_I’ve been no-one for most of my life. It’s rather overwhelming to have two families at once._

_Well then I suppose we can be thankful-_ Rey jumped as another voice trickled into the space between her and her fabled relative _that ‘most of your life’ has ben a comparably short time al in all._ _Now me on the other hand-_ All at once, another shape came to form beside Kenobi, and it took the form of Luke Skywalker - _I’d far outstayed my welcome._

Rey frowned, confused, but then her body fell cold as she processed his words.

_Luke-_

_No, do not mourn for me. I saved my sister’s life and got our party to safety. I would do it all again._

Panic gripper her now, far stronger than before as the calm of her surroundings dissipated.

_We crashed! We- Where am I? Where is Ben? Where-_

Both Luke and Kenobi raised their hands to calm her.

 _He is with you Rey, as he always has been. In much the same place as you,_ Kenobi said, placing a hand on her shoulder, _In fact, Luke has already talked to him._

_He had other visitors too. A grizzled old codger who goes by Han, or Nerf herder, depends who you talk to. And another man who Ben had never met before without the mask as his only reference._

Rey could not help but laugh inwardly at the expression on both Luke and Kenobi’s face, but it ebbed away as their merriment also devolved to solemnity.

 _There is still so much ahead of you, Rey,_ Kenobi said, _But I do believe that you can succeed.  It will come at a price, as I’m sure all things do, but…_

Obi-Wan Kenobi trailed off as the inky blackness above ray grew a circle of deep indigo. As it became larger, it lightened further.

Rey began to feel wetness on her skin.

_Snoke may not leave this planet alive. It does not matter who wins. First Order, Resistance. There will always be two opposing sides. But Snoke may not survive. If he succeeds, then I’m afraid hope will die here, with you, and Ben, and any other Jedi or Force Sensitive in the Galaxy today._

_You keep on,_ Luke picked up, _You keep on doing exactly as you have been. Your tenacity and drive is what the Galaxy needs, even though they don’t want it. Do not allow yourself to run away and hide like we did. Run toward._

Their figures faded, and Rey felt herself being pulled up to the every lightening circle of blue, conscious of the fact that she was now holding her breath. Their voices, however, remained with her as her head broke the surface of a sky-blue ocean.

_Run towards._

Rey fell forward onto the snowy sand that always marked her worst nightmares, gasping for air and pulling herself from the strange pull of the tidal pool she had left. Before her, slumped against a rock with his eyes closed, was Ben.

Old, familiar fear gripped her tight as she staggered to her feet and towards him, her nightmarish renditions of this scene blocking her view of the present. But this was quickly brushed aside when he opened his eyes and looked directly at her. His expression was one of resolve, the likes of which she felt so clearly in herself.

“Luke is gone.”

Rey nodded, coming to kneel in front of him, now close enough to see a tear track on his cheek.

“I met him. Darth Vader. Anikin Skywalker.”

Rey did not speak, choosing instead to let Ben resolve his own experience.

“I idolized the mask, the man behind it. But I never truly knew. I suppose I didn’t want to accept that failure is sometimes the greatest progress.”

They were silent for a long pause, both terribly aware of the blasterfire and smoke that painted their backdrop beyond the ridge.

“I know what I need to do.”

“Me too,” Rey nodded, getting to her feet and pulling Ben to his. “And it all starts with one dead Sith Lord.”

Ben shot a venomous glare to the temple that overshadowed the beaches, then looked ahead to one of the many paths.

“My mother-“

Rey gripped his shoulder, “Take us.”

With the smallest of nods, Ben took off down the path, drawing the hilt of his sabre as Rey did hers just in case. The paths were wild and winding, with high cliffs framing them, and bodies of First Order and Resistance soldiers littering the earth. They did not spare a second thought as the downed _Falcon_ peaked out from around the corner, and Rey almost collided into Ben when he stopped dead.

Looking past him, Rey saw why.

Leia was kneeling on the floor next to a body draped in a grey cloak, with Chewie’s paw on her shoulder, most likely stopping her from simply falling over. There was only a small selection of Resistance fighters left with them, all mending their wounds, repairing the _Falcon,_ barricading the area, and restocking their weapons.

Slowly, Ben made his way forward. It was a relieved howl from Chewie that sent Leia darting faster than Rey had ever seen her move into her son’s arms.

“Ben… Oh, I’m so glad you’re safe. We saw your ship fall first, I didn’t know what to think, some of them managed to land safely but we’re so far scattered I assumed the worst, and Luke- Ben they were so prepared-“

Her words were lost in her throat as she held tightly to Ben. There were very few times that Rey had seen Leia lose her composure, but this was enough to break anyone.

“A shield!” Rey heard Poe’s cry above the blasterfire in the distance as he ran into the clearing with Finn in tow.

Leia turned towards him, keeping an arm around Ben.

“Good to see you two made it,” Poe smiled before turning back to Leia, “That thing that took most of us out, it’s a shield generated somewhere on the planet designed to shut down power, but I use that term very loosely. Our scanners pick up that it pulses every now and then over that building over there-” He gestured to the temple, “-and though it’s projected that it _could_ cover the entire planet, it seems it doesn’t have all the juice it needs, or is damaged. Right now they’re using it like a weapon to keep as many ships from landing as possible. Our freighters are too cautious to come to close, or go around as it were. It’s not easy to tell how far the reach extends.”

Finn couldn’t help but shake his head at Poe’s side and squint at Ben, “What is it with the First Order and planet shields anyway?”

Ben shrugged, “I wish I knew, and I wish I’d known about this one. It will have to get taken out, or we’ll never be able to leave.”

“Agreed,” Leia sighed, “And I take it you two are off to that temple anyway?”

Their silence was her answer.

“Right, well. We will keep communication with the main fleet, as I’m sure they have their hands full with the First Order vessels. You two…” she gulped heavily, “Whatever you do you get out alive. Go take out that weapon. Go kill that son of a bitch-”

Rey looked to Ben as he looked at Luke’s lifeless body, his face twisted in a rage that she’d seen on his face after Snoke had tortured her.

“-And don’t you dare let yourselves be taken back to the Resistance in chains. I refuse to lose any more of my family to this karking war.”

Ben did not even wait for her to finish before tearing down the nearest path that seemed to lead to the temple, saber ablaze, and Rey close on his heels.

They tore through black-clothed bodies that met them, not even recognising their existence as their blades felled them as mere obstacles. Ground gave way to grass, and then stone, all littered with the desecrated corpses on anything that dared stop them.

They had long since stopped caring about the difference between light and dark when it came to the Force.

Lightning was a convenient way to fell a horde, and why waste time engaging in combat when all you need do was sap the life from them. They had their goals in mind, and their resolve was sure. It was only when they eventually came to a large ornate ramp and door, panting and dripping with sweat, and some blood, that they gave pause.

Flanking the door were two acolytes, who drew their sabers in a flurry. To the right was a smaller ramp that lead below, which Rey guessed most likely lead to the weapon’s generator. There too were acolytes. Further on, both Rey and Ben could feel more. Vong. Dathomir. They didn’t even need to speak to agree on what had to be done. This needed to be quick, and they would cover more ground. Certainly, they were scared. But they had very little choice in any of this.

With only a pointed look between them threatening the other to stay alive, Rey took off towards the generator, hearing the crash of lightsabers as Ben forged a way to the main chamber where the strongest of darkness lay waiting.

Soon those sounds disappeared behind her, and were swallowed by her own rampage.

This temple, this ancient place, it was filled with hate and rage to rival her own.

There was desperation saturating the air and walks. Each fevered step Rey took was steeped in the death of centuries before her, and that which she created now. Somewhere else in the temple, floors above her, Ben was running parallel to her, feeding off of her as she was him, strengthening and pushing each other.

But there was one important difference between their wild fury and that of the temple’s.

They had hope, small and timid, but it was there, and it was backed by iron resolve.


	74. Resolve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 74/75, we're almost there my faithful (and so unerringly patient) friends!

**_Chapter 74: Resolve_ **

There was very little that ran through Rey’s mind as she carved her path towards what she could only hope was the correct room. She knew it wasn’t necessarily _right_ , to find this odd quiet and soothing rhythm in the chaos she had plunged herself into. The fact was, it was simply far too comfortable for her. Rey’s entire life to this point had been a fight for survival, stumbling and falling, just barely getting back up. An Elite troop held up by her hand and choked of all life through the Force was as familiar as those nights spent in wakening agony after yet another day without food on Jakku, and meeting the morning once more with unsteady feet. A Vong footmen carved in two was little more than the beatings she had endured as a child for not bringing in enough scrap, underperforming, unable to do more. She had been on the back foot, once upon a time, but that time was long since over. Now, it was her turn, and she was courting the Force as if she had always had been. Rey was dancing, and her saber was her partner.

Rey was her own show of righteous anger, unwilling for this one last thing to be taken from her. She moved through Snoke’s forces at a whirlwind pace. A faint to the right, and a clip to left sent shards and sparks flying as her saber dug deeply into the stone corridor walls of the old temple, with the dust clouds only barely masking the rancid smell of burning flesh as her opponents fell before her. As with anything, however, she did not proceed unscathed. Vibroblades nipped at her arms and legs, whilst a staff punched her gut and took her breath away. But Rey kept her focus, as she knew she did not have time to waste. Hampering her pace would mean more time that Ben would spend alone with Snoke, and a wider margin of failure when the odds were already so largely stacked against them. She bore the blows with a snarled grin that must have looked manic, what with the blood streaming down her face from a cut across her cheeks that caught the bridge of her nose. She was sure it would hurt later, but for now she felt nothing but determination.

Eventually the bodies thinned, her saber found fewer targets, her body endured fewer strikes, and Rey burst forward into the large chamber that all these lower passages lead to.  She was alone in a crypt. It was a dark, suffocating place with a high ceiling and ornamental carved pillars lining the walls. The air was heavy with ancient dust, and if not for the bodies behind Rey, one would never be able to tell that anyone had ever been in here. There was nothing else in the room bar an odd-looking waist-height form right in the centre. It was a solid structure, seemingly carved from the same stone at the rest of the room, but grew into a curved panel that bore inlaid symbols. Cautiously, Rey approached the panel and took a closer look. Most of the symbols were unfamiliar to her, but one stood out from the jumbled mess that did stoke her memory. She had seen it before during her time on Jakku, when she’d stumbled upon one of the more ancient ships buried in the sand and unearthed by the fallen Destroyers. Back then, the symbol had been on more electronic displays, and more often than not on terminals that had their guts exposed after their parts were scavenged. Could this strange stone panel be a terminal?

Rey jumped when what sounded like faraway thunder pierced the silence, and the room shook, showering her in dust. She had to get a move on, and prayed that she was in the right place to disable that weapon. She had a hunch that the thunder and quake was yet another ship being torn from the sky and forced to the ground.

With a huff of sudden nerves, Rey ran her hand along the panel to clear the dust, but froze when a faint buzz came from the panel. Rey knew that sound, it was the sound that on Jakku meant meals were finally on the menu. That was circuitry coming to life. Rey bent closer to the machine, not quite knowing what to look for, but resolving to at least render it to dust just in case it had anything to do with the weapon.

A flash of blinding blue and a loud, guttural voice caused Rey to fall back on the stone with shock, her saber drawn above her to fend off her attacker. When the residual light cleared from her vision, however, she found her saber threatening a hologram.

It was a hologram of a creature she did not recognise.

<Mato ha toka! Kin ma hoba?>

“What…” Rey frowned at the hologram, still not quite sure what she was seeing or hearing, “Who are you?”

The creature fell silent, and the whirring of the terminal increased.

Rey was certain she had never seen a lifeform like this before. It looked as if it’s skin was similar to that of a Selkath’s, but more leathery, and it’s head formed to a high, pointed dome with eyestalks protruding on either side about midway up, but facing forward.

Again, the phantom spoke, but the noises were unfathomable to Rey’s ears, sounding more like an wounded animal’s brays. When she did not respond, it changed its dialect once more.

Was it cycling through alien languages in an attempt to communicate?

“What are you?” Rey asked again, this time more clearly and with the intent that perhaps the program would recognise her language.

_[Language output incompatible, cycling now to Slave Category: Engineer to match]_

“I understood that!” Rey responded, getting to her feet but keeping her saber drawn, “That was Selkath! A little rougher than I’ve heard it before, but I can understand. Can you understand me?”

_[I can, sentient, but my matrixes do not contain Basic response catalogues. I was only programmed to be able to communicate with the slaves of the Infinite Empire, instructing them on their duties, and assisting where required and allowed.]_

“The Infinite Empire?”

_[The glory of the Builders race, and masters of the Universe. You stand now in one of the many Temples of the Infinite Empire, on the planet of Lehon, the Builders’ homeworld and capital of the Infinite Empire.]_

Rey was certain that whatever Empire this creature spoke of was not as infinite as claimed, but she was not about to test the limits of this ancient, yet strangely advanced technology.

“You say you were designed to help slaves, with building things?”

_[Correct, with building and maintaining the Infinite Empire and all that supports it.]_

“Did this ever include a planetary shield, or device that could be used to deactivate machinery?”

_[Correct, the Builders created many such devices to both protect themselves as well as conquer others with. There is one such device here, but it is faulty. There are orders out for repairs to be made on the control console, but there has been no response. Punitive measures advised.]_

Rey almost laughed to herself at the nature of the program before realising with a creeping dread that she was at the wrong terminal.

“Are you not a control console?”

_[No, sentient. I am a program designed to communicate with the slaves of the Infinite Empire, instructing them on their duties, and assisting where required and allowed.]_

Rey had heard that line before, and figured she must have found the limit to the program’s knowledge there.

“Then where is the control module?”

_[The master control module in the throne room, on the upper terraces. The ramp to the terrace lies adjacent to the entrance that brought you here.]_

Kriff, Rey thought, that’s most likely where Snoke is. Handling both together would be difficult, but she’d already wasted enough time down here.

”Tell me, is there nothing else controlling the weapon?”

_[No, the weapon itself is a series of devices on nearby extra-terrestrial debris, and dotted around the planet. The separate devices are powered by the nearby star, and together they form a network that is only controlled by our highest official.”_

Rey did not stay still to hear the hologram’s whole response, having heard the last bits as she sped back into the corpse-littered corridor. It was clever, she had to admit, to utilise such unknown pre-existing tech in this manner. And such cunningly designed tech at that…

Nevertheless, she had to reach Ben as soon as possible, and hope against hope that when she did reach Snoke and the control module, that she’d be able to stop the weapon from being used.

The air grew more breathable as she raced into the main junction chamber, and Rey gripped the corner of the wall to swing herself onto the upward ramp, not standing to break her pace. For the first time since descending into the bowels of the temple, she allowed herself to reach out to Ben, and let his call pull her in.

That was a mistake.

As soon as she felt out, she collapsed to the corridor floor in agony, a shrill, piercing shriek deafening her, and cracking her mind. In a panic, she tried to close off the connection again but could not find the strength to do so, with her concentration breaking over and over as that terrifying sound swallowed everything in her mind. Rey crawled up the ramp, her body on fire, and her eyes just barely squinting through pain that was not being dealt to her, but that she could feel so acutely.

Ben… She had to get to Ben.

Though Rey had the faint idea that she was making good progress up the ramp, it most certainly did not feel like it. Her lightsaber weighed heavy in her hand, and the ancient one even more so on her belt. Her body ached for nothing more than to lie down and accept the crushing nature of the pain she was enduring, but she pressed on, over the bodies in her path and up to where the pain was most pure.

When she reached the threshold of the terrace, however, the pain stopped. Rey slumped against the floor at the sudden release, her ears still ringing from the all-consuming cries, and her eyes blurry from tears of force.

“Rey…No…” Was all she heard from a weak, heartbreakingly familiar voice behind her before the air was forced from her lungs, and she was pulled into the air, brought face to face with a twisted, and hollow visage.

“And so she takes the bait. Wonderful,” Snoke laughed, pulling her Force-locked body closer.

Some small part of her was thrilled to see patches of his already mangled skin burnt further, and his robes in tatters. Ben had done decent damage. But her heart refused to acknowledge what that broken voice meant when she was facing Snoke instead, unable to see him.

“Come to save him again?” Snoke said, a smile on his twisted lips, “Perhaps you may still, if only for a moment. But-“ he waved his hand towards the Elite behind him, one at a console exactly like the one Rey encountered before, except now it displayed a holographic system panel instead of a being, and the rest simply standing at the ready, unfazed by their fallen kin around the room, “Today is the day the Resistance dies, and the Force as we know it as well. I will change it, dear Rey. I will twist it into something of my making, and my design. I will break it to my will.”

“Not possible,” Rey managed to choke out past the hold on her body.

Snoke simply laughed, “Not possible? Stupid girl, do you know where we stand? Have you learnt nothing from your time at Malachor? Droman Kaas? The Force is a _tool,_ but it is also so much more. It is a tool that controls other tools. The Rakata knew this. They called themselves the Builders. They used the Force to aid their venture to create an Infinite Empire-“ Snoke lead Rey around the terrace, showing her the carvings of the species that it appeared the hologram was modelled after, “-They used the Force to power _machines,_ and nearly enslaved the entire Universe! Malachor V lies _dead,_ devoid of the Force due to the nature of what occurred there. Girl, I can break the Force too. Here, I will make it my own. Unfortunately, I do not like competition.”

They came to a stop, but now Rey was facing Ben.

It took several moments for her to process what she was seeing, but she still did not want to believe it.

He had been thrown back against the wall with enough force to have chipped the ancient mortar, and the wall was blackened in intricate ways by what Rey can only conclude to have been lightning. He was flanked by an Elite on either side, their long-staffed blades at his neck, ensuring he kept his head up. His lightsaber was nowhere to be seen, but Rey soon noticed the most likely reason, and quickly diverted her eyes back to his.

“Do you appreciate my handiwork, girl?”

Rey did not answer, but was silently thankful that at least lightsabers cauterised wounds. Her more positive thoughts surprised her, as she did not quite know what to do from here. She was not about to give up, however.

She did not see hopelessness in Ben’s eyes. Despite his injuries, he looked ready to kill Snoke.

Drawing from the venom she found in his eyes, she started to probe the energy that kept her in place as Snoke pulled her along yet again, but this time to the balcony that overlooked the battle below, and the Resistance ships hanging dangerously in the sky.

“Not very vocally appreciative of mastery then, are you,” he sighed, “Perhaps this will at least move you, before I let you reunite with my pathetic apprentice for a long overdue execution-”

With a flick of his wrist towards the Elite at the console, Rey felt a surge of power swell in the distance, shocking her as she felt out the energy that bound her body.

That was a manipulation of the Force if Rey ever felt one.

Moments later, a great roar echoed across the air as three of the larger rebel flagships entered the atmosphere, accompanied by Snoke’s ruthless laughter. As horrific as the sight was, and the crash that would soon follow, Rey was not one to miss and opportunity, and that surge of energy had shown her just the holes she needed to exploit in Snoke’s hold on her.

With a deep breath, and a motion she was sure would tear her muscles from the exertion, she tore herself free from the lock, and used the momentum to throw herself against Snoke, slamming him into one of the columns before quickly turning to Ben.

Her concern was unnecessary however, as Ben had, as always, been quick to follow her lead. One of the Elite lay dead at his feet, but now he only kept himself alive by gripping the staff of the other with his remaining arm. Rey could not help, however, as Snoke was back on his feet, with his own saber drawn.

She faced him just in time to catch his barrage of lightning with her yellow lightsabre, grounding it to the stone and deflecting the torrents before running herself too close to him, and bring her saber down to kill.

He parried her, but her momentum was too much, and her saber still volatile from the lightning. Rey managed to stagger him back to the point where he had to duck away, and Rey seized the opportunity to lash out at the Elite as she turned around, cutting down the two who were left by the console, and then moving to choke the one who still had Ben pinned.

Snoke was too fast, however, and Rey struggled to deflect his next barrage of lightning. He was far more prepared now, and maintained a steady onslaught.

In the meantime, Rey was not deaf to Ben’s mind in hers. Though he did not speak, could not as his own was still far too broken from what he had endured, she could feel his grip slipping. He could not hold on much longer against the Elite who had him at execution point.

Snoke’s attack grew more violent, and Rey panicked when she heard voices and blasterfire over the lightning. She did not dare to look at the entrance, but she knew the battle had moved to the temple. They would not last any longer, and Rey uttered a silent bargain to the Force for one last chance, one last trick.

Gritting her teeth, she let her stance drop to send a deadly bolt of energy at the Elite who held Ben, her body shaking violently as the lightning crept over her hilt, shook it right out of  and started covering her. She forced herself to hold her focus until the life had been drained from her target, keeping her eyes on Ben’s horrified face. There was, however, understanding in his eyes.

So when Rey used the last of her energy to throw the old blue saber towards him before sinking to her knees, she smiled when he instantly leapt for it, caught it, and with all the deftness and control that his dominant hand had shown, cut Snoke cleanly in two at the waist.

The lightsaber hilt hit the floor as Snoke’s broken body did, before Ben fell too. Rey could feel his consciousness slipping, and she was torn.

It only took a glance between Ben’s body and the unlocked terminal to make her choice, even though it was a hard one. She needed to shut off that weapon first.

Before she could take a step, however, rebel soldiers burst into the throne room, and Rey changed her mind. She knelt at Ben’s side, gripping the side of his face with one hand, and his marred shoulder with the other.

Rey surprised herself with how calm she kept, channelling healing waves through Ben’s now prone and unconscious body. He was alive, but he was not stable. She only barely registered when Leia and Poe joined her side, Leia not saying a word whilst Poe questioned her on the weapon. She knew she told him what to do, but she didn’t hear herself speak.

She could see Chewie pick Ben up, and Leia guide her along by the arm, but she did not take her hands off of Ben. She would keep healing him till she dropped from exhaustion, she would let this be how it ended.

Her scenery changed from white beaches and blue sky to the cold grey of a familiar ship, but the center of it all for her was Ben. Her focus was blade sharp as she knelt by where Chewie had lain him on the Falcon’s medbay bunk, and kept her vigil as Finn and Gaelas worked on him, placing kolto packs and wires, cutting away clothing and cleaning wounds.

None of them dared tell her to leave, but there were plenty of whispers that filtered past her concentration

_Force, his arm-_

_Finn, hush, Leia knows where to go, we just need to keep him stable._

_And the Resistance?_

_This is the Falcon. Have you forgotten that it is first and foremost a_ smuggler’s _freighter?_

Rey could feel her eyelids begin to sag. She had done what she swore, but Force damn it she would press herself more.

“Rey,”

Leia’s voice was louder than the others, and the tone of it coupled with the comforting hand on her shoulder called her to rest,

“He’s going to be just fine, Rey.”

As she relented, and let her eyes fall shut, and her head rest against Ben’s side on the bunk, an aged and gravelly, but warm voice trickled past her exhaustion.

_You’ve done it Rey. Rest now, you made it._


	75. Home- An Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, we have reached the end. Thank you all again for the wonderful support over the course of this work, and special thanks to those who read it from Chapter 1 back in 20......when did TFA even come out again...? AND STILL CAME BACK. You guys astonish me. To all the people who just started reading after TLJ, I love you just as much, because readers are readers, and all us writers would be nothing without you. <3

**_Chapter 75: Home- An Epilogue_ **

Try as she might to be annoyed at the situation Ben had gotten them into, Rey had to admit that she’d messed up just as badly a few times before. She was also laughing harder than she ever had before. Tears were running down her face, and her sides hurt whilst her lungs burnt for air.

“Enjoying the show, sweetheart?” Ben’s voice crackled over the comm system.

Rey reached to flick the button from where she was doubled over on the _Lark’s_ control board.

“All too much, I’m afraid. You _do_ realise what was implied by ‘We promise to extract at least _these_ children without alerting every baddie or Senate goon on the planet to our presence?’ It wasn’t this Ben, dear, it wasn’t this,” Rey snorted as she watched the scene unfold from behind the _Lark’s_ viewport.

Ben had torn around the corner of one of the many crumbling sandstone walls of the slave compound on Ryloth, a little blue Twi’lek tucked under his arm, and another red one attached to his back, neatly huddled under his cloak with only the Lekku poking out. Rey had breathed a sigh of relief at first, which then turned to a gasp, and then to giggles as, yet again, a horde of angry slavers was hot on Ben’s heels. Now he was taking care to dart in amongst the ruins and dunes to where Rey had the _Lark_ on stealth.

“Perhaps if you stopped laughing, and _came to pick me up,_ then this would run smoother!”

“Fine, fine! I’ll save your backside _again-_ ”

“Rey!”

“Alright, I’m on my way! Keep your tunic on good grief…”

His breathless laugh echoed over the comms, interrupted by the sound of his lightsaber deflecting blasterfire.

Rey smiled to herself as she lifted off, and made her way to Ben, carefully keeping the stealth functionality on. She purposefully overshot him, disabling the emitter then, and revelling in the shock it caused amongst the slavers. She pulled a clipped roll, her downdraft enough to force a sandstorm over the pursuers and began steadily lowering the cargo ramp as she flew in front of Ben. The slavers’ momentary disorientation was enough, and Rey swung low just in front of him, grinning when he took the Force-aided leap up and hit the button to close the hold.

She could hear children laughing.

It was scary just how good she and Ben had gotten at wrangling themselves out of situations like this, Rey thought as she pulled them out of the atmosphere and dropped them into hyperspace. First it was the Sarlacc on Felucia, which they could have _sworn_ was dead, till it of course wasn’t. Then the Krayt dragon on Tatooine, and the den of organ dealers on Onderon, and pirates of Florrum…

They really got around. It was strange what kind of places simply looking for stolen children would take you. Strange, and heart-breaking.

Rey sank back into the pilot’s chair, and just stared at the blue of stretched space flitting past. She didn’t really see it. Instead, she was watching the past year or so that she and Ben had spent together. That first tentative flight into space after the events of Lehon seemed so long ago, and yet not. Rey could still remember it fresh in her mind.

She could still smell the burnt flesh of four months prior to that flight, and still hear the yelling of soldiers, with Leia’s gentle reassurances somehow drowning the noise out. Rey was still not quite sure how they had gotten out of that mess, but she knew it had something to do with a large portion of Resistance who, at the heart of it all, were still the old Rebellion.

Kla-Or – bless that Kaminoan – had met them on some underhanded dock on Telos, along with Gaelas and a handful of her own team and Order of Shasa members. They had plucked Ben from the battered _Millennium Falcon_ and gotten him into a kolto tank before the engines had even cooled.

His arm had been lost, along with his saber and hers, but Kla-Or had worked miracles before, and there was no end to Rey’s respect for the cybernetic arm he had been fitted with. The silvery tendrils of metal worked their way up his neck, his shoulder blade, and his chest in order to seam correctly, but the results were beyond what Rey could have believed possible.

It had not taken Ben long to adapt to his new arm, and shorter still for them to set off into space, though the latter was not entirely by choice. They were not exactly the best of friends with the new Senate that had been established. Thankfully, they change of powers created the perfect climate for herself and Ben to get lost. No one really knew their faces, and so far they had only met one bounty hunter stupid enough to take on an ex-Sith and ex-Jedi, who at the time were very carefully escorting a trio of young Nautolan to Manaan. After they had finally rebuilt their lightsabers, no less.

Rey squinted at the light glinting off the Skywalker saber that now dangled from the console overhead, along with the red kyber crystal necklace, reclaimed photograph of her and Ben, as well as Chewie’s beads. They couldn’t exactly take the _Sparrow_ , that would be a bit obvious, but Rey be damned if Chewbacca didn’t know how to source sneaky freighters. That karking smuggler’s Wookiee.

What she still could not understand, however, was how _so much_ could be destroyed in the damn war but not that infernal lightsaber. Neither of them dared touch it afterwards, and it had been an ornament whilst they used normal vibroblades until they built their own again, and it remained an ornament now.

More laughter erupted from the main hold, and Rey could just make out Ben’s deep intonations of broken, flat Twi’leki mixed with Basic. Rey was thankful that the children at least knew some Basic, as most Twi’leki actually made use of the lekku….Which both she and Ben were very much lacking.

It was astonishing how far they had both come. At first, they had simply been looking for other Force Sensitives to help out, as a way to find their feet, and send them the way of the Order of Shasa and the new academy they had started to form on Manaan. Gaelas had remained true to his word, and Luke’s memory, and soon the academy had started to bustle with new voices and bodies finally finding their place.

Their searching, however, had opened up a far larger wound in the Galaxy. They had tracked down some orphaned children said to be Sensitives, but instead found them to not actually be orphans at all. They were stolen.

And so Rey and Ben had stopped only seeking out Force Sensitives, but began making a name for themselves in the Galactic underground as trackers, going to the ends of the known universe to reunite families, and send seeking Sensitives back to Gaelas’ welcoming arms.

Granted, not all of their missions were successful. They saw many deaths, and a lot of sorrow, but it was always eased by a child safely returned to their parents, or a town rid of their body-snatching antagonists Even one person saved made it all worth it to Rey.

On the flip side, however, they had begun to make a name for themselves, which was bad when you were trying to keep a low profile. And so they had formed new identities out of old documents they had scavenged in their travels. Apparently once, very long ago, another due had given the old Empire quite a headache, and Rey and Ben felt it fitting to continue the legacy by adopting the names Juno and Galen. Neither of them had expected Leia’s reaction to the names, and the story that had followed was more than enough cause for them to keep using them.

The was no Skywalker, Organa, Solo, or Kenobi anymore. It was just Ben and Rey, and whichever other names would suit their purpose when they had to change yet again. Galen and Juno would not last forever. Perhaps one day Ben and Rey would not be taboo any longer, but until then it would only exist to those closest to them, the panels of their ship, and the silence of space.

Rey smiled indulgently to herself as heavy footsteps echoed up the passage to the cockpit, Ben no doubt having settled the two little Twi’leks into their bedroom for the next week of travel, showed them where all the gathered games were, and set them up with some good food. He was so unbelievably good with the children.

If only the others could see them now.

She leaned back as large hands found her shoulders and moved across to allow for strong arms to hold her tight. One was warm and gave slightly, where as the other was hard, and bore no heat of its own.

Lips brushed her cheek and found her ear.

“You really need to get better at the whole getaway transport thing, my dear.”

“You need to get better at using your stealth field generator and actually stepping lightly, Bennie.”

He smiled against her skin, taking a deep breath with his head pressed against hers.

Rey could only let her eyes fall closed and grin, hugging his arms closer around her.

Though they may not be officially welcome on any Senate planet, though they may have to discard their names and history, and though they may never be able to stay still ever again, they had all they needed.

In this little ship, hurtling from planet to planet and day to day, they belonged.

They were home.


End file.
